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Author Topic: help, please  (Read 2296 times)

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Offline makhedha

  • Member
  • Posts: 8
help, please
« on: September 08, 2012, 06:22:54 AM »
Hey, guys. Iím new here. Iíve been positive for over three years now but have pretty much been ignoring the whole thingÖuntil now. It just seemed easier to do, I guess. To try and carry on as if nothing was wrong and hope that itíd go away. But it didnít. Boy, did it not. And in that time Iíve managed to everything that can be done wrong. Iím pretty sure Iím resistant to the meds I was no, hurt the woman Iíve love and managed to keep my two kids at armís length.  If you ask me why I did what I did I couldnít tell you. If I knew a reason I think itíd make things easier. But I donít have or really know one. I didnít actively decide to be a monster, I kind of just died and froze inside, and before I knew it nothing could move me anymore. NOTHING.  Not my kids, not my studies, not my job/jobs not the one woman Iíve ever really loved. I just could care about anything. Not even the meds that will keep me alive. I didnít want to die, I donít think. I just didnít care if I did die. If I was Ďbraverí there are times when I could have taken more decisive action, and just end it all. But I didnít even care enough to do that. didnít speak to my mom for years. Sheís one of the most important people in my life, and I love her dearly, but I just woke up and itíd been years since I last spoke to her. Itís like that with a lot of things. I look back now and I canít recognize the person who did that. worse, I canít really remember. Even the few things I do remember feel like they are someone elseís memomries. I did try to Ďfixí things but realized the more I fixated on the past and tried to Ďfixí it the more trapped I got in it. Ií trying to take one day at a time now but Itís tricky. There are a thousand reasons Iím here. I guess, the main one  is that Iím back on the meds now. And I just want to know that there others out there going through the same beautiful, messy, sublime, heart-breaking struggle. Itís not only the meds Iím worried about. I do think Iím really ready to do it right and will take them but I do know thereíll be days I wonít want to do it. Days Iíll just want to die. How do you guys cope? The main reason, I think, is how do you rebuild a life after so long beginning lost, drifting and just opting out? So long just letting things take you where they will? How do you let the people who matter to you know they matter? How do you let them know that itís ok for them to love you again? You wonít hurt them like you did? You were scared yourself, and selfish to realize that they were scared to? How do you? But, most importantly how do you keep up on the dark days? How do you live again when, for so long, youíd put so much effort into not?

Iíve come out the other end almost like a child and I donít really know anything and am confused by most things.

What I DO  know is this:

1-Iím coming to the light now after what has been some dark days. I feel so much more than Iíve ever done. This might sound an obvious and trivial thing to say but I had somehow managed to shut everything down so much that I didnít hurtÖbut could laugh either, or love, or care or anything. The negatives went, along with the positives (see what I did there?). I just drifted. And hurt a lot of people in the process.

2-i love again. Really love. Itís the same person Iíve been with and was with when we were diagnosed. I really love her. I always did, donít get me wrong, I always loved her, but kept so much back. Iím all in now. I see her and bottom falls out of my heart and itís like Iím seeing her for the first time. Like weíre the last two people in the world and I hadnít seen another human being in years. Every moment Iím with her is good moment to die. Itís the most alive Iíve ever been, and the most scared Iíve ever been too!

3-my kids move me again. The boy is responding so much better to me. He lets himself laugh around me again. And thereís not many things Iíd rather do that be in the sand pit in the park with him. Iím working on the girl. Donít see her as much as she lives with her mom.

Itís small victories, and probably granted for most, but thatís what Iíve got at the moment. Itís a slow process. Hard, and sometimes I feel like freezing again, but the little victories-the boy asking me to take him to the toilet instead of his mom, her looking at me without that pain in her eyes, with the beginnings of what can only be love againÖand even just having a massive cry during a bad day! Itís all new but Iím learning from every moment, and trying to grow.

How did those among you whoíve been there come out, and, most importantly, stayed in the light?

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp!

Offline Pricho01

  • Member
  • Posts: 58
Re: help, please
« Reply #1 on: September 08, 2012, 08:42:01 AM »
Hello Makhedha - you know what? I think that you are very brave to post this very personal and deep story of your life over the last few years. To be honest it moved me and my heart...and I can relate to what you have written....

I think I went a little crazy for a while (diagnosed 2005) so you are not the only one...for me it was a sense of anger that was very deep and depression that came upon me like a R*A*G*E!

I still battle with a sense of self worthlessness that leads to behaviour that is not always so good for me or for those around me. This means that I have also pushed people away and treated people close to me badly at times too...

I know this sounds trite but seeing a psychologist/counsellor and getting professional help is SO important...really, because you're right - it isn't going to go away. Deep depression (which though I'm not a professional it sounds like you have been dealing with) is a bitch with boots and its a tough gig! You need support!

The bug is in us and that unfreezing you speak of and the re-connections you are starting to make with people close to you I believe will only last if you take ACTION...

How do I survive? Gosh - I don't know if I do it that well, I try to see someone regularly, I try to not think about killing myself because it is "not brave" and I try to connect where I can with who I can... it's still a struggle for me though...

I feel like I'm rambling here but I want you to know that you are not alone and not the only one.... my heart goes out to you and yours and I hope to hear more about how you are going over the next little while. Stay in touch and let us (me) know how you are traveling. I hope something here resonates for you. All the best to you - Phil
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist, While you guys were busy arguing about the glass of water, I drank it! Sincerely, The Opportunist

Offline Common_ground

  • Member
  • Posts: 288
Re: help, please
« Reply #2 on: September 08, 2012, 09:40:29 AM »
Hi Makheda!

Im quite newly diagnosed so some people might put my advice at the bottom of the pile but I feel I have things to share and I hope it will help you.

It seems you have someone to love, you have kids and that's something a lot of people, Poz or not, can only dream of, cherish your family and the love you receive and can give to others but also keep your integrity and who you are and be proud of how long you've come, just a small thing such as coming here writing your story shows you got courage and strength inside of you.

We are only humans, we makes mistakes, we make good, we make bad, its a part of live. If HIV is your main problem, dont let it put you down, youre better than that, this might be a bit insensitive but we HIVers are not the only ones with problems or dark thoughts so stop feel too sorry for yourself. When we walk among others we sure can feel alone in a crowd but truth to be told, there no such thing as a perfect life, thats not how it goes, its up and down, side to side and a whole lot of twist and turns in between.

To some answers there are no answers, we humans have a tendency to ask "Why?" an awful lot of times. Well some things just are, If we tell ourselves we have our whole life under total control and we know everything we are fooling ourselves. Its a roll of the dice and when you accept things for what they are, what you can change or not and see the difference, then you can start to roll and go with the flow and worries becomes a thing of the past.

Today when I was feeling a bit down over how to deal with the future I told myself "However things will turn out, it will be the best for me" then I put those worries on the shelf where they belong. No need to over-analyze and go over things a 100 times, if you want to talk to someone, good, just let it out, just like Phil said, but you need to see a point ahead of you where it is enough and go on with your life. Your posts breathes will and fighting spirit. Find the good things, keep that in focus and Im sure you will thrive!

Hope to hear more from you, thanks for reading :)

2011 May - Neg.
2012 June CD4:205, 16% VL:2676 Start Truvada/Stocrin
2012 July  CD4:234, 18% VL:88
2012 Sep  CD4:238, 17% VL:UD
2013 Feb  CD4:257, 24% VL:UD -viramune/truvada
2013 May CD4:276, 26% VL:UD

Offline makhedha

  • Member
  • Posts: 8
Re: help, please
« Reply #3 on: September 15, 2012, 02:40:40 AM »
Hello Makhedha - you know what? I think that you are very brave to post this very personal and deep story of your life over the last few years. To be honest it moved me and my heart...and I can relate to what you have written....

I think I went a little crazy for a while (diagnosed 2005) so you are not the only one...for me it was a sense of anger that was very deep and depression that came upon me like a R*A*G*E!

thanks for replying. i hear you on the rage. that's all i felt for a long time. the time i was diagnosed, just as they told me, i remember thinking, 'thank god.' i was so relieved. was like being in a dark room and the lights suddenly go on. i could see everything so clearly. everything made sense- why i was sweating so much in my sleep, why i was so fatigued all the time, why scratches too forever to heal etc. i was relieved. almost happy, you could say. then came the numbness. then the rage. at everything. at the unfairness of it all. at myself. i've seen no less that  members of my family back home die from HIV. i should have been more careful. and i should have seen the signs when i started to get ill. i should have been careful then too for others etc. just rage...after a while i didn't know what/who to be if i wasn't angry. that was very rare that i wasn't angry...but very scary when it happened.

I still battle with a sense of self worthlessness that leads to behaviour that is not always so good for me or for those around me. This means that I have also pushed people away and treated people close to me badly at times too...

i hear you on that too. how do you handle it when that sinking 'i'm nothing' feeling hits? that's a big one for me. that feeling that everyone would be better off if you weren't around. or that no one needs to be burdened by your 'issues'. or just being plain confused when someone gives you a compliment, or they look at you like you're human and an equal or (my kids) capable of great deeds etc and all you can think of is 'if you really knew me you wouldn't say that. you would want to run a mile. you'd be ashamed to even be remotely associated with me...'
i'm still struggling with that 'sense of worthlessness' sometimes. how do you hold it down?


I know this sounds trite but seeing a psychologist/counsellor and getting professional help is SO important...really, because you're right - it isn't going to go away. Deep depression (which though I'm not a professional it sounds like you have been dealing with) is a bitch with boots and its a tough gig! You need support!

The bug is in us and that unfreezing you speak of and the re-connections you are starting to make with people close to you I believe will only last if you take ACTION...

i did try therapy some time back. but wasn't ready for it. have gone back on the waiting list to get back to it now.

How do I survive? Gosh - I don't know if I do it that well, I try to see someone regularly, I try to not think about killing myself because it is "not brave" and I try to connect where I can with who I can... it's still a struggle for me though...

I feel like I'm rambling here but I want you to know that you are not alone and not the only one.... my heart goes out to you and yours and I hope to hear more about how you are going over the next little while. Stay in touch and let us (me) know how you are traveling. I hope something here resonates for you. All the best to you - Phil
thanks, phil. it does help to know i'm not going mad :D and that others out there going through/ survived the same.

Offline makhedha

  • Member
  • Posts: 8
Re: help, please
« Reply #4 on: September 15, 2012, 02:51:09 AM »
Hi Makheda!

Im quite newly diagnosed so some people might put my advice at the bottom of the pile but I feel I have things to share and I hope it will help you.

It seems you have someone to love, you have kids and that's something a lot of people, Poz or not, can only dream of, cherish your family and the love you receive and can give to others but also keep your integrity and who you are and be proud of how long you've come, just a small thing such as coming here writing your story shows you got courage and strength inside of you.

We are only humans, we makes mistakes, we make good, we make bad, its a part of live. If HIV is your main problem, dont let it put you down, youre better than that, this might be a bit insensitive but we HIVers are not the only ones with problems or dark thoughts so stop feel too sorry for yourself. When we walk among others we sure can feel alone in a crowd but truth to be told, there no such thing as a perfect life, thats not how it goes, its up and down, side to side and a whole lot of twist and turns in between.

that doesn't sound insensitive at all. i'm African. and the one thing i hear all the time is how selfish it is to say you don't want to take the meds because you can't handle them when there's 'a million people who'd sell their mother just for a day's dose'. 'problems' are relative, but we're sure not the only ones with them, and if you try to compare you could actually end up feeling even worse about yourself when you know what other people are going through.

To some answers there are no answers, we humans have a tendency to ask "Why?" an awful lot of times. Well some things just are, If we tell ourselves we have our whole life under total control and we know everything we are fooling ourselves. Its a roll of the dice and when you accept things for what they are, what you can change or not and see the difference, then you can start to roll and go with the flow and worries becomes a thing of the past.

Today when I was feeling a bit down over how to deal with the future I told myself "However things will turn out, it will be the best for me" then I put those worries on the shelf where they belong. No need to over-analyze and go over things a 100 times, if you want to talk to someone, good, just let it out, just like Phil said, but you need to see a point ahead of you where it is enough and go on with your life. Your posts breathes will and fighting spirit. Find the good things, keep that in focus and Im sure you will thrive!

you're right, man. 'over analyzing' has always been my biggest strength and worst enemy too. the hows, the whys and all that just seem to hover above me life flies and there's no other way to get rid of them than to find answers. but not always the best thing to do. as you rightly put it- some things just are.
i'll keep you all informed on how it goes. working on the meds at the moment and taking it one day at a time, as they say.


Hope to hear more from you, thanks for reading :)

Offline Pricho01

  • Member
  • Posts: 58
Re: help, please
« Reply #5 on: September 16, 2012, 12:34:11 AM »
after a while i didn't know what/who to be if i wasn't angry. that was very rare that i wasn't angry...but very scary when it happened.

Anger is a part of the cycle of grief my friend and it is not linear.... you can revisit certain aspects of the grief cycle again and again until resolution of some sort is reached and then you can let it go which I am getting from what you have written has happened (?) Check out the link here... http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model

I think that my real deep anger has passed now....took a while though and I had to keep reminding myself that it was a normal part of the story of my diagnosis. Educating those close to you about this is really helpful too...



i hear you on that too. how do you handle it when that sinking 'i'm nothing' feeling hits? that's a big one for me. that feeling that everyone would be better off if you weren't around. or that no one needs to be burdened by your 'issues'. or just being plain confused when someone gives you a compliment, or they look at you like you're human and an equal or (my kids) capable of great deeds etc and all you can think of is 'if you really knew me you wouldn't say that. you would want to run a mile. you'd be ashamed to even be remotely associated with me...'
i'm still struggling with that 'sense of worthlessness' sometimes. how do you hold it down?

This is a toughie....maybe others who read this will have advice....cause I'm not sure about how to resolve this one.... I would "think" counseling and CBT would be a good way to go here and I'm glad you are putting yourself back in the system.... good on you.

Self worthlessness for me leads to damaging behaviour....and I think can be very selfish at times... you know? Very self focused... so maybe you need to turn that light outward when it shines inside your soul and understand that you have people who think that you are worth something... (your kids love you unconditionally, as I'm sure your wife does too!). I have to say it is hard though! Did someone say Bitch with Boots? LOL


You are not alone, you are definitely not the only one! Trust me..... I see this type of stuff everywhere to some degree or other.... you will survive my friend it is as simple as that.... really try to connect to a therapist when you are ready, someone who will work with you and have a plan of attack rather than just putting out fires...know what I mean? Like setting up a long term treatment plan....

Keep safe - you are inspiring and important.

Phil
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist, While you guys were busy arguing about the glass of water, I drank it! Sincerely, The Opportunist

 


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