Quantcast

Subscribe to:
POZ magazine
E-newsletters
Join POZ: Facebook MySpace Twitter Pinterest
Tumblr Google+ Flickr MySpace
POZ Personals
Sign In / Join
Username:
Password:
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
October 01, 2014, 05:22:39 AM

Login with username, password and session length


Members
Stats
  • Total Posts: 640650
  • Total Topics: 48665
  • Online Today: 181
  • Online Ever: 585
  • (January 07, 2014, 02:31:47 PM)
Users Online
Users: 2
Guests: 128
Total: 130

Welcome


Welcome to the POZ/AIDSmeds Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, and others concerned about HIV/AIDS.  Click on the links below to browse our various forums; scroll down for a glance at the most recent posts; or join in the conversation yourself by registering on the left side of this page.

Privacy Warning:  Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.

  • The information shared in these forums, by moderators and members, is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between an individual and his/her own physician.

  • All members of these forums are, by default, not considered to be licensed medical providers. If otherwise, users must clearly define themselves as such.

  • Forums members must behave at all times with respect and honesty. Posting guidelines, including time-out and banning policies, have been established by the moderators of these forums. Click here for “Am I Infected?” posting guidelines. Click here for posting guidelines pertaining to all other POZ/AIDSmeds community forums.

  • We ask all forums members to provide references for health/medical/scientific information they provide, when it is not a personal experience being discussed. Please provide hyperlinks with full URLs or full citations of published works not available via the Internet. Additionally, all forums members must post information which are true and correct to their knowledge.

  • Product advertisement—including links; banners; editorial content; and clinical trial, study or survey participation—is strictly prohibited by forums members unless permission has been secured from POZ.

To change forums navigation language settings, click here (members only), Register now

Para cambiar sus preferencias de los foros en español, haz clic aquí (sólo miembros), Regístrate ahora

Finished Reading This? You can collapse this or any other box on this page by clicking the symbol in each box.

Author Topic: Fear of being depressed  (Read 8253 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline osric

  • Member
  • Posts: 54
Fear of being depressed
« on: February 19, 2012, 01:28:04 AM »
Hi folks, this is my first post here so please bear with me.

I've been in treatment for the past three years for major depression and anxiety, lost my job, my house, my long term partner and ended up on disability for two years. Just as things seemed to be getting better, I went for a random STD screening and found out I have HIV.

Things got dramatically worse. My state of mind took a major nosedive. I became suicidal, started hiding, stopped going to see my doctors, and got really afraid of leaving the house.

After a few months of this I finally reached out to a local aids service organization and got some help there from a case manager. He convinced me to start seeing a therapist again and helped me with some financial and health insurance issues (I'm in the US).

So i see a therapist every week now but the suicidal thoughts have come back big time since my doctor put me on Neurontin to help deal with a neurological problem I have (unrelated to HIV).

The thing is, I'm healthy and my body is controlling the HIV on its own. My viral load is near underectable and my cd4's are over 1000. So I'm not on any HIV meds.

And the pont of this post was to say that people like me are severely depressed despite being infected with HIV. HIV hasn't caused this, I'm just normally f'd up because my life sucks. HIV is just one aspect added to the other things that suck.

I dread fiddling with my psych meds since I got really addicted to klonopin and celexa at one point (and now know what it's like to experience withdrawal from two psych meds at the same time). I swear I've taken every antidepressant known to man and they all just turn me into more of a useless blob than I am right now.

One of my big fears (theme: fear) is talking to people about feeling suicidal. I know what will happen if they feel I am a threat to myself. I worked in a private psych facility for several years when I was in college, so I know what locked wards are like. And I know how to lie my way out of anything and tell doctors what they want to hear.

I'm rambling. I know I should go tell my psychiatrist that I'm losing it again and get into a day program so they can monitor my psych meds. But I dread it.

I can't imagine e side effects of taking HIV meds ever being worse than this. I expect I'll have to take them some day, but for now I'm just struggling wi my own mental health issues and trying to keep it together enough to make it to the next day.

Ok I don't expect anyone to read this far, but I really needed to vent somewhere that I could be anonymous and not feel so alone.

Glad I found this forum.


(Typos are courtesy of the iPad and autocorrect.)

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Fear of being depressed
« Reply #1 on: February 19, 2012, 08:52:27 AM »
Hi Osric, welcome to the forums.

You say that the suicidal thoughts came back after you started neurontin - so maybe that's the med you need to tweak, rather than your psych meds. Maybe the neurontin isn't playing well with the other meds you're on.

I'd suggest you speak to your doctor about what other meds may be suitable as a replacement for the neurontin before you start messing with the psych meds you've taken so long to get right.

Hang in there. I hope you find relief from this problem soon.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline Buckmark

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,526
  • Would you like to tie me up with your ties, Ty?
    • Henry's Home Page
Re: Fear of being depressed
« Reply #2 on: February 20, 2012, 10:32:49 AM »
Welcome.  I'm glad you posted.  It's not always easy to talk about suicidal thoughts, but it's the right thing to do.  Otherwise they just stay inside your head, and continue to build on themselves.  With a good therapist or psychiatrist you should be able to talk about this openly, without fear of being "locked up".  Unfortunately, I know how hard it is to find good mental health professionals.  Still, unless you have made plans and are on the verge of taking actions, you should be able to talk about this with your psychiatrist and therapist.  Just mentioning that you are thinking of suicide is not cause for them to lock you up.  I've talked about it with my therapist many times, and have not been committed (although he does ask if I am in "imminent danger" -- he's got to ask).

I also know what it's like to feel that you have tried every anti-depressant under the sun.  It can be a long and involved process to find the right meds, or find new meds.  I think Ann is right when she suggests talking to your doctor about neurontin and potential substitutes, since you believe that it has contributed to your depression.  Talk to your doctor. 

You're definitely not alone.  And, remember that you are fortunate that your HIV is under control without meds -- that's one burden you don't have to carry.  So after you call your doctor to ask about the neurontin, please call your psychiatrist and/or therapist!  The more you isolate, the worse your depression will be, so just the act of reaching out can provide some short-term relief (just like you reached out here!).

Regards,

Henry

Hi folks, this is my first post here so please bear with me.

I've been in treatment for the past three years for major depression and anxiety, lost my job, my house, my long term partner and ended up on disability for two years. Just as things seemed to be getting better, I went for a random STD screening and found out I have HIV.

Things got dramatically worse. My state of mind took a major nosedive. I became suicidal, started hiding, stopped going to see my doctors, and got really afraid of leaving the house.

After a few months of this I finally reached out to a local aids service organization and got some help there from a case manager. He convinced me to start seeing a therapist again and helped me with some financial and health insurance issues (I'm in the US).

So i see a therapist every week now but the suicidal thoughts have come back big time since my doctor put me on Neurontin to help deal with a neurological problem I have (unrelated to HIV).

The thing is, I'm healthy and my body is controlling the HIV on its own. My viral load is near underectable and my cd4's are over 1000. So I'm not on any HIV meds.

And the pont of this post was to say that people like me are severely depressed despite being infected with HIV. HIV hasn't caused this, I'm just normally f'd up because my life sucks. HIV is just one aspect added to the other things that suck.

I dread fiddling with my psych meds since I got really addicted to klonopin and celexa at one point (and now know what it's like to experience withdrawal from two psych meds at the same time). I swear I've taken every antidepressant known to man and they all just turn me into more of a useless blob than I am right now.

One of my big fears (theme: fear) is talking to people about feeling suicidal. I know what will happen if they feel I am a threat to myself. I worked in a private psych facility for several years when I was in college, so I know what locked wards are like. And I know how to lie my way out of anything and tell doctors what they want to hear.

I'm rambling. I know I should go tell my psychiatrist that I'm losing it again and get into a day program so they can monitor my psych meds. But I dread it.

I can't imagine e side effects of taking HIV meds ever being worse than this. I expect I'll have to take them some day, but for now I'm just struggling wi my own mental health issues and trying to keep it together enough to make it to the next day.

Ok I don't expect anyone to read this far, but I really needed to vent somewhere that I could be anonymous and not feel so alone.

Glad I found this forum.


(Typos are courtesy of the iPad and autocorrect.)
"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:
     One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.
     The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love."
- Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

Offline osric

  • Member
  • Posts: 54
Re: Fear of being depressed
« Reply #3 on: February 20, 2012, 11:45:43 AM »
Thanks Ann & Henry.

I talked to my doc and we discontinued the Neurontin. I was taking it to control a tremor and now I'm shaking like a leaf. Oh well. I'm going to give it a couple of days to see if the thoughts subside. No plans at all, just that nagging feeling of desperation an feeling that I want to die :(

The forums here have been helping immensely with my mood. It's a relief to be able to share in a safe and nonjudgmental space.

Thanks so much for all your support!

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 9,955
Re: Fear of being depressed
« Reply #4 on: February 21, 2012, 06:54:22 AM »
Osric, I can relate to your feelings.  But as Henry said, a person usually has to have a plan to carry out suicidal feelings, just having them is not cause for a lock up.  That's the way it is where I work, which is an ASO.  If one of my clients says he/she is feeling suicidal, I have to find out if they have a plan.

Because really, a lot of people have feelings from time to time of wishing to be dead rather than alive.  Life brings many stressors alone without adding HIV to the mix.  And a lot of people don't handle stress well, including me.  There's still feelings of being stigmatized if needing professional mental health assistance, and a lot of people keep this to themselves, keeping the feelings of hopelessness churning around.

I think it's great you have a doctor who will work with you, and also a therapist and psychiatrist.  A good therapist is hard to find, but if you have one, please use him/her.  I would suggest being totally honest and seeing if there is something specific causing the suicidal feelings.  A lot of times it can take talking with someone skilled in dealing with these issues, to uncover exactly what it is that's bothering us.  And once the problem is identified, dealing with it, especially with someone else helping, can get much easier.  Good luck!
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Theyer

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,519
  • Current ambition. Walk the Dog .
Re: Fear of being depressed
« Reply #5 on: March 02, 2012, 05:27:37 AM »
Hi Osric.

Reading your post was very powerful,for me it was honest,concise and therefore I could relate to your dilemma , not just from my own experiences but from your ability to communicate your situation.

I confess it was a relieve to read that you had contacted and talked to your Doc. As bt and Henry have said and what I have experienced telling your Psychiatrist that you feel like you want to die is differant from making detailed plans about killing ones self, the skilled worker will know this.

When  not consumed by the things that make me think about dying and reflecting on the circumstances at the time I am often struck by how sane it is to have those feelings. Who would want to experience it,however I am very grateful that I have never acted on the feelings , for me they are my warning sign ,I suspect and hope that they are yours too.

As to a dread off living in certain institutions, ,I remember a therapist saying to me that was a Major reason why I wasn't,.

Before I sign off I would like to also say how much I agree with BT and Henry that if/when you find a therapist you feel is right for you , be as open and honest as you can.

I hope the tremors can be sorted,
Take care and good luck.

mhtv
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline TexasPOZ

  • Member
  • Posts: 46
Re: Fear of being depressed
« Reply #6 on: March 12, 2012, 04:17:54 AM »
Thank you for your post. I understand and relate to what you wrote. I've been dealing with depression and anxiety all my life, diagnosed 17 years ago, but I think I suffered from it before then. I too have tried almost every antidepressant there is, in combinations of 2 or 3 at a time. Several suicide attempts. I'll do ok for a while, and then for no reason that I'm aware of, it will get worse. I've self medicated with street drugs and alcohol at times. Right now I'm doing pretty good. My meds seem to be working ok, I have a therapist I feel comfortable talking to, and I have a job that doesn't stress me out too badly. But I know what it feels like to just be afraid that one of these days I'm going to wake up totally depressed and hopeless or that one of these nights I'm not going to be able to get to sleep because I'm depressed. There is definitely a fear there of being depressed. I dread the day that it starts. I try to make the most of the good days. I really hate the fact that people who haven't suffered from depression just don't get it. My family and friends are like that. There is just nothing I can do to get them to understand how awful it feels abnd why some days I just can't get up and go to work. I've given up on even trying to get them to understand. It frustrates me because I don't think they really try to understand. My family thinks if you just keep yourself busy, everything will be ok. The problem is #1, when I'm depressed, I'm to tired to stay busy, and #2 even if I am busy, I'm still thinking. It's hard for me to talk to someone about the suicidal thoughts when they come. If you have someone to talk to about them that is great. Like I said, I have a good therapist I can talk to, and I feel like I can tell her. I try not to lie to her. I feel like there should be at least one person in my life that I'm honest with. With most other people, I feel like I have to filter what I say because I don't want to burden them with my problems. Or they're not going to understand anyway, so what's the point in telling them. When things get really bad, I go check myself in to the hospital. I've had a few hospital visits that were helpful, just getting away from the stress. I've also had a few hospital visits that were horrible. So right now I'm trying to stay out of the hospital. I guess my point is, that depression is an ongoing battle. I completely understand the fear of being depressed that you talked about. And if posting on here makes you feel a little better, than by all means post to your hearts content. You helped me feel better just knowing I'm not alone. Take care and best wishes for you.

Offline osric

  • Member
  • Posts: 54
Re: Fear of being depressed
« Reply #7 on: April 22, 2012, 07:03:07 PM »
First, THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH! I really needed the encouragement from you guys to start digging out of this hole.

My doctors have fiddled with my meds a bit and my mood is better. But the suicidal thoughts are still there kind of haunting me in the background. I'm beginning to learn how to set them aside and do other things to occupy my mind. I started some meditation exercises and I'm collecting inspirational quotes to give me some hopeful thoughts. Post-it notes on the bathroom mirror actually help!

I found a great drop-in center and a support group that meets daily. The first time I went to check in the guy at the desk thought I was a volunteer, which made me feel good about my recent rebound in being able to take care of myself. (I must say though that I usually only go to my doc appointments when I feel good, so I generally look reasonably well put together; it's when I'm at my worst that I just hide in the corner with my teddy bear and don't leave the house.)

The support group is a great mix of people from all walks of life and all stages of living with HIV. I've gotten a huge outpouring of support from everyone I've met. And it's a bit of a reality check to finally meet other people who are dealing with this successfully. I'm starting to realize there are more difficult things to deal with in life than this disease.

So there's some hope now that I can start turning my attention to some practical matters in my life... (I'm off to start a new thread)

Offline osric

  • Member
  • Posts: 54
Re: Fear of being depressed
« Reply #8 on: June 19, 2012, 08:32:30 PM »
Ugh. Things have gotten a lot worse again. I feel like I'm losing my mind. No job, no money, just doctors poking and prodding and writing prescriptions and telling me I'm okay and I'll feel better.

I don't feel better.

Where do I go to get help? My ASO has been useless. They don't even have any support groups right now.

I don't have the cash to buy a bus ticket to go to the doctor, so I've been walking three miles each way. I've been walking so much that the soles are falling off of my shoes and I have huge blisters on my feet. I ran out of razor blades and shaving cream. My cell phone was disconnected since I can't pay the bill. I bounced a check for my health insurance so now I have a negative bank account balance and no insurance coverage. My parents gave me $10,000 last year but it's gone now and they have nothing more to lend me. My mom thinks I should apply for social security benefits.

I found a program downtown (another three miles) that serves breakfast and lunch so at least I can eat a couple of times a day. But I get *really* agitated when I'm there and last Friday got in a heated argument and nearly decked a guy who was coming on to me.

Where do you guys turn for help when it gets this bad?

Offline osric

  • Member
  • Posts: 54
Re: Fear of being depressed
« Reply #9 on: July 01, 2012, 12:50:15 AM »
OK. I just wrote a 7,000 word tome that I was going to post here, but I can't bear to dump a whole week's worth of drama on the forum.

In sum, my insurance stopped paying for my seizure meds (Lamictal) so I went without them for a week, ended up in the ER, barely avoided getting admitted for a 7-day inpatient vacation in the psych ward, and got an eviction letter from my landlord. I tried to get into a partial hospital program but my insurance has a deductible of $1500 and the partial program wants that paid up front in order to admit me. Ha. I barely have bus money.

Somehow I left the hospital with a new prescription - now I take Ativan, apparently to help transition me back onto the Lamictal.

I have two days unaccounted for. One I scribbled "slept all day" on my calendar and the other is completely blank in my mind. And I don't think I ate at all on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, or Thursday.

I got some help from a counselor at my ASO to figure out a few priorities (lunch was a good start, though I wasn't hungry), so I finally applied for SSDI and I have an appointment on Monday to talk with a housing advocate to find a new place to live.

So that was this week. I have some seizure meds (horray). I still have nagging suicidal thoughts (ugh).

Tomorrow is Sunday. I have no idea what I'll do with myself. Perhaps I'll put in some quality time with my teddy bear and Netflix.

Offline osric

  • Member
  • Posts: 54
Re: Fear of being depressed
« Reply #10 on: July 02, 2012, 05:10:16 PM »
Sorry that this thread has just become me blogging about what's going on in my life, but it gives me a reason to come visit the forums :)

Sunday I was inspired so I sent out a few resumes and applied for a job online. It was good practice for when I am actually ready to work again.

And today was a record busy day for me. I went to the local state transitional assistance (e.g. welfare) office to find out what I need to do to apply for cash assistance. They provide a monthly $300 to individuals who qualify. The paperwork to get that $300 is astounding. But since I have lots of time and could put that cash to good use, I'll do the paperwork.

I actually made a dozen phone calls, talked to people on the phone (rare for me, I usually avoid that completely). I talked to my psychiatrist, neurologist's office, my old therapist (who I may go back to if she'll take me). My psychiatrist prescribed a new antidepressant for me, so I have to go pick that up this afternoon. I called a local psych partial hospital program and started the referral paperwork with my psychiatrist to see if I can get in to start tomorrow morning (!).

I spoke with my local ASO and ran down a laundry list of issues with the case manager they assigned me. I'll be going in to a group meeting on Thursday that they hold for folks who are dealing with housing issues. And I got a referral to one of their mental health counselors. I left a message for my medical case manager to find out if their office provides subsidized public transit passes for folks to get to their appointments.

I even called the local bike-share program to find out if I'll qualify for their subsidized membership. Thought it might get me to do some fitness activity.

Then I got a random email from someone on one of those online "dating" sites I try not to frequent. The guy was all over how he wanted to party and asking if I had a source. Delete! Made me laugh.

I paid my rent, paid my latest health insurance premium, and wrote a letter to my ADAP program updating some contact info for them.

All around very productive. I did more today than I have in the past month. Not sure if it was the Ativan or what, but it was nice to get things moving forward a little.

Hoping the trend continues...
« Last Edit: July 02, 2012, 05:13:30 PM by osric »

Offline osric

  • Member
  • Posts: 54
Re: Fear of being depressed
« Reply #11 on: July 04, 2012, 01:28:16 AM »
today is not good. i went to a meeting and came home. someone was following me but i couldn't see them. i snuck in aroudn the house through the bulkhead i was afraid to go in the dooor. i hid in the basement crying with my teddy bear. i am afraid someone is going to come and get me. i went in the closet to try to sleep but i didnt I'm writing this on my computer under the sheets so no one can see me. someone called my phone three times from a blocked number and I think they might be after me. i turned it off so they cant hear it if it rings. im afraid i am typing too loud and they will find meI just want to disappear so they cant hurt me will they be able to find me on the interet now oh no what have i done i just want to die

Offline Jeff G

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 11,846
  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: Fear of being depressed
« Reply #12 on: July 04, 2012, 01:37:14 AM »
Hi orsic ... It does seem like you are having a bad day . Why do you think somebody is after you ? I really don't know much about your history but I was hoping if you could talk to someone maybe you wouldn't be so frightened . I'm sure you are having a rough night but I'm also equally sure you are going to be OK if you can calm down . Please let me know how you are doing . I'm Jeff BTW .

Offline Rockin

  • Member
  • Posts: 494
Re: Fear of being depressed
« Reply #13 on: July 04, 2012, 01:43:58 AM »
today is not good. i went to a meeting and came home. someone was following me but i couldn't see them. i snuck in aroudn the house through the bulkhead i was afraid to go in the dooor. i hid in the basement crying with my teddy bear. i am afraid someone is going to come and get me. i went in the closet to try to sleep but i didnt I'm writing this on my computer under the sheets so no one can see me. someone called my phone three times from a blocked number and I think they might be after me. i turned it off so they cant hear it if it rings. im afraid i am typing too loud and they will find meI just want to disappear so they cant hurt me will they be able to find me on the interet now oh no what have i done i just want to die

Osric please get it together. Don't you have anyone that could help you in any way, personally? Family? Some old friend maybe? You should not be alone at all.

Ive been to dark places and trust me, things can get better before you know it. But you have to take care of yourself. Where do you live, maybe someone here can recommend a good support group close-by.

 

Offline Jeff G

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 11,846
  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: Fear of being depressed
« Reply #14 on: July 04, 2012, 01:49:29 AM »
I'm going to shut down here for the night but wanted to say if you are feeling too fearful or like you cant handle being alone or haven't anyone else to rely on you could call 911 and ask for assistance . Good luck .

Offline osric

  • Member
  • Posts: 54
Re: Fear of being depressed
« Reply #15 on: July 05, 2012, 04:34:58 PM »
I made it through the night okay. Thanks for all your kind words.

I got admitted to a psych partial hospital program and started today. They're going to monitor my meds and see what they can change to help. I dread going to the doctor these days since I have to walk everywhere (no car, no money) - at least this hospital program is only a half hour away on foot. I've had trouble with paranoia in the past , usually at night, and I've been on antipsychotics before when it was really bad.

I don't have any family or close friends nearby and I've alienated a lot of people over the years because I isolate so much when things are bad. The doctors are really the only people I talk to with any regularity. I know that needs to change.

Tomorrow will be a big paperwork day... I have dozens of pages of forms to fill out for SSDI, SSI, the local state cash assistance, and subsidized housing stuff. I sent in a form for a subsidized transit pass and for the local bike share program (so I don't have to walk everywhere).

It looks like I'll start Complera soon if my neurologist OK's it. That should be fun to add to the party.

Tired after the day at the hospital so I'm going to zone out in front of the TV for a bit and go to bed early.

Thanks again everyone.

Offline Jeff G

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 11,846
  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: Fear of being depressed
« Reply #16 on: July 05, 2012, 04:45:37 PM »
Thanks for the update . I'm wishing you the best and hoping you get to the place where you can feel good and safe again , take care ! . 

Offline osric

  • Member
  • Posts: 54
Re: Fear of being depressed
« Reply #17 on: July 11, 2012, 07:49:52 AM »
Please don't bother to read this, I'm just tired and killing some time so I'm going to babble on a bit...

Well the psychiatrist at the partial hospital program took me off the Ativan yesterday and now I see why I liked it -- it actually worked to calm my anxiety. Klonopin is like a placebo in comparison. She discontinued it because she's concerned that "people" get addicted to it and it's not as long-lasting a Klonopin (which, like I said, is kind of useless for me at these low dosages). They're holding off on the Complera to see how the current psych meds do before adding that in.

Other than giving me somewhere to go and sit for the day, I'm not getting much out of the program. One of the staff gave me some paperclips and post it notes yesterday to help me organize the SSDI, SSI, DTA, and other government forms and disability-related paperwork.

The groups have seemed shallow and boring (I fell asleep during a Marsha Linehan DBT video that I've seen twice before), there's way too much down time (who needs 1.5 hours for lunch??), and if they dare do "healing through the arts" and bring out the crayons, I'm walking. (Ok, probably not but I feel that way at the moment.) At least I get lots of breaks to go outside for a smoke. LOL

I sat up last night writing about all my suicidal thinking and it was an interesting exercise. I wonder if that will go away at some point or if I just need to learn to deal with it. I also spent a good three hours or so afraid and hiding and crying and all that crap. This is very tiresome.

I haven't talked about my HIV as the big contributor to my depression yet, so maybe today will be the day to open that door.

Money is becoming a huge issue. My cell phone gets shut off today so I signed up for a Google Voice number (thank you Google!) so at least I can get messages. Haven't yet figured out how to make calls, though, since you still need to pay to call regular phones  ??? I sent out some resumes for a few part-time jobs to see if I can find a way to make some cash to pay rent and my med co-pays. On Tuesday I counted out $1.00 in pennies at the pharmacy to cover the co-pay on one of my meds. ADAP is supposed to pick that up but the computers aren't happy with my insurance. I tried to sign up for a subsidized membership to the local bike-share program, but you need a debit card to pay them and -- oops -- I had to close my bank account last week so it wouldn't go into the red. The social workers keep saying I should volunteer somewhere -- WTF? I need cash, not an internship.

Bright spot: A friend offered to let me stay in his spare bedroom if I can't afford a place to live in September, so at least I know I won't be homeless.

Blah blah blah. Woe is me. Eventually I'll get out of this pit of despair.

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Fear of being depressed
« Reply #18 on: July 11, 2012, 09:42:47 AM »

The social workers keep saying I should volunteer somewhere -- WTF? I need cash, not an internship.


Sometimes volunteer work can lead to a paid position and if not with the particular organisation you're volunteering for, maybe somewhere else. You can use a volunteer position to network, for example.

It can also show prospective employers that you are willing to work and can be dedicated to working, even if it's in a volunteer capacity with no monetary gain. Volunteer work looks great on a resume.

I think your social worker's advice is sound. Try it - it won't do you any harm and it just might open doors for you.

Hang in there!
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline osric

  • Member
  • Posts: 54
Re: Fear of being depressed
« Reply #19 on: July 21, 2012, 06:56:16 AM »
Hi Ann - thanks for the encouragement. I've been surprised how difficult it is to volunteer! I've applied to two volunteer opportunities and have interviews set up next month. These are big nonprofits, so they have to run a background check, which apparently takes another couple of weeks. You can't just walk in and say "hi, could I help with some filing?"

I thought I'd look this weekend to see if there's a small local group that can use some help until I get through the bureaucracy of the big nonprofits.

And apparently summer is a bad time to be in crisis -- everyone is on vacation!

I did finally talk about my HIV at the partial hospital program -- the anniversary of my diagnosis was on Thursday, and I just needed to let off some steam. It was good practice; most everyone had supportive things to say.

I'm back on Ativan again -- that is one amazing drug for me; even little doses calm me down dramatically and let me get so much done. Klonopin just makes me feel bored and lethargic; Ativan makes me feel productive. I hope it doesn't lose its effectiveness over time.

I'm still overwhelmed and afraid and those suicidal thoughts creep in at the most unwelcome times, but I'm making some progress.

I'm disclosing tomorrow to my big sister, since she's been the most supportive through this latest severe bout of depression and I feel like I can trust her with the news.

It's nice to be able to vent here. This forum is a bit of a lifeline for me.

Offline osric

  • Member
  • Posts: 54
Re: Fear of being depressed
« Reply #20 on: July 29, 2012, 11:25:58 AM »
So I disclosed to my sister last weekend. She cried, asked why I hadn't asked for her help earlier, why I hadn't told her sooner. We talked for three hours. It was exhausting, but a big relief. I have a new ally.

I sent her a link to thebody.com so she'd have somewhere to find accurate information. There's so much bunk that you find when you google.

Things are better here. I'm journaling a lot to get my thoughts out. Seems to be helping.

I've discovered that I really need to be assertive with my doctors and their miscellaneous administrators to get things done. I'm usually really bad at communicating urgency, so this is a challenge.

Turns out there are lots of resources out there -- but they're hard to tap into, they have long lead times to get involved in, you need to fill out all sorts of paperwork, and there's not really anyone who can help coordinate it. Frustrating.

Things are moving forward, so it's progress. Feeling less hopeless now.

Offline osric

  • Member
  • Posts: 54
Re: Fear of being depressed
« Reply #21 on: August 27, 2012, 07:40:40 AM »
Well, I'll be homeless on Wednesday.

I've scouted out a couple of parks where I can sleep while the weather is still okay, and I'm going to my ASO this afternoon to try once again to see if there is any emergency housing available.

I've met a couple of guys who are homeless and they both prefer to sleep on the streets rather than in the shelters. They say it's safer. I guess I'll find out.

My meds aren't really working anymore so my doc has me going in for a CAT scan on Wed and an MRI next week. There's only so much the doctors can do in a 15-minute appointment.

I still don't have a regular therapist, so I feel like I'm dangling by a thread.

Offline Jeff G

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 11,846
  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: Fear of being depressed
« Reply #22 on: August 27, 2012, 10:54:05 AM »
Hi Osric . You mentioned in one post that you have a sister , is there anyway you can stay with her or another family member until you can figure out a place to live .

I'm very sorry you are dealing with this buddy .   

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 9,955
Re: Fear of being depressed
« Reply #23 on: August 27, 2012, 03:10:27 PM »
Osric, I can tell you in the community I live in, it's much safer in the shelters than on the streets.  Please re-consider staying in a shelter.  For instance, if something were to happen to you on the street (like getting robbed or beat up), there's really no one around to offer assistance.  If you're in a shelter, this is some level of supervision so things are more under control, risk wise. 

I don't know what the size of your ASO is, but at the one where I'm employed, we don't have funds for emergency housing, so many times clients struggling financially do go to shelters. Please don't give up on the idea, if it comes to that.  Our shelters offer programs for people to become independent again.  I'm sure other shelters do the same.

Please take care of yourself, and don't give up.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline osric

  • Member
  • Posts: 54
Re: Fear of being depressed
« Reply #24 on: September 08, 2012, 07:54:49 PM »
Hi BT65, I've talked to my ASOs and they have me on lists for section 8 housing, but that can take months. And there are a few programs that I'm not eligible for since I don't have a job.

I was feeling extremely paranoid and afraid last weekend (I swore someone was following me and trying to get me), so I went to the nearest ER. I got sectioned in to the psych ward for the week, and that was a useless experience. No therapy, they kept forgetting to give me my meds, and the program was mostly just art classes run by OT students. Why do they let people on suicide watch make beaded necklaces?

The highlight of the week was that I killed three cockroaches in the shower.

At some point I just decided to lie to them and tell them what they wanted to hear so I could get out of that place. I'd rather be afraid and psychotic on the street than trapped in a hospital where you can't even go outside or have a cigarette.
« Last Edit: September 08, 2012, 08:12:07 PM by osric »

Offline osric

  • Member
  • Posts: 54
Re: Fear of being depressed
« Reply #25 on: October 23, 2012, 03:27:24 PM »
Since my last post a lot has changed. I've been in and out of the hospital a couple of times for my depression/anxiety/seizures and I've moved into a residential substance abuse program. I hadn't really acknowledged how much my drinking and party drugs were wreaking havoc on my life.

So now I'm homeless but in transitional housing and starting to get the help I need to get back on my feet.

My mental health is still poor. I think about suicide every day. I'm not able to work. I'm waiting for my second denial from SSDI. I tried to volunteer at my local ASO but my anxiety got the better of me and I bailed. I'm not yet able to be the reliable person I used to be. There's just too much going on in my head (I'm either overmedicated or feeling extremely paranoid, anxious, and suicidal -- or sometimes a random combination of all those). My seizure auras are pretty persistent, and my neurologist is concerned. She brought up "internal monitoring" in a recent visit; that's what most people call brain surgery. Kind of a little turkey thermometer stuck through a hole in your skull and into your brain. I said no thanks to that for now. I'm telling myself that someday we'll get the meds right and I'll have a clear head again.

I keep trying to remind myself that things aren't that bad. They could be worse, right? At least I have a bed to sleep in and I can get meals at the house and at my local community center. I even got a nice new scarf from a bin of new clothing that was donated for a support group I participate in.

That's all for now.
« Last Edit: October 23, 2012, 03:41:37 PM by osric »

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 9,955
Re: Fear of being depressed
« Reply #26 on: November 11, 2012, 06:33:20 PM »
Osric, I'm glad you're in transitional housing.  You're dealing with so much right now.  Just be gentle with yourself, and try not to think things that are mentally overwhelming.  Try to come up with 3 things you are grateful for each day, and write those down.  Really, that does improve one's mental health when depressed.  We're here.  Hang in there.

Betty

Edited to add:  Here is a link to a free wireless phone plan.  You get something like 250 free minutes per month.  A lot of my clients have it, and call it the "Obama phone" lol.

http://www.assurancewireless.com/Public/MorePrograms.aspx?utm_source=GoogleLocal&utm_medium=cpc&utm_term=assurance_phone_for_free&utm_content=General_-_Phone_-_Broadutm_campaign=Medium_-_Efficiency_-_Brand_-_PhonesBrand
« Last Edit: November 11, 2012, 06:44:12 PM by BT65 »
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline osric

  • Member
  • Posts: 54
Re: Fear of being depressed
« Reply #27 on: November 12, 2012, 01:42:54 PM »
Thanks for your words of support. Alas, more drama:

Two weeks ago I was hit by a car while crossing the street in a marked crosswalk. I'm mostly okay, just a broken wrist in a cast for the next six weeks or so, and trauma to my elbow and shoulder that I've started physical therapy for. And a lawyer to make sure my medical bills get paid by the driver's insurance.

Going to the doctor has become my primary job. I had nine appointments last week, and it's pretty overwhelming. This week is only 5 appointments.

Tired and in pain now but trudging along.

Offline BT65

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 9,955
Re: Fear of being depressed
« Reply #28 on: November 14, 2012, 05:58:15 PM »
I don't have a broken wrist, but I get all the appointment stuff.  I have bone on bone in both knees, and will be starting physical therapy probably next week.  I did go to one appointment, but they had to be authorization from my insurance, and just called when I was at work to tell me they got it.  So, pretty soon I'll be going to many appointments. 

I'm sorry about that accident.  I hope the driver's insurance doesn't give you grief.  I hope you sue the driver for suffering also.
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline osric

  • Member
  • Posts: 54
Re: Fear of being depressed
« Reply #29 on: March 22, 2014, 04:44:43 PM »
^ bump

It's been a long time since I've posted. I lucked out and got approved for SSDI last fall (since I was without a lawyer, I went before an administrative judge and she approved it for me). And then in a leap of faith I sent a housing application in to a house that is run by a small ASO and **I got in**!!! The universe has been looking out for me, I guess.

The winter here was rough (it's a small town of about 3,000) and I spent most of my time isolating in my room and trying to get to doc appointments. I'm 3 hours away from the city by bus, and there's only one bus a day. So I've missed a couple of appointments and my pdoc is pissed off at me. My depression is still, well, desperate, but having people around in the house and staff here 24x7 at least makes me feel safe.

I just got a new therapist locally (I can walk to her office) and she referred me to a pdoc that everyone raves about. If I can keep those two bases covered I'll only need to go in to the city to see my neurologist every other month. Much less stress there.

The crocuses are staring to come up in the yard and I'm on the waiting list for a plot in the community garden, so maybe I'll get to plant some veggies this spring. Something to look forward to. I got some software for my computer that autocorrects and capitalizes things for me, so I can type okay despite my tremors. I'm even thinking of actually volunteering somewhere this summer so I have a reason to leave the house. Progress.

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 28,140
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Fear of being depressed
« Reply #30 on: March 22, 2014, 04:52:30 PM »
Wow, progress indeed! I'm so happy for you! Thank you for such an uplifting post. I really needed to hear some good news today, and your news isn't just "good", it's fantastic!

I hope you get the garden plot, growing and nurturing plants is good for the soul. I've been neglecting my own garden the past couple years but this year I'm already starting to get out there and make up for lost time. I'm looking forward to a pleasant summer and I hope you are too.

I hope things continue to go well for you. Please keep us updated. :)

Hugs,
Ann
xxx
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline OneTampa

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,219
  • "Butterflies are free."
Re: Fear of being depressed
« Reply #31 on: March 23, 2014, 11:36:43 AM »
Osric,

Thank you for the update.  Wishing you all the very best.

You even inspired me to go in my back yard and do more than put the trash can at the fence for pickup.  :)

Take care.
"He is my oldest child. The shy and retiring one over there with the Haitian headdress serving pescaíto frito."

Offline AverageJoe

  • Member
  • Posts: 17
Re: Fear of being depressed
« Reply #32 on: March 23, 2014, 12:28:23 PM »
Hi Osric, thanks for the update. Keep moving forward.

All the best,
James

 


Terms of Membership for these forums
 

© 2014 Smart + Strong. All Rights Reserved.   terms of use and your privacy
Smart + Strong® is a registered trademark of CDM Publishing, LLC.