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Author Topic: Been a while -- I'm back  (Read 1363 times)

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Offline wow1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 208
Been a while -- I'm back
« on: September 26, 2011, 12:03:57 PM »
Hi everyone,

It's been a while since I posted. I've had so much going on in my life that I just haven't had time.

Short version.

I'm healthy.

My four year relationship ended recently. My ex and I separated about 7 months ago and had been seing a counselor. He has borderline personality disorder and was diagnosed about 2 years ago.

3 weeks ago, he got out of bed, kissed me good bye, said he loved me, he would see me at our counselors office in a couple of hours. 43 minutes later I get a txt message stating that we are finished and that if i ever try to contact him again, he's calling the police. I have no idea actually happened.

The last few weeks have very upsetting and stressful. So much so that they have unlocked some memories from my childhood of me beling molested - by of all people the family episcopal priest - it's such a cliche.

For the last few years I've questioned whether I was truly gay, or was I bi. I've been married. Or was I just straight and messed up.

Out of the blue, my therapist says after I tell her this that I should be prepared. She has had many clients who, after they have this type of realization determine they aren't truly gay. I can see this. I haven't told her I've wondered if I"m gay also.

So in the last 10 months. I've had my heart broken. My home turned upside down. Found out I was molested. And my identity may not be what I thought it was.

I'm worn out.

Now, on the other side ... I've felt the stigma of being poz in the gay community (been poz for 4 1/2 years or so) ... But what happens if I turn out straight, or at least I am able to have a relationship with a woman? Do women actually accept poz men? Most gay men run I am finding out ...

I have no desire to spend my life alone. I like being with someone. I'm very confused right now to be honest. Kinda scared. Very tired.


Offline mikeyb39

  • Member
  • Posts: 937
Re: Been a while -- I'm back
« Reply #1 on: September 26, 2011, 07:15:33 PM »
sorry about the misfortune,

So you are going to let a therapist tell you what sexuality you are?  i'm sorry something about that doesn't sound right.  Don't meen to sound insensitive, but i dont believe i would need someone to tell me who i should or should not be attracted to.
11/02/2010  cd4-251, vl-591000
12/09/2010  started Atripla
02/18/2011  cd4-425, vl-800
06/10/2011  cd4-447, vl-70
10/10/2011  cd4-666, vl-80
01/05/2012  swiched med (prezista,norvir ,isentress, )
02/10/2012  cd4-733, vl-UD  Viread removed
06/10/2012  cd4-614, vl-UD
12/14/2012  cd4-764, vl-UD
09/01/2013  cd4-785, vl-UD
03/06/2014. cd4- 1078, VL-UD
09/05/2014  cd4-850 , VL-UD

Offline Andy Velez

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 24,879
Re: Been a while -- I'm back
« Reply #2 on: September 27, 2011, 08:17:25 AM »
WOW, I am glad you have found your way back to us.

Your confusion and stress are very understandable. There are big changes going on in your life.  Just keep talking here and with your therapist. That's a good way to help to sort things out.

Right now your life is in flux, so I would urge you to not feel you have to "fix" or "change" things in a hurry. Take as much time as you need to get clarity.

Meantime, keep talking and avoid isolating yourself. Gradually you are going to find your way.

Cheers.
Andy Velez

Offline WillyWump

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,195
Re: Been a while -- I'm back
« Reply #3 on: September 27, 2011, 08:44:54 PM »
Hey Wow, welcome back buddy!

First off , I'm glad your healthy ;)

The other stuff, well it all sux. But as far as you questioning your sexuallity, what's the rush for you in "classifying" yourself? Why not just let things roll and let whatever feelings happen...happen. you are putting too much stress on yourself otherwise. I would take this (single) opportunity to maybe do some self introspection and see what you come up with. As far as I'm concerned If you feel gay today, and str8 tomorrow dont stress out, whatever you are meant to be you will "be".

-Will
POZ since '08

Last Labs-
6/3/14 CD4- 736, UD 34%
6/25/13 CD4- 1036, UD,
2/4/13, CD4 - 489, UD, 28%

Current Meds: Prezista/Epzicom/ Norvir
.

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 421
Re: Been a while -- I'm back
« Reply #4 on: September 27, 2011, 11:37:41 PM »
Hi,

Welcome back and nice meeting you! I am so sorry you are going through all these! I agree you have a lot to deal with. Take a deep breath. Things WILL GET BETTER... I have had some worst time in my life. I even thought to end my life at one point but chickened out. I am sharing these just so you know the way you are feeling now IT WILL CHANGE. I know how it feels when you are in the low. Guess what I promise you, it will get better. It always does. I am glad to hear that you are seeing a counselor, which I did also, and it helps!! Keep seeing her. Feel free to stop by and talk with us.

I agree as others are saying you don’t have to make any decisions today or tomorrow. I would take one day at a time. My thinking is you might feel differently about your homosexuality for two reasons. One that you have just recently unlocked some of your child memories the other reason could also be that you are going through some tough time and you may feel that its not worth of your time. I am just indicating/pointing out some issues. Talking with your shrink will help you a lot as it did for me. Again you don’t have to decide anything just yet. Time will heal the wound and in time you will figure out who you are and what you want.

I wish you the best my friend. Sending some positive energy on your way.

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 11,902
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Been a while -- I'm back
« Reply #5 on: September 28, 2011, 04:08:07 AM »
The last few weeks have very upsetting and stressful. So much so that they have unlocked some memories from my childhood of me beling molested - by of all people the family episcopal priest - it's such a cliche.

For the last few years I've questioned whether I was truly gay, or was I bi. I've been married. Or was I just straight and messed up.

Out of the blue, my therapist says after I tell her this that I should be prepared. She has had many clients who, after they have this type of realization determine they aren't truly gay. I can see this. I haven't told her I've wondered if I"m gay also.


First, Im sorry about the breakup.  But maybe hes not the best partner for the long haul.
And sorry about the resurfaced trauma!

I think I didn't understand something.

"I haven't told her I've wondered if I"m gay also."

Second part of sentence:

You are wondering if you are gay now.  If I understood the whole post, you consider yourself gay now, and are wondering if you are not gay, in fact, hetero and accidentally in a gay relationship due to childhood trauma.  Like what the counselor said.

First of all, I agree with others, just slowly continue the path and make "identity choices" as they seem right.  Since you have been married, I just were in 4 years with a guy, from a distance I would say you are living a bisexual sexuality.  How might that set with you, as an identity?

Gay, bi, straight.  It is what it is.  Since you probably have lived each identity for awhile, is any one more important than another, finally?

First part of the sentence:
I haven't told her.

Please say what you are feeling to a counselor, that is their job to hear it and they do it better when they hear it.

As for the trauma leading you to a false sexuality, I don't have any expertise.  But sounds like you might just want to get one second opinion. Or directly discuss this with your counselor, if you trust her, she'll help figure out what seems best for now and the future, to put that trauma behind you as well.
« Last Edit: September 28, 2011, 04:12:17 AM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline wow1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 208
Re: Been a while -- I'm back
« Reply #6 on: September 28, 2011, 01:36:35 PM »
First, Im sorry about the breakup.  But maybe hes not the best partner for the long haul.
And sorry about the resurfaced trauma!

I think I didn't understand something.

"I haven't told her I've wondered if I"m gay also."

Second part of sentence:

You are wondering if you are gay now.  If I understood the whole post, you consider yourself gay now, and are wondering if you are not gay, in fact, hetero and accidentally in a gay relationship due to childhood trauma.  Like what the counselor said.

First of all, I agree with others, just slowly continue the path and make "identity choices" as they seem right.  Since you have been married, I just were in 4 years with a guy, from a distance I would say you are living a bisexual sexuality.  How might that set with you, as an identity?

Gay, bi, straight.  It is what it is.  Since you probably have lived each identity for awhile, is any one more important than another, finally?

First part of the sentence:
I haven't told her.

Please say what you are feeling to a counselor, that is their job to hear it and they do it better when they hear it.

As for the trauma leading you to a false sexuality, I don't have any expertise.  But sounds like you might just want to get one second opinion. Or directly discuss this with your counselor, if you trust her, she'll help figure out what seems best for now and the future, to put that trauma behind you as well.

Thank you to everyone.

For the counselor part: I've been seeing a counselor for 8 months dealing with the drama from this relationship. Since we broke up, I've had five sessions and another 3 phone sessions. Yes, it's been very hard for me due to all the confusion. My ex has severe mental issues that didn't help us. My own inability to handle those issues and understand them didn't help either. I tried, but it was extremely confusing all of the time for me and it caused a lot of trust issues.

What I meant is that my therapist mentioned to me that she has had gay many clients who work through this kinda trauma and find they aren't really gay. She was just warning me what to expect. Nothing more. I hadn't told her that I'd been wondering if I was really gay also. It was one of those things where I had the thoughts and she gave voice to them. I was married once before and have a child.

If I'm bisexual .. ok. If I'm gay ... ok. If I'm straight ... ok. I just thought that I was having one of those vague thoughts about being gay. I mean everyone doubts themselves at times. But to find out there may be a basis for the doubt. Not what I was expecting.

This taught me that there are worse things than being positive. Having severe mental issues is a fate I wouldn't want. I feel huge amounts of pity for my ex. I would hate to live in his head.

Add to that the sexual abuse memories and I've just had alot on my plate. My therapist warned me that they would start coming back more and more. They have. I can't push them and the memories just show up at the worst times.

Dealing with being blamed for things I never did; being hiv poz and single; being single; finding out the molestation issues --- it's all just taken a huge toll on me.

Worse, finding I still love my ex very much has not helped me either. Watching people around me hurt because of his departure is also rough.

It's just alot to have happen in a 3 week period.

Thanks for all the comments.





 


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