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Author Topic: So upset and so frustrated right now...  (Read 3798 times)

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Offline Ac75088

  • Member
  • Posts: 228
So upset and so frustrated right now...
« on: September 09, 2011, 11:51:27 PM »
I've been talkin to this guy for a little while and we seemed to click and like each other alot..Wasn't a sexual relationship but just friends to start with..So anyways we were talking earlier and asking each other random questions about the other..And he asked if I have ever had an STD..And I truthfully told him I was HIV+ and he just completely turned into a different person..He told me that was his biggest fear and he was really freaked out and he was upset that I hadn't told him earlier...I tried to explain that it's not something I like to just throw out there right away and it wasn't even a sexual relationship..He asked and I was truthful..But I thought he was better than that or that he would understand and I've been so upset and down for the past 4 hours..I guess I just need comforting words from people who understand..I'm still crying..mainly out of frustration because even friendships are altered by this :(
01-12-08 Tested poz cd4 700 vl 8,000
04-25-11 Lowest cd4 count of 415 vl high at 250,000
05-03-11 Started Atripla
05-16-11 Hospitalized and treated for 2 weeks (neurosyphilis)
07-05-11 CD4 count 585 VL 550
10-04-11 CD4 count 700 VL 75
02-03-12 CD4 count 799 VL UD
08-08-12 CD4 count 838 VL UD

Online phildinftlaudy

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,965
  • sweet Ann what you think babe...
Re: So upset and so frustrated right now...
« Reply #1 on: September 10, 2011, 12:02:55 AM »
That suciks Ac-
Hopefully, you aren't just thinkin about all of the cliche sayings - you know - about not needing friends like that, etc, etc.
But, are actually practicing them to get you through the frustration...

It can be very difficult - but at least you now know where he stands - and you know that you are a better person and were honest ---- you can hold your head high.

I have had similar experiences - but I don't even get phased about it too much anymore -
Now, I will say, that the other day, when I told my mom about being selected to participate in the TAG liegislative advocacy initiative in DC - she was happy, but I could also tell that she still has issues with me being positive - and even more issues with disclosure about it..... she even asked what my cousin (who is about my mother's age - and is a nurse) had said when I told her I was positive --- and then my mother asked if my cousin had asked how I had gotten it ----- I could tell that she still has her fear and anxiety about her friends and some relatives knowing that I am positive and that I am gay ----- it gets me pissed, but at the same time, I usually shake it off pretty quick - I would rather know how someone really thinks and feels, then to have someone "fake" that they are accepting.


Just know that  we are here for you and that we do understand.... keep your head up!
September 13, 2008 - diagnosed +
Labs:
Date    CD4    %   VL     Date  CD4  %   VL
10/08  636    35  510   9/09 473  38 2900  12/4/09 Atripla
12/09  540    30    60   
12/10  740    41  <48   
8/11    667    36  <20  
03/12  1,041  42  <20
05/12  1,241  47  <20
08/12   780    37  <20
11/12   549    35  <20
02/12  1,102  42  <20
11/12   549    35  <20

Offline Ac75088

  • Member
  • Posts: 228
Re: So upset and so frustrated right now...
« Reply #2 on: September 10, 2011, 12:07:32 AM »
Thanks Phil...that means alot..And that is sound advice..Just wish I was as strong as you and didn't let other people bother me so much
01-12-08 Tested poz cd4 700 vl 8,000
04-25-11 Lowest cd4 count of 415 vl high at 250,000
05-03-11 Started Atripla
05-16-11 Hospitalized and treated for 2 weeks (neurosyphilis)
07-05-11 CD4 count 585 VL 550
10-04-11 CD4 count 700 VL 75
02-03-12 CD4 count 799 VL UD
08-08-12 CD4 count 838 VL UD

Offline spacebarsux

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,350
  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: So upset and so frustrated right now...
« Reply #3 on: September 10, 2011, 12:53:26 AM »
Hey AC, this sort of thing does really suck and which is precisely why people are so fearful of disclosing. Friends turn to foes and it brings out the worst in people. But, it also will surprise you on how many friends will stick by you despite your HIV- so in a way it also sorts friends from foes.

The extremely (few) people who do know about my status, that I previsoulsy thought would disown me as friends and family, have stuck by me and nothing has changed in their behaviour for me.So disclosure does tell you who your real friends are and that they really love you, warts and all.

But yeah...the really sad part is that a lot of seemingly (and possibly genuinely) nice and clever folk also subscribe to these hysterical/fear-filled/irrational notions when they are totally unjustfied and unreasonable. What's worse is that I can sorta understand their fear cos I used to be like them prior to my diagnosis.

Hugs and take care.
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline newt

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  • Posts: 3,878
  • the one and original newt
Re: So upset and so frustrated right now...
« Reply #4 on: September 10, 2011, 05:49:15 AM »
Well good on you for telling him in a civilised and conversationally natural way. It's not your business to deal with his anxiety. When this happens to me I just tell the person to go and sort their head out and get real about the presence of HIV in their peer group.

- matt
"The object is to be a well patient, not a good patient"

Offline Theyer

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,497
  • Current ambition. Walk the Dog .
Re: So upset and so frustrated right now...
« Reply #5 on: September 10, 2011, 06:28:45 AM »
Big hug and what everyone Else has said ,  the insensitivity off some humans is unspeakable .Thank the Gods you found out now.

theyer
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline wolfter

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  • Posts: 4,460
Re: So upset and so frustrated right now...
« Reply #6 on: September 10, 2011, 11:42:19 AM »
As I read your post, I immediately was taken back to my first instance of disclosing to someone I was really "into".  He was practically living with me and constantly pressured me for sex.  I used the excuse that I was still dealing with the loss of Bill and I put off telling him for quite a while.

I had the thought of not telling him and having great sex but couldn't bring myself to be like that.  I finally had the courage to tell him one morning before heading to work.  I came home that evening and he had taken all his belongings and left his key on the counter.  I was crushed!  I could have lied and had what I wanted but I know I did the right thing.

It hurt for quite a while and I now totally understand his position.  He has since contacted me on FB and I'm sure he has had enough time to educate himself on this virus.  Sometimes, the right decisions are the most difficult but is well worth it in the end.

We sometimes assume that all gay people understand the dynamics of this virus but I'm not so sure. 

Best wishes.
Wolfie
Complacency is the enemy.  ;)  Challenge yourself daily for maximum  return on investment.

Offline newt

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  • the one and original newt
Re: So upset and so frustrated right now...
« Reply #7 on: September 10, 2011, 01:43:15 PM »
If people can't deal with HIV it would be simpler and more respectful, honest etc if they just said look I can't deal with the virus it frightens me, no reflection on you, rather than playing out these Sex in the City/Bridget Jones type scenarios. Guess some people are emotionally deficient and HIV-negative. >sigh<

- matt
"The object is to be a well patient, not a good patient"

Offline Miss Philicia

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  • Posts: 24,011
  • celebrity poster, faker & poser
Re: So upset and so frustrated right now...
« Reply #8 on: September 10, 2011, 01:51:53 PM »
I think I've experienced more people that are non-dramatic about it just like you described than any hyperventilating sorts.

... but back to the OP: from you profile you state you live in a (very) major metropolitan area, so if you're not at the point with a think skin to throw yourselves to the wolves why not try running in circles where you know the other guys are HIV+? Then you don't have to deal with any of this.
"Ive slept with enough men to know that Im not gay"

Offline CallMeSid

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  • Member
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Re: So upset and so frustrated right now...
« Reply #9 on: September 10, 2011, 05:10:38 PM »
AC --

"Rejection is one thing,
But rejection by a fool is CRUEL!"

I'm so sorry.  That's a very painful (and so unnecessary) thing to go through.  I wish I was there to give you a {HUG}.

On the bright side, as upsetting as it is to face this, you now do know this man (<--and I use that term lightly) for what he is.  His true colors were going to come out at some point and I suppose it's better that it happened now as opposed to some point down the road when you reached out to him as a friend and were slapped in the face with this BS at a more vulnerable time.

It still hurts though and I truly am so sorry.  You deserve much better.

Hang in there,

Sid

07/2006 HIV-negative
06/2007 HIV-positive
07/2007 CD4: 795 (40%), VL: <50
09/2007 CD4: 629 (43%), VL: 895  (~2 weeks after measles/mumps/rubella booster)
12/2007 CD4: 854 (45%), VL: <50
03/2008 CD4: 880 (45%), VL: 151
12/2008 CD4: 943 (46%), VL: 116
05/2009 CD4: 865 (44%)  VL: 107

Offline Joe K

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  • Posts: 3,619
  • 31 Years Poz
Re: So upset and so frustrated right now...
« Reply #10 on: September 10, 2011, 08:42:33 PM »
While I can empathize with what you are going through, how is being rejected for being poz, really any different?  The reason doesn't matter, when the real issue is your getting rejected.  You may have told him you were an Atheist let's say and what if he rejected your friendship because of that?  Would it have hurt any less?  I'm not discounting how you feel, however you must realize that people make choices, for all kinds of reasons and that often the true issue lies with them and not with you.

I also encourage people to stop making character calls by saying that anyone who rejects you for being poz, is somehow evil or uncaring.  As Matt said, there are folks who get really freaked about HIV and if someone can't handle you being poz, there is not much you can do, or probably should do.  Unless you see yourself as somehow diminished because you are poz, what most people think will not matter to you.  It doesn't mean you won't face rejection, but at least you will understand the true source.

How we see ourselves influences how we perceive we are viewed by others.

Offline newt

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  • Posts: 3,878
  • the one and original newt
Re: So upset and so frustrated right now...
« Reply #11 on: September 10, 2011, 09:08:21 PM »
It's different because people are not hyperirrationally afraid of atheism even thou they live among undeclared athiests, but this aside I agree with all your points.

- matt
"The object is to be a well patient, not a good patient"

Offline GSOgymrat

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,009
  • HIV+ since 1993. INTJ
Re: So upset and so frustrated right now...
« Reply #12 on: September 10, 2011, 09:50:11 PM »
It's different because people are not hyperirrationally afraid of atheism even thou they live among undeclared athiests, but this aside I agree with all your points.

- matt


Oh, my younger brother has been dropped like a hot potato by women when he tells them he is atheist. It can be a real deal breaker.

Nobody likes to be rejected but it stings worse when we are rejected over something we are insecure about to begin with. If someone dumped me because of HIV I wouldn't lose sleep over it but if someone dumped me because "you're boring" it would bother me.

Online phildinftlaudy

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  • sweet Ann what you think babe...
Re: So upset and so frustrated right now...
« Reply #13 on: September 10, 2011, 10:36:22 PM »
Nobody likes to be rejected but it stings worse when we are rejected over something we are insecure about to begin with. If someone dumped me because of HIV I wouldn't lose sleep over it but if someone dumped me because "you're boring" it would bother me.

I don't think you are boring at all ;) ;)
 ;D
September 13, 2008 - diagnosed +
Labs:
Date    CD4    %   VL     Date  CD4  %   VL
10/08  636    35  510   9/09 473  38 2900  12/4/09 Atripla
12/09  540    30    60   
12/10  740    41  <48   
8/11    667    36  <20  
03/12  1,041  42  <20
05/12  1,241  47  <20
08/12   780    37  <20
11/12   549    35  <20
02/12  1,102  42  <20
11/12   549    35  <20

Offline Joe K

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 3,619
  • 31 Years Poz
Re: So upset and so frustrated right now...
« Reply #14 on: September 10, 2011, 11:44:14 PM »
Nobody likes to be rejected but it stings worse when we are rejected over something we are insecure about to begin with. If someone dumped me because of HIV I wouldn't lose sleep over it but if someone dumped me because "you're boring" it would bother me.

It's not only insecurity, but the fact that you can become more interesting if necessary, however, you cannot become HIV negative.  It was always harder for me, when I was rejected because of my status, because that is something I cannot change.  It feels a lot like being gay, rejected by most of society and something that I can  not change and I wouldn't change it if I could.  I am me and I am enough and I matter. All the rest is just stuff. 

Offline Growler

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  • Posts: 567
Re: So upset and so frustrated right now...
« Reply #15 on: September 11, 2011, 12:02:11 AM »
Personally I feel sorry for the guy. His own fears and prejudices have meant that he's probably missed out on a great friendship or even relationship. Now that's sad.
If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people.

Offline spacebarsux

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  • Posts: 1,350
  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: So upset and so frustrated right now...
« Reply #16 on: September 11, 2011, 01:29:33 AM »
Most people do not feel shame, guilt or self-loathing because of their religion, or their height, or their race, or whatever because these little things make up who they are and most-self respecting people wouldn't want to be with someone who doesn't accept them as they are. Why would I even want to be friends with someone who has a problem with any personality or physical trait of mine?

With HIV it is a little different because it is a stigmatized disease that induces fear and judgment in most people (the fact that this is irrational is a different matter). The external prejudices can and often do result in self-imposed internalised stigma which can be very painful and crushing - at least this was my experience.  

I do think that as long as I perceive myself as being unworthy or damaged goods (or something like that) because of my HIV, rejection due to my status will sting a lot more than being rejected on any other ground. The day that changes in my mind and I see it for what it is (i.e. just a virus) which obviously doesn't define me in anyway...rejection because of it will stop affecting me.

So in the end, when my attitude changes from 'I'm scared of disclosure consequences and what others might think of me' to  'HIV is just a virus and anyone who can't appreciate diversity in the various ailments humans are inflicted by or the various pathogens we carry, does not have any space in my life'.

I think it is a slow process which is not always clear-cut or straightforward.

At the moment, if I am rejected by anyone because of my race (for example) it wouldn't bother me one bit cos I am proud of who I am and wouldn't want to associate with such a person anyway...but being turned down because of my HIV would bother me and would hurt.

I want this to change...it's a slow process I think. I have always been comfortable with every other aspect of me, but I have only known I am HIV+ since January. The effect of passing of time is also relevant, I reckon.

« Last Edit: September 11, 2011, 01:38:27 AM by spacebarsux »
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline CallMeSid

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  • Member
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Re: So upset and so frustrated right now...
« Reply #17 on: September 12, 2011, 01:33:43 AM »
I also encourage people to stop making character calls by saying that anyone who rejects you for being poz, is somehow evil or uncaring. 


Thanks for chiming in.  I'll call it as I see it.  You don't have to like it or agree with it.   
07/2006 HIV-negative
06/2007 HIV-positive
07/2007 CD4: 795 (40%), VL: <50
09/2007 CD4: 629 (43%), VL: 895  (~2 weeks after measles/mumps/rubella booster)
12/2007 CD4: 854 (45%), VL: <50
03/2008 CD4: 880 (45%), VL: 151
12/2008 CD4: 943 (46%), VL: 116
05/2009 CD4: 865 (44%)  VL: 107

Offline buginme2

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Re: So upset and so frustrated right now...
« Reply #18 on: September 12, 2011, 03:39:34 AM »
I stopped seeing a guy once because he wore a pair of alligator shoes on our date.
I stopped seeing another guy once because he was rude to a store clerk.
I stopped seeing a guy once because when he took off his baseball hat he was bald.
I stopped seeing a guy once because he called me too much.

People end relationships all the time for stupid reasons. It's part of life.  It sucks.  It doesn't make the guy evil.

Offline spacebarsux

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  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: So upset and so frustrated right now...
« Reply #19 on: September 12, 2011, 03:51:44 AM »
Actually Bugsy, all those guys you describe were pure evil.  ;D
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline buginme2

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Re: So upset and so frustrated right now...
« Reply #20 on: September 12, 2011, 04:27:37 AM »
Actually Bugsy, all those guys you describe were pure evil.  ;D

That goes without saying, I mean alligator shoes?? Some people.

Offline Since2005

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  • Posts: 419
Re: So upset and so frustrated right now...
« Reply #21 on: September 12, 2011, 10:48:03 AM »
To be honest, I was like him before my HIV Dx. He, as a person, could make a decision about whom he wants to date, that would be his choice. AC, I am sorry the situation caused you pain, but I guess that has happened in the past and that will happen to any of us in the future. It's unfortunate due to the fact that ignorance does exist. I understand (doesn't make it right) as I was as ignorant as he is now to you (may be he is not ignorant and in that case, we gotta respect personal choice/wishes).

Having said that rejection hurts especially something like our HIV status that we cannot change. We are restricted to dating (in some cases as it seems and it sucks!), though I wouldn't call him cruel for this.

I hope you will forget this soon and could do better!

« Last Edit: September 12, 2011, 11:11:58 AM by Since2005 »

Offline Ac75088

  • Member
  • Posts: 228
Re: So upset and so frustrated right now...
« Reply #22 on: September 14, 2011, 09:12:34 AM »
Thanks guys..I am feeling much better..I was able to give the guy an AC-style closing statement so Im not wasting anymore time being upset on the matter
01-12-08 Tested poz cd4 700 vl 8,000
04-25-11 Lowest cd4 count of 415 vl high at 250,000
05-03-11 Started Atripla
05-16-11 Hospitalized and treated for 2 weeks (neurosyphilis)
07-05-11 CD4 count 585 VL 550
10-04-11 CD4 count 700 VL 75
02-03-12 CD4 count 799 VL UD
08-08-12 CD4 count 838 VL UD

 


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