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Author Topic: Hello everyone. New and venting.  (Read 2815 times)

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Offline whatcanI tell ya?

  • Member
  • Posts: 10
Hello everyone. New and venting.
« on: September 26, 2006, 11:10:35 PM »
Hi everyone, I am happy to be part of this great online family. My name  -- whatcanI tell ya? and i live in CA. I was diagnosed with HIV sometime in 03 and I have been doing very will since then. I was on viracept and combivir at some point because I was pregnant at the time I discovered the I was infected. At first like every other person , I was devastated and felt as if life had no meaning. Three years later, I am not still not on any medication and my doctors are of the opinion that I may be able to go without meds for a long time. I am really grateful to God because I am alive and I have two kids to look after. They make my life bearable.

But then........

Everyday I ask myself the same question. What is HIV and why is it hard to find a cure. Everyday, I get lonelier as time goes by even though I have my kids. I look to my job for consolation, but it does not fill that void in me.  I am too scared to enter into relationships because i hate the disclosure part. I am trying hard not to feel sorry for myself. I tell myself I just need a nice person that will understand and know that there is life after HIV. But where is he......? I  look to friends and family....yet this empty feeling is still there. It just would not go away!.  The question for me is .... Is there life after HIV?  Will I ever be able to let go? .......The question for me then is AM I DEAD? I dunno. What can i tell ya?  I need my life back. My heart cries out daily for love..... It just echoes back to me. EMPTY. It is  a lonely world out there. Trust me.... I  am living it. I am not sure if it would have made any difference if i wasn't living with HIV. Then I can be bold..... dunno. What can I tell ya?

I am just happy to be here. Then I can vent. Thanks for this forum. I feel better already.Maybe I am not yet  dead!!!
Do not ask for a smaller load, rather ask for a stronger back. --unknown.

I can no longer shed tears becos I no longer feel pain. Am I better now or am I the same person?  I do not know. What can I tell ya?

Offline Sky

  • Member
  • Posts: 225
    • Myspace
Re: Hello everyone. New and venting.
« Reply #1 on: September 26, 2006, 11:16:24 PM »
Welcome!  I, too, have been poz since 2003 and much like yourself the docs think I can go a while without medication.  The last 3.5 years have had their ups and downs for me, but one thing I can tell ya...you're far from dead!  I actually went back and finished my degree and I actually thank HIV for making me get off my ass and do so.  Otherwise, who knows what I'd be doing now.  Come here and vent as much as you need to, everyone else does  :D
Poz since 2003.

Offline whatcanI tell ya?

  • Member
  • Posts: 10
Re: Hello everyone. New and venting.
« Reply #2 on: September 26, 2006, 11:31:52 PM »
Thanks Sky, I appreciate your positive words. I believe I can live again.I  just need courage and faith.
Do not ask for a smaller load, rather ask for a stronger back. --unknown.

I can no longer shed tears becos I no longer feel pain. Am I better now or am I the same person?  I do not know. What can I tell ya?

Offline Eldon

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,664
Re: Hello everyone. New and venting.
« Reply #3 on: September 26, 2006, 11:33:56 PM »
Hello Whatcan I tell ya, it is Eldon.

First of all I wish to extend to you a warm WELCOME here to the forums. Actually, here you will find communication, understanding, support, some cries, some laughter, and many of your questions answered relating to HIV/AIDS. Here, there is a lot of information at your disposal and please DO feel free to read through it to bring you up to speed. We have a great group of people here that will listen as well as answer you.

It is unfortunate that you have tested HIV positive and you have (2) two children. My hat is off to you for being ever so strong to get through this. You are not alone. As far as that void or something missing inside of you, remain positive by all means and you will find HIM. When you least expect HIM then HIM will be in your life before you even realize it.

Stay focused on your job and do the BEST that you can do each day. Feel free as Charlie has said to come and vent from time-to-time in the forum.

Again, Welcome! and make the BEST of each Day!

Offline whatcanI tell ya?

  • Member
  • Posts: 10
Re: Hello everyone. New and venting.
« Reply #4 on: September 26, 2006, 11:47:21 PM »
Thank you so much Eldon for your kind words. I appreciate it.
Do not ask for a smaller load, rather ask for a stronger back. --unknown.

I can no longer shed tears becos I no longer feel pain. Am I better now or am I the same person?  I do not know. What can I tell ya?

Offline Teresa

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,753
Re: Hello everyone. New and venting.
« Reply #5 on: September 27, 2006, 12:43:14 AM »
Hello and Welcome!

Glad you found us! There is a great group of people here that will give you love and the support you need.

Again Welcome!

Hugs Teresa
Hubby HIV+ 5/5/06
CD4:320
  %: 26.7
 VL: <20
Atripla (started it 8/24/06)
 

Offline unfair

  • Member
  • Posts: 6
Re: Hello everyone. New and venting.
« Reply #6 on: September 27, 2006, 12:54:36 AM »
Hi all. Im new to the forum. I would like to say that Im here because of my brother who's been tested HIV +ve.
We are trying to provide him with all the support we can so that he doesnt feel that he is alone.
I hope to learn many things about the life of HIV infected people so that I can help him out.
Thanks.

Offline LatinAlexander

  • Member
  • Posts: 599
  • Bogota, Colombia
Re: Hello everyone. New and venting.
« Reply #7 on: September 27, 2006, 01:44:43 AM »
WELCOME ALL OF YOU!!!! This place is simply a lovely and warm blanket for many of us...

Alex
Poz since Jul 19 2006
Initial numbers : CD4-250 VL 3500
First labs after HAART (Dec 04-2006) : CD4-432 VL-<40 (Undetectable)  cd4%=25.11%
Started HAART: Combivir+Efavirenz Aug 26 7:38 pm
Feb 08 2007 - Gradually stopping HAART cause of Myalgia. Protecting Efavirenz. Stopped Efavirenz, ahead with Combivir....
February 17 Combivir stopped.
April 3 -07 : Started ddi+3tc+efavirenz...
Gay and positive (What a lack of Identity...:) )
Looking for my Ben....

Offline frenchpat

  • Member
  • Posts: 516
  • Love your friends, don't eat them.
Re: Hello everyone. New and venting.
« Reply #8 on: September 27, 2006, 03:49:31 AM »
Bonjour What,

first of all, a very warm welcome here!
I am of the 03 vintage myself but already on meds and very much alive. And let me reassure you: you are ALIVE! ;D
I've been visiting here for a few months and found support, information and help beyond my expectations. This is a great place and you being part of it now makes it even better. I admire you for your strength in dealing with hiv and raising a family. And when things get a bit tough or lonely, take it slow.

Pat
People have the power - Patti Smith

Offline megasept

  • Member
  • Posts: 478
  • Steven here...
Re: Here for a Brother
« Reply #9 on: September 27, 2006, 05:18:31 AM »
Wow! Your Brother is lucky.  ;)

My Sibling and his then-wife (lol),  spent a good year and a half trying to figure out if I was positive (more than ten years back). Their interest revolved around our Parents' estate. So much for "family".
[/i]
I've been poz since 1991. I lifted weights tonite. I work in construction, among other activities. No dementia yet, though some would argue that point. Chances are your Brother has a long fruitful life ahead. My Specialist would say he should worry about heart disease, an old folk's problem.

Seriously. It is wonderful you are online for your Family member. Bless you! 8)

Offline penguin

  • Member
  • Posts: 747
  • The Penguin Whisperer
Re: Hello everyone. New and venting.
« Reply #10 on: September 27, 2006, 05:28:21 AM »
hello, to both of you, welcome  :)

Kate

Offline aztecan

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,358
  • 28 years positive, 56 years a pain in the butt
Re: Hello everyone. New and venting.
« Reply #11 on: September 27, 2006, 10:20:23 AM »
Howdy to all of you!

Welcome to the family here. I hope you find this place as warm and supportive as I have.

OK, What can I tell ya?, your life isn't over. Sometimes it seems like HIV overshadows all other things in our lives, but that only continues if we allow it.
Understand you are not alone, especially now. We are family and you are stuck with us.  ;D
Please come here as often as you like, vent , rant, or just talk.

Unfair, welcome as well. Your brother is lucky to have you standing with him. Please feel free to ask questions or voice concerns whenever you wish. Your brother is also welcome when/if he decides he would like to take part.

Jackofalltrades, what can I say. Welcome! You are young and this is all still pretty new to you. If you haven't yet. take a gander at the lessons here. They can give a nice overview of things. But join in here and make yoursefl at home.

To all of you, please take good care of yourselves and remember you are not alone. We are here for you and, believe it or not, you may find you will make some fast friends here. I know I have.

Just so you know, I have lived with the bug for more than 21 years now, been on meds for the past decade and am doing very well. I live a full life, sometimes a little too busy, but, that's the way it goes.

See, there is life after HIV!   :D 8)

HUGS,

Mark
"May your life preach more loudly than your lips."
~ William Ellery Channing (Unitarian Minister)

Offline blondbeauty

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,785
Re: Hello everyone. New and venting.
« Reply #12 on: September 27, 2006, 10:26:59 AM »
Welcome! Having two children is really being alive. Of course there is life after HIV. And it is beautiful.
The only member in these forums approved by WINBA: World International Nail and Beauty Association.
Epstein Barr +; CMV +; Toxoplasmosis +; HIV-1 +.
Counts when starting treatment:
V.L.:80.200 copies. CD4: 25%=503
Started Sustiva-Truvada 14/August/2006
Last V.L.count (Oct 2013): Undetectable
Last CD4 count (OCT 2013): 52%= 933

Offline Iggy

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,435
Re: Hello everyone. New and venting.
« Reply #13 on: September 27, 2006, 10:28:50 AM »
.
« Last Edit: January 12, 2007, 09:10:43 PM by Iggy »

Offline david25luvit

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,409
  • Member since March 2005
Re: Hello everyone. New and venting.
« Reply #14 on: September 27, 2006, 11:30:19 AM »
What can you tell me....Hmm!
Maybe something to call you....perhaps!
For the time being I'll call you Good Buddy...........

                 Welcome to the forum....  I dare say your sentiments are shared by many.  Indeed you are fortunate
to have your family (kids) and one day when you're ready...perhaps that "special" person will come along.  But then
I'm a hopeless romantic........What do I know.  Now you have another family....and one who understands exactly
what you're going thru.  Keep in mind they've been working on a cure for all sorts of illness' and have yet to find a
cure for them........Since you're not on med's yet....seems like you've got it pretty sweet at the moment....
No hassles with side effects...affording outrageously priced medications or juggling government programs to just
survive...so all in all.........you're doing pretty well HUH?  I do understand that DEPRESSION is our worst enemy and
that's one you haven't been spared so hang in there Good Buddy.........

                   As far as Disclosure..........You can work on that.  Have you thought of seeing a therapist or joining a support group?  Just asking............

Welcome to the family..................
In Memory of
Raymond David McRae III
Nov. 25, 1972- Oct. 15, 2004
I miss him terribly..........

Offline SunshineBreeze

  • Member
  • Posts: 13
    • Caribbean HIV/AIDS awareness portal
Re: Hello everyone. New and venting.
« Reply #15 on: September 27, 2006, 12:03:10 PM »
what can I tell ya,

There is life after HIV or AIDS. I am living with HIV for eight years now and has never been on any of the medications. My life is going great by the grace of God, i have three kids before being diagnosed, seven grandchildren and a boyfriend.

My boyfriend as of one year two months is HIV negative he knows all about me and accept me for who i am as a person. We have safe sex and everything is good.

what can I tell ya, as time go by someone will come into your life when you lease expect it and he will love you for you. Give it time. I had many rejections in my life after I told that i have HIV and i had given up in having a relationship and one day i was out doing outreach and out of the blue love came into my life.

It can happen to you or anyone, don't give up. There is life after HIV!
TOO BLESSED TO STRESSED!!!!!

Offline whatcanI tell ya?

  • Member
  • Posts: 10
Re: Hello everyone. New and venting.
« Reply #16 on: September 27, 2006, 05:32:31 PM »
Hi everyone,

Thank you so much for the support and love. I appreciate it you guys.  I just want to thank each and everyone of you individually because that is the way I feel, grateful.

Sunshine Breeze, thanks for sharing your story with me. Jack, thanks for making me feel better. You called me darling that gladdens my heart. When was the last time someone referred to me with that phrase? Dunno.  Thanks Teresa for your wonderful words, I feel safe already. Hey Unfair, we are both in the same shoes as newbies. But i must say that it is commendable your looking out for your brother. He is one lucky guy. Thanks Alex for extending the welcome and making space in this warm blanket for one more person. 
Thanks French Pat for the reassurance, I am beginning to feel alive already. By the way no one eats their friends!  Thanks Kate. And Mark, I like that I am welcomed in this family and I am stuck with the family as much as  I hate HIV. Your experience gives me courage. Iggy, thanks for your kind words. David, I like that name"goodbuddy" now I know I have a friend in you. Call me goodbuddy. Thanks for the wonderful words of encouragement and for extending the arms of friendship or budddyship.

As I read what everybody wrote and the words of encouragement, I just could not help but shed tears. So I lied, I can still shed tears and this time, I do not feel pain, but I feel loved. Thanks everyone, you guys are the best.
Do not ask for a smaller load, rather ask for a stronger back. --unknown.

I can no longer shed tears becos I no longer feel pain. Am I better now or am I the same person?  I do not know. What can I tell ya?

Offline Sky

  • Member
  • Posts: 225
    • Myspace
Re: Hello everyone. New and venting.
« Reply #17 on: September 27, 2006, 11:17:02 PM »
So I lied, I can still shed tears and this time, I do not feel pain, but I feel loved.

See, I told ya  ;) Hang in there girlie, we'll make the grass greener on the side if I have to planet it myself.
Poz since 2003.

Offline whatcanI tell ya?

  • Member
  • Posts: 10
Re: Hello everyone. New and venting.
« Reply #18 on: September 28, 2006, 12:20:39 AM »
Thanks Sky, you are the best. I really appreciate your being there for me.
Do not ask for a smaller load, rather ask for a stronger back. --unknown.

I can no longer shed tears becos I no longer feel pain. Am I better now or am I the same person?  I do not know. What can I tell ya?

Offline IzPoz

  • Member
  • Posts: 332
  • God, grant me the serenity...
Re: Hello everyone. New and venting.
« Reply #19 on: September 28, 2006, 06:49:26 AM »
Hi WCITY,

Welcome to the forums!  I'm known by many here as Izzy.  Was diagnosed in 94 as my first Mother's Day gift when my daughter was 10 months old.  My husband lost his battle 13 months ago when the kidney and heart failure took over.  Our daughter is negative (thankfully!).

I am still asymptomatic, although I am taking medications.  Viral Load is undetectable and CD4 is 400+.

Enjoy your life and your children.  :) 

Looking forward to getting to know you further.
The reason angels can fly is that they take themselves so lightly. ~ Chesterton G. K.

Offline Andy Velez

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 23,847
Re: Hello everyone. New and venting.
« Reply #20 on: September 28, 2006, 05:55:13 PM »
Hi What,

I join in welcoming you. We don't have a magic cure here but we do offer a place where you can ask questions and discuss anything that's on your mind.

HIV does present some special challenges, but in a lot of ways the questions you raise are really about the human condition in general. Like finding the right person to share you life with. All you can do is make your life as good and as full as possible and who knows, he maybe on his way coming around a corner even now.

Even though I know kids are basically cannibals I have to say it's good you have them in your life. Even though I am sure you have moments when you may not think so.

So feel free to pop in here whenever you want to. This place is open for business 24/7.

Cheers,   
Andy Velez

Offline poobear

  • Member
  • Posts: 112
Re: Hello everyone. New and venting.
« Reply #21 on: September 28, 2006, 11:41:52 PM »
Welcome What Can I Tell Ya,
    There is life after HIV.  It is what you make of it.  We all have are up days and our down days, but this I can tell you is there has been life after HIV.  I have been poz for 12 years now and I am 32.  I have been on meds most of the 12 years.  Yes there are some nasty side effects but hey it is helping me live a better life.  I can understand you loneliness,  but sometimes if you do not go to the unknown you will never know what might have happened.  What I am trying to say is there are neg people who accept poz people and some that don't.  There also is an HIV dating site but not sure of the name.  But anyway my biggest message I would like to convey is yes you can live a productive life with you and your children so just go out and do it. Great Big Hugs to You.   Rachel  ;)

Offline eirin

  • Member
  • Posts: 80
  • Member since March 2005
Re: Hello everyone. New and venting.
« Reply #22 on: September 29, 2006, 05:38:52 AM »
Hi and welcome!
Hope you are going to feel a little bit less lonely now that you have found us!
Things will get better as so many here have told you already. I have been pos for almost 10 years, have a daughter of sixteen, and doing great. Though it is not always easy I am grateful to be alive and try to enjoy life to the fullest, hope you soon will be able to do the same! Like Juan says; having two kids is really being alive, cherish the time you have with them, before you know they are grown up and leaving the house. :)

Lots of strength and good luck to you!

Hugs, Eirin

Offline whatcanI tell ya?

  • Member
  • Posts: 10
Re: Hello everyone. New and venting.
« Reply #23 on: October 01, 2006, 06:13:27 PM »
Hi guys,

Thanks a lot Rachael for sharing your story, Thanks Andy, Izzy and Eirin for the kind words and encouragement. I appreciate it and I no longer feel so alone. I feel a lot better for having met such wonderful people that I can relate to. I have decided to relax and take life as it comes, hopefully something good will come out of it all. Thanks a lot, I appreciate u guys.
Do not ask for a smaller load, rather ask for a stronger back. --unknown.

I can no longer shed tears becos I no longer feel pain. Am I better now or am I the same person?  I do not know. What can I tell ya?

Offline RevMC

  • Member
  • Posts: 223
  • It's me!
    • Psychic AwakeningSchool.com
Re: Hello everyone. New and venting.
« Reply #24 on: October 01, 2006, 07:44:46 PM »
I just wanted to say WELCOME TO THE FORUMS!!!!  Though I've only been a part of this great group of people for about 1 month, I feel so much love, strength and support on here.

You've posted in my post titled "Partner Update".  Thought I'd hopefully give you more strength and hope.

I've been poz for 18 1/2 years.  March 2 will be my 19'th anniversary of being poz.  I consider it my second birthday.  It has awoken me to what life is truly about and helped me to open my eyes.

I tried meds sometime back and after a few months, my counts went right where they were to begin with.  So I figured why bother.  My doctor has agreed with me.  Counts go up and down but stay level.  Even under the stress that I'm under trying to take care of my partner of almost 10 years, my counts haven't changed.

You may be like me, part of a group of people who for some strange reason, our bodies manage to keep the HIV virus under control so to speak.

You'll notice too that there are quite a few of us long term survivors around here.  Some need meds and others do not.  Here's hoping that you don't need meds and way down in the future, you join the ranks of us long term survivors.  I've managed to go to cosmetology school so I'm a licensed hairstylist, have an AA degree in Computer Information Systems and have 1 year to go for my BA degree.  Not bad if I must say so myself.  Considering that my doctors told me when I found out I was poz that I had about 2 years to live if I was lucky.

Anytime you need to vent, feel like crying, or even screaming, post away.  We're all here for you!  There truly is life after hiv.
Part of my story: "Sale Of A Lifetime" POZ December 2003
http://www.poz.com/articles/172_752.shtml

Started on Truvada and Viramune on 2/15/07

Jan 8, 2007   t-cells 215  Viral Load 10,000  24%
March 26'th  T-cells 306   Viral Load  UNDETECTABLE
June 2007 t-cells 375 Viral Load UNDETECTABLE
August 2007 t-cells 290 Viral Load UNDETECTABLE



Love and Light and Reiki sent your way,
Rev. Michae

 


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