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Author Topic: My partner tested positive, now has no feelings for me  (Read 7382 times)

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Offline skips

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My partner tested positive, now has no feelings for me
« on: August 21, 2011, 11:25:59 AM »
Hi All,

Thanks for reading my post, I'd appreciate any input you might have.

3 months ago my partner tested positive for HIV. To cut a long story short, we have been seeing each other for years and had an open relationship. We were always safe with others. I have tested negative.

Since his diagnosis he seemed to become disconnected from everyone, including me. I understand quite a lot of people feel this way?

Unfortunately he says he no longer has any feelings for me as a boyfriend, he doesn't feel intimacy for me any more. He used to find it difficult to even be around me, but is now fine with this.

Is this normal? I'm absolutely devastated. I feel no different for him and I still want to be with him.

Thank you.

Offline Ann

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Re: My partner tested positive, now has no feelings for me
« Reply #1 on: August 21, 2011, 11:43:06 AM »
Hi Skips, welcome to the forum.

I've moved your thread into the "Someone I Care About" forum as it is a more appropriate place for you to post.

Many of us go through exactly what you're describing after testing positive. So yes, it's normal. It's still early days for him yet, so give it time. Just keep letting him know you love him no matter what. It's possible he's rejecting you to save himself from being rejected by you for being positive. You may want to bring up the subject of couple's counselling to help you both through this tough time of transition, adjustment and yes, even acceptance. Good luck.

Hang in there.

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

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"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline hope_for_a_cure

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Re: My partner tested positive, now has no feelings for me
« Reply #2 on: August 21, 2011, 11:47:59 AM »
It may not be about YOU at all.  Your partner just tested HIV+ and let me tell you.... he has a LOT going on in his mind.  Be supportive as best you can and let him have some time to process this news.  Give him a big ole hug, tell him you love him, but most of all.... let him have his space for a while.  

Offline skips

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Re: My partner tested positive, now has no feelings for me
« Reply #3 on: August 21, 2011, 11:50:24 AM »
Thanks for your reply Ann, sorry I put the thread in the wrong place.

He still feels sexual for others, just not for me. He no longer feels the connection that we once had. We have had the most amazing relationship for years and years, I don't want it to end and I have told him that.

I'd love to hear from others, whether they have experienced anything similar?

Offline hope_for_a_cure

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Re: My partner tested positive, now has no feelings for me
« Reply #4 on: August 21, 2011, 11:52:57 AM »
I'd love to hear from others, whether they have experienced anything similar?

no

Offline Ann

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Re: My partner tested positive, now has no feelings for me
« Reply #5 on: August 21, 2011, 11:58:39 AM »
Thanks for your reply Ann, sorry I put the thread in the wrong place.

No problem, Skips, you're new here. Just make sure you read the Welcome Threads that appear at the top of some of the forum sections.

It could be that while he finds it easy to feel sexual with others who he isn't all that close to, he may be terrified of accidentally passing on his virus to someone with whom he has been so close to for so long. You also said that he's been disconnecting from others too. Maybe the only sexual attraction he feels comfortable with right now is attraction of a more anonymous nature.

Of course it also could just be a coincidence that the relationship had run its course for him and  his diagnosis was the impetus he needed to finally make his feelings known. Stranger shit has happened. Many people, after testing positive, decide it's time to make life-changes they had already been thinking about, but hadn't yet done anything about.
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline jkinatl2

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Re: My partner tested positive, now has no feelings for me
« Reply #6 on: August 21, 2011, 01:24:00 PM »
no

Could you be a little less supportive, Hope?

"Many people, especially in the gay community, turn to oral sex as a safer alternative in the age of AIDS. And with HIV rates rising, people need to remember that oral sex is safer sex. It's a reasonable alternative."

-Kimberly Page-Shafer, PhD, MPH

Welcome Thread

Offline hope_for_a_cure

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Re: My partner tested positive, now has no feelings for me
« Reply #7 on: August 21, 2011, 05:25:38 PM »
Could you be a little less supportive, Hope?



Yea... that did come across in a way that I did not intend.  I should clarify -  for me personally, I have not experienced the scenario you have described.  The one word response was not intended to be snide in any way.  Wish you the best !!

Hopey

Offline spacebarsux

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Re: My partner tested positive, now has no feelings for me
« Reply #8 on: August 22, 2011, 11:32:47 AM »
Hi Skips,

I was in an open relationship when I was diagnosed. The relationship ended very soon after my diagnosis, however it was on the brink anyway. My ex and I are still good friends but things are obviously nowhere near the same.

I have no idea about the dynamics of your relationship but for what its worth here is glimpse of my experience.

At the time of my diagnosis, the shock of finding out, the guilt of unknowingly having put my partner at risk, thoughts about what the future would hold and all the emotional baggage –all just got too much for the both of us. To be honest, during those initial months, physical intimacy and the mental state of my partner did not figure on my list of priorities as my mind was way deep in weighing the pros and cons of whether living with HIV was even worth it and if so, what that meant for me, and to a lesser extent for us. I made the assumption (in my case possibly correct) that the relationship would end because of my status anyway, so it was pointless making an effort to salvage it, as I now had MUCH bigger problems to face.

I think we were too absorbed thinking about ourselves individually that we forgot to think about us together (although that is an oversimplification, cos like I said the relationship was likely coming to an end anyway HIV or not).

I largely agree with what Hope said. Just give your partner some time and space to figure things out as there is a lot going through his mind. Although you love him a lot, it is likely that you cannot comprehend the range of thoughts going through his head-everysecond, of every minute, of every hour, of every day  during this time. But in time things should begin to normalise.

I hope things work out well with your partner.

All the best.
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline skips

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Re: My partner tested positive, now has no feelings for me
« Reply #9 on: August 22, 2011, 02:32:19 PM »
Thank you so much for your reply. I really appreciate you taking the time to do so.


Hi Skips,

I was in an open relationship when I was diagnosed. The relationship ended very soon after my diagnosis, however it was on the brink anyway. My ex and I are still good friends but things are obviously nowhere near the same.

I have no idea about the dynamics of your relationship but for what its worth here is glimpse of my experience.

At the time of my diagnosis, the shock of finding out, the guilt of unknowingly having put my partner at risk, thoughts about what the future would hold and all the emotional baggage –all just got too much for the both of us. To be honest, during those initial months, physical intimacy and the mental state of my partner did not figure on my list of priorities as my mind was way deep in weighing the pros and cons of whether living with HIV was even worth it and if so, what that meant for me, and to a lesser extent for us. I made the assumption (in my case possibly correct) that the relationship would end because of my status anyway, so it was pointless making an effort to salvage it, as I now had MUCH bigger problems to face.

I think we were too absorbed thinking about ourselves individually that we forgot to think about us together (although that is an oversimplification, cos like I said the relationship was likely coming to an end anyway HIV or not).

I largely agree with what Hope said. Just give your partner some time and space to figure things out as there is a lot going through his mind. Although you love him a lot, it is likely that you cannot comprehend the range of thoughts going through his head-everysecond, of every minute, of every hour, of every day  during this time. But in time things should begin to normalise.

I hope things work out well with your partner.

All the best.


Offline drewm

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Re: My partner tested positive, now has no feelings for me
« Reply #10 on: August 22, 2011, 02:58:50 PM »
Hi All,

Thanks for reading my post, I'd appreciate any input you might have.

3 months ago my partner tested positive for HIV. To cut a long story short, we have been seeing each other for years and had an open relationship. We were always safe with others. I have tested negative.

Since his diagnosis he seemed to become disconnected from everyone, including me. I understand quite a lot of people feel this way?

Unfortunately he says he no longer has any feelings for me as a boyfriend, he doesn't feel intimacy for me any more. He used to find it difficult to even be around me, but is now fine with this.

Is this normal? I'm absolutely devastated. I feel no different for him and I still want to be with him.

Thank you.

Welcome to the forums. Not much for me to add except to expound upon the reality that he faces being HIV poz is something his brain is processing. I was shell-shocked upon dx and while I was concerned about family and friends, I was withdrawn for awhile. I cannot begin to describe the emotions, feelings, concerns and reality one deals with when being dxd. It can be overwhelming.

As time marches on and he begins to cope with his dx and handle his life, he will likely come around. Hang in there  ;)
Diagnosed in  May of 2010 with teh AIDS.

PCP Pneumonia . CD4 8 . VL 500,000

ATRIPLA - VALTREX -  FLUOXETINE - FENOFIBRATE


Numbers consistent since 12/2010 - VL has remained undetectable and CD4 is anywhere from 275-325

Offline skips

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Re: My partner tested positive, now has no feelings for me
« Reply #11 on: August 29, 2011, 11:39:06 AM »
Sadly he's decided we no longer work.

He's decided to move out :-(

Offline mecch

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Re: My partner tested positive, now has no feelings for me
« Reply #12 on: August 29, 2011, 12:10:25 PM »
Hi All,

Thanks for reading my post, I'd appreciate any input you might have.

3 months ago my partner tested positive for HIV. To cut a long story short, we have been seeing each other for years and had an open relationship. We were always safe with others. I have tested negative.

Since his diagnosis he seemed to become disconnected from everyone, including me. I understand quite a lot of people feel this way?

Unfortunately he says he no longer has any feelings for me as a boyfriend, he doesn't feel intimacy for me any more. He used to find it difficult to even be around me, but is now fine with this.

Is this normal? I'm absolutely devastated. I feel no different for him and I still want to be with him.

Thank you.

I am so sorry for you to read the most recent post that he is moving out.

I had some questions about your first post in this thread.  They probably aren't so very important, since the relationship is breaking up.  But here goes:

"3 months ago my partner tested positive for HIV. To cut a long story short, we have been seeing each other for years and had an open relationship. We were always safe with others. I have tested negative."

If you are negative, its a bit confusing that you say you went out for years, had an open relationship, and were "always safe with others".  Either, 1) he was not safe with others, while you were together.   OR, his infection dates from YEARS ago before you started seeing each others.  Just to make it clear. 

"Unfortunately he says he no longer has any feelings for me as a boyfriend, he doesn't feel intimacy for me any more. He used to find it difficult to even be around me, but is now fine with this."

When was this "used to find it difficult to even be around me"???  Before he was diagnosed HIV+?  Or in the three months since he was diagnosed, but before you posted this.  Did he withdraw immediately after diagnosis, or before, even well before??  Its just not clear.

If he was withdrawing before, then it may not be about the HIV diagnosis. The relationship maybe was just petering out. 

If he withdrew extremely right after, but then warmed up again a bit, there is some possibility a lot of this distancing is about the HIV.   

Well, I do hope you get some closure.  Wishing you the best.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline spacebarsux

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Re: My partner tested positive, now has no feelings for me
« Reply #13 on: August 29, 2011, 01:01:51 PM »
Sadly he's decided we no longer work.

He's decided to move out :-(

I am sorry to hear that. I can relate to your situation as I had a similar experience.

If you don't mind me asking- was there a marked shift in his behaviour after the diagnosis or were there signals of things going downhill even before that day? Well, it may just be pointless going down that road now.

If it is the former, it's likely that he has a million other things on his mind at the moment and needs some time to cool off.

Wish you the best.

« Last Edit: August 29, 2011, 01:03:54 PM by spacebarsux »
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline skips

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Re: My partner tested positive, now has no feelings for me
« Reply #14 on: August 29, 2011, 03:17:31 PM »
Thank you for your replies - it is genuinely warming.

-

Some background to fill in the gaps:

We started seeing each other 6 years ago. We were both tested for HIV and both negative. A year ago we decided to start seeing others on occasion. We have always been unprotected with each other. We have always been protected with others.

He contacted his 4 buddies after being diagnosed and they say they have all been for tests and come back negative.

Finding it difficult to be around me was post diagnosis.

His behaviour changed as soon as he was told he had HIV. The change was immediate and enormous. He's no longer the same person.

One final thing - I think our relationship did hit a bit of a bumpy patch but we could both see it was getting better - then the diagnosis hit.

Bit of a minefield I know.

Thanks all.

Offline spacebarsux

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Re: My partner tested positive, now has no feelings for me
« Reply #15 on: August 29, 2011, 03:22:58 PM »
Skips, what you describe is almost exactly what happened between me and my ex with the fundamental difference that our relationship was less than 2 years old and that might have been one of the reasons it didn't survive.

Give your partner some time and space. Once the fog lifts, he may realise how much you mean to him.

In any event, best wishes.  :)

On a side note:- something strikes me as amiss about how consistently safe sex was practiced and/or what these sex buddies say. Trust no one. Whether that is at all related to the break-up is another matter.
« Last Edit: August 30, 2011, 01:52:37 AM by spacebarsux »
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline mecch

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Re: My partner tested positive, now has no feelings for me
« Reply #16 on: August 29, 2011, 03:54:59 PM »
I am not exactly sure what insights you are looking from but since you are posting in an HIV forum and your (soon to be or already) ex bf is moving on so shortly after diagnosis - I'm understanding you want some clarity on the role of HIV in this.

By your most recent post, you still seem unable to just say it, but something is rotten in Denmark. Whether his 4 buddies are lying is secondary.  Your ex is not able to be honest about how he got HIV, which was unsafe sex with someone.  And, he broke the rules you established.  

Or is it just you who seems unable to say flatly what happened.  Its fine to say you love him and want to continue, but is there, or isn't there, anything to vent about the open-relationship experiment that went bad.

He probably feels many conflicting emotions about his own future.  And also I might guess he is overwhelmed with conflicting emotions about how his actions -- the accident, or breaking the rules, or whatever led to his seroconversion - have effected you.  Also about what his actions say about his behavior in any relationship.  Might be easier for him to be alone then resolve all these conflicts immediately in your presence.

Did you ever get a chance to frankly discuss the rule breaking?  Going forward in a discordant relationship?   Let alone just talking about how he is feeling being HIV+. 

That said, I am sorry your heart has to be broken because obviously you love him.

I am with the others. Give him the space. Who knows maybe he will be back.  

Some relationships take this change in stride.  Some need work to survive.  Some need changes to survive.  Some can't survive.  
« Last Edit: August 29, 2011, 04:02:24 PM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline skips

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Re: My partner tested positive, now has no feelings for me
« Reply #17 on: September 03, 2011, 12:15:22 PM »
Having spoken a little about things what I have discovered is that he gets very upset/mad that he longer feels content with me. He used to feel content/relaxed/happy when we cuddled, but he no longer gets the same feeling as he used to.

He's got very upset about this.

Has anyone had a similar reaction?

Offline mecch

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Re: My partner tested positive, now has no feelings for me
« Reply #18 on: September 03, 2011, 12:41:26 PM »
Some people get turned off by sex when they seroconvert.  Seen in mentioned often here.  

I was negative in my last long relation when my bf seroconverted.  (To be clear, I was negative until after that relation broke up).  It was not easy for either of us to adjust about so many things about serodiscordancy.   Other couples do this well. 

Like you, I had my own fears, but Im guessing Im a lot older than you cause I had scars from the 80's and 90's AIDS horror stories.  

I am glad you came here and speak to us HIV+ people, since your BF can't very much speak to you at them moment.   Its important you communicate your own feelings and fears and so do it with us.

You have to give him space for the moment.   Does he know you joined this? Would it freak him out that you are talking about him, about you, or about the couple, or all 3?  

Did he move out?
« Last Edit: September 03, 2011, 12:44:48 PM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline spacebarsux

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Re: My partner tested positive, now has no feelings for me
« Reply #19 on: September 04, 2011, 04:18:43 AM »
Having spoken a little about things what I have discovered is that he gets very upset/mad that he longer feels content with me. He used to feel content/relaxed/happy when we cuddled, but he no longer gets the same feeling as he used to.

He's got very upset about this.

Has anyone had a similar reaction?

Hey Skips,

Have you considered the possibility that at the moment he might actually be upset/mad/ discontent at himself (not you) and that maybe affecting his behaviour towards you ?

When one is diagnosed, a host of emotions are bound to occur and everyone deals with it differently. When i was diagnosed-for the first few months sexual intimacy was the last thing on my mind.

Best
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

 


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