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Author Topic: feeling about the guy who transmitted hiv  (Read 5178 times)

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Offline songs06

  • Member
  • Posts: 114
feeling about the guy who transmitted hiv
« on: June 22, 2012, 04:29:27 AM »
i've been infected 3 months ago, which it is now seem like an eternity to me. lots of things change. i quit smoking and alcohol, i started eating a little better, i have a new sweet boyfriend whom mostly help me about everything. still there is a part of me thinking about the guy who transmitted hiv to me. sometimes i feel "ok" about him. i just wanted him to go and get medical help, and stop having unprotected sex. i was like that until recently i learned from his ex-housemate, he was having sex with different man everyday, and he confessed he did it on purpose and transmitting hiv while fucking turns him on. i always knew there might be this kind of issue. because we had sex only once, i asked him to use condom. he said he is sure "clean" and don't like condom. we argued for a while and then i accepted. (most stupid decision of my life.) and i asked him not to cum inside me, he said ok. he was rough -like he was really trying to do some tears around anus- and he came inside me even i told him not to do. he said he couldn't hold it.

so my hiv story started like that. i know i can't blame him because i accepted unprotected sex. but sometimes i want to kill him, especially now i learned and realized he is doing it on purpose of transmitting, i feel so much worse. his ex house mate kicked him out of home, and threatened him to talk to police but he said he can easily deny everything, he can say he didn't know he has hiv and did unprotected sex with everybody because they wanted etc...

i feel there is nothing i can do legally. i know he is not on drugs, and ignoring his hiv. i sent him hundreds of messages but he is just ignoring me. i took fake accounts in gay date sites and sent him different messages, he sometimes responded me and told me "let's hook up, but i only like unprotected sex" kind of messages. i can't believe there is such a cliche horror hiv guy among hiv people. so i hate him.

i hate him mostly for fucking up my stable life. and i hate him he is such a disgusting person. i wish he was sorry, at least feel bad a little bit. but he doesn't give a fuck about his own life and other people's life. i also hate myself to accept  "unprotected sex" with such a one night stand. now i am in love, i don't like use condoms in my relationship, but i have to use it for whoole my life. and i hate him because there might be other people like me, couldn't do anything to stop him. i want to kill him for sure, but i mostly want him to die himself while he never used drugs. i know getting hiv from a top is like %3 but this guy is quite hot (an ex-model) and lots of bottom guys do him. and he is having sex everynight with different men, so there might be at least like 5-6 guys like me who have hiv now. and i also think they don't know their status yet so they are having sex with different men. i got hiv in a really small city where everybody know each other. and i am already sure my "hiv transmitting man" slept with most of the bottom guys in that city. my pharmacist friend in that city told me in last 3 months, he is seeing hiv infection prescriptions almost %500 more this year. i think there is a small epidemy in there.

so i have mixed feelings about everything. i want to leave this issue, because i feel depressed and incapable of doing anything. i know i accepted unprotected sex but if he told me he has hiv, i am sure i wouldn't. and i know he was aware of it. i tried to tell other gay folk (i've changed my city after i got hiv so i only talked to them via net) they mostly laughed at me, some told me that i am lying because he might refuse to have sex with me, or i am doing this only to hurt him. some people believe in small cities, there is no way you can get hiv. well, in the end, i couldn't make believe anyone he is hiv positive.

so any opinions? i am trying to accept the reality that i got hiv from a person like him. i can't forgive him, because he should HAVE told me he is hiv positive from the start. and i can't forgive myself i bend my unprotected sex rule because of one handsome guy. now i am one of 5000 hiv positive person in a country with 70 million population. great.

sorry it turned out realy long post. and sorry for my broken english as well.
18.03.2012 - infected.
14.04.2012 - first positive elisa - UD western blot
30.04.2012 - western blot confirmation positive
03.05.2012 - first lab- CD4: 256   VL: 2.3 M
01.06.2012 - sec lab- CD4: 390 (end of ARS)
01.07.2012 - third lab- CD4: 388 VL: 150.000
11.07.2012 - Started Truvada + Kaletra
04.08.2012 - CD4: 401 VL: 3800
30.09.2012 - CD4: 510 VL: 709
04.01.2013 - CD4: 650 VL: UD! (aka 20)
01.04.2013 - CD4: 460 VL: UD
09.2013 - CD4: 510
02.2014 - CD4: 490

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 10,770
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: feeling about the guy who transmitted hiv
« Reply #1 on: June 22, 2012, 05:48:48 AM »
By the way you describe him, based on what you know personally, and what you hear about him via rumors, he sounds like a jerk.
You know, you don't have to forgive him. 
More important, forgiving yourself and moving on to normalcy again.
Back to him - either you have legal recourse, or you don't.
If you do have legal options, it's a waste of your energy and won't help you personally, that's all I'm saying.
If you do NOT have legal options, then all the more reason to try to put this person out of your mind.

You are thinking about him too much. Imagining all sorts of things you can't confirm.  And maybe he is all that evil you imagine.  Maybe not. 

Ruminative thoughts are pretty normal after a shock.  He will fade in importance with time, or maybe there is a way you can make some decisions to actively stop thinking about him.  I don't know.  What do you think?
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline joemutt

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  • Posts: 1,035
Re: feeling about the guy who transmitted hiv
« Reply #2 on: June 22, 2012, 06:07:05 AM »
My only input would be to try and let it go though it will take some time. Try to take care of your own life with HIV. Be Well.

Offline songs06

  • Member
  • Posts: 114
Re: feeling about the guy who transmitted hiv
« Reply #3 on: June 28, 2012, 03:04:49 AM »
i couldn't get on-line for couple of days and i started to think about him less and less. but today his ex-homemate sent me a pm says he deleted all his accounts from all gay dating sites. i think this is a good thing. maybe he had an issue with someone  whom he transmitted hiv. i don't know. you are both right about doing something about him are not gonna do any good for me. but i always want him to get what he deserves. things i wrote are mostly true, and i heard directly from him what kind of person he is. he is total jerk, and i hope he dies somehow.

everyday i read a new article about hiv issue in turkey, i see more ignorance. some surgeon here are afraid of doing surgery on HIV positive people, afraid of they might get HIV accidentally. there is even one guy who died in e.r. because they didn't perform appendectomy on him. i feel like i am gonna die someday, because of that jerk guy. i feel depressed and think about some bad luck going to happen to me. i want to have a tonsillectomy, because they still do hurt but i can't find any surgeon who would perform it, because it bleeds a lot. all day i think about these stuff and think about what kind of situation i put myself in. :(
18.03.2012 - infected.
14.04.2012 - first positive elisa - UD western blot
30.04.2012 - western blot confirmation positive
03.05.2012 - first lab- CD4: 256   VL: 2.3 M
01.06.2012 - sec lab- CD4: 390 (end of ARS)
01.07.2012 - third lab- CD4: 388 VL: 150.000
11.07.2012 - Started Truvada + Kaletra
04.08.2012 - CD4: 401 VL: 3800
30.09.2012 - CD4: 510 VL: 709
04.01.2013 - CD4: 650 VL: UD! (aka 20)
01.04.2013 - CD4: 460 VL: UD
09.2013 - CD4: 510
02.2014 - CD4: 490

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 10,770
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: feeling about the guy who transmitted hiv
« Reply #4 on: June 28, 2012, 04:57:59 AM »
Who is your doctor? Do you have a doctor who is professional and calm about your HIV status?  Have you actually been refused throat surgery? Or, are you looking at news reports and fearing that you might be refused surgery in the future, or that you might get treated horribly in the health care system in the future?  I am asking if you have personally experienced denial of care, or if this is a fear?
It sounds like you need a doctor you can trust.  This will help you have some confidence in your country's medical profession.  That doctor can also be an advocate for referring you to other doctors when you need a specialist, like a surgeon. Is this possible for you - getting a doctor where there is mutual respect and no fear?
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline wherehope

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  • Posts: 18
Re: feeling about the guy who transmitted hiv
« Reply #5 on: June 29, 2012, 01:01:22 AM »
Hard to answer your question, but definitely understand your feeling. Me too, been thinking to kill that jerk bitch who hurt me and many others, in reality they deserve death since they intend to infect and being brought numerous pain to the world/others. But what we can do? Killing will be regarded as murder, legal option would not solve problem at all as they can always refuse, while forgiveness/forgetting will not help other potential suffers and Not stop the continued infection...

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 10,770
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: feeling about the guy who transmitted hiv
« Reply #6 on: June 29, 2012, 08:12:46 AM »
Hard to answer your question, but definitely understand your feeling. Me too, been thinking to kill that jerk bitch who hurt me and many others, in reality they deserve death since they intend to infect and being brought numerous pain to the world/others. But what we can do? Killing will be regarded as murder, legal option would not solve problem at all as they can always refuse, while forgiveness/forgetting will not help other potential suffers and Not stop the continued infection...

Would you mind sharing your sad story on how the other person is responsible for your HIV status. Also please includes details and collaborating proof on this homicidal Typhoid Mary. 
Would like to see some basis in reality on your screed, above.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Online Jeff G

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  • Member
  • Posts: 9,362
  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: feeling about the guy who transmitted hiv
« Reply #7 on: June 29, 2012, 08:46:32 AM »
This talk about killing and people deserving  death is disturbing to say the least . If you are having these thoughts its time to see a therapist or councilor so you can move on with your life and get on with taking care of yourself . 

Songs , you have stated that you take responsibility for your infection but still seem to be fixateded on the the other party who you had unsafe sex with . You pretty much admit to stalking the guy on the internet and say what you wrote about him was mostly true , the mostly true part got my attention . Its clear from that statement your trying to punish him for something you claim to take responsibility for .

Stalking the person you think you may have contracted HIV from and having homicidal thoughts is not the healthy or normal reaction of a person that has taken responsibility .
I'm hoping you get some help so you can move on with your life , good luck . 

Offline Andy Velez

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  • Member
  • Posts: 23,890
Re: feeling about the guy who transmitted hiv
« Reply #8 on: June 29, 2012, 09:19:09 AM »
Where, my suggestion is that you get some professional support to deal with the emotional aspects of your becoming HIV+. If you can't afford that privately then get in touch with any AIDS SERVICE ORGANIZATION in your area.

Your feelings are understandable but you need to find a safe setting in which to express them so that you can move on with your life.
Andy Velez

Offline songs06

  • Member
  • Posts: 114
Re: feeling about the guy who transmitted hiv
« Reply #9 on: June 30, 2012, 05:14:13 AM »
first, about surgery. i asked my doc many times about urgent and elective surgery options. he said they have to do urgent one without a question but it is really impossible to find a surgeon to do elective surgeries. especially one like tonsillectomy. they had too much problem so many times, most of the times in the end hiv positive person him/herself have to find some money and buy the surgeon with cash. and even this is not working sometimes. what i see, most of the doctors in turkey are quite ignorant about HIV because it is not a common disease. they do know the virus, and how it works, they learn it at school but still they are afraid of one in a million cases like they got hiv while on operation even with full protection. i might understand their mentality but being surgeon is not that easy. you can choose your patients but not by their hiv status. so it is still a big problem in turkey for hiv positive people in turkey, but it is getting better. and i am sure it will be like us or uk in a very short time where thousands of people will learn their latent hiv infection.

second, i do not have homicidal thoughts. it is like sometimes you see a disgusting person on tv and you say "i hope he dies". even i stalked him on the internet, i didn't do it for killing him. i did it because i wanted to make sure he really did on purpose. and when i said "mostly true" i meant most of the things i said are thing i am sure, and some are things his friends told me and some part i fill the blank parts. (like he is being rough while sex but i might made that up also, maybe he only liked hard sex and he is not that complex person to think about that detail. i don't know.) but i definitely know he did it on purpose. and that's most important part for me. in this part said i take whole responsibility of doing unprotected sex. but i also wanted him to take responsibility as well. i mean, come on, infecting people for sexual purpose is quite sick i think. sicker than having homicidal thoughts. at least it is a emotional reflex or escape way. other one is just planned and programmed pure egoism. this is the part i hate. i hate him and i want him to die because he is such a person who can harm someone so easily and be cruel about it. of course you might think i do exaggerate things, but this is also your opinion. i am just trying to write my experience as true as possible. and i am doing this to feel better actually. i did know there are really really bad people on earth, but i can't believe i take one of them in my bed and let him infect me. i hate myself, and i hate my luck too. but you can't say i have to focus my anger on only one thing. i am not saying all this stuff for justify my error of unprotected sex. i am really guilty. but sometimes intentions are also important. he is a jerk because he did on purpose, if he did it while he didn't know, i would be definitely OK with that. and i might also help him emotionally. but now, i hate him for some many things but mostly because he put me partially in victim status, and i know i could have changed this easily. that's why i am not actually a victim. but like i said INTENTIONS are important for me, and should be for all human kind. that's why i stalked him and learnt everything. you would tell you HIV status someone before doing unprotected sex with them, right?

third, i do accept i need therapy. last time i went to a psychiatrist (2 months ago), she told me i am one of the few "new" hiv patients who are calm and reasonable she has seen. maybe i am not that calm anymore but i always believed time will solve things. when you get used to an idea, it loses its power. well it is true but it works different on different kind of ideas. i am not in a position to go see a therapist but i will do that for sure.

and last, "wherehope" i don't know your story man, but i think you are too much angry. just try to calm down a little. you are already infected and even the person you mentioned is a really jerk, you can't do anything about. people should protect themselves, that's all. you can't save people from getting infected as long as you don't teach them not having sex without condom. this is disease and nobody deserves it. even the one who infected you. i really didn't want to do unprotected sex, but even i do accepted it i wanted him to not ejaculate inside me to minimize the risk but he did nevertheless and i am also responsible for letting him. this and him being a jerk is two different subjects actually. you should have to let go, but i know you always feel like "i hope he will find what he deserves" i don't believe in god, but i still believe he will live a horrible life. i suggest you to think the same at the moment, but don't try to be a hero. even you stop this man, there will be always another one. and as long as people have sex, things like these will occur, and we remember how disgusting some humans are.
« Last Edit: June 30, 2012, 05:21:23 AM by songs06 »
18.03.2012 - infected.
14.04.2012 - first positive elisa - UD western blot
30.04.2012 - western blot confirmation positive
03.05.2012 - first lab- CD4: 256   VL: 2.3 M
01.06.2012 - sec lab- CD4: 390 (end of ARS)
01.07.2012 - third lab- CD4: 388 VL: 150.000
11.07.2012 - Started Truvada + Kaletra
04.08.2012 - CD4: 401 VL: 3800
30.09.2012 - CD4: 510 VL: 709
04.01.2013 - CD4: 650 VL: UD! (aka 20)
01.04.2013 - CD4: 460 VL: UD
09.2013 - CD4: 510
02.2014 - CD4: 490

Offline karry

  • Member
  • Posts: 263
Re: feeling about the guy who transmitted hiv
« Reply #10 on: July 02, 2012, 09:24:04 AM »
Hi Songs06
I feel your pain and I understand your anger because I was once in your position. More than 5 years ago, my ex-bf with whom we had the safe-sex and health discussion prior to having our first sexual contact also told me he was negative...and i later learnt he lied to me, as he had also infected his ex girlfriend. When I confronted him after I tested positive, he told me he was negative..and refused to test for HIV.

Like you I was very angry with him, and angry with myself for trusting him and allowing him to take off the condom once during intercourse. I felt guilty for making such a mistake, a mistake that changed my life. Like you I thought of different ways of punishing him, maybe sending anonymous letters to the police to have him arrested , but I never wished him dead.

This went on for a while, until I realised I had to let go...and I did. It took time to accept my responsibility, accept nothing will change, and make a decision to live positively. When I let go of that need to "make him pay" and "make him accept what he did to me", my life became better. I could now move on.

Its been more than 5 years now, I am living my life positively.

I wish you the best, but please give yourself time to forget about this jerk. He is not worth all your emotions and energy.

Hugs to you.
k.
Take it a day at a time....and be positive about it too!

Offline Rockin

  • Member
  • Posts: 491
Re: feeling about the guy who transmitted hiv
« Reply #11 on: July 04, 2012, 01:48:23 AM »
Anger is pointless. Its not constructive, its not gonna make you feel better. Best thing you can do is forget about this guy and move on. Be practical and objective. As long as you're healthy and taking care of yourself theres nothing you cannot achieve. You are just as normal as anyone else.

Take your meds and be happy.

Offline moongoddess

  • Member
  • Posts: 6
Re: feeling about the guy who transmitted hiv
« Reply #12 on: September 26, 2012, 04:31:48 PM »
Hi Songs06

I know this thread is over 2 months old but I just read it today and felt the need to post.

Your feelings are totally understandable. There is nothing wrong with you for being angry. Your anger is completely justified. It is how you deal with that anger~that is your choice.

For me, I have been positive for 2+ years. I was infected on my birthday, and I was with a guy who I was really into. During the sex, he didn't tell me that the condom had slipped off, and I didn't realize it until a few days later~ disgusting to say the least. I was freaked out when I realized that the sex which had started out protected had ended up being unprotected. I begged him to tell me if I had anything to worry about and he reassured me that he had tested himself about 3 months before and he was negative for everything. He swore up and down that I had nothing to worry about.

After being hospitalized with acute seroconverting illness about 3 weeks later, and the shock of diagnosis, I found him on a poz website. He knew he was positive for at least 1 year before he met me. When I confronted him, he denied it and then quickly left the country. (Literally up and left.) The guy is a scumbag, and even after 2 years, the answer to the question I ask myself every day "if I had the power to take away his life and get away with it, would I do it?", the answer is a no brainer and I don't feel guilty about it.... but that is not politically correct!!! So we don't say it (out loud).

The guy who infected you is a scumbag as well. And there is nothing wrong in saying you wish he was dead. It's honest, and healthier than being in denial.

I agree with one of the above posters who said that you don't have to forgive him. You have to forgive yourself. I would advise you to do whatever you can to push for a CURE FOR HIV. A cure is a real possibility in the next 10 years with the right amount of 1) political will, 2) science, and 3) money invested. Do whatever you can to help the struggle and that is the best way to get even with the guy who infected you (and even move beyond him).

I wish you all the best.

M


Damaged people are dangerous; they know they can survive. - Josephine Hart

 


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