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Author Topic: I don't mind gray (grey) and at times it feels like Dorian  (Read 1450 times)

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Offline MarcoPoz

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  • Posts: 396
I don't mind gray (grey) and at times it feels like Dorian
« on: September 08, 2011, 03:37:26 PM »
Just another check in from a LTSr with spotty participation here:

So it seems I see so much of the chatter bouncing about lately in the larger culture is becoming more divisive--things are either right or wrong--black or white.  Sometimes I see my experience with HIV this way too.  I'm either having a 'good' day or 'bad' day/week/month etc.

But lately I've started to pay attention to--and appreciate the grey days.  Maybe its just my own rebellious nature to stop feeding into the either/or mindset, or perhaps I'm just getting older.  But I think I look good in grey, emotionally and intellectually, that is.  And not that 'woe is me-doomy gloomy grey', but maybe that 'perfect excuse to stay in on a rainy Sunday in a warm sweater, warm cup in my hand, fire place started, good book reading while radio lab plays in the background' kind of grey.

I'm trying to stop seeing things as a totality of either good or bad--and attempt to see more of the 'it just IS' view.

Right now, after a summer of competition, I'm probably in the best shape I've been in 25 years.  I'm solid, strong and still have moments when I move like the athlete I used to be.

I've added more tattoos.  Ok, so I'm addicted to ink.  I love even the smell of tat ink.

I'm doing my best to help my step-father deal with his physical, emotional and mental decline after my mother passed and his ongoing health issues have gotten worse.  Some days I'm really focused and can steal some time to make sure he knows he's not a complete ass and that he didn't fritter his life away being pissed at everyone.  Some days I turn my phone off--with out guilt.

I missed a regularly scheduled 3 month follow up with my ID doc because I was working on HIV care, prevention and advocacy projects and couldn't shake free when they had time for me.  So--I just scheduled for October.  No big deal.

I still have some of the crazy symptoms that I've had the last few years--sometimes they piss me off--sometimes I treat them with meditation, yoga, the gym---sometimes I treat them with Scotch, dry red wine, live music, dive bars and debauchery.     

Trying to be a good friend.  Trying to be a good husband.  Trying not to piss off everyone, just because I can.

All in all, I'd say that after 20 years of HIV, along with all I've done and had done to my body, mind and spirit from combat, drugs, etc etc etc.  The picture in my attic is still holding up--and so am I.

I think grey is my color for the fall this year.

Offline kellybryana

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Re: I don't mind gray (grey) and at times it feels like Dorian
« Reply #1 on: September 09, 2011, 03:02:01 AM »
thanks for the post, I really appreciated it...it really made me feel ok. Just ok though. Not great...or bad. That was the point though, wasn't it?


Offline spacebarsux

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Re: I don't mind gray (grey) and at times it feels like Dorian
« Reply #2 on: September 09, 2011, 03:17:55 AM »
thanks for the post, I really appreciated it...it really made me feel ok. Just ok though. Not great...or bad. That was the point though, wasn't it?



Precisely that. Sometimes feel 'grey'.  :)
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline Theyer

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  • Current ambition. Walk the Dog .
Re: I don't mind gray (grey) and at times it feels like Dorian
« Reply #3 on: September 09, 2011, 05:00:35 AM »
 Marco, so reflective I think it was a pretty mellow yellow kinda post , though its hard to look good in yellow and the grey thing does look good on us middle years gents however I think there will always be a splash off RED somewhere in your picture

Many congrats on your season , and thanks for putting me in touch with a autumnal frame off mind because prior to reading your post I was spitting. Tate Gallery wants £13.50 for the Miro show £13.50 I could fly to  Barcelona and if memory serves me right get into his museum for free. Though how I possably think my memories off Barcelona are going to be black and white clear is... deep breaths Autumn Autumn Autumn....

Many congrats on your season
theyer
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline Since2005

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Re: I don't mind gray (grey) and at times it feels like Dorian
« Reply #4 on: September 09, 2011, 08:59:01 AM »
I like the concepts of 'gray'. It helps me to cope up with things. I remember my shrink used to say to me ' try to look at the gray side, not black nor white'. After my dx, I was severely depressed for first couple of years and my shrink’s advice 'gray' was the key to get out of it! So, yaa. I liked your 'okay' reading and 'okay' concepts. Because it’s gray!!
« Last Edit: September 09, 2011, 10:13:36 AM by Since2005 »

Offline spacebarsux

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Re: I don't mind gray (grey) and at times it feels like Dorian
« Reply #5 on: September 09, 2011, 10:06:46 AM »
And I just learnt that Americans spell 'grey' as 'gray'.  :)
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline Since2005

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  • Posts: 419
Re: I don't mind gray (grey) and at times it feels like Dorian
« Reply #6 on: September 09, 2011, 10:15:36 AM »
You meant "learned" (learnt) "gray" (grey)? :)

Offline emeraldize

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Re: I don't mind gray (grey) and at times it feels like Dorian
« Reply #7 on: September 09, 2011, 11:50:45 AM »
Space is from India, so he used (meant) learnt.
Courtesy Merriam: Definition of LEARNT chiefly British past and past participle of learn

 


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