Meds, Mind, Body & Benefits > Mental Health & HIV

Fear of being depressed

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Since my last post a lot has changed. I've been in and out of the hospital a couple of times for my depression/anxiety/seizures and I've moved into a residential substance abuse program. I hadn't really acknowledged how much my drinking and party drugs were wreaking havoc on my life.

So now I'm homeless but in transitional housing and starting to get the help I need to get back on my feet.

My mental health is still poor. I think about suicide every day. I'm not able to work. I'm waiting for my second denial from SSDI. I tried to volunteer at my local ASO but my anxiety got the better of me and I bailed. I'm not yet able to be the reliable person I used to be. There's just too much going on in my head (I'm either overmedicated or feeling extremely paranoid, anxious, and suicidal -- or sometimes a random combination of all those). My seizure auras are pretty persistent, and my neurologist is concerned. She brought up "internal monitoring" in a recent visit; that's what most people call brain surgery. Kind of a little turkey thermometer stuck through a hole in your skull and into your brain. I said no thanks to that for now. I'm telling myself that someday we'll get the meds right and I'll have a clear head again.

I keep trying to remind myself that things aren't that bad. They could be worse, right? At least I have a bed to sleep in and I can get meals at the house and at my local community center. I even got a nice new scarf from a bin of new clothing that was donated for a support group I participate in.

That's all for now.

Osric, I'm glad you're in transitional housing.  You're dealing with so much right now.  Just be gentle with yourself, and try not to think things that are mentally overwhelming.  Try to come up with 3 things you are grateful for each day, and write those down.  Really, that does improve one's mental health when depressed.  We're here.  Hang in there.


Edited to add:  Here is a link to a free wireless phone plan.  You get something like 250 free minutes per month.  A lot of my clients have it, and call it the "Obama phone" lol.

Thanks for your words of support. Alas, more drama:

Two weeks ago I was hit by a car while crossing the street in a marked crosswalk. I'm mostly okay, just a broken wrist in a cast for the next six weeks or so, and trauma to my elbow and shoulder that I've started physical therapy for. And a lawyer to make sure my medical bills get paid by the driver's insurance.

Going to the doctor has become my primary job. I had nine appointments last week, and it's pretty overwhelming. This week is only 5 appointments.

Tired and in pain now but trudging along.

I don't have a broken wrist, but I get all the appointment stuff.  I have bone on bone in both knees, and will be starting physical therapy probably next week.  I did go to one appointment, but they had to be authorization from my insurance, and just called when I was at work to tell me they got it.  So, pretty soon I'll be going to many appointments. 

I'm sorry about that accident.  I hope the driver's insurance doesn't give you grief.  I hope you sue the driver for suffering also.

^ bump

It's been a long time since I've posted. I lucked out and got approved for SSDI last fall (since I was without a lawyer, I went before an administrative judge and she approved it for me). And then in a leap of faith I sent a housing application in to a house that is run by a small ASO and **I got in**!!! The universe has been looking out for me, I guess.

The winter here was rough (it's a small town of about 3,000) and I spent most of my time isolating in my room and trying to get to doc appointments. I'm 3 hours away from the city by bus, and there's only one bus a day. So I've missed a couple of appointments and my pdoc is pissed off at me. My depression is still, well, desperate, but having people around in the house and staff here 24x7 at least makes me feel safe.

I just got a new therapist locally (I can walk to her office) and she referred me to a pdoc that everyone raves about. If I can keep those two bases covered I'll only need to go in to the city to see my neurologist every other month. Much less stress there.

The crocuses are staring to come up in the yard and I'm on the waiting list for a plot in the community garden, so maybe I'll get to plant some veggies this spring. Something to look forward to. I got some software for my computer that autocorrects and capitalizes things for me, so I can type okay despite my tremors. I'm even thinking of actually volunteering somewhere this summer so I have a reason to leave the house. Progress.


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