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Author Topic: I just dont know what the future holds for me  (Read 1696 times)

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Offline johnny.lou21

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I just dont know what the future holds for me
« on: August 08, 2012, 08:53:53 PM »
Let me tell you my situation/story

I could have possibly been exposed to HIV and herpes (MOST IMPORTANTLY, I AM ASSUMING I AM ALREADY POSITIVE, THIS IS BECAUSE I DO NOT WANT MY WORLD CRUSHING MY SOUL WHEN THEY TELL ME I AM +)... its been 24 days and I am waiting for next week and ultimately waiting for October 16. Its been a couple weeks of stress, anxiety, mild-severe depression, crying, endless thoughts. I'm 22 year old Bisexual male, have one year left of college, living with parents, have not told anyone that I am bisexual. Had an online hook up with a transgender unprotected anal (I was top). It does not matter that her status is completely unknown, I am just assuming shes positive because she prefers barebacking with complete strangers and urges them not to use a condom because I have no idea...(stupid bi*ch and even stupider is me) I put the blame on me.

I just cant stop thinking about what am I going to do once I am positive. I have made of list of what I want to do when it happens. It ranges from the best thing that could possibly happen to the worst thing that could happen.

(To let you guys know, I have done all the research possible regarding HIV, living with HIV, ADAP, Medications, Costs, states where ADAP is good, Health Insurance, Transmission rates, Info on EVERYTHING)

This list ranges from best to worst:
1) Living as long as possible with HIV, pursue my goals and dreams and live happily ever after with the support of my family and friends
2)Runaway from home completely disappearing without my parents knowing what happened to me and try to live a full life as possible.
3) Live with HIV after my parents abandon me, Live completely independently and somehow succeed in life
4) Suicide...plain and simple, writing a note explaining to my family and friends why I did it and hopefully they understand.
(theres more to the list, I just dont feel like listing them all)


One afternoon I went after 2 weeks of potential exposure and tested Negative, unfortunately, 2 weeks doesn't mean a thing when it comes to HIV. after I left, it was a roller coaster of emotions for the following week. fearing the future of whats going to happen? will I test + or -? how will my parents react? how will I react? how will I afford Meds? What if I get kicked out of the house? What if I turn out homeless? I have no income... just everything you can think of... fear of everything, stigma, shame, scared, petrified of living a short, painful, debilitating life with a fatal disease. not being able to have children and a wife...

Because of the stress and anxiety, I went to the AIDS Ministry in my town and talked to the person who originally gave me test... I just kind of broke down... I told her everything about me, everything about the situation, everything I went through in my life... She knows more about me than any person in this world, I told her my fears, my worries, the stigma i put on myself, and I dont know what I'm feeling right now but it kinda feels a little bit better...

The reason for this long post is because the last option... sounds like the best option... my pessimistic outlook on life is the worst and I just think about things that can happen to me that is just sh*t on top of sh*t bad... I keep thinking...suicide is the best option because it wont burden my family and they wont have to worry about me anymore... they wont have to feel shamed, disappointed, burdened and they wont have to see me as a reminder of failure... I wont be able to have children or get a wife because of my disease so whats the point? I keep thinking this is the best option because I'll be doing them a favor, I'll be doing the entire world a favor... Yes suicide is a completely selfish act... but under these circumstances i find it somewhat acceptable... Its just the way I think....I apologize to people who are offended by this... I know its a manageable disease, i know there is help for people with HIV... Its just the way I think... I have been depressed for a very long time even before this ordeal... What I want to get out of this is maybe theres somebody on this forum HIV, who has thought about suicide can give me their experience, advice, just anything....

I can talk to you about what I talked about with the AIDS Ministry in depth, just let me know, I'm kinda lost... I dont know what I'm feeling right now...

Offline johnny.lou21

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Re: I just dont know what the future holds for me
« Reply #1 on: August 08, 2012, 08:56:36 PM »
I think i posted this in the wrong forum... sorry, im new to this forum and do not know how to delete it...

Offline RapidRod

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Re: I just dont know what the future holds for me
« Reply #2 on: August 08, 2012, 08:58:55 PM »
This is the only post you should be posting in.

Offline Ann

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  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: I just dont know what the future holds for me
« Reply #3 on: August 09, 2012, 04:57:22 AM »

Whoa, slow down. That is WAY too much drama over a one-off insertive incident. The odds are definitely in your favour that you are not hiv positive - provided this is indeed the only unprotected intercourse you've ever had.

Hiv is a fragile, difficult to transmit virus and it is more difficult to transmit from the receptive partner to the insertive partner. (From bottom to top, woman to man.) You are highly unlikely to test hiv positive following one unprotected top incident.

But you do need to test.

The earliest you should test is at six weeks. The vast majority of people who have actually been infected will seroconvert and test positive by six weeks, with the average time to seroconversion being only 22 days.

A six week negative must be confirmed at the three month point but is highly unlikely to change.

You know what else? When you come here talking about suicide over a virus you probably don't even have, it's really insulting to those of us who live with hiv every day of our lives - and we thrive while doing it. Knock off the suicide talk. It won't earn you any suffering brownie points here.

Here's what you need to know in order to avoid hiv infection:

You need to be using condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, every time, no exceptions until such time as you are in a securely monogamous relationship where you have both tested for ALL sexually transmitted infections together.

To agree to have unprotected intercourse is to consent to the possibility of being infected with an STI. Sex without a condom lasts only a matter of minutes, but hiv is forever.

Have a look through the condom and lube links in my signature line so you can use condoms with confidence.

Anyone who is sexually active should be having a full sexual health care check-up, including but not limited to hiv testing, at least once a year and more often if unprotected intercourse occurs.

If you aren't already having regular, routine check-ups, now is the time to start. As long as you make sure condoms are being used for intercourse, you can fully expect your routine hiv tests to return with negative results.

Don't forget to always get checked for all the other sexually transmitted infections as well, because they are MUCH easier to transmit than hiv. Some of the other STIs can be present with no obvious symptoms, so the only way to know for sure is to test.

Use condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, correctly and consistently, and you will avoid hiv infection. It really is that simple!

Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  

"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline johnny.lou21

  • Member
  • Posts: 3
Re: I just dont know what the future holds for me
« Reply #4 on: August 09, 2012, 12:40:39 PM »

I fully understand how offensive it is, I apologize to the people here and the people with HIV who are living full and healthy lives. I do not want suffering brownie points...I do not want sympathy... I just want to know peoples experiences...how they have dealth with the diagnosis of getting HIV... I just want to know its going to be ok... I want to know that I can live a full healthy life... I read the forums in the I Just Test Poz board and the Living with HIV board. Its just difficult to read because people deal with it in their own way, people are not always the same. I for one hand am a weak person in the mind. My pessimistic outlook on life has been with me forever and I just have the notion that this disease will just crush me into dust.

On the other hand. I have talked to a counseler/test giver at the AIDS Ministry here and I told her my entire life. I told her everything and she knows more about me than anybody on this earth. I don't know what I am feeling right now... I can say that after our talk, I feel better... more calm... I just want peoples experiences... I don't want somebody to say that my thinking is correct. I can seek therapy somewhere... I just want somebody to tell me that it gets better... The way I'm feeling right now is the way it is and I can't imagine how I will feel if the bad news comes...

Offline RapidRod

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  • Posts: 15,288
Re: I just dont know what the future holds for me
« Reply #5 on: August 09, 2012, 01:03:15 PM »
Don't get the cart before the horse. You haven't tested positive.

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: I just dont know what the future holds for me
« Reply #6 on: August 09, 2012, 01:16:46 PM »
And like Ann and Rod, I would say you are very unlikely to test positive from that single incident.

While waiting to test initially at 6 weeks, you need to make a real effort to focus on other things in your life. Yes, that can be done so don't say you are too worried to do that. That response is not going to fly here. Do it and you will find that the waiting time will pass more easily than you may imagine is possible.

And the odds are that you are going to test negative. Really.
Andy Velez


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