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Author Topic: Open relationship - A solution?  (Read 2374 times)

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Offline Val

  • Member
  • Posts: 938
  • Praxitčles -- Satyre au repos
Open relationship - A solution?
« on: September 26, 2006, 03:52:04 AM »
Ever since I joined this forum, I have noticed so many threads based on our health situation as Hivers and Love.  And, the general feeling that I have is that people, in general, are not ready to compromise! After all, the times --- and people ---  have really  changed.  Terms like  "open relationship," "polyamory" and "swinging" are part of the European (Americans? I don't know)  young heterosexual and, needless to say,  homosexual couples...
And I wonder whether a polyamorous and/or swinging  kind of relationship would not be better than no relationship at all! Do we, as Hivers, need to experience  "real love" based on the ancient (and outmoded) principles and techniques of our parents?
I, personally, have known several couples (heterosexuals and homosexuals)  living in these situations and, believe it or not, they are indeed very happy and satisfied --- and not alone!

http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/Poly/Labriola/open.html
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gnx9jcNwjZ0&NR

Val
___
___
Arthus Bertrand
http://www.yannarthusbertrand.com/yann2/affichage.php?reference=TVDC%20YABFR084&pais=France
Ali Mahdavi
http://asyoudesireme.online.fr/index.htm
Richard de Chazal
http://www.richarddechazal.com/
Daniel Nassoy
http://www.danielnassoy.com/pages/galeries_portraits_2.html
Photography:
The word comes from the Greek words φως phos ("light"), and γραφίς graphis ("stylus", "paintbrush") or γραφή graphę, together meaning "drawing with light" or "representation by means of lines".

Offline heartforyou

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,105
  • I must be a survivor in many ways...
Re: Open relationship - A solution?
« Reply #1 on: September 26, 2006, 05:00:06 AM »
Val,

I had written a very long reply, but putting in a smiley made it all disappear.
I'll try again.

There is a big difference between love and "possessing" a partner. Caging a partner is not helping a relation to grow and develop. Respect is.

But love is different from sex.
Until I was diagnosed at 32, my love life was sex. After that I realised  that sex was an extra in love, not a goal.
If you see swinging as a way to improve your own relation and it is done respectfully, sure, why not.
But most people try to make a lame duck fly again by engaging in different sexual encounters.
Believe me... I have been there.

My husband met someone new a year ago. He had always been  having little "sexual" affairs on the side.I thought it was ok. Now I see it hurt  me all along.
This time it seems to be serious.
After the initial shock, in which my EGO was severely punched, I realised his falling in love with someone new, was not intentional. It was because our love had slowly faded and deep inside we knew.
I have started to love Patrick in a different way. As a friend.
In the meantime I have started to "love" his new partner, as a friend. He is a real gem. And I am happy for Patrick.
We still live together and it takes a lot of balancing to do so.
But to come to my point : there is different kinds of love, and so I believe we can have different loves at the same time.
Lives and loves are like highways.
Sometimes they merge, sometimes the split, but stay parallel. and sometimes they go opposite.

I have found new love myself. I rather call it : a partner to walk the next stretch in my life with.
As long as we empower each other and share heart, I am happy.
So for the time being I will live with Patrick and have my love Dan. Two different loves.
And I will follow the directions of my heart and take another lane when I need to.

I know I am philosophical today. So be it. AMEN.

Hermie

 :)
« Last Edit: September 26, 2006, 05:33:58 AM by heartforyou »
Diagnosed in 1987 and still kicking
Viread, Kivexa (Epzicom),Viramune once daily

Happiness is the freedom of breathing fresh air every day.

Offline Matty the Damned

  • Member
  • Posts: 12,244
  • Ninja Please
Re: Open relationship - A solution?
« Reply #2 on: September 26, 2006, 05:10:08 AM »
Monogamous relationships never work for Matty the Damned. He's a notorious slut.

I always ended up cheating on my boyfriends when I was in monogamous entanglements. Tell me not to do something and, well you know how the rest of that goes.

It should come then as no surprise that when I started having non-monogamous relationships, I strayed much less. The best relationships I've had are non-monogamous. In fact I have a circle of fuck-buddies.

We all get along just fine. ;D

MtD

Offline Iggy

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,435
Re: Open relationship - A solution?
« Reply #3 on: September 26, 2006, 09:28:27 AM »
.
« Last Edit: January 12, 2007, 08:54:32 PM by Iggy »

Offline LatinAlexander

  • Member
  • Posts: 599
  • Bogota, Colombia
Re: Open relationship - A solution?
« Reply #4 on: September 26, 2006, 11:27:52 AM »
Call me an idiot...But I still hope I can find (someday, perhaps, hopefuly), THE ONE..And no be such an asshole to let it go away from me....

Yeah, yeah, a romantic..What can I do?

Alex
Poz since Jul 19 2006
Initial numbers : CD4-250 VL 3500
First labs after HAART (Dec 04-2006) : CD4-432 VL-<40 (Undetectable)  cd4%=25.11%
Started HAART: Combivir+Efavirenz Aug 26 7:38 pm
Feb 08 2007 - Gradually stopping HAART cause of Myalgia. Protecting Efavirenz. Stopped Efavirenz, ahead with Combivir....
February 17 Combivir stopped.
April 3 -07 : Started ddi+3tc+efavirenz...
Gay and positive (What a lack of Identity...:) )
Looking for my Ben....

Offline Longislander

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,486
Re: Open relationship - A solution?
« Reply #5 on: September 26, 2006, 07:23:18 PM »
I'm a one-man-man myself. To each his own, but stay away from mine! (if I ever get another one,that is!)
infected 10/05 diagnosed 12-05
2/06   379/57000                    6/07 372/30500 25%   4/09 640/U/32% 
5/06   ?? /37000                     8/07 491/55000/24%    9/09 913/U/39%
8/06   349/9500 25%              11/07 515/68000/24     2/10 845/U/38%
9/06   507/16,000 30% !          2/08  516/116k/22%    7/10 906/80/39%
12/06 398/29000 26%             Start Atripla 3/08
3/07   402/80,000 29%            4/08  485/undet!/27
4/07   507/35,000 25%            7/08 625/UD/34%
                                                 11/08 684/U/36%

Offline Matty the Damned

  • Member
  • Posts: 12,244
  • Ninja Please
Re: Open relationship - A solution?
« Reply #6 on: September 26, 2006, 07:26:09 PM »
I'm a one-man-man myself. To each his own, but stay away from mine! (if I ever get another one,that is!)

-Makes mental note: steal Islander's next boyfriend-

Bwhahahahahahah!

MtD

Offline Longislander

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,486
Re: Open relationship - A solution?
« Reply #7 on: September 26, 2006, 07:44:43 PM »
gonna be tough, he'll be chained to my ankle
infected 10/05 diagnosed 12-05
2/06   379/57000                    6/07 372/30500 25%   4/09 640/U/32% 
5/06   ?? /37000                     8/07 491/55000/24%    9/09 913/U/39%
8/06   349/9500 25%              11/07 515/68000/24     2/10 845/U/38%
9/06   507/16,000 30% !          2/08  516/116k/22%    7/10 906/80/39%
12/06 398/29000 26%             Start Atripla 3/08
3/07   402/80,000 29%            4/08  485/undet!/27
4/07   507/35,000 25%            7/08 625/UD/34%
                                                 11/08 684/U/36%

Offline Eldon

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,664
Re: Open relationship - A solution?
« Reply #8 on: September 26, 2006, 07:45:33 PM »
Hey Val,

LOVE is a heavy topic of discussion in itself. There are many different types of LOVE with the main (2) two being: 1) A plutonic love with friends, and 2) A managamous Love with (1) one partner. Actually, these types of LOVES are what makes up part of our lives.

Preferably one partner to focus on will do.


Make the BEST of each Day!

Offline Matty the Damned

  • Member
  • Posts: 12,244
  • Ninja Please
Re: Open relationship - A solution?
« Reply #9 on: September 26, 2006, 07:49:58 PM »
gonna be tough, he'll be chained to my ankle

It's cool. Matty the Damned is into that sort of thing. ;)

MtD

Offline Longislander

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,486
Re: Open relationship - A solution?
« Reply #10 on: September 26, 2006, 08:07:18 PM »
lol, ok , well if my new BF turns out to be into chains and shit, I'll let you have him!
infected 10/05 diagnosed 12-05
2/06   379/57000                    6/07 372/30500 25%   4/09 640/U/32% 
5/06   ?? /37000                     8/07 491/55000/24%    9/09 913/U/39%
8/06   349/9500 25%              11/07 515/68000/24     2/10 845/U/38%
9/06   507/16,000 30% !          2/08  516/116k/22%    7/10 906/80/39%
12/06 398/29000 26%             Start Atripla 3/08
3/07   402/80,000 29%            4/08  485/undet!/27
4/07   507/35,000 25%            7/08 625/UD/34%
                                                 11/08 684/U/36%

Offline Terry

  • Member
  • Posts: 339
  • 7/13/82 Infected
Re: Open relationship - A solution?
« Reply #11 on: September 26, 2006, 08:42:03 PM »

Val,

As a dyke friend of mine would say, “Whatever blows your shirt up.”

I’ve had many relationships in my life but only one true love in my life. For 26 years, sadly, I thought that I had a monogamist relationship with my lover. He didn’t look at it the same way and neglected to tell me.

Although I don’t think that an open relationship would work for me, I have seen many people that do quite well with this kind of arrangement. One particular couple in this forum (That I’ve not met or spoke with) seems to be very successful in an open relationship and I think they’re both HOT!

Another kind of relationship, that I couldn’t/wouldn’t understand when I was much younger was that of a John and his Hustler. One of my favorite people/friend from my past was an older extremely wealthy man. He had a number of young (Mostly Mexican) boy's that he kept and financially supported. It wasn't until after his death did I suddenly realize that these hustlers filled an empty vacuum in his life. One actually loved him.

It depends on what one feels that they might need from life in order to feel whole. And to many people that means different things. Love to one-person means all together another thing to the next person.



Offline David_CA

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,246
  • Joined: March 2006
Re: Open relationship - A solution?
« Reply #12 on: September 26, 2006, 08:59:25 PM »
I've never liked the term 'Open Relationship'.  To me, that implies a free-for-all, almost a lack of respect by not being honest about what's going on.  That would bother me.  The deceit, sneaking around, and dishonesty are what ruin relationships.  Fun among consenting adults along with honesty between the partners is entirely different.  Even then, there are many levels of sex in addition to that between partners:  anonymous sex, fuck buddies, and good friends that share intimacy with the couple are examples.  Of course, being secure with oneself and with each other is a necessity, as is honesty.  I'd certainly rather my husband have sex with another man (and be honest about it with me) than have him sneaking around with somebody else.  That would put up barriers in the relationship that would be hard for me to overcome. 

I'm not sure what to call a relationship like this if not an 'Open Relationship'.  Maybe that term would be OK if communication between partners is what is open.  Whatever... this type of relationship sure seems to work for several couples we know.

David

« Last Edit: September 27, 2006, 05:39:16 AM by David_NC »
Black Friday 03-03-2006
03-23-06 CD4 359 @27.4% VL 75,938
06-01-06 CD4 462 @24.3% VL > 100,000
08-15-06 CD4 388 @22.8% VL >  "
10-21-06 CD4 285 @21.9% VL >  "
  Atripla started 12-01-2006
01-08-07 CD4 429 @26.8% VL 1872!
05-08-07 CD4 478 @28.1% VL 740
08-03-07 CD4 509 @31.8% VL 370
11-06-07 CD4 570 @30.0% VL 140
02-21-08 CD4 648 @32.4% VL 600
05-19-08 CD4 695 @33.1% VL < 48 undetectable!
08-21-08 CD4 725 @34.5%
11-11-08 CD4 672 @39.5%
02-11-09 CD4 773 @36.8%
05-11-09 CD4 615 @36.2%
08-19-09 CD4 770 @38.5%
11-19-09 CD4 944 @33.7%
02-17-10 CD4 678 @39.9%  
06-03-10 CD4 768 @34.9%
09-21-10 CD4 685 @40.3%
01-10-11 CD4 908 @36.3%
05-23-11 CD4 846 @36.8% VL 80
02-13-12 CD4 911 @41.4% VL<20
You must be the change you want to see in the world.  Mahatma Gandhi

Offline GSOgymrat

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,054
  • HIV+ since 1993. INTJ
Re: Open relationship - A solution?
« Reply #13 on: September 27, 2006, 12:03:06 AM »
There may be something wrong with the way I view this but I think open relationships are fine unless there are minor children involved. I think raising children requires stability and energy that would make juggling multiple sexual partners difficult and undesirable. I know when I was growing up I would not be happy if my mom had a boyfriend, or boyfriends, in addition to my father.

Offline Matty the Damned

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  • Ninja Please
Re: Open relationship - A solution?
« Reply #14 on: September 27, 2006, 12:10:50 AM »
There may be something wrong with the way I view this but I think open relationships are fine unless there are minor children involved. I think raising children requires stability and energy that would make juggling multiple sexual partners difficult and undesirable.

I dunno. Unless you're shagging some trick on the coffee table during prime time, I can't see the harm. Kids seem to prosper no matter how inept, drunk or self-obsessed their parents are.

Well most of 'em.

MtD

Offline wellington

  • Member
  • Posts: 508
  • Don't sweat the little things.
Re: Open relationship - A solution?
« Reply #15 on: September 27, 2006, 02:44:24 PM »
Managing a successful relationship, of any kind, takes skill. I'd like to think, therefore, that the better the skill, the bigger the challenges which can be faced, and conquered. Open relationships to me have always been about caring - for yourself, and fo those you find yourself having relations with, be they sexual or otherwise. To me, sneaking around to satisfy one's desires is rather cowardly. You simply can't have your cake and eat it too - well, unless you talk about cake and eating it with all stakeholders in the kitchen!

My partner and I have been together for almost 17 years. The first 2 or 3 were monogamous, based on what we had been told were the "rules" by our parents and society. After that, we started to mutate those rules into a set of guiding priinciples, since we both loathe the concept of a rule - I'm sure Matty will agree ;) When things pop up that challenge our principles, we discuss it and we give ourselves permission to hang a veto if either of us is uncomfortable with the decision of the other. It's worked well, and it's a constantly evolving beastie. 2006 has been yet another significant test - in light of my testing poz and his continuing to test neg.

So, the crux of all this is that it works for us, but I certainly wouldn't advocate a particular version for anyone else. It all boils down to where you started, and what you're prepared to do to grow, both for yourself, and in relation to those with whom you share this life - being as mindful as possible of limits and sensibilities. We're not all, thank the stars, equal after all ;)

 


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