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Author Topic: Is there anybody out there?????  (Read 2616 times)

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Offline peternay81

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  • Posts: 16
Is there anybody out there?????
« on: August 14, 2011, 08:20:27 PM »
Life living with HIV is more than you can handle sometimes, You look out of a window and find an immensity of nothingness, you search for answers like GOD, Psychology and information... always searching for something. You reach out and find nothing but the certainty that your meds will be there the next day as well as your permanent companion HIV.
Iīm not depressed!!! Iīm not happy!!! My mind is in auto-mode, at first when I found-out I was poz all I wanted was to survive, the thought of death danced around the refection of my past, Now that I have survived and apparently productive, with things back to normal, Why canīt I find meaning or purpose? It is as if life stopped the moment I closed my eyes.

Thatīs why I ask; is anybody out there who feels the same? Is the world so cold and terribly wrong that we must live just to live?  If you feel the same do tell.
                                                                                                            PETE.

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: Is there anybody out there?????
« Reply #1 on: August 14, 2011, 08:40:52 PM »
Welcome Pete.

How long have you been poz?

MtD

Offline peternay81

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Re: Is there anybody out there?????
« Reply #2 on: August 14, 2011, 08:43:34 PM »
I was diagnosed 4 years ago bro!!!!

Offline Matty the Damned

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  • Ninja Please
Re: Is there anybody out there?????
« Reply #3 on: August 14, 2011, 08:47:11 PM »
For the first few years after I was diagnosed the last thought that went through my mind before I fell asleep at night (as well as upon waking) was today there is more of the virus and less of me.

But that abated on it's own.

If you're not depressed (you say you are not and I have no reason think otherwise) then it sounds to me like you are grappling with existential angst.

Perhaps you should write a gritty novel. :)

MtD

Offline peternay81

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Re: Is there anybody out there?????
« Reply #4 on: August 14, 2011, 08:52:15 PM »
Ha ha ha right!!!! Hey just reflecting some of my gritty thoughts.

Offline zach

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Re: Is there anybody out there?????
« Reply #5 on: August 14, 2011, 08:56:00 PM »

Thatīs why I ask; is anybody out there who feels the same? Is the world so cold and terribly wrong that we must live just to live?  If you feel the same do tell.
                                                                                                            PETE.

living is the good part, life is what you make of it
gonna go up to the mountain, for to find a little peace
looking over the valley, for the beauty i see
out across the hills, forevermore

Offline surf18

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  • Posts: 525
Re: Is there anybody out there?????
« Reply #6 on: August 14, 2011, 08:57:56 PM »
14 months post dx i still lay around in disbelief that i got this thing. this doesnt happen to me,happens to others blabla. those are thoughts i have at night before bed still. just really disbelief and shock that i got the big one.

Offline peternay81

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Re: Is there anybody out there?????
« Reply #7 on: August 14, 2011, 09:16:54 PM »
Listen bro the real struggle is not coming to terms with the situation itīs finding out what you will do with the rest of your life with all its bitterness and wins, itīs a bittersweet feeling.

When I was first diagnosed I was told I would die in 6 months, my viral load was 150,000 and I did not even have the power to get off of bed, after first coming to terms with the fact that I was going to die I started getting better, became undetectable by the first year and had to realize that I still had a long way to go. When you spend so much time in the darkness itīs hard to come in to the light, I guess Iīm just lonely and feel the need to love and be loved, guess itīs not entirely odd. And I trust I will find meaning to all this mess... Eventually, ha ha ha.   hang in there!!!!                                                   PETE.

Offline leatherman

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Re: Is there anybody out there?????
« Reply #8 on: August 14, 2011, 10:02:54 PM »
Welcome Peter.

And I trust I will find meaning to all this mess...
having had HIV for 26 yrs (Aids for 20+ of that) I've often wondered about the meaning to life since all my friends and lovers have passed away and left me here. I have decided that there really is no rhyme or reason to life - so there is nothing to "find".

However, you can have meaning in your life - you just have to make the meaning. You have to choose what you want to do to give meaning to your life. (are you working? getting an education? doing volunteer work? writing a novel?) of course, that's easier said than done LOL; but just like saying you're going to start exercising or you're going to start losing weight, these things don't magically happen because you want them to. It takes action and energy on your part to make your life have meaning.

best wishes on bringing the meaning to your life.  ;)
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Offline weasel

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  • Posts: 1,681
Re: Is there anybody out there?????
« Reply #9 on: August 15, 2011, 12:35:21 PM »


             Hey Pete  :)  ,

                      Having been HIV POZ   since 1981 ,
                      Then going to FULL BLOWN AIDS   7 years ago I have delt with the missery
                      of loosing most of my friends .
                        I used to lay in bed and ask why me ??  , Woe is me   :'(
                        I did loose about two years of feeling  HATE &  depression , After I was told AIDS !
                I was in a bad state .
                        I sold our home in Las Vegas and moved across country to start my death
                      process , I WAS  miserible !
                       
" Live and let Live "

Offline weasel

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  • Posts: 1,681
Re: Is there anybody out there?????
« Reply #10 on: August 15, 2011, 12:46:18 PM »
 
 Continuing ............................. ?


              After being told I was   Full Blown AIDS , I lost a lot  of time with worry .
              Bob was getting annoyed , No help was available here in Missouri where we are .

             Finally  after  a couple years  working on the house and finding new friends , First on
             AIDS.MEDS  then   in real time  . Life has become  to quite nice .
             I still have bad times , Isolation ...............
             But I live EVERYDAY !   
              Life has to be  lived and it takes time to feel  OK with HIV  :-*

                                                  Well that's my story .

                                                 Be well Pete  :)

                                                                         Weasel    AKA   Carl 
" Live and let Live "

Offline peternay81

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  • Posts: 16
Re: Is there anybody out there?????
« Reply #11 on: August 15, 2011, 08:19:25 PM »
You get me Carl... Fortunately I have an amazing family, but it is I who has to deal with living with HIV. I realize that my past goals and objectives are no longer valid and I have to search for new ones.
Carl people like you inspire me because you have been POZ for the same years I have lived and if you have survived all those years and are so balanced I can too.
                                                                          Thanks for all Carl.                          PETE.

Offline worried100

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  • Posts: 36
Re: Is there anybody out there?????
« Reply #12 on: August 21, 2011, 01:07:26 PM »
Hi
Yes i feel exactly the same i was diagnosed 2 years ago.

There are somethings that i am just not planning for like old age, and it makes me sad to think that unless i am extremly lucky i wont live to see it. I also dont want kids now (I am not prepared to bring a child in this world, when i might die before they reach adulthood)

My big concern is dying before my mum as i am the only thing she has in the world.

I have always questioned  if there is a god and to try and find reasons for things. This multiplied 100 fold after finding out i was positive.

Hoping i outlive my mum is my main goal in life. (Funny thing is before i was diagnosed i use to worry about what i would do if she died!!! My how the tables have turned) ???


xxxx


Offline jkinatl2

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  • Posts: 6,007
  • Doo. Dah. Dipp-ity.
Re: Is there anybody out there?????
« Reply #13 on: August 21, 2011, 01:22:41 PM »
Hi
Yes i feel exactly the same i was diagnosed 2 years ago.

There are somethings that i am just not planning for like old age, and it makes me sad to think that unless i am extremly lucky i wont live to see it. I also dont want kids now (I am not prepared to bring a child in this world, when i might die before they reach adulthood)

My big concern is dying before my mum as i am the only thing she has in the world.

I have always questioned  if there is a god and to try and find reasons for things. This multiplied 100 fold after finding out i was positive.

Hoping i outlive my mum is my main goal in life. (Funny thing is before i was diagnosed i use to worry about what i would do if she died!!! My how the tables have turned) ???


xxxx



You do realize that you have an excellent chance of living past the average lifespan, don't you? I certainly hope no one has been telling you otherwise.

As for kids, many of the forum members have had children and expect to be healthy and happy when they reach, and pass, adulthood.

Yes this is a serious disease. And the treatment requires careful monitoring and adherence to meds. But for those diagnosed in the past ten years it is far from necessarily fatal.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline TabooPrincess

  • Member
  • Posts: 279
Re: Is there anybody out there?????
« Reply #14 on: August 21, 2011, 01:52:44 PM »
I found meaning in my son who will be 2 soon.  I get up and I get through the day with him I mind - I work to feed him and put a roof over his head - I keep going and being the best I can because he needs the best and he needs me.  Soon I'll need to find my own meaning but for now it's working quite well.

Not that I'm suggesting everyone go out and have a baby, it's bloody hard work.  But it does make life seem more purposeful.

Aside from that there are perks to being shallow, try not to think about things so deeply.  Just live and learn.
09/ 2008 - Seroconversion
11/2008 - Tested pos, cd4 640 vl 25400
12/2008 - cd4 794 vl 27798, 35%
03/2009 - cd4 844 vl 68846, 35%
06/2009 - cd4 476 vl 49151, 33% (pregnancy confirmed)
08/2009 - cd4 464 vl 54662, 32%
Started meds for pregnancy (Kaletra, AZT, Viread)
09/2009 - cd4 841 vl 3213, 42%
10/2009 - cd4 860 vl 1088, 41%
11/2009 - cd4 771 vl 563, 38%
12/2009 - cd4 885 vl 151 42%
Discontinued meds after baby born
02/2010 - cd4 841 vl 63781, 38%
05/2010 - cd4 1080 vl 113000, 39%
08/2010 - cd4 770 vl 109242
12/2010 - cd4 642 vl 111000, 34%
06/2011 - cd4 450 vl 222000, 33%
11/2011 - cd4 419 vl 212000, 24%
03/2012 - cd4 280 vl 118000, 26% (repeated Cd4 at 360)
05/2012 -cd4 360 vl 99,190
10/2012 Atripla, cd4 690, vl 80
12/2012 Darunavir, norvir, truvada, Cd4 680, vl u/d
07/2013 cd4 750,ud

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 420
Re: Is there anybody out there?????
« Reply #15 on: August 21, 2011, 02:01:26 PM »
I realize that my past goals and objectives are no longer valid and I have to search for new ones.
Hey Pete, I don't understand why this has to be different now. you UD and living healthy I believe. Are you absolutely certain ( don't know if you want to share) about this? If that's true then you are correct saying you would need to search for the new ones. I get you - life could be 'dull' sometimes but thats what the life is about good and bad. May be one day if you find someone who will love yor for you it will be different but you have to live to find that out, right?

Offline peternay81

  • Member
  • Posts: 16
Re: Is there anybody out there?????
« Reply #16 on: August 21, 2011, 05:37:24 PM »
Hey Since 2005 itīs different because a couple of years back my my goal was to have a family and children, travel around the world, see new things and mostly fall in love, unfortunately I live in a place where most of the people living with HIV live their lives under the bridge, falling in love is sooo hard, people here just donīt understand they hear HIV and think a dying person and are terrifying.
It is good that  you folks started talking about children because I always wanted to father a child and now that is impossible. I donīt complain I just know I have to find something new to keep this heart pumping, maybe what you read before is a reflection of my loneliness but I guess Iīll manage, I am alive for a reason just donīt know what it is...                                                                              PETE.

Offline jkinatl2

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  • Doo. Dah. Dipp-ity.
Re: Is there anybody out there?????
« Reply #17 on: August 21, 2011, 05:55:25 PM »
Hey Since 2005 itīs different because a couple of years back my my goal was to have a family and children, travel around the world, see new things and mostly fall in love, unfortunately I live in a place where most of the people living with HIV live their lives under the bridge, falling in love is sooo hard, people here just donīt understand they hear HIV and think a dying person and are terrifying.
It is good that  you folks started talking about children because I always wanted to father a child and now that is impossible. I donīt complain I just know I have to find something new to keep this heart pumping, maybe what you read before is a reflection of my loneliness but I guess Iīll manage, I am alive for a reason just donīt know what it is...                                                                              PETE.

Peter, where do you live, if you don't mind saying? Why can't you relocate to somewhere more accepting? Does your doctor know of any support groups or services in your area?

There is absolutely no reason you cannot be a father. Thing is, you might have to go to some lengths, both emotionally and geographically, to make that happen.

People with HIV fall in love, travel the world, and have families all the time. Even, I wager, in your part of the world. They might have to look a little harder, work a bit more, overcome stuff that those of us in the US don't always have to do.

But it's possibility is only limited by your fear.

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline Since2005

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  • Posts: 420
Re: Is there anybody out there?????
« Reply #18 on: August 21, 2011, 06:49:10 PM »
There is absolutely no reason you cannot be a father. Thing is, you might have to go to some lengths, both emotionally and geographically, to make that happen.

I agree with jkinatl2. There is absolutely nothing is impossible for you to do now just because you are HIV+. I will be wrong if I said that it’s going to be easy given your situation but it is not impossible. There are stories where HIV+ are having kids ( actually in India there are some clinics do that and that's cheaper). May be it will be out of your range, may be you would have to find different things to live with. Sitting there in your room might noy be the way to go about. I am saying this and I know it’s so easier said than done. But, its possible! Go out there and meet people. You are so lucky you have such a great family who support you for being you. Do you know some people don't even have that ( like me!)? It is hard but if you don't fight it then trust me it will be harder. One suggestion, you write very well, I was jealous reading your other thread :). May be, you could start writing your thoughts, poem or may be a novel? ;)  I wish you to have the courage to do things that you want to do  in your life!

-Since

Edited to correct spelling
« Last Edit: August 22, 2011, 05:47:35 AM by Since2005 »

Offline peternay81

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Re: Is there anybody out there?????
« Reply #19 on: August 22, 2011, 12:35:53 AM »
I too agree with you guys there is absolutely no reason to do those things Iīve mentioned, true those things are hard but not impossible itīs just the fact that sometimes I do feel overwhelmed with all the stuff going on my life, discovering this page has helped with the idea of living with this condition.

I live in a small city in Mexico and I am thinking in moving back to the states and find a better life for myself, my family has played an amazing role and I donīt know what I would do without them and about support groups "you are looking at it" Iīm the closest it gets to one, sometimes you just give and give to find yourself needing to be given, do you get what I mean? What about me? Here meds are for free but people find themselves not being able to work or handle this HIV situation on their own, thatīs where I come in and help people sometimes with the essentials, I donīt have allot of money but my hard work pays off in helping some. I sometimes force myself more than I should I guess.

Your advise is well taken I donīt think Iīm that good though but I like to search deeper in things, Iīm surely not a shallow or superficial person, I am fascinated by art and poetry, maybe someday Iīll be brave and show you my paintings, LOL                 GOD bless Since2005 and Thank you for the interest.                                                                             PETE

Offline peternay81

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Re: Is there anybody out there?????
« Reply #20 on: August 31, 2011, 12:04:55 AM »
Embrace your nature and your way of loving,  by faith your life is nothing but a won battle, even if itīs bittersweet or in the dark.

 


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