Meds, Mind, Body & Benefits > Mental Health & HIV

feeling about the guy who transmitted hiv

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wherehope:
Hard to answer your question, but definitely understand your feeling. Me too, been thinking to kill that jerk bitch who hurt me and many others, in reality they deserve death since they intend to infect and being brought numerous pain to the world/others. But what we can do? Killing will be regarded as murder, legal option would not solve problem at all as they can always refuse, while forgiveness/forgetting will not help other potential suffers and Not stop the continued infection...

mecch:

--- Quote from: wherehope on June 29, 2012, 01:01:22 AM ---Hard to answer your question, but definitely understand your feeling. Me too, been thinking to kill that jerk bitch who hurt me and many others, in reality they deserve death since they intend to infect and being brought numerous pain to the world/others. But what we can do? Killing will be regarded as murder, legal option would not solve problem at all as they can always refuse, while forgiveness/forgetting will not help other potential suffers and Not stop the continued infection...

--- End quote ---

Would you mind sharing your sad story on how the other person is responsible for your HIV status. Also please includes details and collaborating proof on this homicidal Typhoid Mary. 
Would like to see some basis in reality on your screed, above.

Jeff G:
This talk about killing and people deserving  death is disturbing to say the least . If you are having these thoughts its time to see a therapist or councilor so you can move on with your life and get on with taking care of yourself . 

Songs , you have stated that you take responsibility for your infection but still seem to be fixateded on the the other party who you had unsafe sex with . You pretty much admit to stalking the guy on the internet and say what you wrote about him was mostly true , the mostly true part got my attention . Its clear from that statement your trying to punish him for something you claim to take responsibility for .

Stalking the person you think you may have contracted HIV from and having homicidal thoughts is not the healthy or normal reaction of a person that has taken responsibility .
I'm hoping you get some help so you can move on with your life , good luck . 

Andy Velez:
Where, my suggestion is that you get some professional support to deal with the emotional aspects of your becoming HIV+. If you can't afford that privately then get in touch with any AIDS SERVICE ORGANIZATION in your area.

Your feelings are understandable but you need to find a safe setting in which to express them so that you can move on with your life.

songs06:
first, about surgery. i asked my doc many times about urgent and elective surgery options. he said they have to do urgent one without a question but it is really impossible to find a surgeon to do elective surgeries. especially one like tonsillectomy. they had too much problem so many times, most of the times in the end hiv positive person him/herself have to find some money and buy the surgeon with cash. and even this is not working sometimes. what i see, most of the doctors in turkey are quite ignorant about HIV because it is not a common disease. they do know the virus, and how it works, they learn it at school but still they are afraid of one in a million cases like they got hiv while on operation even with full protection. i might understand their mentality but being surgeon is not that easy. you can choose your patients but not by their hiv status. so it is still a big problem in turkey for hiv positive people in turkey, but it is getting better. and i am sure it will be like us or uk in a very short time where thousands of people will learn their latent hiv infection.

second, i do not have homicidal thoughts. it is like sometimes you see a disgusting person on tv and you say "i hope he dies". even i stalked him on the internet, i didn't do it for killing him. i did it because i wanted to make sure he really did on purpose. and when i said "mostly true" i meant most of the things i said are thing i am sure, and some are things his friends told me and some part i fill the blank parts. (like he is being rough while sex but i might made that up also, maybe he only liked hard sex and he is not that complex person to think about that detail. i don't know.) but i definitely know he did it on purpose. and that's most important part for me. in this part said i take whole responsibility of doing unprotected sex. but i also wanted him to take responsibility as well. i mean, come on, infecting people for sexual purpose is quite sick i think. sicker than having homicidal thoughts. at least it is a emotional reflex or escape way. other one is just planned and programmed pure egoism. this is the part i hate. i hate him and i want him to die because he is such a person who can harm someone so easily and be cruel about it. of course you might think i do exaggerate things, but this is also your opinion. i am just trying to write my experience as true as possible. and i am doing this to feel better actually. i did know there are really really bad people on earth, but i can't believe i take one of them in my bed and let him infect me. i hate myself, and i hate my luck too. but you can't say i have to focus my anger on only one thing. i am not saying all this stuff for justify my error of unprotected sex. i am really guilty. but sometimes intentions are also important. he is a jerk because he did on purpose, if he did it while he didn't know, i would be definitely OK with that. and i might also help him emotionally. but now, i hate him for some many things but mostly because he put me partially in victim status, and i know i could have changed this easily. that's why i am not actually a victim. but like i said INTENTIONS are important for me, and should be for all human kind. that's why i stalked him and learnt everything. you would tell you HIV status someone before doing unprotected sex with them, right?

third, i do accept i need therapy. last time i went to a psychiatrist (2 months ago), she told me i am one of the few "new" hiv patients who are calm and reasonable she has seen. maybe i am not that calm anymore but i always believed time will solve things. when you get used to an idea, it loses its power. well it is true but it works different on different kind of ideas. i am not in a position to go see a therapist but i will do that for sure.

and last, "wherehope" i don't know your story man, but i think you are too much angry. just try to calm down a little. you are already infected and even the person you mentioned is a really jerk, you can't do anything about. people should protect themselves, that's all. you can't save people from getting infected as long as you don't teach them not having sex without condom. this is disease and nobody deserves it. even the one who infected you. i really didn't want to do unprotected sex, but even i do accepted it i wanted him to not ejaculate inside me to minimize the risk but he did nevertheless and i am also responsible for letting him. this and him being a jerk is two different subjects actually. you should have to let go, but i know you always feel like "i hope he will find what he deserves" i don't believe in god, but i still believe he will live a horrible life. i suggest you to think the same at the moment, but don't try to be a hero. even you stop this man, there will be always another one. and as long as people have sex, things like these will occur, and we remember how disgusting some humans are.

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