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Author Topic: Dating Advice...  (Read 1705 times)

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Offline WRD_123

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  • Posts: 15
Dating Advice...
« on: April 27, 2012, 01:02:00 PM »
So I just found out about a month ago that I have HIV... and the week before I started dating this very cute Canadian songwriter. I have went on about 5 dates with him so far and really like him, but I am not ready to tell him yet. The thing is he has hinted at oral (already!) and although oral does not seem to be a way he could get it. I would feel bad doing that and telling him about my status later.

Another twist is I'm moving to NYC for several months, so I didn't want to get into a serious relationship. But... I like this guy a lot. He treats me better than anyone ever has.

Should I wait to tell him and hold off oral until I get back because who knows if we'll even date then? Or what do you all think?
« Last Edit: April 27, 2012, 01:09:20 PM by WRD_123 »

Offline Bearcub201

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Re: Dating Advice...
« Reply #1 on: April 27, 2012, 01:48:57 PM »
...oral does not seem to be a way he could get it. I would feel bad doing that and telling him about my status later.


I got HIV in February of this year from oral sex, so it is certainly possible. The truth is, if you'd feel bad about doing it without disclosure first, then by all means, disclose. In my humble opinion, the worst that can happen is he'd say no and while that sucks... accidentally giving HIV to someone you care about is worse, much worse.
--Mike

Offline WRD_123

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Re: Dating Advice...
« Reply #2 on: April 27, 2012, 02:29:18 PM »
Yeah I would NEVER do anything without telling him first... that wasn't my question. My question is should I hold off until I get back from NYC? or should I go ahead and tell him now?

The more I think about it the more I feel like waiting to tell him and to hold off on having oral until I return. I just feel life is so unpredictable, who knows if he will even be here when I return.

Offline Buckmark

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Re: Dating Advice...
« Reply #3 on: April 27, 2012, 02:55:47 PM »
So I just found out about a month ago that I have HIV... and the week before I started dating this very cute Canadian songwriter. I have went on about 5 dates with him so far and really like him, but I am not ready to tell him yet. The thing is he has hinted at oral (already!) and although oral does not seem to be a way he could get it. I would feel bad doing that and telling him about my status later.

Another twist is I'm moving to NYC for several months, so I didn't want to get into a serious relationship. But... I like this guy a lot. He treats me better than anyone ever has.

Should I wait to tell him and hold off oral until I get back because who knows if we'll even date then? Or what do you all think?

In your situation I don't advise you to have sex without disclosing your HIV status.  As you said, you would feel bad if you waited until afterwards to tell him, and it would probably lead to him questioning if he could trust you.  Additionally, prosecution of folks who don't disclose their HIV before having sex seems to be on the rise lately in the law enforcement community -- either by specific statute, as well as general "reckless endangerment".  While I don't always agree with that, if this guy turns out to be a prick, he could make your life miserable if you don't disclose.

All this said, I realize you are in a difficult spot, since you've only recently found out that you are HIV+ and are having to come to terms with it.   So it's kinda soon to have to be disclosing to someone you don't know.  Life doesn't always work on a neat schedule.   If nothing else, disclosing your HIV status roots out the guys who are keepers from the guys who are not.  I think that if you really dig this guy, you should tell him that you have HIV.  It won't necessarily be easy, but the sooner you learn to disclose, the easier it will become.

Regards,

Henry
"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:
     One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.
     The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love."
- Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

Offline WRD_123

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Re: Dating Advice...
« Reply #4 on: April 27, 2012, 03:08:36 PM »
Buckmark,

Yeah I would NEVER have any type of sexual encounter with out disclosing.. that is not what I am wondering.

I'm just wondering if I should wait to say anything to him until I get back from New York... and that means I would not do anything sexually with him until after I get back. I just don't want to tell him I have HIV and then leave in like 2 weeks for several months. I mean who knows if he will even live here when I return. he is a songwriter and moves around.

I do appreciate your input though.

Offline geobee

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Re: Dating Advice...
« Reply #5 on: April 27, 2012, 03:31:27 PM »
I would definitely wait.  You've known the guy 5 weeks, you're going to NY for a couple of months, and you're newly diagnosed and disclosure is one of those topics that one has to sit with for a while to figure out.   

If he puts the move on you say something like "you know, I'd prefer to wait until I got back from New York".  There's nothing wrong with that.  He doesn't have to know your reasons -- it's your business. 

Tell him when you're ready, and not because some other timetable is forcing you to disclose earlier than you would otherwise.

PS -- Thanks to BearCub -- thought I was the only one on here that got it from oral. 



Offline Joe K

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Re: Dating Advice...
« Reply #6 on: April 27, 2012, 04:30:13 PM »
It would be helpful if those posters who claim they contracted HIV by oral sex, stated that it was their opinion, because you don't contract HIV through oral sex.  I'm not going to derail this thread, however readers need to know the TRUTH about the ways you contract HIV and oral sex IS NOT one of them.

Joe
« Last Edit: April 27, 2012, 04:33:49 PM by killfoile »
Life is what happens, when you are busy making other plans.

Though you may be only one person in the entire world, to one person, you may be the entire world.

I wish to become half the man, that my dog thinks I am.

Remember me with simple acts of kindness and I will live forever.

Online Miss Philicia

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Re: Dating Advice...
« Reply #7 on: April 27, 2012, 04:31:09 PM »
Some of you should convince the CDC to label oral sex as high risk. It seems as many of you gay boys are getting it from that as from filthy, deviant anal sex pig nastiness.
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline Azrael2012

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Re: Dating Advice...
« Reply #8 on: April 27, 2012, 05:37:03 PM »
 ;) Thats just NASTY!  :P :P

Offline Bearcub201

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Re: Dating Advice...
« Reply #9 on: April 27, 2012, 05:48:05 PM »
It would be helpful if those posters who claim they contracted HIV by oral sex, stated that it was their opinion, because you don't contract HIV through oral sex.  I'm not going to derail this thread, however readers need to know the TRUTH about the ways you contract HIV and oral sex IS NOT one of them.

Joe
While I love a heated debate, I'd rather not do it here. It comes down to numbers, I have only had anal sex with my partner, whether protected or not since my last two negative blood tests. I have taken risks in the past and get myself checked too. In my humble opinion, it's a smart thing to do(getting checked that is, not the risk taking).  I was diagnosed in the throes of Acute HIV Infection and I can do some simple math. I'm aware that sometimes people want to disbelieve things because it makes life different from expected. That's a fact of life. Things don't always turn out the way we want. I didn't want to get HIV from a blowie but I did. That's a fact too.

Some of you should convince the CDC to label oral sex as high risk. It seems as many of you gay boys are getting it from that as from filthy, deviant anal sex pig nastiness.
I am so deviant.... ROFL!!!

Offline Bearcub201

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Re: Dating Advice...
« Reply #10 on: April 27, 2012, 05:54:18 PM »

Should I wait to tell him and hold off oral until I get back because who knows if we'll even date then? Or what do you all think?

Oh yeah, I must've missed this part of the thread, I get tunnel vision at times... I'm sorry WRD_123
--Mike

Offline Joe K

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Re: Dating Advice...
« Reply #11 on: April 27, 2012, 07:23:29 PM »
While I love a heated debate, I'd rather not do it here. It comes down to numbers, I have only had anal sex with my partner, whether protected or not since my last two negative blood tests. I have taken risks in the past and get myself checked too. In my humble opinion, it's a smart thing to do(getting checked that is, not the risk taking).  I was diagnosed in the throes of Acute HIV Infection and I can do some simple math. I'm aware that sometimes people want to disbelieve things because it makes life different from expected. That's a fact of life. Things don't always turn out the way we want. I didn't want to get HIV from a blowie but I did. That's a fact too.

There is no debate.  You do not get HIV from oral sex.  You admit having anal sex and that IS a known vector of transmission, so there you go.  My goal is only to present the truth about the ways of contracting HIV, and by truth that means peer-reviewed studies on transmission.  You can find most of the studies referenced on these forums.  Your feelings do not substitute for the truth about transmission.  Again, you do not contract HIV from oral sex.

Joe
Life is what happens, when you are busy making other plans.

Though you may be only one person in the entire world, to one person, you may be the entire world.

I wish to become half the man, that my dog thinks I am.

Remember me with simple acts of kindness and I will live forever.

Offline denb45

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  • "1987 Classic Old School POZ+"
Re: Dating Advice...
« Reply #12 on: April 27, 2012, 08:03:32 PM »
Things don't always turn out the way we want. I didn't want to get HIV from a blowie but I did. That's a fact too.

I think that you are in denail about your HIV transmission, what's next are you gonna tell us all you got it from a toilet seat  ::) oh please don't even bother  ???
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline Hellraiser

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Re: Dating Advice...
« Reply #13 on: April 27, 2012, 08:22:33 PM »
I think that you are in denail about your HIV transmission, what's next are you gonna tell us all you got it from a toilet seat  ::) oh please don't even bother  ???

In addition to being de-nailed, you may be in Denial (sorry had to).

Oh and for the record I don't think anyone on these boards buys a story about getting HIV from oral sex.

Offline Rev. Moon

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Re: Dating Advice...
« Reply #14 on: April 27, 2012, 09:43:31 PM »

Oh and for the record I don't think anyone on these boards buys a story about getting HIV from oral sex.

I find it rather risible that so many people like to hang on to these "immaculate infection" fictions.  As if munching on a cock was any less gay (or more dietarily appropriate) than being anally plugged by an un-condomed penis.

Back in my neggie days, for many many years, I sucked more dick than a cheap fluffer (and two of my boyfriends were pozzies, one of them a rather generous pre-cumer) and yet I managed to not become infected. What a surprise.  It was only when I decided to have a bareback encounter with someone who was unaware of his own recent infection that things changed. 

This whole "my HIV is purer than yours" truly gets old and annoying. 
"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

Offline tednlou2

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Re: Dating Advice...
« Reply #15 on: April 28, 2012, 12:47:55 AM »
WRD, would you be ready to have sex now, if you weren't poz?  Or, would you want to develop a relationship for a while before getting intimate?  If you would normally wait anyway, you could go on to NYC, talk by phone and get to know each other better, and then pursue things when you get back--if you both are still interested.  If you would normally have gotten intimate by this point, then you should just go ahead and get it out there.  But, how long is several months?  Long-distant relationships often don't work out so well, as if that needed to be said.  However, he may really be head over heels for you and will be ready to pick up where ya left off. 


Offline WRD_123

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Re: Dating Advice...
« Reply #16 on: April 28, 2012, 01:48:17 AM »
I would definitely wait.  You've known the guy 5 weeks, you're going to NY for a couple of months, and you're newly diagnosed and disclosure is one of those topics that one has to sit with for a while to figure out.   

If he puts the move on you say something like "you know, I'd prefer to wait until I got back from New York".  There's nothing wrong with that.  He doesn't have to know your reasons -- it's your business. 

Tell him when you're ready, and not because some other timetable is forcing you to disclose earlier than you would otherwise.

Well said! I think I shall definitely wait...

WRD, would you be ready to have sex now, if you weren't poz?  Or, would you want to develop a relationship for a while before getting intimate? 

Good thoughts.. yeah I would normally wait a bit longer. I just felt some time crunch pressure, but I do think it is better to wait after hearing some input/ rethinking it over!

Offline denb45

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  • "1987 Classic Old School POZ+"
Re: Dating Advice...
« Reply #17 on: April 28, 2012, 07:39:34 AM »
In addition to being de-nailed, you may be in Denial (sorry had to).


Awe your a sweetheart Trey, sometimes the spell check don't work for for me  ;D
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: Dating Advice...
« Reply #18 on: April 28, 2012, 05:21:49 PM »
Awe your a sweetheart Trey, sometimes the spell check don't work for for me  ;D

I find that quite often I perfectly spell the absolutely wrong word. Oops.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

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