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Author Topic: a cruel little joke  (Read 2494 times)

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Offline Longislander

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,486
a cruel little joke
« on: October 08, 2006, 03:16:37 AM »
10 months into this. I'm still trying to cope and adjust. I go out to meet this online group of pos guys that meet once a month at a bar in NYC, just to hang out and be relaxed about who's pos, who's neg, etc.. Out of the last 5 months, tonite was my 3rd time going . Every F-ing time I have gone, I have met someone, someone even the old me would have thought very hot (handsome , tall, etc). Not in the positive group though, Just another guy at the bar. Lots of kissing , a little groping, then I make an excuse and go home.

NOT FAIR!! When I was negative, I always went home alone, rarely met anyone!!

Just venting, going to bed.

infected 10/05 diagnosed 12-05
2/06   379/57000                    6/07 372/30500 25%   4/09 640/U/32% 
5/06   ?? /37000                     8/07 491/55000/24%    9/09 913/U/39%
8/06   349/9500 25%              11/07 515/68000/24     2/10 845/U/38%
9/06   507/16,000 30% !          2/08  516/116k/22%    7/10 906/80/39%
12/06 398/29000 26%             Start Atripla 3/08
3/07   402/80,000 29%            4/08  485/undet!/27
4/07   507/35,000 25%            7/08 625/UD/34%
                                                 11/08 684/U/36%

Offline Val

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Re: a cruel little joke
« Reply #1 on: October 08, 2006, 04:13:33 AM »
Hey, Longislander!
Would it be too dangerous to just let go and "play" for, if not, just one night?  I don't know, not really sex 'cause it seems to me you are not prepared yet for that! There are several options out there, I gather.  And you don't have to be a hunk to experience "that." I am referring to cuddling, kissing, mutual masturbation(perhaps?), talking, playing games, you name it...   Just be careful, though, to not fall in love! ;)

Val
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http://www.yannarthusbertrand.com/yann2/affichage.php?reference=TVDC%20YABFR084&pais=France
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http://asyoudesireme.online.fr/index.htm
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http://www.richarddechazal.com/
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Photography:
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Offline anniebc

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  • Posts: 5,956
  • AM member since 2003
Re: a cruel little joke
« Reply #2 on: October 08, 2006, 04:42:32 AM »
I know it's hard to adjust, but how are you going to get to know someone if you keep making excuses and then walking out on them, the only message you are giving them there is that you are not interested in them, when it's pretty obvious you are...I know it's easy for me to say, but try and stay around a little longer and give them the time to get to know you, who knows, they may be more understanding than you give them credit for... you will never know if you don't give it a go...one of those guys may well be the one you have been waiting for.

Hugs
Jan :-*



-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Never knock on deaths door..ring the bell and run..he really hates that.

Offline Cliff

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,645
Re: a cruel little joke
« Reply #3 on: October 08, 2006, 08:11:14 AM »
I agree with Jan.  You will always be disappointed if you keep putting your fears in front of you.  You just never know, some of those guiys you have turned away may be HIV positive too.  I wouldn't assume that just because they aren't in the group, they must be negative.  Just go out and have a good time and don't worry about who's positive or negative.  There will come a time when you will want to disclose your status but it doesn't have to be the minute you meet someone.  Let them see who you are first...you're more than just a guy with HIV.

It takes a while to adjust to being positive, but you will eventually get there.  Heck I'm still adjusting and it's been over 3 years.  But things are so much better now than they were in the summer of 03.

Offline alisenjafi

  • Member
  • Posts: 811
  • They say HIV comes from monkeys!
Re: a cruel little joke
« Reply #4 on: October 08, 2006, 08:25:19 AM »
You are also assuming that they are neg. Unless of course your gaydar has been modified? Take a deep breath and remember you have to grope a few frog before you fnd your prince ! ;)
Johnny
"You shut your mouth
how can you say
I go about things the wrong way
I am human and I need to be loved
just like everybody else does"
The Smiths

Offline Andy Velez

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 25,354
Re: a cruel little joke
« Reply #5 on: October 08, 2006, 09:16:06 AM »
LI, there is no way to get around this difficult, challenging and scary stuff without getting in there and living through it. Personally, I think we only really learn through experience. Some will almost certainly pull up their socks and run when you say "HIV" to them, but others will not.

You have to be willing to tolerate uncertainty. As Jan has aptly suggested, give the other guy a chance to know more about you in every way.  Right now you are listening to what I call "the high school voice of death." That's the voice that says you are a creep, you're not enough, you need to be something different than who and what you are, etc. It only has power when you give it over to the voice by accepting its stuff to be true.

The life voice is the one that tells you to go for what you want, to pick yourself and start all over again when somethng doesn't work out because LIFE is in the doing and not the hiding or avoiding what you want. So you can hear all that noise about not being enough, imperfect and whatever and still go for what you want anyway! It's amazing how it can fade away when you become really involved in what you want. That's when the lifeforce goes into action.

For you right now HIV status is the issue but really this is about much more than that. That deadly voice can creep or gallop into so many life situations.

You're much more than that voice, LI. Dare to let yourself be seen and known is wot I say. Go for it and keep us posted.

Cheers,
« Last Edit: October 08, 2006, 09:18:14 AM by Andy Velez »
Andy Velez

Offline Longislander

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,486
Re: a cruel little joke
« Reply #6 on: October 08, 2006, 10:44:43 AM »
wow, thanks everyone. I know you're all right, but I'm sure Andy's take has way too much truth to it. I'm hoping someoday soon, I'll be able to get myself in a better place with this. I think I need to start seeing someone.

Thanks for being there.

Paul

you have to grope a few frog before you fnd your prince !
Alisenjafi--pretty funny, thanks for the chuckle
infected 10/05 diagnosed 12-05
2/06   379/57000                    6/07 372/30500 25%   4/09 640/U/32% 
5/06   ?? /37000                     8/07 491/55000/24%    9/09 913/U/39%
8/06   349/9500 25%              11/07 515/68000/24     2/10 845/U/38%
9/06   507/16,000 30% !          2/08  516/116k/22%    7/10 906/80/39%
12/06 398/29000 26%             Start Atripla 3/08
3/07   402/80,000 29%            4/08  485/undet!/27
4/07   507/35,000 25%            7/08 625/UD/34%
                                                 11/08 684/U/36%

Offline Life

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,388
  • Member 2005
Re: a cruel little joke
« Reply #7 on: October 08, 2006, 10:57:40 AM »
Hi Paul...

10 months is not a long time.. Give yourself time to settle in with your new roommate..  After "awhile," you will stumble upon what you thought you had lost.  You will re-engage.  Don't rush it, and when you have thoughts of "when I was -ve" know thats really not a productive way to look at oneself today...  I will catch myself doing that but not as often anymore...  There is nothing better than being "hit on" or "Cruised".   Enjoy it, your still Paul Paul!!!  And when you feel a bit better about you, push out that barrier a tad bit further... 

Luv

Offline Iggy

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,435
Re: a cruel little joke
« Reply #8 on: October 08, 2006, 11:31:00 AM »
.
« Last Edit: January 12, 2007, 08:25:56 PM by Iggy »

Offline Longislander

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,486
Re: a cruel little joke
« Reply #9 on: October 08, 2006, 03:40:21 PM »
Thanks Eric, you're right I think it is too soon, but I don't want to stop going to the monthly meet, because it's really the only time I go out of the house other than work, necessary family stuff,  and Home Depot. I just don't understand why I'm getting hit on so much now, when it never used to be like that when I was negative.

Iggy- Yes, that's the group. I can't say how many of us went there last nite, because the place became packed, but I'd say at least 25-30. There were actually two guys in the group last nite that I thought were attractive, but I never got to talk with either of them because one other guy grabbed my ear mostly all nite, (until I escaped to meet the subject guy!)

The ego boost was awesome and much needed, but it was only followed by the disappointment I felt in not being able to take it any further. Yeah, that's my issue, and Iggy I think you make a very valid point. I'm not ready for a steady bout of rejection. I need to be more secure in myself before I can do this.

The group is made up of a diverse group of men, and they're all pretty nice (the ones I have talked to anyway), and nobody really discusses the HIV aspect. They're just there to interact socially, just as everyone else in the bar is doing. Mind you, I've always been pretty shy, so I haven't talked to most of them-lol

And yes, I meant a therapist. I'm going to call my HIV doc and see if they can recommend someone nearby. The have two CSW's there, both women, and I talked to one on my initial appointment there. She mainly asked me all the questions, so it wasn't like I was able to unload. No offense to women, but I have all female doc's for everything, and I think I'd rather discuss with a sensitive male therapist. I think I've been holding back an ocean these past few months, and when that dam breaks..............
infected 10/05 diagnosed 12-05
2/06   379/57000                    6/07 372/30500 25%   4/09 640/U/32% 
5/06   ?? /37000                     8/07 491/55000/24%    9/09 913/U/39%
8/06   349/9500 25%              11/07 515/68000/24     2/10 845/U/38%
9/06   507/16,000 30% !          2/08  516/116k/22%    7/10 906/80/39%
12/06 398/29000 26%             Start Atripla 3/08
3/07   402/80,000 29%            4/08  485/undet!/27
4/07   507/35,000 25%            7/08 625/UD/34%
                                                 11/08 684/U/36%

Offline Longislander

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,486
Re: a cruel little joke
« Reply #10 on: October 08, 2006, 03:51:10 PM »
BTW, last Tuesday evening, my tenant/co-worker/friend ( in that order) called me (after I didn't answer the door). She wanted to know if everthing was allright with me. Her and a few people at work have notice that I haven't been myself the last 5 days or so.

Of course I told her everything was fine, and that it was just me being tired of being at work or something.

I guess I've done a pretty good job of keeping up a good front for the past 10 months if they've only noticed something in the past 5 days. I think this means its really important for me to see a therapist now.

And no, I can't disclose to her. Thanks to her, many more people at work know I'm gay for sure. Not that it's a bad thing, or I've had negative reactions. I just believe this will be passed on too.
infected 10/05 diagnosed 12-05
2/06   379/57000                    6/07 372/30500 25%   4/09 640/U/32% 
5/06   ?? /37000                     8/07 491/55000/24%    9/09 913/U/39%
8/06   349/9500 25%              11/07 515/68000/24     2/10 845/U/38%
9/06   507/16,000 30% !          2/08  516/116k/22%    7/10 906/80/39%
12/06 398/29000 26%             Start Atripla 3/08
3/07   402/80,000 29%            4/08  485/undet!/27
4/07   507/35,000 25%            7/08 625/UD/34%
                                                 11/08 684/U/36%

Offline Eldon

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,664
Re: a cruel little joke
« Reply #11 on: October 08, 2006, 03:59:00 PM »
Hey LongIslander,


I DO agree with Val, let go and have some fun! It will DO wonders with your stress levels and it WILL help you to relax a little.



Make the BEST of each Day!

Offline bear60

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,104
Re: a cruel little joke
« Reply #12 on: October 08, 2006, 05:03:09 PM »
the cruel little joke is if you get him in bed and its a cruel little prick
Poz Bear Type in Philadelphia

Offline Longislander

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,486
Re: a cruel little joke
« Reply #13 on: October 08, 2006, 06:47:42 PM »
lol Bear, no little prick there, trust me ;)
infected 10/05 diagnosed 12-05
2/06   379/57000                    6/07 372/30500 25%   4/09 640/U/32% 
5/06   ?? /37000                     8/07 491/55000/24%    9/09 913/U/39%
8/06   349/9500 25%              11/07 515/68000/24     2/10 845/U/38%
9/06   507/16,000 30% !          2/08  516/116k/22%    7/10 906/80/39%
12/06 398/29000 26%             Start Atripla 3/08
3/07   402/80,000 29%            4/08  485/undet!/27
4/07   507/35,000 25%            7/08 625/UD/34%
                                                 11/08 684/U/36%

Offline Cliff

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,645
Re: a cruel little joke
« Reply #14 on: October 08, 2006, 07:40:44 PM »
Thanks Eric, you're right I think it is too soon, but I don't want to stop going to the monthly meet, because it's really the only time I go out of the house other than work, necessary family stuff,  and Home Depot. I just don't understand why I'm getting hit on so much now, when it never used to be like that when I was negative.
I hope you continue to go to the meetings and I hope one day you find it easy enough to continue talking to someone that you meet.  If this is your only social outlet, then I think it is important that you use it to help you overcome some of your fears.  Therapy is great, but I'm not convinced avoiding your fears (rejection), is a healthy alternative.

I find that avoiding what I fear the most only increases my anxieties, not diminish them, nor am I, in some way better prepared to conquer them.  There is pain in rejection, but there is also pain in not taking action either.  The anxieties that caused you to start this thread is also painful and uncomfortable.  There are negative consequences to not acting.  Just as there may be negative consequences to acting.

No one enjoys rejection.  I sometimes wonder if it really gets any easier with time or experience.  It's just seems to be one of life's realities, that we just have to learn to overcome by various methods (yes therapy, sometimes), but also experience (yes, putting yourself out there, sometimes).

Happy hunting.

Cliff
« Last Edit: October 08, 2006, 07:43:03 PM by Cliff »

Offline carousel

  • Member
  • Posts: 821
Re: a cruel little joke
« Reply #15 on: October 08, 2006, 07:46:07 PM »

.
« Last Edit: February 15, 2007, 12:00:07 PM by carousel »

Offline jazij1

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    • my yahoo 360 profile page
Re: a cruel little joke
« Reply #16 on: October 09, 2006, 07:13:43 AM »
hey L I tha reason ur gettin all this attention at that meetin is cause ur new meat u forgot what bein new meat is like at a Gay bar:?  LOL!

Rejection fuckin stings it aint cute I go around actin like Im tha best thing since tivo regardless if Im HIV+ it makes people think ur betta than but  oh well it also flips tha script n makes them feel  u might reject them LOL 

On a very serious note tho seek out some close friends who know ur status n dont give a fuck cause 10 months isnt that long after finding out ur HIV+  to be thinkin bout finding mr right.
 I think its too soon  mr right now would work ;) .....u just found out some life changing news Id take some time to get to know the new HIV+ me ur gonna go through an emotional rollercoster ride find a good therapist or some good friends who have been through this already.

Kisses n hugs PEACE!
« Last Edit: October 09, 2006, 07:30:36 AM by jazij1 »
I've spent half my life tryin to get rid of my dick and the rest of my life tryin to get my hands on one!

Peace!

Jazi :-)

 


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