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Author Topic: the closure  (Read 364 times)

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Offline hazemm

  • Member
  • Posts: 3
the closure
« on: December 01, 2011, 03:44:57 PM »
The closure story

This is just a little story I wanted to share…definitely not one to read for kids at bedtime; rather a painful one related drama. This story is about something that did hit me three years back while I was at the peak of my career ………..
Life was going on just fine, I would even dare to say it was going on great ….at least career wise as I was harvesting the fruits of hard work by getting a senior position in a big financial company, had big dreams of a brighter future….at least then; well hold it hold it up to further notice!! ….something got in the way!!!! I got diagnosed with HIV while doing a routine blood test and all fell apart…..destroyed by the laws and rules of some stupid conservative society …nobody knew ….how lucky I was, guess luck had become kind of relative with new meanings and reshaped ramifications!!!
The real classical boring story(well to some people at least!!) starts from this moment on ….just wanted to share the phases of a process that took 3.2 years to fold, perhaps some other people would find it rather interesting and could be rather different from the classical HIV blabla testimonies…..wanted to share this before December 1st (you all know what’s on that day, right fellas?)
The first phase starts by a complete devastation (oh so classical, isn’t it??) …all felt apart, all was destroyed and you return to your country empty handed with thin excuses and a rather empty pocket with dark ideas and a lot of despair ! You are drowning and need to stay afloat, yet you don’t know what to do, whom to tell, you suffocate, sleepless nights and jobless after being offered a managerial position….normal, normal ….just normal! No need to mention how you will explain your comeback after all of that “oh I miss lebanon” how sweet! :) You can only kiss yourself for that!
Then the second phase comes in….a light at the end of the dark shitty whole you drowned in: need to find people like you …yes sure! How come you never had this idea? Brilliant, just brilliant! After you find them and relate our lamentable stories, you say:” guys we need to fight for our rights yes! Fight, fight, fight!”so you get in touch with civil society organizations and related international partners and start your advocacy and lobbying work ….obviously there is a lot of unfairness and you need to fight for a better world ….you start attending conference, doing advocacy work, suggesting action plans …after all you’re an educated and well experienced guy! Slowly you start to see that things aren’t moving the way you want to ….things are clinging to the blablabla stage unfortunately(we want to do, we want to achieve, but never How and When!!!!!)….no, no you want to change that …you will never accept the current status quo so you start offering suggestions and ways to help, along the way you are supported by a lot of people and colleagues who will try to ease it up on you….after a while you get tired….baby you’re talking to a wall or maybe rather to yourself to state it in a more polite way! International agencies claim they’re helping but all you can see is fancy workshops in fancy hotels with people flying from one continent to another to “enjoy their time” and tons of blablabla and related literature leading nowhere!! They might be doing outstanding work but weird enough why can’t you see/feel anything has moved ??
Here comes the third stage, you rage, off course you do, seeing people having fun from your misery to say the least and on top of that there are no funds available whenever you want to do anything …you start getting mad and upset ….discuss the possible outcomes with your fellows ….never to reach anywhere beyond that ….after all you’re just few helpless individuals facing sumo organizations who need to polish their image and have their own set agenda which might not accommodate your needs! Needless to state that you’re still jobless due to the lack of work opportunities in Lebanon and you’re stuck obviously since you cannot go anywhere and asylum in a foreign country isn’t a proper option!
Since you want to go out of the “sandy” situation and your rage is obviously leading nowhere ….except hurting yourself and inflicting self-pain you start self-defense ….by drifting away from all of this accompanied by a feeling of disgust while trying desperately to find a rather acceptable job that will take you away from all of this shit! Fourth stage obviously pure refined class one disgust!
The last stage, you get a rather acceptable job given all of the above, you don’t like it but it’s ok as long as it gets you away from all these phonies …you slowly and surely drift away to a more reassuring, decent and safe shore ….you will never look back, you’re done with the deceit, you’ve done things you will never have done if only you weren’t HIV+…but you cannot keep on saying I have HIV, I have HIV, therefore I am different…well off course you’re different you stupid fool but just live with it!!, just reprioritize your options and keep the genuine friends and colleagues you met on the way and start living !

The closure happened, halleluiah!

November 20th , 2011

This article was written on the occasion of the world AIDS day 2011, need to thank all my fellow colleagues with me at SIDC and Vivre positif for their endless support and love….thank you again, I love you people !

Hazem M.   



i would

 


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