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Author Topic: Sometimes it is more hard on the loved ones watching  (Read 4914 times)

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Offline ImisstheOldTimes

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  • Posts: 49
Sometimes it is more hard on the loved ones watching
« on: March 25, 2012, 08:37:18 PM »
I thought I might start a new thread. In my last thread I talked about how days are hard, just dealing with the diagnosis and initial infections. As I watch my dad get sicker here in the hospital I can't help but think, is it harder on him or the rest of us in a sort of limbo stage not knowing if we should be expecting him to die, or just watch him slowly keep passing into delirium...as he sees things that aren't there or talking about conversation that isn't happening, or asking each of to do things that make absolutely no sense at all. Seeing my father who was a man of logic and order slip into what most consider insanity only makes me cry and to tell you the truth, thoroughly emotionally exhausted.  What an awful disease to rob many of so much.

Online Jeff G

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  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: Sometimes it is more hard on the loved ones watching
« Reply #1 on: March 25, 2012, 08:59:34 PM »
There is simply not much one can say to stop the pain that comes from watching someone you love struggle with something like this but I want you to know my thoughts are with you and your family . 

Please look after yourself and let us know how you are doing .       

Offline forrest

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Re: Sometimes it is more hard on the loved ones watching
« Reply #2 on: March 25, 2012, 10:54:27 PM »
I'm really sorry to hear your dad isn't doing better Imiss  :( 

I think it IS hard on the family and those who care.  I have seen that in my parents. I'm not sure my stepdad has even accepted it yet to be honest with you.  No doubt it is not easy for you and YOUR family.  Hang in there and know there are people here who care  :) 

Hang in there and take care of yourself as well! Thoughts your way!! 
2011-03-26:  Tested Positive

Date           |VL        |CD4 |4%  |CD8 |8%  |C4:C8
2011-04-06 |48,653 |603 |32.0 |646 |35.0 |0.61
2011-05-23 |64,324 |577 |36.0 |576 |36.0 |1.00
2011-08-02 |18,319 |574 |36.3 |587 |37.2 |0.98
2011-12-06 |10,375 |480 |30.1 |616 |38.7 |0.78
2012-02-22 |  9,674 |570 |33.6 |655 |38.7 |0.87
2012-05-04 |  8,439 |559 |30.4 |706 |38.4 |0.79

Offline ImisstheOldTimes

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Re: Sometimes it is more hard on the loved ones watching
« Reply #3 on: March 25, 2012, 11:50:53 PM »
Thank you jg and forrest, it is very hard... Not knowing what to expect on anything :( thank you for your thoughts and prayers, they are trully appreciated.

Offline ImisstheOldTimes

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Re: Sometimes it is more hard on the loved ones watching
« Reply #4 on: March 27, 2012, 02:17:29 PM »
3-27-12.... 11:20, my daddy passed away. It's funny, you want peace for him but in the very end... All you wish for is a little more time. Thank you all for your care and kind words.

Truly heart broken,
Heidi

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: Sometimes it is more hard on the loved ones watching
« Reply #5 on: March 27, 2012, 02:24:39 PM »
Heidi, I'm very sorry for the loss of your father but know that it was relatively quick and the suffering short, and I hope that will console you even though it's hard to realize at the moment. Many thoughts for you and your family.
« Last Edit: March 27, 2012, 05:32:19 PM by Miss Philicia »
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline ImisstheOldTimes

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Re: Sometimes it is more hard on the loved ones watching
« Reply #6 on: March 27, 2012, 03:44:11 PM »
Oh and he turned 66 yesterday...

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: Sometimes it is more hard on the loved ones watching
« Reply #7 on: March 27, 2012, 05:17:39 PM »
Heidi,

My condolences on the passing of your father.  :'(

MtD

Offline MoMorrison

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Re: Sometimes it is more hard on the loved ones watching
« Reply #8 on: March 27, 2012, 07:03:32 PM »
Heidi,

You have my condolences, thoughts and prayers. May your father rest in peace.
Jan 2011 Tested HIV positive
01/2011 CD4 189 / VL 79,000
03/20/2012 CD4 133 (10%) / VL 46,000
03/28/2012 started bactrim ds
04/04/2012 started complera
05/24/2012 CD4 255 (17%) / VL 53
06/25/2012 stopped bactrim ds

Online Jeff G

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Re: Sometimes it is more hard on the loved ones watching
« Reply #9 on: March 27, 2012, 07:13:01 PM »
My condolences Heidi ... my thoughts are with you and your family .

Offline skeebo1969

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Re: Sometimes it is more hard on the loved ones watching
« Reply #10 on: March 27, 2012, 07:20:48 PM »


  Heidi,

   Sad thing, the passing of your father.   I wish your wish for his recovery had come true.  You have my sincerest condolences..

  Thomas
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline forrest

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Re: Sometimes it is more hard on the loved ones watching
« Reply #11 on: March 27, 2012, 09:38:28 PM »
Hi Heidi,

Sorry to hear about your dad  :(  At least he isn't suffering any longer.  I know when my grandma was dying, as much as I loved her (and we were REALLY close) I finally was like... please God, take her.  I hated to see her suffer.  You were a great daughter and was there for him the entire time :) 

Sending positive thoughts your way.  Take care!
2011-03-26:  Tested Positive

Date           |VL        |CD4 |4%  |CD8 |8%  |C4:C8
2011-04-06 |48,653 |603 |32.0 |646 |35.0 |0.61
2011-05-23 |64,324 |577 |36.0 |576 |36.0 |1.00
2011-08-02 |18,319 |574 |36.3 |587 |37.2 |0.98
2011-12-06 |10,375 |480 |30.1 |616 |38.7 |0.78
2012-02-22 |  9,674 |570 |33.6 |655 |38.7 |0.87
2012-05-04 |  8,439 |559 |30.4 |706 |38.4 |0.79

Offline ImisstheOldTimes

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Re: Sometimes it is more hard on the loved ones watching
« Reply #12 on: March 28, 2012, 04:58:32 PM »
Thank you for your condolences, it is appreciated. It is harder than I expected.

Offline Blue75

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Re: Sometimes it is more hard on the loved ones watching
« Reply #13 on: March 28, 2012, 06:06:25 PM »
Heidi, I'm so very, very sorry for the loss of your father.  I lost my father when he only 47..diabetes.  I feel your pain and pray that you can take comfort in knowing he is no longer suffering.  Also, know that he will always be with you.  The stars in the sky are our loved ones checking in us.
Husband:
2/14/12 Tested HIV+
3/16/12: CD4-216, VL-56,500
5/4/12: Started Atripla
5/7/12: CD4-184, VL-12,000 (Taken off Atripla after 3 days, awaiting liver testing) Started antibiotics.

Offline Raf

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Re: Sometimes it is more hard on the loved ones watching
« Reply #14 on: March 29, 2012, 10:44:33 PM »
Hi Heidy, my condolences about your loss, I can't imagine the pain you're suffering. I almost lose someone close to me due to aids the last september, and yes, it's painful to view a loved one waste like this.

Please, take care of yourself, yes?
Dx: 05/14/2008
Latest HIV Meds combo I've been taking:

Kaletra + Combivir (since 05/16/2008 - today)

Offline ImisstheOldTimes

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Re: Sometimes it is more hard on the loved ones watching
« Reply #15 on: November 18, 2012, 03:34:09 PM »
Hey friends,

We're coming up on the holidays, it's the first without my dad :'(

My parents anniversary is Friday :'(

I feel overly sad. I try to remain a rock for my mom but she HATES my dad for what he did (having sex with men, getting AIDS). She forgets I still lost my dad, I still love him :'(

Imiss

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Sometimes it is more hard on the loved ones watching
« Reply #16 on: November 18, 2012, 04:53:21 PM »
Its great that you can love your mom and support her.  You have a bigger heart and a different experience than she does. Please don't let her hate cast a shadow on your loving memory for your father.
You know, hiv can be a deadly virus but it has no mentality, morality, etc etc.  People apply a lot of crap to it, and the people who have it.  STDs are like that and this one has historical associations with hated and feared groups of people and lots of ignorance and fear surrounding it.

Maybe your mom is pissed if your father sexually betrayed her.  On top of that, with a man. 

Being hateful of someone because they have a disease is really simple and dumb.

Men who have sex with men don't all have HIV or AIDS.  HIV and homo sex are too often linked and too often the hatred (by heteros) for both is combined.  When really, whats the point, all this hatred. 

Maybe someday, when your mom is calm, you can help her unpack some of this.  Maybe she can reclaim her warm feelings for your dad, and she can remember the good things she loved and the good times they had, and the life they created (you!), and she can bury her hatred, for a dead man, that isn't serving any purpose.
« Last Edit: November 18, 2012, 07:43:35 PM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline ImisstheOldTimes

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Re: Sometimes it is more hard on the loved ones watching
« Reply #17 on: November 18, 2012, 06:29:53 PM »
Thank, Mecch...

Offline 0608

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Re: Sometimes it is more hard on the loved ones watching
« Reply #18 on: November 19, 2012, 09:21:19 PM »
Don't let your mom's feelings for your dad influence your own feelings for him.  She's entitled to her feelings of bitterness, and you're entitled to your love.  As uncomfortable as it may be, the two things aren't and shouldn't be mutually exclusive.

I can relate to a certain extent in that I love my mom with all my heart but have serious problems with how she regards my dad with so much disrespect.  I've just learned to compartmentalize.  I can't control her feelings, so I've decided not to even go there.

Offline Jmarksto

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Re: Sometimes it is more hard on the loved ones watching
« Reply #19 on: November 22, 2012, 01:00:09 PM »
Imiss;  I am very sorry for your loss.  I lost my father 14 years ago, and it has gotten easier over time, but I still think of him often.

I hope the warm memories provide some comfort during this difficult time.

Sincerely,

JM
03/15/12 Negative
06/15/12 Positive
07/11/12 CD4 790          VL 4,000
08/06/12 CD4 816/38%   VL 49,300
08/20/12 Started Complera
11/06/12 CD4   819/41% VL 38
02/11/13 CD4   935/41% VL UD
06/06/13 CD4   816/41% VL UD
10/28/13 CD4 1131/45%  VL 25
02/25/14 CD4   792/37%  VL UD

Offline ImisstheOldTimes

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Re: Sometimes it is more hard on the loved ones watching
« Reply #20 on: September 06, 2013, 10:19:27 AM »
Yes, it's been a while since I posted in my own thread, but I think it might let other people know the feelings they are experiencing are not something they alone feel.


Offline momof2

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Re: Sometimes it is more hard on the loved ones watching
« Reply #21 on: September 06, 2013, 11:29:13 PM »
I am new here and and just found your thread.  I'm really sorry for your loss. I'm a mom whose son who was diagnosed last year. He started meds, became undetectable then had someone who should have been looking out out for his best interest and protect him tell him the MEDS cause AIDS and sends him links to denialist videos and websites. Well, when your 22 and it comes from someone you trust, your scared, devastated and trying to cope, it's easier to believe that then the reality. He stopped the meds. Every month VL goes up, CD4 goes down and he still thinks he ok because he hasn't been physically sick at all. He has now been diagnosed as having AIDS and still fighting the meds. He's afraid of toxicity,  long term effects, stigma, having to disclose,  living under a label,  he wants a cure not a treatment and wants a family above everything else and since he he fears he can never have that, so isn't fighting.  As a mom, I want to force them down his throat,  I got him into therapy but he says he's fine and isn't giving it a chance.  I am powerless because of his age even though he is mentally younger than his actual age. I'm scared to death! He just recently said he started them but, I don't know if he really did or is trying to ease my anxiety. So anyway,  your threads title really hit home,  to me it's the truest sentence ever written.
Again,  I am so sorry for the loss of your father and I I hope time helps heal your pain.

Offline mecch

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Re: Sometimes it is more hard on the loved ones watching
« Reply #22 on: September 07, 2013, 04:54:43 AM »
oops posted in wrong thread, sorry!  :-\
« Last Edit: September 07, 2013, 04:59:33 AM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline ImisstheOldTimes

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Re: Sometimes it is more hard on the loved ones watching
« Reply #23 on: September 07, 2013, 09:31:14 AM »
Thank you mom of 2,

Maybe you should show him this thread and also what I wrote in the In Memory of forum, it's entitled "My Father".

Prayers and hopes your son doesn't hurt himself and you further.

 


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