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Hello everyone. New and venting.

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whatcanI tell ya?:
Hi everyone, I am happy to be part of this great online family. My name  -- whatcanI tell ya? and i live in CA. I was diagnosed with HIV sometime in 03 and I have been doing very will since then. I was on viracept and combivir at some point because I was pregnant at the time I discovered the I was infected. At first like every other person , I was devastated and felt as if life had no meaning. Three years later, I am not still not on any medication and my doctors are of the opinion that I may be able to go without meds for a long time. I am really grateful to God because I am alive and I have two kids to look after. They make my life bearable.

But then........

Everyday I ask myself the same question. What is HIV and why is it hard to find a cure. Everyday, I get lonelier as time goes by even though I have my kids. I look to my job for consolation, but it does not fill that void in me.  I am too scared to enter into relationships because i hate the disclosure part. I am trying hard not to feel sorry for myself. I tell myself I just need a nice person that will understand and know that there is life after HIV. But where is he......? I  look to friends and family....yet this empty feeling is still there. It just would not go away!.  The question for me is .... Is there life after HIV?  Will I ever be able to let go? .......The question for me then is AM I DEAD? I dunno. What can i tell ya?  I need my life back. My heart cries out daily for love..... It just echoes back to me. EMPTY. It is  a lonely world out there. Trust me.... I  am living it. I am not sure if it would have made any difference if i wasn't living with HIV. Then I can be bold..... dunno. What can I tell ya?

I am just happy to be here. Then I can vent. Thanks for this forum. I feel better already.Maybe I am not yet  dead!!!

Sky:
Welcome!  I, too, have been poz since 2003 and much like yourself the docs think I can go a while without medication.  The last 3.5 years have had their ups and downs for me, but one thing I can tell ya...you're far from dead!  I actually went back and finished my degree and I actually thank HIV for making me get off my ass and do so.  Otherwise, who knows what I'd be doing now.  Come here and vent as much as you need to, everyone else does  :D

whatcanI tell ya?:
Thanks Sky, I appreciate your positive words. I believe I can live again.I  just need courage and faith.

Eldon:
Hello Whatcan I tell ya, it is Eldon.

First of all I wish to extend to you a warm WELCOME here to the forums. Actually, here you will find communication, understanding, support, some cries, some laughter, and many of your questions answered relating to HIV/AIDS. Here, there is a lot of information at your disposal and please DO feel free to read through it to bring you up to speed. We have a great group of people here that will listen as well as answer you.

It is unfortunate that you have tested HIV positive and you have (2) two children. My hat is off to you for being ever so strong to get through this. You are not alone. As far as that void or something missing inside of you, remain positive by all means and you will find HIM. When you least expect HIM then HIM will be in your life before you even realize it.

Stay focused on your job and do the BEST that you can do each day. Feel free as Charlie has said to come and vent from time-to-time in the forum.

Again, Welcome! and make the BEST of each Day!

whatcanI tell ya?:
Thank you so much Eldon for your kind words. I appreciate it.

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