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Author Topic: Would they have called to notify me already?  (Read 7495 times)

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Offline marshmallow8

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Would they have called to notify me already?
« on: February 20, 2012, 07:32:20 PM »
Hi guys,
I really wish I wasn't needing to introduce myself right now....but alas.
My boyfriend just tested positive for HIV after I recommended we go get tested together, as I had a rash (which I found out the next day was due to bed bugs....a whole other mess...ew). In any case, it led to him getting a test done one day while I was at work.

He went ASAP because in discussing my worries of the rash I had- which as I said, wound up being bed bug bites- he admitted that while he had been tested regularly, there was ONE incident between testing and dating me which put him at high risk- he drunkenly had unsafe sex with a hookup/friend, and woke up the next day feeling sore. He said the guy swore to him that he was negative, and that they had a long talk about it. He still had the guys facebook information, and messaged him asking to talk about his hiv status, with no reply. Regardless of the reply, I was horrified and wanted him tested ASAP.
Fast forward to two days later. I am at work, expecting a confirmation text from him that his test was negative, and its an hour past his appointment. Then two hours. Finally, over two hours after his scheduled appointment, I get the call. He is essentially silent and I am asking, prodding, prodding, waiting to hear that he is okay...but he's not, he's positive. I left work, telling them I received bad family news (which I'm still not sure if it was a professional way to deal with it? Now I have to tell them this Friday when I return what happened, or something?) and met up with my boyfriend.

He wasn't sure I wanted to see him again, because we've had a rough history. Essentially he has lied to me before- once in saying he had no contact with his ex (which, I didn't mind if he DID have contact, but he said he didnt and I found out they exchanged inappropriate texts), and second in saying he wanted to be monogamous with me (given this was only a week into our relationship, and pretty casual, but I had stated that once I started sleeping with a person, however casual, that I don't sleep with anyone else. He agreed, but I found out he had hooked up with a guy from an online hook up website)....

Now I find out he in some ways knowingly put me at risk. We were unsafe, sex-wise. I never used a condom during oral, which is mostly what we did to each other. But a LOT of oral sex. And he is uncut, and precums more than I do (which is barely at all).

 He is also the first person I really tried having anal sex with. We were safe 95% of the time, but there was a lot of frottage- me straddling him and pushing my ass against his penis- but never to the point of feeling remotely sore. But there were probably 2-3 times that he managed to penetrate without a condom, each time lasting about a minute, without ejaculation. It never got to a point of soreness- that is, my ass never hurt from him penetrating.

I knows it useless to ask without getting the test- which I'm having done tomorrow morning, rapid fingerprick test- but what are my chances??? Are there any reasonable chances that I might have dodged the bullet??? I have been researching 24/7 since Friday when I found out about my boyfriend.

And secondly- what the HELL do I DO?!?! I've read about so many people leaving the people who gave them HIV, and I wonder if I should do the same, not just because of others, but because of him putting me at risk by not communicating his unprotected sex in his past. Perhaps as I find support from friends and family I can move away from him? But some part of me just wants things to work out...I have worked so hard at making things work with him, that to throw it out now would make it all seem like it was a waste of time...

I've told him I'm angry...that his lies about his ex and about being monogamous only hurt my feelings, whereas his lack of honesty about his sexual history is hurting my VERY EXISTENCE. At the same time, it isn't completely his fault, I knew that he had some hookups before he started dating me and after he had been tested last...I just didnt understand that he specifically had an incident of unprotected receptive anal sex...
But I also did not ask the questions. And when I found out he had cheated on me (safely) I did bring up the idea of getting tested...somehow it got lost in us working to make things work and move forward in the relationship, and it was also nearing the end of the past semester...so the testing never happened.
And I also knowingly let myself do things without a condom, I would initiate some of the unsafe acts...so it's not like he's the only one who did it either...but for me, I knew I had had protected sex, and had been tested hiv-. if i had known that I had any unprotected sex, I don't think I would have let myself be unsafe with him...
but in the end, those are only what ifs....I will never know what I would have done...so in the end, I feel angry, but also feel like it is equally my fault...
I basically just can't bear the idea of ending things with him..I ADORE him, and care about him so much...
I know I havent even had my test yet, but I just don't see how i couldnt have hiv at his point....

All of this is on top of just general anxiety, obsessive researching on HIV, and the inability ot really get anything done, work-wise. I'm afraid as to how I will move forward with school- I have two intenrships, one paying job I work 6hrs/week, and full time school....and the thought of telling my mother this is HORRIFYING. She is my BIGGEST fan and is so proud of me, and spent so much time telling me to be safe growing up, as her step-uncle died of AIDS which devastated her...if she sees I was stupid and made the mistake after being educated my entire life about it....I cant even imagine her reaction...not ot mention that she is emotionally unstable and I am afraid of what my diagnosis will do to her....she will die, she really willl....and so will my family...I just feel like I am goign to bring my entire family to its knees, and I cant BEAR the idea of doing that do them.....

Someone please calm my mind....
« Last Edit: February 21, 2012, 01:23:36 AM by marshmallow8 »

Offline RapidRod

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Re: My boyfriend just tested positive and we've been unsafe....the horror.
« Reply #1 on: February 20, 2012, 07:37:57 PM »
You don't mention a confirmatory test and until that happens he's only received a preliminary test result.

Offline marshmallow8

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Re: My boyfriend just tested positive and we've been unsafe....the horror.
« Reply #2 on: February 20, 2012, 07:40:58 PM »
True....but the chances of his result being a false positive are so low, I feel like it is not worth trying to hope for that...

Offline RapidRod

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Re: My boyfriend just tested positive and we've been unsafe....the horror.
« Reply #3 on: February 20, 2012, 07:59:16 PM »
True....but the chances of his result being a false positive are so low, I feel like it is not worth trying to hope for that...
No that is not true at all. False positives are fairly common.

Offline marshmallow8

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Re: My boyfriend just tested positive and we've been unsafe....the horror.
« Reply #4 on: February 20, 2012, 09:42:15 PM »
There is very little conclusive evidence I have found through googling/foruming that false positives are all that common...rather, they seem pretty darn rare....But I will hope for the best.

Offline RapidRod

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Re: My boyfriend just tested positive and we've been unsafe....the horror.
« Reply #5 on: February 20, 2012, 09:49:09 PM »
There is very little conclusive evidence I have found through googling/foruming that false positives are all that common...rather, they seem pretty darn rare....But I will hope for the best.

Apparently you don't know where to look. He has to have a confirmatory test to confirm he is indeed positive. No ands or buts about it.

Offline marshmallow8

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Re: My boyfriend just tested positive and we've been unsafe....the horror.
« Reply #6 on: February 20, 2012, 10:16:40 PM »
Can someone else please respond!

Offline RapidRod

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Re: My boyfriend just tested positive and we've been unsafe....the horror.
« Reply #7 on: February 20, 2012, 10:22:41 PM »

HIV Antibody Confirmation Tests

The ELISA test is designed to be highly sensitive, that is, to miss as few HIV infections as possible. The downside of the high sensitivity is that the ELISA may produce a small number of false-positive results. This usually is caused by the presence of antibodies to other diseases that the ELISA mistakenly recognizes as antibodies to HIV. For this reason, it is important to supplement both positive ELISA and rapid antibody results with a confirmatory test, such as a Western blot, that is less sensitive but more specific, that is, one that has a lower rate of yielding a false-positive result. Sometimes, a rapid antibody test is confirmed with a second rapid test from a different manufacturer.






Western Blot








The Western blot is the most common test used to confirm positive results from an ELISA or rapid HIV test. It generally is used only as a confirmatory test because it is difficult to perform and requires highly technical skills. Its advantage, however, is that it is less likely to give a false-positive result because it can more effectively distinguish HIV antibodies from other antibodies. However, the Western blot can yield inconclusive results in some samples.
 







Indirect Fluorescent Antibody (IFA)








The indirect fluorescent antibody (IFA) test also detects antibodies made to fight an HIV infection. As with the Western blot, the IFA test is used to confirm the results of an ELISA. However, it is more expensive than a Western blot test.
 






Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: My boyfriend just tested positive and we've been unsafe....the horror.
« Reply #8 on: February 20, 2012, 10:33:50 PM »
Ok, let's get this into some perspective.

From what I can tell your partner has returned a positive result on an HIV test. As Rodney notes this test result is not valid unless it is backed up by a confirmatory test. You don't really say if your partner had an ELISA test alone or an ELISA test followed by a WB.

As for the issue of false positives, well they're not common but they do happen. I'm not prepared to rule your partner's test result out as a false positive. Equally I'm not prepared to say it's not a false positive.

But your partner's status really isn't what is important here.

Wading through your wall of text OP (please we don't need to know how lovely your Valentines Day was) I gather that your partner has been fucking around but you and he generally practice protected anal sex with some occasional unprotected dipping.

Also you practice unprotected oral sex.

Irrespective of your partner's test results, I'm not seeing a huge HIV risk here for you. The possibility of you being exposed to the virus cannot be ruled out so I recommend you get tested.

Right away would be good, but you will need to be tested 13 weeks from the date of your last sexual encounter where his uncovered cock entered your eager little bunghole.

In terms of HIV the oral sex stuff is not a concern. HIV is known to be transmitted via unprotected anal and vaginal sex, sharing contaminated injecting equipment such as needles and syringes and in some cases from HIV positive mother to her unborn or nursing infant.

There are no documented cases of HIV being transmitted through oral sex. Some people claim they were infected this way, but there's no conclusive proof.

So get tested yourself.

Blaming your partner for this predicament is really not going to help. You are responsible for your own sexual health.

MtD

Offline marshmallow8

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Re: My boyfriend just tested positive and we've been unsafe....the horror.
« Reply #9 on: February 21, 2012, 01:25:36 AM »
I'm not trying to be solely angry at him for anything, I've said multiple times in my OP that I realize I did it to myself as well...
Thanks for the information guys.

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: My boyfriend just tested positive and we've been unsafe....the horror.
« Reply #10 on: February 21, 2012, 01:31:06 AM »
I'm not trying to be solely angry at him for anything, I've said multiple times in my OP that I realize I did it to myself as well...
Thanks for the information guys.

I appreciate that this is stressful, but I really encourage you to get tested. Not just for HIV but for other STIs as well.

Please keep us posted on how thing work out.

Take care,

MtD

Offline marshmallow8

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Re: My boyfriend just tested positive and we've been unsafe....the horror.
« Reply #11 on: February 21, 2012, 01:34:52 AM »
Oh I am definitely getting tested. Tomorrow morning (technically later this morning) at 10am. HIV and other STIs. I will keep you all updated. So scared.

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: My boyfriend just tested positive and we've been unsafe....the horror.
« Reply #12 on: February 21, 2012, 01:39:17 AM »
Oh I am definitely getting tested. Tomorrow morning (technically later this morning) at 10am. HIV and other STIs. I will keep you all updated. So scared.

Good man.

There really isn't anything to be frightened about. Given what you have told us, I think the chances of you testing positive for HIV as a result of this episode is low.

You might like to ask your doctor or clinic about being vaccinated for Hepatitis A and Hepatitis B too.

MtD

Offline marshmallow8

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Re: My boyfriend just tested positive and we've been unsafe....the horror.
« Reply #13 on: February 21, 2012, 09:34:19 AM »
Going in for the test now......

Offline miracle2012

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Re: My boyfriend just tested positive and we've been unsafe....the horror.
« Reply #14 on: February 21, 2012, 11:21:36 AM »
Sorry I know I'm not supposed to comment on others threads but i just
Feel for you, I wish you all the luck in the world. I pray you will be neg.

Offline marshmallow8

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Re: My boyfriend just tested positive and we've been unsafe....the horror.
« Reply #15 on: February 21, 2012, 12:06:09 PM »
Thank you that means a lot...turns out my appt was cancelled at Planned Parenthood, I'm going to a walk-in rapid test at 5 this evening....so even more waiting.......ugh

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: My boyfriend just tested positive and we've been unsafe....the horror.
« Reply #16 on: February 21, 2012, 04:05:28 PM »
Miracle, however well intentioned your comment you still need to follow the rules here. So you need to stay out of the threads of other members.

Don't do it again. Thanks for your cooperation.
Andy Velez

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: My boyfriend just tested positive and we've been unsafe....the horror.
« Reply #17 on: February 21, 2012, 04:06:17 PM »
Marsh, good luck with your test tonight. We'll be waiting to hear back from you.
Andy Velez

Offline marshmallow8

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Re: My boyfriend just tested positive and we've been unsafe....the horror.
« Reply #18 on: February 21, 2012, 08:33:05 PM »
My test was actually negative!! Tho I have had at risk situations within the last month, so this isn't the end of it, I gotta get tested again in a few weeks...but this is a relief, nothing I did in the beginning of the relationship was different from what I did in the past month with him, so hopefully this is a good sign...

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: My boyfriend just tested positive and we've been unsafe....the horror.
« Reply #19 on: February 21, 2012, 08:58:03 PM »
It IS a good sign. That's happy news. The average time to seroconversion is 22 days. So you're very close to having passed that mark successfully.

Make sure you guys are using condoms all the time now for intercourse.

Congrats on the good news.
Andy Velez

Offline Ann

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Re: My boyfriend just tested positive and we've been unsafe....the horror.
« Reply #20 on: February 22, 2012, 06:26:36 AM »
Marsh,

Please learn from this. The lesson is that asking a person about their sexual history or asking what their hiv status is will never protect you against hiv infection. Many people do not accurately know their hiv status, they only ASSUME they're hiv negative. Sometimes people lie. Sometimes people forget little details, either on purpose or accidentally.

You need to always use condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse until you've securely monogamous and you have both tested together, at least three months past the point where you became securely monogamous.

Sex without a condom lasts only a matter of minutes, but hiv is forever. Please remember that! When you look at it that way, it's worth waiting a few months before you go unprotected.

An hiv test at six weeks past your last incident of unprotected dipping (the only real risk I see in your posts) will be a good indication of your true status. The vast majority of people who have actually been infected will seroconvert and test positive by six weeks. A six week negative must be confirmed at the three month point, but is highly unlikely to change.

You would be wise to also test for all the other, much more easily transmitted STIs as well. Some can be transmitted through simple skin-to-skin contact (frottage, for example) and some can be present with no obvious symptoms. The ONLY way to know for sure where your sexual health stands is to have a full panel of STI testing done.

Good luck with all your tests.

Ann



edited to fix crappy formatting
« Last Edit: February 22, 2012, 06:30:41 AM by Ann »
Condoms are a girl's best friend

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline marshmallow8

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Re: My boyfriend just tested positive and we've been unsafe....the horror.
« Reply #21 on: February 22, 2012, 11:15:30 AM »
Thanks for the support guys, and yes, I will most definitely be learning from this! I know I am not out of the clear yet tho, but I am hopeful.
I want to be there for my boyfriend as much as possible though, he doenst have a support network, and beyond that, I care about him so much. I wnat to make sure he gets the care he needs.

Offline Ann

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Re: My boyfriend just tested positive and we've been unsafe....the horror.
« Reply #22 on: February 22, 2012, 01:15:58 PM »

I wnat to make sure he gets the care he needs.


Marsh,

The first step in getting him the care he needs is to make absolutely certain he has had the confirmatory Western Blot testing Rodney told you about. Rodney's advice may not have been exactly what you were looking for - but he was absolutely correct. WB testing is your bf's next step before he does ANYTHING.

A person is not officially diagnosed as hiv positive until the additional tests have been run. We've seen our fair share of false positive results in this forum - they absolutely can and do happen.

Going by the time-line you shared in your first post, your bf must have had a rapid test. Rapid tests are more prone to false positive results than the ones that take a day or more to give results.

You also need to know - if the situation arises where his positive result proves to be false, he will still need further testing until he has tested at (or past) the three month point from the last time he had unprotected intercourse for a conclusive negative. Same goes for you, of course.

Good luck, keep us posted (particularly on the WB concern).

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline marshmallow8

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Re: My boyfriend just tested positive and we've been unsafe....the horror.
« Reply #23 on: February 22, 2012, 11:13:51 PM »
Yes, they of course drew blood and are getting his bloodwork done, and he should be getting a confirmation by the end of this week/the beginning of next....I hope hope hope that somehow he got a false positive...but if he is indeed positive, I just want to make sure I can help him however I can to get the help he needs. Luckily I live LITERALLY right next to a health center that provides HIV meds/care regardless of the ability to pay/insurance...so assistance won't be impossible to come by.

Offline Ann

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Re: My boyfriend just tested positive and we've been unsafe....the horror.
« Reply #24 on: February 23, 2012, 06:03:51 AM »
Marsh,

Thanks for the clarification. It's good to know his additional tests are already being processed. (Unfortunately, this does not always happen automatically and that's why we have to ask. Sometimes patients are left to drift and fend for themselves after a preliminary positive rapid result.)

In the meantime while you wait for the results, think positive thoughts for a negative result. That's really all you can do at this point- we'll cross the next bridge when we come to it. Hang in there.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline marshmallow8

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Re: My boyfriend just tested positive and we've been unsafe....the horror.
« Reply #25 on: February 25, 2012, 05:06:58 PM »
Yes, PP called today and said they want to talk to him about his blood test results this Monday...I'm hoping somehow for a false positive...and if not, good VL and T cell counts. I still can't believe he probably has HIV...It's been a long week. He is taking it really well though, as well as one could. He's keeping himself really busy with schoolwork, so I'm glad to see that he is pushing forward right now...

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: My boyfriend just tested positive and we've been unsafe....the horror.
« Reply #26 on: February 25, 2012, 06:03:43 PM »
Sounds good. Follow his example and work to keep this all in perspective. HIV is important but it is not by a stretch the end of the world.

I'm sure you'll keep us posted.  Good luck.
Andy Velez

Offline marshmallow8

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Would they have called to notify me already?
« Reply #27 on: March 04, 2012, 01:34:52 PM »
I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, but:
My boyfriend tested positive on an oraquick test just over two weeks ago, and they took blood to do a confirmatory test. When he was initially told his test came back reactive, they asked him if he wanted any past/current partner(s) to be notified if his confirmatory test came back positive.
Naturally, he gave them my contact information. He also gave them the number for two of his closest friends back home.

They  (planned parenthood) have since called him to schedule an appt for him to see his results. But they have not called me.

Would they have called to notify me of his positive status before confirming it to him in person??? I have not received a call, so part of me is hoping that his result was simply negative and that they haven't called me for that reason.

Is anyone familiar with how this process works? I'm sure it is slightly different in certain places...

But it doesn't make sense to me, the idea that I would be notified of his status before he had the confirmation...but then again, what if- in a hypothetical sitaution- he didn't WANT to know his results and thus ignored their calls for an appt...? I would HOPE that they would still contact me to notify me of his positive status.

But obviously thats not the case, he is going in on Monday for the results.

I'm just hoping that the fact I haven't received a call is a good thing...anyone have any idea?

The reason I have this posted here is because I have been wondering if I am infected too, but I have to wait a few more weeks to reach the 3month window between the last risky encounter I had....so I am still nervous about my status....and so I am hoping that his oraquick was a false positive and that all ( of both of our) worries are unnecessary....

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: Would they have called to notify me already?
« Reply #28 on: March 04, 2012, 02:11:19 PM »
Let's keep this simple. We can't guess at what the procedure is at Planned Parenthood. You should give them a call and ask what their procedure of notification is in terms of your status.

Andy Velez

Offline marshmallow8

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Re: Would they have called to notify me already?
« Reply #29 on: March 04, 2012, 02:21:39 PM »
I understand that there is no guessing, but they are closed today, and I am anxious, looking for any information or experience anyone might have. I am perfectly well aware that no answers given to this question would be SET IN STONE, I'm just looking for anyone's thoughts on this, thanks!!

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: Would they have called to notify me already?
« Reply #30 on: March 04, 2012, 02:30:48 PM »
I appreciate your concern and wanting a something to reassure yourself with.

Call 'em tomorrow is all I can say.

Good luck.
Andy Velez

Offline marshmallow8

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Re: Would they have called to notify me already?
« Reply #31 on: March 04, 2012, 04:10:11 PM »
Does anyone else have anything to say?
Thanks

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: Would they have called to notify me already?
« Reply #32 on: March 04, 2012, 05:00:43 PM »
You must keep all your questions, thoughts and comments in your original thread. This helps us follow your story and give you the best advice we can.

If you cannot find your original thread, please click the "Show own posts" link in the left hand column of any forums page.

I would also draw your attention to the posting guidelines for Am I Infected? which are outlined in our Welcome Thread.

Please note that your questions will not be answered until you return to your original thread.

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Offline Ann

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Re: Would they have called to notify me already?
« Reply #33 on: March 05, 2012, 09:32:50 AM »
Marsh,

I've merged your new thread into your original thread - where you should post all your additional thoughts or questions. It helps us to help you when you keep everything in one thread. It doesn't matter how long it has been since you last posted in your thread or if the subject matter is different.

If you need help finding your thread when you come here, click on the "Show own posts" link under your name in the left-hand column of any forum page.

Please also read through the Welcome Thread so you can familiarize yourself with our Forum Posting Guidelines. Thank you for your cooperation.





Well, for a start, they're not going to call you and tell you about his positive status. What they will do is call or write to you to say that you've possibly been exposed to an STI and you need to come in for testing. They won't (or shouldn't) specifically mention hiv nor will they name the contact.

This is standard of care no matter where you go when people are asked to provide partner contact details. If it wasn't done anonymously and non-specifically, word would get around and nobody would ever provide the contact details.

The next bit is uncertain. I don't know how PP handles it, but the clinics where I live would immediately start contacting partners on the list as soon as it was apparent there was a risk of further infections. They do this to stop ongoing transmission.

As long as it's been at least six weeks since your last risk, why don't you just go test and get it over with? Most people who have actually been infected will test positive by this time and a six week negative is highly unlikely to change, so you'd have a good idea of your status. You'd only need to wait and confirm at three months if you test negative.

Ann
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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline marshmallow8

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Re: Would they have called to notify me already?
« Reply #34 on: March 05, 2012, 05:01:32 PM »
He got his confirmatory positive result today...
I had a rapidtest done over a week ago, and was negative. that was only 3 weeks after the most recent risk situation though. I will wait another 3 weeks and go again...

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: Would they have called to notify me already?
« Reply #35 on: March 05, 2012, 05:30:12 PM »
OK.

Well your negative at 3 weeks is still encouraging since the average time to seroconversion is 22 days. A negative at 6 weeks will be more meaningful (although not conclusive).

Good luck with the 6 week test.
Andy Velez

Offline marshmallow8

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Re: Would they have called to notify me already?
« Reply #36 on: March 05, 2012, 08:08:38 PM »
:-( I hoped and hoped in the waiting room as he went in that he would be told his rapidtest was a false positive, and that his western blot came back negative, I imagined leaving the office in jubilance, celebrating....yet also knew it was extremely unlikely...
He is so strong. Trying to be supportive, and I want to stick by him and help him find help. I just can't believe it....

I managed to be calm at the doctors office (I went in with my boyfriend to get his result) until the doctor, she got tears in her eyes at the end, saying it was "touching how we are sticking together. For many couples this is far too much for them to deal with together. It's great that you have each other." I lost it there....
Sorry for the details, just feeling deflated....

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: Would they have called to notify me already?
« Reply #37 on: March 05, 2012, 09:24:07 PM »
It's a big something to digest, but it can be done. Life is going to go on. It is still going to be good. It just includes HIV now.
Andy Velez

Offline marshmallow8

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Re: Would they have called to notify me already?
« Reply #38 on: March 12, 2012, 06:42:10 PM »
So we went back, and he was confirmed positive, as I mentioned below.
I don't have much new to post really, but I am just feeling so anxious recently about my own status.
As I posted, I went in for a rapidtest about two weeks (2.5) after the last risky situation. My original post was kind of long-winded, so I'm just going to re-explain my situation succinctly:
I practiced safe sex with my BF, who I know now is positive, 97% of the time. There were about 10 times that he pushed/rubbed his penis against my anus, without penetrating, but it still was pushed pretty hard and he precums a good deal. How risky is that?
There was one, maybe two times that he actually penetrated temporarily. This only would last 30 seconds max. I never felt sore after he pulled out. As I said, he had a good amount of precum, but he lubed up with spit (diluting it, I suppose). How risky do you think this is? I know no one can tell me whether I have it or not, but I'm just wondering what you think.
Lastly, there was one that I penetrated HIM without a condom, and this lasted about a minute or so.

I tested negative at the rapidtest about 2.5 weeks, perhaps 3 after the latest risky situation. I'm waiting until after I get back to school from spring break to get another rapidtest, which will be at 6 weeks post exposure. To me, the biggest risk seems to be when he penetrated me..I'm keeping up with my schoolwork, and life in general, but I am frustrated how my worries are nagging at me...and I'm still devastated that my boyfriend is positive. I have not spoken to anyone else about this yet, I dont feel ready to yet...Going home for spring break and not being able ot tell my mother about whats going on in my life is scaring me...I want to tell her about my bf's status, but I don't want to bring any of it up until I know for sure what my status is...I CAN'T put her through the stress of not-knowing...she has enough to deal with and its my fault and I deserve to deal with the stress now until I find out, I can't inflict it on her. I'm just terrified to tell anyone.  My boyfriend and I are together every night, he's practically living with me now (pretty much was before this happened to0)...it breaks my heart to see him struggle with staying positive, how deflated he seems to be...I feel like I can manage to stay with him and help him deal with HIV if I am negative....but if I am positive, I feel like I wont be capable of dealing with my own emotions while trying to consider the two of us together....
I think both of us need to get some support from outisde of our relationship as I think it has the potential to strain things between us...but we are both too scared to talk to anyone else about it yet.
Essentially, I am worried about my status, about his mental state- not to mention my own- and just have so much going on in my daily life with a schedule packed to the brim- that I don't know what to do but continue to march on and try and control my emotions until I know my status for good....

and how much risk do you think I am at??? I just want to make things work between us, and be there for him...but I cant even begin to imagine how I will be if I wind up testing positive in a few weeks...

Thanks for listening.

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: Would they have called to notify me already?
« Reply #39 on: March 12, 2012, 07:00:14 PM »
You need to make a real effort to keep things simple. Really.

We don't have a crystal ball here so we can't predict what your test result will be at 6 weeks. Hopefully negative. But if it is not negative, you're going to survive that too. Personally I would say bringing up the whole issue of HIV with your mother or other family mebers is not a good idea. As you yourself have said, you may well be stressing them unnecessarily.

Meantime with your bf, just keep the talking honest and simple between you. He's still the guy you loved before he tested positive. And you're still his guy. Stick with the basics, talk and listen to each other. Be honest without dumping.

Life is going to go on and whether you are negative or positive when you test, you guys can still have a good life together.

Really.
Andy Velez

Offline marshmallow8

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Re: Would they have called to notify me already?
« Reply #40 on: March 12, 2012, 07:16:03 PM »
Thanks Andy. I'm just having moments where all the emotions I've been working to control just flood over me....
Like I said, I am continuing to keep on keepin' on...focusing on my daily activities and my work/friends. But there are times when my work gets stressful/piles up (two internships, full time school, a job, and running a club at school...) and my boyfriend is simultaneously in a depressed mood about his status, and I wonder if I will be able to keep on going without exploding...

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: Would they have called to notify me already?
« Reply #41 on: March 12, 2012, 09:10:09 PM »
Yes, you can. And you will. Just keep breathing and especially nice deep big and slow breaths when you find yourself tensing up and feeling overwhelmed. It really, really helps.
Andy Velez

Offline Ann

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Re: Would they have called to notify me already?
« Reply #42 on: March 13, 2012, 07:56:30 AM »
Marsh,

Thanks for the review of your possible risk. Given what you've said, I do not expect you to test positive but yes, you do need to test to make sure. Your main risk is the time you topped without a condom, but as hiv is more difficult to transmit to the insertive partner, you have a very good chance of being ok. I wouldn't worry too much about the time or two that frottage resulted in brief dipping - although yes, that was also a risk, just not a huge one.

Being hiv positive is not the end of the world. Sure, it's a challenging thing to have to live with, but one CAN live with it. I'd rather be poz than have say, ovarian cancer, for example. Or lung cancer. I have a mate who has recently been diagnosed with lung cancer and it ain't pretty. Give me hiv over that any day. My mate has a three year old son and there's a good chance he won't live to see him grow up. Me, on the other hand, I've been poz for fifteen years and there's no doubt in my mind that I'll see my (unborn, not yet conceived) grandchildren grow up (provided I don't get hit by a proverbial bus). It's a matter of perspective. There are worse things other than hiv out there.

Have you discussed this website with your boyfriend? Encourage him to get an account here and post. He needs an outlet for his feelings and a source of information to help him deal with his recent diagnosis. It's wonderful that you're by his side through this, but you can't do it all by yourself. You and he may not be able to get support from your families just yet, but you can both get support here. That's what we're here for.

Hang in there. There's every chance that you're going to test hiv negative. Both you and your boyfriend are going to get through this, you're going to be ok.

I never do this in this bit of the forums, but I'm going to make an exception this time - (((((((Marsh))))))) (that's a hug, by the way)

Ann



edited for crappy splellingnz
« Last Edit: March 13, 2012, 08:00:18 AM by Ann »
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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline marshmallow8

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Re: Would they have called to notify me already?
« Reply #43 on: March 14, 2012, 12:02:55 AM »
Ann, thanks so much, I really needed to hear what you said!

 I've been his source of information right now, as I've been reading up on HIV 24/7. We've been going through phases where we have a day of freak-outs and crying about it all...and then a day after the freakouts where we are kinda numb/sadish, then we have 5 days or so where we are happy and focusing on other things...then eventually, one of us starts thinking about it and it comes up again, of course....my point is, we have been dealing with it in small doses...and he really is at a point where he needs to push it out of his mind as much as he can to deal with it. He has an appointment to get his viral load and Cd4 count on april 7th- it seems kinda long to haveta wait for an appt, but the health center treating him won't require any payment. So he's dealing with getting himself treatment, but other than that he's trying to keep it out of his mind. And I can tell there are times he's upset when I'm not and he tries to keep it from me in order to let me be in a good mood....this is so difficult.
Its harder too because we had just passed Valentines day and were using the L word- Love- to describe our feelings for each other. We've been dating for about 5 months now, so its not a super long term relationship. This whole situatoin has put a lot of pressure on the relatoinship obivously, and there have been talks about the longterm going on...and I have this feeling that if it weren't for me, that he wouldn't be able to deal with his status...i obviously want to be his support and all, but its scary knowing that I have such an important, vital impact on his life right now (obiovusly I knew i had a big impact regardless of his status, but even moreso in light of it)...
SO i think its clear that yes, he does need to get other support outside of me, but he's not ready to tell anyone yet. So perhaps i should push him to call hotlines daily, or weekly to have a chance to let it out.
I love him but this is so scary.
Thanks for the e-hug. Thanks for listening.
« Last Edit: March 14, 2012, 01:32:01 AM by marshmallow8 »

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: Would they have called to notify me already?
« Reply #44 on: March 14, 2012, 08:45:51 AM »
Just a brief PS to Ann's wise words...

Don't worry about always trying to cheer him up. Doing that is a burden for both of you. As with other occasions in life, there are often good reasons to have all sorts of feelings and to not be just "cheerful." Being able to have all of your feelings and for him the same as well is a part of what helps to make a relationship real and strong.

Like Ann I think it would be good for him to get his own membership here. There is a lot of support and information he can get here which is going to be useful.

It sounds like you guys are doing fine in finding your way through a challenging time.

Cheers.
Andy Velez

Offline Ann

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Re: Would they have called to notify me already?
« Reply #45 on: March 15, 2012, 08:59:44 AM »

SO i think its clear that yes, he does need to get other support outside of me, but he's not ready to tell anyone yet. So perhaps i should push him to call hotlines daily, or weekly to have a chance to let it out.
I love him but this is so scary.
Thanks for the e-hug. Thanks for listening.

Marsh,

You're welcome.

Perhaps you should encourage him to join these forums, rather than call hotlines. (Hiv hotlines are notorious for being staffed by people who aren't as knowledgeable as they should be.) He can be totally anonymous here so it wouldn't be like he was telling anyone who knows him. He would be telling other anonymous people who totally understand. There's nothing that will replace talking to others who have been there, done that and lived to tell the tale.

I agree with Andy regarding what he said about not feeling like you have to cheer him up every time he's down about his status. The best way to get through upsetting feelings is to actually feel them, accept them for what they are and then let go of them. Repressing them does no good, in fact it makes it worse. This stage is just that - a stage. It will pass and it will get better in time.

If you're a reader, you may want to look into the writings of Elisabeth Kubler Ross. She wrote many books on the subject of the stages of loss and how to get through them - and those stages are what you'll both be going through right now. Her books helped me immensely when I was newly diagnosed and I can highly recommend them. You can get them for a fair price on Amazon and your local library may also carry them.

Hang in there.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline marshmallow8

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Re: Would they have called to notify me already?
« Reply #46 on: March 18, 2012, 05:56:57 PM »
Yes, I will try ot get him to join.
He has himself set up with insurance and free meds/care for now, and has a counselor and his first appointment went really well. I unfortunately couldn't go with him, but will try to next time.

I'm feeling confident that he will be okay. I'm just worried about myself right now, wondering what my next test result will be. I had my first rapidtest done between 2-3 weeks after my last risk, and was negative. By the time I get back to school from my spring holiday, it will be more than 6 weeks since my last risk.....should I get myself tested then? I know its ultimately my decision, and I probably will regardless, but I just wondered what anyone's opinion was. I'm having an anxious bout today, worrying about my status, reading up on early symptoms of HIV and freaking out- seeing that allergic rhinitis (being sneezy and congested from environmental causes- pollen, dust, etc.) is one, and remembering how I was suddenyl very sneezy and congested for about 4 days last week, never having had allergies to pollen or anything...though my apartment HAD just been sprayed for bedbugs with pesticides...and I've had head aches pretty often recently. Its usually when I also having slept much, ate enough in a day, but sometimes i just get them....though it could as well be me just having lots of stress....
I know I'm being annoying and worrying and theres no one that can say for sure what my status is...but gosh I'm feeling anxious. And having flashbacks to my last risk situation and thinking of it in horror, disgust, and wondering why I let myself do that, what was I thinking? I've been educated my entire life about safe sex, my whole life, there is nothing more the world could have really done to make it clearer to me really...and yet I let myself top someone unprotected...I myself did it. Fuck...

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: Would they have called to notify me already?
« Reply #47 on: March 18, 2012, 06:52:10 PM »
If you decide to get tested at 6 weeks and get a negative result, then that would point strongly to your continuing to test negative again at 3 months. All but the very smallest number of those who are going to seroconvert will do so within 4-6 weeks after an exposure.
Andy Velez

Offline marshmallow8

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Re: Would they have called to notify me already?
« Reply #48 on: March 19, 2012, 12:43:38 PM »
I will certainly test when I get back to school from break then...the wait is just so hard. I won't be thinking about it, but then as I'm in the middle of a conversation with someone I'll think about it, and suddenly I don't hear anything the person in front of me is saying, I just hear the thoughts in my head, and I have to struggle to keep up with the conversation and not zone out...

Offline marshmallow8

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Re: Would they have called to notify me already?
« Reply #49 on: March 22, 2012, 09:16:20 PM »
Hey guys,
I don't have any updates, and excuse my complaining/venting...
But I'm really having a hard time waiting for my next test. I wanted to test as soon as I got back to school from spring break next week, but I have SO MUCH to do next week that I'm afraid to get the positive result and screw up a bunch of big projects/school assignments, because I know I'll need to be out for atleast a day or two....

After my initial negative rapidtest (2-3 weeks past last risky incident) I felt so elated, hopeful....now that I'm nearing my next test, I'm having a hard time not being terrified of what my results will be.

Any time I have any physical ailment- a head ache, an itch, and now, a sore tooth (after just getting a nearby tooth filled for a cavity a few days ago)- I look it up online and it somehow seems related to HIV, and it makes me start to diagnose myself and feel like I have the symptoms of early infection...I was warned over XMAS break that I had a few areas where cavities were at risk of developing, and I haven't changed my oral hygiene ways very much, so it could very easily be a result of that...but I feel liek I get head aches a lot....which could of course be stress, of which I've had a lot...and the itchness occasionally, I get those could be stress-related too? I was extremely sneezy too,as noted before.....
And now I've realized that my biggest risk was me topping unprotected for about 5 minutes tops....I'm circumcised so that decreases the chance a bit....but reading tonight about how the urethra is a highly efficient place for HIV to infect the body...and feeling like, despite it being only once (that I topped unprotected in addition to the couple of unprotected dips when he penetrated me very briefly), that I have a very high chance of being infected....
I manage to keep my mind off of it for periods of the day, but it keeps on creeping back to me- I'l be online and automatically come to this forum and start reading other people's stories and google random symptoms, etc....I just feel so tense....

I want to make bargains, say that if I'm negative, with this stress lifted of worrying about my status, that I'll be a new person, that I'll change, be better...I know I will certainly practice safer sex after this, but aside from that I can't say I'd change all that much, I'm sure I'll appreciate things more for  aperiod of time, and also be much more proactive about communicating when it comes to sex, etc...but really, I can't make that bargain, its just not true, and feels like I'm cheating. I did what I did, and I have to accept it at some point.

I'm so caught up! and I have no one to talk to about this, I really don't want to talk to anyone though until I know my status...I just keep on taking big breaths....

I wish one of you could tell me I was surely negative...
thanks for bearing with my whining.

 


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