Quantcast

Subscribe to:
POZ magazine
E-newsletters
Join POZ: Facebook MySpace Twitter Pinterest
Tumblr Google+ Flickr MySpace
POZ Personals
Sign In / Join
Username:
Password:
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
August 22, 2014, 09:56:12 PM

Login with username, password and session length


Members
Stats
  • Total Posts: 635754
  • Total Topics: 48233
  • Online Today: 240
  • Online Ever: 585
  • (January 07, 2014, 02:31:47 PM)
Users Online

Welcome


Welcome to the POZ/AIDSmeds Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, and others concerned about HIV/AIDS.  Click on the links below to browse our various forums; scroll down for a glance at the most recent posts; or join in the conversation yourself by registering on the left side of this page.

Privacy Warning:  Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.

  • The information shared in these forums, by moderators and members, is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between an individual and his/her own physician.

  • All members of these forums are, by default, not considered to be licensed medical providers. If otherwise, users must clearly define themselves as such.

  • Forums members must behave at all times with respect and honesty. Posting guidelines, including time-out and banning policies, have been established by the moderators of these forums. Click here for “Am I Infected?” posting guidelines. Click here for posting guidelines pertaining to all other POZ/AIDSmeds community forums.

  • We ask all forums members to provide references for health/medical/scientific information they provide, when it is not a personal experience being discussed. Please provide hyperlinks with full URLs or full citations of published works not available via the Internet. Additionally, all forums members must post information which are true and correct to their knowledge.

  • Product advertisement—including links; banners; editorial content; and clinical trial, study or survey participation—is strictly prohibited by forums members unless permission has been secured from POZ.

To change forums navigation language settings, click here (members only), Register now

Para cambiar sus preferencias de los foros en español, haz clic aquí (sólo miembros), Regístrate ahora

Finished Reading This? You can collapse this or any other box on this page by clicking the symbol in each box.

Author Topic: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic  (Read 21709 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« on: August 02, 2011, 07:44:05 PM »
Never in million years I have ever thought I would come to this site and actually write about me!! I am glad I am doing that right now. I feel like my back is on the wall. I am writing this and crying... It is actually good. I have been watching this forum for few days now and finally have the guts to come in. When I say if some of you may not have any clue what that meant to me. I will tell you why. I went to a clinic to treat some strange rash on my palm and feet. It turned out that I have got syphilis and lady had asked me if I wanted to test for HIV… I said sure.. since I had tested negative for HIV 6 months prior to that. Now I know why because it was too soon to test at that time. And I did not have sex at all with anyone after the test. So I agreed and test came positive. Never once... never once... I have gone to a different doctor about the HIV since I have got the news back in August/September in 2005. I assumed that I had been infected in Jan/Feb 2005. I have never had unprotected sex prior to that. Only once. it took only once, the guy didn't even ejaculate but I know that had that to be him. who else.. I am not blaming anyone.. It was me who had made that decision and I take sole responsibility for it. I just wish that I was not drunk that day. Again, I don't think of that anymore as it’s been 6 and 1/2 years ago. I was only 29 and 1/2. I am 36 years old now. Can anyone believe that neither have I been tested again for HIV after the first confirmation nor have I gone to seek medical help to treat HIV. It’s all coming back. I believe, I have been super in denial. It actually more that that. See, I am a closeted gay and being South East Asian it doesn't help. The state ( in US) I was studying had such a small community that I could not take myself to a doc to seek help and I have a unique name so unique that in such a small place ( state is not so small but the community is) anyone could see that name in the system would go and say 'huh' is that him? ( some doc from the community  has the access to the sys of big clinic. I thought of going to small clinic like the one tested me but they are not specialized or don’t have the capacity to do that..). Or it could be all in my mind. Basically, I was terrified to go to a doc and give my name and have that in the system for other people to look at it.  One good thing was that I was seeing a counselor right after I was diagnosed and she saved my life and I was able to finish my Master's Degree ( took me 5 years).

So, Here I am now infected with HIV for six and half years now have no idea about my Cd4 count  or the viral load. I have been reading about and getting knowledge about HIV through Internet and my counselor ( I was seeing the first 2 years after the diagnosis) who practically saved my life, helped me get through the first initial trauma. I remember I used to have this consistent chest pain and thought I was going to die ( I am glad I came out of it..). I actually have forgotten about the HIV for a while. I knew its there. Let it be in me.. who cared... Its not hurting me. I have not been sick except few times got fever  and that’s it. I knew I was asymptomatic and it could go for at least 10 years unless of course I get too sick. I didn’t and I was pretty healthy until now. I moved to NYC now after graduation. Now I am one of the many immigrants that don’t have the insurance or the job ( I am currently looking). Recently I got sponsored through a company and hopefully if that’s go through I will be able stay in US few more years. I can’t go back home. I have been living here since I was 21 and don’t think I would ever be able to go back home. Ironically, since I have HIV now I won’t be able to get green card or be a citizen of USA after living almost half of my life already and may be for the rest of my life. I had insurance before while I was going to school  but I didn’t go to doctor then. Now that I moved to NYC,  I feel better and I am okay to see a doc here but no insurance. I know ADAP is my hope and I will do that but there is one problem. I need to disclose my residency to ADAP. There is not a chance in million years, I would do that as I am living with South Asian community and there is no way I would give this address to anyone. But I know I need to seek a doc very soon.  I believe I am becoming more symptomatic and it just started from last month. After from the heavy partying and celebrating for gay pride (Remind you I still a closeted gay and closeted  HIV+)I collapsed from heavy drinking ( Yea I started doing that more since 2005 to act out on my secrets being gay with HIV+). I was sick for a week and I saw a sign of Herpes simplex on my lips ( I knew it’s a sure sign of lower immune system) and I have got better within a week and moved on with my life as usual and this last weekend again after I went out again ( drinking, dancing etc..) I guess my body could not take it anymore like it used to. I started seeing rash on my body. Hives.. ( again another sign of symptomatic of HIV). I took some anti histamines and its gone now. These are the signs of symptomatic HIV. Some say it could be stress induced also. I know now I have to deal with it. I tell you all a secret. My plan was to live as long as I can till I am symptomatic and I had made a plan if I get too sick I will just commit suicide and that will be end of it and I don’t have to go to doc and or deal with HIV. So, couple days ago, when I was dealing with rash , I took bottle of sleeping pills with me and I was like I will take this soon and that will be it. I could not do it. I want to live!!!!!!!! I guess I never wanted to die. It was just a cope out methodology inside my head. I have come a long way. I think I am ready to see a doctor and I want to “reconfirm” for the first time again if in fact I have I HIV.  I am just saying this because I am sure and I know they have confirmed it again through another lab.  I remember and because of that it never occurred to me to go somewhere else. I have accepted that I have HIV and moved on till now….

So, this is my story and I know my thoughts are all over the places as I am very overwhelmed. I guess you could imagine to have this disease for so long and not knowing the progress is kind of hard and actually very hard. I wish I was asymptomatic still  but I know I will get sicker and sicker unless I seek medical help.. I am preparing myself for it.. But tell you after 6 and ½ years it’s not that easy!!!!! I will do it.. I have to work in ADAP insurance and I need do it now before I get too sick….which is probably not far away. I feel very healthy again like I have no disease but its there and its incrementing daily but my immune is fighting the best it can but not sure for how long unless I get help…..For anyone.. don’t advise anything like go see a doc tomorrow.. I know that’s easy to say… but hard to do for me.. I will do it.. since I know its time… just need a few day/weeks/month ..see what happens… I promise I won’t kill myself .. I promise I will work on it.. just need some strengths… opportunity.. I wish I didn’t have to disclose where I live to ADAP .. It would have been so much easier…. I just hope that I don’t get sick again……soon………
« Last Edit: August 03, 2011, 12:43:05 AM by Since2005 »

Offline WillyWump

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,137
  • your ramblings bore Yamaguchi Kitteh
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #1 on: August 02, 2011, 08:21:51 PM »
Why is it that you do not want to give your address to an ADAP counselor? You say it's because it is a South East Asian community in NYC but I'm not understanding why that is a problem.

I'm really worried about your health since you are potentially starting to show signs of your Immune sys crashing.

Clearly you have a lot of things going on, but you need to get in to a doctor right away. I would suggest that you contact an ASO (Aids Services Organization) and talk to one of their intake counselors. Trust me, the counselors there have seen everything and have a wealth of information at their disposal. Perhaps someone knowledgeable about NYC ASO's will be a long in a minute to recommend some places. Otherwise I would Google "NYC Aids Services"

-WIll
POZ since '08

Last Labs-
6/3/14 CD4- 736, UD 34%
6/25/13 CD4- 1036, UD,
2/4/13, CD4 - 489, UD, 28%

Current Meds: Prezista/Epzicom/ Norvir
.

Offline emeraldize

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,343
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #2 on: August 02, 2011, 08:33:10 PM »
Hi Since2005,

I agree with Will. Go visit an ASO. Do whatever you have to do to get your health on track.

If you have to, put it in school terms.  Make it a game---that you intend to win. You're an accomplished student or you would not be here and be in line for sponsorship as well. Use all the academic skills you've acquired.

Pretend it's an HIV internship -- go to the ASO, do the research, make the calls and interviews, and set a deadline for yourself. You know that deadlines motivate.

Get a good night's sleep and start tomorrow. We'll be waiting for an update, okay?

Em

Edited to add: I would also ask the New Yorkers here if they would recommend http://www.gmhc.org/about-us or another ASO(s) to check out to save you time.
« Last Edit: August 02, 2011, 08:44:54 PM by emeraldize »

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #3 on: August 02, 2011, 08:58:27 PM »
Hi Em and Will,

Thanks for the posts. It meant a lot to me! It brings tears into my eyes knowing you guys cares. I can't tell my friends or family. Its unbearable. I am glad I found you guys and the forum. I have been up reading everyone's posts last couple of days. You guys are awesome. Will, giving my address to someone meaning setting a possible reply in the future in case they want to contact me and if someone else get the letter etc. problems that I was thinking. Em.. you are sweet making it sound like a game.. I just wish it was that easy. but you are right I need to make deadline and I need to be really 'Okay' for the job. Thanks guys.. you guys made me cry for good reasons!!!!

Offline WillyWump

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,137
  • your ramblings bore Yamaguchi Kitteh
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #4 on: August 02, 2011, 09:02:32 PM »
Well we are glad you are here, and we are all one big ol (mostly happy) family including you  ;)

Now are you going to try to go talk to an ASO?

POZ since '08

Last Labs-
6/3/14 CD4- 736, UD 34%
6/25/13 CD4- 1036, UD,
2/4/13, CD4 - 489, UD, 28%

Current Meds: Prezista/Epzicom/ Norvir
.

Offline Nestor

  • Member
  • Posts: 430
  • What we love, we shall grow to resemble.
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #5 on: August 02, 2011, 10:02:07 PM »
Edited to add: I would also ask the New Yorkers here if they would recommend http://www.gmhc.org/about-us or another ASO(s) to check out to save you time.


I would definitely recommend GMHC.  It's where I went when I was first diagnosed at the end of 2005, and they were extremely kind and helpful.  They made sure that what needed to get done got done.  Shortly after that I became a patient at Callen-Lorde where I have been ever since, and I would also very strongly recommend simply walking into Callen-Lorde (it's on 18th street near 9th ave.) and asking to speak to someone.  They never turn people away for inability to pay. 

As soon as I went to Callen-Lorde, they did all the necessary tests immediately, even though I had not yet gotten ADAP.  ADAP would pay for everything retroactively up to two months before I  formally got it, they explained.  Unfortunately more than two months passed before I got ADAP, and I was presented with a huge bill for the initial tests.  But I simply explained the problem to them and somehow they took care of it. 

The point is, they did what was necessary immediately, regardless of my circumstances. 

As for your concern about confidentiality, I can say that I have never received anything in the mail either from Callen-Lorde or from ADAP that would in any way indicate to anyone that the contents were HIV-related or even that the sender is a health clinic; I believe there is nothing on the envelopes except for an address.  In fact I very rarely receive any mail from them at all, and I would not be surprised if they were willing—if your need for secrecy is so great—to promise not to send anything in the mail at all. 

Summer 2004--became HIV+
Dec. 2005--found out

Date          CD4    %       VL
Jan. '06    725    25      9,097
Nov. '06    671    34     52,202
Apr. '07    553    30      24,270
Sept. '07  685    27       4,849
Jan. '08    825    29       4,749
Mar. '08    751    30     16,026
Aug. '08    653    30       3,108
Oct. '08     819    28     10,046
Jan '09      547    31     13,000
May '09     645   25        6,478
Aug. '09    688   30      19,571
Nov. '09     641    27       9,598
Feb. '10     638    27       4,480
May '10      687      9    799,000 (CMV)
July '10      600     21      31,000
Nov '10      682     24     15,000
June '11     563    23     210,000 (blasto)
July  '11      530    22      39,000
Aug '11      677     22      21,000
Sept. '12    747     15      14,000

Offline emeraldize

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,343
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #6 on: August 02, 2011, 10:25:52 PM »
Nestor - Thanks so much for affirming gmhc! Nothing like firsthand experience.

And, Since2005, because you're a bright guy and you've been putting this off for so long, that's precisely why I'm encouraging you to redefine it as an academic game -- so you can take the sting out of it. I'm not proposing it's easy -- but if you don't do it -- you know what's going to happen.

You're successful academically and you just have to put this project in the correct scale and the academic language you know.  Have fun with it. And, I mean that. You're going to meet some new people whom Nestor thinks highly of and they're professionals and know how to protect you.

Too bad we can't give you a hug to go with those tears. Reads as if it's tears of relief. A burden shared does not weigh as much, does it?


Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #7 on: August 02, 2011, 10:57:39 PM »
Hi Will, Em and Nester,

You guys are giving me the support that I never had for all these years. Will I will go to see a doctor .. I need some time to work on.. get myself ready... Nester.. Thanks for the info. I had a question for you as it seems that you are not on meds and you had HIV 6 months prior to me.. is that mean you are very healthy..(Congrates..)  which is very promising I was  too up until recently I am still not sure I have got sick because of the stress.. or the immune .. that is the question.. Em, i want to come hug you right now.. These tears are good..I had been trying not to think about HIV for sooooo many years...... Sometimes.. I actually did forget about it.... except I knew I was gonna kill myself one day.. I have past those days. Reality did hit me. So, Yeaa... I need some hugs.. Thank you!!!!!
« Last Edit: August 02, 2011, 10:59:21 PM by Since2005 »

Offline Matty the Damned

  • Member
  • Posts: 12,228
  • Ninja Please
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #8 on: August 03, 2011, 12:04:43 AM »
Why are you still in the closet?

MtD

Offline Miss Philicia

  • Member
  • Posts: 23,995
  • celebrity poster, faker & poser
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #9 on: August 03, 2011, 12:10:26 AM »
You're in the closet yet you go to Gay Pride in NYC?
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #10 on: August 03, 2011, 12:52:43 AM »
I am not going to answer why I am in the closet (That is certainly an issue and I will/am dealing with that). Why did I go to gay pride even though I am in the closet is not the reason I have started this thread…. I am in such an emotional predicament with my HIV issues that I am dealing with which I want to focus on here. Thanks everyone else for you guys informative suggestions, emotional supports which I need the most at this very moment. I love you guys for that!!!!

Offline Matty the Damned

  • Member
  • Posts: 12,228
  • Ninja Please
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #11 on: August 03, 2011, 01:06:34 AM »
I am not going to answer why I am in the closet (That is certainly an issue and I will/am dealing with that). Why did I go to gay pride even though I am in the closet is not the reason I have started this thread…. I am in such an emotional predicament with my HIV issues that I am dealing with which I want to focus on here. Thanks everyone else for you guys informative suggestions, emotional supports which I need the most at this very moment. I love you guys for that!!!!

You mention that you're in the HIV closet as well as the faggot closet. So, these issues are relevant to the thread.

It's my experience that "emotional problems" tend to disappear when you come out. Not just as a fag but as an AIDS victim as well.

MtD

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #12 on: August 03, 2011, 01:50:18 AM »
Why why why?????  Why do I have to live like this?. There are so many times I have wished to be dead… I had wished to be part of plane crash. Even if I die tomorrow, I would not regret anything as long as I could protect my family from shame. I had one issue before. I was gay.now I am gay and HIV poz…double. Huh what to lose…Why can’t I go see a doc? If I go I would be on meds or know my health situation and life would be so much easier no one has to know in my family and I could live like the way I am living now…but why can’t I make myself go to see a doctor. It’s been over more than 6 years now…I can’t take it anymore…. May be it is better to be dead…. No worries……….I hope to not to wake up tomorrow morning. Lot of people die of heart attack during sleep. why can’t I be one of them… whats fun to live? Why do I have to live ? whats in it for me!!!!  I am an educated person.. I always make rational decisions except for this one.. its been SIX+ years…. Long time to deal with.. I am tired… really tired….

Offline buginme2

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,834
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #13 on: August 03, 2011, 01:57:18 AM »
Is that a rhetorical question?

Many people here have given you advice and answered your questions.  You need to see a dr and most likely begin treatment.  If not for your health then for other people you are putting at risk with a potential high viral load.  There really isnt anything else to say.  Get help. See a doctor. Period.  

There is no point to continue postin how horrible things are if you are not willing to take some steps to help yourself.  This is the internet and is not a substitution for in person medical and psychological care.  Sorry if this is blunt but I dont know what it is your asking of people here.

Offline Matty the Damned

  • Member
  • Posts: 12,228
  • Ninja Please
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #14 on: August 03, 2011, 02:00:00 AM »
Why why why?????  Why do I have to live like this?. There are so many times I have wished to be dead… I had wished to be part of plane crash. Even if I die tomorrow, I would not regret anything as long as I could protect my family from shame. I had one issue before. I was gay.now I am gay and HIV poz…double. Huh what to lose…Why can’t I go see a doc? If I go I would be on meds or know my health situation and life would be so much easier no one has to know in my family and I could live like the way I am living now…but why can’t I make myself go to see a doctor. It’s been over more than 6 years now…I can’t take it anymore…. May be it is better to be dead…. No worries……….I hope to not to wake up tomorrow morning. Lot of people die of heart attack during sleep. why can’t I be one of them… whats fun to live? Why do I have to live ? whats in it for me!!!!  I am an educated person.. I always make rational decisions except for this one.. its been SIX+ years…. Long time to deal with.. I am tired… really tired….

Well tap those shoes Dorothy, coz here's some news.

Shame? What fucking shame? Because you're a poof? Because you have HIV?

Where the fuck do you live? Iran? Because unless you live in a place like that, you're verging on the dramatic.

If your family is worth the shit the good Lord shovelled into them, they're gonna love you no matter who or what you are.

And if they can't deal with it, then fuck 'em. They don't deserve you.

The reason you are miserable is because you live under the oppressive weight of your own self loathing. No wonder you feel awful. But it's such an easy thing to fix.

Come out into the light, petal. Live like you want to. :)

MtD

Offline Jeff G

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 11,246
  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #15 on: August 03, 2011, 02:02:51 AM »
I'm sorry you are having such a tough time . If you really are so depressed about your HIV status and the fact you happen to be gay that you want to die then its time to seek help from a psychiatrist or a qualified councilor .

I was never a happy person until I was able to be proud of who I am and that includes excepting the things I couldn't change like my sexuality and my HIV status . It may be hard work but its not like you are the first to have it to do , we all did and lived to tell the tale . Good luck and welcome to the forums .  

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #16 on: August 03, 2011, 02:21:08 AM »
No. I will go see a doctor.. soon.. I am not asking anyone anything buginme. I am here to let out a sigh. let out my worries. I know what needs to be done. I will do that.. Go see a doc .. just need to be 'ready' a bit that's all.. Like 'Em said.. " you know what's gonna happen".. And I know... I have seen some sign of being symptomatic.. I will deal with that.. I will make it happen one day. and it had to be soon. Yes.. Jg. I need to see a counselor I will do that when I go to a clinic.. I need to do that.. otherwise I won't be able to live healthy which I want to do. I have some good interviews coming up soon that I need to focus on. Having to be 'ready' for meds and deal with that is what I am getting ready for. I am ready I think I just need some time and I know it has to be soon!!!!!

Offline buginme2

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,834
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #17 on: August 03, 2011, 02:32:16 AM »
You need time? You've been positie for over 6 years.  You don't need time.  You need to start taking responsibility for yourself.  Grow a pair buddy

Offline Matty the Damned

  • Member
  • Posts: 12,228
  • Ninja Please
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #18 on: August 03, 2011, 02:36:43 AM »
You need time? You've been positie for over 6 years.  You don't need time.  You need to start taking responsibility for yourself.  Grow a pair buddy

As much as I hate to admit it, Bugsy is right.

Harden up, Princess. Whinging will only get you so far, particularly around here.

MtD

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #19 on: August 03, 2011, 02:55:41 AM »
Matyy and Buginme you two are so mean.. I will never ever post anything like that for others specially making comments like that.. May be it was a bad idea coming here after all..

But Again, I have met Em, will, Hester, jg.. I need to focus on the positive.. If I hear any negetive comments I will not be here anymore... I am never mean to others.. why some people are like that.. make rude comments.. Some of you understood my problems.. may not agree with my decision.. but thanks for your support. I am crying right now.. why are some poeple so mean.. I didn't do anything..

Offline Matty the Damned

  • Member
  • Posts: 12,228
  • Ninja Please
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #20 on: August 03, 2011, 03:07:12 AM »
Matyy and Buginme you two are so mean.. I will never ever post anything like that for others specially making comments like that.. May be it was a bad idea coming here after all..

But Again, I have met Em, will, Hester, jg.. I need to focus on the positive.. If I hear any negetive comments I will not be here anymore... I am never mean to others.. why some people are like that.. make rude comments.. Some of you understood my problems.. may not agree with my decision.. but thanks for your support. I am crying right now.. why are some poeple so mean.. I didn't do anything..

Love,

Blub all you want, it's not gonna solve your problems. And if you think I'm mean, wait until you see what the virus has in store for you.

You'll have something to snivel about then, believe me.

So you can do one of two things. You can either sit there with your head in your hands wailing about your predicament and end up going nowhere.

Or you can wake the fuck up to yourself and get on with the serious business of living.

You're a fag. You have AIDS.

Deal with it.

MtD

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #21 on: August 03, 2011, 04:01:36 AM »
Hey I have decided that I will not let myself bother with anyone’s comments (negative ones). So, please stay away from this thread/topic. Otherwise, consider yourselves "ignored". Thanks jg for making compassionate comments. I appreciate it. I have been HIV+ over six 6 years. At the same time, I have taken care of myself over this period of time. I have got my postgraduate degree, I am a very healthy person, I work out regularly and I take care of myself. I am an educated person who makes rational decisions and I will make one on this one soon. Actually, I could have taken Meds but I have never gotten sick. I was always healthy and still I am now until now and I know this is time. I have lived a healthy life without any problems. I am still very healthy but I am WORRIED is all. So, for the ones like Will who wanted to know if I was going to go to a clinic yes I am. Em yes there would be a deadline within a month! I have always been healthy. I have always taken care of myself and I will now again and its time. I could only assume my CD4 may be between 200-500 now or may be even more like Hester (hope so! and thank you for the info.. I will sure check into that..). So, if doc suggests it would be the right time to start. I will. I still may not even have to be on Meds. We will see…As far as coming out with my status to family and friends, I don’t think I could do that (I salute you guys who have come out. and therefore we are able to continue do what we do in this forum). So thank you for that!! Again, any negative comments I will “IGNORE” and positive comments I will cherish. It is like a family. I feel great talking to you guys. I actually I came out to guys didn’t I? So, if I look back, do I want to take anything back, No! I knew what was I doing, I was healthy as a charm I didn’t need help. I am still working out on a regular basis, I eat healthy and take care of myself. If I need help now I will seek one. Of course, I don’t suggest anyone to follow my route, am I okay with my decisions that I have made in the past, yes! I just need to make another one and yes I have got a deadline!!!!
« Last Edit: August 03, 2011, 04:57:00 AM by Since2005 »

Offline spacebarsux

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,350
  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #22 on: August 03, 2011, 08:45:51 AM »
Hi Since 2005, I know Matty and Buginme can come across as abrasive to newcomers not familiar with their style but that’s only cos they talk the truth like it is without sugar-coating it for you. Both of these members are gay and poz too you know- so its not like they get some joy in scolding you (if that’s how you perceive it). They understand your predicament very well.

Would you rather we call a spade a spade or lie to you ?

I totally understand your position and I empathise. I am in India and was diagnosed 6 months ago (so I can understand your cultural context somewhat). I was so fucking afraid of my family finding out- they didn’t know I was gay leave alone my poz status. The stress of hiding it was awful. I was imagining mass hysteria and everyone having a nervous breakdown. Guess what? My family found out by accident anyway! And obviously they were upset – but only because I was poz -not due to me being gay. Yeah, my mom asked me tonnes of questions about my sexuality and I gave her frank answers. And you know something- nothing has changed since they’ve found out. They treat me exactly the same as before. No difference.

Yeah, my mom would rather have me straight, negative and married but this is not about her- its about me owning up to who I am. I have spent far too long trying to be ok with me-to have anyone else take that away.

No one would deny that being in the closet is extremely stifling. One needs to really own up to who and what you are and only then will you be truly happy. Coming out is a slow process, so you need to be OK with you before you start telling others though. Although in your case...it has been far too long!

That said, I totally understand why the cultural angle and makes this is so hard for you. But believe me man, I tell you from experience- you will feel much better the sooner you confront these demons and own up to what you are. You are gay and positive- and you will be for a loooooong time. So what if you like cock? Its not a sin, is it?  I mean, nature made you this way.   Is it better to be proud of who you are or wallow in misery? I am not suggesting you do this overnight, but at least make an effort. As regards disclosing your HIV status, I don’t think any one is suggesting that you have it stamped on your forehead- but it would always useful, to disclose to at least people close to you who may be able to help and provide support. You can’t do this alone! Well may be you can but it will guarantee you a miserable existence.

I think some one on one counselling with a mental health professional would really help in this regard. It certainly helped me makes sense of things.

And you got to remember mate, no matter what you are or what you do, there will always be people who find a reason to hate you- either because of your race, or the way you talk, or your sexual preference or because you’ve picked up this virus. Likewise, there will always be people who love you for who you really are. It is always the right choice to be proud of everything that makes up what you are! 

You got to start by loving yourself first. The shame comes from the OUTSIDE, once you are proud of yourself from within what others say doesnt matter at all!

All the best and sorry if this reads like lecture from a faggot, but that’s what I am ;)
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline Nestor

  • Member
  • Posts: 430
  • What we love, we shall grow to resemble.
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #23 on: August 03, 2011, 09:11:08 AM »
Hi Will, Em and Nester,

You guys are giving me the support that I never had for all these years. Will I will go to see a doctor .. I need some time to work on.. get myself ready... Nester.. Thanks for the info. I had a question for you as it seems that you are not on meds and you had HIV 6 months prior to me.. is that mean you are very healthy..(Congrates..)  which is very promising I was  too up until recently I am still not sure I have got sick because of the stress.. or the immune .. that is the question.. Em, i want to come hug you right now.. These tears are good..I had been trying not to think about HIV for sooooo many years...... Sometimes.. I actually did forget about it.... except I knew I was gonna kill myself one day.. I have past those days. Reality did hit me. So, Yeaa... I need some hugs.. Thank you!!!!!

Hi,

Yes, I have been lucky in being fairly healthy and having stable numbers.  (My recent situation has been a little complicated but I'll talk about that in another thread.)  As you say, you cannot know what is going on until you get tested.  Of course your symptoms could be related to HIV or not.  Just finding out what your numbers are would at least get rid of a lot of the uncertainty and the anxiety that must come with it. 

As for uncertainty: even if you walked into a clinic today, it would still be some time before you got a full picture of your HIV situation.  At Callen-Lorde they try to do a second blood test one month after the first.  This is because there is the occasional odd result and until we get at least two sets of results we cannot know whether the first one is typical or not. In my case the results of the second test were so different from those of the first (wierdly, the viral load was much worse and the percentage much better) that it wasn't until the third set of blood test results that we had much of a clear picture of what my situation was.  On the other hand, even that first set of results will at least give you a general idea of where you are, which should be miles better than being totally in the dark. 

I do not remember why I first went to GMHC and then to Callen-Lorde, and whether there was anything the one did that the other could not have done equally well.  But I would suggest going to both places simply because, in your current state of anxiety, I think simply sitting down face-to-face and talking with live people could be very therapeutic (as well as practically informative) and you can't exactly suffer from getting to much of that. 

Good luck and please keep us informed! 
Summer 2004--became HIV+
Dec. 2005--found out

Date          CD4    %       VL
Jan. '06    725    25      9,097
Nov. '06    671    34     52,202
Apr. '07    553    30      24,270
Sept. '07  685    27       4,849
Jan. '08    825    29       4,749
Mar. '08    751    30     16,026
Aug. '08    653    30       3,108
Oct. '08     819    28     10,046
Jan '09      547    31     13,000
May '09     645   25        6,478
Aug. '09    688   30      19,571
Nov. '09     641    27       9,598
Feb. '10     638    27       4,480
May '10      687      9    799,000 (CMV)
July '10      600     21      31,000
Nov '10      682     24     15,000
June '11     563    23     210,000 (blasto)
July  '11      530    22      39,000
Aug '11      677     22      21,000
Sept. '12    747     15      14,000

Offline TrilbyCowboy

  • Member
  • Posts: 12
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #24 on: August 03, 2011, 02:10:04 PM »
 I have accepted that I have HIV and moved on till now….

I know you are getting the feeling that some posters are "negative" in attitude toward you. Everone needs friends to lift them occassionally, but they also need good friends who are capable of saying what needs to be said. I know you may not believe it, but all of them are offering you support, just in different ways. You need BOTH!

I  am sorry, but reading what you have written, you have not accepted your HIV status after all these years. You are kidding yourself. You would not have been neglecting getting the medical care you really need. Also you would not be allowing yourself to drink excessively and party. You are using that has a way to not completely face your situation. It is so important to get yourself the medical care you should already have been receiving, but you also need to seek someone who can help you with personal support. This group is a great start, but you really also need to find a local support group. My biggest gift was to find a couple of good HIV+ friends, who showed me that if I take care of myself and be proactive in my health care, I can live a fairly healthy normal life. They showed me the right way, while many others have shown me what not to do. I am so very grateful for these influences in my life. Unfortunately though, they cannot do it all. You cannot continual procrastinate and say you are working way up to it. Treatment is a wonderful thing, but it also demands personal responsibility. You have to to adhere to your meds strictly, you need to keep all doctor and lab appointments, and you need to make healthy choices everyday. This will not include excessive drinking and partying. Sorry, it demands personal responsibilty. You say that you are a very responsible person, and if you really are, you will no longer procastinate in doing what you really know you need to be doing. You are worried about people finding out? When you end up extremely ill in the hospital, they are going to know, but then it will be because you are full blown AIDS and not just HIV+. Is that how you really want everyone to find out? Trust me that there are people out there that will help you with living a healthy HIV+ life, but you need to to make the first step and reach out to find them. Please seek that first step, it can truly change everything! Hope to see positive changes in your life in your future postings.

Big HUG ((  ))
Paul

Offline jonsi

  • Member
  • Posts: 32
  • i'd rather dance with you than talk to you
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #25 on: August 03, 2011, 07:11:43 PM »
Quote
You're a fag. You have AIDS.

Just because someone is HIV+ doesn't mean they have AIDS.

He might be a fag, but he doesn't have AIDS until someone qualified says so.
þetta er ágætis byrjun...

Jónsi.

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #26 on: August 03, 2011, 07:19:53 PM »
Hi TrilbyCowboy, Nestor, and spacebarsux,

Thanks for caring!! I know you all are worried about me not knowing the medical status but I am actually doing fine. Before I came to this Forum, I have made the decision that I will go to doctor this year (I was hoping not to get sick so soon. oh well…) and that’s why I moved to NYC, as I will be more comfortable here. Trilby, you may be right I was in denial about HIV status but I think I have come a long way. I actually do accept it now and getting ready to deal with it. At the same time, I was not sick at all in all these years. I was/am still very healthy.  I know that time is nearing soon and I am getting ready for that. Nestor, I did call the clinic and they told me that I have to pay fees unless I am HIV+  and then I could apply for ADAP. Thanks Congress for having this for immigrants! Can you believe what would have happened if this was not available? I have a post office box I will try to use that as my mailing address but they still require physical address and I would have to deal with that. Yes, with ADAP, the lab tests, fees will be covered and hopefully since I live in NYC, I could get that to begin my medical help. Paul you are right saying I need a personal support system. Hopefully one of these days I will be able do so. Actually, I did go to a gay HIV gathering in NYC recently and I felt that I belong there. It did feel good. So, I know what you meant by having that continuous support around me. I do feel that I need to get out and make friends and be open. I hope to continue to work on that and I will make the ‘First’ step. Like I said, before I came to this Forum, I have already made a pack with myself that if I have to deal with symptomatic situation, I would rather deal with Meds as its not visible as such :). Spacebarsux, I think, you of all, would understand very well my situation as you came from almost the same background/culture. I am so proud of you that you came out of the closet and came out open with your HIV status to your family living in India! It blows my mind and I am so happy for you! I don’t think you were giving lectures, you cared and I liked your faggot’s comments (as I am one too!!). I don’t think I will ever be able to tell my family but I could make some close friends and be open with my situation. I like that idea. Before anything, I would need go back to counseling (I have been doing that on and off since my undergrad and that is why I am still alive!) and start going to get a doc! Thanks guys for your all the support as you guys are so caring makes me so emotional and I thank you guys for that!!!
« Last Edit: August 03, 2011, 11:32:03 PM by Since2005 »

Offline emeraldize

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,343
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #27 on: August 03, 2011, 08:25:29 PM »
Hi Since,

I see your post that includes "Nestor, I did call the clinic and they told me that I have to pay fees unless I amd HIV+  and then I could apply for ADAP." 

Did you make an appointment?

Em

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #28 on: August 03, 2011, 10:17:51 PM »
No Em.. Thanks for asking.. They did not have any appointments available this week. They do have a 'walk in' on Saturday for Rapid HIVTesting. Since I don't have any proof that I have the HIV, I would have to take the test, which I want to take anyways. I would not go there this Sat as I have got some other plans. I am not sure which clinic I am going to choose since they do charge fees ( in case ADAP doesn't get approved then I would have to pay for it). I am looking to see if is there any "No Fee" clinic anywhere. I , however, do have a deadline. Thanks again.. I will make it happen.. just not sure when yet. Again, I can't thank you and all  enough for caring!! I have been dealing with this demon  for YEARS...and I know its getting close to fight the fight...
« Last Edit: August 03, 2011, 11:33:32 PM by Since2005 »

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #29 on: August 04, 2011, 02:08:41 PM »
Sometimes, I do wonder though what if I didn't go to a doctor. What if I do wait another 6/7 years? No worries to take meds no problems to deal with HIV. Don't worry, these are just the thoughts. I have been thinking about this for a verrrryyy long time. Only problem is ' I may get sick'. I may not be a LTNP or an 'elite controller' then I would have to see 'those rash' or be sick to death. I hope to pass another 6/7 years without meds. It has been possible by so many people. Taking meds comes with dependencies, which I would hate to embrace. It will be a lot of work..I know so many people here have lived to 'tell me the tale' but everyone is different. Some could handle commitments well better than others. I know I am afraid of commitments in every level. I know I am in denial at times. I know next time I see another 'rash' I will rush to see a doc. I just wish it didn’t happen. It will happen and I need to take care of myself but question is how long can I wait?

Offline emeraldize

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,343
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #30 on: August 04, 2011, 03:35:43 PM »
Dear Since,

All of your conjecture aside, you are factless at present.  In order to know if your dreams can come true, you need a viral load, CD4 and percentage.

We would all like to be able to put off meds for 6-7 years or better yet, forever. Me included! Thank goodness for RapidRod whose story I read early on here. He was FINE and med-free. And this went on for a VERY long time (I forget the number of years) and then, he tanked.

So, despite my sunny little attitude, after seven years and a viral load that never got much above 2,000 at any measured point, I had to face reality as my CD4's were being eroded little by little. So, I started meds. But, it was always RapidRod's experience that I kept in mind as illustration of - there are no guarantees. I was always prepared for the table to turn.

Doesn't matter whether there are no appointments this week, or Saturday walk-ins, or social engagements on your calendar -- if you are serious about making your health and knowledge a priority, then you must figure out what to do. One day of focus on your part will get the process started.

I have a friend who is MENSA-level brilliant -- extraordinary -- but what I've observed is she constructs an airtight argument to eloquently justify every self-destructive behavior she is wedded to completing. It seems to be  a similar path for you.

Words will not get your job done -- only action will. Fear, you are going to learn soon, is a very expensive emotion.

Em

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #31 on: August 04, 2011, 08:18:48 PM »
My life has been wonderful for last seven years. No worries (may be at times.. but not really). No doctor visits, just lived a very normal life. Can you believe to get into a routine where you go to a doctor on a regular basis, worry about your CD4/Viral load count, worry about when to start meds and  to top it off worry about the side effects that come along with it. Actually, can you anyone proof HIV leads to AIDS? No proof. These Med companies are making trillions from HIV/AIDS patients. I personally believe, the pharmaceutical companies could have spent tons of money to find a cure by now but why would they ?They are better off not to find a cure since they are making trillions already from the pills they have in the market. That’s another story. Em, I could be or might be a self destructive to a level but I am making the best of it. No worries to go to doctor or to keep track of the virus. Let it be there. Who cares… The last six or seven years that I have enjoyed its priceless. Lets see, if I go out for a vacation then I would not have to worry to come back to any doc appointments or carry meds around with me. Having said that I know meds are helping others to keep them alive and who I am to say its not worth of taking them. I am just taking here about me. My current situation is worry free and I enjoy every moment of it like I have been for last 6/7 years. I don't want to break that and hopefully may be I won't ever have to go to any doctor and till then live life the fullest the best that I can without worrying about this culprit HIV that is what I dream about sometimes…
« Last Edit: August 04, 2011, 08:52:53 PM by Since2005 »

Offline Miss Philicia

  • Member
  • Posts: 23,995
  • celebrity poster, faker & poser
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #32 on: August 04, 2011, 08:40:27 PM »
Actually, can you anyone proof HIV leads to AIDS?

fascinating
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline Nestor

  • Member
  • Posts: 430
  • What we love, we shall grow to resemble.
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #33 on: August 04, 2011, 08:46:00 PM »



Dear Since,

All of your conjecture aside, you are factless at present.  In order to know if your dreams can come true, you need a viral load, CD4 and percentage.

We would all like to be able to put off meds for 6-7 years or better yet, forever. Me included! Thank goodness for RapidRod whose story I read early on here. He was FINE and med-free. And this went on for a VERY long time (I forget the number of years) and then, he tanked.

So, despite my sunny little attitude, after seven years and a viral load that never got much above 2,000 at any measured point, I had to face reality as my CD4's were being eroded little by little. So, I started meds. But, it was always RapidRod's experience that I kept in mind as illustration of - there are no guarantees. I was always prepared for the table to turn.

Doesn't matter whether there are no appointments this week, or Saturday walk-ins, or social engagements on your calendar -- if you are serious about making your health and knowledge a priority, then you must figure out what to do. One day of focus on your part will get the process started.

I have a friend who is MENSA-level brilliant -- extraordinary -- but what I've observed is she constructs an airtight argument to eloquently justify every self-destructive behavior she is wedded to completing. It seems to be  a similar path for you.

Words will not get your job done -- only action will. Fear, you are going to learn soon, is a very expensive emotion.

Em

Em, I had the exact same experience--hearing RapidRod's story shocked me a great deal, how he was fine and had really great numbers for years and years and then suddenly collapsed all at once.  I even asked my doctor about it at the time, and she said such a case is very rare.  Most people will see a decline bit by bit.  But because of that story I do not think that I will just wander away from getting tested periodically, as I am sometimes tempted to do. 

Summer 2004--became HIV+
Dec. 2005--found out

Date          CD4    %       VL
Jan. '06    725    25      9,097
Nov. '06    671    34     52,202
Apr. '07    553    30      24,270
Sept. '07  685    27       4,849
Jan. '08    825    29       4,749
Mar. '08    751    30     16,026
Aug. '08    653    30       3,108
Oct. '08     819    28     10,046
Jan '09      547    31     13,000
May '09     645   25        6,478
Aug. '09    688   30      19,571
Nov. '09     641    27       9,598
Feb. '10     638    27       4,480
May '10      687      9    799,000 (CMV)
July '10      600     21      31,000
Nov '10      682     24     15,000
June '11     563    23     210,000 (blasto)
July  '11      530    22      39,000
Aug '11      677     22      21,000
Sept. '12    747     15      14,000

Offline Nestor

  • Member
  • Posts: 430
  • What we love, we shall grow to resemble.
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #34 on: August 04, 2011, 08:49:53 PM »
My life has been wonderful for last seven years. No worries (may be at times.. but not really). No doctor visits, just lived a very normal life. Can you believe to get into a routine where you go to a doctor on a regular basis, worry about your CD4/Viral load count, worry about when to start meds and  to top it off worry about the side effects that come along with it. My current situation is worry free...

Since, in some ways I identify with you a lot, but I do not understand the above very clearly.  If it were me, I would worry much more, not less, if I had no idea how many T-cells I had. 
Summer 2004--became HIV+
Dec. 2005--found out

Date          CD4    %       VL
Jan. '06    725    25      9,097
Nov. '06    671    34     52,202
Apr. '07    553    30      24,270
Sept. '07  685    27       4,849
Jan. '08    825    29       4,749
Mar. '08    751    30     16,026
Aug. '08    653    30       3,108
Oct. '08     819    28     10,046
Jan '09      547    31     13,000
May '09     645   25        6,478
Aug. '09    688   30      19,571
Nov. '09     641    27       9,598
Feb. '10     638    27       4,480
May '10      687      9    799,000 (CMV)
July '10      600     21      31,000
Nov '10      682     24     15,000
June '11     563    23     210,000 (blasto)
July  '11      530    22      39,000
Aug '11      677     22      21,000
Sept. '12    747     15      14,000

Offline Jeff G

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 11,246
  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #35 on: August 04, 2011, 08:50:20 PM »
I thought Rock Hudson proved HIV leads to aids , but seriously I'm hoping the OP misspoke with that comment .

Since ... you do know HIV does cause aids don't you ?  

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #36 on: August 04, 2011, 10:09:46 PM »
Jig, I will refrain myself from answering that. There are docs for and against it and trust me I have been reading them all for last seven years. I really don’t care either way or the other. I just accept the fact HIV and AIDS both do exist. In no ways, I would disagree with the contribution that meds have brought to the poz community. I, however, do believe firmly that the pharmaceutical companies are not doing enough research to find the cure for HIV as they are better off not finding it because they are making billions off poz people. Until the ‘patent rights’ is gone, I don’t think we will see ‘any cure’ anytime soon which is very unfortunate. We are so equipped with modern medicine technology it frustrates me to see after 30 years into finding the virus there is still no cure!!

Nestor, the reason I was not worried about much about my status is because I was believing into ’10 year window’ after the infection. Somehow, it worked for me and I was never too sick to worry about it. In my other comments, I talked about my dream going in for another 6/7 years without meds. Realistically, the odds are against me but hope never dies.. right?

Offline emeraldize

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,343
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #37 on: August 04, 2011, 11:03:55 PM »
Em, I had the exact same experience--hearing RapidRod's story shocked me a great deal, how he was fine and had really great numbers for years and years and then suddenly collapsed all at once.  I even asked my doctor about it at the time, and she said such a case is very rare.  Most people will see a decline bit by bit.  But because of that story I do not think that I will just wander away from getting tested periodically, as I am sometimes tempted to do. 
  Thanks for sharing that, Nestor. I'm glad his story had the same effect on you.

Hey Since,
Something's now not adding up about your posts.
Best of luck to you. I hope you get the help you state you need.
Em

Offline le_liseur

  • Member
  • Posts: 133
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #38 on: August 04, 2011, 11:32:10 PM »
Jig, I will refrain myself from answering that. There are docs for and against it and trust me I have been reading them all for last seven years.


HIV causes AIDS, no matter what some so-called 'doctors' might like to believe.

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #39 on: August 05, 2011, 12:21:28 AM »
Em,

You are so sweet!! It brings tears into my eyes knowing you and everyone here in this Forum cares so much! I have a new found family. Thank you for worrying about me. I am just writing my thoughts out is all. I have told you I have a deadline and I hope to follow through with it as I know time is nearing.. After 7 years.. it feels kinda weired to go to a clinic about HIV though. To assure you I will. I will make that first step. I was mentioning my dream about 'what if'as I didn't have to deal with docs, meds, etc for the next 6/7 years. I will have to know my status now. I rather want to kill the virus than protect them. Poor T-Cells.. I feel bad for them. They may need some help after all these years, may need a friend(s). I wish I didn't have to worry about this like past 7 years thats what I was mentioning but it is there and I gotta fight like you, like everyone else here..if I don't take care of myself who will? Life is too short..


Edit to add: Having said that.. I do know that early symptomatic stage could last 2-3 years before it goes into Mid/late sypmptomatic stage and then one goes into the full blown AIDS stage thats the '10 years window period' in average. So, in that sense I do have 2/3 years in hand before I would have to worry about being 'too' sick. Not a bad idea buying into that.. wait till the mid symptomatic stage... bad thoughts may be oh well...thoughts are thoguhts...
« Last Edit: August 05, 2011, 01:40:45 AM by Since2005 »

Offline spacebarsux

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,350
  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #40 on: August 05, 2011, 01:32:31 AM »
Ignorance is Bliss....until you get a whopping dose of AIDS
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 11,455
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #41 on: August 05, 2011, 06:07:47 AM »
So I just read your thread, Since.
Welcome to the forum.

Listen, the general response is that you've gone too long without seeing docs about your HIV infection.
You really don't know anything about your health, only docs and labs are going to tell you where you are, and for that matter where you were for years and where you might be headed if you keep your head in the sand.

Another thing we have noticed is that you go on about how educated you are and your postgraduate blahblah which then, you can recognize is VERY inconsistent with this nonsense you are also talking - questioning HIV's causing AIDS, the drug maker conspiracies, and how maybe you will be the wonderful exception, and so on and so on. Also, its a mark of intelligence to know WHAT YOU DONT KNOW and therefore you are a bit arrogant (and not "educated") to have made all these assumptions about your HIV prognosis without letting experts in on it. You're not expert in these matters.

Another thing.  Whether or not you have insurance - does not matter about seeing a doctor now and getting the current status of things. Since you have been living such a great life these years since the diagnosis, one would imagine you do have a job, insurance, etc.  And, if you don't have one, but you do have your health, diplomas, etc, maybe it is time to put these things in order for your 30's and 40's and make sure your good life can continue as an HIV+ person. You don't want to be a sick person totally dependent on others do you?

The tough love comments - 1) learn about your health 2) accept and deal as a responsible ADULT with being HIV+, and 3) come out of the closet already and deal with any backwash you get, which may not be as big as you expect.  NYC? Please.  Your family?  They will deal, or not, and this won't be in your control and either way, you will be more authentically yourself.

Energy is DRAINING out of you on delusions and avoidances.  Take all your education and good fortune and build something constructive for yourself, your friends and maybe a partner! 

And please PS, with that postgraduate brain, nip that little bit of AIDS denialism you have - its an auto-destructive and intellectually stupid defense mechanism.  

You are refusing to live with HIV as a responsible self-loving person.  Simple as that. So now your smart brain is waking up and pushing you to deal with all this.  

« Last Edit: August 05, 2011, 06:19:38 AM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline spacebarsux

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,350
  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #42 on: August 05, 2011, 07:25:41 AM »
Since2005, I think you are suffering from a severe case of 'denial'. You can hope all you want that you go another 6/7 years without meds or not, but the disease will run its own course regardless.

And by the way, you do know that the '9/10 year' period that you are talking about is an 'average period' to developing AIDS defining illnesses.
 
- you don't even know your cd4 and vl counts! You could be very far from that average patient. Only your labs will tell.
- and why would you want to wait until your immune system is so severely compromised anyway?


And unless you are a LTNP/Elite Controller (and even in their case it's not certain), untreated HIV always causes AIDS.
« Last Edit: August 05, 2011, 07:30:34 AM by spacebarsux »
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline Matty the Damned

  • Member
  • Posts: 12,228
  • Ninja Please
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #43 on: August 06, 2011, 12:51:16 AM »
Just because someone is HIV+ doesn't mean they have AIDS.

He might be a fag, but he doesn't have AIDS until someone qualified says so.

AIDS? HIV? Who the fuck cares?

Not Matty the Damned.

If this forum was some straight laced clinical operation, you might have a point. But it's not and you don't.

Moreover, I'm given to the occasional rhetorical flourish to underline a point.

MtD

Offline scared2b

  • Member
  • Posts: 79
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #44 on: August 06, 2011, 04:55:06 AM »
Hey hun..

I don't think I'm in any position to counsel you since I am depressed out of my mine... I'm 29 and have been diagnosed for just over a week now and I can understand what you have gone through when you were diagnosed... but this past week I've been running from one clinic to another and from one lab to another just to make sure that I can set up a good treatment strategy and be able to live healthy... I actually don't care if I die tomorrow or if I die in 20 years, I just don't want my family to get sad from me passing or I hate to suffer before dying and that is the main reason I used to frequently test for HIV so that if and when I become positive I will be able to fight it head on and early on...

you really need to see a doctor and a councillor and start your treatment which may or may not include medication. But take control of your condition and at the same time you can forget about HIV while it's under your control...

I guess that was my attempt at trying to talk to you... I'm crying every chance I get for this has been the worst week of my life... I'm still in shock and when I go to the doctors and make my appointments I truly feel like I'm sleep walking and these are all some kind of a dream...

hang in there babe...
xoxo

Offline emeraldize

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,343
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #45 on: August 06, 2011, 09:00:40 AM »
I don't think I'm in any position to counsel you since I am depressed out of my mine... I'm 29 and have been diagnosed for just over a week now and I can understand what you have gone through when you were diagnosed... but this past week I've been running from one clinic to another and from one lab to another just to make sure that I can set up a good treatment strategy and be able to live healthy... I actually don't care if I die tomorrow or if I die in 20 years, I just don't want my family to get sad from me passing or I hate to suffer before dying and that is the main reason I used to frequently test for HIV so that if and when I become positive I will be able to fight it head on and early on...

you really need to see a doctor and a councillor and start your treatment which may or may not include medication. But take control of your condition and at the same time you can forget about HIV while it's under your control...
You are in a position to counsel and you gave great advice.

Offline bocker3

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,371
  • You gotta enjoy life......
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #46 on: August 06, 2011, 09:36:53 AM »
I don't even know where to start after reading this thread.

First -- forget the "10 yrs without meds" -- that a stat that doesn't apply to individuals.  I last tested negative in April 2001 -- tested positive in Aug 2005 and had to start meds in Dec 2005.  So.... at most, I had a little over 4 yrs -- I don't know when I was infected, so it could be, and probably was, a shorter time.

You keep saying that you life is "fine" and you "enjoy life" -- this thread clearly proves your life is filled with worry, dread and, let's not forget, a flair for drama.

You don't need to be planning to see a doctor and get your labs done -- you need to get your ass to a doctor NOW and get them done.  My brother is also positive -- he felt "fine" right up until he developed PCP -- he got his first CD4 test then -- it was 50!!!

Stop wasting your precious time coming on here and whining out one side of your mouth, while the other side is singing about the rainbows and butterflies that exist in your life right now.  You are dealing with a virus who's only purpose is to KILL YOU.

I know, I will likely be "ignored" because I'm being "negative" and "mean" -- be that as it may -- what I am being is truthful with you.  That seems to be something that you are struggling with -- being truthful to yourself.

You are sick -- you have HIV -- no matter how your feel, you have a virus that wants to kill you.  So get offline and get down to GMHC today, for walk-in, and start the process of taking control of your life and this virus that you now live with.

And..........  if you even think the, so called doctors, who don't believe HIV casuses AIDS are right; do us all a favor a leave here now.  We've seen enough folks come in here and spout that rubbish -- many are no longer walking this earth.  They found out way too late that, in fact, those "doctors" were simply pulling all that shit straight out of their asses.  Not to mention, as a moderator is sure to say soon, we don't let HIV denialists post in this forum -- they get swiftly banned.

I wish you good luck -- it's all in your hands.  Stop whinning and start doing.

Mike
Atripla - Started 12/05
Reyataz/Norvir - Added 6/06
Labs - Pre-Meds
Sep05 T=350/25% VL98,559
Nov05 288/18%  47,564
Current Labs
May2013 691/31% <20

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #47 on: August 07, 2011, 06:59:29 AM »
Thanks Mecch, Spacebarsux, scared2b, Em, bocker3, for your comments, suggestions. I go back and read all of your threads again and again to help keep me sane. Bokcer (Mike), though your harsh words were hard to swallow  :), I did sense your unselfish caring mind underneath. Thank you for that. I am okay with the positive and negative comments, I was just expecting a little compassion from some at that very difficult moment. Again, my apology, I don’t want to dwell on that and may be I just have to get used to with people who ‘tell as it is’. So, Mtd and Buginme2, I understand if you didn’t care you wouldn’t have made any comments (I may not agree with some e. g. fags and AIDS comment, closeted issues etc.) but I also wanted thank you two for your views and of course caring!

I feel like I have a new family. Em is like my mom/elder sister (sorry not sure about your age but that’s insignificant) who is sweet and caring. Some of you are like my elder brothers who constantly worry about everyone else in the family. Some is like my younger brothers and sisters. Some is like my catty sister (Mtd and Buginme2. its time to get it back!) who cares but are you are confused at times if she does or not though you know she does. Bottom line here is, I found you and you can’t get rid of me, please don’t!

It may seem that I, may be believe in a little bit of HIV/AIDS denialism based on with some of my comments that I made on this thread. I was only pointing out some issues, I wanted to clarify here that I am not a HIV/AIDS denialist. I will consider taking meds (when its necessary and after dealing with commitment issues) in order for me to survive! Me not seeking out the medical help has to do with the possible in denial case of my HIV status, personal issues etc. I probably was justifying my actions in somewhat by reading others view on HIV/AIDS (Correction, when I said docs I meant I documents not doctors...sorry about the confusion). As I stated earlier, as HIV and AIDS they both do exist and meds are necessary to keep people alive by boosting up the immune system and killing the virus to a level. I didn’t seek medical help not because I did believe in HIV/AIDS denialism, but because I have got ‘issues’ and I didn’t want to deal with the doctors/clinic and it seemed easier that way at that time.

Mike, you are right! I needed some time off. I am getting addicted to this site since this is my only means of support right now. Paul (I forgot the screen name) did share his story about the personal support system. I think I would need to do that (building some close personal relationship with people that I would be able to be open about my closeted issues and HIV status). Once I start the medical care process, I will be able to use the other support system. I personally was benefited from counseling (On and off) in the past and its time again! Meech, I, one hundred percent agree when you say “it is time to put these things in order for your 30's and 40's and make sure your good life can continue as an HIV+ person”. I rather want to deal with meds than suffering. Space, you may be right. I may be is/ was suffering from ‘ in denial of HIV status’ though given my cultural dilemma that I am in, I sometime wonder how much that is/was playing the role for me not to seek out medical help. Scared2b, I have been following your threads all along and I am very glad to see you are seeking the medical help and support that you need. I also find the similarity with you as we both got infected around the same age. Trust me, you will get through this. I remember, I used to have chest pain regularly due to anxiety attacks (actually it lasted a while after the testing of HIV) and I thought I was going to die, and then I became severely depressed and did swallow antidepressant pills for a very long time. At that time, counseling helped me tremendously. I am not sure if you are considering that or not but it did help me to get through the initial trauma.

Once again, I thank all of you for your support. It’s been such a great help for me. My burden weighs less, it feels great to talk about feelings, worries and get ideas and suggestions from people who care greatly for each other. I commend you guys for that. Thanks for taking me in!!
« Last Edit: August 07, 2011, 07:52:42 AM by Since2005 »

Offline socalpoz

  • Member
  • Posts: 80
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #48 on: August 07, 2011, 10:27:43 AM »
Nice new post, it sounds its starting to sink in better. 

So now what's the plan when will you be going to the doctor and when will you be getting your blood work done?

All of this worry maybe be for not, and your won't know until you take these steps.

Good luck we are all here for you!
Diagnosed Jan. 22, 2011
feb/11 cd4 547, cd4% 37, vl 527
mar/11 cd4 650, cd4% 37, vl 97
may/11 cd4 698, cd4% 37, vl 303
jul/11 cd4 744, cd4% 39, vl 239
aug/12 cd4 675, cd4% 39, Vl 42
Jun/13 cd4 594, cd4% 38, Vl 1860
Jul/3/13 started Stribild
Aug/13 cd4 758 cd4% 43, vl ??

Offline mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 11,455
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #49 on: August 07, 2011, 06:43:22 PM »
Since,
What are the cultural issues you are dealing with, please.

Oh by the way, when you see the docs and get your current HIV situation, you'll be fine with "commitment" to keep taking advice and doing whats suggested.  I feel that about you - you have basic common sense. It's a "no-brainer" at the end, having HIV these days.  You don't have to get into all the technical stuff, that will all fade when you put your trust in docs, cause its their job!  Your job really is to live life, love, career, and put HIV into the category of another thing to be dealt with.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

 


Terms of Membership for these forums
 

© 2014 Smart + Strong. All Rights Reserved.   terms of use and your privacy
Smart + Strong® is a registered trademark of CDM Publishing, LLC.