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Author Topic: DATING gay male -  (Read 6986 times)

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Offline 47DegreesNorth

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DATING gay male -
« on: January 23, 2012, 01:18:04 PM »
I need some advice, I am absolutely failing at disclosure of my HIV status and wondering how some of you go about it.

What seems to be the best for you?
* Only dating Poz guys
* Telling immediately, upon first meeting and saying it straight up.
* Waiting a couple dates.
* When sex comes up.
* After dating for a while or when they ask
* After talking about BB sex

Normally, I tell people immediately. Meeting online I tell them before meeting in person. It leads me to rejection 49 out of 50 times. It is really starting to become a terrible cycle and I'm starting to give up on the idea of ever dating. Meeting guys on the street, gym, bars, anywhere - I think to myself there's no point, as soon as he finds out I'm poz he'll lose interest.

I don't get it though, when I was negative I never rejected a guy because he was positive. The only thought in my head was since he was poz, he's just gonna need me to take care of him more. (this is not the reason why I'm poz now)...

Would you date a poz guy, if you could go back in time and were negative?
Would you date a poz guy now?

Offline spacebarsux

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Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #1 on: January 23, 2012, 01:27:43 PM »
Would you date a poz guy, if you could go back in time and were negative?
Would you date a poz guy now?

Ans to Q1: Honestly, very regrettably, no I most likely wouldn't have. Although, I must admit I never came across a poz person (to my knowledge) prior to my diagnosis.

Ans to Q2: Preferably.
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline numbersguy82

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Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #2 on: January 23, 2012, 01:32:42 PM »
Hmmmm good questions and know that you def aren't alone with struggling to disclose. I've been dating for about a year since being poz and I personally have found that getting to know someone first helps with the disclosure. I don't date online or use any of those phone apps, but if I did I believe I would list it on my profile to make it a non-issue. Hopefully only those guys messaging me would realize my status and be ok with it.

That being said I dated 3 guys in 2011. All 3 were negative, and I chose to disclose after the first few dates, but way before sex was really part of the equation. For me I would disclose before any sexual contact no matter how safe it was. For me I like the feeling of gaining someone's trust before I disclose, but also I feel like it appears to them that I am trusting them with something that I just don't put out there for everyone to know. It really has been an non-issue for me, but I also understand I have been extremely lucky. As you point out some neg guys wouldn't date someone who was poz regardless of attraction.

Before I was diagnosed I always had good friends who were positive but I never dated anyone who was POZ... well not knowingly obviously ;)

I do feel like Karma is going to boomberang to me at some point, but I also realize it was less the stigma of a magnetic relationship before that stopped me from dating a poz guy, and was rather a lack of being informed on how we could have a normal relationship even being magnetic.

I hope you have better luck and I think the matter of disclosure will be different for everyone who replies on here. We all have our comfort zones, and who knows as time passes maybe it will become easier for me to disclose upfront. Right now however I choose to keep my status to myself and a few close friends.
8/10- 73 cd4, 7%, and 300k VL *First Labs*
9/10- Started Norvir, Prezista, and Truvada
10/10- 511 cd4, 22%, and 886 VL
12/10- 498 cd4, 22%, and 106 VL
3/11- 529 cd4, 29%, and 101 VL
8/11- 620 cd4, 30%, and 74 VL- Switched to Atripla
10/11- 580 ce4, 30%, and 62 VL
12/11- 684 cd4, 31%, and FINALLY *UD*

Offline denb45

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  • "1987 Classic Old School POZ+"
Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #3 on: January 23, 2012, 01:35:54 PM »
I've been in a sero-discordant LTR ( I'm Poz & He's Neg) for the last 18yrs. not really sure what your asking, but I'll bite  :D  I believe in full disclosure....

always have since way back in the dark age of AIDS, if a neg guy isn't interested in you, then move on, (not saying the any wouldn't be)

I mean, AIDS has been around for a very long time, and most people are well informed about this, I could always tell when a guy wasn't very  informed about this disease, and I always tried to educate them, but with stigma still out-there, sometimes a lot of them don't wanna be informed, whatever you do, don't let
HIV/AIDS stop you  good luck to you, it's a hit or miss kinda thing  ;)

"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline buginme2

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Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #4 on: January 23, 2012, 02:25:32 PM »

Would you date a poz guy, if you could go back in time and were negative?
Would you date a poz guy now?

If I were negative, yes I would date a Poz guy.
Yes I would date a Poz guy now. 

My partner is neg.  It is possible to maintain a good relationship in a Serodiscourdant couple. 

As far as your other questions...if you were going to have a traditional date ( aka dinner and movie) I wouldn't tell the guy before the first date.   I would wait until after the first date, maybe before the second date or third date before telling him.  There is no point in telling upfront if it wouldn't have worked out anyway.  Save yourself the heartache.  After all, 99% of dates don't work out (for reasons other than HIV).  At least decide if you like the guy enough to have a second or third date before spilling the beans.

If I was just going to meet someone for sex or a hookup, I would tell beforehand. 
Don't be fancy, just get dancey

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #5 on: January 23, 2012, 03:17:52 PM »
Am I the only person who has sex on the first date? Like... always.
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline denb45

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  • "1987 Classic Old School POZ+"
Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #6 on: January 23, 2012, 03:25:51 PM »
Am I the only person who has sex on the first date? Like... always.

No your not  ;D miss P,  when I 1st met Bob after my disclosure of teh AIDS ( He already knew this before we met one of his friends told him) we had sex on the 1st date, and were still having sex 18yrs later  :D
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline Miss Philicia

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Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #7 on: January 23, 2012, 03:29:31 PM »
I had sex multiple (with condoms) for an entire 4 day weekend with my last neg-LTR partner before I told him I had teh AIDS. He looked at me and said "so what? we used condoms... what are you worried about?"

And if you want to judge me on that I'll be more than happy to instruct you where to stick it.
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline numbersguy82

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Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #8 on: January 23, 2012, 03:35:17 PM »
Am I the only person who has sex on the first date? Like... always.

Miss P!!! Patti Stanger says you need to stop giving it away! Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free! I prefer dating a few months, but thats not always possible with some guys. The last guy I dated we went out for almost 3 mos and broke up before we ever even got passed making out.

That being said, I say if two grown adults wanna have sex on the first date why not. Just isn't my preference... altho if I went out with say Ryan Reynolds then possible I'd change that rule :)
8/10- 73 cd4, 7%, and 300k VL *First Labs*
9/10- Started Norvir, Prezista, and Truvada
10/10- 511 cd4, 22%, and 886 VL
12/10- 498 cd4, 22%, and 106 VL
3/11- 529 cd4, 29%, and 101 VL
8/11- 620 cd4, 30%, and 74 VL- Switched to Atripla
10/11- 580 ce4, 30%, and 62 VL
12/11- 684 cd4, 31%, and FINALLY *UD*

Offline Growler

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Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #9 on: January 23, 2012, 03:51:28 PM »
Am I the only person who has sex on the first date? Like... always.
SLUT! TRAMP! TROLLOP! TART! WENCH! JEZEBEL! STRUMPET! FLOOZY! WHORE! TOWN BIKE!

Your place or mine?

GROWLER
“If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people.”

Offline denb45

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Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #10 on: January 23, 2012, 03:51:43 PM »
I
And if you want to judge me on that I'll be more than happy to instruct you where to stick it.

Why Miss P, there may be hope for you yet  ;)
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline hope_for_a_cure

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Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #11 on: January 23, 2012, 07:54:42 PM »
I would only consider dating another pozzie at this point.  My 2nd year aids-a-versary is coming up soon and a handsome younger (not too much though) man has totally caught my attention.  Its time to date again!! 

As far as going back to a time when I was neg... I was such a slut then so the answer may skew the results of this poll.  My standards are much higher now. 

Offline surf18

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Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #12 on: January 23, 2012, 08:29:35 PM »
Sadly pre dx I wouldn't have even hooked up with a poz guy even with five rubbers. Yes i was stupidly ignorant on hiv before dx.
Now yes of course I would date a pod guy.
And if the role was reverse and my bf of 10 years was the one that became poz in our relationship and I was the one that was neg , there would be no question I would have continued to be with him.

Offline denb45

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  • "1987 Classic Old School POZ+"
Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #13 on: January 23, 2012, 08:33:54 PM »
I would date both, to me it's the same thing ( due to me being very scared of getting any STDs) and all of the little nasty things besides teh AIDS).........NO THANK YOU!
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline geobee

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  • Posts: 288
Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #14 on: January 27, 2012, 04:21:26 PM »
Hey 47,

I just put my status on my online profile(s).  That's a heck of a lot easier than having to do it person-to-person.   If I meet someone a different way, I disclose it as soon as I can.  If there's going to be rejection, best to get it out of the way soon and move on. 

Offline newt

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  • the one and original newt
Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #15 on: January 27, 2012, 05:20:59 PM »
I did and I would, and also online people are very ruthless in a "is it a nice steak at a cheap enough price?" kind of way. Hookups and prospecting for date/partners are two different dynamics.

- matt
"The object is to be a well patient, not a good patient"

Offline Miss Philicia

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  • celebrity poster, faker & poser
Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #16 on: January 27, 2012, 05:34:46 PM »
Online sex hook ups are simply a digital recreation of a bath house/sex club. Those places are ruthless. Not sure why people get so worked up about on line rejection. Half of the guys have no intention of following through, they're jacked up on meth, flake out, etc. No point in taking any of it seriously. You're lucky if you don't become a murder victim.
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline mecch

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  • Posts: 12,166
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #17 on: January 27, 2012, 05:53:23 PM »
What seems to be the best for you?
* Only dating Poz guys
* Telling immediately, upon first meeting and saying it straight up.
* Waiting a couple dates.
* When sex comes up.
* After dating for a while or when they ask
* After talking about BB sex

Meeting online I tell them before meeting in person. It leads me to rejection 49 out of 50 times. It is really starting to become a terrible cycle and I'm starting to give up on the idea of ever dating. Meeting guys on the street, gym, bars, anywhere - I think to myself there's no point, as soon as he finds out I'm poz he'll lose interest.

Would you date a poz guy, if you could go back in time and were negative?
Would you date a poz guy now?

I don't think there is one way for you to deal with this. There are lists of of possible ways and you choose the one that feels right and fits the situation.

ONLY dating poz guys narrows your field. And as you say, you weren't excluding HIV+ partners when you were negative so why exclude negative guys now.

Telling online directly seems to be appropriate only some of the time. If thats the first thing you HAVE to get off your chest when striking up a conversation, it would seem to be often enough a strange starting line.  Maybe if you could put it in your bio... Then you don't have to lead with it...

Options 3-6 seem to be the ones to choose from.

I hope you don't decide to be rigid about one M.O. -- really all the potential partners out there right for you are not operating the same way so you have to adapt.


Also hope you continue to keep the faith that there's someone out there for you!

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Jeff G

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  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #18 on: January 27, 2012, 05:57:32 PM »
I agree with Miss P on the internet dating stuff . I have a profile on one because I never go to bars or have much of a chance to meet other gay guys my age . I have never met any one of any substance on line myself . When guys hear you are not going to hook up until you get to know them better they disappear , which is a good thing if that's all they are about and you are not . I have heard people say they met the love of their life on line bu that's not happened for me . Im happy single so I dont sweat it .

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #19 on: January 27, 2012, 06:07:14 PM »

I don't get it though, when I was negative I never rejected a guy because he was positive. The only thought in my head was since he was poz, he's just gonna need me to take care of him more. (this is not the reason why I'm poz now)...

Would you date a poz guy, if you could go back in time and were negative?
Would you date a poz guy now?

Like you, I dated and loved HIV+ guys when I was negative.

Also you might think a bit about the part I underlined above. Personally I never thought that way about my relations with my HIV+ lovers. I mean, I didn't think they needed me or were going to get sick.  My HIV+ lovers were cooler and emotionally stronger than me.  I was attracted to them because they were bombs, or kind, or whatever.  Cause they were sexy men.  And they weren't looking for caretakers...


“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline denb45

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  • "1987 Classic Old School POZ+"
Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #20 on: January 28, 2012, 10:20:18 AM »
I agree with Miss P on the internet dating stuff . I have a profile on one because I never go to bars

You really need to get out more & turn off the puter, and start meeting people (in-real-time-face to face)
that is what's wrong with our society, and why most lack basic social-skills, it's kinda sad when you think about it, in my day, we didn't have PCs or Smartphones, we did it the old fashion way, that's how I met Bob my current other-half....

Agreed, those hook-up-web-sites aren't really the way to go about finding someone, about 10 to 15 yrs ago, I used to troll them and look at what was available in my local area ( for maybe a nice 3rd Boy or playmate) for me & bob, but what we got were a lot of tweakers, and people you would NOT want to even  invite into your own home, every-time we did (hold on to your wallet) especially if your NOT paying attention  ::)
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #21 on: January 28, 2012, 11:01:47 AM »
I don't have enough information to know if young people are missing out on what old folks had before the internet cruising, meeting, dating, etc. etc.

We "mature" types can get all nostalgic for the way it was, but the fact is now young people have MORE options I think, not less??

I think whats important is to look at each venue as doing one thing well, but not everything well.  And there's always the possibility of breaking the rules of the venue, but one shouldn't expect it to happen. 

I mean you could meet a romantic love of your life, online.

Or you could go out all prepared to shine socially and end up with just a hot fuck with a forgettable guy.

Men are dogs, no matter the venue. Always remember this.

But most guys do crack and get all romantic when they feel that electrical charge. Otherwise there'd be no couples, and there's always a lot of gay couples around, no matter the age bracket, no matter the decade.   

 
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline AdonisSMU

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  • Posts: 71
Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #22 on: January 28, 2012, 11:05:42 AM »
I need some advice, I am absolutely failing at disclosure of my HIV status and wondering how some of you go about it.

What seems to be the best for you?
* Only dating Poz guys
* Telling immediately, upon first meeting and saying it straight up.
* Waiting a couple dates.
* When sex comes up.
* After dating for a while or when they ask
* After talking about BB sex

Normally, I tell people immediately. Meeting online I tell them before meeting in person. It leads me to rejection 49 out of 50 times. It is really starting to become a terrible cycle and I'm starting to give up on the idea of ever dating. Meeting guys on the street, gym, bars, anywhere - I think to myself there's no point, as soon as he finds out I'm poz he'll lose interest.

I don't get it though, when I was negative I never rejected a guy because he was positive. The only thought in my head was since he was poz, he's just gonna need me to take care of him more. (this is not the reason why I'm poz now)...

Would you date a poz guy, if you could go back in time and were negative?
Would you date a poz guy now?
I would've dated a poz guy if he was a top guy when was negative. That was the only thing holding me back from having sex/dating this poz guy I met. Going for the guy I like is so much greater than the risks associated with going for a guy that I really like.

I prefer to go for other poz guys. It makes life so much easier because you don't have to worry about the guy saying they are going to tell everyone about your status or that they are going to say you didn't disclose if things go sour. 

Also I've learned that it's best to tell the guys up front even if they freak out. They didn't want you that much anyway. Better to get that off the table in the first place. There are always guys who don't care if you are pos or not. That's what I've learned recently. It's so much harder to tell a guy later into the dating cycle because then you've become attached to him and are in this awkward and terrible cycle that's very hard to get out of. When he dumps you anyway you'll feel worse than you would if he had dumped you before you had developed strong feelings for him.

Tell the guy up front. Don't wait. The earlier the rejection, the less it matters. Plus, if it looks like you are trying to turn the guy down, he'll pursue you even more.

Guys in NYC hit me up soo much for unprotected sex I mean begging and pleading with me some even just taking it upon themselves to say they'll do one thing and then do another. Tell them up front and make them wear a condom even if they are just gonna rub it on your ass....to protect yourself.
« Last Edit: January 28, 2012, 11:57:59 AM by AdonisSMU »

Offline denb45

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  • "1987 Classic Old School POZ+"
Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #23 on: January 28, 2012, 11:15:22 AM »
I don't have enough information to know if young people are missing out on what old folks had before the internet cruising, meeting, dating, etc. etc.

We "mature" types can get all nostalgic for the way it was, but the fact is now young people have MORE options I think, not less??



For us, it was always a mixed bag, being a sero-discorant, couple, most guys would only want Bob, and only POZ guys would only want me, that caused a few problems, and we kindly show them to door ,

both bob & I are 2 different versions of gay males, and hey ya know, guys can be very picky & choosy about who they want to play with and what they want you to do to them...

like I said, it's a mixed bag out there, and then you have to be safe (if you don't want STDs) those cement butt shots hurt like a mofo  ::)
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline thunter34

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Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #24 on: January 28, 2012, 12:23:04 PM »
Am I the only person who has sex on the first date? Like... always.


No.  But did I really have to tell you that?


As for the OP question, I have to say that my answer, regrettably, was NO...I would not date a poz guy.  I know this first hand because I was absolutely gooey for this guy name Stephen that I met at the Gay Center when I was first coming out.  He was about 22, positively dreamy...but poz.  I was too petrified.

But bear in mind that this was around 1990 - long before cocktails came along - and I was batshit crazy at the time as it was, trying to reconcile my sexual-romantic identity with my staunchly religious upbringing.  I remember being so attracted to the guy that my head was swimming when I was around him - and I know that attraction wasn't one-sided.  I remember him essentially telling me, "we don't have to have sex....we can still do all the other relationship type stuff."  The truth is that I didn't trust my own restraint.  I sometimes wish I could have handled it better, but that was the best I could manage at that point in life.

These days?  I would date a poz guy if I was negative.  I would date a negative guy now...though I honestly prefer another poz guy - and not just for infection reasons.  I wrote a thread about that here a few years back that went into why (if you're interested) here:

http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=20210.msg258626#msg258626

I prefer to have the disclosure stuff out front from the get-go.  It just gets messier and harder (to me) the further in you go.  As for how?  Well...I make myself pretty darn open about it in my day to day.  I'm pozzed out all over the net, I make mention of doctor's appointments and such just casually in conversation when it's warranted.  But heck...failing that, you can always just plunk your meds on the table to have with dinner on your first date.   ;)

Seriously...the less OMG you project about it, the less you'll get back.

AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline Rev. Moon

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  • Smart ass faggot ©
Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #25 on: January 28, 2012, 12:49:35 PM »
Online sex hook ups are simply a digital recreation of a bath house/sex club. Those places are ruthless. Not sure why people get so worked up about on line rejection.



Seriously...the less OMG you project about it, the less you'll get back.

Perfectly said.  The more that you dramatize it, the more rejection that you will encounter.

I dated two pozzums when I was still neg --one of them was my first boyfriend; I was only 17 at the time, circa 1994.  Since I was a safety girl I didn't really make much ado about it.

Then I was in an up-and-down relationship with a neggie for a while after I became poz.  Any issues or drama that we had were never HIV related.

Nowadays I'm open to whatever happens, though I prefer being by myself.  The disclosure part would take place before the first date; that way I don't end up wasting precious time and energy.  Tricks know about my status upfront.

"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

Offline Since2005

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Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #26 on: February 04, 2012, 02:02:03 AM »
If I were negative, I would not have dated any Poz guy (hypothetically speaking not that I like to date)– mostly because I was ignorant and partly cuz I knew nothing about poz people and never met anyone who was poz ( little did that I knew...or so I thought or was told/not told I suppose)

I had sex multiple (with condoms) for an entire 4 day weekend with my last neg-LTR partner before I told him I had teh AIDS. He looked at me and said "so what? we used condoms... what are you worried about?"

And if you want to judge me on that I'll be more than happy to instruct you where to stick it.

Miss P, I never thought I would say this – I think you should hold a title in this forum for being so mysterious and yet you are not even trying! So, here it is (you don't have to answer may be its best the way it is)

I don't know if you are Black, White, Brown, or Yellow (Not that it matters but it is part of human nature to picture about someone when you talk aka chat). So, for a while I thought you are black, then later thought you are white, and may be you actually are half Cuban… who knows not that you are trying to be discrete… I stopped trying to think :)

Your name is Miss P yet YOU stick “it/that” into others?
 
Sometimes, I have a feeling that you are ‘just okay’ with your income level and sometimes it seems like you are super rich hooraying around town in different fancy restaurants!!

No judgments were intended on anything on my side but I am sure you would have no problems to find others and get your instruction guide out to ‘stick it’!
« Last Edit: February 04, 2012, 02:16:36 AM by Since2005 »

Offline Rev. Moon

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Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #27 on: February 04, 2012, 07:45:48 PM »

Miss P, I never thought I would say this – I think you should hold a title in this forum for being so mysterious and yet you are not even trying! So, here it is (you don't have to answer may be its best the way it is)

I don't know if you are Black, White, Brown, or Yellow (Not that it matters but it is part of human nature to picture about someone when you talk aka chat). So, for a while I thought you are black, then later thought you are white, and may be you actually are half Cuban… who knows not that you are trying to be discrete… I stopped trying to think :)

Your name is Miss P yet YOU stick “it/that” into others?
 
Sometimes, I have a feeling that you are ‘just okay’ with your income level and sometimes it seems like you are super rich hooraying around town in different fancy restaurants!!

No judgments were intended on anything on my side but I am sure you would have no problems to find others and get your instruction guide out to ‘stick it’!

LOL... You are actually cute.

"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

Offline LongTimeSurvivor

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Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #28 on: February 04, 2012, 10:32:27 PM »
When you find my other profiles on-line the first thing I put at the top of the profile is "POZ"

Then I hit the return twice and type. The main reason was "when should you bring up your status?" I finally decided that having it on line would at least eliminate the guys who wouldn't date/f*ck for that reason.

If we meet another way, it's not the first thing I mention. But it comes up relatively soon if things continue. And, if perchance, they wanted to do the nasty right away and I was "up" for it...I'd tell them then. Because if things worked out they sure would be pissed to find out later.

Since I have AIDS I obviously was with someone who was HIV+ but not necessarily that I knew they were. Now I primarily hope to meet someone else who is HIV+. I get too stressed out dealing with an HIV- guy and sex. My second partner was HIV- and it affected our relationship because I was so uptight about it...he wasn't. But love/desire doesn't necessarily go the direction you want.

Frankly though, in cruising spots, I don't think about disclosure. When someone walks up to you, then turns around, drops their pants and says "F*ck me" I figure it's not an issue that's on any one's mind who's out there. They just want to get off.

That's about it. Anyway, in the end it's what you feel most comfortable with doing. These are just examples. Hope you figure it out and don't stress over it too much.
Of course it's important. It's an email...

Offline gonzo

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Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #29 on: February 05, 2012, 02:33:11 PM »
To answer the OP's question:

If I could go back in time to where I was HIV-, I would NOT date an HIV+ person out of fear and ignorance.
Now a days I avoid HIV- like the plague, I don't want the added stress of worrying about anything.
Gimme, gimme, gimme an HIV+ man, or 2 or 3...

gonzo
diagnosed in 1990, current Meds: Truvada/Reyataz/Norvir

Offline AdonisSMU

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Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #30 on: February 21, 2012, 02:13:58 AM »
When you find my other profiles on-line the first thing I put at the top of the profile is "POZ"

Then I hit the return twice and type. The main reason was "when should you bring up your status?" I finally decided that having it on line would at least eliminate the guys who wouldn't date/f*ck for that reason.

If we meet another way, it's not the first thing I mention. But it comes up relatively soon if things continue. And, if perchance, they wanted to do the nasty right away and I was "up" for it...I'd tell them then. Because if things worked out they sure would be pissed to find out later.

Since I have AIDS I obviously was with someone who was HIV+ but not necessarily that I knew they were. Now I primarily hope to meet someone else who is HIV+. I get too stressed out dealing with an HIV- guy and sex. My second partner was HIV- and it affected our relationship because I was so uptight about it...he wasn't. But love/desire doesn't necessarily go the direction you want.

Frankly though, in cruising spots, I don't think about disclosure. When someone walks up to you, then turns around, drops their pants and says "F*ck me" I figure it's not an issue that's on any one's mind who's out there. They just want to get off.

That's about it. Anyway, in the end it's what you feel most comfortable with doing. These are just examples. Hope you figure it out and don't stress over it too much.
Ok this is a great idea... I stress over it. Better to weed out the undesirables.

Offline AdonisSMU

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Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #31 on: February 21, 2012, 02:14:58 AM »
To answer the OP's question:

If I could go back in time to where I was HIV-, I would NOT date an HIV+ person out of fear and ignorance.
Now a days I avoid HIV- like the plague, I don't want the added stress of worrying about anything.
Gimme, gimme, gimme an HIV+ man, or 2 or 3...

gonzo
I was always the one who didn't care so long as I liked the guy and we were sexually compatible. Dating is so awkward for me now. NYC guys think that you having HIV is a license for them to fuck you without a condom and they get mad if you don't want to do it with them. I got yelled at and called all kinds of nasty names because I didn't want to go unprotected with him. I'm getting scared to date or have sex with anybody.
« Last Edit: February 21, 2012, 02:34:10 AM by AdonisSMU »

Offline LiveWithIt

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Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #32 on: February 21, 2012, 12:22:18 PM »
If I were negative I would probably not date a poz guy, neither when I was younger or if I was neg at my age now. 

Your best bet is to only seek out poz guys.  Your best bet is poz personals, connected to this site.  I'm on it looking for friends first.  I'm very shy about meeting people in real life so hopefully this helps.  I'm hopefully meeting a guy from there on Thursday.  I also put out a strictly platonic ad looking for a friend on Craigslist and I only got one response, he doesn't want to go out late for a drink, but we may do coffee.   Being poz now I don't even know if I would date a neg guy.

Most cruising spots would be good places to fine Poz guys or Poz friendly guys.  A lot of bottoms bend over waiting for anonymous dick, if they are not Poz, they are on their way. 

I have a friend who is pos who kind of fell for a one night stand.  Stupidly the one night stand was upset to learn afterwards that my friend was poz. 

Another good place to find guys would be on  a gay poz cruise, but it doesn't mean you will find someone that lives in your area.  If you can find a poz social group that meets it would be a good place to find someone new.
« Last Edit: February 21, 2012, 12:34:37 PM by LiveWithIt »
Pray God you can cope
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.

Offline LiveWithIt

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Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #33 on: February 21, 2012, 12:25:24 PM »
Am I the only person who has sex on the first date? Like... always.

I usually have it before the first date.   ;D
Pray God you can cope
I know you have a little life in you yet.
I know you have a lot of strength left.

Offline AdonisSMU

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Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #34 on: February 21, 2012, 01:50:31 PM »
If I were negative I would probably not date a poz guy, neither when I was younger or if I was neg at my age now. 

Your best bet is to only seek out poz guys.  Your best bet is poz personals, connected to this site.  I'm on it looking for friends first.  I'm very shy about meeting people in real life so hopefully this helps.  I'm hopefully meeting a guy from there on Thursday.  I also put out a strictly platonic ad looking for a friend on Craigslist and I only got one response, he doesn't want to go out late for a drink, but we may do coffee.   Being poz now I don't even know if I would date a neg guy.

Most cruising spots would be good places to fine Poz guys or Poz friendly guys.  A lot of bottoms bend over waiting for anonymous dick, if they are not Poz, they are on their way. 

I have a friend who is pos who kind of fell for a one night stand.  Stupidly the one night stand was upset to learn afterwards that my friend was poz. 

Another good place to find guys would be on  a gay poz cruise, but it doesn't mean you will find someone that lives in your area.  If you can find a poz social group that meets it would be a good place to find someone new.
I have trouble walking up to people in the gay HIV gathering at the Ritz in NYC. I get shy and don't know what to say or how to strike up a conversation out of nothing. I get nervous worrying about what someone is thinking etc... I usually am not as nervous around certain friends.

Offline LongTimeSurvivor

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Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #35 on: February 21, 2012, 09:16:19 PM »
AdonisSMU -- Ways to meet people at meetings etc. Two of my favorites:

1. When you walk up to the person you want to talk with...STOMP their foot...they'll ask why you did that. Conversation started.

2. If the room is dark enough, wait till the person you want to meet walks by, then trip them. As they lay sprawled on the carpet you can kneel down and ask "Are you okay?". Conversation started.

See...it's not so hard.
Of course it's important. It's an email...

Offline Hellraiser

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Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #36 on: February 22, 2012, 12:06:04 AM »
3) Knock out and kidnap your prospective date and when they come to, you can bargain with their life for a date.

Too much?

Offline Solo_LTSurvivor

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Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #37 on: February 22, 2012, 01:15:30 AM »
3) Knock out and kidnap your prospective date and when they come to, you can bargain with their life for a date.

Too much?

Honey, that's so 29 seconds ago  :o
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____________________________

Seroconverted: Early 80s
Tested & confirmed what I already knew: early 90s

Current regimen: Atripla. 
Last regimen:  Epzicom, Sustiva (since its inception with NO adverse side effects: no vivid dreams and NONE of the problems people who can't tolerate this drug may experience: color me lucky ::))
Past regimens
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Offline AdonisSMU

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Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #38 on: February 22, 2012, 09:47:50 AM »
AdonisSMU -- Ways to meet people at meetings etc. Two of my favorites:

1. When you walk up to the person you want to talk with...STOMP their foot...they'll ask why you did that. Conversation started.

2. If the room is dark enough, wait till the person you want to meet walks by, then trip them. As they lay sprawled on the carpet you can kneel down and ask "Are you okay?". Conversation started.

See...it's not so hard.
LMAO! I know intellectually it's not but sometimes in practice I chicken out. It's much easier for me to walk up to straight people and strike up a conversation. I'm always nervous I'm being judged when I'm around the gheys!
« Last Edit: February 22, 2012, 09:55:44 AM by AdonisSMU »

Offline denb45

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Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #39 on: February 22, 2012, 11:21:01 AM »
3) Knock out and kidnap your prospective date and when they come to, you can bargain with their life for a date.

Too much?

I already tried this before when I was in my 30's, but the problem with that is I couldn't get rid of him for the life of me, he kept coming back for more, until I moved to another City, then I never heard from him again  ::)
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline denb45

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Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #40 on: February 22, 2012, 12:34:40 PM »
LMAO! I know intellectually it's not but sometimes in practice I chicken out. It's much easier for me to walk up to straight people and strike up a conversation. I'm always nervous I'm being judged when I'm around the gheys!

@ AdonisSMU  just be yourself, most guys will like you for this, or they won't, it's hit or miss, if you worry too much about being judged, and what others think of you, you'll never be a very happy  ;)
"it's so nice to be insane, cause no-one ask you to explain" Helen Reddy cc 1974

Offline ATLpozbrother

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Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #41 on: March 03, 2012, 03:12:38 PM »
Online dating is SURREAL....why would you reveal your status online?  It's also ok to go on a date and not reveal your status, it's only a date and sex does not have to take place.  Your status is something that is very private, and not everyone is ready to hear this provocative statement, it can back-fire on you.  You should reveal your status once you are ready within yourself to reveal such a personal and emotional statement with the person you have bonded with.  Most online chats are just that...an online chat and will not result in a positive outcome, just chatter.  Every blue moon, that one online person may come along, you agree to meet, exchange greetings and realize...I LIKE HIM and HE LIKES ME!  At this moment after dating and before sex, you prepare to tell this person.  Your young, have fun, and dont focus so much on your status, and never search for him, he will come to you as you get out more socially.  Please limit your online time...it can become addictive and non-productive.
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Offline TheRoof

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Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #42 on: March 07, 2012, 06:57:06 PM »
While I believe in disclosure. I personally would only date and HIV + person.

For two reasons.

1. Is ego, I don't want to be "the sick one" in the relationship. Even if it's equal. Someway I will always feel inferior. It stems from insecurity, but to be honest it would be nice to have a partner who faces similar challenges in life.

2. Two people, who are undetectable... I am not going to lie... It's nice to have sex without condoms. If two people are on meds and condoms are not used. Yes there is a chance for co-infection. But honestly... at that point it's not an issue.

But I am a top... so to me not wearing a condom gives me a lot more pleasure than if I was a bottom. (But I only prefer to top)

Offline cd4lover

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Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #43 on: March 07, 2012, 07:28:28 PM »
Since i live in Italy it's impossible for me to give a realistic answer to some of the questions 47DegreesNorth posted above.

One thing is sure...BB sex for me will be a taboo for a long time.
Especially if i consider that i have HIV-1 subgroup O, and that even if i'm UD, there's always a remote risk of superinfection.

OT: Anyway...i'd date 47DegreesNorth with much pleasure  ;D

2nd OT: Don't ask from where i took gruop O  ::)
Last update: 20th February 2012

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #44 on: March 08, 2012, 01:58:39 AM »
Since i live in Italy it's impossible for me to give a realistic answer to some of the questions 47DegreesNorth posted above.

One thing is sure...BB sex for me will be a taboo for a long time.
Especially if i consider that i have HIV-1 subgroup O, and that even if i'm UD, there's always a remote risk of superinfection.

OT: Anyway...i'd date 47DegreesNorth with much pleasure  ;D

2nd OT: Don't ask from where i took gruop O  ::)


Superinfection? That's still a thing?
"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline Ann

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Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #45 on: March 08, 2012, 08:10:21 AM »

Superinfection? That's still a thing?


It would seem to mainly still be "a thing" for people who have doctors (or other health care providers) who don't like the idea of pozzies having a sex life and seem to delight in discouraging us from having one. Even with other pozzies. That's my take on it anyway from comments I've seen posted here as well as conversations with (some) doctors IRL.

My poz partner and I never use condoms and the least of our worries is superinfection (less confusingly also known as reinfection). We're not both on meds either - he is, I'm not.
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Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline cd4lover

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Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #46 on: March 08, 2012, 08:29:18 AM »
Ann, i guess you both have subtype B.

The ID team which is following me said that, superinfection has never been reported in UD partners...but considering that my virus is a bit different from the strains which come from Group M, i should avoid BB just to be safe.

It's more a psychological limit that i currently have, than real science :).
Last update: 20th February 2012

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #47 on: March 08, 2012, 09:01:27 AM »
Ann, i guess you both have subtype B.

The ID team which is following me said that, superinfection has never been reported in UD partners...but considering that my virus is a bit different from the strains which come from Group M, i should avoid BB just to be safe.

It's more a psychological limit that i currently have, than real science :).

Which is understandable. So long as you know that it is a psychological thing. There have been multiple threads in this forum regarding re/superinfection. The science has shown maybe a dozen confirmed cases in the history of the pandemic. It is unlikely to the point of being a boogeyman, regardless of your HIV subtype.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline cd4lover

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Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #48 on: March 08, 2012, 11:16:44 AM »
Oh sure...as i said...it's psychological...not scientifical.
But i repeat what the doctors told me...superinfection has never been reported in UD partners, and as of today...we have less than 15 cases worldwide...and on all these 15 cases, we cannot be sure we're really facing a reinfection, or an already present super-minor, very low activity variant which was already present at the time of the original infection.
Last update: 20th February 2012

Offline TexasPOZ

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Re: DATING gay male -
« Reply #49 on: March 12, 2012, 07:04:27 AM »
Before I was negative I dated guys who were positive. It wasn't a problem with me. I just had safe sex with them. But to be honest, I am also having a lot of problems with dating and disclosure. I have avoided dealing with the issue by not dating. I have not been on a date in the four years since I tested positive. I've had sex, but I didn't tell any of my sex partners I was positive. None of them asked. I don't feel like dating anyone, and I'm sure it has to do with the whole HIV issue. Thanks for posting this. Maybe I'll learn something.

 


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