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Author Topic: Woke up at 3am almost in tears..  (Read 3546 times)

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Offline Ac75088

  • Member
  • Posts: 228
Woke up at 3am almost in tears..
« on: June 28, 2012, 09:04:31 PM »
Had this horrible horrible dream that I was on my death bed surrounded by family and friends, and all the while none of them knew the truth as to why I was so sick and dying..But I knew why..These dream seemed so freakin real when it was happening, I still remember what they were all saying around me and crying and consoling each other..I woke up in my own bed back in reality, just utterly disgusted in myself that I still haven't come out of the closet with the people I love most in life..can't believe I'm still so afraid of their response that I continue to keep this to myself after 4 years.
01-12-08 Tested poz cd4 700 vl 8,000
04-25-11 Lowest cd4 count of 415 vl high at 250,000
05-03-11 Started Atripla
05-16-11 Hospitalized and treated for 2 weeks (neurosyphilis)
07-05-11 CD4 count 585 VL 550
10-04-11 CD4 count 700 VL 75
02-03-12 CD4 count 799 VL UD
08-08-12 CD4 count 838 VL UD

Offline Ac75088

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  • Posts: 228
Re: Woke up at 3am almost in tears..
« Reply #1 on: June 28, 2012, 09:12:18 PM »
I really don't mean to be a drama queen or anything, I just needed someplace to vent this.
01-12-08 Tested poz cd4 700 vl 8,000
04-25-11 Lowest cd4 count of 415 vl high at 250,000
05-03-11 Started Atripla
05-16-11 Hospitalized and treated for 2 weeks (neurosyphilis)
07-05-11 CD4 count 585 VL 550
10-04-11 CD4 count 700 VL 75
02-03-12 CD4 count 799 VL UD
08-08-12 CD4 count 838 VL UD

Offline gadawg1979

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  • Posts: 142
Re: Woke up at 3am almost in tears..
« Reply #2 on: June 28, 2012, 09:29:34 PM »
I feel you on this one I still have not crossed that bridge and not sure when or how I will....
Diagnosed March 2012
Initial CD4- 156 VL 200K (started Complera) Genotype test no resistance
First labs on meds CD4- 246 VL 2K Taken after 30 days on Complera
90 Day labs VL 306 No CD4 Drawn
8/21/2012 CD4 474 VL Undetectable (40) %20.6
11/27/2012 CD 4 522 VL Undetectable (40)
2/14/2013 CD 4 464 VL Undetecable (30) 19.6%
6/8/3013 CD 4 528 VL Undetectable (30)
9/24/2013 CD 4 546 VL Undetectable (40)
1/30/2014 CD4 560 VL Undetectable (40) 22 %
6/19/2014 CD4 584 Vl Undetecable (30)

Offline Ac75088

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  • Posts: 228
Re: Woke up at 3am almost in tears..
« Reply #3 on: June 28, 2012, 09:34:19 PM »
I can be completely fine during the day, but once I lay my head down and start to relax at night, occasionally guilt starts to set in and I hate it. I know this can't go on the rest of my life, but I just wish I had the courage to sit everyone down and just spit it out..
01-12-08 Tested poz cd4 700 vl 8,000
04-25-11 Lowest cd4 count of 415 vl high at 250,000
05-03-11 Started Atripla
05-16-11 Hospitalized and treated for 2 weeks (neurosyphilis)
07-05-11 CD4 count 585 VL 550
10-04-11 CD4 count 700 VL 75
02-03-12 CD4 count 799 VL UD
08-08-12 CD4 count 838 VL UD

Offline karry

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Re: Woke up at 3am almost in tears..
« Reply #4 on: June 28, 2012, 10:08:29 PM »
Hi AC,
You dont need to feel guilty for not being ready to tell your close ones what you are going through. Dont beat yourself.
I strongly believe that disclosure should be done only when you are ready for it.....maybe the dreams are your subconscious preparing you for that move.

Hope you feel better soon.
Best of luck!
K
Take it a day at a time....and be positive about it too!

Offline Joe K

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  • 31 Years Poz
Re: Woke up at 3am almost in tears..
« Reply #5 on: June 28, 2012, 11:20:19 PM »
I can be completely fine during the day, but once I lay my head down and start to relax at night, occasionally guilt starts to set in and I hate it. I know this can't go on the rest of my life, but I just wish I had the courage to sit everyone down and just spit it out..

Instead of sitting everyone down, why don't you start with just one person?  It seems that you have convinced yourself that this is insurmountable and if you believe it to be, it probably will forever be so.  Maybe, if you picked one very special person to tell, they could help you to tell others.  I'm not trying to minimize what you are going through, but at some point, you need to do this and until you do, your nightmares will continue.

I don't know you or your family, but being a parent myself, I cannot imagine every turning from my child, because they became poz.  It feels like you are stacking the deck, against yourself, by viewing your disclosure as an all or nothing event.  The thing about disclosure is you get to decide on how it happens, in your own time and in your own way.  It seems that parts of you are sick of waiting and living a lie is incredibly hard and painful.  I know, I was closeted about both my sexuality and being poz.

But once I came out, it wasn't anything like I thought it would be.  It wasn't as hard as I thought and people reacted fairly well to the news.  My point is, had I waited until I felt that everyone was "ready" to hear my news, I would most like still be closeted.

Listen to your heart, it wants and needs to share this news with those you care about.  Pick one person and let them help you to do, what you eventually will have to do.

Joe

Offline emeraldize

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Re: Woke up at 3am almost in tears..
« Reply #6 on: June 29, 2012, 09:07:49 AM »
I agree with Karry that your subconscious is practicing.

I'll not forget my mom saying so calmly, so lovingly " Why did you wait so long to tell me?"  And, a lifelong friend who said the same.

It's quite a rock to carry and you'll know when it's time to set it down.

Offline Billy B

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  • Posts: 374
Re: Woke up at 3am almost in tears..
« Reply #7 on: June 29, 2012, 10:23:33 AM »
I really don't mean to be a drama queen or anything, I just needed someplace to vent this.

Those Atripla dreams must be some kind of hell. I am sorry that you had one that was so disturbing.
I belong to the LTS Club and I have never told anyone about being +. I live in a small city and still work full time so I can't afford for my secret to get out. When I retire in two years I am then going to reveal this to the ones I care about.
My sister had cancer and we all rallied around her had thankfully she recovered. If I had the big C I would have no problem with telling people but the big A is still to taboo for me to discuss.
Peace,
Billy
VL 4420 CD4 340 CD4% 24   3/15/10 Started I&T
VL  UD   CD4 340 CD4% 26.5 05/13/10
VL  UD   CD4 360 CD4% 27.1 08/3/10
VL  UD   CD4 310 CD4% 28.4 11/22/10
VL  UD   CD4 420 CD4% 27.9 02/11/11
VL  UD   CD4 370 CD4% 26.4 06/08/11
VL  UD   CD4 360 CD4% 27.7 09/23/11
VL  UD   CD4 370 CD4% 28.3 01/20/12
VL  UD   CD4 430 CD4% 28.8 05/11/12
VL  UD   CD4 370 CD4% 28.1 09/07/12
VL  UD   CD4 390 CD4% 32.3 03/14/13

Offline Gomenasai

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  • Posts: 9
Re: Woke up at 3am almost in tears..
« Reply #8 on: June 30, 2012, 04:25:47 PM »
I dont know if you are with medication, but some of them causes those nightmares as a side effect.

My story about it is quite different. I knew all the time i liked boys, but i didnt consider it turned me into "a gay person". It was just me. I never tried to be someone i wasnt. I sort of had a girlfriend, i never saw her as one, but we behave in my pre-teens days as a boyfriend and a girlfriend.

When i began to play with my sexuality, i never faced someone with "I am gay". I just began to receive visits from guys at home, i receivd only calls from guys, etc, etc. Everyone knows i am gay and i never cared for them to know.

With my poz status, it is a little bit different. They already know/suspect, but i am never going to face them cause it is not their business.


I know that you need someone to talk and support for those bad days, but i visit groups of people living with HIV and i deal those issues with them.

Offline eric48

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Re: Woke up at 3am almost in tears..
« Reply #9 on: June 30, 2012, 04:59:33 PM »
Woke up at 3am almost in tears..

been there, done that... (more than just a few times)

Sympathize

Cheer up

eRIC
NVP/ABC/3TC/... UD; CD4 > 1000; CD4/CD8 ~ 2.0   safety stock : 2 months

Offline newt

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Re: Woke up at 3am almost in tears..
« Reply #10 on: June 30, 2012, 09:11:05 PM »
To be completely non psychodynamic about it, perhaps get off the Atripla (well, the efavirenz ithis contains) before you do anything else?

- matt
"The object is to be a well patient, not a good patient"

Offline Ac75088

  • Member
  • Posts: 228
Re: Woke up at 3am almost in tears..
« Reply #11 on: July 01, 2012, 12:39:34 AM »
Thanks everyone for your responses..Gets me to thinking about alot..I don't think it's my meds causing this, since it doesn't really get to me ALL the time..I've gotten into several hobbies lately to help get my mind of things and they seem to help put my mind at ease..It's just at certain times, I'll wake up and I'm just in a rut..Reading everyone's responses here really made me feel a little better..It's good to know I'm not completely alone with this.
01-12-08 Tested poz cd4 700 vl 8,000
04-25-11 Lowest cd4 count of 415 vl high at 250,000
05-03-11 Started Atripla
05-16-11 Hospitalized and treated for 2 weeks (neurosyphilis)
07-05-11 CD4 count 585 VL 550
10-04-11 CD4 count 700 VL 75
02-03-12 CD4 count 799 VL UD
08-08-12 CD4 count 838 VL UD

Offline LiveWithIt

  • Member
  • Posts: 388
Re: Woke up at 3am almost in tears..
« Reply #12 on: July 01, 2012, 01:42:31 AM »
Had this horrible horrible dream that I was on my death bed surrounded by family and friends, and all the while none of them knew the truth as to why I was so sick and dying..But I knew why..These dream seemed so freakin real when it was happening, I still remember what they were all saying around me and crying and consoling each other..I woke up in my own bed back in reality, just utterly disgusted in myself that I still haven't come out of the closet with the people I love most in life..can't believe I'm still so afraid of their response that I continue to keep this to myself after 4 years.

You will be fine.  It's just a nightmare.  I don't feel the need to tell my family.  I don't like to tell them bad news in general so they don' t worry, I certainly don't want to disclose that I have HIV.  If the point comes when they find out if I get really sick, so be it,  I will deal with it when and if it happens.   I was in a group where some people feel you should disclose while others don't.   One of the guys that was adamant that he didn't understand why people wouldn't tell a supportive family finally understood when I explained my reason.
Pray God you can cope
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.

Offline LoboDog

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  • Posts: 78
Re: Woke up at 3am almost in tears..
« Reply #13 on: July 01, 2012, 10:27:52 AM »
Those Atripla dreams must be some kind of hell. I am sorry that you had one that was so disturbing.


Off topic... Sorry...  I always enjoyed the Atripla dreams. They have always been reassuring. The best was when Freddy Mercury came to me and told me that everything was going to be alright.

When I was first diagnosed, it was being awake that sucked. I kept on dwelling on it and couldn't get it out of my mind.

Online Miss Philicia

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  • celebrity poster, faker & poser
Re: Woke up at 3am almost in tears..
« Reply #14 on: July 01, 2012, 10:47:24 AM »
For the record, I've had dreams like this in the absence of efavirenz/sustiva. In fact I had one last week. Mine correlate always with a period of unusually high stress.
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline denb45

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  • "1987 Classic Old School POZ+"
Re: Woke up at 3am almost in tears..
« Reply #15 on: July 01, 2012, 10:59:51 AM »
I have high-stress dreams and sweat like a pig @ night ,I can hear guns-poping off, helicopters flying overhead, and the ABQ- Police telling people to "get-on-the ground" but, it's not a dream it's really happening right outside my bedroom window......gee you think maybe I need to move  :-[
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline Ac75088

  • Member
  • Posts: 228
Re: Woke up at 3am almost in tears..
« Reply #16 on: July 01, 2012, 04:41:23 PM »
I used to live in ABQ so I know what u mean lol
01-12-08 Tested poz cd4 700 vl 8,000
04-25-11 Lowest cd4 count of 415 vl high at 250,000
05-03-11 Started Atripla
05-16-11 Hospitalized and treated for 2 weeks (neurosyphilis)
07-05-11 CD4 count 585 VL 550
10-04-11 CD4 count 700 VL 75
02-03-12 CD4 count 799 VL UD
08-08-12 CD4 count 838 VL UD

Offline mikeyb39

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Re: Woke up at 3am almost in tears..
« Reply #17 on: July 01, 2012, 10:40:18 PM »
I understand the feeling AC.  i've haven't been able to tell my folks, i have told some, but not any of my family.   I don't know if I will ever get to that point.  Its not easy to live with.  Coming out HIV poz will also mean I will have to come out of the closet to my folks, which i haven't done.  I'm not sure they could hand either to be honest.
11/02/2010  cd4-251, vl-591000
12/09/2010  started Atripla
02/18/2011  cd4-425, vl-800
06/10/2011  cd4-447, vl-70
10/10/2011  cd4-666, vl-80
01/05/2012  swiched med (prezista,norvir ,isentress, )
02/10/2012  cd4-733, vl-UD  Viread removed
06/10/2012  cd4-614, vl-UD
12/14/2012  cd4-764, vl-UD
09/01/2013  cd4-785, vl-UD
03/06/2014. cd4- 1078, VL-UD

Offline denb45

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  • "1987 Classic Old School POZ+"
Re: Woke up at 3am almost in tears..
« Reply #18 on: July 02, 2012, 07:56:42 AM »
I used to live in ABQ so I know what u mean lol

lol... tell me about it, I somehow must of DIE and i just don't know it yet, maybe that's why ABQ feels like I've been living in FUCKING Purgatory.......
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline Buckmark

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Re: Woke up at 3am almost in tears..
« Reply #19 on: July 02, 2012, 09:51:46 AM »
I understand the feeling AC.  i've haven't been able to tell my folks, i have told some, but not any of my family.   I don't know if I will ever get to that point.  Its not easy to live with.  Coming out HIV poz will also mean I will have to come out of the closet to my folks, which i haven't done.  I'm not sure they could hand either to be honest.

I love how some people (like you, Mikeybear) still think that if you have HIV then you must be gay -- very 1980s.

Don't you think your parents suspect you are gay, since you are over 40 and presumably aren't married and don't date women?   And although you don't think they could handle the news, remember that the bigger deal you make of it, the bigger deal they will make of it. 

"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:
     One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.
     The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love."
- Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

Offline Ac75088

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  • Posts: 228
Re: Woke up at 3am almost in tears..
« Reply #20 on: July 06, 2012, 01:30:46 AM »
Yesterday at the family's 4th of July barbecue, the topic of HIV came up with my uncle and he was talkin about a coworker he remembers from back in the early 90's that died from AIDS. Everybody around me started talkin about how horrible it would be to have such a disease and how they are so glad they don't have to deal with it, and how people with HIV are "nasty". All the while someone secretly living with the virus is in the family and sitting right next to them..It was on the tip of my tongue, and I had a few drinks, so I wanted to stand up and defend myself, and yell and shout, but I couldn't..I just sat there and pretended I wasn't bothered.
01-12-08 Tested poz cd4 700 vl 8,000
04-25-11 Lowest cd4 count of 415 vl high at 250,000
05-03-11 Started Atripla
05-16-11 Hospitalized and treated for 2 weeks (neurosyphilis)
07-05-11 CD4 count 585 VL 550
10-04-11 CD4 count 700 VL 75
02-03-12 CD4 count 799 VL UD
08-08-12 CD4 count 838 VL UD

Offline pozinHI

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Re: Woke up at 3am almost in tears..
« Reply #21 on: July 08, 2012, 02:54:22 AM »

My sister had cancer and we all rallied around her had thankfully she recovered. If I had the big C I would have no problem with telling people but the big A is still to taboo for me to discuss.
Peace,
Billy

Billy....sad but true.....
same for me

Offline karry

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  • Posts: 271
Re: Woke up at 3am almost in tears..
« Reply #22 on: July 08, 2012, 10:00:05 AM »
Yesterday at the family's 4th of July barbecue, the topic of HIV came up with my uncle and he was talkin about a coworker he remembers from back in the early 90's that died from AIDS. Everybody around me started talkin about how horrible it would be to have such a disease and how they are so glad they don't have to deal with it, and how people with HIV are "nasty". All the while someone secretly living with the virus is in the family and sitting right next to them..It was on the tip of my tongue, and I had a few drinks, so I wanted to stand up and defend myself, and yell and shout, but I couldn't..I just sat there and pretended I wasn't bothered.
Its sad you had to go through that. I once had the same experience with an extended family member who is not aware of my status.  I got on the defensive and used the opportunity to give him an emotional lecture about HIV. It took a lot to stop me from saying "Hey I have HIV...and I just made the dinner you're devouring as we have this conversation".

Hugs to you
K
Take it a day at a time....and be positive about it too!

Offline Ac75088

  • Member
  • Posts: 228
Re: Woke up at 3am almost in tears..
« Reply #23 on: July 09, 2012, 02:25:46 AM »
Thanks Karry..I actually did do the same thing by giving them education about HIV but at the same time trying not to give myself away. My exact words "you arrogant people probably still think you can get HIV from a damn handshake" and then I got up and got another hot dog
01-12-08 Tested poz cd4 700 vl 8,000
04-25-11 Lowest cd4 count of 415 vl high at 250,000
05-03-11 Started Atripla
05-16-11 Hospitalized and treated for 2 weeks (neurosyphilis)
07-05-11 CD4 count 585 VL 550
10-04-11 CD4 count 700 VL 75
02-03-12 CD4 count 799 VL UD
08-08-12 CD4 count 838 VL UD

Offline intaglio

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Re: Woke up at 3am almost in tears..
« Reply #24 on: July 15, 2012, 04:55:54 AM »
Yesterday at the family's 4th of July barbecue, the topic of HIV came up with my uncle and he was talkin about a coworker he remembers from back in the early 90's that died from AIDS. Everybody around me started talkin about how horrible it would be to have such a disease and how they are so glad they don't have to deal with it, and how people with HIV are "nasty". All the while someone secretly living with the virus is in the family and sitting right next to them..It was on the tip of my tongue, and I had a few drinks, so I wanted to stand up and defend myself, and yell and shout, but I couldn't..I just sat there and pretended I wasn't bothered.

Sorry to hear your relatives are bass-ackward where HIV is concerned.

Here are a couple things to ponder when the negative thoughts intrude. Coming out is mostly being honest with yourself, not making announcements to others. Unless there is something positive to disclosing to your relatives, it really doesn't matter whether they know or not.

And, family is those whom your surround yourself with that make a positive contribution to your life. Relatives are those whom you are connected by blood. Sometime relatives make for poor family. Some of the best families have no blood relation, but instead strong emotional ties to each other.

So when your relatives get you down, remind yourself of those in your life who love you and accept you as are. They are your family.
Reality is frequently inaccurate.

Offline Jmarksto

  • Member
  • Posts: 483
Re: Woke up at 3am almost in tears..
« Reply #25 on: July 21, 2012, 01:00:51 PM »
AC;

As someone newly +, considering which meds to take and wondering if/when I disclose, my heart goes out to you.

Meds:  Atripla is an option my doc gave but I think the psychological side effects will rule it out for me.

Disclosure:  I am taking things one step at a time and am nowhere near disclosure beyond my partner.  Having that one person helps so much. 

From a purely societal (not individual) perspective, I do think that if people did disclose that the social stigma could be significantly lowered - but the catch 22 there is that where the stigma is the highest disclosure is the hardest. 

Thanks for posting, I appreciate the opportunity to learn and share with others.

Happy dreams,
JM
03/15/12 Negative
06/15/12 Positive
07/11/12 CD4 790          VL 4,000
08/06/12 CD4 816/38%   VL 49,300
08/20/12 Started Complera
11/06/12 CD4   819/41% VL 38
02/11/13 CD4   935/41% VL UD
06/06/13 CD4   816/41% VL UD
10/28/13 CD4 1131/45%  VL 25
02/25/14 CD4   792/37%  VL UD
07/09/14 CD4 1004/39%   VL UD

 


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