Meds, Mind, Body & Benefits > Mental Health & HIV

Fear of being depressed

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osric:
Sorry that this thread has just become me blogging about what's going on in my life, but it gives me a reason to come visit the forums :)

Sunday I was inspired so I sent out a few resumes and applied for a job online. It was good practice for when I am actually ready to work again.

And today was a record busy day for me. I went to the local state transitional assistance (e.g. welfare) office to find out what I need to do to apply for cash assistance. They provide a monthly $300 to individuals who qualify. The paperwork to get that $300 is astounding. But since I have lots of time and could put that cash to good use, I'll do the paperwork.

I actually made a dozen phone calls, talked to people on the phone (rare for me, I usually avoid that completely). I talked to my psychiatrist, neurologist's office, my old therapist (who I may go back to if she'll take me). My psychiatrist prescribed a new antidepressant for me, so I have to go pick that up this afternoon. I called a local psych partial hospital program and started the referral paperwork with my psychiatrist to see if I can get in to start tomorrow morning (!).

I spoke with my local ASO and ran down a laundry list of issues with the case manager they assigned me. I'll be going in to a group meeting on Thursday that they hold for folks who are dealing with housing issues. And I got a referral to one of their mental health counselors. I left a message for my medical case manager to find out if their office provides subsidized public transit passes for folks to get to their appointments.

I even called the local bike-share program to find out if I'll qualify for their subsidized membership. Thought it might get me to do some fitness activity.

Then I got a random email from someone on one of those online "dating" sites I try not to frequent. The guy was all over how he wanted to party and asking if I had a source. Delete! Made me laugh.

I paid my rent, paid my latest health insurance premium, and wrote a letter to my ADAP program updating some contact info for them.

All around very productive. I did more today than I have in the past month. Not sure if it was the Ativan or what, but it was nice to get things moving forward a little.

Hoping the trend continues...

osric:
today is not good. i went to a meeting and came home. someone was following me but i couldn't see them. i snuck in aroudn the house through the bulkhead i was afraid to go in the dooor. i hid in the basement crying with my teddy bear. i am afraid someone is going to come and get me. i went in the closet to try to sleep but i didnt I'm writing this on my computer under the sheets so no one can see me. someone called my phone three times from a blocked number and I think they might be after me. i turned it off so they cant hear it if it rings. im afraid i am typing too loud and they will find meI just want to disappear so they cant hurt me will they be able to find me on the interet now oh no what have i done i just want to die

Jeff G:
Hi orsic ... It does seem like you are having a bad day . Why do you think somebody is after you ? I really don't know much about your history but I was hoping if you could talk to someone maybe you wouldn't be so frightened . I'm sure you are having a rough night but I'm also equally sure you are going to be OK if you can calm down . Please let me know how you are doing . I'm Jeff BTW .

Rockin:

--- Quote from: osric on July 04, 2012, 01:28:16 AM ---today is not good. i went to a meeting and came home. someone was following me but i couldn't see them. i snuck in aroudn the house through the bulkhead i was afraid to go in the dooor. i hid in the basement crying with my teddy bear. i am afraid someone is going to come and get me. i went in the closet to try to sleep but i didnt I'm writing this on my computer under the sheets so no one can see me. someone called my phone three times from a blocked number and I think they might be after me. i turned it off so they cant hear it if it rings. im afraid i am typing too loud and they will find meI just want to disappear so they cant hurt me will they be able to find me on the interet now oh no what have i done i just want to die

--- End quote ---

Osric please get it together. Don't you have anyone that could help you in any way, personally? Family? Some old friend maybe? You should not be alone at all.

Ive been to dark places and trust me, things can get better before you know it. But you have to take care of yourself. Where do you live, maybe someone here can recommend a good support group close-by.

 

Jeff G:
I'm going to shut down here for the night but wanted to say if you are feeling too fearful or like you cant handle being alone or haven't anyone else to rely on you could call 911 and ask for assistance . Good luck .

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