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Author Topic: It takes 1 minute to bring all dreams to a halt  (Read 3429 times)

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Offline Sameer1980

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It takes 1 minute to bring all dreams to a halt
« on: July 23, 2012, 07:06:02 AM »
Hi,
Just to mention this before anyone reads this, this is a long post and just a way to find some peace.

I live in India and had the most perfect life till I did something stupid....I never appreciated it. I have always been a person who was never satisfied but strangely life had its way to get back to me. I am engaged to an amazing woman, have 2 lovely, doting parents and basically have a lot but never could understand it till now...Y? Because, about 5 months(150 days) ago, I went for a stupid bachelor's to a place called as Nepal and had an incident. We met with some escorts and wanted our "to be married friend" to have a strip show, but instead we just all ended up chatting. However, 1 of us decided to stay back and got cozy with one woman, just as I was leaving, like an idiot I stayed back outside having a smoke. Meanwhile, me and another woman started talking and I had about a minute of protected vaginal sex. I did ejaculate in her without me knowing but the reason why it was for a minute was coz I immediately saw my fiance's face and felt horrible.

I realized about the ejaculation after withdrew-the condom seemed to be ok since nothing was protruding out of it and I think saw the semen in it.

What followed was guilt and shame and fear- since that day, I have cried everyday and prayed everyday asking for forgiveness. I even started speaking to the escort and exchanged stories, apologized for what I did. My life changed, I switched my job(form good to bad), kept to myself, have tried to be physically away from my fiance(occasionally slipped, there were some moments but only one protected exposure with her).

Basically- I have lost my grip. I google to the limit of inventing my laptop, blackberry, tablet- any device, 24*7. I was awake almost every night-even have a mail for my fiance if something happens. I still have doubts whether the condom failed or whether it was a fake(Nepal has counterfeits) since the condom was picked by someone else but it was Durex and was within the expiry date(but was a flavored one and hence the doubt).

I had a PCR-RNA test at 15 days for HIV, HEPB and HEPC(have vaccination for hepA and hepB)

Had a test for Chlamydia and Herpes at Week 6 and Syphilis at week 12.

HIV(AB/AG by CMIA) from week 4 to week 12(every week) and week 15.

HIV(ELFA) at week 13, HIV(Chemillumiscence) at week 17 and lastly HIV(ELISA) at week 19.4.

All tests have been negative!

The reasons which keep make me relive these moments-
1)Have had an extremely white tongue which I think is there on the ridges as well(could be due to anxiety or dehydration).
2)Weakness, occasionl twitches and loose stools(again maybe due to anxiety).
3)Persistent throat irritation till sometime back-was not sore but mild irritaion.
4)Floaters in the sun but have sensed them before as well
The point of concerns are-
1)I have seen a successive drop in my platelets(drops as significant as 50,000 in 1 month).
2) Have a bump in back of my neck(near the hairline) but multiple lymph nodes on my neck in the posterior cervical area(started at 11th week and still have it). This has been verified by doctor(he said palpable and wanted to check again but I have not gone-been almost 11 weeks since the lymph nodes surfaced). I have a bit of stiffness on my shoulders and when I bow my head then there is a bit of stinging pain in my back.

Have had x-ray to check for muscle sprain but that was normal.

Basically, I am confused about-
1)Lymph nodes(for the first time in my life) on both sides of my neck. Seems too much of a coincidence to have them suddenly at 11 weeks after exposure.
2)White tongue.

I did not have fever despite warm frequent flushes, especially on my neck and no rash as such( have some blotches though on my palms, like rings but looks fungal).

The best part of the story- I got engaged 15 weeks after the incident and am due to get married in November. I frequently have these bouts of desperation when I start crying uncontrollably-have confided in my father since he was getting worried looking at the change in me.

I still have those nodes and everytime I close my eyes, I dream of the word which comes in google when you type them-HIV.

Lesson learnt- Value life and aspiring to be a good husband, son and human being.

I did not know how to express my feelings-I will be tested this friday(22 weeks). Everytime I test, I kiss a picture of my folks and fiance not knowing what can happen. I want to forget this all and just be close to them-now and forever.

I pray for everyones happiness and peace.

Thanks!

Offline RapidRod

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Re: It takes 1 minute to bring all dreams to a halt
« Reply #1 on: July 23, 2012, 07:33:47 AM »
You had protected sex. You never had an exposure.

Offline Sameer1980

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  • Posts: 9
Re: It takes 1 minute to bring all dreams to a halt
« Reply #2 on: July 23, 2012, 07:41:35 AM »
Hi Rodney,
Over the last 5 months-I have read your replies across a lot of these forums. I know you have been direct and upfront, many times even told insensitive but I know you care for all coz you always reply.

Thanks!

Now my concern- I have nodes which have been certified by a doctor, still within the 6 months marks. I can attribute everything else to anxiety but not the nodes. It cannot be mono coz we hadn kissed or even made out. It was just a moment. My fear is-
1)The condom failed and I did not notice(I know for sure it did not slip).
2)I had washed after taking it off so might have rubbed enough for some virus to get in the uthera.
3)The condom was a counterfeit since I had not bought it myself.

You agree right that swollen lymph nodes at 11 weeks(and only after a exposure) is quite wierd to be accepted as normal.

And Rodney- I am not here to prove a point, I just want my sanity through logical conversations. THe girl waiting for me to get married means everything to me- I can be penniless and live but not hope to live without her. I hope you are doing well...

Offline RapidRod

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Re: It takes 1 minute to bring all dreams to a halt
« Reply #3 on: July 23, 2012, 07:45:49 AM »
You did not have an exposure, you had protected sex. No matter what twists and spins you want to add it does not change the fact you did not have an exposure. Condoms don't fail without knowing.

Offline Sameer1980

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  • Posts: 9
Re: It takes 1 minute to bring all dreams to a halt
« Reply #4 on: July 23, 2012, 07:53:43 AM »
Yes I know the exposure was protected-the only thing which I know does not seem essential when I say the word "protected" are the lymph nodes.

Rodney- I have read through all the forums in here and I would not want to debate on anything but just get an understanding. I have read that CFS could cause nodes but these actually happened right when I started to control a bit(thanks to my father).

The fact is when I type occipital and posterior cervical, things seem a bit odd.

I also want to thank all the people on this board- Andy, Ann, JK, etc etc. You guys are selfless...it takes courage for what you do and I only realized it now...

Offline Ann

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  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: It takes 1 minute to bring all dreams to a halt
« Reply #5 on: July 23, 2012, 08:10:22 AM »
Sameer,

Even if you did have a risk (you did NOT have a risk), you are still hiv negative. You have repeatedly tested hiv negative far outside the window period.

If you feel unwell, see a doctor. You have already more than conclusively ruled hiv out as a possible cause.

You DO NOT have hiv. You are conclusively hiv negative.

This is all about your guilt over straying from your relationship. Hiv isn't a punishment, so stop that line of thinking. You do NOT have hiv!

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline Sameer1980

  • Member
  • Posts: 9
Re: It takes 1 minute to bring all dreams to a halt
« Reply #6 on: July 23, 2012, 08:22:19 AM »
Yes i agree-it is not.

The guilt is bad, i will level with her. I have never lost control in my life, no risks ever. It's just that the lymph nodes swelling have made me worry all the time. I have read a lot on transmission  and understand the dynamics but this is too much  of a coincidence.

I am at the brink of canceling my marriage. It's just that i love my fiance a lot. We fight a lot but life seems meaningless without  her.

The fear of this had engulfed me too much.

Offline Ann

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  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: It takes 1 minute to bring all dreams to a halt
« Reply #7 on: July 23, 2012, 08:47:37 AM »
Sameer,

More fool you if you cancel your wedding over a virus that YOU DO NOT HAVE.

You are conclusively hiv negative.

YOU DO NOT HAVE HIV.

Go see your doctor to find out what is actually causing your lymph problems. It could be anything from a simple bacterial infection to cancer, but whatever it is, it IS NOT HIV. You have conclusively ruled hiv OUT of the equation.

If you read the Welcome Thread before posting like you're supposed to, you will have read the following posting guideline:

Quote

Anyone who continues to post excessively, questioning a conclusive negative result or no-risk situation, will be subject to a four week Time Out (a temporary ban from the Forums). If you continue to post excessively after one Time Out, you may be given a second Time Out which will last eight weeks. There is no third Time Out - it is a permanent ban. The purpose of a Time Out is to encourage you to seek the face-to-face help we cannot provide on this forum.


Please consider yourself warned!

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline Sameer1980

  • Member
  • Posts: 9
Re: It takes 1 minute to bring all dreams to a halt
« Reply #8 on: July 23, 2012, 10:20:49 AM »
Ann,
My intention is not to keep harping on something.

The reason i keep asking is because you all have helped many people as you help me and have seen many conversations.

My cervical lymph nodes keep taking me back to the incident.

I am here after 5 months cause i was not being able to understand anymore.

Sorry!

Offline Sameer1980

  • Member
  • Posts: 9
Re: It takes 1 minute to bring all dreams to a halt
« Reply #9 on: July 23, 2012, 10:16:48 PM »
Hi,
Is there any reason that a delay in antibody production would take place due to a very low cd4 count or a too high viral load.

I know the facts but since people over here have experience, i needed to understand better. I am a worried well but i just cannot attribute the lymph nodes to stress coz i get a pain in my neck everytime i move it.

I will get an ultrasound forclarity. Please help me through-i posted here because softer 5 months i was not able to get answers and now am exhausted.

If the nodes were coz of hiv :
1)would it have started at the 11 weeks to swell?

2)since my test was at 19.4, the last one, so more than 8 weeks after the onset, would not the antibodies be present?

I just required to be understood and i trust everyone here send hence keep coming back.

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: It takes 1 minute to bring all dreams to a halt
« Reply #10 on: July 23, 2012, 10:39:34 PM »
I sincerely hope you find the solution to your physical and emotional difficulties.

However, under no circumstances can it be HIV.

You are reliably HIV negative. And it's probably time to let this go.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline Sameer1980

  • Member
  • Posts: 9
Re: It takes 1 minute to bring all dreams to a halt
« Reply #11 on: July 23, 2012, 11:59:54 PM »
Hi Johnathan,
I was hoping to see you around- I completely agree with all the people in this forum.

I really want to let go of this-I really would have believed in my tests if the nodes did not surface in the 11th week.

I asked 2 questions-can you all please help educate me. I know what I am asking is not fair but it would help me understand better. I know from previous posts about the various cause for delays in seroconversion and none of those are applicable on me.

Only the aspect of occiptal and posterior cervical nodes keep bringing me back to this.

You know what was my only solace during all this- I kept planning my honeymoon :D. That was one thing which brought a little smile on my face.

Ann-the post about vanity is a killer. I atleast am happy that I learnt a lesson and realized what I have in my life.

Lastly- just a small update(JK for you since you address a lot of science queries). US has predominantly subtype B which is not very effective during heterogeneous contact, Indian subcontinent has subtype C which is more virulent and effective.

I want to make my life simple again, would be grateful if my questions could be addressed.

Offline jkinatl2

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  • Doo. Dah. Dipp-ity.
Re: It takes 1 minute to bring all dreams to a halt
« Reply #12 on: July 24, 2012, 01:57:23 AM »
Quote
If the nodes were coz of hiv :
1)would it have started at the 11 weeks to swell?

2)since my test was at 19.4, the last one, so more than 8 weeks after the onset, would not the antibodies be present?

I just requir

I will answer these questions as best as I can. However, the correlation of swollen lymph nodes and incipient antibody production is spotty. Sometimes it happens, sometimes it does not.

Obviously, the very act of touching or prodding the lymph nodes cam make them swell. So can stress, allergies, hell just about anything.

Obviously, IF the swollen lymph nodes WERE the result of your body beginning to produce HIV antibodies, then of course a standard ELISA test would have registered that within days if not weeks.

However, it is EXTREMELY rare for a person to wait eleven weeks to BEGIN developing antibodies. This is one of the major reasons why a twelve week testing window is sufficient. Overkill, even, with the newer tests.

Since your last test was at 19.4 weeks, it is safe to assume that whatever caused/is causing/your lymph nodes to swell, it is most certainly NOT HIV.

I am not always the best at "laying down the law" in these forums, that I admit. I often respond to queries from an intellectual standpoint long after it has become obvious that rationality has, more or less, left the building. Hoping that this is not the case with you, I must implore you to let this go.

What keeps me awake at night is the person who consistently and stubbornly refuses to see any other answer besides HIV for a real, persistent physical problem. I worry that people overlook a treatable cancer, for example, until it is too late because the timing happened to coincide with a sexual encounter. I worry that by indulging these scientific inquiries, I am sometimes - or HAVE sometimes - delayed the real diagnosis, at the other person's peril.

Your health, your upcoming wedding and marriage, need to mean more than my speculative navel gazing. Therefore, with a heavy heart, I leave you to the other qualified persons who respond to HIV queries in this forum. I fear that our continued dialogue would otherwise do more harm than good.

I absolutely wish you and your future spouse the very best of luck, love, and health as you move forward together. None of us can undo our past actions, but maybe we can turn these moments we perceive as regrettable into valuable things, things that make us better people.

I've certainly tried to do that with my own HIV infection. I hope your recent scare can bring about something even more noble, even more kind, and even more understanding of people like myself.  That  of course is my selfish wish. In truth, being a good guy, a decent partner to your spouse, and someone who brings more to the human experience than he takes is the best any of us can desire.

With that, I respectfully disengage from this conversation.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline Sameer1980

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  • Posts: 9
Re: It takes 1 minute to bring all dreams to a halt
« Reply #13 on: July 24, 2012, 02:31:30 AM »
This scare has changed my life.

Money is not my objective anymore and I do not keep a track of my deeds.

Certain things are there which I want to do and will do-support a shelter and engage with an orphanage for HIV children. I will not let this be only words but will take action.

I promise you that I will turn my life around to ensure that I make a change.

Offline Sameer1980

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  • Posts: 9
Re: It takes 1 minute to bring all dreams to a halt
« Reply #14 on: July 30, 2012, 11:25:01 PM »
22 weeks negative ELFA hiv test yet lymph nodes in the neck for nearly 3 months. Should i get a pcr  rna test to confirm?

Offline RapidRod

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  • Posts: 15,288
Re: It takes 1 minute to bring all dreams to a halt
« Reply #15 on: July 30, 2012, 11:32:54 PM »
■Anyone who continues to post excessively, questioning a conclusive negative result,  or no-risk situation will be subject to a four week Time Out (a temporary ban from the Forums). If you continue to post excessively after one Time Out, you may be given a second Time Out which will last eight weeks. There is no third Time Out - it is a permanent ban. The purpose of a Time Out is to encourage you to seek the face-to-face help we cannot provide on this forum.

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: It takes 1 minute to bring all dreams to a halt
« Reply #16 on: July 30, 2012, 11:51:02 PM »
22 weeks negative ELFA hiv test yet lymph nodes in the neck for nearly 3 months. Should i get a pcr  rna test to confirm?

12 weeks negative is considered definitive. You are reliably HIV negative.

I hope that you allow yourself to accept this fact. Unfortunately, this forum is not designed to replace face-to-face counseling, which helps many people who have (or develop) an irrational fear of HIV and/or the inability to accept a negative test/status and move on.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline Ann

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  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: It takes 1 minute to bring all dreams to a halt
« Reply #17 on: July 31, 2012, 04:19:49 AM »
Sameer,

You never had a risk in the first place, remember?

If you're worried about your lymph nodes, show them to a doctor. You do realise, don't you, that MANY things other than hiv can cause swollen lymph nodes including cancer and including touching them all the time to see if they're swollen.

Whatever is going on has NOTHING to do with hiv. You have reliably and more than conclusively ruled hiv out as a possible cause, so work with a doctor to find out what may be the real cause.

But wait a minute - we've given you the above information over and over and over again.

I'm giving you that time out you've been warned about. Do not attempt to create a new account to get around your time out because if you do, you will be permanently banned.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

 


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