Quantcast

Subscribe to:
POZ magazine
Newsletters
Join POZ: Facebook MySpace Twitter Pinterest
Tumblr Google+ Flickr Instagram
POZ Personals
Sign In / Join
Username:
Password:
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
October 25, 2014, 07:46:06 PM

Login with username, password and session length


Members
  • Total Members: 23787
  • Latest: rvarona
Stats
  • Total Posts: 643588
  • Total Topics: 48970
  • Online Today: 203
  • Online Ever: 585
  • (January 07, 2014, 02:31:47 PM)
Users Online

Welcome


Welcome to the POZ/AIDSmeds Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, and others concerned about HIV/AIDS.  Click on the links below to browse our various forums; scroll down for a glance at the most recent posts; or join in the conversation yourself by registering on the left side of this page.

Privacy Warning:  Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.

  • The information shared in these forums, by moderators and members, is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between an individual and his/her own physician.

  • All members of these forums are, by default, not considered to be licensed medical providers. If otherwise, users must clearly define themselves as such.

  • Forums members must behave at all times with respect and honesty. Posting guidelines, including time-out and banning policies, have been established by the moderators of these forums. Click here for “Am I Infected?” posting guidelines. Click here for posting guidelines pertaining to all other POZ/AIDSmeds community forums.

  • We ask all forums members to provide references for health/medical/scientific information they provide, when it is not a personal experience being discussed. Please provide hyperlinks with full URLs or full citations of published works not available via the Internet. Additionally, all forums members must post information which are true and correct to their knowledge.

  • Product advertisement—including links; banners; editorial content; and clinical trial, study or survey participation—is strictly prohibited by forums members unless permission has been secured from POZ.

To change forums navigation language settings, click here (members only), Register now

Para cambiar sus preferencias de los foros en español, haz clic aquí (sólo miembros), Regístrate ahora

Finished Reading This? You can collapse this or any other box on this page by clicking the symbol in each box.

Author Topic: how do I become social?  (Read 3058 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline idee

  • Member
  • Posts: 310
  • Hi...
how do I become social?
« on: March 06, 2012, 10:52:26 PM »
I really want to be social but I am afraid of how people may see me. I am positive and not sure how to go about making new friends.
I could just be myself or I can just hide in my house like I have been doing.
Last May I joined a lodge that celebrates my culteral heritage. I am also told I would be welcomed at the meeting where they teach the language.
I am really nervous and do not know how to act.
My goal is to learn this language and put it on my resume once I finish school. I also would like to travel to the country my father is from. Is this ok to tell people?
I also have attention deficit but lately have found it easy to pick certain things up like crochet or quilting, I still have a lot to learn about both.
I guess I need to admit I am afraid to meet new people for fear of rejection. Which when I used to be healthy I never cared. I wish I was like that again.
« Last Edit: March 06, 2012, 10:54:20 PM by idee »

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 9,975
Re: how do I become social?
« Reply #1 on: March 07, 2012, 04:23:43 AM »
Idee, you go about being social the same ways you used to.  There is an aggravating factor, but you only have to share that with whomever you wish to.  I don't know where you live, but is there an ASO (Aids Service Organization) near by?  You may be able to find a support group there, or at least other people to talk to.

It sounds like you have something good going on, with that lodge.  What country was your father from, and what language are you going to learn?  That sounds very interesting.  Good luck, and remember to have fun!  No reason to hide. 
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline emeraldize

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,353
Re: how do I become social?
« Reply #2 on: March 07, 2012, 07:47:48 AM »
Hiya Idee,

BT's right -- do whatever you've done in the past to be social.

You've got an added complication with ADD. And, it's no surprise you can easily get into crocheting and quilting. That is something such close, detail-intensive work can take advantage of. It's known as hyper-focusing and is often a trait of someone with ADD. I've found Dr. Hallowell's books yield a lot of credible info about it because he has ADD. He's also helpful in explaining how to use aspects of it to your advantage and how to live with the rest. http://www.drhallowell.com/add-adhd/

See if your local library has one or more of his books.

I have to admit I'm a little confused regarding your fear of rejection at this lodge or elsewhere. Are you planning to be out about being HIV positive? If so, you've got a good reason to be concerned about rejection. Is it relevant information if what you're trying to do is learn more about the language and culture of your father's lineage?

If not, and I'm misunderstanding what you wrote, and you're afraid of being rejected in general, that's another aspect of ADD -- low self-esteem. You report not being like this before your diagnosis, and that's not only great but rather uncommon with ADD. So, why not try to recall how you felt about life and people? If you didn't care about how you were received in a new setting then call up those old visions of walking into a room and remember how you felt.

You are the same person -- you just have this goofball virus causing an interruption in your thinking. BT suggests a support group at an ASO -- and I agree with her if you're lucky enough to have one near you. It could be a perfect place to build up that old sense of self and meet new people who have HIV. If not, see if there's an ADD/ADHD support group for adults near you as that set of alphabet letters has a huge amount of impact on a person's life. Dealing with that might make dealing with HIV a little easier over time.

Em

Offline idee

  • Member
  • Posts: 310
  • Hi...
Re: how do I become social?
« Reply #3 on: March 07, 2012, 03:00:29 PM »
I am just nervous about what to say when I am asked what I do for a living. I don't want to say I am on SSI and stay home.
I am currently working on getting back into school. It won't happen until September. I am trying to stay motivated by doing housework but I guess that is where those groups might do me some good. And I will check that book out.
« Last Edit: March 07, 2012, 03:04:09 PM by idee »

Offline idee

  • Member
  • Posts: 310
  • Hi...
Re: how do I become social?
« Reply #4 on: March 07, 2012, 03:30:27 PM »
Just to let you know I fond the book in a library in my county and just made a request for the book. So in a couple days I can pick it up at my library.

Offline emeraldize

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,353
Re: how do I become social?
« Reply #5 on: March 07, 2012, 09:12:05 PM »
Hi Idee,

Glad you were able to find the book.

So when someone asks you what you do, first, you are not obliged to tell them anything. Second, you can be in control of how you describe what you want to share.

For example, if I were doing what you're doing now, preparing to go school, crocheting, quilting. I might say I'm handmade crafts artist and returning student starting this fall. Let's pretend they say OH! what's your medium? You can say creative quilting and crocheting. You could even say you hope to be showing some works in the coming year.

How does that feel to you? It gets you out of that what do you do/what do you do volley. And, it's just presenting the truth in a new package. When I was unemployed I said I was self-employed -- because it was true. I would babysit, freelance, whatever it took to get food and gas--legally.

When you note you're trying to stay motivated with housework is that your housework or are you doing housework for others?

Em

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: how do I become social?
« Reply #6 on: March 08, 2012, 07:00:12 AM »

I am just nervous about what to say when I am asked what I do for a living.


Why not just say you've been a stay-at-home mum who is, now that your daughter is older, going back to school in the fall to become a paralegal? No lies involved - cuz technically, it's true. They don't have to know (and probably won't ask) why you decided to be a stay-at-home mum. In fact, they'll probably envy you. Being a stay-at-home mum is a luxury these days. Good luck hun!



edited cuz ah can haz noz spelelling lolz
« Last Edit: March 08, 2012, 07:04:38 AM by Ann »
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline emeraldize

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,353
Re: how do I become social?
« Reply #7 on: March 08, 2012, 12:19:32 PM »
Hey Idee --

Are you going to school to become a paralegal?
If that's so, then roll with that -- I didn't see any mention of what your course of study is.

Em

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: how do I become social?
« Reply #8 on: March 08, 2012, 12:22:47 PM »

 I didn't see any mention of what your course of study is.


It's elsewhere in Idee's posting history - as well as the mention of having a fourteen year old daughter. :)
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline emeraldize

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,353
Re: how do I become social?
« Reply #9 on: March 08, 2012, 01:19:03 PM »
Fantastic on both counts!!!

Offline idee

  • Member
  • Posts: 310
  • Hi...
Re: how do I become social?
« Reply #10 on: March 08, 2012, 02:45:09 PM »
Thanks... you remembered me.
I will go with what Ann said to, just being honest. I am a terrible liar as my husband tells me when I try to say something was on sale.

Offline emeraldize

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,353
Re: how do I become social?
« Reply #11 on: March 08, 2012, 08:35:05 PM »
Yo Y'all!

Especially since you're headed to a career in the law, please revisit what I wrote-- in no way did I propose you lie. Ann referenced lying, too. Harumph!! So I'm going to point something out. I advised...

"For example, if I were doing what you're doing now, preparing to go school, crocheting, quilting. I might say I'm handmade crafts artist (TRUE) and returning student starting this fall (TRUE). Let's pretend they say OH! what's your medium? You can say creative quilting and crocheting. (TRUE-creativity is subjective)You could even say you hope to be showing some works in the coming year."  (AND TRUE, you'll be showing them to someone even if it's a family member--didn't say gallery or crafts fair, just said 'showing')

That's running with the truth. I don't advise people to lie because you can get backed into a corner and that's more painful than the social awkwardness you're trying to avoid. However, I do heartily endorse creative packaging when it serves to push away the all-too-frequently-asked  and often intrusive " What do YOU do?" question. And, you were concerned about how to field it.

 ;D Now--on to a rousing episode of Parks and Recreation!
Em

« Last Edit: March 08, 2012, 08:36:56 PM by emeraldize »

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: how do I become social?
« Reply #12 on: March 09, 2012, 05:27:13 AM »

Thanks... you remembered me.


Of course I did! ;)


I am a terrible liar as my husband tells me when I try to say something was on sale.


hehehehehe... I feel ya! ;D

Yo Y'all!

in no way did I propose you lie. Ann referenced lying, too. Harumph!!


I know you didn't Em - I know you wouldn't advise that at all.

But.... I did get the feeling from what Idee said that she was thinking she needed to make something up to hide the fact that she hadn't been working. I know the feeling. It can be difficult to admit that you haven't be "contributing to society" by working a paying job and paying the resultant taxes etc. - even when you don't throw hiv into the mix.

[rant]

All too often people don't realise the positive effect on society when a parent is able to stay at home during a child's early years. Parenting is seen as a part time job secondary to an "earning" job, but then when things go wrong and a kid gets into trouble, people always want to blame the parents. ie - "they weren't there." It's fucked up.

I wish society were more geared to the nurturing of small/young children. I wish society made sure it enabled one parent (I'm not going to be sexist by insisting it has to be the mother) stay at home while children are young without the whole family suffering and going homeless or having to choose between adequate household heating or food.

Far more children are living below the poverty line in both the UK and the US (and world-wide in general) than there are any other demographic. Is this really how we "nurture" our future generations? When society wilfully neglects it's youngest (and oldest) members, something has gone terribly wrong.

Ok, shut me up now before I really start ranting!

[/rant]

Idee, your daughter is lucky she had your time as she was growing up. That's something for you to be proud of, so don't ever let what other people think of stay-at-home mums bother you. You were both lucky and anyone who says otherwise is just jealous.

You seem like a really fun person, someone who would be nice to have around. Hold your head high, put a smile on your face (even sometimes when you feel nervous and don't feel like smiling) and I'm sure you'll find friends. You've already found friends here after putting yourself "out there" on the internet, now you just need to do it in "real life"! I'm sure you'll be fine. Just believe in yourself. You're strong, you're a survivor and you can do it! We're all rooting for you - we got your back.
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline emeraldize

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,353
Re: how do I become social?
« Reply #13 on: March 18, 2012, 10:25:20 AM »
Just to let you know I fond the book in a library in my county and just made a request for the book. So in a couple days I can pick it up at my library.

Checking back in, Idee -- have you had a chance to take a look at the book? And how are your efforts to connect at the lodge going?

Em

Offline emeraldize

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,353
Re: how do I become social?
« Reply #14 on: March 18, 2012, 10:29:35 AM »
I know you didn't Em - I know you wouldn't advise that at all.

Thanks for the follow-up, Ann.

 


Terms of Membership for these forums
 

© 2014 Smart + Strong. All Rights Reserved.   terms of use and your privacy
Smart + Strong® is a registered trademark of CDM Publishing, LLC.