Meds, Mind, Body & Benefits > Mental Health & HIV

feeling about the guy who transmitted hiv

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Hi Songs06
I feel your pain and I understand your anger because I was once in your position. More than 5 years ago, my ex-bf with whom we had the safe-sex and health discussion prior to having our first sexual contact also told me he was negative...and i later learnt he lied to me, as he had also infected his ex girlfriend. When I confronted him after I tested positive, he told me he was negative..and refused to test for HIV.

Like you I was very angry with him, and angry with myself for trusting him and allowing him to take off the condom once during intercourse. I felt guilty for making such a mistake, a mistake that changed my life. Like you I thought of different ways of punishing him, maybe sending anonymous letters to the police to have him arrested , but I never wished him dead.

This went on for a while, until I realised I had to let go...and I did. It took time to accept my responsibility, accept nothing will change, and make a decision to live positively. When I let go of that need to "make him pay" and "make him accept what he did to me", my life became better. I could now move on.

Its been more than 5 years now, I am living my life positively.

I wish you the best, but please give yourself time to forget about this jerk. He is not worth all your emotions and energy.

Hugs to you.

Anger is pointless. Its not constructive, its not gonna make you feel better. Best thing you can do is forget about this guy and move on. Be practical and objective. As long as you're healthy and taking care of yourself theres nothing you cannot achieve. You are just as normal as anyone else.

Take your meds and be happy.

Hi Songs06

I know this thread is over 2 months old but I just read it today and felt the need to post.

Your feelings are totally understandable. There is nothing wrong with you for being angry. Your anger is completely justified. It is how you deal with that anger~that is your choice.

For me, I have been positive for 2+ years. I was infected on my birthday, and I was with a guy who I was really into. During the sex, he didn't tell me that the condom had slipped off, and I didn't realize it until a few days later~ disgusting to say the least. I was freaked out when I realized that the sex which had started out protected had ended up being unprotected. I begged him to tell me if I had anything to worry about and he reassured me that he had tested himself about 3 months before and he was negative for everything. He swore up and down that I had nothing to worry about.

After being hospitalized with acute seroconverting illness about 3 weeks later, and the shock of diagnosis, I found him on a poz website. He knew he was positive for at least 1 year before he met me. When I confronted him, he denied it and then quickly left the country. (Literally up and left.) The guy is a scumbag, and even after 2 years, the answer to the question I ask myself every day "if I had the power to take away his life and get away with it, would I do it?", the answer is a no brainer and I don't feel guilty about it.... but that is not politically correct!!! So we don't say it (out loud).

The guy who infected you is a scumbag as well. And there is nothing wrong in saying you wish he was dead. It's honest, and healthier than being in denial.

I agree with one of the above posters who said that you don't have to forgive him. You have to forgive yourself. I would advise you to do whatever you can to push for a CURE FOR HIV. A cure is a real possibility in the next 10 years with the right amount of 1) political will, 2) science, and 3) money invested. Do whatever you can to help the struggle and that is the best way to get even with the guy who infected you (and even move beyond him).

I wish you all the best.



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