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Author Topic: First sexual contact after my diagnosis  (Read 3002 times)

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Offline J_Snow

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First sexual contact after my diagnosis
« on: July 29, 2012, 12:58:09 PM »
I am 20, I have know my states for some time now.  I have been very reluctant, and for want of a better word frighten about having sexual contact with an other man post diagnosis. I've recently managed to get my VL down to an undetectable level, and with that, I have been feeling more confident about managing my HIV.

I got talking to this guy in a bar last night, and things progress and I ended up heading back to his at the end of the night.  We did not have penetrative sex, he went down on me for a very short time (no longer that a minute or two). I subsequently went down on him until we both climaxed.  I am currently in a state emotional turmoil, I am very frightened of exposing myself to anyone.  I did not tell this guy that I was HIV+. He tolled me after when we where laying in his bed that he has been have some major medical problems himself. I am feeling awfull about this :-(

What do I do? Text him and tell him that i am +?

I thought i would have been more steadfast about meeting other guys.       

Offline surf18

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Re: First sexual contact after my diagnosis
« Reply #1 on: July 29, 2012, 03:12:46 PM »
Relax your not a leper! Your ud, and even if you weren't you didn't do anything risky. play safe and you don't have to tell anyone anything ever.

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: First sexual contact after my diagnosis
« Reply #2 on: July 29, 2012, 03:48:45 PM »
Relax your not a leper! Your ud, and even if you weren't you didn't do anything risky. play safe and you don't have to tell anyone anything ever.

Except that in many states people are in prison for exactly that.
"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline Ann

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Re: First sexual contact after my diagnosis
« Reply #3 on: July 30, 2012, 05:19:47 AM »

Except that in many states people are in prison for exactly that. (non-disclosure)


Thankfully that's something the OP (J_Snow) is unlikely to have to deal with as he is posting from the UK. Here is the law in the UK:

You may be guilty of reckless HIV transmission if all five points below
applied to you at the time of the alleged offence:

• You knew you had HIV
• You understood how HIV is transmitted
• You had sex with someone who didn’t know you had HIV
• You had sex without a condom
• You transmitted HIV to that person.


source (pdf)

Snow, you may also want to read aidsmap's HIV & the Criminal Law. It's your responsibility to be aware of the law.

Provided you are using condoms for anal (or vaginal) intercourse, you really don't have to worry about giving anyone your virus, particularly now that you have an undetectable viral load. Even if you weren't UD, condoms will still protect your partners. The UD VL mainly comes into it (when condoms are used) if you're topping when a condom breaks.

It's extremely rare for hiv to be transmitted orally - and it's just not going to happen when a person has an undetectable viral load. Oral is really only a concern when the person being sucked has a sky-high viral load and the person doing the sucking has terrible oral health.

Personally, I'm in favour of always disclosing my status to anyone I'm intimate with, for two main reasons. For one, if you end up really liking the person and want to pursue a relationship with him or her, it can be doubly difficult to disclose once you've already had intercourse with them - because it can seem like a breach of trust (lying by omission) to the other person.

Disclosure up-front is a great way of weeding out jerks, bigots and ignorant people who would freak out about hiv. 

By the way, welcome to the forums Snow. There are quite a few of us here who live in the UK (I live in the Isle of Man) so you should feel at home, despite all the Yanks. ;D
Condoms are a girl's best friend

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline Rockin

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Re: First sexual contact after my diagnosis
« Reply #4 on: July 30, 2012, 12:21:30 PM »
Personally, I'm in favour of always disclosing my status to anyone I'm intimate with, for two main reasons. For one, if you end up really liking the person and want to pursue a relationship with him or her, it can be doubly difficult to disclose once you've already had intercourse with them - because it can seem like a breach of trust (lying by omission) to the other person.

Disclosure up-front is a great way of weeding out jerks, bigots and ignorant people who would freak out about hiv. 

Just to offer a counterpoint to the OP on this...IMO disclosing really depends on the type of relationship you might have with someone. If you are just looking for sex, disclosing might not be a great idea because you don't really know the guy and he may have a very bad reaction to it. He may not only reject you but gossip about your status with other people. If you are UND I really don`t see the point of disclosing in case of just-sex.

However, if you want to invest in a relationship with someone then I totally agree with Ann, it`s better to tell upfront. Personally I wouldn't tell on the first date...I'd wait to see if the other person is actually interested in something long-term with you.

Gossip on gay circles runs rampart and everybody talks and there are lots of nasty, hypocritical queens out there. I've had people telling me about HIV+ people that I don't even know that well. It's unfortunate but that's how it is. Keep that in mind. 

Offline J_Snow

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Re: First sexual contact after my diagnosis
« Reply #5 on: July 30, 2012, 01:37:29 PM »
Thanks guys you've given me some peace of mined and some food for thought.

Ann, thanks for the advice! After this experience i'am defiantly going to change my approach.  I am looking for a meaningful LT relationship Hopefully :)

^_^ Awesome to have some more limey's on side!         

Offline J_Snow

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Re: First sexual contact after my diagnosis
« Reply #6 on: July 30, 2012, 01:38:49 PM »
And thanks for the welcome!

Offline mstevens

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Re: First sexual contact after my diagnosis
« Reply #7 on: August 12, 2012, 04:32:36 PM »
hey J:) I had similar issues a while back (May) after having sexual contact for the first time since my diagnosis. I felt horrible for not telling the guy I was positive  I got some wonderful advice on the forum and a calming pat on the back: the thread was called "newbie on disclosure advice" by yours truly. 

I īve only had penetrative sex on another occasion recently with a guy I knew was positive and he knew I was positive too. I found the sense of relief to be immense and I enjoyed sex so much more knowing that I had disclosed and that I could not infect anyone, even if itīs a tiny chance.  Iīve decided that Iīll only have penetrative sex with other positive guys. I donīt mind fooling around with neg guys but it just felt so much better and easier to have sex with someone whoīs also positive. Iīm all for sero-discordant couples or sex but personally I just canīt seem to handle it yet. I get so agitated and worried and tense and sex should be exactly the opposite.

As far as disclosure is concerned, Iīd rather have much less sex with fewer people and always disclose to guys I feel that I can trust, even though they might betray my trust later on. 

Hugs.

Offline Rockin

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Re: First sexual contact after my diagnosis
« Reply #8 on: August 12, 2012, 08:25:21 PM »
hey J:) I had similar issues a while back (May) after having sexual contact for the first time since my diagnosis. I felt horrible for not telling the guy I was positive  I got some wonderful advice on the forum and a calming pat on the back: the thread was called "newbie on disclosure advice" by yours truly. 

I īve only had penetrative sex on another occasion recently with a guy I knew was positive and he knew I was positive too. I found the sense of relief to be immense and I enjoyed sex so much more knowing that I had disclosed and that I could not infect anyone, even if itīs a tiny chance.  Iīve decided that Iīll only have penetrative sex with other positive guys. I donīt mind fooling around with neg guys but it just felt so much better and easier to have sex with someone whoīs also positive. Iīm all for sero-discordant couples or sex but personally I just canīt seem to handle it yet. I get so agitated and worried and tense and sex should be exactly the opposite.

As far as disclosure is concerned, Iīd rather have much less sex with fewer people and always disclose to guys I feel that I can trust, even though they might betray my trust later on. 

Hugs.

Good for you stevens but not all of us are lucky enough to find a poz person to have a relationship with. And why would you get agitated for doing penetration with a neg person? As long as you are UND and using a condom in the proper way the chance of infection is ZERO.

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: First sexual contact after my diagnosis
« Reply #9 on: August 12, 2012, 11:59:01 PM »
Good for you stevens but not all of us are lucky enough to find a poz person to have a relationship with. And why would you get agitated for doing penetration with a neg person? As long as you are UND and using a condom in the proper way the chance of infection is ZERO.

Not to put too fine a point on it, but being undetectable basically means that the ONLY threat of transmission is if the OP is a bareback anal top. Any other sexual situation presents no risk to the negative partner.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline mstevens

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  • Posts: 12
Re: First sexual contact after my diagnosis
« Reply #10 on: August 13, 2012, 05:17:28 AM »
Good for you stevens but not all of us are lucky enough to find a poz person to have a relationship with. And why would you get agitated for doing penetration with a neg person? As long as you are UND and using a condom in the proper way the chance of infection is ZERO.

heya:) never said it was a relationship, just a one night stand. Although when I do think about relationships Iīd rather be in one with a poz guy than a neg guy. But of course I havenīt done it yet so I donīt know how it will play out.

I am undetectable and condom was properly used. Still, I worry, because thatīs who I am, I worry, so Iīd rather have stress-free sex. It isnīt about what makes sense or being able to rationalize it, itīs about the way one feels. That doesnīt mean that within a couple of years I might not get over myself and stop worrying but right now itīs what I feel comfortable with... baby steps!

Offline Lexlo1

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Re: First sexual contact after my diagnosis
« Reply #11 on: August 13, 2012, 08:04:33 AM »
In the State of Florida when you test poz. Yo have to sit down with a detective and he/she explains the law to you and upon his/her explanation you have to sign a paper stating that you understand that is ILLEAGAL to have sex with out disclosure. With that being said, I totally agree make sure you know the law in your state. Also be prepaired to have that person reject you and gosip is is a tricky call. It has made me not want to have sex at all. I am also undetectable but would never chance it.

Offline jimbalaya

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Re: First sexual contact after my diagnosis
« Reply #12 on: August 13, 2012, 08:25:07 PM »
In the State of Florida when you test poz. Yo have to sit down with a detective and he/she explains the law to you and upon his/her explanation you have to sign a paper stating that you understand that is ILLEAGAL to have sex with out disclosure.

Hmmm, I live in FL...my partner and I both tested poz in May, and the only person we were contacted by was someone from the Health Department, and he didn't say anything about legal issues.  He just made sure we were in treatment. 

Offline 0608

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Re: First sexual contact after my diagnosis
« Reply #13 on: August 14, 2012, 01:22:10 AM »
This is certainly a thorny situation, and we all have to make our decisions the way we best see fit.  I'm not speaking from a legal point of view, but just personally, I wouldn't feel right having sex with someone who had no idea I was +.  I feel like he should have the right to decide whether or not to have sex with a + person, and it's not my decision to make for him.

I know that the chances of infection are basically nil when you're at the undetectable level and using condoms, but just from a humane point of view, I think the person has the right to know.  If you take away someone's right just because you want to have sex with them, it's inherently selfish in my eyes.  It sucks, and of course, it's always hard to tell someone, but I still think it should be done.

YMMV, of course.  Just my two cents!
« Last Edit: August 14, 2012, 01:42:06 AM by 0608 »

Offline Rockin

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Re: First sexual contact after my diagnosis
« Reply #14 on: August 14, 2012, 08:53:08 AM »
This is certainly a thorny situation, and we all have to make our decisions the way we best see fit.  I'm not speaking from a legal point of view, but just personally, I wouldn't feel right having sex with someone who had no idea I was +.  I feel like he should have the right to decide whether or not to have sex with a + person, and it's not my decision to make for him.

I know that the chances of infection are basically nil when you're at the undetectable level and using condoms, but just from a humane point of view, I think the person has the right to know.  If you take away someone's right just because you want to have sex with them, it's inherently selfish in my eyes.  It sucks, and of course, it's always hard to tell someone, but I still think it should be done.

YMMV, of course.  Just my two cents!

Nice point but well...it would be wonderful if we could be honest with people all the time. I personally don't think that's possible.

If I'm having a one-night stand and I'm UND and using condoms and all that...if I truly believe I'm not putting the other person in harm's way...then why spill my life to that person who I might never see again or have sex with again? And also, is that seemingly HIV- person telling me everything about his life? Is he telling me about his HPV, his syphilis, his gonorrhea, his herpes, his hep B or C??

I would only disclose if I really like the guy and I think it might lead to something serious. The stigma between gay guys is still so huge is unbelievable...a friend of mine actually said "I don't know if I would be able to get an erection knowing that the guy is HIV+". Here in Rio HIV is still perceived like a plague and most gay guys pretty much know each other and they are scared to death of it. 

 


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