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Author Topic: just venting frustrations  (Read 3982 times)

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Offline zach

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just venting frustrations
« on: April 10, 2012, 07:57:29 PM »
in early december of last year i had a pretty big realization; my emotional, mental, mood, personality, problems are bigger (or more difficult to manage) than aids. and the resulting behaviors were the biggest contributing factor to my infection.

good step admitting that to myself, and dragging my angry ass into a shrink for some help.

so now here i am, four months later. bipolar, prescribed seroquel, and running into brick walls repeatedly trying to get preapproval from my insurance company.

last time i had this issue was with atripla, good thing i don't "need" the seroquel everyday.

and cognitive behavioral therapy really blows


Offline james3000

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Re: just venting frustrations
« Reply #1 on: April 10, 2012, 08:39:30 PM »
Your Not alone.
Same here !

Offline Ann

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    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: just venting frustrations
« Reply #2 on: April 11, 2012, 07:44:56 AM »
That's great news Zach. I had a similar realisation in the early days too and while it might be a somewhat uncomfortable realisation, good things will come from it. I'm glad to hear you've sought out therapy to help you along. You deserve a pat on the back and a big hug.

((((((Zach))))))

I had to chuckle a little when you said "cognitive behavioral therapy really blows", but not in a laughing at you way, more in a aw, you poor guy way. I know what you're going through.

It blows because it teaches you how to stop thinking thoughts that are detrimental to your well-being.

These thought patterns are familiar and comfortable, even if they're not doing you any good. We don't like it when something familiar and comfortable is taken away from us - and yes, you'll probably resent it in the beginning. It's completely normal to feel that way, but it will pass in time.

Keep at it Zach. Keep doing the exercises etc the therapist gives you. Once you get the hang of it you really will start to feel better. Trust me hun. CBT works wonders - but you have to work at it and push through the uncomfortable bits in the beginning. It's worth it!

Hang in there, you can do it!

Good luck!
Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Online Miss Philicia

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Re: just venting frustrations
« Reply #3 on: April 11, 2012, 11:31:55 AM »
Hey Zach -- CBT can be difficult at first but the more you stick with it you'll realize how much it really helps. It's definitely not like a light switch that works instantly on/off but it does work wonders over time. I hope you will continue to add to this thread about your progress.

Best of luck.
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline zach

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Re: just venting frustrations
« Reply #4 on: April 11, 2012, 12:35:38 PM »
thanks for the laugh guys... i hadn't made the acronym connection, where i work we have cbt's, computer based training, and i once rather loudly stated that everytime i hear cbt i think of cock and ball torture... just as that came out of my mouth some ladies from HR were walking through my shop...

cbt's have never been the same around here since

Offline osric

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Re: just venting frustrations
« Reply #5 on: April 19, 2012, 04:18:39 PM »
and cognitive behavioral therapy really blows
How did you manage to get into a CBT program? I did some of the exercises during a partial hospital program a few years ago but I haven't been able to find anywhere that actually teaches it. (And I'm not the kind of person who can follow a program like that on my own.)

Online Miss Philicia

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Re: just venting frustrations
« Reply #6 on: April 19, 2012, 04:38:47 PM »
How did you manage to get into a CBT program? I did some of the exercises during a partial hospital program a few years ago but I haven't been able to find anywhere that actually teaches it. (And I'm not the kind of person who can follow a program like that on my own.)

Just locate a licensed psychotherapist that does it. All of the ones I've seen over the past 12 years knew how to do it. Are you currently in therapy?
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline OneTampa

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Re: just venting frustrations
« Reply #7 on: April 19, 2012, 08:39:07 PM »
thanks for the laugh guys... i hadn't made the acronym connection, where i work we have cbt's, computer based training, and i once rather loudly stated that everytime i hear cbt i think of cock and ball torture... just as that came out of my mouth some ladies from HR were walking through my shop...

cbt's have never been the same around here since

Zach,

I also work in the testing field and CBT (computer-based testing) was the first thought that came to my mind too.

As Ann and Ms. P. advised, please get competent medical help and stick with the exercises.

Take care.
"He is my oldest child. The shy and retiring one over there with the Haitian headdress serving pescaŪto frito."

Offline zach

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Re: just venting frustrations
« Reply #8 on: April 20, 2012, 10:29:17 AM »
Zach,

I also work in the testing field and CBT (computer-based testing) was the first thought that came to my mind too.

As Ann and Ms. P. advised, please get competent medical help and stick with the exercises.

Take care.

thanks, but i'm sticking with the cock and ball torture, sounds more fun, at least more tolerable

actually, big huge mea culpe here, and apologies to any concerned. i gave up for a moment.

i left town, and wasn't planning on touching any bases again. i am somewhere safe, (south of you tampa) trying to get my head together in private.

i did realize something, in the lingo i think its called a breakthrough.

i'm not being honest with my therapist, i'm being way to nice, to social, to well spoken... i'm feeding him bullshit because i know what he wants to hear. i was good at that even as a kid, wish i hadn't done it then. don't understand why i still do it. one thing i can see is that i'm better at it as an adult. he's a smart guy, i think he's picked up on it but was letting me get around to cutting the crap without calling me on it. if i don't show him the "dark side" he's not really going to be able to help.

i've been writing for two days nonstop, something i haven't done in years. i'm not sure if it helps or hurts. stare to long into the mirror and it stares back, there are some dark areas of my psyche that i decided long ago are best left undisturbed.

i was sitting at a bus stop in st pete a few days ago, across from a used book store, dropped in to kill time. kerouac, big sur, .99 cents   y'all may not understand this but it was a reality check, that may have saved me.

 >:( >:( >:( >:(INSERT MEDCO RANT AND RAGE HERE  >:( >:( >:( >:(
« Last Edit: April 20, 2012, 10:31:10 AM by zach »

Offline Ann

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    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: just venting frustrations
« Reply #9 on: April 20, 2012, 11:41:06 AM »
Writing helps, it definitely helps. Journaling has gotten me through some pretty dark days.

At least you know what you're doing with the bullshitting. Knowing what you're doing is half the battle, so keep at it. Thanks for being honest with us, at least. And keep being honest with yourself, even when it's painful. It's the only way forward, trust me.

(((((Zach))))
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline zach

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Re: just venting frustrations
« Reply #10 on: April 22, 2012, 08:35:59 PM »
Worried about the next couple days, weighing the fallout from this. Expext to lose my car, couldnt afford it anyway. May lose my job, wonder how realistic self management is. Have heard of international pharmacies selling atripla for 150 a bottle. True?
« Last Edit: April 22, 2012, 08:45:40 PM by zach »

Offline thunter34

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  • His name is Carl.
Re: just venting frustrations
« Reply #11 on: April 22, 2012, 08:38:00 PM »
I


AM


HERE.
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline zach

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Re: just venting frustrations
« Reply #12 on: April 22, 2012, 08:42:18 PM »
I know tim, but im not, im in south florida

Offline thunter34

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Re: just venting frustrations
« Reply #13 on: April 22, 2012, 08:51:43 PM »
I know tim, but im not, im in south florida

Well I pretty much meant "here" as in here for you...emotionally and psychologically and all that - not just geographically.

And I mean that, Zach.  There isn't much about this sort of stuff that I haven't gone through myself (and still am on some levels), and there is absolutely nothing that can't be tabled with me.

Seriously.

The most condensed way I know to say it at this point is just that:  I am here.
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline thunter34

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Re: just venting frustrations
« Reply #14 on: April 22, 2012, 08:53:55 PM »
...and I'm also available for cock and ball torture.
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline zach

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Re: just venting frustrations
« Reply #15 on: April 23, 2012, 07:33:11 PM »
Well I pretty much meant "here" as in here for you...emotionally and psychologically and all that - not just geographically.

And I mean that, Zach.  There isn't much about this sort of stuff that I haven't gone through myself (and still am on some levels), and there is absolutely nothing that can't be tabled with me.

Seriously.

The most condensed way I know to say it at this point is just that:  I am here.
:'( :-* :)
and i know that tim. love you man

Offline zach

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Re: just venting frustrations
« Reply #16 on: April 24, 2012, 08:45:22 PM »
my coping mechanism is unhealthy, counter productive, and self destructive. but its what i did

packed a backpack, parked my vehicle in the banks' lot, dropped the keys and corporate id in night deposit. took the battery out of my phone. hopped a greyhound. and have been camping in a buddies barn for a couple weeks now.

Offline thunter34

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Re: just venting frustrations
« Reply #17 on: April 24, 2012, 09:40:17 PM »
my coping mechanism is unhealthy, counter productive, and self destructive. but its what i did

packed a backpack, parked my vehicle in the banks' lot, dropped the keys and corporate id in night deposit. took the battery out of my phone. hopped a greyhound. and have been camping in a buddies barn for a couple weeks now.

Read, but at a complete loss what to say right now.
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: just venting frustrations
« Reply #18 on: April 24, 2012, 10:16:26 PM »
my coping mechanism is unhealthy, counter productive, and self destructive. but its what i did

packed a backpack, parked my vehicle in the banks' lot, dropped the keys and corporate id in night deposit. took the battery out of my phone. hopped a greyhound. and have been camping in a buddies barn for a couple weeks now.

Zach, I hope that things turn around and get brighter for you.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline Jeff G

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Re: just venting frustrations
« Reply #19 on: April 24, 2012, 11:04:28 PM »
Hi Zack ... I hoping you check in here and let us know how you are doing . Just know I'm thinking about you and sending some positive thoughts your way for a better day .

Offline zach

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Re: just venting frustrations
« Reply #20 on: April 25, 2012, 01:43:10 AM »
last night i had a beer with a billy goat, this morning i midwifed a nanny birthing a kid. tonight i killed and cleaned the chicken that fed a bunch of nieces and nephews. then for a bedtime story i performed where the wild things are. i am with family i love deeply.

i always have a good job here doing work i enjoy and am good at. i'd rather be happy screening pool enclosures than be miserable rebuilding aircraft wheels.

they say you can never truely go home. the only reason i left here in the first place was a hurricane then the economy right behind. when i was diagnosed i was living in the last place on earth i want to live. at first i felt stuck. now i don't.

i'm happier here.

i know i've got some difficult questions to answer, but tomorrow i'm going to rescreen a lanai


Offline Jeff G

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Re: just venting frustrations
« Reply #21 on: April 25, 2012, 05:50:13 AM »
I'm happier here , is very good to hear , thanks for checking in .

Its good to know you are employed and doing something to occupy your mind and hands . I'm not sure if you are on meds yet so please take care of yourself , happier and healthy would be a great update when you get the time in between birthin baby's and chicken killing . 

Offline Buckmark

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Re: just venting frustrations
« Reply #22 on: April 25, 2012, 10:15:51 AM »
Zach,

It's good to hear from you.  It sounds like you are in a better place, literally and figuratively. 


...
at first i felt stuck. now i don't.
...

It feels good to be moving forward

Quote
i'm happier here.

This says it all. :)

Quote
i know i've got some difficult questions to answer, but tomorrow i'm going to rescreen a lanai

I hope you continue to work on your issues, and work on taking care of yourself.

Let us know how the lanai turns out!

Henry
"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:
     One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.
     The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love."
- Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

Offline zach

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Re: just venting frustrations (this is getting deep for me)
« Reply #23 on: May 18, 2012, 04:30:52 PM »
caveat, i'm drunk and just smoked weed for the first time in years...

i need to stop pussy foot analyzing my way around some simple truths that aren't so simple to live with.

the role of confession in CBT's (and its catholic repercussions)

my own personal demons

i was abused as a child, but i also became an abuser as a child. the guilt i feel from the harm i caused my family is my greatest turmoil.

when i was twelve i sexually molested by seven year old brother.

there is more to this story, and much of it as an adult i can view objectively and sympathetically even.

but at its most basic. i damned my soul in that act.
« Last Edit: May 18, 2012, 04:48:34 PM by zach »

Offline zach

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Re: just venting frustrations
« Reply #24 on: May 18, 2012, 04:47:42 PM »
i haven't taken atripla in over a month, and i've left my job/insurance, i moved back to a place/time in my life when i was happy, and i'm waiting it out here.

 


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