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Author Topic: Who to blame?  (Read 5970 times)

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Offline JamesFromSI

  • Member
  • Posts: 15
Who to blame?
« on: November 01, 2011, 04:21:55 PM »
I was first given the preliminary news that I am positive last Tuesday and was confirmed Yesterday.  I called my bf last Tuesday and he rushed over to the clinic and came up positive as well.

I have only been with my bf since February and against my better judgement had unprotected sex with him about 5 months into the relationship twice (me top)...  I was tested neg in Oct and Dec 2010 and he was tested neg in Jan 2011.

I have been going through this cycle of depression, anger, confusion and guilt... not necessarily in that order.

See I just can't understand how this happened... I am a case of doing things "right"... don't do drugs... not promiscuous... always used protection (yes i know almost) and yet this happened.

I feel a strong feeling of guilt sometimes that I could have had it and did not get tested prior to unprotected sex and then gave it to my bf... I am a do no harm type of person and it kills me to think that I could have passed this to someone else.   Then someone puts in my head he could be just as likely to have passed it to me.

I guess it's because I work in the technology field that I struggle with making sense and finding the logic in all of this when I have to somehow manage to just let it go.

Sorry for the rambling... Just so much to digest and I know I am not the only one to feel these things.

Thanks
-James   :(
Infected early 2011; Tested positive 10/25/11; Confirmed 10/31/11 (Halloween)
10/26/11: VL101,900
11/8/11: VL79,000  Cd4 822
11/20/11: Started Atripla
11/29/11: Atripla Rash... Benadryl
12/4/11: Rash Gone :-)
12/28/11: VL 143
2/9/2012: Cd4 908 VL 34!!! (Just changed undetectable to below 20 :-| )

Offline zach

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,905
Re: Who to blame?
« Reply #1 on: November 01, 2011, 04:52:56 PM »
in my current mood, i may not be the best one to respond, but i'm gonna anyway

the whole cycle of conflicted emotions is normal, good times will come around again, sure as the sunrise

i don't think it matters where you got it, someone didn't "do" this to you

but if you really need to blame someone, you have to blame yourself, then you work on forgiving yourself

Online leatherman

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,327
  • Google and HIV meds are Your Friends
Re: Who to blame?
« Reply #2 on: November 01, 2011, 04:54:17 PM »
sorry to hear that you've tested positive; but glad that you found this place. There's a lot of good information about HIV, the tests, and the meds in the LESSONS section; and there are a lot of good people that will answer questions and help you out as much as they can. Now that you are HIV positive, you'll need to learn about this virus and the best ways to keep your health the best.

As to the blame:
first off, if you feel that you just have to assign blame to someone for you now having this disease, then you'll just have to blame no one but yourself. Although you qualified your statement ;), you just can't say that you "always used protection". It sounds like this might not have been the first time either when you say you might have had it and didn't get tested prior to having the unprotected sex with your BF. Of course, being in a monogamous relationship isn't the end-all-be-all either, because if either party strays and has unprotected sex, then that risk is there in your relationship. Knowing when one can go without protection in a committed relationship is actually quite a difficult decision and is often taken too lightly.

But all that is really in the past now. Now, as with any other action in your life from getting up in the morning to buying a car to eating a hamburger, you're going to have to deal with the consequences. The sooner you can come to grips that there's no going back and no payoff in beating yourself (or others) up about this diagnosis, the sooner you'll be able to become proactive in your health care and go on living your life.

Sadly, your BF didn't follow the safe sex guidelines either and he's to blame for his own diagnosis.

There's no way for me to tell how he will deal with this situation, or even how you will deal with it; but I hope and wish for the both of y'all that you can deal with this together, so that each of you has someone to support to the other one. Anytime you need to vent, or ask questions, this site is a great resource. As I said at the beginning, I'm sorry that you got diagnosed as HIV +; but I'm glad you found this site cause there's plenty of information and people that can help and support you.
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline JamesFromSI

  • Member
  • Posts: 15
Re: Who to blame?
« Reply #3 on: November 01, 2011, 05:12:23 PM »
Thanks... I appreciate it and do blame myself first... and honestly... never had unprotected sex outside the current relationship with my bf... and although ppl say that the risks are vanishingly small for oral sex and protected sex they do not say the risk is 0.

I am very thankful for my bf since through crying eyes I told him how I felt about the possibility of making him sick and he begged me not to "go to that place"... that we will treat this as a "major inconvenience" and move on with our lives.
Infected early 2011; Tested positive 10/25/11; Confirmed 10/31/11 (Halloween)
10/26/11: VL101,900
11/8/11: VL79,000  Cd4 822
11/20/11: Started Atripla
11/29/11: Atripla Rash... Benadryl
12/4/11: Rash Gone :-)
12/28/11: VL 143
2/9/2012: Cd4 908 VL 34!!! (Just changed undetectable to below 20 :-| )

Offline buginme2

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,291
Re: Who to blame?
« Reply #4 on: November 01, 2011, 05:26:34 PM »
Blame is for courtrooms.  You havent done anything yourself that 99% percent of the population hasn't done.  You just got struck by the metaphorical lightening while doing it.  Feel sorry for yourself for awhile but remember, blaming yourself or someone else only ends badly.  Set a time limit.  When the time is up, stop the blaming and get on with your life.  See a therapist thats familiar with HIV issues (it really does help). 

Sorry your positive.  It gets better.
Don't be fancy, just get dancey

Offline rocky48

  • Member
  • Posts: 37
Re: Who to blame?
« Reply #5 on: November 01, 2011, 05:45:06 PM »
JamesFromSI

Sound as if your bf is going to stick around and the two of you will work things out.  The blame game will pass so hang in there.  Be glad you will have each other.  Hope everything gets easier for you.

John
Started Atripla on 4/23/11
5/27/11   CD4 - 572 VL - 130
9/30/11   CD4 - 566 VL - UD
3/23/12   CD4 - 640 VL - UD
9/21/12   CD4 - 699 VL - UD

Offline jacken

  • Member
  • Posts: 72
Re: Who to blame?
« Reply #6 on: November 02, 2011, 01:16:47 AM »
Sorry to hear about your diagnosis. What has happened had happened. We may be inclined to blame but it does not move things forward. The most important thing now is to take care of yourself and your bf.

I was diagnosed this May. To this date, I still can't figure out how it had happened. It doesn't matter then and now because I am hiv positive. I can't undo the past but I can control what lies ahead.

Best to you too.

Offline JamesFromSI

  • Member
  • Posts: 15
Re: Who to blame?
« Reply #7 on: November 02, 2011, 11:01:16 AM »
bug/rocky/jack,

I am usually such a level headed person and this has just knocked me for a loop.  Logically I know that there is really no absolute way t o know how this has happened.... it just has.

I am trying to get into a support group at http://www.callen-lorde.org here in NYC but not sure how that is going to work out.

I have an appointment at 3pm today at the Center for comprehensive care ( http://www.centerforcare.org ) and I am sure that will provide me with alot more to digest.

I really appreciate the ability to express myself here.

Thanks!
-James
Infected early 2011; Tested positive 10/25/11; Confirmed 10/31/11 (Halloween)
10/26/11: VL101,900
11/8/11: VL79,000  Cd4 822
11/20/11: Started Atripla
11/29/11: Atripla Rash... Benadryl
12/4/11: Rash Gone :-)
12/28/11: VL 143
2/9/2012: Cd4 908 VL 34!!! (Just changed undetectable to below 20 :-| )

Offline jacken

  • Member
  • Posts: 72
Re: Who to blame?
« Reply #8 on: November 02, 2011, 12:11:30 PM »
I think you are doing the right things by reaching out to healthcare resources and by expressing your feelings here. Give yourself some time and you will come to terms.

As you probably have read in the forum, medical treatments have been effective to control the virus. Even though I have this virus in me and am not on meds yet, I don't feel anything physically different so far.

When I first was told about my infection from my doctor, I asked him for advice. His only reply was "don't infect other people." It has been stuck in my head.

I don't know exactly how I got the virus but I do know I can stop passing the virus. I have no one to blame and I don't want to be the blame either.

Good luck and I hope you feel better.

Offline scottieman

  • Member
  • Posts: 58
Re: Who to blame?
« Reply #9 on: November 02, 2011, 03:55:48 PM »
James,

 I guess we are kindred spirits, I tested POZ last Tuesday as well.  I had tested neg at the end of August, and went to my yearly physical appointment with no trepidation....well that quickly changed.  I too am running through a whole gamut of emotions, and at the end of the day I get much hope and clarity from the men and women posting on these forums that have already gone through exactly what I am right now.  I still have lots of unanswered questions, but am arming myself with information and understanding more and more as the days progress.

I too have Aetna....it's a challenge so far to say the least, but I am confident that solutions are there for me and that all will work out for me as long as I stay confident and strong.  We will beat this thing, you and I.  Life will go on for us to live, and we will live it with gusto. 

Take Care! and HUGS from Atlanta
Scott
August 19, 2011 Negative Oral Swap
August 30-September 4, 2011 (Thought Strep throat really sero-conversion)
October 5th, HIV Diagnosis
October 22 labs, CD4 619, VL 21,000 21%
November 13th, Started Complera
January 9th, Labs CD4 631, VL-UD 28%
March 28th Labs CD4 610, VL-UD 31%
July 2nd CD4 792, 34% VL-75
August 7th, 2012 CD4 899, 35% VL-97
September 17th, 2012 CD4 989, 33% VL-27
November 8, 2012  CD4 850, VL-UD, 39%
December 6, 2012 CD4 849, VL-UD, 39%
April 2, 2013 CD4 904, VL-UD, 33%
July 17, 2013 CD4 988, VL UD, 38.2%

Online mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 12,166
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Who to blame?
« Reply #10 on: November 02, 2011, 05:41:37 PM »
....and against my better judgement had unprotected sex with him...

See I just can't understand how this happened... I am a case of doing things "right"... don't do drugs... not promiscuous... always used protection (yes i know almost) and yet this happened.


Sorry for your diagnosis.

What leatherman said. Read it again and again.

Join the club.  Eventually you will understand that these sentences above, considered in new contexts, include stereotypes and delusions.   You can't assume you did anything different, or the same for that matter, as anyone else who is HIV+...   
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline WillyWump

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,277
Re: Who to blame?
« Reply #11 on: November 02, 2011, 06:47:51 PM »
Alot of great advice  ^ here James.

Just want to reiterate that the feelings you are going through are understandable. It will get 100% better with time. promise.

Welcome to you (and ScottieMan).

-Will
POZ since '08

Last Labs-
11-6-14 CD4- 871, UD
6/3/14 CD4- 736, UD 34%
6/25/13 CD4- 1036, UD,
2/4/13, CD4 - 489, UD, 28%

Current Meds: Prezista/Epzicom/ Norvir
.

Offline scottieman

  • Member
  • Posts: 58
Re: Who to blame?
« Reply #12 on: November 02, 2011, 07:07:48 PM »
Thanks Willie!
August 19, 2011 Negative Oral Swap
August 30-September 4, 2011 (Thought Strep throat really sero-conversion)
October 5th, HIV Diagnosis
October 22 labs, CD4 619, VL 21,000 21%
November 13th, Started Complera
January 9th, Labs CD4 631, VL-UD 28%
March 28th Labs CD4 610, VL-UD 31%
July 2nd CD4 792, 34% VL-75
August 7th, 2012 CD4 899, 35% VL-97
September 17th, 2012 CD4 989, 33% VL-27
November 8, 2012  CD4 850, VL-UD, 39%
December 6, 2012 CD4 849, VL-UD, 39%
April 2, 2013 CD4 904, VL-UD, 33%
July 17, 2013 CD4 988, VL UD, 38.2%

Offline dudeitsmedweeb

  • Member
  • Posts: 11
Re: Who to blame?
« Reply #13 on: November 03, 2011, 10:49:03 AM »
Hi there, first and foremost I just want to let you know that my heart goes out ot you, I know exactly what your going thorough and you're def. NOT alone ..

Believe it or not as I was reading your post I felt like someone was telling my story and I almost began to cry.

I tested poz on Oct 5th, my primary care doctor refered me to and ID doctor which he then did the 2nd set of blood test.. in between I told my partner and there was a lot of crying due to fear, unjust, and mainly sadness. I have also been the top in our relationship but prior to that I was mainly a btm and I probably cought it the one time I did not use protection. sigh..

I feel horrible because he is now scared he may have it and I am probably to blame, I feel so guilty I cry at night, I cry now, we're still together, we say we are gonna make it through and survive, however there is an inner voice that tells me its already over..

This is my first love, I have been single for almost 6 years, dated here and there to the point I almost stopped beliving in love  My partner and I have been together since July , I truly do belive I have found love, but its all soon to be gone due to fate?

I'm sorry, this is your story, not mine, I just wish you the best , its def. a struggle in SOOO many ways than I could have ever imagine people felt..
feel free to contact me if you'd like

hugs!

Offline JamesFromSI

  • Member
  • Posts: 15
Re: Who to blame?
« Reply #14 on: November 09, 2011, 10:35:17 PM »
Scott... Man do I hear you... and have confidence that you will get through this.  You will do it and the people here on these forums are amazing!

dudeitsmedweeb... I felt/feel the same thing about my bf and he has tested positive and we are both dealing with it together.  The guilt will not serve any good purpose... you love him and would never have intentionally done anything to hurt him.  You were pure of heart when you might have exposed your bf... life itself has risk if he had unprotected sex with you he made a conscious choice too.  It doesn't have to mean your relationship is over... my bf told me that if he tested negative he had already committed to staying with me.

On a direct personal note I had my first visit with my ID Dr yesterday and he is absolutely amazing... told me i am in great physical shape and before he left said "you'll be fine"... to have him say that with a smile on his face meant so much to me.

Thanks to all for all your kind and encouraging words!

-James
Infected early 2011; Tested positive 10/25/11; Confirmed 10/31/11 (Halloween)
10/26/11: VL101,900
11/8/11: VL79,000  Cd4 822
11/20/11: Started Atripla
11/29/11: Atripla Rash... Benadryl
12/4/11: Rash Gone :-)
12/28/11: VL 143
2/9/2012: Cd4 908 VL 34!!! (Just changed undetectable to below 20 :-| )

Online leatherman

  • Member
  • Posts: 6,327
  • Google and HIV meds are Your Friends
Re: Who to blame?
« Reply #15 on: November 10, 2011, 12:06:54 AM »
On a direct personal note I had my first visit with my ID Dr yesterday and he is absolutely amazing... told me i am in great physical shape and before he left said "you'll be fine"... to have him say that with a smile on his face meant so much to me.
that's good to hear. I'm glad you've gotten to a doc. Now after some lab work, you'll see what your counts (cd4 and viral load) are and know a lot better what you need to do to stay healthy.

never forget too, that there are plenty of people here who have had HIV (and even an AIDS diagnosis) for a long time and they're doing well (I've been poz for 26+ yrs, have had an AIDS diagnosis since 1992, and haven't been back in the hospital for 13.5 yrs.); so the doctor wasn't just BS-ing when you said you'd be fine.

hang in there James, and keep letting us know how you're doing when you start getting lab results back. ;)

we say we are gonna make it through and survive, however there is an inner voice that tells me its already over..

...I truly do belive I have found love, but its all soon to be gone due to fate?
Try not to jinx your relationship, dudeitsme. Just because one of you may be poz doesn't mean the relationship HAS to end. Try to keep up some hope that you two can weather this health crisis, just like all sorts of couples do with diabetes, cancer, being paralyzed, and a host of other horrible health problems that strike couples all the time.

First thing you two need to do though is to get your BF tested. Untreated HIV is deadly, and though no one wants the diagnosis, knowing you have it is the only way you're going to know when to start treatment. You two can worry about the ins-and-outs of being a sero-discordant couple as soon as you find out that you're not actually a poz-on-poz couple. ;) Best wishes and good luck!
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline TexasPOZ

  • Member
  • Posts: 46
Re: Who to blame?
« Reply #16 on: November 27, 2011, 03:13:31 AM »
Having to deal with this disease, or any other serious illness, is going to bring up a lot of emotions, period. Please try to forget about the blame issue. It's useless trying to figure out who gave it to whom. The facts are what they are. You are both positive. Not you're an educated, logical person, so of course you know, the thing to do is start working on the solution to the problem. Find a good doctor, get your VL and CD4 counts and determine if it's time to start meds, and if so what meds you want to take. I urge you to get some counseling or find a good support group run by a licensed counselor. That is what helped me more than anything. That, and having a good case manager to help put everything all together for me. A good place to start is the ASO (Aids Service Organization) in your area. Even though I had private insurance, a went to my local ASO and the case managers there were fantastic. Blaming someone, even yourself, really serves no purpose. I got it from my boyfriend who told me I was the only one, but I'm the one who chose not to wear a condom. Oh well, it's just one more mistake of many that I've made in my life. Fortunately, this mistake can be treated and I'm in excellent health, never been sick a day in my life from HIV. You don't have to be either. It's a treatable disease, and hopefully someday we'll have a cure. Just hang in there, don't be too hard on yourself, and work on living a healthy life, which is what anyone positive or not needs to do anyhow. Best wishes for you. You'll be all right!

Offline JamesFromSI

  • Member
  • Posts: 15
Re: Who to blame?
« Reply #17 on: November 30, 2011, 10:57:21 AM »
Thanks Texas... Really appreciate your and everyone's help.   ;D

I am MUCH better now... got past the blame... have a DR and some good ppl to help me.

Started taking Atripla last Sunday so took the 10th dose last night... I am of the mindset to medicate before I see symptoms... even thou my CD4 is 890... This virus could be doing irreparable damage so figured need to keep it low.

Thanks again!
-James
Infected early 2011; Tested positive 10/25/11; Confirmed 10/31/11 (Halloween)
10/26/11: VL101,900
11/8/11: VL79,000  Cd4 822
11/20/11: Started Atripla
11/29/11: Atripla Rash... Benadryl
12/4/11: Rash Gone :-)
12/28/11: VL 143
2/9/2012: Cd4 908 VL 34!!! (Just changed undetectable to below 20 :-| )

 


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