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Author Topic: I just told my boyfriend that i'm positive and he is disgusted by me.  (Read 9180 times)

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Offline ms.wannano

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I have been with this guy for 10 months and i am HIV positive, and has been for 3 years. I always came close to telling him but i was afraid of losing him.  He has since been tested and it was negative but he has to be tested again.  I love him so much and prior to me telling him this, he made several plans for us.  We were going to have a wonderful Christmas together;and he was planning to take me on vacations with him.  He always stated that he would not be involved with a woman who has the "virus" which made it even harder for me to tell, but at the same time, it was eating me up inside by deceiving him. I can't sleep at nights cause i miss him so much but, I am relieved that he knows.  I can't stop crying and my heart is heavy.  He would always tell me how pretty and sexy i was and that he was glad i was in his life.  Why don't they hurry up and find a cure for this monstrous thing that's ruining my relationship?

Offline MzLady

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Re: I just told my boyfriend that i'm positive and he is disgusted by me.
« Reply #1 on: December 18, 2011, 08:20:33 PM »
Awe sweetie it will be okay and you will find someone who accepts you just the way you are. I know it hurts because I have been through this too, I almost lost my husband because of it. But he realized how much we meant to each other and we pulled through. If he truely loved you he would have been more understanding. Sometimes people need time to adjust to being told something this serious, but if he is determined about not pursuing the relationship then he is losing out on something good. Wishing you the best. :)

Offline BT65

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Re: I just told my boyfriend that i'm positive and he is disgusted by me.
« Reply #2 on: December 19, 2011, 03:57:32 AM »
Wannano, welcome to the forums, particularly our ladie's family.  I'm so sorry you're going through this.  Has he talked to you about this other than saying he's disgusted? 

I know it seems hopeless right now, but you will get through it.  And you'll fine someone who likes you for you and will be able to handle the HIV part.  I can tell you, I've been diagnosed for 20+ years and there are going to be men who will be willing to get involved with you, virus or no virus.  Just hang in there, and come here and let us know how you're doing! :-*
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline Ann

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Re: I just told my boyfriend that i'm positive and he is disgusted by me.
« Reply #3 on: December 19, 2011, 07:42:24 AM »
Hi Ms Wannano, welcome to the forums.

I'm sorry you're going through this. As others have said, not all men will be like this.

It might be that he is more shocked and disgusted that you kept this from him for so long, more so than you having the virus. When all is said and done, it is a breach of trust. Please know that we do understand why this happened and how difficult it can be to tell someone. We also realise that the longer it's left unsaid, the more difficult it is to say it. It's horrible hole to dig and it's a horrible hole to find yourself in.

One thing that has to be asked - were you two using condoms? There's a big difference between non-disclosure while protecting the other person and non-disclosure while not protecting the other person. If you weren't using condoms, hopefully he will continue to test negative. If you were using condoms, he will continue to test negative.

If this is a difference that cannot be reconciled, maybe that's for the best. If he can't wrap his head around how difficult hiv disclosure can be, then there's probably a lot of other ways in which he lacks empathy and compassion. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

Whatever happens, please learn from this. It's always better to disclose in a relationship before things get too intimate. Otherwise, you're taking away the other person's right to choose what level of risk they are prepared to take.

Good luck hun. Let us know how it all turns out. You never know, he may yet come around.

Hugs,
Ann
xxx
« Last Edit: December 19, 2011, 12:52:37 PM by Ann »
Condoms are a girl's best friend

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline ms.wannano

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Re: I just told my boyfriend that i'm positive and he is disgusted by me.
« Reply #4 on: December 19, 2011, 12:15:49 PM »
I received 3 positive responses from 3 beautiful people; and you don't really know how much i needed to hear those responses.  I actually was ready to give up on life.  I am graduating from college in 2012, and the way i was feeling, i didn't even care to attend the ceremony because he told me he would be there to see me walk across the stage, but now he won't attend.  To answer the question about had we always used condoms, well, several times, the condom did break and there were times when he would take it off and i would notice it and stop our love making session, but it may have been to late.  I just pray that he hasn't contracted the virus and that i can move forward.  I want to thank each and everyone of you for giving me insight and hope once again!!  I would love to hear more from you.

Offline Ann

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Re: I just told my boyfriend that i'm positive and he is disgusted by me.
« Reply #5 on: December 20, 2011, 07:13:26 AM »
Hi again Ms.

Provided the test he took was three months after the last time he removed the condom or the condom broke, he is conclusively hiv negative. If it was at least six weeks or more since the last time, his result is highly unlikely to change when he confirms at three months.

The vast majority of people who have actually been infected will seroconvert and test positive by six weeks, with the average time to seroconversion being only 22 days. A six week negative is highly unlikely to change, but must be confirmed at the three month point.

He's unlikely to have been infected through the brief incidents you mention. Hiv is a fragile, difficult to transmit virus and more so from a woman to a man. You don't mention whether or not you're on meds, but if you are and your VL is undetectable, his chance of being infected is practically nil. I'm very optimistic that he will continue to test negative - and you should be too.

In fact, poz/neg couples are having children conceived the natural way when the woman is poz and has an undetectable viral load. If and when you decide to start a family, let your doctor know so s/he can make sure you're on a baby-friendly combo.

I know first hand how difficult hiv can be to transmit from a woman to a man. At the time when I was diagnosed, I'd been with an hiv negative man for a year and a half. During that pre-diagnosis time we never used condoms and obviously, I wasn't on meds so I had a detectable VL. He tested conclusively negative.

We stayed together for a total of just over eight years and he remained hiv negative. The only thing we did to protect his hiv status after my diagnosis was to use condoms for intercourse. I'm still not on meds so I had a detectable VL for the entire time we were together. BTW, the reason we split up had nothing to do with hiv.

These days I'm with a man who is also hiv positive. So you see, you can (and will) have a love life, despite hiv.



Your life is by no means over. Take our Betty (BT65) for example. She's been poz for many years and has been through hell and back, particularly in connection with having to take the meds back when they were much more difficult to tolerate due to side-effects. She's in her 40s and has recently gone back to school, obtained a degree (with honours!) and now has a full-time job in her field of study. She's truly an inspiration to many of us. (love you Betty!)

When you graduate, I want you to go to that ceremony and know that we here will all be with you in spirit. Make us proud! I know you can and I know you will. Make sure you let us know the date of your ceremony so we can all be thinking of you on the day.

Don't give up! You will find love one day - love can overcome anything, including hiv. It's just a virus after all - and for someone infected and diagnosed in the 21st century, it's a manageable virus. We've had quite a few women here over the years who have met, fallen in love with and married hiv negative men. (And some have had hiv negative babies as well!) It is not impossible! Don't forget there are poz men out there as well who are looking for love.

Hang in there and don't give up on your dreams because of a stupid virus. Grab a hold of life with both hands and don't let go!

Hugs,
Ann
xxx
« Last Edit: December 20, 2011, 07:23:59 AM by Ann »
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline ms.wannano

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Re: I just told my boyfriend that i'm positive and he is disgusted by me.
« Reply #6 on: December 20, 2011, 07:39:55 AM »
Hi Ann; Well I must let you know, to my surprise, he came back to me last night.  His sister lives on my block and she knows my status because she is also HIV poz.  I met her in a program for women living with hiv, and that's how I met her brother.  She carried around a since of guilt because she blames herself introducing us, which after 10 months of dating him, she felt like i should tell him.  She didn't want to tell him because she didn't want to disclose her status.  Well, the result of that put a strain on our friendship up until now.  She knows that i've told him but he still doesn't know about her status. Well, last night, he visited his sister and her boyfriend who is also positive, and they obviously educated him on our condition which he told me later.  Although he kept saying, "my sister and her boyfriend is very knowledgable about hiv, he still hadn't a clue.  The bad news is that he lied about getting tested; his reason is that he thought i was just trying to find out how much he cared about me.  He says that they gave him an appointment in 2 wks to be tested-that sounds ridiculous!  I will try to convince him to go where i went to be tested-i think he's afraid.  Yes Ann, i am on meds and my cd4 is 956 and VL undetectable.  I feel like i can exhale again, but it's not over yet, and i will keep you informed.

Offline Ann

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    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: I just told my boyfriend that i'm positive and he is disgusted by me.
« Reply #7 on: December 20, 2011, 02:04:53 PM »
With your VL being undetectable, he's highly unlikely to test poz. Seriously. (But he does need to test to make sure.)

You might also be able to find another clinic (some test for free) by entering your zip code into POZ.com's Health Services Directory.

I'm glad you have a poz friend or two who you can share with - and it is rather ironic that your friend happens to be your boyfriend's sister and that he hasn't a clue. (men! Sometimes it's like they can't see their own hand in front of their face if they don't want to.)

I hope things go well for you and your boyfriend, regardless of what his test results are - and I do fully expect him to test negative.

Hang in there! Keep us posted.

Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline BT65

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Re: I just told my boyfriend that i'm positive and he is disgusted by me.
« Reply #8 on: December 22, 2011, 04:12:47 AM »
Thanks, Ann, for the props (love you too). 

Wannano, graduating from college is huge.  You need to walk down that aisle to get your diploma!  It's a venture and it sounds like you're getting close to the finish line.  Just keep going.

I hope things work out with this man if that's what you want.  But no matter, you're going to be fine.  We're here for you, and if you check out an Aids Service Organization, if there is one in your area, you'll find additional support.  Good luck!
I've never killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction reading the obituary notices.-Clarence Darrow

Offline 27years

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Re: I just told my boyfriend that i'm positive and he is disgusted by me.
« Reply #9 on: December 25, 2011, 11:38:34 AM »
If he was meant to be yours he will get over it and come around again.  Relationships are difficult wether positive or negative, however do not hang around someone who doesnt appreciate you the way you are its a waste of space and time.  there are people out there who can take you as you are and you can live happily ever after.  I have been with both negative and positive partners and each relationship comes with its complex and complicated issues not even to do with HIV.  My baby father is from poz personal and is positive there i was thinking i have found mr right but down the line things just didnt work out and am on the hunt again.  Go for your graduation, stand tall and  be proud of what you have achieved.  Hope all works well for you 
Nobody dies a virgin life screws us all up

 


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