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Author Topic: Navigating serodiscordant sex as someone who is POZ  (Read 1164 times)

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Offline funnyguy

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Navigating serodiscordant sex as someone who is POZ
« on: February 14, 2012, 02:10:05 AM »
Hi everyone,

First, this is my first post in a very long time. I posted a couple years ago when I was originally diagnosed. The responses on here were very helpful during that difficult time, so thank you for that.

Second, here's my situation. I have been in a deeply committed, loving and healthy relationship with the same man for nearly the last three years. We have recently decided to open up the relationship and have turned to online avenues to meet men.

Anyway, we have both made the choice to be very open about our statuses with potential partners. This is chasing away many prospective partners, which is fine by us. We want to meet people we have a friendly connection with who are comfortable and mature enough to deal with the fact that we are POZ. That's also why there's usually a lengthy amount of conversation (days at least) prior to actually meeting up.

I recently met a man who is negative and comfortable with my status. We hit it off and I went to meet him. We ended up getting physical. We performed oral sex on one another, made out. It was kind of a big moment for me because I felt it was the first time I was stepping back into the sexual world post-diagnosis, like as if it was representative of how far I've come with accepting my diagnosis. Suffice to say, I'm kind of proud of myself.

Here's the rub, so to speak. At one point during our roll in the sheets, he grabs my penis and rubs it against the outer part of his anus. I precum a lot and I had just been rimming him/rubbing my stubble against him. Any chance of transmission in this scenario. From what I understand there isn't, but I just wanted a conclusive answer from you all.

More importantly, I got the sense that he actually wanted me to insert myself into him. He knows my status. And I informed him very directly at one point while getting hot and heavy that I would not be topping him under any conditions for now (I'm not really much of a top anyway). But even after I informed him, he still grabbed my penis and seemed to try to slide it into him.

What's up with this? I'd like to think he was just in the moment. Still, was he possibly looking to become POZ? And how should I handle this the next time we are together?

Thanks.

Offline Ann

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  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Navigating serodiscordant sex as someone who is POZ
« Reply #1 on: February 14, 2012, 06:16:47 AM »
Hi Funnyguy, nice to hear from you again.

The rubbing you describe is also called frottage, and frottage is not a risk for hiv infection, so you can stop worrying about that. Not even with the razor stubble.

It is a concern that he tried to make you top him without a condom. Maybe it was in the heat of the moment, maybe not. If he does this with all his tricks (bottoms BB) who claim to be negative, for all he knows he may already be poz and is only assuming he's neg. It happens all too often.

If you want to hook up with him again, you'll have to be honest and open about how you feel about what he did - or tried to do. If possible, do this before you meet up again. Lay your cards on the table and be emphatic about it. Tell him if he wants to get pozzed up, he's going to have to find someone else to do it.

If he wants to be penetrated, suggest you use a sex toy. Not as good as the real thing, true, but better than nothing at times.

By the way, if you're on  meds and undetectable and have been for at least six months with no other STIs, then you're unlikely to infect him anyway. Just so you know. Using condoms when you're undetectable is like being doubly protected.

Congratulations on your new-found openness - in every sense of the word. ;) Hope everything goes well for you going forward. Good luck!

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline funnyguy

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Re: Navigating serodiscordant sex as someone who is POZ
« Reply #2 on: February 14, 2012, 11:21:44 AM »
Thanks, Ann, for addressing my concerns.

Good to have that confirmation on the possibilities of transmission, which are none.

As for his behavior, I did address it immediately afterward, iterating the point that I will not be doing that. I will be sure to bring it up once more just to make sure he understands my limits/boundaries. I also like the sex toy idea and will see about incorporating that.

Oh, and I'm not currently on meds due to my high CD4 count (and crappy insurance plan). However, my doctor and I are currently discussing regiment options and financial subsidies. I definitely want to get on meds to A) help with some immune system issues I've been dealing with and B) reduce the possibility of transmission.

Once again, thanks for addressing my concerns. You all really are providing a great service to those like myself trying to live a full, happy and healthy life with HIV.

Offline Ann

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  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Navigating serodiscordant sex as someone who is POZ
« Reply #3 on: February 14, 2012, 12:24:40 PM »
You're welcome. Don't be such a stranger, eh?
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline newt

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  • the one and original newt
Re: Navigating serodiscordant sex as someone who is POZ
« Reply #4 on: February 14, 2012, 07:24:37 PM »
The phenomenon of neg guys thinking poz guys are an easy casual lay for a raw sesh is common and needs resisting, Like a no. An opportunity for a leave/clothes/window moment perhaps? This statement is not intended to preempt or judge the very personal options agreed by poz-neg guys in long-term relationships.

- matt
"The object is to be a well patient, not a good patient"

Offline AdonisSMU

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  • Posts: 71
Re: Navigating serodiscordant sex as someone who is POZ
« Reply #5 on: February 21, 2012, 12:21:44 AM »
The phenomenon of neg guys thinking poz guys are an easy casual lay for a raw sesh is common and needs resisting, Like a no. An opportunity for a leave/clothes/window moment perhaps? This statement is not intended to preempt or judge the very personal options agreed by poz-neg guys in long-term relationships.

- matt

Im so glad you brought this up. I recently went through something similar again. Several guys getting mad at me because I wont have unprotected sex with them. Im kinda scared to have sex with anyone or to even look now.

 


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