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Author Topic: My boyfriend is POS, I'm NEG  (Read 12250 times)

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Offline jaroro

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My boyfriend is POS, I'm NEG
« on: July 19, 2012, 09:24:13 PM »
Hello, I've been reading a lot in this forum. Im glad something like this forum exists and people like you moderators and users are here to help people. I really appreciate all of you take your time to help others.

My story is quite similar to a lot of people here. Im a gay male, 24, my boyfriend, 20 is HIV positive. He's been POS for almost 2 years. He started taking his MEDS but he came off of them because he felt tired and sick. When we met 2 months ago, he told me about being POS. I told him he should go back on MEDS for his safety long term and my own and also if he wanted to be with me. So now, he's going back on MEDS.

So now the news comes out with this Truvada med being for non-infected people so they can be protected from getting HIV. I imagine this is a big NO for healthy NEG hiv people, because in the long term it can mess us up? Am I right with this? so I was just thinking in keep using condom and forget about this Truvada thing.

I see lots of topics on how us (NEG) can take care of ourselves from POS boyfriends. But basically the rule is, either I bottom or top, always use condom with plenty of lube. For kissing there is no risk or oral sex there is really no big risk, unless there is blood involved or my mouth or his are not really healthy (we have healthy mouths :)
And when cum anre precum are involved there is no problem, right? The one thing I would like to do is swallow, eat my boyfriends cum, but I should only do it when he's undectable level?

That would be my story and my doubts. Thanks a lot whoever takes the time to answer my questions.


Offline SurferJosh

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Re: My boyfriend is POS, I'm NEG
« Reply #1 on: July 21, 2012, 12:54:03 AM »
Im glad something like this forum exists and people like you moderators and users are here to help people. I really appreciate all of you take your time to help others.

The dominant perspective on this website is a poz worldview. It's helpful for understanding how poz people want to be treated, but might be less so if you're neg and want to stay neg.

I see 2 questions here: 1) How can you best support your boyfriend?; 2) What should you do to stay neg?
In my opinion you should end the relationship but remain friends. Don't jeopardize your health for political correctness or to avoid hurting anyone's feelings. 20 year-olds, regardless of gender, orientation, or HIV status are flaky. I have some co-dependency and boundary issues myself, so I noticed right away the odd dynamic of you playing the parent role in getting him back on his meds.


Offline jaroro

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Re: My boyfriend is POS, I'm NEG
« Reply #2 on: July 21, 2012, 10:24:14 PM »
Thanks for the reply, but honestly ending the relationship won't be an option. I mean, being 20 year olds, were quite mature than we may seem and we both in our own way have been through a lot, and right now we have a really awesome relationship together. So I prefer to learn to live with a BF who is POS an love him as he is instead of ending a relationship right now because of this and not experience the great guy he could be.

Offline Raf

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Re: My boyfriend is POS, I'm NEG
« Reply #3 on: July 21, 2012, 11:01:34 PM »
The dominant perspective on this website is a poz worldview. It's helpful for understanding how poz people want to be treated, but might be less so if you're neg and want to stay neg.

And why do you think that the advice here would be less than anywhere else? do you think that we are a bunch of pozzies recommending him to have bareback sex? the only advice that I would take over this forum or this site's lessons is the direct advice from a doctor. I think if he wanted another source of information he won't be here in the first place.

ah well, but let's get on the subject:

So now the news comes out with this Truvada med being for non-infected people so they can be protected from getting HIV. I imagine this is a big NO for healthy NEG hiv people, because in the long term it can mess us up? Am I right with this? so I was just thinking in keep using condom and forget about this Truvada thing.

You're right, Condoms is the way to go. Unless you had an exposition and require PeP, you don't need to bear with truvada's secondary effects or having to take it daily. Protected sex will keep you safe and sound.

I see lots of topics on how us (NEG) can take care of ourselves from POS boyfriends. But basically the rule is, either I bottom or top, always use condom with plenty of lube. For kissing there is no risk or oral sex there is really no big risk, unless there is blood involved or my mouth or his are not really healthy (we have healthy mouths :)
And when cum anre precum are involved there is no problem, right? The one thing I would like to do is swallow, eat my boyfriends cum, but I should only do it when he's undectable level?

Kissing is a no risk activity, so don't worry about it. Oral sex though, it's been a looong debate subject. There's no actual studies that confirm it as high risk (there are many forum members that are more into scientific researchs and studies, they could have better answers) so I cannot tell you too much there.

Your approach to do it when he's UD seems very reasonable, that's the course of action that  I would follow. I'd avoid oral sex until I know he's at least UD (specially eating about eating your BFs cum, I would avoid it too, but that's the maniac of myself talking, I'm too paranoid about that).

One thing that worries me is that your BF came back to the meds only because you asked him. He should be taking them since the start, for his own health. He must be the first one to worry about himself, you don't have to nurse him all the time.

Thanks for the reply, but honestly ending the relationship won't be an option. I mean, being 20 year olds, were quite mature than we may seem and we both in our own way have been through a lot, and right now we have a really awesome relationship together. So I prefer to learn to live with a BF who is POS an love him as he is instead of ending a relationship right now because of this and not experience the great guy he could be.

You seem very mature and somewhat informed, keep it up bro. I wish you the best for your relationship.

Ah, one final note: check the lessons here on this site, you can learn a lot about transmission, risks, treatment, etc.. about HIV.
Dx: 05/14/2008
Latest HIV Meds combo I've been taking:

Kaletra + Combivir (since 05/16/2008 - today)

Offline jaroro

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Re: My boyfriend is POS, I'm NEG
« Reply #4 on: July 21, 2012, 11:31:53 PM »
Thanks Raf. Your post is something I needed. Yeah, all is good. Im being informed, this forum is quite good on that, so no worries there. Only thing that does worry me is this whole "viral load level" being high or low and how that can affect on oral sex. I know it's better to be UD if there is anal sex and the condom breaks or slips. But viral load when it comes to oral sex, not really quite sure there. Im kind of paranoid about this too.

And I do understand having to "nurse" my BF, but I was the spark on starting meds again but he is doing everything on his own now, going to the doctor and so on, so im not really on his back telling him what to do :)

Offline Rockin

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Re: My boyfriend is POS, I'm NEG
« Reply #5 on: July 23, 2012, 12:04:48 PM »
In my opinion you should end the relationship but remain friends. Don't jeopardize your health for political correctness or to avoid hurting anyone's feelings.

Awful awful advice man...please think twice before saying stuff like that.


Jaroro, I completely agree with Raf. If you love someone why not help them cope with any problems they are having? People have difficulties and issues with just about anything and when you love someone you try to help...I don't think that's "nursing" at all, that's love.

You seem very informed and educated but I'll give you a few opinions on this:

a) Why did he stop the medicine in the first place? He was having bad side effects? What were those? What is his combo? Did he talk to his doctor about it? Is there an option to switch the combo maybe? He might be THINKING that the combo is giving him side effects and whatever he was feeling might even have nothing to do with the medicine at all, it might be just in his head. He has to adhere to the treatment, regardless of being in a relationship or not. You should talk to him about it and maybe even going to the doctor with him.

b) As long as you use condoms with lube you'll be fine. Researchers say that when the HIV+ is UND that it's even possible to not use condoms as the chance of infection is almost zero. However, that's up to you both. If you want to be paranoia-free about infection then always use condoms, no matter what. 

Online Jeff G

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Re: My boyfriend is POS, I'm NEG
« Reply #6 on: July 23, 2012, 12:24:04 PM »
I see 2 questions here: 1) How can you best support your boyfriend?; 2) What should you do to stay neg?
In my opinion you should end the relationship but remain friends. Don't jeopardize your health for political correctness or to avoid hurting anyone's feelings.

I think statements like this is another prime reason why newly poz people have such a rough time coming to terms with living with HIV . Its really rather sickening to me but I will just let it go at that .

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: My boyfriend is POS, I'm NEG
« Reply #7 on: July 23, 2012, 01:09:20 PM »
I think statements like this is another prime reason why newly poz people have such a rough time coming to terms with living with HIV . Its really rather sickening to me but I will just let it go at that .

I simply submit that surferjosh has not been in love.

Also, seriously?
"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline wolfter

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Re: My boyfriend is POS, I'm NEG
« Reply #8 on: July 23, 2012, 01:10:11 PM »
In my opinion you should end the relationship but remain friends. Don't jeopardize your health for political correctness or to avoid hurting anyone's feelings. 20 year-olds, regardless of gender, orientation, or HIV status are flaky.

I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt and assume this was misguided humor?  If not, you're in for one hell of a bumpy ride in these parts. :o

Wolfie
Complacency is the enemy.  ;)  Challenge yourself daily for maximum  return on investment.

Offline Blue75

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Re: My boyfriend is POS, I'm NEG
« Reply #9 on: July 23, 2012, 01:26:45 PM »
Hey Jaroro,

Absolutely do NOT leave him because of his status! My husband is positive and I am negative and it will stay that way.  I will never leave him just because of this damn virus.

Good for you for making it very clear that ending the relationship is not an option for you!!  Hang in there.  He's a lucky guy to have something like you.
Husband:
2/14/12 Tested HIV+
3/16/12: CD4-216, VL-56,500
5/4/12: Started Atripla
5/7/12: CD4-184, VL-12,000 (Taken off Atripla after 3 days, awaiting liver testing) Started antibiotics.

Offline Rockin

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Re: My boyfriend is POS, I'm NEG
« Reply #10 on: July 23, 2012, 02:49:25 PM »
I simply submit that surferjosh has not been in love.

Also, seriously?

Some poz guys (is surferjosh poz anyway?) get incredibly paranoid over their status and simply stop dating at all or only date poz guys. Maybe its his case.

Offline Raf

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Re: My boyfriend is POS, I'm NEG
« Reply #11 on: July 23, 2012, 04:25:14 PM »
(is surferjosh poz anyway?)

His first remark about this site on his post makes me think he's not poz, and if he is, man, he have a long road ahead.

Some poz guys get incredibly paranoid over their status and simply stop dating at all or only date poz guys. Maybe its his case.

It's my case too, after my Dx I got really paranoid, specially with infecting someone else with HIV, or contracting another STI, so I stopped dating 3-4 years ago. But I'm not going everywhere trying to preach that this is healthy or the best course of action, when I know that I should get past this and try to find someone else.

If I have to give advice I try to put my own demons aside and try to be more objective. what "works" for me (and I know that it won't work in the long road) doesn't have to work for others.

Even though, at least I have the advantage of not needing to have regular STI check ups or worry about other STIs.
Dx: 05/14/2008
Latest HIV Meds combo I've been taking:

Kaletra + Combivir (since 05/16/2008 - today)

Offline Rockin

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Re: My boyfriend is POS, I'm NEG
« Reply #12 on: July 23, 2012, 06:36:03 PM »
His first remark about this site on his post makes me think he's not poz, and if he is, man, he have a long road ahead.

If he is negative he's a royal douchebag.

It's my case too, after my Dx I got really paranoid, specially with infecting someone else with HIV, or contracting another STI, so I stopped dating 3-4 years ago. But I'm not going everywhere trying to preach that this is healthy or the best course of action, when I know that I should get past this and try to find someone else.

If I have to give advice I try to put my own demons aside and try to be more objective. what "works" for me (and I know that it won't work in the long road) doesn't have to work for others.

Even though, at least I have the advantage of not needing to have regular STI check ups or worry about other STIs.

Well said Ralf. Are you back on the dating scene now?

Offline Ann

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Re: My boyfriend is POS, I'm NEG
« Reply #13 on: July 24, 2012, 05:48:00 AM »

(is surferjosh poz anyway?)



His first remark about this site on his post makes me think he's not poz, and if he is, man, he have a long road ahead.


Josh came to us about his poz brother - and he seems to be struggling with issues surrounding being overly judgemental. No, he's not poz himself.


If he is negative he's a royal douchebag.


Could you tone down the name-calling? We're not going to change Josh's perspective by attacking him.

Jaroro, despite what Josh might have you believe, you'll get the advice here you need to remain hiv negative. And the bottom line there is simple - use condoms with plenty of water-based lube for intercourse, just like you have been doing.

The oral sex thing has been hotly contested but really, it shouldn't be that big a deal. There have been three long-term studies of couples where one is positive and one is negative. In the couples who used condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, but no barrier for oral activities, not one of the negative partners became infected with hiv. Not one.

The only time I'd be worried about oral myself is if really poor oral health (on the sucker's side) was involved, along with an extremely high viral load such as is normally only seen in acute infection (the first few months) on the side of the person being sucked. Your partner's VL isn't going to be that high, not even off meds.

Here's something else to consider - your saliva contains over a dozen different proteins and enzymes that damage hiv and render it unable to infect. Hiv is very, very fragile.

In addition to that, hiv can only infect a very few, very specific types of cells and these cells are not found in abundance in the mouth. If you've got crappy oral health with open sores and swollen, bleeding gums (and I'm not talking about spitting pink when you brush your teeth), you'll be increasing the presence of cells that hiv can infect, so keep your mouth healthy.

And of course if he has an undetectable viral load, you're not going to get infected through blowing him. It's up to you to decide whether you want to wait until he's UD, or if you trust the science enough to blow him now.

Good luck with your relationship. It can work, but like every other relationship out there, you'll face challenges. May you both have the wisdom and strength to rise to those challenges together, as a team.
Condoms are a girl's best friend

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline Rockin

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Re: My boyfriend is POS, I'm NEG
« Reply #14 on: July 24, 2012, 10:09:43 AM »

Could you tone down the name-calling? We're not going to change Josh's perspective by attacking him.


Sorry Ann but education and politeness has its limits. When I see someone writing something like that I immediately think about some newly poz guy looking for hope coming here and reading this stuff and feeling miserable and depressed because of it. No one has this right. If you want to give bad advice send a PM then. If he's dealing with his own issues regarding HIV he should simply refrain from giving advice to people. 

Offline Ann

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Re: My boyfriend is POS, I'm NEG
« Reply #15 on: July 24, 2012, 10:33:37 AM »

Sorry Ann but education and politeness has its limits. When I see someone writing something like that I immediately think about some newly poz guy looking for hope coming here and reading this stuff and feeling miserable and depressed because of it. No one has this right. If you want to give bad advice send a PM then. If he's dealing with his own issues regarding HIV he should simply refrain from giving advice to people. 


Sure, I agree, aside from the bit about sending bad advice via PM. I'd rather it was done in public so the bad advice can be refuted.

However, you can refute someone's bad advice without resorting to name-calling. We do not permit name-calling in these forums. You can call someone out on their behaviour, but don't call them nasty names in the process. Consider yourself warned.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline Rockin

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Re: My boyfriend is POS, I'm NEG
« Reply #16 on: July 24, 2012, 11:49:42 AM »
Sure, I agree, aside from the bit about sending bad advice via PM. I'd rather it was done in public so the bad advice can be refuted.

However, you can refute someone's bad advice without resorting to name-calling. We do not permit name-calling in these forums. You can call someone out on their behaviour, but don't call them nasty names in the process. Consider yourself warned.

Ann

Well fine then, I apologize, but I didn't think douchebag was such a nasty word. Its used everywhere. I didn't call him an a-hole or anything like that.

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: My boyfriend is POS, I'm NEG
« Reply #17 on: July 24, 2012, 06:40:05 PM »
Sure, I agree, aside from the bit about sending bad advice via PM. I'd rather it was done in public so the bad advice can be refuted.


Agreed. I am very wary of the PM feature. It can be - and I suspect sometimes is- used to undermine what's said above the boards. I prefer to talk/hash/fight things out in the open. I have every faith that when I go too far, I will be chastised. But at least people know more or less exactly where I stand.

I suck at equivocating.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline Ann

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Re: My boyfriend is POS, I'm NEG
« Reply #18 on: July 25, 2012, 07:24:37 AM »
Well fine then, I apologize, but I didn't think douchebag was such a nasty word. Its used everywhere. I didn't call him an a-hole or anything like that.

Seriously? I hear a-hole far more often than I hear douchebag and yes, douchbag is nasty. Do you even know what one is? Neither word is conducive to informative dialogue.

We're never going to change anyone's perspective regarding hiv or people living with hiv if all we do is attack them through name-calling. Calling this guy a douchebag is only going to confirm his belief that people living with hiv have no regard for hiv negative people. Get what I'm saying?

Anyway, enough with this hijack. If you wish to discuss this further, please feel free to PM me.
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline Rockin

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Re: My boyfriend is POS, I'm NEG
« Reply #19 on: July 25, 2012, 01:47:30 PM »
Calling this guy a douchebag is only going to confirm his belief that people living with hiv have no regard for hiv negative people. Get what I'm saying?

Yes but I think it was the other way around, wasn't it? He was the one with no regard for pozzies in the first place. I just have a problem with some internet comments, anyone can say whatever they want and not be accountable for it ever. So it boils my blood sometimes and I cannot help myself. But point taken Ann, and enough with the hijacking as well.

Jaroro I hope you and your boyfriend can work things out. 

Offline Ann

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Re: My boyfriend is POS, I'm NEG
« Reply #20 on: July 25, 2012, 02:38:36 PM »

Yes but I think it was the other way around, wasn't it? He was the one with no regard for pozzies in the first place. I just have a problem with some internet comments, anyone can say whatever they want and not be accountable for it ever. So it boils my blood sometimes and I cannot help myself. But point taken Ann, and enough with the hijacking as well.
 

Didn't I already explain to you that you can call someone out on their behaviour without calling them names? Just knock off with the name calling. That's all I'm asking. If you don't, I've got a Time Out with your name on it. Try me.

Now stop the hijack already, our you'll get that Time Out sooner than you may expect.

Ann

Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline SurferJosh

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Re: My boyfriend is POS, I'm NEG
« Reply #21 on: July 25, 2012, 10:56:21 PM »
I didn't mean to cause so much controversy here... I offered my thoughts to Jaroro and he politely declined to accept my advice, which is his right.

This forum is labelled for family and friends who are not supposed to post in the other forums.  I presumed it was okay to politely offer a perspective that is unavailable in the other boards here.  Specifically I felt that the singular voice being expressed was that serodiscordant relationships are a cake-walk.  Maybe I wasn't clear enough in the reasons why I though it  would be difficult for a serodiscordant couple that is so young to work out, especially where medication adherence is already a serious problem.



I've been reading a lot trying to understand the dynamics of infection.  The late Stephen Gendin's haunting 1999 piece about infecting his partner really affected me. http://www.poz.com/articles/220_12073.shtml  I worried whether the original poster and his partner are mature enough to think through all these issues and consider the risks and benefits. The analysis might be different for older serodiscordant couples who have already invested 5, 10, or 20 years in a relationship and are prepared to take precautions and deal with pressures.


Rockin was upset with what I wrote and felt I had no regard for pozzies and that I wasn't accountable for what I wrote. I in turn feel that there is no accountability if commenters here provide rose-tinted advice.

Offline Ann

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Re: My boyfriend is POS, I'm NEG
« Reply #22 on: July 26, 2012, 07:44:42 AM »

I've been reading a lot trying to understand the dynamics of infection.  The late Stephen Gendin's haunting 1999 piece about infecting his partner really affected me. http://www.poz.com/articles/220_12073.shtml 


Many aspects of that article are not particularly relevant fifteen years later in 2012. (Yes, the article was published in 1999, but the main event - seroconversion - occurred in late '97/early '98.)

From the article:

Discussions about mixed-status HIV prevention—at both a personal and a community level—need to evolve with medical advances. Right now there is much hope about health and longevity thanks to better anti-HIV therapies, but these drugs can pit survival against quality of life in poignant ways. Above all, their negative effect on the sex lives of people with HIV and their partners calls for much-needed research. And as Stephen Gendin’s and Hush McDowell’s stories caution, the transmission of MDR strains of virus presents increasingly serious consequences for individuals, couples and the public health.

The salient point is medical advances.

Right now there is much hope about health and longevity thanks to better anti-HIV therapies, but these drugs can pit survival against quality of life in poignant ways.

We've come a long way since '97, '99 and even 2003, when the new salvage therapy Fuzeon was approved for use. Today, for the majority of positive people on meds, quality of life is no longer the "poignant" issue it once was in the 90's. The combos we have today are not only effective, but they are also well-tolerated by most.

And as Stephen Gendin’s and Hush McDowell’s stories caution, the transmission of MDR strains of virus presents increasingly serious consequences for individuals, couples and the public health.

Today, people who acquired MDR strains of hiv from the early (pre-'96) sub-standard treatments are either sadly no longer with us, or thankfully have been saved by the newer classes of meds that began coming out in the early 21st century, starting with Fuzeon. So that's one aspect of the story serodiscordant couples today - particularly young couples like the OP and his partner - are unlikely to face.

In addition to those two points, today we have evidence that a positive person who is undetectable and on meds is unlikely to transmit their virus to their partner. I said unlikely - I didn't say it was impossible.

But you simply cannot compare a person today, on therapy and undetectable, with someone like Stephen who according to Hush, had a "supervirus and sky-high viral load".

Today we have PEP in case of accidents. Today we now also have PrEP in the form of the newly-approved-for-Pre-Exposure-Prophylaxis, Truvada. All Stephen and Hush had to fall back on was condoms. Today's serodiscordant couples have four means of keeping the negative partner negative.

1. Effective treatments that enable an undetectable viral load which drastically reduces the risk of transmission.

2. PEP for accidents.

3. Truvada as PrEP.

4. Condoms.

While many of the emotional aspects of their story are still quite relevant, much of the pressure Stephen and Hush were under has been diminished today in light of the medical advances.


I in turn feel that there is no accountability if commenters here provide rose-tinted advice.


Nobody here provides rose-tinted advice, we provide advice based on state-of-the-art transmission science and today's reality. We don't give advice based on articles over a decade old.

So Josh, maybe you should do some additional reading, preferably articles that have been published in the past one or two years rather than ten or fifteen years ago.

 
Condoms are a girl's best friend

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline mecch

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Re: My boyfriend is POS, I'm NEG
« Reply #23 on: July 26, 2012, 09:12:21 AM »
Hello, I've been reading a lot in this forum. Im glad something like this forum exists and people like you moderators and users are here to help people. I really appreciate all of you take your time to help others.

My story is quite similar to a lot of people here. Im a gay male, 24, my boyfriend, 20 is HIV positive. He's been POS for almost 2 years. He started taking his MEDS but he came off of them because he felt tired and sick. When we met 2 months ago, he told me about being POS. I told him he should go back on MEDS for his safety long term and my own and also if he wanted to be with me. So now, he's going back on MEDS.

So now the news comes out with this Truvada med being for non-infected people so they can be protected from getting HIV. I imagine this is a big NO for healthy NEG hiv people, because in the long term it can mess us up? Am I right with this? so I was just thinking in keep using condom and forget about this Truvada thing.

I see lots of topics on how us (NEG) can take care of ourselves from POS boyfriends. But basically the rule is, either I bottom or top, always use condom with plenty of lube. For kissing there is no risk or oral sex there is really no big risk, unless there is blood involved or my mouth or his are not really healthy (we have healthy mouths :)
And when cum anre precum are involved there is no problem, right? The one thing I would like to do is swallow, eat my boyfriends cum, but I should only do it when he's undectable level?

That would be my story and my doubts. Thanks a lot whoever takes the time to answer my questions.

If you don't want to get HIV, use condoms for screwing.

If I were you, I would let the relationship get quite stable as to his health, before I even considered other ways of having sex. 

If you just keep using condoms, your bf might chill out eventually and get a handle on how and when he is going to come to terms with HAART for his infection. 

Furthermore he doesn't have to worry about your fears, what he owes you, etc etc, these become moot, because you are protecting you, through the use of condoms.

The fact that he being on HAART and undetectable would be an advantage to YOU; as well as him, should be something he considers ENTIRELY on his own.  You can say, sure, but we can use condoms today, no problem, and consider those questions when you eventually decided to stay stably on HAART, my dear.

He's still working out his own fears and his own responsibilities to his own health.

It is really NOT ideal that your bf has been on HAART, and then off HAART.  This is usually not the way it goes... His side effects should have been addressed by his treating doctors so as he could stay on HAART.  This is the reason it seems to me that he is topsy turvy about his own infection and hasn't make piece with being HIV+ nor with treating HIV.

If you could have the strength of character to be a rock by always using comdoms and being chill about your own risk and about the fact that your bf is HIV+, some of this chill might wear off on your BF and he'll get it together and become more stable and mature.
« Last Edit: July 26, 2012, 09:19:14 AM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline drewm

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Re: My boyfriend is POS, I'm NEG
« Reply #24 on: July 26, 2012, 09:57:27 AM »
Some thoughts, not only is Ann a moderator but a voice of reason, compassion and occasional snarky humor. Do as she says, show respect or be gone  ;)

Dumping someone for being POZ is over-reacting. If a neg partner protects him/herself  there is no need for such a draconian action.

Your BF apparently needs to be on meds. Stopping meds after you are have started them is not wise without consulting ones physician.

I agree that you sound mature and seem to be grasping this situation. Hang in there.

Drew
Diagnosed in  May of 2010 with teh AIDS.

PCP Pneumonia . CD4 8 . VL 500,000

ATRIPLA - VALTREX -  FLUOXETINE - FENOFIBRATE


Numbers consistent since 12/2010 - VL has remained undetectable and CD4 is anywhere from 275-325

Offline jaroro

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Re: My boyfriend is POS, I'm NEG
« Reply #25 on: July 29, 2012, 06:01:41 PM »
Good luck with your relationship. It can work, but like every other relationship out there, you'll face challenges. May you both have the wisdom and strength to rise to those challenges together, as a team.

Thanks a lot to everyone for your support and answers to my questions. Im really glad on the decision I've made to stay with my partner and go through this together even though we haven't been together for long. No human deserves to be treated differently and mostly not feel loved by another human being just because of this virus.

This tuesday he starts again with his doctors appointment on the whole meds thing, im going with him and supporting every step. Thank you all! :)

Offline Ann

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Re: My boyfriend is POS, I'm NEG
« Reply #26 on: July 30, 2012, 03:38:41 AM »
Hey Jaroro, good to hear from you again. I was afraid you might have been scared off. We can be a formidable bunch at times, but we mean well. ;)

It's good to know that you'll be going to your partner's appointment with him. Make sure you discuss the four ways of protecting your negative status I talked about (see reply #22) with the doctor and your partner. I hope his doctor is up-to-date on this stuff and has a sex-positive attitude towards poz/neg couples. Keep us posted on how it goes. Remember, your experience will help others, so let us know what happens.

Hugs,
Ann
xxx
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline magnoman

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Re: My boyfriend is POS, I'm NEG
« Reply #27 on: August 01, 2012, 03:06:26 AM »
Just to say I am in a similar position.  In that I too am in a serodiscordant relationship with someone who recently was diagnosed with HIV.

My bf currently is adamant that we shouldn't have sex anymore, even going so far as to say I should have sex with other people.  My argument that it is no more dangerous making love with him than with anyone else, indeed possibly safer as we know his status is currently not holding much water with him.

Anyway just wanted to say Hi, having lurked on these forums for a while and to say that my thoughts are with you both.

Offline Ann

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Re: My boyfriend is POS, I'm NEG
« Reply #28 on: August 02, 2012, 03:40:51 AM »
Hi Magnoman, welcome to the forums.

Is your partner on meds yet? Because if he is, once he gets his viral load down to undetectable, the chances of him transmitting his virus are drastically reduced. Provided you always use condoms for anal intercourse, you'll be just fine where hiv is concerned regardless of his viral load. Make sure you read the condom and lube links in my signature line - a correctly used condom rarely breaks.

It's not unusual for a newly diagnosed person to be feeling how your partner is feeling. He may just need more time to process it all. I'm sure your love and support will help him more than you may realise. Hang in there!
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline magnoman

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Re: My boyfriend is POS, I'm NEG
« Reply #29 on: August 03, 2012, 02:52:38 AM »
Thanks so much Ann, I have been lurking here for a while and just reading a lot.

I have to say thank you to those of you who give up your time on this forum with enormous patience and grace.  It must get frustrating being asked the same things over and over.

No, he isn't on meds here.  We are still waiting for the first blood test to take place and then apparently it might be another 40 days before we get the results.

The first positive Elisa was back in March, the Western Blot was negative so we were feeling semi relaxed, but then three months later we did another Elisa which was also positive and the confirmatory test that they used this time, which was an ImmunoFluorescense test rather than another Western blot was positive.

Unfortunately where we live the medical system is pretty slow, so we should have the first results back in September or so.  And then they put people on meds once the tcells drop below 250.  Depending on the first result I may look into getting private treatment to get him onto meds earlier. We will see.

Anyway I don't want to hijack jaroro's thread, so thanks for listening... and again thanks for your great advice both here and on numerous other threads I have read on forums.poz.com.

Depending on the first blood results I may well post again and ask for advice on that issue, or just carry on reading and try to become more informed.

Offline jaroro

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Re: My boyfriend is POS, I'm NEG
« Reply #30 on: August 03, 2012, 06:55:47 PM »
Anyway I don't want to hijack jaroro's thread, so thanks for listening... and again thanks for your great advice both here and on numerous other threads I have read on forums.poz.com.

Your not hijacking anything, ask away, this is everyone's forum. :)

I went to the doctor with my partner and the doctor was a total jackass. He didn't help at all, he was in a rush, angry and none of it was our fault. It was bad luck we got the appointment when he was in that mood. Anyway, my partner has another scheduled visit not with the doctor but with the lab where they're going to take his CD4 and viral load exams to see how he's doing and then see what meds he's going to be on. But unfortunately, also here where I live all this process is so slow. I just kind of feel bad waiting and not see him be on meds knowing that the meds are going to help.

One thing my partner is worried about and that the Doctor didn't help at all was the fact that he came off meds one time and he wanted to know how much this affected him in future terms. I told my partner about this forum and he wants to ask questions that the doctor obviously didn't answer. Would it be appropriate or should we just look up for another doctor.

Thank you.

Offline magnoman

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Re: My boyfriend is POS, I'm NEG
« Reply #31 on: August 04, 2012, 01:14:22 AM »
Sorry to hear about the doctor being a jackass.

My guess is that it would definitely be appropriate to point your bf in the direction of these forums.

And it may well be worthwhile looking for a different doctor.  One of the things that I have picked up on is that there needs to be a good relationship between a doctor and patient when it comes to long term healthcare.  So whilst it might have been a one off with the doctor first time round, there is nothing wrong to see if your partner gels better with a different one.

There is some great advice to be found on here and I think that the more informed you can be the better your life will be.

Offline Ann

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Re: My boyfriend is POS, I'm NEG
« Reply #32 on: August 04, 2012, 07:18:00 AM »

I told my partner about this forum and he wants to ask questions that the doctor obviously didn't answer. Would it be appropriate or should we just look up for another doctor.


Your partner is more than welcome to create an account. Please do me a favour first - send me a PM and let me know what user name he wants to use so it doesn't get rejected during the approvals process. Thanks! :)

Everyone has bad days, including doctors. However, if this doctor proves to be consistently in a bad mood or if it seems like he has little interest in your partner's questions and problems, then by all means, find a new doctor. He shouldn't have to put up with a doctor who doesn't care about him.
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline jaroro

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Re: My boyfriend is POS, I'm NEG
« Reply #33 on: November 09, 2012, 02:11:13 PM »
Hello, sorry for bringing this topic back up again, Im not sure if I was supposed to create a new topic or just continue in the one I preciously created.

My boyfriend who is POS, went to the doctor today (him alone), and apparently he's in really good health, good shape and he made it seem its all wonderful with his health right now and that he doesn't need to be on meds right now, so he made an appointment until 4 months from now to check back on his health status.

Now, my question is, me being NEG and not knowing much about this.. is this actually possible? I though everyone has to be on meds if your POS to take care of yourself for the long run. So Im not quite sure what to make out of this.

Thank you!

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: My boyfriend is POS, I'm NEG
« Reply #34 on: November 09, 2012, 05:58:40 PM »
Hello, sorry for bringing this topic back up again, Im not sure if I was supposed to create a new topic or just continue in the one I preciously created.

My boyfriend who is POS, went to the doctor today (him alone), and apparently he's in really good health, good shape and he made it seem its all wonderful with his health right now and that he doesn't need to be on meds right now, so he made an appointment until 4 months from now to check back on his health status.

Now, my question is, me being NEG and not knowing much about this.. is this actually possible? I though everyone has to be on meds if your POS to take care of yourself for the long run. So Im not quite sure what to make out of this.

Thank you!

First off, might want to consider using the term POZ. I keep reading POS as "Piece Of Shit" which I am pretty sure you don't mean :)

Secondly, many people go years and years after seroconverting before they are required to go on meds. There is mounting evidence that early treatment is better, but mitigated against the idea of daily medication, affording that medication, and dealing with potential side effects (both long and short term) I can certainly understand a person wanting to wait a bit.

Taking meds is a terribly personal decision, and until someone is ready to commit to what is currently a lifetime of medication (and the potential struggles, at least in the beginning, with potential side effects, insurance, and the like) then waiting is better than non-adherence. Of course, some people test positive with poor enough numbers that they really don't have much of a choice. Fortunately, it looks like your partner is not one of those folks.

It might be that having a poor doctor might be impacting his desire to pursue meds. He might not want to deepen the relationship with this doctor, when another doctor might want/need to run resistance testing and other labs to determine the best treatment fit.

Another consideration is the viral load. The lower it is, the less of a chance of transmission in case of a condom break (down to nearly zero with an undetectable viral load.) I don't know how much this will factor into your partner's decision, but it's a conversation worth having at some point.

Regardless, it seems as though your partner has time to make these determinations. I hope that his first call is to secure a relationship with his doctor that is as optimal as possible. It will need to be a very good fit in order to insure he gets the right kind of care in a timely fashion by a competent professional who listens to him.



"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

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