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Author Topic: Wife/Poz--Husband/Neg~SEX!!!!  (Read 2558 times)

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Offline LiveLaugh

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  • Posts: 22
Wife/Poz--Husband/Neg~SEX!!!!
« on: April 23, 2012, 10:44:54 AM »
So...Here goes--

We have been together for 3 years.  I tested Poz March 17, 2012.  Started Atripla April 6.  Of course we have been having sex for three years 2.5 unprotected....

He is of course really scared. He tells me he loves me and I have nothing to worry about.  I'm of course NOT stupid.  I have needs, and I KNOW he has needs and Also know that masterbation is not the answer to all those needs.  That after some time, saying everything will be OK, will relate to being lonely and leaving or cheating.  I dont want that we are both 40/41 and on our second marriage.  We have a WONDERFUL marriage otherwise and before this had a ROCKING kick ass Sex life (I am more sexual then him to be honest).  After my diagnosis,  At first he went online and read that he could not even kiss me because He could get HIV.  (we Take showers together-he read you could not use the same Soap???--) I told him he needs to go to a reputable site to get answers, the problem with that is....WHERE is a REPUTABLE site? Can someone help?  Book? Site?  Personal Info?  Here on this site?  I have done a lot of perusing this site and see many different answers here also. 

Yes, we like Oral, Yes, we like at times to get a little Kinky....Yes we Love Vaginal, and sometimes Anal.  We love Each other and each others body.  All of it. 

What can I do?  I dont want to loose him?  I dont know what to do to take his fear away?  I dont mind Giving him time to take this all in.  But Education is the key....

Id love to hear from some of my wonderful brothers and sisters that share the same life I will now live.....
Diagnosed
03.16.12 CD4 359  VL 359,679
04.06.12 Started Atripla
05.16.12 CD4 ---    VL    1,440

Offline Valmont

  • Member
  • Posts: 328
Re: Wife/Poz--Husband/Neg~SEX!!!!
« Reply #1 on: April 23, 2012, 12:38:09 PM »
Hi Livelaugh

Im in a very similar situation, right Im in a relation with a woman whom is negative and of course we want the situation to stay igual...

We are together for some months but never made sex with penetration, inclusive when I touch her, it is always with clothes...  She sometimes masturbate me always with a condom...

She is a doctor so about education, we should not have any problem, but fears and precaution are more important than objective risks and safe conducts...

I do like sex and it is a little frustrate to do it hat way, but I also understand her fears and want to protect her...  She is really suportive in regard with everything relationated with HIV, but sex is what we have to improve...

In the time, I notice she was each time more open to do thing, but it is a slow process...

You have to be very patient...  Of course having a bath and sharing the same soap does not mean any risk for you husband.  And it is the same in regard to most of sexual activites.  It is important for you to educate, maybe it could be great to go together to your doc and talk about this...

This web site is wonderful, youll find a lot of answer and t is very well documentated and serious.  I also like a lot http://www.thebody.com/

Take it easy, love and sex activities are different, Im sure your husband loves you a lot, give him some time, talk and talk and share what makes you worried each other...  Im sure that with time, things will be better.

An important thing is that you are on med, it is good for him because infection risk decrease a lot. 

I hope this could help you...

Apr 2011: Diagnotized
Jun 2011: CD4: 504  VL: 176.000
Dic 2011: CD4: 714  VL: 95.000
May 2012: CD4: 395 VL: 67.000
Jun 2012: CD4: 367
Agu 2012: Starting Emtricitabine 200 mg / Tenofovir 300 mg and Efavirenz 600 mg (2 pills) different brands or VIRADAY
Sep 2012: VL: 138
Dic 2012: CD4: 708 VL: <34  %CD4: 32%
Jan 2013: CD4: 707 VL: <20
May 2013: CD4: 945 VL: <34 %CD4: 33%
Agu 2013: CD4: 636 VL: <34 %CD4: 50% (is that possible?)

Offline jonesy

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  • Posts: 23
Re: Wife/Poz--Husband/Neg~SEX!!!!
« Reply #2 on: April 23, 2012, 02:42:46 PM »
Hi livelaugh.

I have been with my wife for near 11 years, I'm poz and she isn't. we have a varied sex life, oral, penetration and sometimes anal when I get lucky  ;).

it is difficult to filter through all the bull shit surrounding HIV and I understand it can be scary and difficult, especially for the partner.  Do you have access to any counselling/HIV support groups?  that would be a good place to start.

Kissing, soap sharing, toothbrush sharing are all safe.  Use condoms to eradicate the risk during penetration and all will be fine.  when your viral load reaches undetectable there is pretty much zero risk, however, i would still use condoms. 

Oral holds little risk in transferring the disease, but i cant comment as it is easier to transfer from poz male to female than poz female to male if cuts and sore are not present.

the internet can be a daunting place to find information, alot of it can be uninformed bull shit.  Where are you based?  I'm in the UK and have access to Terrance Higgins Trust specialists who will come to the house if need be to talk through issues and provide information.

There will also be people on here that have lived with the virus for years, and been in the same position as yourself, that will give sound advice that will help you guys.

I am very lucky that my wife is understanding, and has the ability to filter the poor advice from the good herself to the point she ends up informing me.

Stick at it, get counselling and you guys will be fine.  HIV is nothing to be scared of if precautions are taken.

Only have limited information myself, so hopefully others will chirp in with better advice for you.  maybe get him to join himself to ask what questions he has to alleviate his stresses and worries

stay strong

jonesy
18/04/2012 - CD4 - 330 / VL 48,000 Atripla started

Offline Blue75

  • Member
  • Posts: 53
Re: Wife/Poz--Husband/Neg~SEX!!!!
« Reply #3 on: April 23, 2012, 07:12:13 PM »
Hi LiveLaugh,

I'm am neg and my husband is poz, I completely understand his fear but educating himself will help a lot.  There is a place somewhere on this site that is very explanatory as far as how HIV is transmitted and the various precautions that need to be taken.  I have been with my husband for 15 years.  He was recently diagnosed 2 months ago; however, we believe he was exposed about 2 1/2 years ago.  That is all that time of us having unprotected sex and I'm negative.  However, once we found out, we use condoms.  I'm not a fan of them and neither is he but it is what it is.  We have them break on us, which I try not to worry too much about it.

I hope once he learns that you can't just get HIV with normal everyday life and that condoms will protect him, that you guys can get back to the sex you had before!  Good luck!
Husband:
2/14/12 Tested HIV+
3/16/12: CD4-216, VL-56,500
5/4/12: Started Atripla
5/7/12: CD4-184, VL-12,000 (Taken off Atripla after 3 days, awaiting liver testing) Started antibiotics.

Offline jkinatl2

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  • Posts: 6,007
  • Doo. Dah. Dipp-ity.
Re: Wife/Poz--Husband/Neg~SEX!!!!
« Reply #4 on: April 23, 2012, 07:28:05 PM »
I have had HIV since 1993, and as luck would have it, have had almost exclusively serodiscordant relationships. I didn't seek them out, but they sort of fell into my lap.

I use condoms for penetrative (anal) sex.

None of my partners has ever tested positive while we dated. A couple went out and seroconverted after, which really pissed me off. But my infection thus far has stopped with me.

I am seeing someone now, which is a really good motivating factor insofar as maintaining adherence to my meds. The lower the viral load, the less I need to worry - about my health or his. I would like to think I would have this motivation even in the absence of looking after another person, but well, I'll take my motivation where I can find it.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline LiveLaugh

  • Member
  • Posts: 22
Re: Wife/Poz--Husband/Neg~SEX!!!!
« Reply #5 on: April 25, 2012, 12:11:26 AM »
Thanks guys!  I will try to get him on the site to lay out some of his fears / thoughts.  I can have patience as long as he is willing to educate himself-which at this point has been very. Little. We just had a wonderful night. I worked all day. He had a class.  He came home. We had a wonderful kiss i made him dinner! We sat at The computer while he showed me what he learned in class .....i kiss on his ear and we giggled ....felt nice. We went to the bedroom and I asked to make out....and he cut off....again I felt like a lepper. I feel so horrible.  I feel like I have killed us. Ruined us. I don't know what to do. He fears doing anything but penetration with a condom and then even fears taking the condom off with his hand?????  First- my husband is slight OCD about clean.  We live in SE US 100% humidity....he takes 3-4+ showers a day during the summer. I feel so lost. Im scared I have lost my love.....the one that makes me have butterflies we he touches me. And those butterflies flop when he kisses me!
Diagnosed
03.16.12 CD4 359  VL 359,679
04.06.12 Started Atripla
05.16.12 CD4 ---    VL    1,440

Offline atlanta05

  • Member
  • Posts: 18
Re: Wife/Poz--Husband/Neg~SEX!!!!
« Reply #6 on: April 26, 2012, 06:58:36 AM »
Hi LiveLaugh,

You don't have to feel like a leper. You're not one!

Your husband is going to need some education about HIV and how it is 'got' by people...

He won't get it by using the same soap as you,

...or removing a condom after sex,

...or kissing you,

...or pretty much anything except ingesting your blood or vaginal juices.

Do try to get him on the site here - he can learn exactly what is OK and not recommended for neg partners - and, has he been tested?

I'm sure he'll come around. In our house I'm the clean-freak and also the poz one. We have a completely normal life together, including sex, apart from my magic pills every night and rubbers. That really ain't so bad.

All the best!

Offline Torchwood

  • Member
  • Posts: 48
Re: Wife/Poz--Husband/Neg~SEX!!!!
« Reply #7 on: May 06, 2012, 07:17:49 PM »
I am Poz, my wife is neg. We only had sex a couple of times in 2.5 years because I was scared of infecting her. Condoms, c'mon. You get married to be with just that person, not be in high school/college and use condoms for protection. It sucked. My fears were bad enough that I could not get an erection. Now that I am UND, we've started to relearn each other sexually, getting more intimate and having a completely fulfilling relationship as it should be instead of being just best friends living together. We've been together for over 8 years now and she's still with me. I still have no reason why.
Discovered 4/2006
VL: 1600
CD4: 1005
Started Complera 10/2011
VL: 48,500
CD4: 570
1/17/12
VL: Undetectable
CD4: 890
4/12
VL: Undetectable
CD4: 895
11/12
VL: Undetectable
CD4: 1193
4/12
VL: Undetectable
CD4: 1461

Offline carlydavids

  • Member
  • Posts: 4
    • AIDS to Life
Re: Wife/Poz--Husband/Neg~SEX!!!!
« Reply #8 on: May 06, 2012, 07:47:36 PM »
Hi,

I totally understand where you are coming from. My husband is HIV poz and Im neg, but when we met we did not know that he had HIV and we had a lot of very risky "swinging from the chandeliers" type sex! When he found out that he was poz his viral load was 5.5 million!!!! And guess what... I never seroconverted! This isn't to say that afterwords that we continued to have unsafe sex, infact we got so paranoid for a while and didn't wana do anything. But over time you filter through all the crap that is out there and learn what really is risky and what is not.

Honestly, I wouldn't recommend sharing toothbrushes as someone mentioned, purely because gums bleed sometimes and that's no bueno! But we have a fully and rich sex life, I give him oral all the time, but we just stop before he gets close to finishing and then slap a condom on and continue the fun!

All you need is condoms! They are the best, even though they kinda suck, but they are what allow us to still have an amazing sex life!

It takes time to loose the fear and get comfortable with sticking with condoms, in fact I've just written a book about mine and my husband's HIV journey and it's due to be released June 27th online (www.AIDStoLife.com). I wrote it as a guide for people like yourself and your otherhalf because I feel that there is a severe lack of information out there, especially when the diagnosis is all brand new it can be very overwhelming. I've been uploading free chapters to the website if you wanna have a look. It's good to know that you are not alone and neither is your man! Get him online too because he needs to get educated too. You are the one who is poz, but he is on this journey with you also. Dont worry, it gets better :)

All my love xxxx

Offline jkinatl2

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  • Posts: 6,007
  • Doo. Dah. Dipp-ity.
Re: Wife/Poz--Husband/Neg~SEX!!!!
« Reply #9 on: May 07, 2012, 12:44:48 AM »
I am always baffled when I come across ignorance and misinformation regarding HIV transmission within the HIV positive community.

Isn't it our duty to understand the virus we carry? Isn't that the only way we can make responsible and rational decisions?

Just baffled.
"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline LiveLaugh

  • Member
  • Posts: 22
Re: Wife/Poz--Husband/Neg~SEX!!!!
« Reply #10 on: May 08, 2012, 10:37:23 AM »
I am always baffled when I come across ignorance and misinformation regarding HIV transmission within the HIV positive community.

Isn't it our duty to understand the virus we carry? Isn't that the only way we can make responsible and rational decisions?

Just baffled.

Id LOVE some Input?  Id Love Better Education.Info? Sites? PM me if youd like?    I Think I have the understanding.  I want some REAL facts and transmission and REAL Numbers to present to my husband.   I One Continue to tell him Transmission from Me to him is Not as easy  as Him to me.  Obviously if I got it from Sex it was before him so I have had it the entire 3.5 years we have been together and we have sex...A LOT!  SO...to say he has not had his risk transmission is out there.  Plus, I have explained to him, the primary is use of condoms.  And being safe.  We can still have romance, passion and fun.  Its not put a condom on.  Get the Wam, bam thank you maam and your done.  You can still have a Sex life and have a love life.  I love my husband dearly and he loves me...I know this for a fact, but I also KNOW that he is 41 and his Sex drive is Great...and he would eventually seek others....Im not stupid....Men and woman have needs....They just do.  I finally got him to join this site, and he will be reading various post.  I am trying to get him to Post.  He has this thing about not realizing you are just a name on a forum....its Not transparent...people dont see you.  So, that is a hurdle I am trying to jump over now.  We are in love, I am trying to give him time,  But everyday He makes me feel like this, is everyday I feel like I should give up and let him be happier without me. and that kills me.  Because I love him so much.
Diagnosed
03.16.12 CD4 359  VL 359,679
04.06.12 Started Atripla
05.16.12 CD4 ---    VL    1,440

Offline jkinatl2

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  • Posts: 6,007
  • Doo. Dah. Dipp-ity.
Re: Wife/Poz--Husband/Neg~SEX!!!!
« Reply #11 on: May 08, 2012, 04:45:47 PM »
Id LOVE some Input?  Id Love Better Education.Info? Sites? PM me if youd like?    I Think I have the understanding.  I want some REAL facts and transmission and REAL Numbers to present to my husband.   I One Continue to tell him Transmission from Me to him is Not as easy  as Him to me.  Obviously if I got it from Sex it was before him so I have had it the entire 3.5 years we have been together and we have sex...A LOT!  SO...to say he has not had his risk transmission is out there.  Plus, I have explained to him, the primary is use of condoms.  And being safe.  We can still have romance, passion and fun.  Its not put a condom on.  Get the Wam, bam thank you maam and your done.  You can still have a Sex life and have a love life.  I love my husband dearly and he loves me...I know this for a fact, but I also KNOW that he is 41 and his Sex drive is Great...and he would eventually seek others....Im not stupid....Men and woman have needs....They just do.  I finally got him to join this site, and he will be reading various post.  I am trying to get him to Post.  He has this thing about not realizing you are just a name on a forum....its Not transparent...people dont see you.  So, that is a hurdle I am trying to jump over now.  We are in love, I am trying to give him time,  But everyday He makes me feel like this, is everyday I feel like I should give up and let him be happier without me. and that kills me.  Because I love him so much.

Well you could start with the lessons on this site. AIDSMEDS has more or less the most up to date and state of the art transmission theory going on. I say this with the advanced hubris of having participated in that section.

Basically, if you are a female and have an undetectable viral load, you present almost no risk no matter what you do with your husband, even without a condom.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline Assurbanipal

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  • Posts: 2,173
  • Taking a forums break, still see PM's
Re: Wife/Poz--Husband/Neg~SEX!!!!
« Reply #12 on: May 27, 2012, 07:52:33 AM »
Id LOVE some Input?  Id Love Better Education.Info? Sites? PM me if youd like?    I Think I have the understanding.  I want some REAL facts and transmission and REAL Numbers to present to my husband.   I One Continue to tell him Transmission from Me to him is Not as easy  as Him to me.  Obviously if I got it from Sex it was before him so I have had it the entire 3.5 years we have been together and we have sex...A LOT!  SO...to say he has not had his risk transmission is out there.  Plus, I have explained to him, the primary is use of condoms.  And being safe.  We can still have romance, passion and fun.  Its not put a condom on.  Get the Wam, bam thank you maam and your done.  You can still have a Sex life and have a love life.  I love my husband dearly and he loves me...I know this for a fact, but I also KNOW that he is 41 and his Sex drive is Great...and he would eventually seek others....Im not stupid....Men and woman have needs....They just do.  I finally got him to join this site, and he will be reading various post.  I am trying to get him to Post.  He has this thing about not realizing you are just a name on a forum....its Not transparent...people dont see you.  So, that is a hurdle I am trying to jump over now.  We are in love, I am trying to give him time,  But everyday He makes me feel like this, is everyday I feel like I should give up and let him be happier without me. and that kills me.  Because I love him so much.

A couple of people mentioned the transmission lessons on this site, but they can be a bit hard to find if you don't know where to look (in the menu they are a subtopic under a larger topic that doesn't sound particularly like it is about transmission).

Here's a link.  http://www.aidsmeds.com/cn/printView.php?page=/articles/Transmission_9969.shtml&domain=www.aidsmeds.com

Do they address the types of questions you have?
5/06 VL 1M+, CD4 22, 5% , pneumonia, thrush -- O2 support 2 months, 6/06 +Kaletra/Truvada
9/06 VL 3959 CD4 297 13.5% 12/06 VL <400 CD4 350 15.2% +Pravachol
2007 VL<400, 70, 50 CD4 408-729 16.0% -19.7%
2008 VL UD CD4 468 - 538 16.7% - 24.6% Osteoporosis 11/08 doubled Pravachol, +Calcium/D
02/09 VL 100 CD4 616 23.7% 03/09 VL 130 5/09 VL 100 CD4 540 28.4% +Actonel (osteoporosis) 7/09 VL 130
8/09  new regimen Isentress/Epzicom 9/09 VL UD CD4 621 32.7% 11/09 VL UD CD4 607 26.4% swap Isentress for Prezista/Norvir 12/09 (liver and muscle issues) VL 50
2010 VL UD CD4 573-680 26.1% - 30.9% 12/10 VL 20
2011 VL UD-20 CD4 568-673 24.7%-30.6%
2012 VL UD swap Prezista/Norvir for Reyataz drop statin CD4 768-828 26.7%-30.7%

Offline mpositive

  • Member
  • Posts: 297
Re: Wife/Poz--Husband/Neg~SEX!!!!
« Reply #13 on: May 29, 2012, 07:47:19 PM »
Just wanted to chime in.  Someone up top mentioned that it is nearly impossible for a women to transfer to a man via vaginal sex.  Well, it may be less frequent.....but....certainly not impossible. I got infected by vaginal sex.  Although at first, before I got educated here, I was certain it was because of me giving her oral sex/  I then got educated....and as it turns out, the tip of penis.....that tiny little hole.....well, it is like a magnet....so, please do use condoms and don't take a chance.  Other than that....the folks here are AWESOME.....they are extremely helpful.

Offline LiveLaugh

  • Member
  • Posts: 22
Re: Wife/Poz--Husband/Neg~SEX!!!!
« Reply #14 on: May 30, 2012, 07:53:52 PM »
Thank you all!  We def would NEVER have penetration without Condoms.  As far as oral...I dont know that will ever happen again. BUT there is much more to do then just oral and penetration to have fun with sex/enjoy a love life.  I will Def keep all of this in mind and listen to all of this info.  That is why I wanted to ask this and wanted some answers here vs. getting info from the Internet at random.  You guys have been there done that.  I am very happy to say things are getting better already and VL as of last week is 1440!  Awesome for just being on Atripla for One month!  thanks to ALL of you....THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!
Diagnosed
03.16.12 CD4 359  VL 359,679
04.06.12 Started Atripla
05.16.12 CD4 ---    VL    1,440

 


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