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Author Topic: Monday 11th June 2012 = Worse Day Of My Short Life  (Read 3970 times)

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Offline madara

  • Member
  • Posts: 3
Monday 11th June 2012 = Worse Day Of My Short Life
« on: June 19, 2012, 07:55:19 PM »
OK, so I'm in the one of the clinic's offices.
The doc tells me that I have conflicting results.

They need the retest my bloods. For confirmation.

I panic, I BREAK DOWN silently. She asks if I'm OK.
'It's not the end of the world', cliche statement.
NOT what I want to hear.
My immediate thought was, 'I'm going to die'. Stereotypical thought.

Had to wait a week for the confirmation. Surprisingly it wasn't the hardest part, waiting. I knew I had it. I thought I was ready for the inevitable.

I SOOOO WASN'T
Monday 18th June, results are confirmed. I am positive.
I break down again but not as much as the previous Monday.

I went to work that day, broke down constantly as it hit me at the most inconvenient and random times. Left early in the evening after informing my partner via txt because he was so concerned about why I was in a state. How do you tell your partner face to face that you have, what every gay man considers to be their worse nightmare??

We are both in shock. Both extremely anxious and terrified about his results in a few days, probably next Tuesday.

Slept OK last night, Monday night. Tonight, Tuesday however is a different story.
Tonight I find myself wanting to write my story. I ought to write and save it in word, keeping it forever.

Guess that is the short version.
I go through bursts of sadness, and ok-ness, random crying, random laughter. Anything my body feels, i.e. a cough, or a weird feeling of sickness or pain, i automatically think, oh what if this is a symptom.

Anyway anyway, i do apologize about the essay. Seems like it helps to be in your own world typing away.

Thanks for reading guys.
Oh I forgot to mention, I am only 20 years old

Offline Mrmojorisin

  • Member
  • Posts: 213
    • My Blog
Re: Monday 11th June 2012 = Worse Day Of My Short Life
« Reply #1 on: June 19, 2012, 08:39:44 PM »
Madara,
 
 Welcome! I am glad you found this place. To repeat the cliche it is not the end of the world.
 The best thing you can do for yourself is to get informed. The more you understand about HIV the less scary it becomes. What you are feeling is normal and it is good that you come hear and talk about it.
 I spend most of my time here reading other threads and get lots of answers from that. Ask questions. There are plenty of folks here with lots of wisdom..
Started Meds On 5/1/2012 Norvair, Truvada, Prezista, and Bactrim

4/17/2012--CD4 83/ VL 353,000  7.0%
5/15/2012--CD4 218/ VL 4,970    14.1%
6/27/2012--CD4 146/ VL 420      6.1%
10/11/2012-CD4-223/ VL-62       9.5%
2/14/2013--CD4-215/ VL-119      13.6%
7/3/2013---CD4-256/ VL-UD       18.0%
10/18/2013 CD4-223/ VL-UD       22.2%
01/23/2014-CD4-381/VL-UD       25.3%--Dropped the Bactrim
05/01/20140CD$-370/VL-UD       23.5%

"arrrrhhhhh ahhrrhhhhh aaaarrhhh"- Chewbacca

Offline madara

  • Member
  • Posts: 3
Re: Monday 11th June 2012 = Worse Day Of My Short Life
« Reply #2 on: June 20, 2012, 12:23:29 PM »
Thank you
I've bookmarked the site.
I'l be back constantly etc etc

Quote
--Trying to keep it together--

Offline emeraldize

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,365
Re: Monday 11th June 2012 = Worse Day Of My Short Life
« Reply #3 on: June 20, 2012, 04:15:34 PM »
Hey Madara,

Glad you're here, sad you're here.
I think your idea of writing is a good one. It's one way to park (and purge) your thoughts.

A year from now, you can read and recall what eventually will heal and blend into the past. The vivid stuff will remain vivid, but the shock wears down.

I went for comedy as my coping tool. Heaps and heaps of Comedy Central TV watching, talking with my funniest friends and, oh yeah, ice cream.

Take care.
Em

Offline anniebc

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,956
  • AM member since 2003
Re: Monday 11th June 2012 = Worse Day Of My Short Life
« Reply #4 on: June 20, 2012, 06:12:45 PM »
Hi Madara.

This is my standard reply to those who arrive here for the first time after learning of their diagnosis...so first of all welcome to the forum.

Reaction to the positive result is difffernt for everyone, but over time you will find a way of coping with this result that suits you, and it might be quite differnt from how others deal with it.

No one here will ever tell you it's easy, it's ok to get angry or scared but don't let it take over your life, stress is natural and it can actually help some of us get through certain situations but excessive stress can cause you physical symptoms that can damage your immune system further, just find ways to manage any stress you may be feeling, learn to relax and listen to your body.

Along with HIV comes anxiety and one way of tackling this is through information. gaining confidence in yourself and making informed decisions about your future.

Support is very important and you can get this from a qualified ID doctor, family and friend that you trust and there are many support organizations out there...just make sure whoever you discuss this with is sympathetic, supporting and non judgmental about your HIV status.

Most important of all you have to remember that being HIV+ does not stop you from being the person you were before your diagnosis.

You now know you can come here anytime you have a problem, a question or just need to vent, there is always someone here to help.

Take care
Jan
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Never knock on deaths door..ring the bell and run..he really hates that.

Offline madara

  • Member
  • Posts: 3
Re: Monday 11th June 2012 = Worse Day Of My Short Life
« Reply #5 on: June 20, 2012, 09:31:49 PM »
Hi guys,
I'm unfortunately at work. The night shift.
Probably better than a day time shift at the moment.
 I appreciate all comments. I'm smiling as I type.

My status I think I can cope with.

I'm just mega worried about my partner and his pending results. IF he positive I am the one to blame.  I can't handle that.
I will keep everyone posted re his results.

THank you for your support however =] =[

Offline Jmarksto

  • Member
  • Posts: 533
Re: Monday 11th June 2012 = Worse Day Of My Short Life
« Reply #6 on: June 22, 2012, 08:57:01 AM »
Madara;

I got the same news on the same day....and have the same worry about my partner.  I am blessed that she is very very supportive.  What a roller coaster of thoughts, emotions, and physical changes in my body.  It has helped reading other people's stories and responses - so thanks to all for posting.

I wish you and your partner the best.
03/15/12 Negative
06/15/12 Positive
07/11/12 CD4 790          VL 4,000
08/06/12 CD4 816/38%   VL 49,300
08/20/12 Started Complera
11/06/12 CD4   819/41% VL 38
02/11/13 CD4   935/41% VL UD
06/06/13 CD4   816/41% VL UD
10/28/13 CD4 1131/45%  VL 25
02/25/14 CD4   792/37%  VL UD
07/09/14 CD4 1004/39%   VL UD
11/03/14 CD4   711/34%   VL UD

Offline Mrmojorisin

  • Member
  • Posts: 213
    • My Blog
Re: Monday 11th June 2012 = Worse Day Of My Short Life
« Reply #7 on: June 23, 2012, 07:45:49 AM »

My status I think I can cope with.

I'm just mega worried about my partner and his pending results. IF he positive I am the one to blame.  I can't handle that.
I will keep everyone posted re his results.

THank you for your support however =] =[

That was one of my biggest worries...however, my wife has tested negative. Which is fantastic. Now we are moving onto counseling and informing my children.
Started Meds On 5/1/2012 Norvair, Truvada, Prezista, and Bactrim

4/17/2012--CD4 83/ VL 353,000  7.0%
5/15/2012--CD4 218/ VL 4,970    14.1%
6/27/2012--CD4 146/ VL 420      6.1%
10/11/2012-CD4-223/ VL-62       9.5%
2/14/2013--CD4-215/ VL-119      13.6%
7/3/2013---CD4-256/ VL-UD       18.0%
10/18/2013 CD4-223/ VL-UD       22.2%
01/23/2014-CD4-381/VL-UD       25.3%--Dropped the Bactrim
05/01/20140CD$-370/VL-UD       23.5%

"arrrrhhhhh ahhrrhhhhh aaaarrhhh"- Chewbacca

Offline Lad_Liam

  • Member
  • Posts: 56
  • it's a hitchhiker, not a hijacker
Re: Monday 11th June 2012 = Worse Day Of My Short Life
« Reply #8 on: June 24, 2012, 07:56:28 AM »
Hi Madara
Sorry to hear your situation... but welcome to the best place on the web for + info and experience. My heart goes out to you right now, as I remember vividly that time of waiting or a partner's results. Jan made excellent points in her reply, which I back up here. I'd also add that crying and letting some of the stress, pressure and bad junk out was useful for me after I confirmed +.

I wish the best for you and your family in this journey.

Liam
a new dark passenger joins the ride

 


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