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Author Topic: It Just Gets Harder To Deal With  (Read 8232 times)

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Offline ThatsAll

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It Just Gets Harder To Deal With
« on: August 13, 2011, 01:45:46 AM »
I know I'm not the only with drama.I guess I just need to vent. The mother of my two kids walked out on me last night. We were dealing with my infection as best as we could. Until we had a broken condom and she had to get PEP. I guess it is too much for her. I don't blame her, of course. We all know how much it hurt to get infected. She just had enough I guess.

I think I'm at the start of a melt down. I was coping with my situation really well. I say was because I don't think I can deal with this anymore. I have no friends. I have nobody to talk to. She was my only friend. She was my best friend and my all. My kids keep me afloat and wanting to survive, but I don't think they deserve a dad like me. I feel like the lowest of the low. My self esteem has hit rock bottom. Suicide is out of the question for me. I love my kids, I want to live to see them become men. It's just overwhelming to deal with this by myself.

How do you guys deal with all this stuff?

Offline mecch

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Re: It Just Gets Harder To Deal With
« Reply #1 on: August 13, 2011, 06:39:54 AM »
Thats awful!
Get yourself someone to talk to?  Family? Maybe an old friend?  Do you work? Is there anyone at work?  A local mental health center?  Even call a hotline, talk to them, and ask for referrals.

By the way, I am a bit confused.  Did you ever get a confirmed test that you are HIV+? 

Have you ever gotten any labs at all done?

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline hope_for_a_cure

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Re: It Just Gets Harder To Deal With
« Reply #2 on: August 13, 2011, 06:48:24 AM »
That does sound rather overwhelming and the fact that her departure has just occurred makes for a 'fresh wound'.  I think we all are thrown into situations during our lives that knock us on our butts.  There is no simple solution as far as dealing with a breakup.  Perhaps she needs a bit of space.  I would submit that the attachment she has with the father of her children may be stronger than it appears.  My gut feeling (w/o knowing you or her) is that this is not the final chapter for you two.  

A friend of mine on here had a situation where his wife needed some space and he allowed her to have that glimpse of life without him in it.  My understanding is that she realized how much she truly did love and need him in her life during that time.  

Stay busy, focus on your kids, and let time work its 'magic'.  

Offline ThatsAll

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Re: It Just Gets Harder To Deal With
« Reply #3 on: August 13, 2011, 08:09:35 AM »
Thats awful!
Get yourself someone to talk to?  Family? Maybe an old friend?  Do you work? Is there anyone at work?  A local mental health center?  Even call a hotline, talk to them, and ask for referrals.

By the way, I am a bit confused.  Did you ever get a confirmed test that you are HIV+? 

Have you ever gotten any labs at all done?


This may sound like a lie but I absolutely have not one friend. I always been a loner.
Yes and yes.Have not gone back for more labs since my first ones about seven months ago were at 700 and my vl was at 25k.

Offline ThatsAll

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Re: It Just Gets Harder To Deal With
« Reply #4 on: August 13, 2011, 08:11:31 AM »
That does sound rather overwhelming and the fact that her departure has just occurred makes for a 'fresh wound'.  I think we all are thrown into situations during our lives that knock us on our butts.  There is no simple solution as far as dealing with a breakup.  Perhaps she needs a bit of space.  I would submit that the attachment she has with the father of her children may be stronger than it appears.  My gut feeling (w/o knowing you or her) is that this is not the final chapter for you two.  

A friend of mine on here had a situation where his wife needed some space and he allowed her to have that glimpse of life without him in it.  My understanding is that she realized how much she truly did love and need him in her life during that time.  

Stay busy, focus on your kids, and let time work its 'magic'.  
Thanks. I hope you're right. Havent slept in 48 hours. I think I need to rest.

Offline mecch

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Re: It Just Gets Harder To Deal With
« Reply #5 on: August 13, 2011, 06:02:15 PM »
This may sound like a lie but I absolutely have not one friend. I always been a loner.
Yes and yes.Have not gone back for more labs since my first ones about seven months ago were at 700 and my vl was at 25k.

Your isolation clearly will make it harder to deal with the pain of this relationship trouble.  
I hear that you have no friends.  Can I return the original suggestion and ask who you think you might find for support?

You got here. That's something. Maybe you should write a lot more about whats happening here.

But also, who might be available in the flesh in blood around you?  Its good to hear you have no suicide thoughts but bad to hear you feel in front of a breakdown.  So if you won't kill yourself because you love your kids, I guess you will find some support?  What is available in your town, city?  Mental health clinic?  Does the place where you got your HIV diagnosis have anyone to talk to?

You know, I feel that in the long run you'll need to learn how to work on connection with adults.  I think having just a partner as the ONLY adult in your life isn't enough to be healthy.  I noticed that as my parents got older, they kept less of a social life with others, and that turned out rather badly.  There should be more people than just family.  

Work is one place, at least.  But of course you can't drag your mental health challenges to coworkers to help. Not always at least. In in some work, never.  

Got to have a friend or two.  Also it takes pressure off of family members, who, by their family role, sometimes cant provide all the support one needs. Certainly children can not give whats needed if a parent is cracking up.  Has to be other people.  

So if you don't have friend of family to turn to, you need some professionals, maybe.  Or a group therapy.

« Last Edit: August 13, 2011, 06:10:52 PM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline mecch

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Re: It Just Gets Harder To Deal With
« Reply #6 on: August 16, 2011, 06:56:14 AM »
How are you doing?  Write again soon I hope.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Theyer

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Re: It Just Gets Harder To Deal With
« Reply #7 on: August 22, 2011, 06:46:50 AM »
Hi as Meech said how are you doing?
Theyer
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline Since2005

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Re: It Just Gets Harder To Deal With
« Reply #8 on: August 22, 2011, 03:25:29 PM »
13th was his last active date in this forum.

Hey ThatsAll, we all are worried about you..

Just so you know you have got us as your friends. I don't have any others friends to talk about my issues besides this forum. So, you are not alone..

I hope you are okay??? Can you write us back saying you are..Wish you all the best!!!!!
« Last Edit: August 22, 2011, 03:28:36 PM by Since2005 »

Offline Andy Velez

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Re: It Just Gets Harder To Deal With
« Reply #9 on: August 24, 2011, 08:26:23 AM »
Hi That's,

Wondering how you and the kids are doing. Bring us up to date some if you will on how things are going.

Best to you.

Andy Velez

Offline ThatsAll

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Re: It Just Gets Harder To Deal With
« Reply #10 on: August 24, 2011, 03:21:07 PM »
Thank you all for showing you care. You don't know what it means to me.
I'm doing well. I 'm dealing with everything as well as I can. I try not to worry so much. My kids and I spend a lot of time together, and that is all I care about. They're doing great. I'm doing great. I have been sleeping like a baby as of late. Reading this forum really lets me know I'm not alone. I thank you all. Hope all of you are doing great as well.

Offline mecch

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Re: It Just Gets Harder To Deal With
« Reply #11 on: August 24, 2011, 03:33:10 PM »
Good to hear from you and the good news too.
Don't be shy around here feel free to communicate.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Theyer

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Re: It Just Gets Harder To Deal With
« Reply #12 on: August 26, 2011, 06:29:28 PM »
Thats great news , I am glad you have gotten over the bump , I look forward to more off your news take care
Theyer
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

Offline Since2005

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Re: It Just Gets Harder To Deal With
« Reply #13 on: August 27, 2011, 10:49:33 PM »
Glad to hear that you are okay. Please consider us as your friends. Take care!!

Offline ThatsAll

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Re: It Just Gets Harder To Deal With
« Reply #14 on: September 07, 2011, 09:19:57 PM »
Good to hear from you and the good news too.
Don't be shy around here feel free to communicate.
Thanks. Not really good news, but life goes on.  My wife hates my guts. I mean she freaking hates me. Never seen anyone consumed by hate that way. It's kind of sad seeing her like that. Freaking HIV. I feel sad every now and then. Sometimes I feel like giving up. But I have to man the fuck up. I had stress and anxiety disorder before the HIV. Nothing is easy. I'm not out of the hole yet. But I am slowly grasping my way out of it. To top it off, she went for her six week check up on Saturday, but has not returned my calls. I just want to know if everything is fine. Which is only making it worst.
Thank you and the rest of the posters for their comments.
« Last Edit: September 07, 2011, 09:22:02 PM by ThatsAll »

Offline spacebarsux

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Re: It Just Gets Harder To Deal With
« Reply #15 on: September 08, 2011, 02:33:52 AM »
I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through.

I hope that when this whole thing blows over your wife will come around to being her old self and things start looking up for you.

Hugs and take care.
« Last Edit: September 08, 2011, 02:51:11 AM by spacebarsux »
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline OneTampa

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Re: It Just Gets Harder To Deal With
« Reply #16 on: September 08, 2011, 08:33:45 AM »
Sorry to hear.  Wishing you the best.
"He is my oldest child. The shy and retiring one over there with the Haitian headdress serving pescaíto frito."

Offline Ann

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Re: It Just Gets Harder To Deal With
« Reply #17 on: September 08, 2011, 09:41:36 AM »
Javier, I had a look through your previous posts to remind myself of what's going on. As the condom break incident happened in early August, her six week check-up is six weeks after the condom break, not six weeks after her last dose of PEP. That means the test will most likely be negative as technically, she's only two weeks into the window period.

If she's still testing negative at six weeks post PEP (and that's the result I'm expecting), that will be an excellent indication that she will continue to test negative out to the end of the three month window period. (Taking PEP extends the window period by four weeks and that is why I said she is technically only two weeks into her window period.)

From what you describe of the condom break incident - it happened after only around ten seconds and you heard the condom pop and immediately withdrew and then she started on PEP - I would not expect her to end up poz from this. Seriously.

Hang in there. I'm willing to bet that if she had any bad news about her check-up, she'd be on the phone right away to give you grief over it. Try to think of this as "no news is good news".

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline ThatsAll

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Re: It Just Gets Harder To Deal With
« Reply #18 on: September 09, 2011, 07:04:50 PM »
Javier, I had a look through your previous posts to remind myself of what's going on. As the condom break incident happened in early August, her six week check-up is six weeks after the condom break, not six weeks after her last dose of PEP. That means the test will most likely be negative as technically, she's only two weeks into the window period.

If she's still testing negative at six weeks post PEP (and that's the result I'm expecting), that will be an excellent indication that she will continue to test negative out to the end of the three month window period. (Taking PEP extends the window period by four weeks and that is why I said she is technically only two weeks into her window period.)

From what you describe of the condom break incident - it happened after only around ten seconds and you heard the condom pop and immediately withdrew and then she started on PEP - I would not expect her to end up poz from this. Seriously.

Hang in there. I'm willing to bet that if she had any bad news about her check-up, she'd be on the phone right away to give you grief over it. Try to think of this as "no news is good news".

Ann
Talked to her last night. So far, everything is well.  I knew about the window period after PEP. Thanks for the heads up, though. The condom break isn't what bothered me, it was the precum that bothered me. I saw a lot of it. After I noticed the break. I hope she's fine in her future tests, for my children's sake. I wouldn't forgive myself if I infected her. I Would never hurt anyone willingly. Everyone has relationship problems, so I kind of feel like a drama queen posting all this. But we all have to vent at times.

I'm dealing with the HIV, I do not have a full time job right now, I'm taking care of my two sons all alone. My mom helps a lot with them, I'm so lucky to have her help me. This is freaking overwhelming. My sons rarely see her. How the fuck do I keep them happy? They want their mom and shes gone. It makes me angry as hell. I'm not like a lot of guys that come here crying and say "I'm afraid I'm going to lose my wife". I can move on without her. I got myself in this predicament, I have to deal with alone. But my kids suffering for it hurts like hell. Not a jab at the guys who come here crying about losing their wife btw, I don't mean to offend.
Sorry for the rant.

Offline Ann

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Re: It Just Gets Harder To Deal With
« Reply #19 on: September 11, 2011, 10:36:16 AM »
Javier, don't apologise for the rant. We're all drama queens from time to time and yes, we all need to vent now and then. Vent as much as you want/need.

Glad to hear you have your mom's support. Hang in there!
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline 7359915653

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Re: It Just Gets Harder To Deal With
« Reply #20 on: November 01, 2011, 12:19:38 AM »
Yes - we are ALL Drama at times and you've most certainly have an audience and supportive ears (lurkers) on this forum.  Please don't give-up.  We all really want you to hang in there and do your best. 

Have you been to the doctor to get your latest results.  I'm worried that fatigue may begin to set in and you begin to feel as if you can't work at this anymore?
05/17/2011 - Dx
VL 2422 copies/ML; 1100 CD4/ waiting on appointment with HIV specialist.
08/31/2011 - <60 copies/ML; 750 CD4/46.4% CD4..
03/29/2012 - <20 copies/ML not detectable; 904 CD4/47.6%

Offline ThatsAll

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Re: It Just Gets Harder To Deal With
« Reply #21 on: November 19, 2011, 07:18:35 AM »
Yes - we are ALL Drama at times and you've most certainly have an audience and supportive ears (lurkers) on this forum.  Please don't give-up.  We all really want you to hang in there and do your best. 

Have you been to the doctor to get your latest results.  I'm worried that fatigue may begin to set in and you begin to feel as if you can't work at this anymore?
Have my next appointment till Feb. I'm never tired. I sleep about three hours every night. Feel great. Thanks for worrying. I did get some good news from the wife, she tested negative in her latest test. Which would be three months from her exposure. That really felt great to me. Such a relief.!
Been trying to keep a positive mindset. But been feeling down lately. Self esteem is down in the gutter. I'm not playing sports, working out anymore. Been deeling really alone. My wife rold me to "hurry up and die already". Felt like someone hitting me in the chest with a bat. Hadn't really heen thinking about death, but ever since that day its been planted in my head. Feel like my mind is going to give at times. I guess I deserve this. At least I feel I do.

Offline Ann

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Re: It Just Gets Harder To Deal With
« Reply #22 on: November 19, 2011, 09:59:09 AM »

My wife rold me to "hurry up and die already". Felt like someone hitting me in the chest with a bat. Hadn't really heen thinking about death, but ever since that day its been planted in my head. Feel like my mind is going to give at times.


Don't give your wife that kind of power over you. If she's the kind of person who would tell someone with an illness something like that - regardless of what the illness is or how they got it - then you're better off without her, and so are your children. What a hateful thing to say!


 I guess I deserve this. At least I feel I do.


NOBODY deserves this, and nobody deserves to be told to hurry up and die. Hiv isn't a punishment for having sex, it's a freaking virus and that's all it is. Just like with your wife, don't give hiv that kind of power over your life.

You sound like a reasonable, caring man. We all need you to stay strong for your kids, be here and teach them the compassion and humanity that your wife lacks. Don't let them learn to be hateful like her.

The best revenge is to be happy. Show your wife - and this damn virus - that you can rise above it and live your life, love your kids, and be happy!!!

Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline TexasPOZ

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Re: It Just Gets Harder To Deal With
« Reply #23 on: November 27, 2011, 04:41:36 AM »
I'm really sorry you're having these problems. I hope things get better for you.

 


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