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Author Topic: What do I do?  (Read 2576 times)

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Offline whatstheodds

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What do I do?
« on: March 04, 2012, 06:07:07 PM »
My diagnosis was in Feburary of 2011 and I started Complera in September when my VL was 1,400 I'm undetectable now and I'm 25 yrs old. I'm currently 3,000 miles from friends and family doing an internship so I can graduate in May and the fellow interns have made me an outcast because I don't drink I don't party and I don't try to have sex with as many girls as possible. On the weekends I'm left alone and not even asked ot be part of the group and it's driving me mad, they don't know all I've gone through to still be here and I'm just utterly frustrated. I can't tell them because they are immature and wouldn't understand I just want to feel as normal as possible but I don't know what to do.......

Offline newt

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Re: What do I do?
« Reply #1 on: March 04, 2012, 06:16:48 PM »
Hang out with different people/adults? I mean, they're behaving like wankers,  when you leave wherever you are you will never see them again, and May is but a few weeks hence.

Your path is your path, theirs isn't.

- matt
"The object is to be a well patient, not a good patient"

Offline tednlou2

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Re: What do I do?
« Reply #2 on: March 04, 2012, 10:21:41 PM »
Congrats on doing well on your meds.  About not fitting in--It's probably best you're not partying.  I don't party anymore.  So, I have a hard time fitting in with many of my old friends.  I've discovered that unless I'm drunk, too, they just get on my nerves.  Unless I'm buzzed, too, then having drinks spilled on me and burned with cigarettes isn't much fun.  Not the most fun even when buzzed, but a tad more tolerable.       

I agree with Newt--search out new friends, if possible.  I know easier said than done. 

Offline spacebarsux

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Re: What do I do?
« Reply #3 on: March 05, 2012, 12:16:10 AM »
the fellow interns have made me an outcast because I don't drink I don't party and I don't try to have sex with as many girls as possible.

Hi whatstheodds, how about hanging out with people who don't base their friendship on such superficialities? Maybe you were just hanging out with the wrong  sort of guys? You will find people like you buddy.  Just keep looking around.  :)

In my experience, forcing yourself to fit in with the a totally different sort of crowd doesn't really make you feel any less alone.

Hugs
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline whatstheodds

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Re: What do I do?
« Reply #4 on: March 05, 2012, 10:30:08 PM »
This situation is different they aren't friends we were all selected to be interns for this company that provides housing for us and for the next 55 days I'm forced to put wup wit h being an outcast because I don't party while being across the country from those that know me and care about me.

The second part is trying to find someone to date I've tried 3 times so far and when I've told the girl she's just wanted to be friends instead because she can't take the risk. And it hurts me because I know that they would have dated me if it wasn't for a mistake I made that will forever alter my life.

Offline cd4lover

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Re: What do I do?
« Reply #5 on: March 05, 2012, 10:50:30 PM »
This situation is different they aren't friends we were all selected to be interns for this company that provides housing for us and for the next 55 days I'm forced to put wup wit h being an outcast because I don't party while being across the country from those that know me and care about me.

The second part is trying to find someone to date I've tried 3 times so far and when I've told the girl she's just wanted to be friends instead because she can't take the risk. And it hurts me because I know that they would have dated me if it wasn't for a mistake I made that will forever alter my life.
1) It's hard...well to be honest it really depends from what kind of person you are. Since i'm very adaptive, it wouldn't be a huge problem for me.
IMHO...you don't have to force yourself...you don't wanna go out because you don't wanna drink...or whatever else?...don't go out with them. Why should you become mad just to make a favour to somebody you will never see again when the next 55 days are over?
If possible, but i might say...if you can...find someone else to frequent.

2) What i'm going to say will look very mean to someone...
Do you really have to tell them that u are HIV+?
If you take precautions, sex is safe...especially considering that you are UD.
Of course if there was any concrete possibility of passing the virus to the girl, i would have told her everything. But...this really isn't the case.
If the eventual story becomes serious, then you can tell her.
Then considering that we live in 2012, and that we both live in civilized contries, 2 things could happen:
A) Since she loves you, she won't care
B) Since she never loved you, or she's a retard, you'll break up.

But you will be fine because:

1)You've never exposed her to any risk
2)You've told her the truth
3)At the beginning you lied because of the paradigm "If she loves me she will accept it"
4)You cannot be responsible for other people unknowing
Last update: 20th February 2012

Offline whatstheodds

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Re: What do I do?
« Reply #6 on: March 05, 2012, 10:57:42 PM »
1) It's hard...well to be honest it really depends from what kind of person you are. Since i'm very adaptive, it wouldn't be a huge problem for me.
IMHO...you don't have to force yourself...you don't wanna go out because you don't wanna drink...or whatever else?...don't go out with them. Why should you become mad just to make a favour to somebody you will never see again when the next 55 days are over?
If possible, but i might say...if you can...find someone else to frequent.

2) What i'm going to say will look very mean to someone...
Do you really have to tell them that u are HIV+?
If you take precautions, sex is safe...especially considering that you are UD.
Of course if there was any concrete possibility of passing the virus to the girl, i would have told her everything. But...this really isn't the case.
If the eventual story becomes serious, then you can tell her.
Then considering that we live in 2012, and that we both live in civilized contries, 2 things could happen:
A) Since she loves you, she won't care
B) Since she never loved you, or she's a retard, you'll break up.

But you will be fine because:

1)You've never exposed her to any risk
2)You've told her the truth
3)At the beginning you lied because of the paradigm "If she loves me she will accept it"
4)You cannot be responsible for other people unknowing

In the state of Florida it is different. To be HIV+ and have sexual intercourse with someone (protected or not, detectable or undetectable) and failing to inform them of HIV+ status is a felony. The law is old and outdated but it's still there and I have to follow it or I risk being arrested.

Offline LM

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Re: What do I do?
« Reply #7 on: March 06, 2012, 02:49:25 AM »
In the state of Florida it is different. To be HIV+ and have sexual intercourse with someone (protected or not, detectable or undetectable) and failing to inform them of HIV+ status is a felony. The law is old and outdated but it's still there and I have to follow it or I risk being arrested.

I'm sorry for that. I hate the fact there are laws like that. Maybe you should consider moving to another state eventually.

Anyway, regarding the rest, try to hang on and do things that you like. You have friends, they are just not around you now, but if you feel lonely, give them a call or something. You don't need to feel accepted by those around you if they are stupid.

Once I spent 3 months in a different country doing an internship in a place I didn't even speak the language. So I took the time to do things I liked but usually didn't have time to, like reading some books, writing some stuff, etc. Time will fly if you do things you enjoy.

Offline cd4lover

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Re: What do I do?
« Reply #8 on: March 06, 2012, 09:09:29 AM »
In the state of Florida it is different. To be HIV+ and have sexual intercourse with someone (protected or not, detectable or undetectable) and failing to inform them of HIV+ status is a felony. The law is old and outdated but it's still there and I have to follow it or I risk being arrested.

Even if you don't infect your partner?  :o
That's so unfair, and hard to believe....especially in a State like Florida  >:(
Last update: 20th February 2012

Offline Ann

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Re: What do I do?
« Reply #9 on: March 06, 2012, 09:33:45 AM »
Odds, I guess that at 25, you're still young enough to feel like 55 days is an eternity. It ain't, not by a long shot. Keep yourself busy with your intern work and the time will go quicker than you realise. Find a subject that interests you and google it - for most subjects, you can find so much information that hours will pass by in the blink of an eye.

You're not planning on staying in this area, so why invest energy in finding friends or girlfriends there when you've got less than two months left there?

I think CD4lover gave you some bad advice concerning dating. If you're just out for a random shag, that's one thing, but if you're looking for a relationship that lasts, you need to be honest from the earliest possible time.

Waiting until you've been dating for a while to drop the hiv bombshell is a recipe for disaster, first and foremost because waiting too long will give the other person a sense of betrayal, of being lied to about something important - namely your health.

When you hide your hiv status at first and then eventually tell, it unconsciously sends the message that you are ashamed, that you are afraid of the virus. Our own attitude towards the virus has a lot to do with how others receive the news and people pick up on our attitude through many non-verbal means. Until you're ok with your status, you'll probably find it difficult to find people who are ok with it too.

Please learn all you can about transmission. This can do a lot to bolster your confidence in the dating arena - because hiv really isn't all that easy to transmit and all you need to do is to use condoms for intercourse. (Please read through the condom and lube links in my signature line. A correctly used condom rarely breaks.)

You may also be a candidate for starting treatment, as a person with an undetectable viral load is far less likely to be able to transmit his or her virus. Speak to your doctor about this, explaining that you are a single man who is interested in dating.

Being undetectable may boost your confidence with the ladies. I cannot stress enough how your own feelings about your virus will influence how others receive the news. If you're harbouring doubts and fears about onward transmission, this is going to come across in your demeanour whether you're conscious of it or not.

Where hiv is concerned, honesty is the best policy. I'm not just pontificating - I practice this in my own life and it works. I always tell people up-front, in a matter of fact way. I can answer any transmission questions because I've done my transmission homework. I've yet to be turned down based on my hiv status.

There is a woman out there for you who will love you hiv and all, you just need the self-confidence to find her.
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline arlvarunner

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Re: What do I do?
« Reply #10 on: March 06, 2012, 09:34:12 AM »
In the state of Florida it is different. To be HIV+ and have sexual intercourse with someone (protected or not, detectable or undetectable) and failing to inform them of HIV+ status is a felony. The law is old and outdated but it's still there and I have to follow it or I risk being arrested.

In the state of Virginia where I live "It is also a crime for someone who is HIV positive to have sexual intercourse, oral sex or anal sex with a partner without informing the the person about the infection. The transmitter can be charged with "infected sexual battery," a Class 1 misdemeanor."

For me, on this issue I think it is more about personal ethics than law. I could never have sex with anyone without informing them of my status, protected or not.

But onto your original question: I think I can identify with your situation since I am closer to your age and in a similar situation myself. I'm 30 years old, and back in college with people who are 8-12 years younger than me. I am on completely different levels of maturity and responsibility from my classmates, as I assume you are from the other interns in your group. You seem to have a level head, and a grasp on your diagnosis. May I ask, do you live in Florida, or is that where you are for your internship? Either way, have you considered seeking out a support group where you are? No one from your intern group needs to know where you are going, but if you can find a group of people with the same diagnosis where you are, it might be easier for you to identify with them. Just keep in mind that, in the long run, 55 days is a very short amount of time, and you'll be back home before you know it.
"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen." - Winston Churchill

Offline arlvarunner

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Re: What do I do?
« Reply #11 on: March 06, 2012, 09:37:00 AM »

There is a woman out there for you who will love you hiv and all, you just need the self-confidence to find her.

Hear, hear!
"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen." - Winston Churchill

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: What do I do?
« Reply #12 on: March 07, 2012, 01:24:58 PM »
Just wanted to chime in and confirm that Ann is one of the wisest living people to grace these boards.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: What do I do?
« Reply #13 on: March 07, 2012, 01:53:01 PM »
Just wanted to chime in and confirm that Ann is one of the wisest living people to grace these boards.



Really? OK, let me know when that "woman out there" is available for me.
"Iíve slept with enough men to know that Iím not gay"

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: What do I do?
« Reply #14 on: March 07, 2012, 03:52:02 PM »
Really? OK, let me know when that "woman out there" is available for me.

Oh, Miss Philicia, you ARE the woman of your dreams :)
"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline cd4lover

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Re: What do I do?
« Reply #15 on: March 07, 2012, 07:18:20 PM »
I think CD4lover gave you some bad advice concerning dating. If you're just out for a random shag, that's one thing, but if you're looking for a relationship that lasts, you need to be honest from the earliest possible time.

Waiting until you've been dating for a while to drop the hiv bombshell is a recipe for disaster, first and foremost because waiting too long will give the other person a sense of betrayal, of being lied to about something important - namely your health.

When you hide your hiv status at first and then eventually tell, it unconsciously sends the message that you are ashamed, that you are afraid of the virus. Our own attitude towards the virus has a lot to do with how others receive the news and people pick up on our attitude through many non-verbal means. Until you're ok with your status, you'll probably find it difficult to find people who are ok with it too.

Of course we can have a different opinion.  :)
But i'm not sure that, hiding our status, means that i'm afraid of the virus.
If i hide my status, is because i'm worried about what could be the result of an anticipated disclosure.
Before telling i'm HIV+, i wanna be 100% sure that, there's a strong and real interest between the 2 people and that there's all the needed to build a solid future together.

I also have to say that, it depends a lot on the scenario where you live...what kind of people you have around...in what kind of society you live.

Mine was and is just an idea...cause to be onest, i've never faced a scenario like whatstheodds one.  ;)
« Last Edit: March 07, 2012, 07:20:50 PM by cd4lover »
Last update: 20th February 2012

Offline Jeff G

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Re: What do I do?
« Reply #16 on: March 07, 2012, 07:39:00 PM »
Before telling I'm HIV+, i wanna be 100% sure that, there's a strong and real interest between the 2 people and that there's all the needed to build a solid future together.

I think perhaps in a dating situation you may never be able to get to that 100% threshold until after you choose to disclose .


Offline buginme2

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Re: What do I do?
« Reply #17 on: March 07, 2012, 07:52:04 PM »

Before telling i'm HIV+, i wanna be 100% sure that, there's a strong and real interest between the 2 people and that there's all the needed to build a solid future together.


Sounds like a recipe for disappointment

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: What do I do?
« Reply #18 on: March 07, 2012, 08:00:41 PM »
Sounds like a recipe for disappointment

Well maybe, but you gotta admit it's better than a diaper full of poop, amirite?

 :D

MtD

Offline cd4lover

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Re: What do I do?
« Reply #19 on: March 07, 2012, 08:44:48 PM »
Sounds like a recipe for disappointment

Not if i am prepared for it.
If there's love, HIV+, HIV- makes no difference.
If he/she accepts...then...love, maybe you've found the perfect person.
If he/she doesn't...i tried...and i hope he/she understands why i came out only at that time.

Onestly i prefer to boil my liver of due to sadness, than telling at the first/second/third date...hey...i am positive...because, gossip, here in Italy at least....is part of our genome.  :D
Last update: 20th February 2012

Offline buginme2

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Re: What do I do?
« Reply #20 on: March 07, 2012, 11:29:06 PM »
Well maybe, but you gotta admit it's better than a diaper full of poop, amirite?

 :D

MtD

Haha Wow
Not if i am prepared for it.
If there's love, HIV+, HIV- makes no difference.
If he/she accepts...then...love, maybe you've found the perfect person.
If he/she doesn't...i tried...and i hope he/she understands why i came out only at that time.


Thats not what I meant.  You can be positive and have a negative partner.   My partner is negative.  The fact that we have a serodiscordant relationship is about the least dramatic part of our relationship. 

The problem is that your say you wont disclose until you are 100% sure you are in a strong relationship.  Waiting until you feel 100% in a relationship before you disclose is setting yourself up for failure.  How is the other person supposed to trust you if you withhold such an important thing? 

Offline spacebarsux

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Re: What do I do?
« Reply #21 on: March 08, 2012, 12:29:46 AM »
because, gossip, here in Italy at least....is part of our genome.  :D

I think it's a part of the human genome.  ;D
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline Buckmark

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Re: What do I do?
« Reply #22 on: March 08, 2012, 08:36:33 AM »
I think perhaps in a dating situation you may never be able to get to that 100% threshold until after you choose to disclose .

Jeff makes a good point.  As long as you haven't disclosed this important aspect of your life, it will always be on your mind, and you likely won't have that "100%".  It is actually disclosure that will get you closer to 100%. 
"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:
     One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.
     The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love."
- Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

Offline LM

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Re: What do I do?
« Reply #23 on: March 08, 2012, 08:40:32 AM »
How is the other person supposed to trust you if you withhold such an important thing?

Well, we don't tell everything about ourselves upfront, so why with HIV it should be different? I agree it has to be told at some point because if it's too late, it may give the other person a sense of betrayal. But I think one has to find the right time and the right person to tell. For someone who is already open about their status, it's one thing; for someone who isn't, it's quite complicated to trust telling that.

Offline cd4lover

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Re: What do I do?
« Reply #24 on: March 08, 2012, 08:54:01 AM »
Umh i'm pretty sure that every one who isn't italian, also has a lot of more interesting and usefull stuff in DNA xD.

@buginme2:
Maybe i've been a little unaccurate.
When i say 100% sure...i mean 100% sure that she/he will understand...not a 100% strong relationship.
Meanwhile i go out and start to like a person, i also start to understand how this person really is.
It will come the time when i'll be 100% sure that when i'll disclose, i'll be understood.

But this is just a guess...it's not science.
And of course it could end up in failure.

For me it stills the kind of failure of having to listen to the words "I'm sorry, i cannot take the risk", after having said "I wanna be onest with you...i'm HIV+", because it makes me think that if instead of it said something like..."I've to be onest with you...i've been convicted for 10 years due to a bank robbery" , i would have been accepted.

Sorry about the bad english xD...i still have to wake up properly today.
Last update: 20th February 2012

Offline denb45

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Re: What do I do?
« Reply #25 on: March 08, 2012, 09:33:52 AM »
When I 1st met my partner (he's Neg by the way) he already knew, so that was something I didn't have to worry about, had he not have know, I would have told him
way before we did the deed, but that's just my opinion, everyone has a different view & a way that works best for them  ;)
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline TexasPOZ

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Re: What do I do?
« Reply #26 on: March 12, 2012, 02:19:56 AM »
I hope you can meet some decent people to spend your time with. It sounds to me like you are someone who deserves to be with people who know life is more than partying. Best of luck to you.

Offline whatstheodds

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Re: What do I do?
« Reply #27 on: March 12, 2012, 10:33:41 PM »
So in regards to dating I've decided that the best move is to not. I'm not able to emotionally handle being told "I can't date you because of your HIV" and until I'm able to handle that I shouldn't keep opening that wound by trying to date.

The other part is that it's selfish for me to want to date when I confront a healthy girl and tell her I have this thing that you likely won't catch but will always be in the back of your mind and it's something that she shouldn't have to deal with because it was my mistake that landed me in this boat to begin with.

So I'm just going to keep the few friends I have that I'm 3,000 miles from and then hope at some point I become able to handle the rejection that I'll repeatedly face because of my own error.

Offline phost86

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Re: What do I do?
« Reply #28 on: March 12, 2012, 11:27:12 PM »
I agree with the replies that your time there is temporary and use it to study. Keep doing what you do and people will come around:) Your still to meet many, many people. Don't sweat it.

 


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