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Author Topic: Resigned to my stupidity  (Read 1626 times)

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Offline WritingOnTheWall

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Resigned to my stupidity
« on: July 04, 2012, 08:58:56 AM »
Hi all

Firstly let me say what a wonderful forum. I have been reading non stop over past few days, have not been able to focus at work, have had hardly any appetite, not sleeping well, having hot flushes and sweats (day and night) as I wait until I can take a test.

My story:

I am young guy, mid 20's and have been very lucky and fortunate in my life. I have a great job, great life and now I have probably thrown it all away.

In some ways I am unsure why I am posting. I know the answers, I know the facts, I have read just about every post on forum that relates in some way to mine but I guess I just need an outlet whilst I have none in my personal life for this incident.

I consider myself straight. I am not attracted to men, at least I don't think so, but have had a thing for trans m2f women. Recently, my life has seen me befriend some gay men, normally through the women in my life, and have started to hang with them on the scene, parties, parades etc.

I was at a club with friends and I and this tgirl were catching each others eye. I was very very drunk. I bought her a drink and it wasn't long before we got in a taxi to her place. She told me "I'm trans" and I said I know, it's been a fantasy.

The rest is a bit of a blur.

We got to her place, it was nice apartment and there was never any suggestion she was a working girl or that I was soliciting services.

I remember exchanging oral, she was very small and then I recall being my front and her perhaps fingering then penetrating with no condom. At least I don't think there was a condom. It hurt and I yelped and she then lubed before trying again. This time was ok, she wasn't too big but was my first time.

What seemed few mind she pulled out and i turned and she was ejaculating manually I didn't feel any thing hit me but very possible. She wiped off with a tissue then shortly after went again. After a while, maybe 5-10 mins maybe more I had enough. It wasn't pain as such it as just over bearing in a sense and I said I can't anymore, it's my first time remember.

I tried after to penetrate her, I don't think I ever did as I was unable to keep erection.

She gave me oral and then I took a good shower sobered up a bit and dawned how incredibly stupid I been.

I came back and got changed and said hey we wasn't very safe do i need to worry and she said no. I appreciate from all posts that is worthless. I have been kicking myself.

So it only been 5 days and my only symptoms have been as mentioned which I think are pure anxiety at present.

I had diarrea the next day, and stomach upset, I had consumed lots of alcohol. I don't recall my anus be sore, but then after bowels movements i am sore down there. I recall no blood from incident, just a bit from wiping after bowel movements which happened many times before I reassure myself, in someways.

So, I know I need to wait 3 months.

I know I am high risk.

I know I need to tough it out,

I know her telling me I had nothing to worry means nothing.

I know clinging to hope over no ejaculation seemingly inside me means nothing.

I know her being very healthy in appearance in a nice apartment means nothing.

I know speculating her being trans and difficulties they face lead often to sex work and/or drug use is wrong but it goes round my head

I just resigned myself that I have likely caught HIV. I don't want sympathy, I don't know what I want. I have already looked at meds, how I will break this news, how my life is going to change.

Your posts have kept me optimistic it's not a death sentence.

Any feedback, support you can offer would be great.

Thanks



Offline Ann

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Re: Resigned to my stupidity
« Reply #1 on: July 04, 2012, 10:06:05 AM »
Wall,

We don't want to know about your symptoms, so don't bother writing about them.

If condoms weren't used when you were anally penetrated, you have had a risk, one that is somewhat lower as ejaculation inside you wasn't involved.

If condoms weren't used when you penetrated her, you had a risk but this is significantly lower than being penetrated yourself without a condom.

Oral is not a true risk.

If I'm reading this correctly and no condoms were used either way for anal intercourse, then you have had a risk and you do need to test - but you're not all that likely to have been infected from this one-off incident as you describe it.

The earliest you can test is at six weeks. The vast majority of people who have actually been infected will seroconvert and test positive by six weeks, with the average time to seroconversion being only 22 days. A six week negative must be confirmed at the three month point, but is highly unlikely to change.

While you wait for the appropriate time to test, you need to stay off hiv websites, stop goggling hiv, and get busy with other things. Do NOT constantly micro-examine your body looking for symptoms. Anxiety will cause many symptoms, so don't add to your anxiety. The waiting time will go much faster that way.

And remember, we don't want to hear about your symptoms. Neither symptoms nor the lack of symptoms will ever tell you a single thing about your hiv status - ONLY testing at the appropriate time will. If you feel unwell, see a doctor. We cannot diagnose you here.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline WritingOnTheWall

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Re: Resigned to my stupidity
« Reply #2 on: July 04, 2012, 10:38:03 AM »
Thanks Ann

Sorry I wasn't posting my "symptoms" or lack of as justification or likelihood, and concede as much they are anxiety, after all by all averages I am way too early to tell.

I had one scare like this with a woman when I was very young and naive and worked myself up way much more than this time, and probed my body etc as you say, convincing myself over nothing.

This time I am not doing that as much, yet, and hope not to, but it is very difficult to focus away from this as I have much time to wait and will dread if true ARS kick in in next 20 or so days. Again, am well aware other things can account for that and test is the only way.

I will cling to the hope of unlikeliness you cite as much as I can, just so much aware of the high risk this was. So damn stupid!

In a strange way I have considered how it will change my career goals and life goals, maybe getting ahead of myself, but my way of mentally preparing myself for the worst I guess. Although I suppose you can never truly prepare for that.

It's admirable the way you guys and girls remain an ever present for the ever stupid and reckless people, or the unlucky ones. Well, I guess all unlucky really.

I will try stop the reading now. I have read all there is to read.

I have one question though that I have not found info on:

They say at early infection is when one is most infectious to others. I imagine with many factors around this virus there is no clear answer, but how long until that time is? An hour or few? A day or two? Atleast a week?

Not that I have any sexual drive at moment, im just curious, as im not even waking up with me morning glory and I am normally a wake up and bed time self pleaser on the reg

Again, thanks for merely replying, it's s relief just to feel someone can hear me and I have got it off my chest.


Offline Ann

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Re: Resigned to my stupidity
« Reply #3 on: July 04, 2012, 10:44:02 AM »

They say at early infection is when one is most infectious to others. I imagine with many factors around this virus there is no clear answer, but how long until that time is? An hour or few? A day or two? Atleast a week?


From a few days onwards. Condoms will protect others regardless of your viral load - presuming you have one. There's a good chance you don't (ie haven't been infected).

In the unlikely event that you do end up positive over this, there is no reason why your career or life goals should change. Hiv is not the illness it was even ten years ago, because the treatments have vastly improved. You are in a part of the world where hiv treatment and access to that treatment is excellent.

Now get off the internet and go do something useful.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline WritingOnTheWall

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Re: Resigned to my stupidity
« Reply #4 on: July 04, 2012, 11:08:25 AM »
Thanks for you answer to my question  :)

Re: work life goals ; I get what you are saying. My point is more I am somewhat enslaved in a high pressure, high stress job, that for the sake of a good life financially I put up with.

But ego and riches and vanity will be of little importance if I don't dodge this, many would argue its not anyway, but I think I would look to move into something I truly love and enjoy despite its little monetary reward so that I can enjoy the true value of life.

Maybe that sounds self defeating and shallow, and I should consider that in any event, but I think it's a narrative in your post signature or other I have seen that has brought a realisation of perspective.

In any case, I shall heed your advice and unlike many others who never return to tell the outcome of their dilemma I will keep you posted.

I can't promise I won't need an outlet at somepoint in the next weeks depending how things go.

I think I am even going to go for a run tonight, which I never do!

Offline WritingOnTheWall

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Re: Resigned to my stupidity
« Reply #5 on: July 04, 2012, 11:59:56 AM »
Hey Ann

Sorry one last thing, just picking up on your "unlikely as you describe" comment.

I have recalled the events as I remember them, but can you elaborate on why? Or was it merely the lack of load in me which leads you to this possibility?

Just wondering any other factors that might have influenced you saying that. Although, I can't say enough how I am aware the risk is still high and real.

Thanks



Offline Ann

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Re: Resigned to my stupidity
« Reply #6 on: July 04, 2012, 01:49:19 PM »
Wall,

Yes, it's primarily the lack of a load in you.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline WritingOnTheWall

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  • Posts: 8
Re: Resigned to my stupidity
« Reply #7 on: July 25, 2012, 08:37:47 AM »
Hi all

I hope you are doing well.

So, it's been 25 days since my exposure, and thus far I am doing pretty good. I have calmed down a lot, had a good two weeks since my last post of putting this out of my mind and getting on with life.

I can't deny that I have been reading the threads on here sporadically, it seems to help bring about a sense of comfort and life after the possible news that could come my way.

I take reasonable comfort from the fact that as yet, coming up to the 4 week mark, I have yet to experience any typical ARS symptoms. I know you won't like me saying that as its never a sure sign or a sign at all but it's got to be slightly good news right? Maybe kidding myself.

All I have had is some tension headaches, neck pain occasionally, which does lead to finger probing on occasion to check nodes which I guess doesn't help. They don't seem to be swollen though and think the anxiety has caused this plus i seemed to strained it with an inpromptu weights work out and think my office workststion and reading more with my head down to my phone hasnt helped. I don't know why we worried wells do this to ourselves but we do. I think in times like this we are hyper sensitive to every little tweak.

So I just wanted to drop in, say hi, see if you think the lack of the obvious ARS that sometimes occur within this window is some comfort or not. I know can take nothing for granted.

Likewise, when should i book my first test? I didn't want to do it too early, and know the conclusive is 3 months. Should I just wait 3 months?

Also on ARS, what's your thinking on the thesis that some have no symptoms? Is this very true or likely that one is not sure of their exposure and thus can not pinpoint whether in fact they did suffer some be it mild or whatever.

Lastly, does ones health, age, or any other factors seem to impact severity or susceptibility to ARS symptoms? I.e. young fit, never ill people have shown symptoms the same way as other easily sick, always ill people have equally not? Thus demonstrating a complete lack of consistency in the virus hence the mantra of TEST TEST TEST

Again, thank you all, wishing you good health and happiness!

P.s. Ann, you crack me up with your comments sometimes!


Offline Ann

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Re: Resigned to my stupidity
« Reply #8 on: July 25, 2012, 09:03:35 AM »
Wall,

I've already told you that the earliest you should test is at six weeks, and yes, given your anxiety levels, you should test at that point. I suggest you re-read your own thread.

Neither symptoms nor the lack of symptoms will ever tell you a single thing about your hiv status. ONLY testing at the appropriate time will ever reliably inform you of your hiv status.

I'm expecting you to test negative.

Keep busy with other things while you wait for the appropriate time for an initial test - six weeks.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline WritingOnTheWall

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Re: Resigned to my stupidity
« Reply #9 on: July 25, 2012, 09:17:12 AM »
Direct and as honest as ever Ann!  ;D

Thank you, I will bide my time another 2 weeks or so and see how we go.

Thank you for your time and words of confidence.

Best

Offline WritingOnTheWall

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Re: Resigned to my stupidity
« Reply #10 on: August 17, 2012, 02:31:34 PM »
Damn it, wrote long post and timed out to start again!  ::)

Hope all are well!

So, 7 weeks exactly tomorrow, and am going to take my test.....eeeeek

Couldn't do 6 week as coincided with a time where the news, if bad, would have made things...erm, awkward! Ha, like the news won't be awkward anyway given its bad!

I remember 7 weeks ago thinking hurry up and come this time, now I am dreading it!

The testing centre will apparently be able to give me result in 30 minute, longest 30 mins of my life no doubt! Unsure what type it is but will be sure to ask. Reassuringly they mention immediate counselling and further testing in event of positive, will definitely need the former and a shot of whiskey or 10! Will test all the other STD too!

Am I confident? No! But I guess who is in this position!

You won't like the rest but just putting it out there:

Don't think I have suffered fever or flu, would be obvious I like to think if I had! But have been hot and sweaty a lot!
Have suffered: diarrrhea and generally soft stools. Headaches have been very common, general fatigue and muscle/joint aches this past week or two and people have commented on weight loss. I noticed the clothes feeling looser, and I thought after the initial 2 week anxiety and loss of appetite I was eating fairly normal. Two nights of night sweats on the trot earlier this week. Not helping my confidence of positive but not positive positive outlook.

Most worrying of all, if I can attribute the above to stress and anxiety, is the neck. Right side swollen, what appears to be from research, submandibular gland/node. This is not my imagination. Whilst its not bulging the skin it is definitively larger and puffier than the left side. That and there is just a general intermittent pain in the area as well as deferred pain elsewhere in the neck and jaw along with stiffness.

Sure, I take confidence that an isolated node/gland would be odd, but at the same time, due to this definitie real issue, I have indentified hard marble type masses directly under the ear, behind the jaw joint on each side of the neck between the neck muscle and jaw bone. No pain from these ones, and again not bulging out but under the skin and maybe they have been there all along but seems odd. Never had a gland issue or neck pains like this so, in the event of a negative, this will be something for the doctor to investigate, just don't like the timing of the situation, bit of a coincidence!

So, of course I do hope I am not back tomorrow in the "just tested Poz" forum, but we shall see! Though maybe not welcome there until i get western blot confirmation if applicable, assume results of that doesn't come on same day!

Wish me luck!

Best regards and healthy living to you all

 


Offline Ann

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Re: Resigned to my stupidity
« Reply #11 on: August 18, 2012, 05:33:38 AM »
Writing,

Didn't I already tell you that we don't want to know about your symptoms? Neither symptoms nor the lack of symptoms will ever tell you a single thing about your hiv status. ONLY testing will. None of your symptoms have been hiv-specific anyway.

Go test. The odds are in your favour of testing negative, so just gather up your nuts and go do it.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline WritingOnTheWall

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Re: Resigned to my stupidity
« Reply #12 on: August 18, 2012, 08:08:34 AM »
Pin prick test complete at exactly 7 weeks.

Advised window is 3 months, but told at 7 weeks pretty much conclusive!

HIV: negative

Syphilis: negative

Madness what you can do to yourself!

Now to the doc / dentist about this puffy salivary gland and neck pain!

Thank you for being there and for all the great work you do.

Admiration for the patience you show to all the people asking about complete no risk situations. I think out of a lot of threads in this section in last few weeks, I was one of only a few genuine high risk cases!

Truly a lesson learned!!!

Best of luck and health to you all, keep up the good work and the fight!

 


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