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Author Topic: take responsibility for your infection  (Read 2640 times)

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Offline zach

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  • Posts: 1,225
take responsibility for your infection
« on: January 29, 2012, 11:13:19 PM »
you were lied to. he/she promised it was monogamous. you choose to believe them, for your own reasons. you chose to have unprotected sex. now you're positive, and looking for someone to blame. look in the mirror. forgive yourself, so that you can live with this without hating yourself or your fellow pozzies.


Offline AdonisSMU

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  • Posts: 71
Re: take responsibility for your infection
« Reply #1 on: January 30, 2012, 12:38:30 AM »
Ok I am.

Offline spacebarsux

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  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: take responsibility for your infection
« Reply #2 on: January 30, 2012, 12:55:50 AM »
I blame God. Not myself.
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline GSOgymrat

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  • HIV+ since 1993. INTJ
Re: take responsibility for your infection
« Reply #3 on: January 30, 2012, 01:04:16 AM »
you were lied to. he/she promised it was monogamous. you choose to believe them, for your own reasons. you chose to have unprotected sex. now you're positive, and looking for someone to blame. look in the mirror. forgive yourself, so that you can live with this without hating yourself or your fellow pozzies.

Was this supposed to go in another thread?

Offline zach

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Re: take responsibility for your infection
« Reply #4 on: January 30, 2012, 05:52:56 AM »
Was this supposed to go in another thread?

seems to be the common theme of about four different threads right now

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: take responsibility for your infection
« Reply #5 on: January 30, 2012, 07:06:44 AM »
you were lied to. he/she promised it was monogamous. you choose to believe them, for your own reasons. you chose to have unprotected sex. now you're positive, and looking for someone to blame. look in the mirror. forgive yourself, so that you can live with this without hating yourself or your fellow pozzies.

Nobody likes a suckhole, son.

MtD

Offline Assurbanipal

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  • Taking a forums break, still see PM's
Re: take responsibility for your infection
« Reply #6 on: January 30, 2012, 08:51:01 AM »
HIV is a virus.   

You are responsible for opening the door to a risk of infection.  But so did many others who did not become infected. 

The virus is responsible for the infection.  You are only responsible for the risk.

You probably didn't realize how bad the consequences of bad luck would be when you took the risk.  Now you know and you can help educate the uninfected that this is a risk they want to be particularly careful about.

But life is full of risks ...

You are not a bad person because you took a decision without fully understanding the risks.  You are just ...human.

5/06 VL 1M+, CD4 22, 5% , pneumonia, thrush -- O2 support 2 months, 6/06 +Kaletra/Truvada
9/06 VL 3959 CD4 297 13.5% 12/06 VL <400 CD4 350 15.2% +Pravachol
2007 VL<400, 70, 50 CD4 408-729 16.0% -19.7%
2008 VL UD CD4 468 - 538 16.7% - 24.6% Osteoporosis 11/08 doubled Pravachol, +Calcium/D
02/09 VL 100 CD4 616 23.7% 03/09 VL 130 5/09 VL 100 CD4 540 28.4% +Actonel (osteoporosis) 7/09 VL 130
8/09  new regimen Isentress/Epzicom 9/09 VL UD CD4 621 32.7% 11/09 VL UD CD4 607 26.4% swap Isentress for Prezista/Norvir 12/09 (liver and muscle issues) VL 50
2010 VL UD CD4 573-680 26.1% - 30.9% 12/10 VL 20
2011 VL UD-20 CD4 568-673 24.7%-30.6%
2012 VL UD swap Prezista/Norvir for Reyataz drop statin CD4 768-828 26.7%-30.7%

Offline Ann

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  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: take responsibility for your infection
« Reply #7 on: January 30, 2012, 09:08:29 AM »
I blame God. Not myself.

Why? Did God remove the condom -literally behind your back - when he shagged you? You're normally quite sage, but this comment has me stumped. I can only hope you said it in jest. (Shirley, you jest!)

I've always accepted my role in my infection, to the point of never saying "the man who infected me", but rather "the man from whom I acquired my infection". It's liberating, believe it or not.

Zach, you're quite right in raising this issue. It cannot be said enough and the n00bs need to come to grips with this fact if they're going to live well with hiv.
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline wolfter

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Re: take responsibility for your infection
« Reply #8 on: January 30, 2012, 09:14:40 AM »
To quote a famous old dead guy, " To disclose or not disclose, that is the question". ;D

Wolfie
productivity breeds content

Offline OneTampa

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  • "Butterflies are free."
Re: take responsibility for your infection
« Reply #9 on: January 30, 2012, 09:40:19 AM »
I see another fire starter with the opening salvo as the propellant.
"He is my oldest child. The shy and retiring one over there with the Haitian headdress serving pescaíto frito."

Offline zach

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  • Posts: 1,225
Re: take responsibility for your infection
« Reply #10 on: January 30, 2012, 03:39:01 PM »

Offline jb1973

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  • To thine ownself be true
Re: take responsibility for your infection
« Reply #11 on: January 30, 2012, 09:29:07 PM »
I take full responsibility for my infection.  It was my decision to fuck around without a condom. I always asked the guys if they were "safe" or "clean" and I believed they were telling me the truth when they told me they were negative or "d&d free".  Obviously, someone wasnt telling the truth.  Do I hate them? Am I mad with them.?
Truth is, I can't harbor any ill feelings toward the "person" who infected me.  I played a part in that infection by not protecting myself against not only HIV, but other STD's as well.  I kind of almost have the mentality that I infected myself.  Obviously, I didnt do it on purpose, but, I took the gamble when I decided to screw without condoms. 
??Infected - 08-09??
3/3/11-tested POZ
3/18/11 - CD4-534 VL-6,600
6/24/11 - CD4-642 VL-10,800
10/11 - CD4-580 33% VL-9,900
1/12 - CD4-602 ?% VL-9,700
3/12 - CD4-552 27% VL=10,684
8/12 - cd4-550 24% VL=9.865
Started Isentress/Truvada
10/12- CD4-613 31% VL=UD

Offline surf18

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Re: take responsibility for your infection
« Reply #12 on: January 30, 2012, 09:32:14 PM »
yep well said jb. thats pretty much the way i felt since the minute i first found out. it was like oh fuck man, i just fucked my life up. but i never was like who did this to me I'm gonna kill them. no one did this to me. every time i did it without a rubber i knew the risk. every time. i take full responsibility for my issue. but i don't hate myself either. hell I'm human and i did what millions of other uninfected people did and that was have unprotected sex, i just got burned.

Offline jb1973

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  • To thine ownself be true
Re: take responsibility for your infection
« Reply #13 on: January 30, 2012, 09:46:33 PM »
Exactly.  I dont hate myself either.....well not anymore....lol.  Seriously, it was a little rough at the beginning, but, once i got over the inital shock and was able to think clearly, I realized that I really couldnt "blame" anyone but myself...........
??Infected - 08-09??
3/3/11-tested POZ
3/18/11 - CD4-534 VL-6,600
6/24/11 - CD4-642 VL-10,800
10/11 - CD4-580 33% VL-9,900
1/12 - CD4-602 ?% VL-9,700
3/12 - CD4-552 27% VL=10,684
8/12 - cd4-550 24% VL=9.865
Started Isentress/Truvada
10/12- CD4-613 31% VL=UD

Offline denb45

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  • "1987 Classic Old School POZ+"
Re: take responsibility for your infection
« Reply #14 on: January 30, 2012, 10:12:58 PM »
YAWNNNNNN........  ::)
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline Dr.Strangelove

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  • Posts: 206
Re: take responsibility for your infection
« Reply #15 on: January 31, 2012, 12:27:41 AM »
I take full responsibility for my infection.  It was my decision to fuck around without a condom. I always asked the guys if they were "safe" or "clean" and I believed they were telling me the truth when they told me they were negative or "d&d free".  Obviously, someone wasnt telling the truth.  Do I hate them? Am I mad with them.?
Truth is, I can't harbor any ill feelings toward the "person" who infected me.  I played a part in that infection by not protecting myself against not only HIV, but other STD's as well.  I kind of almost have the mentality that I infected myself.  Obviously, I didnt do it on purpose, but, I took the gamble when I decided to screw without condoms.

That is exactly how I feel about my situation. In some way I found it much more easy to accept this new situation and come to terms with it, knowing that this was my own fault. I knew the risks and now I have to deal with the consequences of my actions. Seems fair enough.
If I was an 'innocent victim' I'd probably be angry and keep wondering why the world is conspiring against me.

Offline Theyer

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  • Current ambition. Walk the Dog .
Re: take responsibility for your infection
« Reply #16 on: January 31, 2012, 05:35:07 AM »
My earlest memory off a preventative message that really made sense to me emphasised that each individual was responsible for what went onto him or her.

Taking that fully on board it meant nobody could infect me only I could let it happen.

Due to illness / recovery I lost touch with gay sex life,from a period 92-95 .In the period Around 1990 My experience was ,condons where everywhere,boxer shorts had pouches designed for condon,s ditto Wallets , instead off Brando style cigarette packets rolled up in a white T shirt sleeve I'd see a pack off condons, v high turn on that one the message was assume everyone is positive .All Bars had free condons and lube packs. Then when my libido returned and I  I learnt a new term "Barebacking" and I can still remember it was a profound shock. I was reeling with shock ,some how in that period my sense that the message was getting out there,and central to that message was you where responsible for what went into you. And the ? are you positive was redundant because everyone could be. had become diluted, and sometimes it felt like it was even under attack .

Now I realize that the money spent on the new drugs sucked up the prevention budjets. But I do not think that is the only reason , some how AIDS was now last year,not part off the new generations future and being responsible had somehow lost something.

But for a period I remember a solid sense off you where responsible for what went in you, and therefore there was not the ? off who was responsible. You where because it was yours in the first place.
mhtv
« Last Edit: January 31, 2012, 05:37:48 AM by Theyer »
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline spacebarsux

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  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: take responsibility for your infection
« Reply #17 on: January 31, 2012, 06:15:12 AM »
Why? Did God remove the condom -literally behind your back - when he shagged you? You're normally quite sage, but this comment has me stumped. I can only hope you said it in jest. (Shirley, you jest!)


Ann, Well, yeah it was sorta in jest but it's also a sort of personal coping mechanism. While I take full responsibly for what happened I don't like to feel culpable about it because it just gets me down. So in that light, I like to blame (if anyone can be blamed) God/ Destiny whatever- but not in that I received my comeuppance for my devious ways or something, but in that what happened was predestined and i can't change it. I mean if this were 1855, I could have barebacked like crazy without worrying about HIV, right ?  ;). Well they had the Plague, small pox and other nasties instead.

That said, to my mind I always thought/ assumed I was safe (except with my ex who tested negative and whose results I've seen so I know it wasn't him) and don't know for certain how or when I got infected (i.e. the precise date and the person). I had ranted about it in a thread (sometimes accidents  do happen. why is it so hard to accept?) last May. http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=38024.msg474635#msg474635. I was quite bitter in those months but that has since abated.

I do know I was infected sometime in late 2005 or early 2006 though, cos I distinctly remember my seroconversion with painful lymph nodes in my underarms, etc, plus I've had irritable bowels, skin problems etc since around that time, plus I know I had  some drunk encounters in that period which I thought were safe(obviously they all weren't  ::)) and are now beyond hazy.

So yes, I take full responsibility for what happened, but since I don't recall the unsafe experience- not that I'm saying it didn't happen  (it obviously did somewhere, otherwise I wouldn't be here)- I don't like to blame myself for it but I do hold myself accountable and have never pointed fingers at anyone else. Except God/ Destiny. It's just my way of making peace with it, I guess.
« Last Edit: January 31, 2012, 06:27:25 AM by spacebarsux »
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline Ann

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  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: take responsibility for your infection
« Reply #18 on: January 31, 2012, 06:41:46 AM »

I mean if this were 1855, I could have barebacked like crazy without worrying about HIV, right ?  ;). Well they had the Plague, small pox and other nasties instead.


Don't forget syphilis, which was quite rampant in those days and there was no cure at that time. Syphilis kills too when left untreated. It also eventually makes you go insane.

As for the rest of it, well, whatever gets you though the night, eh? At least you've gotten past the bitterness, and far faster than some.
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline LM

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  • Posts: 409
Re: take responsibility for your infection
« Reply #19 on: January 31, 2012, 06:56:10 PM »
Yeah, syphilis is a bitch. I'm still having trouble with this bugger. I hope they come up with a vaccine for it soon enough.

Offline phildinftlaudy

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  • sweet Ann what you think babe...
Re: take responsibility for your infection
« Reply #20 on: January 31, 2012, 08:13:15 PM »
This seems like a great time to plug my "Dayuuuuumm Syphilis" thread again....

if you haven't checked it out, you really should...

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=38584.0

 ;D
September 13, 2008 - diagnosed +
Labs:
Date    CD4    %   VL     Date  CD4  %   VL
10/08  636    35  510   9/09 473  38 2900  12/4/09 Atripla
12/09  540    30    60   
12/10  740    41  <48   
8/11    667    36  <20  
03/12  1,041  42  <20
05/12  1,241  47  <20
08/12   780    37  <20
11/12   549    35  <20
02/12  1,102  42  <20
11/12   549    35  <20

Offline thunter34

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  • His name is Carl.
Re: take responsibility for your infection
« Reply #21 on: January 31, 2012, 08:28:30 PM »
This seems like a great time to plug my "Dayuuuuumm Syphilis" thread again....

if you haven't checked it out, you really should...

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=38584.0

 ;D


thread whore.
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline jkinatl2

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  • Doo. Dah. Dipp-ity.
Re: take responsibility for your infection
« Reply #22 on: January 31, 2012, 08:51:45 PM »
This seems like a great time to plug my "Dayuuuuumm Syphilis" thread again....

if you haven't checked it out, you really should...

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=38584.0

 ;D

You know, I had heard about that thread but hadn't checked it out. It seems like a perfectly valuable use of my time!

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline denb45

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  • "1987 Classic Old School POZ+"
Re: take responsibility for your infection
« Reply #23 on: January 31, 2012, 08:59:00 PM »
This seems like a great time to plug my "Dayuuuuumm Syphilis" thread again....

if you haven't checked it out, you really should...

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=38584.0

 ;D

Only if your "Titers" are as low as mine it's doable Phil  ;D
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline phildinftlaudy

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  • sweet Ann what you think babe...
Re: take responsibility for your infection
« Reply #24 on: January 31, 2012, 09:06:46 PM »

thread whore.

I've been called worse... and most of it true.... thus, the story behind the "dayuuummmm syphilis" thread ---

which everyone should check out at least once or twice tonight:

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=38584.0

 ;)
September 13, 2008 - diagnosed +
Labs:
Date    CD4    %   VL     Date  CD4  %   VL
10/08  636    35  510   9/09 473  38 2900  12/4/09 Atripla
12/09  540    30    60   
12/10  740    41  <48   
8/11    667    36  <20  
03/12  1,041  42  <20
05/12  1,241  47  <20
08/12   780    37  <20
11/12   549    35  <20
02/12  1,102  42  <20
11/12   549    35  <20

Offline phildinftlaudy

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,959
  • sweet Ann what you think babe...
Re: take responsibility for your infection
« Reply #25 on: January 31, 2012, 09:09:16 PM »
You know, I had heard about that thread but hadn't checked it out. It seems like a perfectly valuable use of my time!

there's really only one thing better than reading the "dayuummmm syphilis" thread ----

and that is even better when you disclose (so I've been told)


BTW, the link to that thread for easy reference is:

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=38584.0

make sure you add it to your "favorites" list  ::)
September 13, 2008 - diagnosed +
Labs:
Date    CD4    %   VL     Date  CD4  %   VL
10/08  636    35  510   9/09 473  38 2900  12/4/09 Atripla
12/09  540    30    60   
12/10  740    41  <48   
8/11    667    36  <20  
03/12  1,041  42  <20
05/12  1,241  47  <20
08/12   780    37  <20
11/12   549    35  <20
02/12  1,102  42  <20
11/12   549    35  <20

 


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