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Author Topic: My mother just found out  (Read 8021 times)

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Offline buginme2

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Re: My mother just found out
« Reply #50 on: July 05, 2012, 06:01:00 PM »
Some people here decided to only go for other poz for a relationship...well, its hard enough already and now Im gonna have to resort myself to a very limited group of individuals?

 I wonder what kind of individual would accept a situation like this? Dating a poz guy? Maybe someone extremely needy? Someone with low self-esteem that would rather be with a poz guy than be alone? Sometimes I find it hard to believe that an attractive, confident, smart and nice guy would actually accept this situation, even with someone who's UND and healthy like I am now.



I am HIV+

My partner is HIV- and he is attractive, confident, smart, and a nice guy.  HIV is probably the least item we worry about. 

Whoever tells you that you must limit who you date or that no one will want to date you because you are HIV positive is just wrong.  There are plenty of serodiscordant couples out there. 


Offline jkinatl2

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Re: My mother just found out
« Reply #51 on: July 05, 2012, 06:39:02 PM »
Its like saying that that movie "50/50" should have never been made because it might offend cancer survivors or people who lost someone to cancer.

Well, no. It's like going into a discussion group regarding the film and lambasting everyone for laughing, because to YOU there is no humor in cancer.

To ME, HIV is no big deal at the moment. I take my meds, my VL is UD, my energy level has allowed me to do athletic stuff as well as take care of ill friends and family. But I respect the virus enough to know that I need to cherish - and take full advantage of the good times I am experiencing. Because my health will likely always be precarious.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline drewm

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Re: My mother just found out
« Reply #52 on: July 05, 2012, 06:55:29 PM »
To ME, HIV is no big deal at the moment. I take my meds, my VL is UD, my energy level has allowed me to do athletic stuff as well as take care of ill friends and family. But I respect the virus enough to know that I need to cherish - and take full advantage of the good times I am experiencing. Because my health will likely always be precarious.

Excellent statement! This says a lot about where I am. Healthy at the moment, decent numbers, at the moment HIV is not the first and foremost thing on my mind. I am keenly aware that not everyone is in the same place. Some are better and some are struggling. It's important as we try to wrap our brains around this disease we consider all of this and the perceptions of the newly diagnosed/infected. It is equally important that those newly diagnosed/infected read these forums because you will find everything here.
Diagnosed in  May of 2010 with teh AIDS.

PCP Pneumonia . CD4 8 . VL 500,000

ATRIPLA - VALTREX -  FLUOXETINE - FENOFIBRATE


Numbers consistent since 12/2010 - VL has remained undetectable and CD4 is anywhere from 275-325

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: My mother just found out
« Reply #53 on: July 05, 2012, 07:04:30 PM »
Excellent statement! This says a lot about where I am. Healthy at the moment, decent numbers, at the moment HIV is not the first and foremost thing on my mind. I am keenly aware that not everyone is in the same place. Some are better and some are struggling. It's important as we try to wrap our brains around this disease we consider all of this and the perceptions of the newly diagnosed/infected. It is equally important that those newly diagnosed/infected read these forums because you will find everything here.

Well that was one of the main thrusts behind the LTS section. Both to spare newbies from having to wade through horror stories that were largely inapplicable to them, and to give the LTS folks a place to talk about stuff without being shot down or dismissed.

Sometimes in this forum I feel like Kirk having Chancellor Gorkon and his officers over for dinner.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline drewm

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Re: My mother just found out
« Reply #54 on: July 05, 2012, 07:12:36 PM »
Well that was one of the main thrusts behind the LTS section. Both to spare newbies from having to wade through horror stories that were largely inapplicable to them, and to give the LTS folks a place to talk about stuff without being shot down or dismissed.

Sometimes in this forum I feel like Kirk having Chancellor Gorkon and his officers over for dinner.

I am beginning to read the LTS forum as I become more comfortable in my desire to learn more about...LTS  ;) When I first came on the scene here at Poz Forums, guns ablazin, I made some folks mad with my outlook and perceptions regarding this disease. The feeling and emotions were very real. As I look at some of the OP's posts, I see a lot of myself. In time, I hope the OP comes to realize this disease comes with considerable baggage as all of us deal with it and struggle in our own ways. Sharing opinions is fine but I hope he is listening and taking into consideration what everyone is trying to say. Changing diapers is not fun but it is so important here...for everyone.
Diagnosed in  May of 2010 with teh AIDS.

PCP Pneumonia . CD4 8 . VL 500,000

ATRIPLA - VALTREX -  FLUOXETINE - FENOFIBRATE


Numbers consistent since 12/2010 - VL has remained undetectable and CD4 is anywhere from 275-325

Offline Pilot

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Re: My mother just found out
« Reply #55 on: July 05, 2012, 10:04:00 PM »
My mother died before I became poz.  But I know that someone outed me to her as being gay and my sister had a lot to do with that.  They would get into fights and my sister would bring it up even though she had no proof.  I always kept my life private.

My suspicions were confirmed as she went years without calling unless it was about a death that she thought I should know .  They bought a new house and moved and only after she died did I ever find out where they moved.  I mentioned that I had heard about the new house but had no clue where she was living.  The phone would go quiet and she would change the subject.

I did not get mad or sad or have any feelings about it.  I simply decided well it is what it is and not going to be a problem.

The sister who caused the problem, acts as if she knows nothing and only mentioned it once trying to get me to admit I am gay.  I will go to my grave and never admit that to her.
She has done everything from going through my house when she visited and I was at work and at one point I did have a roommate and she had the nerve to tell him she knew he was sleeping with me.  He told me and then moved out.  She still does not think she has done anything wrong.

I am glad that so many have had good experiences with relatives in dealing with HIV and the great support they have been given.  I guess I just drew a bad hand and wound up with the original dysfunctional family.  lol

Offline Rockin

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Re: My mother just found out
« Reply #56 on: July 06, 2012, 11:18:30 AM »
I am beginning to read the LTS forum as I become more comfortable in my desire to learn more about...LTS  ;) When I first came on the scene here at Poz Forums, guns ablazin, I made some folks mad with my outlook and perceptions regarding this disease. The feeling and emotions were very real. As I look at some of the OP's posts, I see a lot of myself. In time, I hope the OP comes to realize this disease comes with considerable baggage as all of us deal with it and struggle in our own ways. Sharing opinions is fine but I hope he is listening and taking into consideration what everyone is trying to say. Changing diapers is not fun but it is so important here...for everyone.

As I said before, its very hard to state your opinion these days without offending someone.

I had pneumonia last year. I had a burning fever, I got skinnier...all that jazz. So its pretty safe to say that yes, I could have died. Especially because I got it TWICE in the span of 6 months.

And I still have a completely positive outlook on this. Hell we can even have children now, right?? Was that possible back in the 80's??

I just feel that we are not the only ones who go through hard times in life, regarding health or rejection. Everyone goes through it. I bet that some of us are healthier and happier than a lot of people who are HIV neg.

So I do feel, from reading some posts on this forum, that some poz people feed their own stigma about this and that affects me, in some way.

For instance: I heard about this guy...he was, I dont know, 24...found he was poz...and kept crying all the time about it. Couldnt deal, couldnt cope, couldnt leave his bed.

Now, I understand his feelings. Completely. Especially because I feel that getting infected when you are young is much harder than later in life.

But I also have to protect my own mental health. If you have cancer and you are being positive and brave about it...and then you meet someone who has a completely different outlook and is sad, depressive and miserable altogether...

Won't this affect your own mental health? Maybe thats what Im trying to do. I want to be positive and spread positivity and confidence and I want to create a "wall" protecting myself from any negative thoughts.

I want to say "Fuck this shit, my life is great. My life can be great. My life WILL be great".

But again...I cant help if I offend someone sometimes. Thats life. I do have the utmost respect for people who had some harsh times and lost loved ones to this. Truly.

Offline Rockin

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Re: My mother just found out
« Reply #57 on: July 06, 2012, 11:25:03 AM »
My mother died before I became poz.  But I know that someone outed me to her as being gay and my sister had a lot to do with that.  They would get into fights and my sister would bring it up even though she had no proof.  I always kept my life private.

My suspicions were confirmed as she went years without calling unless it was about a death that she thought I should know .  They bought a new house and moved and only after she died did I ever find out where they moved.  I mentioned that I had heard about the new house but had no clue where she was living.  The phone would go quiet and she would change the subject.

I did not get mad or sad or have any feelings about it.  I simply decided well it is what it is and not going to be a problem.

The sister who caused the problem, acts as if she knows nothing and only mentioned it once trying to get me to admit I am gay.  I will go to my grave and never admit that to her.
She has done everything from going through my house when she visited and I was at work and at one point I did have a roommate and she had the nerve to tell him she knew he was sleeping with me.  He told me and then moved out.  She still does not think she has done anything wrong.

I am glad that so many have had good experiences with relatives in dealing with HIV and the great support they have been given.  I guess I just drew a bad hand and wound up with the original dysfunctional family.  lol

Oh Pilot my family is pretty dysfunctional as well. Youre not alone. I also have a brother who is a complete asshole about these things. And my mother went mad when she found out I was gay, ages ago. But time heals everything and we do have a very special bond and I know she loves me more than life itself.

Its all very recent and I have mixed feelings about it. As people can attest by now, my mother knowing made the whole thing very real to me and deeply affected my own mental health.

Last week I wasn't thinking about HIV at all. This week my mind is all over the place.

I still feel that this information that she gained is worthless to her. If I get sick theres nothing she can do about it except be miserable. And Im not the kind of person who enjoys crying on someone else's shoulder. I like to be tough.

So yeah, Im glad she accepted it as well as possible. But if I could turn back time I would have been more careful regarding my prescriptions and medicine. This was not the proper time for this.
« Last Edit: July 06, 2012, 11:28:25 AM by Rockin »

Offline Rockin

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Re: My mother just found out
« Reply #58 on: July 06, 2012, 11:26:58 AM »
I am HIV+

My partner is HIV- and he is attractive, confident, smart, and a nice guy.  HIV is probably the least item we worry about. 

Whoever tells you that you must limit who you date or that no one will want to date you because you are HIV positive is just wrong.  There are plenty of serodiscordant couples out there.

Thanks for sharing this bug. Could you tell more about it pretty please? How was it at first? Was it always easy for him or did he get a little paranoid when you disclosed to him?

Offline Rockin

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Re: My mother just found out
« Reply #59 on: July 12, 2012, 02:18:58 AM »
So...great week. Today my father came over (he lives in a city 2 hours away from mine) to talk about my trip to London. But what he really wanted to talk about was something else.

And no, he didn't talk to my mother. All just a fuckin coincidence. I got pneumonia last year so he was already suspicious because of that. And then...we share a private health plan together and he could read from some mail the health plan sent him that I was, let`s say, using it a lot. So he started to put the pieces of the puzzle together and finally decided to come over and have a little chat. I almost felt sorry for him, he didn't know where to begin and he almost cried but I didn't let him. At least we were able to have a nice conversation, with no drama.

It took me days to forget about the chat with my mother and now I was forced to do the same routine all over again with him.

And, cherry on the top, when my mother was crying last week and talking to her doctor on the phone about it, my brother heard the conversation. And he asked her about it and she had to tell. And my brother is a moron.

So...30 minutes ago...he got home a little drunk...knocked on my door...I was almost asleep...so he said he had something to tell me...and said he was "there for me" and how proud he was of me and hugged me and kissed me...and cried...

Trust me...sounds nice but it wasn't. He did some awful things to me in the past and he's a lousy son, a lousy brother and a lousy father to my niece. 

And after this last conversation, after hugs and kisses from drunk brother, I feel like shit now.

I know it may seem strange to some that I got this support and love from my family and I'm feeling miserable about it. But, from now on, they will always look at me with pity in their eyes. They will be constantly concerned about my health, my eating habits and etc and etc and etc.

They will always consider me a sick person. "Oooh he's so brave". Fuck this.

I know, Im sounding like an angry teenager. But I hate pity. No matter how great I look...no matter how great I sound or how immaculate my blood tests might be...I will always be a sick person. A sick man.

I might look back on this with a different perspective. But, as of today, I am hating my life and hating myself. Want to be able to run somewhere where no one knows about my status and I can start living a normal life again, me and my secret. I can't deal with this burst of compassion, I want to be treated like every other person out there. Im not sick, Im not dying, far from it. Fucking stigma man, fucking doctors, fucking media, fucking stigma.   

To all of you who disclose your status on purpose to your family and close friends...you are the bravest people out there. Im not being able to handle it. I feel like breaking my entire room.

Offline leatherman

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Re: My mother just found out
« Reply #60 on: July 12, 2012, 03:00:29 AM »
I know it may seem strange to some that I got this support and love from my family and I'm feeling miserable about it. But, from now on, they will always look at me with pity in their eyes. They will be constantly concerned about my health, my eating habits and etc and etc and etc.
just like you had to get used to the idea of being poz, so they have to get used to the idea. ;) Give them a month and when you don't drop over dead from teh aids, they'll go back to being their normal selves - your worrying mom, moron brother, and distant father.  ;)  :D

Then in two months you can come back here and vent about how nobody seems to care that you're poz and you're not getting enough special treatment. LOL LOL ;D
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline spacebarsux

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Re: My mother just found out
« Reply #61 on: July 12, 2012, 03:16:05 AM »

They will always consider me a sick person. "Oooh he's so brave". Fuck this.

I know, Im sounding like an angry teenager. But I hate pity. No matter how great I look...no matter how great I sound or how immaculate my blood tests might be...I will always be a sick person. A sick man.

I might look back on this with a different perspective. But, as of today, I am hating my life and hating myself. Want to be able to run somewhere where no one knows about my status and I can start living a normal life again, me and my secret. I can't deal with this burst of compassion, I want to be treated like every other person out there. Im not sick, Im not dying, far from it. Fucking stigma man, fucking doctors, fucking media, fucking stigma.   

To all of you who disclose your status on purpose to your family and close friends...you are the bravest people out there. Im not being able to handle it. I feel like breaking my entire room.

Most of this is you projecting and not what others may be actually thinking. I mean, what else was your brother supposed to say? It’s more than likely that you would’ve felt terrible no matter what his reaction was.

When you keep a big secret you’ve to accept the possibility of it bubbling to the surface. Sooner or later. We all find our own ways of dealing with these issues, I guess.

By reading your posts though, it seems that most of your present emotional problems emanate from mental demons you’ve yourself created. I too have this tendency. From similar personal experience I can say that the only solution is to deconstruct them, and then find a way of minimizing the chances of their rebirth.

Why create dark neural tunnels when you know that eventually you’d need to dismantle them?
 
Talking to a therapist is something I recommend (if you haven’t already done so). It helped me through some dark periods post diagnosis.

Also, give it time. Your family will get used to this new facet of your life despite whatever you feel today. And it will happen pretty soon.

Best
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline Rockin

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Re: My mother just found out
« Reply #62 on: July 12, 2012, 11:31:17 AM »
Most of this is you projecting and not what others may be actually thinking. I mean, what else was your brother supposed to say? It’s more than likely that you would’ve felt terrible no matter what his reaction was.

When you keep a big secret you’ve to accept the possibility of it bubbling to the surface. Sooner or later. We all find our own ways of dealing with these issues, I guess.

By reading your posts though, it seems that most of your present emotional problems emanate from mental demons you’ve yourself created. I too have this tendency. From similar personal experience I can say that the only solution is to deconstruct them, and then find a way of minimizing the chances of their rebirth.

Why create dark neural tunnels when you know that eventually you’d need to dismantle them?
 
Talking to a therapist is something I recommend (if you haven’t already done so). It helped me through some dark periods post diagnosis.

Also, give it time. Your family will get used to this new facet of your life despite whatever you feel today. And it will happen pretty soon.

Best

Hi space. Im not sure its a matter of personal demons getting in the way and I have done therapy for a few years prior to becoming poz so Im usually pretty self-conscious about how I behave.

We all have our own personal way to deal with the situation. Some people live in denial, some people wallow in self-pity and feel depressed all the time, some people become germophobes...

In my case I want to live my life as normal as possible and that includes not having to suffer pity stares from others, including my family. I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me, period. Save the pity for when Im dying in bed, whenever that happens. Thats my way of coping with this and it became increasingly harder for me since we started talking about it.

Im just afraid that, no matter how I look or what I say on this matter, theyll always look at me as a sick man.
« Last Edit: July 12, 2012, 11:34:08 AM by Rockin »

Offline Rockin

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Re: My mother just found out
« Reply #63 on: July 12, 2012, 11:33:00 AM »
just like you had to get used to the idea of being poz, so they have to get used to the idea. ;) Give them a month and when you don't drop over dead from teh aids, they'll go back to being their normal selves - your worrying mom, moron brother, and distant father.  ;)  :D

Then in two months you can come back here and vent about how nobody seems to care that you're poz and you're not getting enough special treatment. LOL LOL ;D

Lol thanks leather. I just hate drama, you know? Even when I was suffering my own personal hell because of the pneumonia last year I didn't want drama. I try to live my life as stress-free as possible and that includes HIV.

You may be right, maybe it just takes time. This sucks though. Hard.

Offline Ann

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Re: My mother just found out
« Reply #64 on: July 12, 2012, 11:38:59 AM »
Rockin, don't worry. Your family will stop looking at you "with pity in their eyes" just as soon as they realise you're still the same pain in the ass you always were.  ;D  ;)
Condoms are a girl's best friend

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline Rockin

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Re: My mother just found out
« Reply #65 on: July 12, 2012, 11:42:29 AM »
Rockin, don't worry. Your family will stop looking at you "with pity in their eyes" just as soon as they realise you're still the same pain in the ass you always were.  ;D  ;)

Haha hope so Ann, hope so. I was in a real bad place last night, couldnt sleep at all. I am feeling a little better today.

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: My mother just found out
« Reply #66 on: July 12, 2012, 01:52:37 PM »
Haha hope so Ann, hope so. I was in a real bad place last night, couldnt sleep at all. I am feeling a little better today.

God, I hope they don't watch you when you sleep. I catch mom doing that sometimes when I am visiting her at the family home. Never fails to freak me out. I've taken to locking the bedroom door, because A) I saw Paranormal Activity and B) my morning wood is private.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline spacebarsux

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Re: My mother just found out
« Reply #67 on: July 12, 2012, 02:23:37 PM »
Im just afraid that, no matter how I look or what I say on this matter, theyll always look at me as a sick man.

This is what I meant when I said it may be you projecting. Have you considered that your thoughts might be colouring their perception of you. They might not be thinking at all what you think they are.

What Ann and leahterman said is true, in time things will revert to the way they always were. And you'll wish you were bestowed compassion (not pity).  ;)
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: My mother just found out
« Reply #68 on: July 12, 2012, 04:21:06 PM »
This is what I meant when I said it may be you projecting. Have you considered that your thoughts might be colouring their perception of you. They might not be thinking at all what you think they are.

What Ann and leahterman said is true, in time things will revert to the way they always were. And you'll wish you were bestowed compassion (not pity).  ;)

Also, it's exhausting looking at someone as a sick man for years and years on end.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline Rockin

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Re: My mother just found out
« Reply #69 on: July 12, 2012, 04:59:48 PM »
Yeah well the thing with my brother was a complete nightmare, its what kept me from sleeping.

He was like "I tell everyone how Im proud of you" and "I'm here for you".

Funny because: a) why wouldn't he feel proud of me? I have never done anything wrong to him and Im a great son to my parents, as best as possible. Guess he meant because of the fact that Im gay.

b) Hes here for me last night while drunk but when I was suffering from pneumonia I did not hear any of that.
« Last Edit: July 12, 2012, 05:02:46 PM by Rockin »

Offline littleprince

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Re: My mother just found out
« Reply #70 on: July 13, 2012, 11:04:53 PM »
Rockin,

I think that you have to take a step back and realize just how amazing your family is. They've all given you open and unconditional love and you've found a negative in it. This is what family is man, people who gather around and nurture and protect you without question.

If you want to make your family less concerned I'd recommend helping them learn about HIV. Mine found it useful to read this book.

http://www.amazon.com/Living-HIV-A-Patients-Guide/dp/0786439211/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1342234787&sr=8-1&keywords=living+with+hiv

 


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