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Sex life with HIV+ boyfriend

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alejofm05:
Hi. I have to say that this forum is great! I have been dating a HIV positive man for 2 months; I think he is fantastic; he was up front and honest about his status from the start. He told me before even asking me out on a date.  However, our sex life is not very active. I thought that I was the one that was going to be afraid (I'm still a little bit, but this forum has given me a lot of great info and peace of mind) but it turns out that he is the one that has trouble performing because he is afraid of me getting sick. I understand what he feels, he is an amazing guy and I know that if I were to get sick the guilt would kill him, but the bottom line is that the relationship wonít work out if we canít have a healthy sex life. He has been positive for over 8 years, his last relationship was 4, and since he was so honest up front I thought he was in a more comfortable place. Iím here to find people that went through a similar situation with their partner and to see how they overcome this problem. Iíve been thinking of talking with him about getting professional help, I think he would be open to that, but I want to see what other options there are and how other people worked through similar situations.

Thanks!

Ann:
Ale, did you two know that if he is on meds with an undetectable viral load that you are unlikely to become hiv positive because of him? Even if a condom were to break.

alejofm05:
Hello Ann, yes, I've read the studies (although other reports claim that undetectable viral load on blood does not necessarily mean the same for semen, could you give me a little for info into to this? thanks) He is on meds and undetectable and is aware of the studies too. We have talked about the risks and what sexual behaviors I would be comfortable with. But as it turns out, he is the one that is having the most difficulty dealing with the matter. I think this is the first time that he is actually facing the fact that he can infect a person he cares about with a clear mind. After finding his status he went into a depression for a while and into alcoholism, while he was on a relationship for 4 years after his positive status, he was a drunk for all that time. He finally made a change in his life 2 years ago, he has been sober since, he's going to the gym where he has lost over 40 pounds and is having great success on his professional life. Now, this is the first time that he is trying a relationship after being sober.

dowellndoubtnot:
Hi Ale, i am actually working through a relatively similar situation right now myself. The difference is my bf found out about his status as we were starting our relationship. We are still slowly working through the sexual part of it, but i can say that for us, experimenting and living out some fantasies that are absolutely 0% risk has helped to keep us very much sexually connected and active while we work towards both feeling comfortable with having intercourse.

lpd19852001:
This sounds almost exactly like the situation I'm in now!  My guy has been HIV+ for about 10 years, has an undetectable viral load, and seems otherwise very healthy--but he definitely seems (overly?) cautious about being intimate.  It's hard to figure out the risks myself sometimes with all of the conflicting information available on the internet, but good luck and know that you're not the only one dealing with this!

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