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Author Topic: opinions needed  (Read 1592 times)

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Offline merrilee_c

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opinions needed
« on: July 06, 2012, 07:54:41 PM »
being positive I inform anyone I have sexual contact with beforehand. My question would be other then suggesting they wear a condom is it my responsiblity to make sure they do? Not that I have had this come up very much but once was enough. I tried to reason with this person but he was certain he was not using one. I thought MY responsibility ended at informing. and maybe advising.

Offline mecch

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Re: opinions needed
« Reply #1 on: July 06, 2012, 08:07:59 PM »
I think you are certainly doing 100% of your duty to suit your own morals.

If the question is about legality, then you would want to know the laws in your locality as to unprotected sex.  There is nothing to say you HAVE informed, after the fact.  There might be places on earth where it is strictly illegal for an HIV+ person to have unprotected sex even with consent. Illogical as that may seem.

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: opinions needed
« Reply #2 on: July 06, 2012, 08:37:18 PM »
First off, welcome to the forums!

Secondly, what's your situation? How long have you been positive? Are you on meds? What are your numbers?

Is the situation you describe a relationship issue, or a one-off sex partner thing?
While I think it's admirable that you disclosed, it's also up to you to decide what to do with your body, and under what circumstances.

You get to have - and enforce - your chosen boundaries. Obviously, there's a chance, if this was a sexual trick, that your partner was positive already. If he's going bareback with multiple partners whose viral load (not to mention serostatus) is unknown, he's certainly looking to seroconvert.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline emeraldize

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Re: opinions needed
« Reply #3 on: July 06, 2012, 09:08:52 PM »
I know of a poz lawyer in TX who used to have women with whom he would be sexually involved sign a document he'd drawn up acknowledging they knew he was positive. He explained he used condoms, but his intent was to never have a woman be able to say " He never told me."

Offline merrilee_c

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need opinion please
« Reply #4 on: July 06, 2012, 10:41:32 PM »
being positive I inform anyone I have sexual contact with beforehand. My question would be other then suggesting they wear a condom is it my responsiblity to make sure they do? Not that I have had this come up very much but once was enough. I tried to reason with this person but he was certain he was not using one. I thought MY responsibility ended at informing. and maybe advising.

Offline drewm

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Re: need opinion please
« Reply #5 on: July 06, 2012, 10:48:31 PM »
Legally, it depends upon what country/state you are in:

http://www.hivdent.org/_uspublicpolicy_/USPP_SCSOHT_2005.htm
MAY 2010
VL>500,000 CD4>8

JUNE 2010 STARTED ATRIPLA

DEC 2010
VL>30 CD4>323

Atripla. Valtrex, Trilipix, Fluoxotine

Offline merrilee_c

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Re: need opinion please
« Reply #6 on: July 06, 2012, 10:58:55 PM »
looking at the site you provided I see nothing the my state (Indiana) that covers this situation with consensual sex.

Offline drewm

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Re: need opinion please
« Reply #7 on: July 06, 2012, 11:02:23 PM »
looking at the site you provided I see nothing the my state (Indiana) that covers this situation with consensual sex.

Indiana is one of the most felonious states when it comes to disclosure:

Indiana   Ind. Code
§ 35-42-1-7   Class C Felony, Class A Felony   
A person who recklessly, knowingly, or intentionally donates, sells or transfers blood, a blood component, or semen for artificial insemination that contains HIV commits ‘transferring contaminated body fluids,’ a class C felony. However, the offense is a class A felony if it results in the transmission of HIV to any person other than the defendant. These provisions do not apply to a person who, for reasons of privacy, donates blood to a blood center after the person has notified the blood center that the blood must be disposed of. Nor do the provisions apply to those that transfer HIV positive body fluids for research purposes.

Ind. Code
§ 35-42-6   Class D Felony, Class C Felony, Class A Felony   A person who knowingly or intentionally in a rude, insolent, or angry manner places (or coerces another to place) blood or another body fluid or waste on a law enforcement or corrections officer identified as such and at that moment on duty commits battery by body waste, a class D Felony. The offense is a class C felony if the person knew or recklessly failed to know that the blood, fluid or body waste was infected with HIV. The offense is a class A felony if the person knew or recklessly failed to know that the blood, fluid or body waste was infected with HIV and the offense results in the transmission of HIV.

Ind. Code
§ 35-42-2-6   Class A Misdemeanor, Class D Felony, Class B Felony   A person who knowingly or intentionally in a rude, an insolent, or an angry manner places human blood, semen, urine or fecal waste on another person commits battery by body waste, a class A misdemeanor. The offense is a class D felony if the person knew recklessly failed to know that the blood, fluid or waste was infected with HIV. It is a class B felony if the person knew or recklessly failed to know that the blood, fluid or waste was infected with HIV and the offense results in the transmission of HIV.

Ind. Code
§ 35-45-16-2   Class B Misdemeanor, Class D Felony, Class B Felony   A person who recklessly, knowingly, or intentionally places human blood, semen, urine or fecal waste in a location with the intent that another person will involuntarily touch it commits malicious mischief, a class B misdemeanor. The offense is a class D felony if the person knew or recklessly failed to know that the blood, urine, mor waste was infected with HIV. It is a class B felony if the person knew or recklessly failed to know that the waste was infected with HIV and the offense results in the transmission of HIV to the other person.

Ind. Code
§ § 35-45-16-2   Class A Misdemeanor, Class D Felony, Class B Felony   A person who recklessly, knowingly, or intentionally places human blood, fluid, or fecal waste in a location with the intent that another person will ingest it commits malicious mischief with food, a class A misdemeanor. The offense is a class D felony if the person knew or recklessly failed to know that the blood, fluid or waste was infected with HIV. The offense is a class B felony if the person knew or recklessly failed to know that the blood, fluid or waste was infected with HIV and the offense results in the transmission of HIV to the other person.

Ind. Code Ann.
§ 16-41-12-13   Class A Misdemeanor   A blood center shall perform a screening test on a donor’s blood and obtain the results before the blood is distributed for use. An employee who is responsible for conducting the screening test who knowingly or intentionally fails to do so commits a class A misdemeanor.
MAY 2010
VL>500,000 CD4>8

JUNE 2010 STARTED ATRIPLA

DEC 2010
VL>30 CD4>323

Atripla. Valtrex, Trilipix, Fluoxotine

Offline leatherman

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Re: need opinion please
« Reply #8 on: July 06, 2012, 11:03:00 PM »
welcome to the forums. :D

you already have posted this exact post in another forum.
http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=44200

under your user name (the upper left column) click on "show own posts" to find your previous posts. It's easier to keep your thoughts in one thread to get the best responses, rather than cross-posting throughout the forums (which is against forum rules)

actually, although this is probably the appropriate forum (living with) you have already gotten a few answers over in another forum (off topic). hopefully a moderator will merge this two threads for you so you can have all parts of your discussion together in one place.

leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Oh my friends, my friends forgive me
That I live and you are gone.
There's a grief that can't be spoken.
There's a pain goes on and on.
Empty chairs at empty tables
Where my friends will meet no more.

"Empty Chairs at Empty Tables" from Les Miserables

Offline merrilee_c

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Re: opinions needed
« Reply #9 on: July 07, 2012, 02:40:34 AM »
this is not about legality. This was a 3 year relationship that was ended by me. And this did not come up until I ended the relationship. The way I currently look at it is this: It's his choice what he does with his body. I informed and advised. And if it was my responsiblity to make him where a condom then is it my responsiblity to keep him away from alcohol since he has a bad liver. Both have the same end result. I guess I'm just checking to see if I should rethink my position. Since this is the first time this has ever happened. I'm undetectable and have been thru the whole relationship. cd# count good and on meds. I was diagnosed 1 year before this relationship started.

Offline red_Dragon888

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Re: opinions needed
« Reply #10 on: July 07, 2012, 07:02:19 AM »
this is not about legality. This was a 3 year relationship that was ended by me. And this did not come up until I ended the relationship. The way I currently look at it is this: It's his choice what he does with his body. I informed and advised. And if it was my responsiblity to make him where a condom then is it my responsiblity to keep him away from alcohol since he has a bad liver. Both have the same end result. I guess I'm just checking to see if I should rethink my position. Since this is the first time this has ever happened. I'm undetectable and have been thru the whole relationship. cd# count good and on meds. I was diagnosed 1 year before this relationship started.
Can you handle the stress that you may have possibly pass the HIV virus to him?  I mean it looks good on paper that you did the right thing by informing him, but to have changed someone's life totally from an action that you could have helped avoid, well, if the tables were turned... yada, yada, yada.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=I3ba3lnFHik

“Neither look forward where there is doubt nor backward where there is regret. Look inward and ask not if there is anything o

Offline red_Dragon888

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Re: opinions needed
« Reply #11 on: July 07, 2012, 07:05:34 AM »
I would not have sex with him unless we wore protection.  That way we can have sex without regret.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=I3ba3lnFHik

“Neither look forward where there is doubt nor backward where there is regret. Look inward and ask not if there is anything o

Offline emeraldize

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Re: opinions needed
« Reply #12 on: July 07, 2012, 07:32:00 AM »
this is not about legality. This was a 3 year relationship that was ended by me. And this did not come up until I ended the relationship. The way I currently look at it is this: It's his choice what he does with his body. I informed and advised. And if it was my responsiblity to make him where a condom then is it my responsiblity to keep him away from alcohol since he has a bad liver. Both have the same end result. I guess I'm just checking to see if I should rethink my position. Since this is the first time this has ever happened. I'm undetectable and have been thru the whole relationship. cd# count good and on meds. I was diagnosed 1 year before this relationship started.

Hi Merrilee,

I'm confused and it's because I don't have enough information and don't want to make assumptions. You ended the relationship after three years because he wouldn't wear a condom? because he wouldn't stop drinking with a bad liver? you note "this" topic didn't come up until now when you're ending the relationship -- what exactly came up? did he feel you should have put the condom on him? did he feel you should use female condoms? or did he expect you to take some other responsibility of his on?      or    are you asking for feedback from us about your attitude about informing a future partner?   You can't force someone to wear a condom but if that's a criteria for you then refusing sex is the option to exercise.

Em
« Last Edit: July 07, 2012, 07:35:43 AM by emeraldize »

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: opinions needed
« Reply #13 on: July 07, 2012, 08:06:50 AM »
Merrilee, I've merged your threads here as I think this particular forum is the most appropriate one. It's a rule of the site to not have the same thread posted in different forums.

I think it will get the best attention here.
Andy Velez

Offline merrilee_c

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Re: opinions needed
« Reply #14 on: July 07, 2012, 09:59:04 AM »
And I guess I should add that so far he has tested negative. I had to be at the doctors with him to even get him tested. And he didn't bother to inform me about something he had. and so far I have tested negative for that.

Offline Rockin

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Re: opinions needed
« Reply #15 on: July 07, 2012, 03:40:34 PM »
I would not have sex with him unless we wore protection.  That way we can have sex without regret.

Here here. I respect each one and their choices but IMO I think its a little nuts to allow someone negative to have unprotected sex with me.

Even if the odds of infection are around the 1%, it's still not zero.

Offline pozinHI

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Re: opinions needed
« Reply #16 on: July 08, 2012, 02:47:00 AM »
it took me a year after diag to feel normal enough to have sex.  I have had protected sex with a few different women, didnt disclose, but insisted protection.

Offline merrilee_c

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Re: opinions needed
« Reply #17 on: July 08, 2012, 10:40:36 PM »
I always ( not that I've had too very much) disclosed. The way I feel about it is I wasn't given a choice but I will always give someone else a choice. If I get rejected oh well.Thier heart wasn't in it enough for me anyhow. I don't disclose right away. As long as we are not doing anything to put them at risk I wait so they can get to know ME. Not something that is just a part of me.

Offline mecch

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Re: opinions needed
« Reply #18 on: July 08, 2012, 11:33:02 PM »
this is not about legality. This was a 3 year relationship that was ended by me. And this did not come up until I ended the relationship. The way I currently look at it is this: It's his choice what he does with his body. I informed and advised. And if it was my responsiblity to make him where a condom then is it my responsiblity to keep him away from alcohol since he has a bad liver. Both have the same end result. I guess I'm just checking to see if I should rethink my position. Since this is the first time this has ever happened. I'm undetectable and have been thru the whole relationship. cd# count good and on meds. I was diagnosed 1 year before this relationship started.

What exactly is your question....   Read drew's post about Indiana. It sounds to me like you are doing the right thing to respect others and your own morality. 
The thing you need to rethink is whether you care or not about legal risks in your location.  This is not a judgement on my part. The laws are stupid.  You are a good person.  But to just assume its "not a legal issue" because you say so or wish it so, does not make it true. Anywhere there are HIV criminalization laws, it is a legal issue.

Anyway, since that is not your concern.  What exactly do you feel you have to rethink here?
« Last Edit: July 09, 2012, 08:16:30 AM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline mecch

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Re: opinions needed
« Reply #19 on: July 08, 2012, 11:34:31 PM »
Can you handle the stress that you may have possibly pass the HIV virus to him?  I mean it looks good on paper that you did the right thing by informing him, but to have changed someone's life totally from an action that you could have helped avoid, well, if the tables were turned... yada, yada, yada.

Red, maybe you read a thread that didn't have the OPs complete info.  He She is undetectable.  Your advice about the risks of transmission may or probably may not apply all that much.
« Last Edit: July 09, 2012, 08:15:09 AM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Ann

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Re: opinions needed
« Reply #20 on: July 09, 2012, 07:05:25 AM »
Red, maybe you read a thread that didn't have the OPs complete info.  He is undetectable.  Your advice about the risks of transmission may or probably may not apply all that much.

And maybe you haven't read the OP's complete info either. She's a woman, not a man, and this is her only thread.



Merrilee, I always disclose too, but I do it upfront. It's a good way to weed out people who can't handle hiv. You'll have to do whatever you feel most comfortable with, of course according to the laws in your area. (For the record, just so you know, I am absolutely against the criminalisation of hiv.)

I feel that waiting until they've gotten to know me sets the stage for them to experience feelings of betrayal and a sense of being lied to about something serious. I hear you about them not needing to know until it comes to intercourse, but it can still lead to a sense of betrayal when you look at it from the other person's perspective.

And like I said, full disclosure before hand weeds out the idiots and prejudiced.

I too have been in a situation where the guy knew full well that I had hiv, and yet he refused to  use condoms. He also remained hiv negative like your guy. It was only the once (shit happens) but I'm not sure I'd want to go there again unless it was in the context of a committed relationship and I had an UD VL. (I am to date treatment naive.)

I've also been in a situation where I'd been having unprotected with a negative guy for a year and a half - before I got my diagnosis. He also remained hiv negative and we stayed together for another six and a half years after my diagnosis. He's hiv negative to this day. We always used condoms after my dx, but not before.

There are no black and white, one size fits all answers to this dilemma. At the end of the day, I believe that it is each person's responsibility to protect their own health and if they've been given all the relevant information before hand and still choose to not use protection, it's on them, not me. But that's only my answer to the question. Others have different answers which are (usually) just as valid.
« Last Edit: July 09, 2012, 07:07:17 AM by Ann »
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Offline mecch

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Re: opinions needed
« Reply #21 on: July 09, 2012, 08:15:49 AM »
And maybe you haven't read the OP's complete info either. She's a woman, not a man, and this is her only thread.
Oops. Sorry OP! Thanks Ann.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

 


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