Meds, Mind, Body & Benefits > Mental Health & HIV

feeling about the guy who transmitted hiv

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i've been infected 3 months ago, which it is now seem like an eternity to me. lots of things change. i quit smoking and alcohol, i started eating a little better, i have a new sweet boyfriend whom mostly help me about everything. still there is a part of me thinking about the guy who transmitted hiv to me. sometimes i feel "ok" about him. i just wanted him to go and get medical help, and stop having unprotected sex. i was like that until recently i learned from his ex-housemate, he was having sex with different man everyday, and he confessed he did it on purpose and transmitting hiv while fucking turns him on. i always knew there might be this kind of issue. because we had sex only once, i asked him to use condom. he said he is sure "clean" and don't like condom. we argued for a while and then i accepted. (most stupid decision of my life.) and i asked him not to cum inside me, he said ok. he was rough -like he was really trying to do some tears around anus- and he came inside me even i told him not to do. he said he couldn't hold it.

so my hiv story started like that. i know i can't blame him because i accepted unprotected sex. but sometimes i want to kill him, especially now i learned and realized he is doing it on purpose of transmitting, i feel so much worse. his ex house mate kicked him out of home, and threatened him to talk to police but he said he can easily deny everything, he can say he didn't know he has hiv and did unprotected sex with everybody because they wanted etc...

i feel there is nothing i can do legally. i know he is not on drugs, and ignoring his hiv. i sent him hundreds of messages but he is just ignoring me. i took fake accounts in gay date sites and sent him different messages, he sometimes responded me and told me "let's hook up, but i only like unprotected sex" kind of messages. i can't believe there is such a cliche horror hiv guy among hiv people. so i hate him.

i hate him mostly for fucking up my stable life. and i hate him he is such a disgusting person. i wish he was sorry, at least feel bad a little bit. but he doesn't give a fuck about his own life and other people's life. i also hate myself to accept  "unprotected sex" with such a one night stand. now i am in love, i don't like use condoms in my relationship, but i have to use it for whoole my life. and i hate him because there might be other people like me, couldn't do anything to stop him. i want to kill him for sure, but i mostly want him to die himself while he never used drugs. i know getting hiv from a top is like %3 but this guy is quite hot (an ex-model) and lots of bottom guys do him. and he is having sex everynight with different men, so there might be at least like 5-6 guys like me who have hiv now. and i also think they don't know their status yet so they are having sex with different men. i got hiv in a really small city where everybody know each other. and i am already sure my "hiv transmitting man" slept with most of the bottom guys in that city. my pharmacist friend in that city told me in last 3 months, he is seeing hiv infection prescriptions almost %500 more this year. i think there is a small epidemy in there.

so i have mixed feelings about everything. i want to leave this issue, because i feel depressed and incapable of doing anything. i know i accepted unprotected sex but if he told me he has hiv, i am sure i wouldn't. and i know he was aware of it. i tried to tell other gay folk (i've changed my city after i got hiv so i only talked to them via net) they mostly laughed at me, some told me that i am lying because he might refuse to have sex with me, or i am doing this only to hurt him. some people believe in small cities, there is no way you can get hiv. well, in the end, i couldn't make believe anyone he is hiv positive.

so any opinions? i am trying to accept the reality that i got hiv from a person like him. i can't forgive him, because he should HAVE told me he is hiv positive from the start. and i can't forgive myself i bend my unprotected sex rule because of one handsome guy. now i am one of 5000 hiv positive person in a country with 70 million population. great.

sorry it turned out realy long post. and sorry for my broken english as well.

By the way you describe him, based on what you know personally, and what you hear about him via rumors, he sounds like a jerk.
You know, you don't have to forgive him. 
More important, forgiving yourself and moving on to normalcy again.
Back to him - either you have legal recourse, or you don't.
If you do have legal options, it's a waste of your energy and won't help you personally, that's all I'm saying.
If you do NOT have legal options, then all the more reason to try to put this person out of your mind.

You are thinking about him too much. Imagining all sorts of things you can't confirm.  And maybe he is all that evil you imagine.  Maybe not. 

Ruminative thoughts are pretty normal after a shock.  He will fade in importance with time, or maybe there is a way you can make some decisions to actively stop thinking about him.  I don't know.  What do you think?

My only input would be to try and let it go though it will take some time. Try to take care of your own life with HIV. Be Well.

i couldn't get on-line for couple of days and i started to think about him less and less. but today his ex-homemate sent me a pm says he deleted all his accounts from all gay dating sites. i think this is a good thing. maybe he had an issue with someone  whom he transmitted hiv. i don't know. you are both right about doing something about him are not gonna do any good for me. but i always want him to get what he deserves. things i wrote are mostly true, and i heard directly from him what kind of person he is. he is total jerk, and i hope he dies somehow.

everyday i read a new article about hiv issue in turkey, i see more ignorance. some surgeon here are afraid of doing surgery on HIV positive people, afraid of they might get HIV accidentally. there is even one guy who died in e.r. because they didn't perform appendectomy on him. i feel like i am gonna die someday, because of that jerk guy. i feel depressed and think about some bad luck going to happen to me. i want to have a tonsillectomy, because they still do hurt but i can't find any surgeon who would perform it, because it bleeds a lot. all day i think about these stuff and think about what kind of situation i put myself in. :(

Who is your doctor? Do you have a doctor who is professional and calm about your HIV status?  Have you actually been refused throat surgery? Or, are you looking at news reports and fearing that you might be refused surgery in the future, or that you might get treated horribly in the health care system in the future?  I am asking if you have personally experienced denial of care, or if this is a fear?
It sounds like you need a doctor you can trust.  This will help you have some confidence in your country's medical profession.  That doctor can also be an advocate for referring you to other doctors when you need a specialist, like a surgeon. Is this possible for you - getting a doctor where there is mutual respect and no fear?


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