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Author Topic: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV  (Read 11520 times)

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Offline Blue75

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  • Posts: 53
Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« on: March 23, 2012, 11:45:27 AM »
Hi, I'm really happy to have found this site as nobody understands or can relate and no one to talk to.  I'll start from the beginning..

My husband & I have been together for 15yrs. He has 2 older children from a prior relationship and we have a child together.  We are your typical married couple, work, camping, no drug use, no crazy sexual behavior, monogomous hetersexual couple--almost boring to a point.

A couple of years ago, while at a BBQ party, a person whom we didn't know well and honestly, I didn't trust, ended up punching a window and cut his wrist and arm severely.  My husband was trying to help stop the bleeding and while leaning over to detemine exactly where the cut was (guy was bleeding profusely)...the guy clenched is fist and a full, straight stream of blood shot directly into my husband's eye.   That is the beginning and the end......

A couple of months later, this person said that he tested pos for Hep C and that my husband should be tested.  He did and fortunately he was neg.  That's the last of everything until a month ago he was contacted by the state that someone is HIV pos and that he might be infected as well. I really thought this was a sick joke but it wasn't.  We found out on Valentine's Day 2012 that my husband is HIV positive.  I tested neg for now (how is that possible?).

I love my husband more than anything.  I know this is a horrible wrong place at wrong time situation.  I will stand by his side forever.  I am so scared, worried, and the stigma is another thing.  What do I do?  I don't know anybody who has the virus, there are no support groups where we live, there is nothing.  Can't tell our kids, parents, nobody...Please tell me I (we) am not alone. :'(
Husband:
2/14/12 Tested HIV+
3/16/12: CD4-216, VL-56,500
5/4/12: Started Atripla
5/7/12: CD4-184, VL-12,000 (Taken off Atripla after 3 days, awaiting liver testing) Started antibiotics.

Online Miss Philicia

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  • celebrity poster, faker & poser
Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #1 on: March 23, 2012, 12:57:54 PM »
1) your husband has YOUR support, and as long as he keeps to his doctor's appointments and taking medication when that time comes, then he will be fine and live a regular life. Current treatment protocol is excellent, effective, and ultimately any side effects can be managed or not exist at all.

2) so that leaves the mental side of having HIV, i.e. the stigma you mention. Yes, there is stigma but it's also ultimately up to you and your husband how you manage and react to it. You may think you can't tell your parents right now but why exactly do you think you can't? Ultimately who you tell and don't tell is up to you. There is nothing mandating that you tell others.


3) as far as support groups, without knowing what area you live in nobody here can help you. Usually there is something somewhere, but it may involve some lengthy driving if you live in a rural environment. But rest assured, every state in the US has HIV infection statistics and you'll find by looking it up that unless you live in some remote corner of Alaska there is going to be someone other soul going to the same doctor for HIV.

Until then maybe it would be beneficial for your husband to interact on this forum as well, or does he expect you to do it all? This is going to need to be a joint activity for husband and wife ultimately.
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline Blue75

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  • Posts: 53
Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #2 on: March 23, 2012, 01:17:41 PM »
Thank you Miss Philicia.  That's what he says is that he has me and I'm his "valuim".  I love that he feels that way.  He will always have me, but I guess I need someone to talk to too.  We are still waiting for his blood results to find out exactly where he is at the moment. 

I've checked and where we live (midwest), there is not an actual support group of peers in our town.  I'm very happy to have been told of this site, because I'm desperate to talk with others.  I just need someone to really break down and cry to.  I'm working on auto pilot right now and that's about to quit on me too. 

I'm just really scared, sad, and worried.  My husband is not one to talk much, I hope at some point he might interact in this forum.  I really don't know.  Denial and dismissing the topic is the emotion of the last few days lately. 

I'm worried about the meds.  I'm pretty sure my insurance will not cover the cost and there is no way we will be able to afford them.  Not to mention, making sure he stays on the regimen of regulary taking them, every night.
Husband:
2/14/12 Tested HIV+
3/16/12: CD4-216, VL-56,500
5/4/12: Started Atripla
5/7/12: CD4-184, VL-12,000 (Taken off Atripla after 3 days, awaiting liver testing) Started antibiotics.

Offline ImisstheOldTimes

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  • Posts: 88
Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #3 on: March 23, 2012, 01:32:25 PM »
Well I'm sorry you have to deal with this as well as your husband having it. It's not easy, but one thing you can be thankful for is that it was caught early and he didn't have to be in a completely weakened state before being diagnosed. That makes getting started on the antiretroviral meds that more helpful as he still as somewhat of an immune system. I am slowly watching my father get sucker and sucker because he was diagnosed too late and was diagnosed with AIDS actually, we just learned about it a month ago. So keep your chin up, chances are things will go on with and your husband just as they always have except maybe a little more protection in some areas.

Best of luck, Imiss
Life is a BANQUET, and most poor suckers are starving to death!

                             ~Auntie Mame

Online Miss Philicia

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  • celebrity poster, faker & poser
Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #4 on: March 23, 2012, 01:32:40 PM »

I've checked and where we live (midwest), there is not an actual support group of peers in our town. 

No, they don't have support groups in every town -- the numbers wouldn't be there. How far from a larger populated area are you?

You definitely at least need to locate your closest AIDS service organization so that they can work with your to figure out your insurance coverage (why do you think they won't cover any of this if you have insurance) and if you qualify for something like ADAP (AIDS Drug Assistance Program).

I think the first line of business though should be settling on your doctor -- what kind is he seeing currently and how experienced is he with HIV seeing as how you describe your location as remote?
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline ImisstheOldTimes

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Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #5 on: March 23, 2012, 01:36:39 PM »
Damn spell check!

Sicker and sicker
Life is a BANQUET, and most poor suckers are starving to death!

                             ~Auntie Mame

Offline Blue75

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Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #6 on: March 23, 2012, 01:49:28 PM »
Imiss, thank you.  We are lucky (I guess) in that he was notified and found early.  He is not sick at all, nor does he look it.  We would have never known had he not been contacted. I'm so very sorry about your Dad. It must be hard.

Miss, I'm not sure if a place about 45 miles away may have actual support groups or not.  If it doesn't then we're 90 miles away for a large city.  His doctor is not a specialist per se, but from what we're told, is the main person other hiv in our town goes to.  Apparently she is the city's hiv guru so she is experienced and has several patients with it that she's been seeing for over 25yrs.  My husband; however, wants to enroll in the big cities hiv specialist hospital.  I will leave all those decisions up to him.  I just want to support him.  And, hopefully, I am still negative.  I was tested the day he found out; however, not really thinking this was all possible, we were intimate the night before.  I guess that doesn't matter as we've never used protection even after what we believe is the exposure time.

I'm not sure about my insurance.  In researching the various drugs for hiv, I went to my insurance website and when I typed the names in, it said not covered.  I guess we'll figure it out when the time comes.  His case worker said that no matter what, he will get his meds so I'm depending on that.  He does quality for the Ryan White program but only dr visits, labs, etc...no meds coverage from there. 

I'm leaning on God right now.  Trying to remember that He is in control, but it's hard.
Husband:
2/14/12 Tested HIV+
3/16/12: CD4-216, VL-56,500
5/4/12: Started Atripla
5/7/12: CD4-184, VL-12,000 (Taken off Atripla after 3 days, awaiting liver testing) Started antibiotics.

Offline Blue75

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  • Posts: 53
Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #7 on: March 24, 2012, 02:25:51 AM »
, but Becaise he drawsis strengGot test results back... C265, viral 56500

What concerns me most...the liver tests are 700+ when high norm is lke 65. Oh God, please no more bad news.

I've been feeling strange lately...not normal, I am an emotional wreck &I scared for all of us now.

Pls help, if anyone has had super high liver counts. Is it the virus or is it the boredom drinking at night...every night? We are both just shy of 40yrs old.  Please let talk with me, I'm a mess..worse than my infected husband because he draws strength from me, but I'm drained &I can't let him down.

We are after work, boredom drinkers but every night boredom drinkers. What do we do?
Husband:
2/14/12 Tested HIV+
3/16/12: CD4-216, VL-56,500
5/4/12: Started Atripla
5/7/12: CD4-184, VL-12,000 (Taken off Atripla after 3 days, awaiting liver testing) Started antibiotics.

Offline Blue75

  • Member
  • Posts: 53
Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #8 on: March 24, 2012, 02:58:25 AM »
I'm sorry, working from phone, not easily able to see what I'm typing but hope you understand what I was getting at.
Husband:
2/14/12 Tested HIV+
3/16/12: CD4-216, VL-56,500
5/4/12: Started Atripla
5/7/12: CD4-184, VL-12,000 (Taken off Atripla after 3 days, awaiting liver testing) Started antibiotics.

Offline mecch

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  • Posts: 12,162
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #9 on: March 24, 2012, 03:11:47 AM »
I am sorry you have to live with this big change and of course sorry you husband got HIV.

He's going to have it forever, .... until the cure....  You don't ever have to get it....  So get your safesex rules in order.  Which might even change eventually... when he is undetectable and for quite some time...   

Secondly get his access to care together...  That's the key to living well.  He'll need to see doctors regularly and take the treatment when its time.

Third, drinking every night sounds like a problem.  You are calling it boredom drinking but it sounds to me like you are both stressed out about the diagnosis and everything that comes with it, so maybe you might consider this drinking to be a stress reduction or evasion technique. Were you everynight "boredom drinkers" before diagnosis?  Its pretty common to be overloaded by a HIV diagnosis.   

You have a family, jobs (?), a full life - why are you bored every night?  Well, you'll have to find a way out of that every night activity because it sounds like a road to nowhere - both for your couple, for your health, and for your family.  If you think you are alcoholics, maybe get help with organisations that help people to stop drinking. 

If, instead, it is an anti-anxiety technique - escape route - then you and your husband should both be leaning ways to lesson anxiety about HIV.  IF you want to go the medication route, there are anti-anxiety medications better than a couple of cocktails everynight.  Also, coming to terms with diagnosis and also living in a serodiscordant couple is a way to lesson the anxiety or fear or shock, etc etc.

Even though he's positive you still have a long future together and every night is an opportunity to count your blessing and do something either comfy and ordinary and enjoyable.  Or, think of some new project to get invested on together.  A project about the future so you see its important not to get stuck worrying or longing for the past, which is over, or a present that is filled with a bit too many stresses.
ďFrom each, according to his ability; to each, according to his needĒ 1875 K Marx

Offline willclark218

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  • Posts: 5
Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #10 on: March 25, 2012, 11:48:56 AM »
that sucks Blue.. I had a similar with my current wife of 12 years.. helped a kid who got cut by a slicer on her job about 11 years ago which plopped Hep C. on top of her HIV..  I'm personally responsible for infecting my first wife with HIV in 88, but only because I did not know I was pos. Hers is a tragic story of ultimate denial that I wont go into here but I can tell you it cost her her life and that of her childs (by a second husband). The fact that you KNOW is on your side. I've known more than one pos/neg couple who have been together for many many years. My second wife (kew that I was pos.) was neg. and remained so. Our break up was because she was a  little wacko and a mean drunk. But we were in the same spot. Couldnt tell the kids, couldnt tell the folks.. no-one. Thats HARD. That aside, there is really no reason (in my view) that you can't maintain a healthy happy life. Just a matter of safe sex and supporting one another.

You also asked how it was possible that you are not pos. Look.. I'm not a doctor, but it depends on several factors.. lot of study been (and being done) on the CCR5 gene.. (heres just ONE link.. http://www.hivgene.com/what-is-ccr5.php )some people are more pre-disposed genetically.. it also can depend on the amount of virus in one partner.. can't name the Swiss study but it was in a recent edition of HIV+ (looked it up.. also seeing it from POZ.. link to article from the Body.. http://www.thebody.com/Forums/AIDS/SafeSex/Q190381.html ).. If you continue to test neg. over the next few months, odds are you're golden.. still..best to test regularly... be proactive..

 The drinking.. wow.. been there too.. enough Jack Daniels will kill anything right?.. My current wife literally saved my life... I had pulled the trigger but was lucky that the bullet was slow moving.. Its a tough thing to deal with.. I'll admit that I was jaded by all the years of having to put on that "brave face".. it gets tiresome still.. but I say left foot right foot.. breathe in breathe out.. until the journey ends.. really wish you the best.. the old man too..

P.S.... As far as the meds.. As MP noted..look into A.D.A.P.(AIDS Drug Assistance Program) in your state.. This link will help.. http://www.thebody.com/content/art39391.html If you are in Ohio, the allowances are VERY high, just as they are here in NY... the drug companies also have assistance sometimes..  I should also point out.. when I was first diagnosed and needed meds, my insurance company put the drugs under the major medical portion of the policy.. the prescription drug coverage didnt last a month.. but I was with a great company who was self-insured.. just sayin.. don't throw in the towel on that yet...
« Last Edit: March 25, 2012, 12:54:01 PM by willclark218 »

Offline Blue75

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  • Posts: 53
Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #11 on: March 28, 2012, 10:32:47 AM »
Will and Mecch, Thank you for the advice and support.  The drinking needs to slow and we're working on that.

Last night is the first night I was actually able to get him to let me read other's posts, stories, and their journey through the various stages of diagnosis and CD4 counts and Vl's.  I think it made him feel better knowing that there are other's out there who had worse initial CD4 counts than him, and they are doing good today.

I'm hoping to get him to get on this site and educate himself more with people who are actually living it as opposed to all the internet info sites.

Thank you again!
Husband:
2/14/12 Tested HIV+
3/16/12: CD4-216, VL-56,500
5/4/12: Started Atripla
5/7/12: CD4-184, VL-12,000 (Taken off Atripla after 3 days, awaiting liver testing) Started antibiotics.

Offline steve halliday

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  • Posts: 9
Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #12 on: April 22, 2012, 01:08:23 PM »
he far from alone, my cd4 was 15 & VL was 87,700cpls per mill of blood and it was only from phmonia i was diagnosed, and now i doing soso, i still cant get my head around it but reading 'real life' storys has helped me, steve h x

Offline Blue75

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  • Posts: 53
Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #13 on: April 23, 2012, 07:19:41 PM »
Hi Steve, thank you for the input.  My husband is still having a very difficult time grasping the whole thing too.  But it does make him feel tons better when I let him know of others out there who found out late with very low counts, and are doing great now.  He will start Atripla tomorrow.  Take care and this is a good place to know you're not alone.
Husband:
2/14/12 Tested HIV+
3/16/12: CD4-216, VL-56,500
5/4/12: Started Atripla
5/7/12: CD4-184, VL-12,000 (Taken off Atripla after 3 days, awaiting liver testing) Started antibiotics.

Offline steve halliday

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  • Posts: 9
Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #14 on: April 25, 2012, 02:23:09 PM »
Hi Blue
         thanx for reply, if he just starting out on meds, it might be best to start on the Complera i hear they are more torable than the Atripla, i started out with that and for me it was not very good, 'sideffects' i mean, it brought my vl & cd4 count down very fast but it never agreed with me, and i went on to the 3 drug combo and was a lot better, but then i just stoped taking ALL meds for about 8mths and went down hill rapid @ the end of that time, my loads shot through the roof, i have now gone back on the combo for 10 weeks 2 get my counts back 2 a resanoble level so i can go onto Complera, anyway i wish him look & you 2 thanx steve ;)

Offline Blue75

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  • Posts: 53
Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #15 on: April 25, 2012, 03:15:31 PM »
Hey Steve,
Thanks for the meds info; unfortunately, we've run into snags.  Went to pick up prescription and found my insurance won't cover it.  No way in hell we can afford $2000 period, let alone only one month supply.  Still working with insur and state case worker to get assistance.  The doctor he saw isn't a specialist and was very distant and not very caring so he decided to switch to an ID specialist in the next biggest town but can't get in for a couple of weeks.  Was hoping him to be on meds for a few weeks by then, but everyone is dragging their feet while he feels he's been left to rot.  Scary, I know his cd4's are dropping every day and nothing we can do but wait for people to do get back to us. Who knows what the new, specialized doctor will want to do with him regarding meds.  Just floating is a haze of unknowing, fear, anger, frustration and anticipation...why don't these people move faster when the need is so great?
Husband:
2/14/12 Tested HIV+
3/16/12: CD4-216, VL-56,500
5/4/12: Started Atripla
5/7/12: CD4-184, VL-12,000 (Taken off Atripla after 3 days, awaiting liver testing) Started antibiotics.

Offline steve halliday

  • Member
  • Posts: 9
Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #16 on: April 25, 2012, 03:52:47 PM »
Awwwwww Blue  sorry to hear that, i live in the U.K and we have a great Health service, and it free, and i never thorght once about having to pay for meds, and i have just had a real deep thorght about how i have took it for granted by not taking my meds as i should have been, i no that not every1 can have free acsess to these very expensive drugs, i came to this site to see if i could make any sence out of the hiv/aids dissese with me being an Aids patient cos the hiv has done its job already, and just hearing your pain in what you wrote about not affording the meds, well that has shook me up a bit uno, i have over 3mths of combo meds and i get more @ the month of May, i really would love to send a months worth for you to get him started, think about it!!!! please  ---2010stevehalliday@gmail.com  ----  anytime  :'( x

Offline steve halliday

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  • Posts: 9
Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #17 on: April 25, 2012, 04:06:20 PM »
Awwwwww Blue  sorry to hear that, i live in the U.K and we have a great Health service, and it free, and i never thorght once about having to pay for meds, and i have just had a real deep thorght about how i have took it for granted by not taking my meds as i should have been, i no that not every1 can have free acsess to these very expensive drugs, i came to this site to see if i could make any sence out of the hiv/aids dissese with me being an Aids patient cos the hiv has done its job already, and just hearing your pain in what you wrote about not affording the meds, well that has shook me up a bit uno, i have over 3mths of combo meds and i get more @ the month of May, i really would love to send a months worth for you to get him started, think about it!!!! please  ---2010stevehalliday@gmail.com  ----  anytime  :'( x

Offline Blue75

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  • Posts: 53
Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #18 on: April 25, 2012, 06:12:33 PM »
That is very kind and thoughtful of you Steve!  Unfortunately, I believe it's highly illegal to send your meds to someone else (at least in the states it is).  Everything will be okay, just going to take a little time and hope he doesn't catch pneumonia or something else in the meantime.  Thanks again for the thoughfulness, wish it were that easy.
Husband:
2/14/12 Tested HIV+
3/16/12: CD4-216, VL-56,500
5/4/12: Started Atripla
5/7/12: CD4-184, VL-12,000 (Taken off Atripla after 3 days, awaiting liver testing) Started antibiotics.

Offline jkinatl2

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  • Posts: 6,007
  • Doo. Dah. Dipp-ity.
Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #19 on: April 25, 2012, 06:28:02 PM »
That is very kind and thoughtful of you Steve!  Unfortunately, I believe it's highly illegal to send your meds to someone else (at least in the states it is).  Everything will be okay, just going to take a little time and hope he doesn't catch pneumonia or something else in the meantime.  Thanks again for the thoughfulness, wish it were that easy.

While it is illegal, it's certainly been done. We had an angel of a retired nurse who acted as a clearinghouse for unused meds. She saw to it that people who needed meds got them, to the best of their ability. Sadly, she passed away about two years ago. Sadder still, no one has risen to take her place. I've certainly broken that law myself a few times for people here

People die on waiting lists for meds. I think that supersedes my duty to the letter of the law. I wouldn't risk sending them overseas however, in any direction.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline steve halliday

  • Member
  • Posts: 9
Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #20 on: April 26, 2012, 04:58:29 PM »
jkinatl2, Tanx for the advice but i feel the same as you and probbley a shed loads of people, the wait for meds in some conterys is a JOKE and having meds that i not going to take cos i have an abundance of them and cant help those with none, it hurt pal, a LOT, but hey i hope things will change in the future i really DO

again Thanx for advice,   'but i would take the risk tho' but blue75 says they be ok!!!!!!  and that makes me feel a bit better about the situation,

steve

"""People die on waiting lists for meds. I think that supersedes my duty to the letter of the law. I wouldn't risk sending them overseas however, in any direction."""

SO SO SO TRUE

Offline Blue75

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  • Posts: 53
Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #21 on: May 02, 2012, 08:47:30 PM »
This is so messed up  :'(  His case worker assured us that he qualified for ADAP included the meds...now it's not looking so good because of my income.  He currently qualifies for everything with ADAP except the meds.  We don't need everything, I have insurance for the doctor's visits, etc, BUT my insurance denied the meds.  I don't understand why ADAP can't relocate the funds from doctor visits and move to the meds.  I've been trying to call all programs all night but their closed. We cannot afford $2000/mo in meds. I don't know how technical they get..how far do they dig into if people are being truthful or not ie:how will they know my income? How do they know who lives in household?  Do they crosscheck tax returns?  I don't want to deceive but like I said...who in the hell can pay $2k/mo for meds?  He's talking moving into camper to be honest when "who lives in household". I'm worried they will check tax returns we file jointly (me w/ most income).....do we file separately?  Do we get a legal divorce so I can't be linked to his income?  I don't want any of that..all they ever seem to ask is who is living in household...what if we say just him?  What if I leave for awhile?  What the hell do I do?  He needs to start his meds and case worker (who assured him he was good to go just waiting on paperwork) is now indicating that he might not.  I'm the one who is it impossible for him to qualify, due to income, but I'm the one who is the biggest provider for family due to his place of employment's lack of keeping the construction workers busy.  I'm so lost...heartbroken and scared...he needs meds and can't even start let alone continue. I do have an appeal with my insurance company to approve the meds but haven't heard back.  :-\
Husband:
2/14/12 Tested HIV+
3/16/12: CD4-216, VL-56,500
5/4/12: Started Atripla
5/7/12: CD4-184, VL-12,000 (Taken off Atripla after 3 days, awaiting liver testing) Started antibiotics.

Offline Blue75

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Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #22 on: May 02, 2012, 09:36:51 PM »
Steve, I'm so willing to accept your offer but here's my biggest issue, he needs to be assured that we can afford the continued refills & that what you have is same as what he would continue with. #2-don't want you to get in trouble!
Husband:
2/14/12 Tested HIV+
3/16/12: CD4-216, VL-56,500
5/4/12: Started Atripla
5/7/12: CD4-184, VL-12,000 (Taken off Atripla after 3 days, awaiting liver testing) Started antibiotics.

Offline Blue75

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Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #23 on: May 03, 2012, 09:23:56 PM »
I have an update and this is this first day in 3 months that I've smiled a truely genuine smile filled with relief and gratitude.  I called the state person last night and left a very frustrated voicemail regarding our situation and if the gov't would like to add more ppl to the poverty level with medical care assist, housing, food stamps and title 19, then deny us one simple request...help with hiv drug.

Today, picked up my man's Atripla (insurance and ADAP came through) and I received my second neg Hiv test since he was diagnosed! Huge stress and weight lifted off my shoulder's.  I've been a mess.

My goal now is to be able to focus on supporting my husband through this and loving him.  Even when he's in a "non-loveable" mood.  Thank you all for the support and I won't be leaving this forum. 
Husband:
2/14/12 Tested HIV+
3/16/12: CD4-216, VL-56,500
5/4/12: Started Atripla
5/7/12: CD4-184, VL-12,000 (Taken off Atripla after 3 days, awaiting liver testing) Started antibiotics.

Online Jeff G

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Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #24 on: May 03, 2012, 09:33:32 PM »
Its a relief to hear things are working out for you and your husband , and congratulations on your negative HIV test . It takes time and patience but you will get there . Best of luck to you ! 

Offline Blue75

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Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #25 on: May 03, 2012, 10:50:44 PM »
Thank you JT!
Husband:
2/14/12 Tested HIV+
3/16/12: CD4-216, VL-56,500
5/4/12: Started Atripla
5/7/12: CD4-184, VL-12,000 (Taken off Atripla after 3 days, awaiting liver testing) Started antibiotics.

Offline steve halliday

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Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #26 on: May 04, 2012, 05:31:00 PM »
 ;) ;) ;) Thats great news blue, O and as for getting me in trubble lol dont worry about that it would have been a pleasure, sorry i took so long 2 reply for ya, but i been away for a few days, clear my head and stuff uno, i am so pleased that you can see if only a small light, it's a light, i have hiv and deal with it, i don't care for a person with it, so i could never understand the pain that you feel, but your husband is 1 lucky feller and i wish you BOTH every happines, keep in touch, and that offer will ALWAYS stand x ;)

Offline Blue75

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Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #27 on: May 05, 2012, 01:30:54 AM »
Steve, you're the dude! Thank you! Tonight is the night..first dose of Atripla. Scary for multiple reasons...#1-drinking..no more, that's tough! We're beer/whiskey shooting (evenings only) ppl. That's a normal thing round here..get off work, drink a beer, have a shot or two or three. I've got his back! But please pray & think about us these next few days. We are not a couple of drunks by no means but after work stress relievers, we did. (Notice the past tense). Hopefullyy..doing a ton of praying...thanks guys/gals
Husband:
2/14/12 Tested HIV+
3/16/12: CD4-216, VL-56,500
5/4/12: Started Atripla
5/7/12: CD4-184, VL-12,000 (Taken off Atripla after 3 days, awaiting liver testing) Started antibiotics.

Online Miss Philicia

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Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #28 on: May 05, 2012, 01:39:18 AM »
You can still drink, I just wouldn't drink at the level you are doing. Nothing wrong with a couple glasses of wine a couple times a week.

ps: I like how you do shots and then pray ;)
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline steve halliday

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Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #29 on: May 05, 2012, 10:02:12 AM »
 ;D hey you enjoy, and no harm in a few drinks, c'mon you work all day, and GOOD LUCK with the meds, Atripla was not for me but we all different & take 2 drugs in are own way, there are more drugs out there if this 1 not ok so don't panic blue and yeah i defo think about you's and keep your thread going and keep us ALL up to date with your progress PLEASE steve x ;)

Offline Teresa

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Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #30 on: May 08, 2012, 09:16:05 PM »
I'm so glad things are working out for you guys! I know its a big relief! How is he doing on the Atripla?

Hugs
Teresa
Hubby HIV+ 5/5/06
CD4:320
  %: 26.7
 VL: <20
Atripla (started it 8/24/06)
 

Offline Blue75

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Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #31 on: May 09, 2012, 08:39:36 AM »
He was on Atripla for 3 dayss (presc by GP) before we got him to ID doc (no side effects) when the the ID doc immediately took him off. When she tested his blood, his cd4 were down to 186you but there is something wrong witth his liver that she must find out first. She doesn't think it's alcohol related but something else underlying. He tested neg for all hepatitis. But he has to see a hepatologist on Thurs to see was is going on. So, now he's just on antibiotics. We've researched things & there are so many possibilities. Hopefully, something that can be treated so he can start some kind of hiv drug soon. Worried with his cd4 getting so much lower in only 2 months since his last test.

I'm thankful for the ID doc..wow..she is great. The Atripla could do some serious damage if he stayed on it without knowing whats up with liver. Can't imagine if we stayed with gp who doesn't seem to care.
Husband:
2/14/12 Tested HIV+
3/16/12: CD4-216, VL-56,500
5/4/12: Started Atripla
5/7/12: CD4-184, VL-12,000 (Taken off Atripla after 3 days, awaiting liver testing) Started antibiotics.

Offline carlydavids

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Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #32 on: May 09, 2012, 01:50:10 PM »
My husband is HIV+ too and I'm neg. It gets better. For the first while we were so obsessed with not infecting me by being crazily safe, and cos his t-cells were 48 we were obsessed with sterilizing everything. including door knobs!

That goes away over time as you adjust to it all. There are now studies showing serodiscordant straight couples who are undetectable had unprotected vaginal sex in order to reproduce, over years no one got infected and no babies infected either! I realized over time that all the stigma makes us very paranoid, and yes there is a risk of infection through certain behaviours, but not as much risk as you would think.

You should both put all your energy into healing your husband, not worrying about you. I know it sounds harsh, but I mean this with nothing but empathy and love, because you are on this journey with him and you are affected by it too, but try to put it to the side a little and both of you focus on him getting better. The more you both focus on healing and a hope -filled future, the better you will both feel. The more you dwell on "What could be", the worse things will be. Its a matter of perspective. I've written an ebook AIDS to Life, on my husband's healing journey to full health, although i'm not allowed to advertise / promote it here, PM me if you'd like to know more or if I can help you in any way because we are all here to help each other, and one thing this book does, is help you get through the stage that you are both at right now. We are all entitled to help :)

Good luck.

Offline Blue75

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Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #33 on: May 11, 2012, 06:58:43 PM »
Quote
You should both put all your energy into healing your husband, not worrying about you. I know it sounds harsh, but I mean this with nothing but empathy and love, because you are on this journey with him and you are affected by it too, but try to put it to the side a little and both of you focus on him getting better.


Hi Carly, that doesn't sound harsh to me at!  In fact, I totally agree with you and if I have made it sound at times that I'm worrying about me, it wasn't intended to be that way.  I worry about HIM a lot.  I still lysol the door knobs after all the neighborhood kids have been running in and out all day though!  Since, he still has yet to start his meds, I don't want him to catch a damn cold or anything else for that matter.  His cd4's are dropping quickly and we're still waiting on liver doctor results before he can start...Atripla anyway.

I would like to read your book.  I'm up for anything to help me help him along the way.  Is it weird that now, after these last few months, I feel that of all things, HIV has brought us closer as a couple?  It seems weird even typing it but I've realized this last week that our life as been more "normal" than it has been in years.  He's quit drinking (me too--at least excessively), the bachelor buddies who thought our house the party house have left us alone, & we actually kick back after dinner, hang out, watch tv and go to bed at a decent time.  Of course the tons of our daughter's friends running in and out & playing every night is a constant...but a welcomed one.

Our after work life has been chaotic for years.  I'd get home after work and have 3-4 dudes already there with their drink on and mooching for more and dinner to boot..it was getting so old and now..even though only one of his friends know of the hiv, we have finally got our lives back to normal.  I cannot believe I'm about to say this, but maybe this damn virus has done us some good.  ???


Husband:
2/14/12 Tested HIV+
3/16/12: CD4-216, VL-56,500
5/4/12: Started Atripla
5/7/12: CD4-184, VL-12,000 (Taken off Atripla after 3 days, awaiting liver testing) Started antibiotics.

Offline Blue75

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Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #34 on: May 21, 2012, 11:11:46 PM »
So, here's update, hubs still not taking HIV meds, ultrasound showed spot on his liver, liver dr today ordered a CT scan. Could be infection, could be cancer...holy shit..what do we woory about now? CD4's below 200 & no meds,  liver cancer, inection (hopefully). What the hell! He's not even sick, meaning, we still wouldn't have a clue there was an issue if someone hadn't named him to state as possible Hiv infection. Screw this.....what the hell...die from aids or die from cancer? Or none of above?
Husband:
2/14/12 Tested HIV+
3/16/12: CD4-216, VL-56,500
5/4/12: Started Atripla
5/7/12: CD4-184, VL-12,000 (Taken off Atripla after 3 days, awaiting liver testing) Started antibiotics.

Offline Blue75

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Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #35 on: March 17, 2013, 07:38:33 PM »
Haven't been on for awhile.  Breakdown: husband is now undetectable..yay! On the other hand, his daughter has found out. My man is in depression, I've been holding this family together on my income and barely making it. I'm sad..no one in Wyoming (usa) to talk to. He's had suicidal moments, hates this situation and drinks to make it go away.  I don't know what to do.
Husband:
2/14/12 Tested HIV+
3/16/12: CD4-216, VL-56,500
5/4/12: Started Atripla
5/7/12: CD4-184, VL-12,000 (Taken off Atripla after 3 days, awaiting liver testing) Started antibiotics.

Online Jeff G

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Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #36 on: March 17, 2013, 07:52:56 PM »
Hi Blue and welcome back ... I hope yu are taking time for yourself and setting some boundaries not to be crossed where his drinking is concerned and how its effecting your family . If it becomes too much I would maybe think about Alanon or getting the support you need ... his drinking cant help with the depression and his depression cant help with the drinking . I hope you know Im not judging ... I am sending positive energy and hoping for good things to come your way . 

Offline emeraldize

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Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #37 on: March 18, 2013, 07:31:40 PM »
Hi Blue

Have you ever considered encouraging him to come here and join the forum?

We might be just the gang he needs!!

Em

Offline mecch

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Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #38 on: March 18, 2013, 07:39:39 PM »
Haven't been on for awhile.  Breakdown: husband is now undetectable..yay! On the other hand, his daughter has found out. My man is in depression, I've been holding this family together on my income and barely making it. I'm sad..no one in Wyoming (usa) to talk to. He's had suicidal moments, hates this situation and drinks to make it go away.  I don't know what to do.

So the daughter judged him?  Pushed him away??

It must be tough for you holding fort... Why is your husband suicidal and he drinks to make what go away??  What happened with that cancer scare? Is your husband sick?
ďFrom each, according to his ability; to each, according to his needĒ 1875 K Marx

Offline Blue75

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Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #39 on: March 19, 2013, 11:23:08 AM »
Thank you Jeff, Em and Mecch! 

No, Jeff, didn't feel like we were being judged at all.  I appreciate the good vibes.

Em, I've asked him to check it out.  He did in the beginning and it definitely helped him to realize he's not alone and that he's actually pretty lucky considering he is not sick...yet.  He's a not much of a talkative person so he may read the posts but I think it leads to his anxiety.  I don't believe he's completely come to terms yet.

Mecch, no cancer (right now).  He's got a spot on his lung and has a fatty liver, which the meds don't help on top of the drinking.  He's not exactly suicidal in the terms that he'd take his own life, but he doesn't feel that his life on earth is worth it anymore.  Does that make sense?  He just doesn't care, so he's not taking as good of care of himself as he should.

He had quit his job a little while back because he hated it.  He's got hopes of being in another job soon and has had several interviews...it's the waiting game that is hard..especially on the pocket book.

No, his daughter didn't push him away.  He just didn't want her to be worried about him and add to the other issues young people have to deal with in life as it is.

He has always been a drinker, but with the knowledge of him having HIV (that he hasn't come to terms with) has increased his anxiety, his fear, and his feeling that he's not good enough for me anymore.  He drinks to not think about it anymore.  He still doesn't understand why I'm still here with him.  I think he just feels that I'd be better off without him and the medical bills, prescriptions, everything.  I can't let him know enough that I'm here for the long haul.

He's afraid.
Husband:
2/14/12 Tested HIV+
3/16/12: CD4-216, VL-56,500
5/4/12: Started Atripla
5/7/12: CD4-184, VL-12,000 (Taken off Atripla after 3 days, awaiting liver testing) Started antibiotics.

Offline mecch

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Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #40 on: March 19, 2013, 12:14:29 PM »
You're right, you'll have to keep on reminding him that you're married and with him for the long haul.  I wish there were a magic pill to fix his self esteem.  He's in a rut, unemployed, drinking and no money to contribute.  And you say he hasn't come to terms with the diagnosis, a year later.  This is some kind of circle of stresses feeding each other.  Who does he talk to? 

He's been undetectable for awhile it seems. I think it would be great if he got a job soon, because he sounds like he needs something new to occupy his time and his mind, something that will pump some good energy into him.

Unemployment can easily send anyone into a tailspin. IMO it is one of the worst, stressful, difficult things in life to go through and deal with.   

ďFrom each, according to his ability; to each, according to his needĒ 1875 K Marx

Offline Blue75

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Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #41 on: March 20, 2013, 10:46:41 AM »
Mecch, you hit the nail on the head.  Thank you, for understanding. 

He talks to me and his mom and that's it.  I'm grateful for him being able to have us, but I really wish he had someone outside of the family that can relate to him in a way we can't.  There just aren't any support groups in our area and if there were...he wouldn't go anyway. 

Thank you everyone for your support and things are bound to turn around for us. 
Husband:
2/14/12 Tested HIV+
3/16/12: CD4-216, VL-56,500
5/4/12: Started Atripla
5/7/12: CD4-184, VL-12,000 (Taken off Atripla after 3 days, awaiting liver testing) Started antibiotics.

Offline Ann

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Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #42 on: March 20, 2013, 05:02:11 PM »

I really wish he had someone outside of the family that can relate to him in a way we can't.  There just aren't any support groups in our area and if there were...he wouldn't go anyway. 



There are plenty of people here who will be able to relate to him.

Get him to join us. MAKE him join. Stand over him with a whip if that's what it takes. He may resist, but if he takes that little baby-step out of the pool of alcohol and self-pity in which he's currently drowning, he'll thank you in the end.

Don't let him take you down into the bottom of that pool with him, whatever you do. I knew a man who refused to come to terms with his hiv infection and it took him about ten years to drink himself to death. It wasn't pretty to watch.

Let me be absolutely clear about this - his death had everything to do with his self-pity-induced alcohol consumption and nothing to do physically with hiv.  The only thing hiv had to do with it was his inability - his stubborn refusal to even try - to come to terms with it emotionally. He hid from his hiv status in the bottom of a bottle until it finally killed him.

He caused a lot of unnecessary pain, suffering and grief for his family. Don't let your husband do that to you and your family.

My heart goes out to you. Stay strong and make sure you look after yourself.

Hugs,
Ann
xxx
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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline myjade_84

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Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #43 on: June 21, 2013, 09:00:02 AM »
I was reading the whole conversation and felt sad for Blue75. Getting infection from a good deed is the worst thing ever. But i was happy when her test was negative. It would be bad for their children if she too would infected. Life is indeed unfair, isn't it?
« Last Edit: June 21, 2013, 09:02:34 AM by myjade_84 »

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: Good Deed gone terribly wrong, now husband HIV
« Reply #44 on: June 21, 2013, 12:02:21 PM »
I was reading the whole conversation and felt sad for Blue75. Getting infection from a good deed is the worst thing ever. But i was happy when her test was negative. It would be bad for their children if she too would infected. Life is indeed unfair, isn't it?

There is so much wrong in this post that I can't even.
"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

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