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Author Topic: Im freaking out.  (Read 4942 times)

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Offline atxpoz2012

  • Member
  • Posts: 3
Im freaking out.
« on: June 22, 2012, 06:54:31 PM »
GWM, 28, Smoker, drinker, trying to quit! but its how i grew up. drinking is my crutch. but im slowly learning to walk again. its the smoking part. but im working on it. I just found out i was poz on april 19. had that confirmation test. it was true. went to the doctor a couple weeks later. had my blood tested. A lot. my  Cd4 was 550 and viral load was 10,00 or 100,000. i forget. he did say it was low and on the first bracket. i dont have any drug resistance.  its now almost june.  i decided to wait to take meds. was that the right thing to do?  i also didn't get any vaccines. never have besides the ones they give u when you're 12. i have had a pretty good immune system growing up. hardly ever got sick, maybe once a year. I'm horrible at taking pills on time.. i also have to a lot of big changes in my life style that one minute i'm ready for and the next i wanna just pretend like nothing happened. im usually a keep it to myself and handle it myself kinda person. i guess im here asking. what do you think is the best medication? any natural medications? should i avoid certain foods? vitamins? sunlight? i dunno. im scared as hell already read everything on the web and really dont know what to believe. i already told all my friends and family. A lot of support coming from them and that helps. A lot. but they cant be there every time i melt down.. I hold it all in. till i explode. all over everyone. and i dont think that is very healthy, Anyone recommend a good book to read? inspirational quotes?  a really great doctor? just typing this felt good. maybe i will start a journal.
And right after i posted that that pop-up showed saying to start treatment now.
« Last Edit: June 22, 2012, 07:20:43 PM by atxpoz2012 »

Offline Dmb52084

  • member
  • Posts: 1
Re: Im freaking out.
« Reply #1 on: June 25, 2012, 01:59:15 PM »
Hey. I'm also newly diagnosed... May 7th... It's been a roller coaster of emotions.  My tests also came back very low/healthy (t-cell is 874 and vl of 5062) but my doc put me on meds right away to make sure I stay healthy/become undetectable.

I've been taking daily meds though for years because of genetically high cholesterol and heavy anxiety/depression (not sure if genetic), so it wasn't a big deal to me to go on another daily med.  however, it has taken me a long time to get really good about taking my meds daily - not my HIV med, but the others I am on.  It's just a lifestyle change you have to get used to and make it a habit to take.  It's a pain sometimes for sure but, like with exercise, the days I miss, I feel off and unhealthy.

A tactic that worked well for me to get used to taking pills daily was to get one of those daily pill deals from Walgreens... Where you put like a weeks worth in at once (on the different days) and then each day you just have to open it up and take those pills out.  For some reason it was/is just easier mentally to do for me rather than open up pill bottles each day.  Also allows me to take them with me so I can take at any time (although I do have to take my HIV med at same time each day, but if I forget/miss and am not home, I have them with me so I don't have to stress about getting home to take them).

I am noticing some side effects though that I'm going to talk with my doc about... More irritable, bit more depressed at times, so e suicidal thoughts,  some bad dreams, but I am hoping that my body is just getting used to this new drug and the side effects will subside.  I just think it's so much better to be undetectable and have my HIV under control than not be on meds and still always be wondering if you are spreading it/getting another strain/have a weaker immune system.

Those are my thoughts.  It's been really rough and I'm just trying to stick it out in hopes it will get better be the alternatives could be worse. :-/

-dmb

Offline drewm

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,158
Re: Im freaking out.
« Reply #2 on: June 25, 2012, 02:17:43 PM »
Welcome to the forums! I was dxd 2 years ago. My CD4 was 8 and my VL was 500,000. Full blown AIDS. Today my CD-4 is 280 and my VL is undetectable. This disease is manageable both physically and mentally. Don't ignore your mental health or feel consumed by this disease. Seek counseling.

All the best!  ;)
Diagnosed in  May of 2010 with teh AIDS.

PCP Pneumonia . CD4 8 . VL 500,000

ATRIPLA - VALTREX -  FLUOXETINE - FENOFIBRATE


Numbers consistent since 12/2010 - VL has remained undetectable and CD4 is anywhere from 275-325

Offline Joe K

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 3,780
  • 31 Years Poz
Re: Im freaking out.
« Reply #3 on: June 25, 2012, 02:26:13 PM »
I'm sorry to hear about you both testing poz, but glad you found your way here.  The best advice I can offer right now, is to just remember to breath.  Seriously, testing poz is something that nobody can prepare us for, because you don't know what it feels like, until it happens.  And once it happens, there is so much going through your mind, that sorting it all out will take time.  I know that so much of it feels real, but just because you think or feel something, does not make it true.

My suggestions to you would be to give yourself some time, to begin adjusting to your status and that unbridled fear and anxiety, are all a normal reaction to becoming poz.  Testing poz is such an individual experience and the only thing that I know, that always works, is to give it some time.  You need that time to process your thoughts and feelings and as you become more comfortable monitoring your health, you will realize that you are not going to die any time soon.

I've been poz for 27 years and what worked for me, was taking care of myself and that includes your mind, body and spirit.  Try and do something, everyday, that you absolutely love to remind yourself that you matter.  Find a way to overcome the fear and dread that your emotions may evoke and you must believe that it will get better... because it will.  You are doing all the right things, so you must believe that not only will you not die from HIV, but that eventually, being poz will just be another facet of your life.

I want you to understand that becoming poz is not the end of anything.  It doesn't change who you are, your dreams or goals and with time you will begin to believe that as well.  I suggest you look for inspiration, starting within yourself, because you are much stronger, than even you might realize.  Just give it some time and when you feel the darkness closing in, come back here and talk to us.

We do understand what you are experiencing, we just don't have any quick answers to adjusting to being poz.  It's a journey that is unique to each of us, but we will be happy to accompany you on your journey.

Welcome to the forums.

Joe

Offline Matty the Damned

  • Member
  • Posts: 12,228
  • Ninja Please
Re: Im freaking out.
« Reply #4 on: June 29, 2012, 08:01:07 AM »
Hi Dmb,

I'm sorry you're here but I'm glad you found us all the same.

Having HIV is no easy thing, but you certainly sound like you've got your head screwed on right! :)

I'm guessing you're gonna do fine. ;)

I hope you've checked out our Lessons section. They're an invaluable source of knowledge.

Hope to see you around the forums!

Your pal,

MtD

Offline Buckmark

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,531
  • Would you like to tie me up with your ties, Ty?
    • Henry's Home Page
Re: Im freaking out.
« Reply #5 on: June 29, 2012, 01:21:00 PM »
GWM, 28, Smoker, drinker, trying to quit! but its how i grew up. drinking is my crutch. but im slowly learning to walk again. its the smoking part. but im working on it. I just found out i was poz on april 19. had that confirmation test. it was true. went to the doctor a couple weeks later. had my blood tested. A lot. my  Cd4 was 550 and viral load was 10,00 or 100,000. i forget. he did say it was low and on the first bracket. i dont have any drug resistance.  its now almost june.  i decided to wait to take meds. was that the right thing to do?  i also didn't get any vaccines. never have besides the ones they give u when you're 12. i have had a pretty good immune system growing up. hardly ever got sick, maybe once a year. I'm horrible at taking pills on time.. i also have to a lot of big changes in my life style that one minute i'm ready for and the next i wanna just pretend like nothing happened. im usually a keep it to myself and handle it myself kinda person. i guess im here asking. what do you think is the best medication? any natural medications? should i avoid certain foods? vitamins? sunlight? i dunno. im scared as hell already read everything on the web and really dont know what to believe. i already told all my friends and family. A lot of support coming from them and that helps. A lot. but they cant be there every time i melt down.. I hold it all in. till i explode. all over everyone. and i dont think that is very healthy, Anyone recommend a good book to read? inspirational quotes?  a really great doctor? just typing this felt good. maybe i will start a journal.
And right after i posted that that pop-up showed saying to start treatment now.

Atxpoz,

Take a deep breath and relax for a minute.  Given your CD4 numbers and viral load, you are not in a position where you need to start taking meds immediately -- you have time to decide.  And you don't have any drug resistance, so you have plenty of cards to play.    That's a good thing to have going for you.  You also have the support of your family and friends, which is also good.  Many people don't have these things working in their favor.

One thing that's for sure is that having HIV is life-changing, but it doesn't mean you need to change everything.  You will need to make some adjustments to a few things, for example, eventually taking meds on a daily basis.  You can do that, and there are lots of tips and tricks for helping you remember.  Taking care of yourself, both physically and mentally, will help you get along with HIV.  But to answer one question, there's no "natural" medication, supplement, food, or vitamin that will help you fight HIV.  Of course, that doesn't mean you should go out and eat junk food 24x7, or drink like a fish.

I always recommend talking to a counselor or therapist when you are first diagnosed, because your reaction of fear and anxiety is common.  In your case, since you seem to be holding in a lot of fear and anxiety and emotion, I think it's a must.  They can help give you some perspective, and help you decide what is the right way for you to move forward.  And they can also help you understand what is behind your fear and anxiety, as most often it's not *just* the HIV its consequences that are the concern.  A journal isn't a bad idea, either.

I am in Austin as well, and I would send you a private message (PM), but you need to post 3 times before you can send / receive PMs (it helps prevent spam).

Focus on some of the things you have going in your favor with your fight against HIV, like the support of your family and friends.   And re-read what Joe wrote -- he provides very good advice.

Henry
"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:
     One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.
     The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love."
- Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

Offline Ac75088

  • Member
  • Posts: 228
Re: Im freaking out.
« Reply #6 on: July 01, 2012, 01:49:02 AM »
Greetings atx from up the road in DFW!

I'm so sorry that you have to be on this thread, but it is a very helpful and friendly place..I can't really give anymore advice than what has already been said, but just know that u will be ok!! You have all of our support :)
01-12-08 Tested poz cd4 700 vl 8,000
04-25-11 Lowest cd4 count of 415 vl high at 250,000
05-03-11 Started Atripla
05-16-11 Hospitalized and treated for 2 weeks (neurosyphilis)
07-05-11 CD4 count 585 VL 550
10-04-11 CD4 count 700 VL 75
02-03-12 CD4 count 799 VL UD
08-08-12 CD4 count 838 VL UD

Offline atxpoz2012

  • Member
  • Posts: 3
Re: Im freaking out.
« Reply #7 on: August 02, 2012, 08:42:28 PM »
Thanks guys for the kind words of encouragement. i really appreciate it. well i have my second doctors appt this coming Tuesday. I haven't started meds and i wont until my cd4 count is below or at 500. Or if i have a really really high viral load. still trying to understand it all. i have been to one counseling session and it was pretty good i plan on going back just finding the time is becoming difficult. Thanks again everyone who replied. 

Offline gadawg1979

  • Member
  • Posts: 142
Re: Im freaking out.
« Reply #8 on: August 03, 2012, 02:52:11 AM »
Like others have said take a second.  I was in your shoes in March of 2012.  I did find out that the sky did no fall and there was support.  You are in a much better shape than I was if you look at my numbers below.  I had to start meds right off.  Ask here if you need help god knows we all still do.  It is a battle that we fight on day at a time.
Diagnosed March 2012
Initial CD4- 156 VL 200K (started Complera) Genotype test no resistance
First labs on meds CD4- 246 VL 2K Taken after 30 days on Complera
90 Day labs VL 306 No CD4 Drawn
8/21/2012 CD4 474 VL Undetectable (40) %20.6
11/27/2012 CD 4 522 VL Undetectable (40)
2/14/2013 CD 4 464 VL Undetecable (30) 19.6%
6/8/3013 CD 4 528 VL Undetectable (30)
9/24/2013 CD 4 546 VL Undetectable (40)
1/30/2014 CD4 560 VL Undetectable (40) 22 %
6/19/2014 CD4 584 Vl Undetecable (30)

Offline atxpoz2012

  • Member
  • Posts: 3
Im not freaking out anymore.
« Reply #9 on: August 30, 2012, 02:24:48 PM »
Hey. just wanted to update y'all. I'm not freaking out anymore. After lots of research, doctor visits, and talking it out and some counseling i think i can handle this. 3 months after my first cd4/viral load tests, my cd4 was 507 and my viral load was 57k. i was feeling very fatigued, exhausted, etc. So i went on Atripla. the first couple days were weird. They made me feel off balance. But that went away on the 3rd night. I am dreaming more. but nothing too crazy yet. I take it around 830 at night and I'm asleep by 11. the doctor said don't worry about having an empty stomach when taking it. so i don't. MY LIFE IS NOT OVER. I still go out, drink, (not as much) socialize, etc. I am swimming, hiking, and eating healthier. It could be worse. So after a month i have to get my levels checked again. and finish my vaccinations. That is about it. xoxoxo

Offline Rockin

  • Member
  • Posts: 494
Re: Im not freaking out anymore.
« Reply #10 on: August 30, 2012, 06:05:00 PM »
Hey. just wanted to update y'all. I'm not freaking out anymore. After lots of research, doctor visits, and talking it out and some counseling i think i can handle this. 3 months after my first cd4/viral load tests, my cd4 was 507 and my viral load was 57k. i was feeling very fatigued, exhausted, etc. So i went on Atripla. the first couple days were weird. They made me feel off balance. But that went away on the 3rd night. I am dreaming more. but nothing too crazy yet. I take it around 830 at night and I'm asleep by 11. the doctor said don't worry about having an empty stomach when taking it. so i don't. MY LIFE IS NOT OVER. I still go out, drink, (not as much) socialize, etc. I am swimming, hiking, and eating healthier. It could be worse. So after a month i have to get my levels checked again. and finish my vaccinations. That is about it. xoxoxo

That's it man...you have your health right? What is HIV preventing you to do? Nothing. Take your pills and don't stress over it.

 


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