Quantcast

Subscribe to:
POZ magazine
E-newsletters
Join POZ: Facebook MySpace Twitter Pinterest
Tumblr Google+ Flickr MySpace
POZ Personals
Sign In / Join
Username:
Password:
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
September 24, 2014, 01:25:58 AM

Login with username, password and session length


Members
Stats
  • Total Posts: 639908
  • Total Topics: 48584
  • Online Today: 173
  • Online Ever: 585
  • (January 07, 2014, 02:31:47 PM)
Users Online
Users: 5
Guests: 153
Total: 158

Welcome


Welcome to the POZ/AIDSmeds Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, and others concerned about HIV/AIDS.  Click on the links below to browse our various forums; scroll down for a glance at the most recent posts; or join in the conversation yourself by registering on the left side of this page.

Privacy Warning:  Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.

  • The information shared in these forums, by moderators and members, is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between an individual and his/her own physician.

  • All members of these forums are, by default, not considered to be licensed medical providers. If otherwise, users must clearly define themselves as such.

  • Forums members must behave at all times with respect and honesty. Posting guidelines, including time-out and banning policies, have been established by the moderators of these forums. Click here for “Am I Infected?” posting guidelines. Click here for posting guidelines pertaining to all other POZ/AIDSmeds community forums.

  • We ask all forums members to provide references for health/medical/scientific information they provide, when it is not a personal experience being discussed. Please provide hyperlinks with full URLs or full citations of published works not available via the Internet. Additionally, all forums members must post information which are true and correct to their knowledge.

  • Product advertisement—including links; banners; editorial content; and clinical trial, study or survey participation—is strictly prohibited by forums members unless permission has been secured from POZ.

To change forums navigation language settings, click here (members only), Register now

Para cambiar sus preferencias de los foros en español, haz clic aquí (sólo miembros), Regístrate ahora

Finished Reading This? You can collapse this or any other box on this page by clicking the symbol in each box.

Author Topic: My partner is looking around for extracurricular activities  (Read 2321 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline HARLEY_B

  • Member
  • Posts: 67
My partner is looking around for extracurricular activities
« on: February 07, 2012, 01:06:01 PM »
 I know it's not uncommon but I keep finding evidence that my partner is cruising Craigslist and other sites looking for hookups. I guess it's my fault since my libido has been in the dumps lately. I'm + and he's not so his libido is normal. It just makes me feel bad I guess because I'm not keeping him fulfilled. I'm just venting. I know I'm not the first or the last person this has happened to. Thanks for listening.

                                                                 Tim

Offline wolfter

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,548
Re: My partner is looking around for extracurricular activities
« Reply #1 on: February 07, 2012, 01:17:26 PM »
You're dealing with several issues here even if you don't see it.  HIV in itself, does not cause a loss of sex drive.  There might be an underlying medical or psychological issue.

If you're in a committed relationship, even a loss of sex drive does not give your partner permission to cruise sex sites.  Are you even certain he is "hooking up" or just perusing them.

Are you afraid of speaking up for fear that he'll leave or do you feel less worthy than him? 

I try to never give point blank advice on how to handle life situations like these, but I do know how I'd handle it.  It would be a "we have to talk" moment that everyone detests.  The cards would be revealed and a true and honest communication would happen.  Avoiding the subject will ultimately lead to anger and resentment.

Take care and best wishes.

Wolfie
Complacency is the enemy.  ;)  Challenge yourself daily for maximum  return on investment.

Offline Buckmark

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,526
  • Would you like to tie me up with your ties, Ty?
    • Henry's Home Page
Re: My partner is looking around for extracurricular activities
« Reply #2 on: February 07, 2012, 01:23:38 PM »
I know it's not uncommon but I keep finding evidence that my partner is cruising Craigslist and other sites looking for hookups. I guess it's my fault since my libido has been in the dumps lately. I'm + and he's not so his libido is normal. It just makes me feel bad I guess because I'm not keeping him fulfilled. I'm just venting. I know I'm not the first or the last person this has happened to. Thanks for listening.

                                                                 Tim

Why is this your fault?  There's no need for you to take responsibility for your partner's actions.  If the agreements of your relationship do not include sex with others, then he's broken an agreement, which hurts.  He should be discussing this with you -- and you should do the same with him.  There's nothing like disagreements over sex to sour a relationship, except possibly disagreements that go undiscussed.

As far as your libido goes, being HIV+ does not automatically means you have a low libido (ask some of our forum members!).  There are many reasons for low libido, and I'm hoping you are discussing this with a healthcare professional.  As far as your partner's libido being normal, well, like so many things there's probably no such thing as a "normal" libido.  It can really vary quite widely from person to person, and even each individual has swings.

Hang in there.  And talk to your partner!

Henry
"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:
     One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.
     The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love."
- Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

Offline HARLEY_B

  • Member
  • Posts: 67
Re: My partner is looking around for extracurricular activities
« Reply #3 on: February 07, 2012, 01:25:00 PM »
Thank you Wolfie. Nice to hear from you. I believe that right now he is just looking around and, yeah, I do kind of feel like damaged goods so to speak but I do work all the time and have been going to school for the last 3  years as well so it's just kind of left me drained. To be blunt, I'm just not as randy as I used to be..It's a combination of things though.


                                                                      Tim

Offline HARLEY_B

  • Member
  • Posts: 67
Re: My partner is looking around for extracurricular activities
« Reply #4 on: February 07, 2012, 01:26:59 PM »
 Thank you for your advice as well Henry. You guys have more answers than I do. I'm sure things will work out one way or the other.

Offline Stlguy1976

  • Member
  • Posts: 37
Re: My partner is looking around for extracurricular activities
« Reply #5 on: February 07, 2012, 01:29:04 PM »
Good advice Wolfie.  Whenever I have suspected a partner of cheating etc. I just hit it head on otherwise it eats me up. 

Harley, I am in a similar situation as you as I am + and my parter is neg.  I was just recently diagnosed in Oct 11 but was fairly sick most of 2011 and was not much in the mood to have sex.  I had those same feelings as you had about feeling like you could not fulfull your partners needs.  Now that I am on meds and things are returning to"normal" for me some of those fears have subsided.  Even though I am + I feel that I deserve to have a partner that is honest and faithful (assuming that is the level of committment that you have made to each other). 

I think as Wolfie said until you have that conversation you will continue to feel the uncertainty that is eating you up.  Hang in there and I am sure you will do what is best for you. 

Steve
Diagnosed: October 4, 2011
11/2/11 - CD4 21 2% VL 1,200,000 (started Atripla)
12/16/2011 - CD4 207 13% VL???
03/14/2012- CD4 148 11% VL UD
06/13/2012 - CD4 230 12% VL UD
09/27/2012 - CD4 220 13% VL
1/2/2013 - CD4 237 12% VL UD
4/27/2013 - CD4 251 12% VL 290
6/26/2013 - CD4 256 15% VL UD
6/26/2013 switched to Complera
10/16/2013 - CD4 278 15% VL UD?
1/18/2014 - CD4 308 VL UD

Offline Joe K

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 3,675
  • 31 Years Poz
Re: My partner is looking around for extracurricular activities
« Reply #6 on: February 07, 2012, 03:36:34 PM »
I know it's not uncommon but I keep finding evidence that my partner is cruising Craigslist and other sites looking for hookups. I guess it's my fault since my libido has been in the dumps lately. I'm + and he's not so his libido is normal. It just makes me feel bad I guess because I'm not keeping him fulfilled. I'm just venting. I know I'm not the first or the last person this has happened to. Thanks for listening.

                                                                 Tim

Hey Tim,

I'm sorry this is happening, but I wanted to comment on you not keeping him fulfilled.  To me, fulfillment comes from within, yes others can contribute to it, but true fulfillment is self taught.  It sounds like you may benefit from looking at some of your other issues, along with his.  It takes two to make a relationship and sometimes it involves tender subjects, but if the two of you want to be together, you both need to work on these issues together.

Joe

Offline HARLEY_B

  • Member
  • Posts: 67
Re: My partner is looking around for extracurricular activities
« Reply #7 on: February 08, 2012, 12:11:17 AM »
Thank you Joe for your input. You are undoubtedly right in thinking I have some issues of my own to work out and together we both have things to deal with. It just seems that I don't have enough energy to tackle some of it. I guess it just hurt me to find that he'd been looking through the personals on Craigslist for a hookup.

Online mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 11,729
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: My partner is looking around for extracurricular activities
« Reply #8 on: February 08, 2012, 12:45:44 AM »
At the level of the couple, sounds like two questions to discuss with each other.  Might not even need to be a big deal, but might be.

1) Whether either of you can screw with other guys.
2) Why you aren't having sex with each other.

Don't have a crystal ball into how you two operate. 

I almost always have open relationships.  And number 1) above only becomes an issue when 2) isn't working.  I mean if there isn't enough sex for one partner, or the other, or both, then its usually not a good situation.  And then someone gets persnickety or hurt or jealous about the outside sex. Or both do!

My experience is that libido can disappear but I've found that if it is really for awhile, and seems to be an issue, and if I start explaining to myself that I don't want to fuck my partner because of heavy demands elsewhere, I'm usually a bit deluded.  Time in different couples has shown me its usually a problem in my couple, not my life responsibilities wearing down my libido. But as I said, that's just my own experience.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Solo_LTSurvivor

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,176
  • Twerk Baby Twerk
Re: My partner is looking around for extracurricular activities
« Reply #9 on: February 08, 2012, 07:17:16 PM »
Harley, I hope that you get everything sorted out.
« Last Edit: February 08, 2012, 09:54:24 PM by Solo_LTSurvivor »
don't equate intelligence with lack of masculinity
Jim Phelps, Mission Impossible
____________________________

Seroconverted: Early 80s
Tested & confirmed what I already knew: early 90s

Current regimen: Atripla. 
Last regimen:  Epzicom, Sustiva (since its inception with NO adverse side effects: no vivid dreams and NONE of the problems people who can't tolerate this drug may experience: color me lucky ::))
Past regimens
Fun stuff (in the past):  HAV/HBV, crypto, shingles, AIDS, PCP

Jan 2012: 818/21%
Apr 2012: 964/22%
Jul. 2012: 890/21%
Oct. 2012: 920/23%

Still UD after all these years

Offline denb45

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,051
  • "1987 Classic Old School POZ+"
Re: My partner is looking around for extracurricular activities
« Reply #10 on: February 08, 2012, 07:43:49 PM »
I'm in agreement with what others members have said, NEVER blame yourself for something like this (respect yourself ) even when your partner isn't or won't your better than this, have "The Talk" with him, and pick his brain a little, find out what he wants in a relationship with you, maybe it may be something you both can agree on, or can do together, just make sure your both on the same page  ;)
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline HARLEY_B

  • Member
  • Posts: 67
Re: My partner is looking around for extracurricular activities
« Reply #11 on: February 09, 2012, 12:36:07 AM »
Thank you for your input guys. I knew you could shed some light on the subject for me. I'm sure things will work out the way they're meant to be. We've been together over 5 years now and it just kind stymied me. We'll talk it out and see what is what. I'll keep you posted. Thank you for your input.

Offline TexasPOZ

  • Member
  • Posts: 46
Re: My partner is looking around for extracurricular activities
« Reply #12 on: March 12, 2012, 05:25:42 PM »
Hi Harley,
You already have enough to deal with without worrying about whether or not your fulfilling him sexually. It's not your fault, so don't blame yourself or feel bad about it. Sit the man down and have a talk with him and let him know how you feel. 

Offline LiveWithIt

  • Member
  • Posts: 388
Re: My partner is looking around for extracurricular activities
« Reply #13 on: March 12, 2012, 08:30:22 PM »

                                                                 Tim

I thought your avatar was a penis head going into a vagina.   :o
Pray God you can cope
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.

Offline buca45

  • Member
  • Posts: 187
Re: My partner is looking around for extracurricular activities
« Reply #14 on: March 13, 2012, 03:11:13 AM »
We have been together for 15 years and he is neg, me poz for long over 20 years. When we first met, he was just coming into the whole gay scene and he was very naive about the whole cruising thing. He was shocked (to put it mildly) about back rooms, glory holes, etc and that really turned  him off to the whole scene. Of course since I have been active since around 13, very active, I guided him through the whole gay scene...sexual and social. He is still not comfortable around groups of gays as he is uber masculine and doesnt care for fems at all. Can anyone honestly say they know only str8 acting and appearing gay men in their circle of friends? That is ALL he is into...luckily I fit the bill as he tells me I am the sexiest and hottest man he has ever known and is lucky to  have me as his man....and I feel the same about him. Really good relationship that has taken years to perfect.
Can't say I blame him for his indifference to the bar/cruising scene as it can get brutal out there. I have encouraged him to 'date' for sex only on the condition that he does not 'fall in love' with anyone else. LOL on my part right? His idea of a hot hot time was to find a big burly hairy dude just to make out with...not neccessarily the sex part. The few times that he has had sex with others (some real hotties, neg also) he has done it with me in a some what removed (on my part) threesome. We are both fine and accepting with this arrangement and it only happens very seldom.
This weekend we talked about it and he flat out asked me if I was still attracted to him and told me I was still and always will be the hottest dude for him and he would not want to be with any one else. I guess he was looking for encouragment that I felt the same about him (I do) and he needed to hear that I would be with him forever. Which I was very careful in assuring him this is how I still...and always would feel about him.
THEN the new part of our 'situation' came up and he told me he needed more than what we were doing...I suspect he means by himself. Again, I told him this was fine with me with the only stipulation that we communicate when we do act on this basic man need. I have the utmost trust in him and what and how he choses to behave with other men. We have a strong 'truth only' thing and I trust him to tell me all about his adventures as I do tell him mine. (Funny thing, since he really doesnt have that much of a sexual history, he lives vicariously though my thousands of random hook ups and actually gets off when I tell him the details of how I used to operate.)
I really have lost a lot of the sex part with him (and others) and blame 99.9% of it on the 11 drugs I take daily and the 24/7 lousy pains I live with. This has def taken a toll on my libido which used to be present in abundance. For the first few hours of the day, I am in such pain a touch makes me yell in pain...fuck I usually don't even speak until my pain meds kick in...and once that happens, the side effects KILL any sort of sex drive I have. Ever try to cum with pain pills, Xanax and anti depressants? Frustrating to say the least. I also am scared shitless that I will be the one to infect him...something, if it did occur would cause me to kill myself!!
Is this something that might work in your situation? Giving him the trust and space he might need to meet with and hook up with other men? Trust is essential here as is open communication. Without it, moving forward with this plan will end up with you probably putting your relationship in danger.
I don't recommend this with everyone as it has taken us a lot of work to get to where we are through the good and bad. We are now in a comfortable and trusting relationship and while the thought of him running out and falling in love with someone is on my mind, I think...no I know this will not happen, but still as much as I trust him the thought is still in the back of my mind.

Again, this situation works out for us but it has taken a ton of work and trust that can only be gained by honesty and open communication. I am only telling you how we worked through it and how we are now looking at working our way through this new arrangement of him seeing others on his own. Am I putting myself at risk of losing him....I don't believe so...I trust and love him too much to feel that.
All I want for him is to be totally fulfilled sexually and I know I don't feel I am able to give this to him. As I said before he has allowed me to be as sexual as I care to be (even that is slowing down dramatically) and has trusted me to no end. It is only right of me to allow him to find other men to fulfill this need that is coming to the surface. Why should he be forced to not have sex just because my libido is shot to hell? Isn't one person suffering though a basically sexless life, in a long term relationship enough for a  couple?
I know I will be getting some harsh comments and questions, but I do feel your concerns and they are hard as hell to live with. As much as my illnesses have placed a burden on his mental health, I can't bear to feel responsible for this vital part of life being absent in his life.

Hope this all makes sense...if not feel free to ask as many questions of me and I ll do my best to see I can help you with your problem.

Good luck and no matter what anyone else has to say about and judge your relationship, in the end it matters to no one but the two of you.
"Love and Laughter and Happiness Ever After"

Offline weasel

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,681
Re: My partner is looking around for extracurricular activities
« Reply #15 on: March 18, 2012, 11:46:22 AM »
I know it's not uncommon but I keep finding evidence that my partner is cruising Craigslist and other sites looking for hookups. I guess it's my fault since my libido has been in the dumps lately. I'm + and he's not so his libido is normal. It just makes me feel bad I guess because I'm not keeping him fulfilled. I'm just venting. I know I'm not the first or the last person this has happened to. Thanks for listening.

                                                                 Tim

   Hey Harley ,    Cruising Craigslist .....   Not really cheating .

    I am in a  32 plus  year marriage .   My  partner is  NEG . 
 
   I've been POZ for our whole relationship .    When I was young and  healthy I loved sex . Not so much anymore .   I look at Craigs List  , Check out Poz.com .   Gay .com .

  Does NOT mean I am wanting to hook up .  NOPE !  Never have cheated .

   It is more like  porno for me .   Sometimes  it  gets me in the mood .

   My concern is why are you checking the  history on the computer so often .   

  I hope it works out well  for you two .   I know it is very hard  when your partner

  can only  love you , But will never really know the pain .

   At one point I did have to say :   I do not like you doing that  >:( , nuff said .

                                                                                         Weasel   :-*

P.S.

    buca45 , Your response about your mornings are just like mine !
   I have really bad mornings . 

 
" Live and let Live "

Offline deibster

  • Member
  • Posts: 153
Re: My partner is looking around for extracurricular activities
« Reply #16 on: March 19, 2012, 01:49:57 AM »
Hang in there Harley!
I have to agree with buca; monogamy is overrated. I've been together with my husband for 16 years. He's the neg. one, he's older & has NO libido. I went to the urologist with him (viagra didn't work) & the psychiatrist with him. He's not interested in trying anything more complicated than viagra/cialis.

When we worked, I had reasons to come home late at night, therapist, visiting grown children. If I was later than usual & I said I stopped for a snack he didn't question that. If he really wanted to know, he'd ask where'd you eat? What did you eat? So, I came to the conclusion that he doesn't want to know what I do when I come home up to an hour after the bars close. The bars close at 1AM here but in the tourist season there are pizza & burger places that stay open until 2 AM for the after bar crowd. So now that we don't work, have disability/pensions, I stay out until 1 to 2AM a few times a month. If he wakes up, he calls me & I tell him that I'm getting a beer & I'll be home in a while. He doesn't push further than that. Since he has NO sex drive, I don't see anything wrong with this. If he wanted to know, he'd ask detailed questions about where I was, like he did when we had a sex life.

I use Androgel, topical testosterone prescription. You might ask your doc about that to try to improve your energy level & your sex life at home. Best of luck.
Hugs from Provincetown, Deibster ;)
« Last Edit: March 19, 2012, 01:58:16 AM by deibster »
Poz since Dec 1992. Meds since 1995. Disability since 2005.

Prezista/Norvir, Epzicom, Cytomel, Prevacid, pravastatin, Fenofibrate, Remeron, Zoloft, Concerta, doxazosin, Allegra180, Nasocort, Centrum, Flax Oil, Fish Oil

Offline pumpizzy

  • member
  • Posts: 1
Re: My partner is looking around for extracurricular activities
« Reply #17 on: March 29, 2012, 04:53:09 PM »
Hi.

I know and understand what you are going through.In my case though my hubby who is negative asked me to move out to the guest room which I refused and rather ask him to move.He had earlier told me that he is tired and no longer feels himself in the relationship-which I then took to mean he wants out and because of the shock I wished him well.To matter matters worse I had been admitted to Pscychiatrical hospital for three weeks.I had been unemployed for quite a while and I had thought both of of us wanted a baby and where planning to have one.My life was basically slowly going down.However God gave me new joy I found a job and am planning to move on with my life single and enjoying every moment.

I hope your situation turns around regardless of your status there are people who will love and cherish you.

Take care

Pum

Offline Oceanbeach

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,565
Re: My partner is looking around for extracurricular activities
« Reply #18 on: March 29, 2012, 06:47:30 PM »
Hey Tim,

I am running Craigslist ads for the forever wonderful person in my life, non-stop for two years.  The responses come to my email first and there has never been a good one...  Come on, Craigslist offers business services too.  It surprises me how many people try to scam a law firm.  Isn't it possible your partner is just looking at pictures?  No harm there   8)  Have the best day
Michael

 


Terms of Membership for these forums
 

© 2014 Smart + Strong. All Rights Reserved.   terms of use and your privacy
Smart + Strong® is a registered trademark of CDM Publishing, LLC.