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Author Topic: sorry  (Read 2544 times)

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Offline Growler

  • Member
  • Posts: 568
« on: October 06, 2011, 08:38:14 AM »
My apologies for my behavior earlier this week.

This is a forum for sharing your experiences with HIV. I've been here a couple of weeks and think I feel brave enough to spray my shit and be damned. Please forgive me.

When I was diagnosed, I was told by the Dr that "today its just like having Diabetes", easily managed. I went to work 2 days later and nursed a 30 year man with PCP who couldn't cope with living with HIV anymore and had declined all treatment and a 50ish man who was getting his leg amputated because he had an infected ulcer from the neuropathy that had been caused by diabetes induced by his HIV meds. Up until then I had trusted (most) Dr's, but that day my faith died.

The young man with PCP asked me if I was positive, I lied and told him no. I still to this day feel guilty for lying to him and would give anything to tell him the truth and tell him how sorry I was I lied. I've been subsequently told that people thought I was positive before I was diagnosed from my appearance, I think he know.

The thing that I'm most horrified about my diagnosis was my inability to cope with it. Outwardly, for a while at least, I was fine. I'd tell people exactly what the Dr had told me, "today its just like having Diabetes." But inside I was a mess and I refused to acknowledge I was in trouble. I never discussed how I felt with anyone, but I did start disclosing.... to anyone. I became obsessed with the thought of passing HIV to others and began telling colleagues who didn't need to know, to ensure that they were warned.

The decline continued. I wanted people to hate me as much as I hated myself and so I began to tell close colleagues that I had deliberately infected myself by injecting myself with blood. To this day I still don't understand why alarm bells didn't go off and I wasn't pulled from work. I did end up refusing to go to work after a palliative patient with cancer died and I came convinced that I'd killed her.

Since then I've deliberately overdosed on heroin and pills and been admitted to the emergency department of the same hospital where I used to work. I've been tazzered and handcuffed (I've never before even had a speeding ticket) and I've been a patient on a psych ward and locked in isolation.

Through-out my journey I NEVER admitted anyone that my problem was being diagnosed HIV+ and to the best of my recognition no one picked up on it. I've never had a conversation with anyone about being positive and I don't know anybody who is positive (except for a meth addict who lives on the floor below me but he scares the shit out of me).

Ok spray finished. 

THANKYOU to the member who PM'd me and asked how I was..........seriously THANKYOU.
“If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people.”

Offline james3000

  • Member
  • Posts: 140
Re: sorry
« Reply #1 on: October 06, 2011, 08:49:16 AM »
Growler in my life things spun out of control for a while it is no easy thing becoming HIV +
I feel for myself I cannot change the past and endless thoughts about it have not helped.
After a long time I am finally getting help and have met the right people my ASO helped and I would of been dead without them.
Hang in there things can and do get better with time.

Offline spacebarsux

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,350
  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: sorry
« Reply #2 on: October 06, 2011, 08:58:57 AM »
Growler, coming to terms with my HIV status was a bitch. It still gets hard emotionally and at times the whole acceptance process can be very grueling and one can end up feeling like you're walking backwards if you end up dwelling on the past too much- when at times, that may be needed to reconcile things mentally in order to move forward.  

I found counseling with a mental health professional very beneficial in coping and coming to terms with my new reality but what I found most comforting was talking and meeting with other positive people.

« Last Edit: October 06, 2011, 09:01:49 AM by spacebarsux »
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline mikeyb39

  • Member
  • Posts: 980
Re: sorry
« Reply #3 on: October 06, 2011, 12:59:13 PM »
hi Growler,
i understand those feelings, i myself have good days and bad days, hopefully things will get better for you.

As far as the two folks with PCP and leg amputated, you can't judge a book by its cover.  Did you know if these two folks were getting proper care, most folks that deal with OI'S such as PCP means something is wrong, either they are on no medications or something is wrong with their current treatment.
11/02/2010  cd4-251, vl-591000
12/09/2010  started Atripla
02/18/2011  cd4-425, vl-800
06/10/2011  cd4-447, vl-70
10/10/2011  cd4-666, vl-80
01/05/2012  swiched med (prezista,norvir ,isentress, )
02/10/2012  cd4-733, vl-UD  Viread removed
06/10/2012  cd4-614, vl-UD
12/14/2012  cd4-764, vl-UD
09/01/2013  cd4-785, vl-UD
03/06/2014. cd4- 1078, VL-UD
09/05/2014  cd4-850 , VL-UD
09/05/2014 switched meds isentress, prezcobix -still only two antivirals
10/14/2015  cd4-600 , VL-UD

Offline skeebo1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,801
Re: sorry
« Reply #4 on: October 06, 2011, 01:17:17 PM »

  Well Mr. Growler, I had a bunch of stuff all replied out and deleted it all with a swipe of the tab buttom.  I use this small portable laptop and do this stuff all the time.  Why just the other day I dropped the number one QB in my fantasy football league by accident.  Talk about anger..... still can't believe I've lost Aaron Rodgers..

  Anyways...  I know,  I know, I know, what you feel brother.  You probably picked a bad time to quit smoking, but don't start back up again because I said that.  The anger, despair, self hatred, etc, etc, and more doesn't go away easily.  Boy I wish I hadn't hit that tab button, fucking shit makes me want to slam this puter against the rented wall, then toss it out the window into the busy street below.  

  But therapy and talking to someone about it has helped with stuff like that.... and I suspect it can help you too.  Don't wait 6 years like I did, when a line of squad cars are in front of your house and take you somewhere you don't want to go but need to.... okay, I'm rambling.

  Get HELP sir, therapy works, and not only that but can give you a better foundation on which to stand as you muddle through this HIV stuff.

  I better hit enter before my big fingers hit the tab key again...

I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Online leatherman

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,112
  • Google and HIV meds are Your Friends
Re: sorry
« Reply #5 on: October 06, 2011, 01:26:25 PM »
I had a bunch of stuff all replied out and deleted it all with a swipe of the tab buttom.
happens to me all the time when I use netbook, especially after being on a regular size keyboard. Periodically, hit ctrl-A (to select all in the textbox where you are typing) and the ctrl-C to copy it. If you do this a couple times when writing out a big post (at the end of each paragraph or so) then you'll have most of it saved to ctrl-v paste back into the textbox when you return.
leatherman (aka mIkIE)

All the stars are flashing high above the sea
and the party is on fire around you and me
We're gonna burn this disco down before the morning comes
- Pet Shop Boys

chart from 1992-2015

Offline Buckmark

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,641
  • Would you like to tie me up with your ties, Ty?
    • Henry's Home Page
Re: sorry
« Reply #6 on: October 06, 2011, 01:51:41 PM »

I hope that your coming here might be a step in turning things around for you.  Talking about problems works; ignoring them does not.  These forums and the people here can be very valuable.  So can a therapist -- if you don't have one already, get one who is right for you.  They can help you sort out things that friends and family cannot.  It sounds like you've been through an awful lot, and it's sounds like it is time for you to start dealing with the fact that your are HIV+.  There are lots of people who can help, including the forum members.


"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things:
     One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell.
     The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love."
- Butch Hancock, Musician, The Flatlanders

Offline LM

  • Member
  • Posts: 409
Re: sorry
« Reply #7 on: October 06, 2011, 03:05:26 PM »
I know what you mean. I think I dealt well in the beginning with having HIV. But then I saw some people in my clinic who didn't look so well. And then I heard of some people dying with AIDS. And then I read other people dying here, or having other health problems. All of this really shatters your spirit, especially because you don't know the details. So now I'm trying to take it day by day and not think about the future. Today I'm perfectly healthy, so that's good. I'll try to not bother about what could possibly happen; if it happens, I'll deal with it then. I think that having HIV makes our mental health our first priority, because if we don't feel well, everything else will fall apart. So, like the others suggested, look for a therapist and take care of yourself.

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 430
Re: sorry
« Reply #8 on: October 07, 2011, 12:27:02 AM »
Hey at least you did not ignore the HIV like I did which is six and half years! I might not have puked after the HIV status news but if you don't know me I am the one who left the clinic after the HIV news and never went back there for what almost another 7 years!! Yes I can joke about it now (funny huh!), tell you what it's not pretty! So, go talk to someone, I am sure you will feel better. Talking to people here is great but talking to a therapist that some of us need badly. Good luck to you buddy. Take care!

Offline Growler

  • Member
  • Posts: 568
Re: sorry
« Reply #9 on: October 07, 2011, 12:58:41 AM »
I didn't sleep well last night; I kept waking up and wondering what the fuck have I done! But in reading the comments today from you guys I've realized that perhaps lancing the boil and letting the poison drain out isn't a bad thing. Thanks for the support and sharing your own experiences.

When I get my counts from the HIV clinic next week I have an appointment to see their psychologist, so I'm no longer swinging in the wind.

Strange thing happened this morning, the guy that I mentioned who was poz was smoking in the courtyard and offered me one (I promise I declined skeebo ) but I noticed he had conjunctivitis and so I went to the chemist and got some clorsig eye drops and I'm now administering them 4 times a day. I've also persuaded him to make an appointment to see his Dr and get it checked out. Turns out he recently started atripla after getting a CD4 count in the 190s. I was able to answer most of his questions thanks to what I've read on this site and it felt good to be useful again.

“If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people.”

Offline skeebo1969

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,801
Re: sorry
« Reply #10 on: October 07, 2011, 08:44:09 AM »

I didn't sleep well last night; I kept waking up and wondering what the fuck have I done! But in reading the comments today from you guys I've realized that perhaps lancing the boil and letting the poison drain out isn't a bad thing.

 Gve yourself credit, one of the hardest things for us as men is reaching out for help.... the hard parts over now.  One of my new doctor's first questions to me yesterday was "why are you on Remeron?".  She caught that immediately, and her office scheduled me an appointment with a psychologist for next week.

  I need this... and you do too.  We can't do this on our own.  Trust me, I tried.

  (Who's glad Growler came around)
I despise the song Love is in the Air, you should too.

Offline LoboDog

  • Member
  • Posts: 82
Re: sorry
« Reply #11 on: October 09, 2011, 01:01:00 AM »
Hey Growler.... Your doc is right... HIV is just like diabetes. Except that it is sexually transmitted, comes with a huge social stigma, costs 20 times as much per year to treat. Plus to top it all off, you can probably pinpoint an activity that you did that put you at risk for getting hiv.

Sorry for the sarcasm... I just really hate that comparison.

You have received some good advice from people here. Most of which is centered around therapy. For me, I went to group meetings. Just talking about it with other people really helped.

I was diagnosed 2.5 years ago. The only thing that I can tell you is that it gets easier. I think we will always carry a little self stigma though. The other day I was noticing how all the food handlers at restaurants were wearing latex gloves. A couple of thoughts ran through my mind... Their hands must sweat.. those gloves must be expensive... 10 years ago you never saw the same prevalence of glove... I have the disease that caused the paranoia behind those gloves.

When I was first diagnosed, I thought about HIV as often as a teenage guy thinks about sex. I thought about it when I got up in the morning... when I drove to work.... as I did my work. After 2 years of thinking and worrying about it, I can tell you that all the worrying got me no where.

I hope you find some way to come to terms with the fact that you have HIV. There is no magic potion that will cure your self stigma... that is something you have to get through on your own.

Despite all of the thinking and contemplating and worrying... There is nothing I can do about this disease inside of me (other than not transmit it). May as well make the best of what I have.


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