Quantcast

Subscribe to:
POZ magazine
E-newsletters
Join POZ: Facebook MySpace Twitter Pinterest
Tumblr Google+ Flickr MySpace
POZ Personals
Sign In / Join
Username:
Password:
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
September 01, 2014, 07:41:52 PM

Login with username, password and session length


Members
  • Total Members: 23366
  • Latest: medic01
Stats
  • Total Posts: 636828
  • Total Topics: 48338
  • Online Today: 229
  • Online Ever: 585
  • (January 07, 2014, 02:31:47 PM)
Users Online

Welcome


Welcome to the POZ/AIDSmeds Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, and others concerned about HIV/AIDS.  Click on the links below to browse our various forums; scroll down for a glance at the most recent posts; or join in the conversation yourself by registering on the left side of this page.

Privacy Warning:  Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.

  • The information shared in these forums, by moderators and members, is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between an individual and his/her own physician.

  • All members of these forums are, by default, not considered to be licensed medical providers. If otherwise, users must clearly define themselves as such.

  • Forums members must behave at all times with respect and honesty. Posting guidelines, including time-out and banning policies, have been established by the moderators of these forums. Click here for “Am I Infected?” posting guidelines. Click here for posting guidelines pertaining to all other POZ/AIDSmeds community forums.

  • We ask all forums members to provide references for health/medical/scientific information they provide, when it is not a personal experience being discussed. Please provide hyperlinks with full URLs or full citations of published works not available via the Internet. Additionally, all forums members must post information which are true and correct to their knowledge.

  • Product advertisement—including links; banners; editorial content; and clinical trial, study or survey participation—is strictly prohibited by forums members unless permission has been secured from POZ.

To change forums navigation language settings, click here (members only), Register now

Para cambiar sus preferencias de los foros en español, haz clic aquí (sólo miembros), Regístrate ahora

Finished Reading This? You can collapse this or any other box on this page by clicking the symbol in each box.

Author Topic: Death is better than this  (Read 3627 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline zozo

  • Member
  • Posts: 9
Death is better than this
« on: September 30, 2006, 12:58:05 PM »
Hi guys

Let me begin by thanking all of you for the positive contribution you making to us. I'm zozo and the child o the unirvse. I was diagnosed in February. Everthing started as fever, I went to see a doctor and given medicine. It dissappeared and keep coming. By then It was difficult to breath, went to the doctor and I was told that  I have PCP and stay in hospital for few weeks . It didnt occurer to me that PCP is the neighbour of HIV. My condition was improving a little bit. Then the doctor suggeted that maybe I should get tested. Then I didnt want to because I want working in a foreign country and the languge barrier was a problem. Eventually I agreed. Three days after  the docyor told me that I will get my result the ff day. But she hardly look at me at the face. Her eyes were running away from mine. I begin to suspect. I asked her to tell me my result. She refused and eventually said " You have tested positive " I almost died thinking about my daughter. I stayed inthe hospital for three months. Decided to go home and quit the job. I started the treament which is stavudine, 3TC and stocrin. Lucky enough I didnt develop any side effect. I was on my feet again. I found it hard to cope with this diagnosis. I opened up to 2 members of my family. To my suprised I noticed a kind of discrimination and always treated bad. I decided to leave the country again. My doctor prescribed a 6 months suppply. But the pharmacist would not give me even a two months supply, saying blar blar! . I left. Now where I am right now once you are a foregner and the carrier of the virus you are deported. I dont have a treatment, at the same time I cant go to local doctors fearing that I will be deported. I dont want to go home either because there are no job opportunities. I'm a single parent I have to look after my girl. What have I done to deserve this?. I decided not to tell my boyfriend who is negative. It means I got infected when I was still at the university. I love him but I can't tell him because he is a blar blar. The whole town will know. But I decided to pull off. I have no social life, no place to stay back home . My daughter is what I'm living for. Now I'm worried about the diagnoses of my brother again who played a role of my father . Paying for my fees at varsity taking care of me ect. He is my brother ,father, friend. His condition is worse . He's been in hospital since January until now. He's mentally disturbed ( if I'm using the correct word), doctors say he wont be able to walk again. Would it have been better to have already died that to face all this crap. Guys please help. I need your help to go on. I have reached the point zero.

Offline Life

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,388
  • Member 2005
Re: Death is better than this
« Reply #1 on: September 30, 2006, 01:07:28 PM »
I think you will find we have all been at "POINT ZERO".  One thing about being "there" is that the only way from zero is UP...  Welcome to AM Zozo..  You will find your way..  Keep close and lets see what happens...

Love

Offline allopathicholistic

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,258
Re: Death is better than this
« Reply #2 on: September 30, 2006, 01:10:45 PM »
Sorry to hear you tested poz. What is your CD4 level? What is your CD4 percentage? What is your viralload. All that will help us to help you. HIV is no longer the surefire 'death sentence' that it was in the ealy 80's. W'ere here for you

Offline zozo

  • Member
  • Posts: 9
Re: Death is better than this
« Reply #3 on: September 30, 2006, 01:34:09 PM »
Thanks guys for your time. I started the treatment end of June my cd4 count was 14 and the viral load at 13000. By the end of August my cd4 is at 101 and the viral load at 110. But I'm not sure if there is accuracy in this.

Offline Lis

  • Member
  • Posts: 593
Re: Death is better than this
« Reply #4 on: September 30, 2006, 02:49:31 PM »
Hi zozo

What country are you in ... this is a global family.. maybe someone here knows where you can turn...

Please try and take 1 day at a time... you have been through so much.. it takes time to find your way!!

in support..

lisbeth
poz 1986....

Offline poobear

  • Member
  • Posts: 112
Re: Death is better than this
« Reply #5 on: September 30, 2006, 03:19:19 PM »
Hi ZoZo,
     I extend a warm welcome to you.  I am glad you found us.  I do agree with what everyone is saying.  It is shocking when you first find out and it is scary.  I can tell you that I have been living HIV + for 12 years now.  I do not know what death is like but I do try and enjoy my Life.  I am sure your daughter would say this is better than death.  She needs her mom.  Try to keep your head held high.  And like someone has already said this is a global forum so if we know where you are maybe someone can help you with some info for where ever you are. Best wishes and hope to hear more from you.  Great Big Hug.  Rachel

Offline LatinAlexander

  • Member
  • Posts: 599
  • Bogota, Colombia
Re: Death is better than this
« Reply #6 on: September 30, 2006, 09:57:05 PM »
We have been on those feelings as well. And WE ARE DAMN ALIVE!!!!

This place will give you many like this, will be the place where you will feel warm, and where you will see that there are many others like you. But guess what? Every fag always wanna be the first... And I am not an exception


{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG FOR YOU}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Alex
Poz since Jul 19 2006
Initial numbers : CD4-250 VL 3500
First labs after HAART (Dec 04-2006) : CD4-432 VL-<40 (Undetectable)  cd4%=25.11%
Started HAART: Combivir+Efavirenz Aug 26 7:38 pm
Feb 08 2007 - Gradually stopping HAART cause of Myalgia. Protecting Efavirenz. Stopped Efavirenz, ahead with Combivir....
February 17 Combivir stopped.
April 3 -07 : Started ddi+3tc+efavirenz...
Gay and positive (What a lack of Identity...:) )
Looking for my Ben....

Offline carousel

  • Member
  • Posts: 821
Re: Death is better than this
« Reply #7 on: October 01, 2006, 12:42:29 AM »
.
« Last Edit: February 15, 2007, 12:39:25 PM by carousel »

Offline IzPoz

  • Member
  • Posts: 332
  • God, grant me the serenity...
Re: Death is better than this
« Reply #8 on: October 01, 2006, 09:42:20 AM »
Zozo,

Welcome to the forums.  I'm sorry you are going through a difficult time right now.  While I can't advise you on how to deal with where ever you are... I hope that you do find a comfortable place to be so you can care for your child and yourself.

I see you have a lot of love for your child, and that's a good sign.  But in order to take care of her, you need to take care of you first.  It's like when you go on an airplane, and the stewardess demonstrates the oxygen masks should they happen to drop out.  They tell you to put the mask on you first, THEN put it on your child.

So, put your oxygen mask on, love.  Take care of you.
The reason angels can fly is that they take themselves so lightly. ~ Chesterton G. K.

Offline zozo

  • Member
  • Posts: 9
Re: Death is better than this
« Reply #9 on: October 01, 2006, 10:01:05 AM »
Izpoz
I can't agree with u more than this. Thanks life can be  hell at times.

Offline lostboy

  • Member
  • Posts: 67
Re: Death is better than this
« Reply #10 on: October 01, 2006, 10:48:16 AM »

I disagree, death is not better than this.  You have a lot to live for (especially your daughter) and things will get better, just take it one day at a time.

Welcome and best wishes to you,


Lost
(Also in a foreign country trying to avoid deportation)
"There is no gene for the human spirit"

Offline zozo

  • Member
  • Posts: 9
Re: Death is better than this
« Reply #11 on: October 01, 2006, 11:10:41 AM »
Thanks lostboy and everyone who gave me moral support, since started posting. That's what friends are for in this forum. Hope one day I will walk with my head held high.

Offline Moffie65

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,755
  • Living POZ since 1983
Re: Death is better than this
« Reply #12 on: October 01, 2006, 11:23:33 AM »
ZOZO,

Welcome to the Forums and I hope we can help you come to some peace.

First off, please tell us what country you are in, as there are many people who frequent this forum and one never knows what help someone might be able to give you, or at least point you in a direction of care.

Some have responded that they understand what you are dealing with, but I fear that many here who are either in the United States, or Europe, have no idea what it is like to be HIV+ in a country that would have you dead, rather than to help you at all.  If you would open up just a bit, maybe we can shed some light on what you might be able to do to help you and your daughter.

Please don't give up hope, for that is sometimes all we can do is to hope.

In Love, and Support.
The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals,
and 362 to heterosexuals.
This doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals,
It's just that they need more supervision.
Lynn Lavne

Offline RevMC

  • Member
  • Posts: 223
  • It's me!
    • Psychic AwakeningSchool.com
Re: Death is better than this
« Reply #13 on: October 01, 2006, 12:35:34 PM »
Hold your head up high hon.  We all know how difficult being HIV+ is.  I do Tarot Card readings and am psychic (though I can't tune in to what's going on in my life or those real close to me).

There is one card in Tarot, the Wheel Of Fortune, rough interpretation:  When you feel like you have hit bottom, the only way to go is UP!!  My partner and I have both been poz for 18 yrs that we know of.  There are always going to be ups and downs.  Remember before you found out you were HIV+?  There were always ups and downs before, just because you are HIV+ doesn't make it any different.  Just a little crazier.

Hang in there hon, you've found a great group of people here to try to help you when you need advice.

How old is your daughter?  Was she born before you were at University?  Or after?  If you and your boyfriend have had unsafe sex, no condoms, he should be told regardless so that he can get tested.  If he tests positive also, he needs to know so he doesn't spread it to others.

We all know it's a tough decision to make.  See if there is a local ASO where you live or if the health department can notify him that someone in his past tested HIV+ and that he needs to get tested.  Sometimes that can keep your identity private and still get him to find out.

Hang in there, Hold your head up High!!  You are a SURVIVOR!!  You are LOVED!!  You are NEEDED!!  You are WANTED!!!  We LOVE you, NEED you and WANT you here with us.  :)
Rev. Michael
Part of my story: "Sale Of A Lifetime" POZ December 2003
http://www.poz.com/articles/172_752.shtml

Started on Truvada and Viramune on 2/15/07

Jan 8, 2007   t-cells 215  Viral Load 10,000  24%
March 26'th  T-cells 306   Viral Load  UNDETECTABLE
June 2007 t-cells 375 Viral Load UNDETECTABLE
August 2007 t-cells 290 Viral Load UNDETECTABLE



Love and Light and Reiki sent your way,
Rev. Michae

Offline zozo

  • Member
  • Posts: 9
Re: Death is better than this
« Reply #14 on: October 05, 2006, 10:40:19 AM »
Hi guys
Thanks once more for your unending support. My girl was born long before I was at the varsity. I'm pretty sure she doesnt enter the picture. I'm in one of the republics of  China ( taiwan )at the moment . I'm scared. I have tried to send some post but they went somewhere else. Thing I dont have excess to the net all the time, that is why it took so long to respond. Guys you are my last hope. I thought for some reason that the disease in question is a global problem, i didnt know that where I am now its like you have commited a capital crime if you have it, therefore you need to be deported?.
Amen

Offline Iggy

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,435
Re: Death is better than this
« Reply #15 on: October 05, 2006, 11:08:40 AM »
.
« Last Edit: January 12, 2007, 08:35:45 PM by Iggy »

Offline cjc

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,011
  • Sweet Girl
Re: Death is better than this
« Reply #16 on: October 05, 2006, 03:13:20 PM »
Sorry to hear about your situation. I have a 3 a half year old and when I get down, I remind myself that he needs me to be there for him. If you focus on taking care of yourself and your child, maybe it will make things easier for you. I guarantee that if it wasn't for my son, I would have given up at the beginning. I really hope things get better for you and you family.  Cristy

Offline zozo

  • Member
  • Posts: 9
Re: Death is better than this
« Reply #17 on: October 05, 2006, 09:22:38 PM »
Yes, Iggy and cjc you are right but you know what?. If it wasnt because of this poor soul, I would have just let the virus do its job. I dont knw where I'm going right now.I live in fear all the time,I always question life as to why this is happenning. I have never taste the taste of happiness in my life. I knew, I will never escape the virus. How close are we to the cure?. Sorry to ask all these questions. This  is something worse ever happenned to me. I rest.

Offline Iggy

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,435
Re: Death is better than this
« Reply #18 on: October 06, 2006, 09:15:14 AM »
.
« Last Edit: January 12, 2007, 08:35:18 PM by Iggy »

Offline Moffie65

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,755
  • Living POZ since 1983
Re: Death is better than this
« Reply #19 on: October 06, 2006, 09:35:01 AM »
http://www.lofaa.org.tw/
http://www.utopia-asia.com/aids.htm#taiw

ZOZO,

Please try these links as a start for your search.

There is help, but you will have to make the connection from your side of the pond.

Please don't dispair, there are people in Taiwan who want to help, and can make sure you are taken care of.  You are not alone there!!!!

In Love and Support.
The Bible contains 6 admonishments to homosexuals,
and 362 to heterosexuals.
This doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals,
It's just that they need more supervision.
Lynn Lavne

Offline zozo

  • Member
  • Posts: 9
Re: Death is better than this
« Reply #20 on: October 06, 2006, 11:20:09 AM »
Thanks Moffie65 and Iggy for these links. The thing I can't get hold of them now, the offices are closed until wednesday. At least they are pointing towards the right direction. But now my big worry is that, as an employee in taiwan, I need to get tested for all kinds of sicknesses including Hiv in order to get Alien Registration certificate. They are going to find out about my health status and this mean that I'm going to lose the job as I will be deported. I don't know what do deal with that. Any ideas?. Thanks

Offline Rainbow1

  • Member
  • Posts: 34
Re: Death is better than this
« Reply #21 on: October 06, 2006, 02:32:06 PM »
Hello Zozo, Hang in there, believe me. It could be worse. I know from experience. this is a great place you have found here.

 


Terms of Membership for these forums
 

© 2014 Smart + Strong. All Rights Reserved.   terms of use and your privacy
Smart + Strong® is a registered trademark of CDM Publishing, LLC.