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Author Topic: How would you approach a new gay serodiscordant long-distance relationship?  (Read 1222 times)

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Offline brighterside

  • Member
  • Posts: 3
So here is my sad story.
I traveled to the Middle East at the beginning of the year for my studies. I met an amazing guy the beginning of April. We're both in our mid-twenties. Being with him was like magic. He inspired me, and showed me a side of life and a perspective that amazed me. We saw each other every day until I left for home, and basically I ended up living with him. I told him I'd fallen for him and he said the same. But I had to leave at the end of May.

Two days before I left, he got a call from the doctor saying his routine blood test came back HIV+. We had always used condoms, but I was certain that I must've given it to him, because I had barebacked a few times at the beginning of the year and I had generally just been reckless and sleeping with 2-3 different guys a week. And him, he had only been with 3 or 4 partners in the past 2 years and felt insecure about sex and so rarely had sex.

So for a whole day I was certain I was HIV+ and had spread it to him. The last day in the country, we spent the morning in the hospital and given my limited time, they expedited the testing process and in the afternoon they told me I was negative. It was hard enough to leave, and it was even harder to leave with him having just found out that he's HIV+. I offered to postpone my flight but he insisted that I not do that for him because I had to take care of some important things back home. We cried and cried and I promised that we would see each other again and eventually one of us could visit the other.

It is 10 days later, and he has told his family and all the friends that matter. He has trouble sleeping, but he isn't crying as much anymore, I think. But he won't sleep in his bed because he says it feels empty without me, so he sleeps on the couch.

Yesterday I made the decision to fly back there and stay with him for a month and a half. It's the craziest thing I've ever done. I love him, so of course I will do it. What I'm worried about is the long-term. Maybe we'll do long-distance, maybe not. Before he found out he was HIV+, he wasn't so keen on the idea and said he didn't want a skype relationship and to be missing me all the time, and preferred just to enjoy the time we had together as much as possible and keep in touch with each other, keeping a warm place in our hearts for each other.

Now that I'm going back, to be honest, I am scared of getting HIV, and I am even more scared of getting HIV and then being alone. I told him that I am willing to be in a long-distance relationship with him and eventually he could move to my country, but he seems hesitant about the idea because his career is very important to him and he said he probably wouldn't move to another country only to be with a partner.

I have read the studies and know that the estimates place the per-act risk of protected anal sex below 1% and sometimes at 0.01% or lower. But I also know this is still a risk, that each act increases the risk of exposure, and that those studies are not supposed to be used to assess individualized risk anyway. I would gladly accept those risks if I knew that we were going to be together in the long-run. But otherwise, I don't know.

Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? What would you do and why? And what do you think of this whole situation?

Thanks for reading.







 
« Last Edit: June 10, 2012, 04:40:37 PM by brighterside »

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 10,726
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Well go visit him. 
Yesterday I made the decision to fly back there and stay with him for a month and a half. It's the craziest thing I've ever done. I love him, so of course I will do it. What I'm worried about is the long-term. Maybe we'll do long-distance, maybe not. Before he found out he was HIV+, he wasn't so keen on the idea and said he didn't want a skype relationship and to be missing me all the time, and preferred just to enjoy the time we had together as much as possible and keep in touch with each other, keeping a warm place in our hearts for each other.
.......
 I told him that I am willing to be in a long-distance relationship with him and eventually he could move to my country, but he seems hesitant about the idea because his career is very important to him and he said he probably wouldn't move to another country only to be with a partner.

Follow your heart but note that he sent a clearly ambiguous message about your long-term prospects.

Now all of this is somewhat distorted by his diagnosis.  You are having intense feelings of care and concern.  It seems like you loved him before the diagnosis, and now of course its heavy on your heart.  But for him, now after diagnosis, he is really in a state of shock.  Of course he will want to have you caring and loving by his side.  Maybe he will now truly fall in love with you.  But just take one day at a time and do try to remember what he said before diagnosis.  People who get diagnosed HIV can have very intense feelings and fear that the future does not hold many options for partners, love, etc....

Just saying, support him, love him.  Wait and see what love he returns....
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

 


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