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Author Topic: How soon should I tell my betterhalf?  (Read 1877 times)

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Offline tmiller31

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  • Posts: 6
How soon should I tell my betterhalf?
« on: August 16, 2011, 05:29:25 AM »
After having found out that I am +, how soon should I tell my betterhalf? And how should I tell him? He's in another country since last year.. Every time I wanted to confess to him, I having second thoughts because I'm scared of his reactions or what's next after having found out. . .   :( pls help. . .  :(

Offline spacebarsux

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  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: How soon should I tell my betterhalf?
« Reply #1 on: August 16, 2011, 06:13:17 AM »
Tell him once you are ready but before you get physically intimate with him again. The sooner the better. Face to face is better than over the phone and email, in my opinion.

I told my bf over the phone 5 seconds after seeing my result. The relationship ended but it was coming to an end irrespective. We're still friends though. Life goes on.

Good luck
« Last Edit: August 16, 2011, 06:24:43 AM by spacebarsux »
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline hope_for_a_cure

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Re: How soon should I tell my betterhalf?
« Reply #2 on: August 16, 2011, 06:22:07 AM »
In a situation like this, try to put yourself in their shoes (so to speak). Would you not want to know your partner's health issue(s) as soon as possible? You used the word confess. My read is that you feel as though you have done something wrong.  

Tell him today!  
« Last Edit: August 16, 2011, 06:24:14 AM by hope_for_a_cure »

Offline mecch

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  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: How soon should I tell my betterhalf?
« Reply #3 on: August 16, 2011, 06:49:24 AM »
Since its a long distance relation i dont think you should wait for a face to face.
How do you usually communicate now?  Telephone or email or video calls?
Inform him via your habitual means of communication.

But first rethink that use of the word "confess" by the way.  

If you are taking HIV in stride, this will help the partner a bit.  But yeah the ball will be his and nobody can really control his reaction.

If it is NOT a confession and you don't carry much shame or guilt, you'll be better for it.  Especially if the relationship does not survive - in that case, you will know to your core you deserve a bigger person.  And if the relationship goes on, HIV will have less control of your life and you'll be happier together.

ANY KIND OF CONFESSION DRAMA - please avoid this.  Even if thats who you are and how you feel and where you are right now, its just not the best strategy in a relation.
« Last Edit: August 16, 2011, 06:53:53 AM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline spacebarsux

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Re: How soon should I tell my betterhalf?
« Reply #4 on: August 16, 2011, 06:53:20 AM »
Tmiller clarified in his earlier posts that English is not his native tongue so reading too much into the word 'confess' may not be needed here.
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline bocker3

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Re: How soon should I tell my betterhalf?
« Reply #5 on: August 16, 2011, 09:40:00 AM »
Well -- this is a tricky one for me.  While, I would much rather have a conversation like this face to face, you probably don't want to wait all that long to inform him.  Unless the two of you have ALWAYS used condoms, he really should get himself tested too.

After I found out my positive result, I phoned my partner to find out when he was coming home (he could tell something was wrong, but I said that I was "fine").  I then called to see if we could get him tested that evening, if he was willing to go -- the person who had just given me my result said that she'd be there late into the evening working on paperwork and would be glad to test him.  When he got home, I told him my results.  I was a sobbing mess, he was quite calm and good about the whole thing.  We went down to get him tested -- longest 20 mins of my life, BTW -- he tested negative and remains so to this day.

So -- while face to face might be the ideal, you have to put his health into this equation too -- tell him soon.

Good luck,
Mike
Atripla - Started 12/05
Reyataz/Norvir - Added 6/06
Labs - Pre-Meds
Sep05 T=350/25% VL98,559
Nov05 288/18%  47,564
Current Labs
May2013 691/31% <20

Offline emeraldize

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Re: How soon should I tell my betterhalf?
« Reply #6 on: August 16, 2011, 10:07:08 AM »
In a situation like this, try to put yourself in their shoes (so to speak). Would you not want to know your partner's health issue(s) as soon as possible? You used the word confess. My read is that you feel as though you have done something wrong.  

Tell him today!  

Hi,
I agree with Hope's suggestion -- what would you want if the situation were reversed?
Good luck -- it's not an easy conversation, but having it will take the boulder off of your chest and you will be able to deal with an outcome you've only imagined over and over again.
Em

Offline Matty the Damned

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Re: How soon should I tell my betterhalf?
« Reply #7 on: August 16, 2011, 10:16:45 AM »
How should you tell him? As casually as you announced the news to a bunch of strangers on the intywebs.

MtD

Offline Since2005

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  • Posts: 421
Re: How soon should I tell my betterhalf?
« Reply #8 on: August 20, 2011, 05:01:13 PM »
Hey,

As much as you like your bf, HIV is yours to keep (sorry!) not his. The bettehalf may not want to have a share of that piece. So, I would prepare myrself before sharing the news (good and bad). If I were you, I would wait till I see him in person. It’s much easier that way. Again, Bocker did mention that if you two were having unprotected sex then he also needs to know on ASAP basis. Do you know when is he coming back home? If he is coming back soon then wait but if it is a really long time before you see him again then I guess you don't have much of a choice for his sake. Good luck with this issue. I hope it goes well for you.

Edited to correct spelling
« Last Edit: August 21, 2011, 04:15:26 PM by Since2005 »

Offline newt

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  • the one and original newt
Re: How soon should I tell my betterhalf?
« Reply #9 on: August 20, 2011, 05:35:32 PM »
Personally, I think asap, by whatever means you judge sound.

You know you have to tell him, and there is no real easy way to say it.

His reaction is his, one of them live it moments. Could be good could be bad no way to tell.

- matt
"The object is to be a well patient, not a good patient"

Offline eric48

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  • @HIVPharmaCure & tinyurl.com/HIVPharmaCure
Re: How soon should I tell my betterhalf?
« Reply #10 on: August 20, 2011, 06:07:13 PM »
And how should I tell him?

One simple answer (among others, you have a choice, I admit):

NEVER + Condom - period -

Cheers
Eric
NVP/ABC/3TC/... UD; CD4 > 1000; CD4/CD8 ~ 2.0   safety stock : 3 months (2013: FOTO= 5d. ON 2d. OFF)

 


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