Quantcast

Subscribe to:
POZ magazine
E-newsletters
Join POZ: Facebook MySpace Twitter Pinterest
Tumblr Google+ Flickr MySpace
POZ Personals
Sign In / Join
Username:
Password:
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.
April 23, 2014, 02:08:48 PM

Login with username, password and session length


Members
  • Total Members: 22251
  • Latest: dazeel
Stats
  • Total Posts: 621162
  • Total Topics: 46790
  • Online Today: 267
  • Online Ever: 585
  • (January 07, 2014, 02:31:47 PM)
Users Online

Welcome


Welcome to the POZ/AIDSmeds Community Forums, a round-the-clock discussion area for people with HIV/AIDS, their friends/family/caregivers, and others concerned about HIV/AIDS.  Click on the links below to browse our various forums; scroll down for a glance at the most recent posts; or join in the conversation yourself by registering on the left side of this page.

Privacy Warning:  Please realize that these forums are open to all, and are fully searchable via Google and other search engines. If you are HIV positive and disclose this in our forums, then it is almost the same thing as telling the whole world (or at least the World Wide Web). If this concerns you, then do not use a username or avatar that are self-identifying in any way. We do not allow the deletion of anything you post in these forums, so think before you post.

  • The information shared in these forums, by moderators and members, is designed to complement, not replace, the relationship between an individual and his/her own physician.

  • All members of these forums are, by default, not considered to be licensed medical providers. If otherwise, users must clearly define themselves as such.

  • Forums members must behave at all times with respect and honesty. Posting guidelines, including time-out and banning policies, have been established by the moderators of these forums. Click here for “Am I Infected?” posting guidelines. Click here for posting guidelines pertaining to all other POZ/AIDSmeds community forums.

  • We ask all forums members to provide references for health/medical/scientific information they provide, when it is not a personal experience being discussed. Please provide hyperlinks with full URLs or full citations of published works not available via the Internet. Additionally, all forums members must post information which are true and correct to their knowledge.

  • Product advertisement—including links; banners; editorial content; and clinical trial, study or survey participation—is strictly prohibited by forums members unless permission has been secured from POZ.

To change forums navigation language settings, click here (members only), Register now

Para cambiar sus preferencias de los foros en español, haz clic aquí (sólo miembros), Regístrate ahora

Finished Reading This? You can collapse this or any other box on this page by clicking the symbol in each box.

Author Topic: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic  (Read 19882 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« on: August 02, 2011, 07:44:05 PM »
Never in million years I have ever thought I would come to this site and actually write about me!! I am glad I am doing that right now. I feel like my back is on the wall. I am writing this and crying... It is actually good. I have been watching this forum for few days now and finally have the guts to come in. When I say if some of you may not have any clue what that meant to me. I will tell you why. I went to a clinic to treat some strange rash on my palm and feet. It turned out that I have got syphilis and lady had asked me if I wanted to test for HIV… I said sure.. since I had tested negative for HIV 6 months prior to that. Now I know why because it was too soon to test at that time. And I did not have sex at all with anyone after the test. So I agreed and test came positive. Never once... never once... I have gone to a different doctor about the HIV since I have got the news back in August/September in 2005. I assumed that I had been infected in Jan/Feb 2005. I have never had unprotected sex prior to that. Only once. it took only once, the guy didn't even ejaculate but I know that had that to be him. who else.. I am not blaming anyone.. It was me who had made that decision and I take sole responsibility for it. I just wish that I was not drunk that day. Again, I don't think of that anymore as it’s been 6 and 1/2 years ago. I was only 29 and 1/2. I am 36 years old now. Can anyone believe that neither have I been tested again for HIV after the first confirmation nor have I gone to seek medical help to treat HIV. It’s all coming back. I believe, I have been super in denial. It actually more that that. See, I am a closeted gay and being South East Asian it doesn't help. The state ( in US) I was studying had such a small community that I could not take myself to a doc to seek help and I have a unique name so unique that in such a small place ( state is not so small but the community is) anyone could see that name in the system would go and say 'huh' is that him? ( some doc from the community  has the access to the sys of big clinic. I thought of going to small clinic like the one tested me but they are not specialized or don’t have the capacity to do that..). Or it could be all in my mind. Basically, I was terrified to go to a doc and give my name and have that in the system for other people to look at it.  One good thing was that I was seeing a counselor right after I was diagnosed and she saved my life and I was able to finish my Master's Degree ( took me 5 years).

So, Here I am now infected with HIV for six and half years now have no idea about my Cd4 count  or the viral load. I have been reading about and getting knowledge about HIV through Internet and my counselor ( I was seeing the first 2 years after the diagnosis) who practically saved my life, helped me get through the first initial trauma. I remember I used to have this consistent chest pain and thought I was going to die ( I am glad I came out of it..). I actually have forgotten about the HIV for a while. I knew its there. Let it be in me.. who cared... Its not hurting me. I have not been sick except few times got fever  and that’s it. I knew I was asymptomatic and it could go for at least 10 years unless of course I get too sick. I didn’t and I was pretty healthy until now. I moved to NYC now after graduation. Now I am one of the many immigrants that don’t have the insurance or the job ( I am currently looking). Recently I got sponsored through a company and hopefully if that’s go through I will be able stay in US few more years. I can’t go back home. I have been living here since I was 21 and don’t think I would ever be able to go back home. Ironically, since I have HIV now I won’t be able to get green card or be a citizen of USA after living almost half of my life already and may be for the rest of my life. I had insurance before while I was going to school  but I didn’t go to doctor then. Now that I moved to NYC,  I feel better and I am okay to see a doc here but no insurance. I know ADAP is my hope and I will do that but there is one problem. I need to disclose my residency to ADAP. There is not a chance in million years, I would do that as I am living with South Asian community and there is no way I would give this address to anyone. But I know I need to seek a doc very soon.  I believe I am becoming more symptomatic and it just started from last month. After from the heavy partying and celebrating for gay pride (Remind you I still a closeted gay and closeted  HIV+)I collapsed from heavy drinking ( Yea I started doing that more since 2005 to act out on my secrets being gay with HIV+). I was sick for a week and I saw a sign of Herpes simplex on my lips ( I knew it’s a sure sign of lower immune system) and I have got better within a week and moved on with my life as usual and this last weekend again after I went out again ( drinking, dancing etc..) I guess my body could not take it anymore like it used to. I started seeing rash on my body. Hives.. ( again another sign of symptomatic of HIV). I took some anti histamines and its gone now. These are the signs of symptomatic HIV. Some say it could be stress induced also. I know now I have to deal with it. I tell you all a secret. My plan was to live as long as I can till I am symptomatic and I had made a plan if I get too sick I will just commit suicide and that will be end of it and I don’t have to go to doc and or deal with HIV. So, couple days ago, when I was dealing with rash , I took bottle of sleeping pills with me and I was like I will take this soon and that will be it. I could not do it. I want to live!!!!!!!! I guess I never wanted to die. It was just a cope out methodology inside my head. I have come a long way. I think I am ready to see a doctor and I want to “reconfirm” for the first time again if in fact I have I HIV.  I am just saying this because I am sure and I know they have confirmed it again through another lab.  I remember and because of that it never occurred to me to go somewhere else. I have accepted that I have HIV and moved on till now….

So, this is my story and I know my thoughts are all over the places as I am very overwhelmed. I guess you could imagine to have this disease for so long and not knowing the progress is kind of hard and actually very hard. I wish I was asymptomatic still  but I know I will get sicker and sicker unless I seek medical help.. I am preparing myself for it.. But tell you after 6 and ½ years it’s not that easy!!!!! I will do it.. I have to work in ADAP insurance and I need do it now before I get too sick….which is probably not far away. I feel very healthy again like I have no disease but its there and its incrementing daily but my immune is fighting the best it can but not sure for how long unless I get help…..For anyone.. don’t advise anything like go see a doc tomorrow.. I know that’s easy to say… but hard to do for me.. I will do it.. since I know its time… just need a few day/weeks/month ..see what happens… I promise I won’t kill myself .. I promise I will work on it.. just need some strengths… opportunity.. I wish I didn’t have to disclose where I live to ADAP .. It would have been so much easier…. I just hope that I don’t get sick again……soon………
« Last Edit: August 03, 2011, 12:43:05 AM by Since2005 »

Offline WillyWump

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,032
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #1 on: August 02, 2011, 08:21:51 PM »
Why is it that you do not want to give your address to an ADAP counselor? You say it's because it is a South East Asian community in NYC but I'm not understanding why that is a problem.

I'm really worried about your health since you are potentially starting to show signs of your Immune sys crashing.

Clearly you have a lot of things going on, but you need to get in to a doctor right away. I would suggest that you contact an ASO (Aids Services Organization) and talk to one of their intake counselors. Trust me, the counselors there have seen everything and have a wealth of information at their disposal. Perhaps someone knowledgeable about NYC ASO's will be a long in a minute to recommend some places. Otherwise I would Google "NYC Aids Services"

-WIll
POZ since '08

Last Labs-
6/25/13 CD4- 1036, UD,
2/4/13, CD4 - 489, UD, 28%
8/9/12, CD4 not taken, UD.
2/13/12, CD4- 904, UD 42%

Current Meds: Prezista/Epzicom/ Norvir
.

Offline emeraldize

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,271
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #2 on: August 02, 2011, 08:33:10 PM »
Hi Since2005,

I agree with Will. Go visit an ASO. Do whatever you have to do to get your health on track.

If you have to, put it in school terms.  Make it a game---that you intend to win. You're an accomplished student or you would not be here and be in line for sponsorship as well. Use all the academic skills you've acquired.

Pretend it's an HIV internship -- go to the ASO, do the research, make the calls and interviews, and set a deadline for yourself. You know that deadlines motivate.

Get a good night's sleep and start tomorrow. We'll be waiting for an update, okay?

Em

Edited to add: I would also ask the New Yorkers here if they would recommend http://www.gmhc.org/about-us or another ASO(s) to check out to save you time.
« Last Edit: August 02, 2011, 08:44:54 PM by emeraldize »

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #3 on: August 02, 2011, 08:58:27 PM »
Hi Em and Will,

Thanks for the posts. It meant a lot to me! It brings tears into my eyes knowing you guys cares. I can't tell my friends or family. Its unbearable. I am glad I found you guys and the forum. I have been up reading everyone's posts last couple of days. You guys are awesome. Will, giving my address to someone meaning setting a possible reply in the future in case they want to contact me and if someone else get the letter etc. problems that I was thinking. Em.. you are sweet making it sound like a game.. I just wish it was that easy. but you are right I need to make deadline and I need to be really 'Okay' for the job. Thanks guys.. you guys made me cry for good reasons!!!!

Offline WillyWump

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,032
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #4 on: August 02, 2011, 09:02:32 PM »
Well we are glad you are here, and we are all one big ol (mostly happy) family including you  ;)

Now are you going to try to go talk to an ASO?

POZ since '08

Last Labs-
6/25/13 CD4- 1036, UD,
2/4/13, CD4 - 489, UD, 28%
8/9/12, CD4 not taken, UD.
2/13/12, CD4- 904, UD 42%

Current Meds: Prezista/Epzicom/ Norvir
.

Offline Nestor

  • Member
  • Posts: 430
  • What we love, we shall grow to resemble.
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #5 on: August 02, 2011, 10:02:07 PM »
Edited to add: I would also ask the New Yorkers here if they would recommend http://www.gmhc.org/about-us or another ASO(s) to check out to save you time.


I would definitely recommend GMHC.  It's where I went when I was first diagnosed at the end of 2005, and they were extremely kind and helpful.  They made sure that what needed to get done got done.  Shortly after that I became a patient at Callen-Lorde where I have been ever since, and I would also very strongly recommend simply walking into Callen-Lorde (it's on 18th street near 9th ave.) and asking to speak to someone.  They never turn people away for inability to pay. 

As soon as I went to Callen-Lorde, they did all the necessary tests immediately, even though I had not yet gotten ADAP.  ADAP would pay for everything retroactively up to two months before I  formally got it, they explained.  Unfortunately more than two months passed before I got ADAP, and I was presented with a huge bill for the initial tests.  But I simply explained the problem to them and somehow they took care of it. 

The point is, they did what was necessary immediately, regardless of my circumstances. 

As for your concern about confidentiality, I can say that I have never received anything in the mail either from Callen-Lorde or from ADAP that would in any way indicate to anyone that the contents were HIV-related or even that the sender is a health clinic; I believe there is nothing on the envelopes except for an address.  In fact I very rarely receive any mail from them at all, and I would not be surprised if they were willing—if your need for secrecy is so great—to promise not to send anything in the mail at all. 

Summer 2004--became HIV+
Dec. 2005--found out

Date          CD4    %       VL
Jan. '06    725    25      9,097
Nov. '06    671    34     52,202
Apr. '07    553    30      24,270
Sept. '07  685    27       4,849
Jan. '08    825    29       4,749
Mar. '08    751    30     16,026
Aug. '08    653    30       3,108
Oct. '08     819    28     10,046
Jan '09      547    31     13,000
May '09     645   25        6,478
Aug. '09    688   30      19,571
Nov. '09     641    27       9,598
Feb. '10     638    27       4,480
May '10      687      9    799,000 (CMV)
July '10      600     21      31,000
Nov '10      682     24     15,000
June '11     563    23     210,000 (blasto)
July  '11      530    22      39,000
Aug '11      677     22      21,000
Sept. '12    747     15      14,000

Offline emeraldize

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,271
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #6 on: August 02, 2011, 10:25:52 PM »
Nestor - Thanks so much for affirming gmhc! Nothing like firsthand experience.

And, Since2005, because you're a bright guy and you've been putting this off for so long, that's precisely why I'm encouraging you to redefine it as an academic game -- so you can take the sting out of it. I'm not proposing it's easy -- but if you don't do it -- you know what's going to happen.

You're successful academically and you just have to put this project in the correct scale and the academic language you know.  Have fun with it. And, I mean that. You're going to meet some new people whom Nestor thinks highly of and they're professionals and know how to protect you.

Too bad we can't give you a hug to go with those tears. Reads as if it's tears of relief. A burden shared does not weigh as much, does it?


Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #7 on: August 02, 2011, 10:57:39 PM »
Hi Will, Em and Nester,

You guys are giving me the support that I never had for all these years. Will I will go to see a doctor .. I need some time to work on.. get myself ready... Nester.. Thanks for the info. I had a question for you as it seems that you are not on meds and you had HIV 6 months prior to me.. is that mean you are very healthy..(Congrates..)  which is very promising I was  too up until recently I am still not sure I have got sick because of the stress.. or the immune .. that is the question.. Em, i want to come hug you right now.. These tears are good..I had been trying not to think about HIV for sooooo many years...... Sometimes.. I actually did forget about it.... except I knew I was gonna kill myself one day.. I have past those days. Reality did hit me. So, Yeaa... I need some hugs.. Thank you!!!!!
« Last Edit: August 02, 2011, 10:59:21 PM by Since2005 »

Offline Matty the Damned

  • Member
  • Posts: 12,160
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #8 on: August 03, 2011, 12:04:43 AM »
Why are you still in the closet?

MtD

Offline Miss Philicia

  • Member
  • Posts: 23,577
  • celebrity poster, faker & poser
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #9 on: August 03, 2011, 12:10:26 AM »
You're in the closet yet you go to Gay Pride in NYC?
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #10 on: August 03, 2011, 12:52:43 AM »
I am not going to answer why I am in the closet (That is certainly an issue and I will/am dealing with that). Why did I go to gay pride even though I am in the closet is not the reason I have started this thread…. I am in such an emotional predicament with my HIV issues that I am dealing with which I want to focus on here. Thanks everyone else for you guys informative suggestions, emotional supports which I need the most at this very moment. I love you guys for that!!!!

Offline Matty the Damned

  • Member
  • Posts: 12,160
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #11 on: August 03, 2011, 01:06:34 AM »
I am not going to answer why I am in the closet (That is certainly an issue and I will/am dealing with that). Why did I go to gay pride even though I am in the closet is not the reason I have started this thread…. I am in such an emotional predicament with my HIV issues that I am dealing with which I want to focus on here. Thanks everyone else for you guys informative suggestions, emotional supports which I need the most at this very moment. I love you guys for that!!!!

You mention that you're in the HIV closet as well as the faggot closet. So, these issues are relevant to the thread.

It's my experience that "emotional problems" tend to disappear when you come out. Not just as a fag but as an AIDS victim as well.

MtD

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #12 on: August 03, 2011, 01:50:18 AM »
Why why why?????  Why do I have to live like this?. There are so many times I have wished to be dead… I had wished to be part of plane crash. Even if I die tomorrow, I would not regret anything as long as I could protect my family from shame. I had one issue before. I was gay.now I am gay and HIV poz…double. Huh what to lose…Why can’t I go see a doc? If I go I would be on meds or know my health situation and life would be so much easier no one has to know in my family and I could live like the way I am living now…but why can’t I make myself go to see a doctor. It’s been over more than 6 years now…I can’t take it anymore…. May be it is better to be dead…. No worries……….I hope to not to wake up tomorrow morning. Lot of people die of heart attack during sleep. why can’t I be one of them… whats fun to live? Why do I have to live ? whats in it for me!!!!  I am an educated person.. I always make rational decisions except for this one.. its been SIX+ years…. Long time to deal with.. I am tired… really tired….

Online buginme2

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,757
  • Certified Life Coach
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #13 on: August 03, 2011, 01:57:18 AM »
Is that a rhetorical question?

Many people here have given you advice and answered your questions.  You need to see a dr and most likely begin treatment.  If not for your health then for other people you are putting at risk with a potential high viral load.  There really isnt anything else to say.  Get help. See a doctor. Period.  

There is no point to continue postin how horrible things are if you are not willing to take some steps to help yourself.  This is the internet and is not a substitution for in person medical and psychological care.  Sorry if this is blunt but I dont know what it is your asking of people here.
"All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6e0gcEC1TWE

Offline Matty the Damned

  • Member
  • Posts: 12,160
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #14 on: August 03, 2011, 02:00:00 AM »
Why why why?????  Why do I have to live like this?. There are so many times I have wished to be dead… I had wished to be part of plane crash. Even if I die tomorrow, I would not regret anything as long as I could protect my family from shame. I had one issue before. I was gay.now I am gay and HIV poz…double. Huh what to lose…Why can’t I go see a doc? If I go I would be on meds or know my health situation and life would be so much easier no one has to know in my family and I could live like the way I am living now…but why can’t I make myself go to see a doctor. It’s been over more than 6 years now…I can’t take it anymore…. May be it is better to be dead…. No worries……….I hope to not to wake up tomorrow morning. Lot of people die of heart attack during sleep. why can’t I be one of them… whats fun to live? Why do I have to live ? whats in it for me!!!!  I am an educated person.. I always make rational decisions except for this one.. its been SIX+ years…. Long time to deal with.. I am tired… really tired….

Well tap those shoes Dorothy, coz here's some news.

Shame? What fucking shame? Because you're a poof? Because you have HIV?

Where the fuck do you live? Iran? Because unless you live in a place like that, you're verging on the dramatic.

If your family is worth the shit the good Lord shovelled into them, they're gonna love you no matter who or what you are.

And if they can't deal with it, then fuck 'em. They don't deserve you.

The reason you are miserable is because you live under the oppressive weight of your own self loathing. No wonder you feel awful. But it's such an easy thing to fix.

Come out into the light, petal. Live like you want to. :)

MtD

Offline Jeff G

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 9,369
  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #15 on: August 03, 2011, 02:02:51 AM »
I'm sorry you are having such a tough time . If you really are so depressed about your HIV status and the fact you happen to be gay that you want to die then its time to seek help from a psychiatrist or a qualified councilor .

I was never a happy person until I was able to be proud of who I am and that includes excepting the things I couldn't change like my sexuality and my HIV status . It may be hard work but its not like you are the first to have it to do , we all did and lived to tell the tale . Good luck and welcome to the forums .  

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #16 on: August 03, 2011, 02:21:08 AM »
No. I will go see a doctor.. soon.. I am not asking anyone anything buginme. I am here to let out a sigh. let out my worries. I know what needs to be done. I will do that.. Go see a doc .. just need to be 'ready' a bit that's all.. Like 'Em said.. " you know what's gonna happen".. And I know... I have seen some sign of being symptomatic.. I will deal with that.. I will make it happen one day. and it had to be soon. Yes.. Jg. I need to see a counselor I will do that when I go to a clinic.. I need to do that.. otherwise I won't be able to live healthy which I want to do. I have some good interviews coming up soon that I need to focus on. Having to be 'ready' for meds and deal with that is what I am getting ready for. I am ready I think I just need some time and I know it has to be soon!!!!!

Online buginme2

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,757
  • Certified Life Coach
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #17 on: August 03, 2011, 02:32:16 AM »
You need time? You've been positie for over 6 years.  You don't need time.  You need to start taking responsibility for yourself.  Grow a pair buddy
"All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6e0gcEC1TWE

Offline Matty the Damned

  • Member
  • Posts: 12,160
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #18 on: August 03, 2011, 02:36:43 AM »
You need time? You've been positie for over 6 years.  You don't need time.  You need to start taking responsibility for yourself.  Grow a pair buddy

As much as I hate to admit it, Bugsy is right.

Harden up, Princess. Whinging will only get you so far, particularly around here.

MtD

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #19 on: August 03, 2011, 02:55:41 AM »
Matyy and Buginme you two are so mean.. I will never ever post anything like that for others specially making comments like that.. May be it was a bad idea coming here after all..

But Again, I have met Em, will, Hester, jg.. I need to focus on the positive.. If I hear any negetive comments I will not be here anymore... I am never mean to others.. why some people are like that.. make rude comments.. Some of you understood my problems.. may not agree with my decision.. but thanks for your support. I am crying right now.. why are some poeple so mean.. I didn't do anything..

Offline Matty the Damned

  • Member
  • Posts: 12,160
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #20 on: August 03, 2011, 03:07:12 AM »
Matyy and Buginme you two are so mean.. I will never ever post anything like that for others specially making comments like that.. May be it was a bad idea coming here after all..

But Again, I have met Em, will, Hester, jg.. I need to focus on the positive.. If I hear any negetive comments I will not be here anymore... I am never mean to others.. why some people are like that.. make rude comments.. Some of you understood my problems.. may not agree with my decision.. but thanks for your support. I am crying right now.. why are some poeple so mean.. I didn't do anything..

Love,

Blub all you want, it's not gonna solve your problems. And if you think I'm mean, wait until you see what the virus has in store for you.

You'll have something to snivel about then, believe me.

So you can do one of two things. You can either sit there with your head in your hands wailing about your predicament and end up going nowhere.

Or you can wake the fuck up to yourself and get on with the serious business of living.

You're a fag. You have AIDS.

Deal with it.

MtD

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #21 on: August 03, 2011, 04:01:36 AM »
Hey I have decided that I will not let myself bother with anyone’s comments (negative ones). So, please stay away from this thread/topic. Otherwise, consider yourselves "ignored". Thanks jg for making compassionate comments. I appreciate it. I have been HIV+ over six 6 years. At the same time, I have taken care of myself over this period of time. I have got my postgraduate degree, I am a very healthy person, I work out regularly and I take care of myself. I am an educated person who makes rational decisions and I will make one on this one soon. Actually, I could have taken Meds but I have never gotten sick. I was always healthy and still I am now until now and I know this is time. I have lived a healthy life without any problems. I am still very healthy but I am WORRIED is all. So, for the ones like Will who wanted to know if I was going to go to a clinic yes I am. Em yes there would be a deadline within a month! I have always been healthy. I have always taken care of myself and I will now again and its time. I could only assume my CD4 may be between 200-500 now or may be even more like Hester (hope so! and thank you for the info.. I will sure check into that..). So, if doc suggests it would be the right time to start. I will. I still may not even have to be on Meds. We will see…As far as coming out with my status to family and friends, I don’t think I could do that (I salute you guys who have come out. and therefore we are able to continue do what we do in this forum). So thank you for that!! Again, any negative comments I will “IGNORE” and positive comments I will cherish. It is like a family. I feel great talking to you guys. I actually I came out to guys didn’t I? So, if I look back, do I want to take anything back, No! I knew what was I doing, I was healthy as a charm I didn’t need help. I am still working out on a regular basis, I eat healthy and take care of myself. If I need help now I will seek one. Of course, I don’t suggest anyone to follow my route, am I okay with my decisions that I have made in the past, yes! I just need to make another one and yes I have got a deadline!!!!
« Last Edit: August 03, 2011, 04:57:00 AM by Since2005 »

Offline spacebarsux

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,350
  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #22 on: August 03, 2011, 08:45:51 AM »
Hi Since 2005, I know Matty and Buginme can come across as abrasive to newcomers not familiar with their style but that’s only cos they talk the truth like it is without sugar-coating it for you. Both of these members are gay and poz too you know- so its not like they get some joy in scolding you (if that’s how you perceive it). They understand your predicament very well.

Would you rather we call a spade a spade or lie to you ?

I totally understand your position and I empathise. I am in India and was diagnosed 6 months ago (so I can understand your cultural context somewhat). I was so fucking afraid of my family finding out- they didn’t know I was gay leave alone my poz status. The stress of hiding it was awful. I was imagining mass hysteria and everyone having a nervous breakdown. Guess what? My family found out by accident anyway! And obviously they were upset – but only because I was poz -not due to me being gay. Yeah, my mom asked me tonnes of questions about my sexuality and I gave her frank answers. And you know something- nothing has changed since they’ve found out. They treat me exactly the same as before. No difference.

Yeah, my mom would rather have me straight, negative and married but this is not about her- its about me owning up to who I am. I have spent far too long trying to be ok with me-to have anyone else take that away.

No one would deny that being in the closet is extremely stifling. One needs to really own up to who and what you are and only then will you be truly happy. Coming out is a slow process, so you need to be OK with you before you start telling others though. Although in your case...it has been far too long!

That said, I totally understand why the cultural angle and makes this is so hard for you. But believe me man, I tell you from experience- you will feel much better the sooner you confront these demons and own up to what you are. You are gay and positive- and you will be for a loooooong time. So what if you like cock? Its not a sin, is it?  I mean, nature made you this way.   Is it better to be proud of who you are or wallow in misery? I am not suggesting you do this overnight, but at least make an effort. As regards disclosing your HIV status, I don’t think any one is suggesting that you have it stamped on your forehead- but it would always useful, to disclose to at least people close to you who may be able to help and provide support. You can’t do this alone! Well may be you can but it will guarantee you a miserable existence.

I think some one on one counselling with a mental health professional would really help in this regard. It certainly helped me makes sense of things.

And you got to remember mate, no matter what you are or what you do, there will always be people who find a reason to hate you- either because of your race, or the way you talk, or your sexual preference or because you’ve picked up this virus. Likewise, there will always be people who love you for who you really are. It is always the right choice to be proud of everything that makes up what you are! 

You got to start by loving yourself first. The shame comes from the OUTSIDE, once you are proud of yourself from within what others say doesnt matter at all!

All the best and sorry if this reads like lecture from a faggot, but that’s what I am ;)
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline Nestor

  • Member
  • Posts: 430
  • What we love, we shall grow to resemble.
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #23 on: August 03, 2011, 09:11:08 AM »
Hi Will, Em and Nester,

You guys are giving me the support that I never had for all these years. Will I will go to see a doctor .. I need some time to work on.. get myself ready... Nester.. Thanks for the info. I had a question for you as it seems that you are not on meds and you had HIV 6 months prior to me.. is that mean you are very healthy..(Congrates..)  which is very promising I was  too up until recently I am still not sure I have got sick because of the stress.. or the immune .. that is the question.. Em, i want to come hug you right now.. These tears are good..I had been trying not to think about HIV for sooooo many years...... Sometimes.. I actually did forget about it.... except I knew I was gonna kill myself one day.. I have past those days. Reality did hit me. So, Yeaa... I need some hugs.. Thank you!!!!!

Hi,

Yes, I have been lucky in being fairly healthy and having stable numbers.  (My recent situation has been a little complicated but I'll talk about that in another thread.)  As you say, you cannot know what is going on until you get tested.  Of course your symptoms could be related to HIV or not.  Just finding out what your numbers are would at least get rid of a lot of the uncertainty and the anxiety that must come with it. 

As for uncertainty: even if you walked into a clinic today, it would still be some time before you got a full picture of your HIV situation.  At Callen-Lorde they try to do a second blood test one month after the first.  This is because there is the occasional odd result and until we get at least two sets of results we cannot know whether the first one is typical or not. In my case the results of the second test were so different from those of the first (wierdly, the viral load was much worse and the percentage much better) that it wasn't until the third set of blood test results that we had much of a clear picture of what my situation was.  On the other hand, even that first set of results will at least give you a general idea of where you are, which should be miles better than being totally in the dark. 

I do not remember why I first went to GMHC and then to Callen-Lorde, and whether there was anything the one did that the other could not have done equally well.  But I would suggest going to both places simply because, in your current state of anxiety, I think simply sitting down face-to-face and talking with live people could be very therapeutic (as well as practically informative) and you can't exactly suffer from getting to much of that. 

Good luck and please keep us informed! 
Summer 2004--became HIV+
Dec. 2005--found out

Date          CD4    %       VL
Jan. '06    725    25      9,097
Nov. '06    671    34     52,202
Apr. '07    553    30      24,270
Sept. '07  685    27       4,849
Jan. '08    825    29       4,749
Mar. '08    751    30     16,026
Aug. '08    653    30       3,108
Oct. '08     819    28     10,046
Jan '09      547    31     13,000
May '09     645   25        6,478
Aug. '09    688   30      19,571
Nov. '09     641    27       9,598
Feb. '10     638    27       4,480
May '10      687      9    799,000 (CMV)
July '10      600     21      31,000
Nov '10      682     24     15,000
June '11     563    23     210,000 (blasto)
July  '11      530    22      39,000
Aug '11      677     22      21,000
Sept. '12    747     15      14,000

Offline TrilbyCowboy

  • Member
  • Posts: 12
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #24 on: August 03, 2011, 02:10:04 PM »
 I have accepted that I have HIV and moved on till now….

I know you are getting the feeling that some posters are "negative" in attitude toward you. Everone needs friends to lift them occassionally, but they also need good friends who are capable of saying what needs to be said. I know you may not believe it, but all of them are offering you support, just in different ways. You need BOTH!

I  am sorry, but reading what you have written, you have not accepted your HIV status after all these years. You are kidding yourself. You would not have been neglecting getting the medical care you really need. Also you would not be allowing yourself to drink excessively and party. You are using that has a way to not completely face your situation. It is so important to get yourself the medical care you should already have been receiving, but you also need to seek someone who can help you with personal support. This group is a great start, but you really also need to find a local support group. My biggest gift was to find a couple of good HIV+ friends, who showed me that if I take care of myself and be proactive in my health care, I can live a fairly healthy normal life. They showed me the right way, while many others have shown me what not to do. I am so very grateful for these influences in my life. Unfortunately though, they cannot do it all. You cannot continual procrastinate and say you are working way up to it. Treatment is a wonderful thing, but it also demands personal responsibility. You have to to adhere to your meds strictly, you need to keep all doctor and lab appointments, and you need to make healthy choices everyday. This will not include excessive drinking and partying. Sorry, it demands personal responsibilty. You say that you are a very responsible person, and if you really are, you will no longer procastinate in doing what you really know you need to be doing. You are worried about people finding out? When you end up extremely ill in the hospital, they are going to know, but then it will be because you are full blown AIDS and not just HIV+. Is that how you really want everyone to find out? Trust me that there are people out there that will help you with living a healthy HIV+ life, but you need to to make the first step and reach out to find them. Please seek that first step, it can truly change everything! Hope to see positive changes in your life in your future postings.

Big HUG ((  ))
Paul

Offline jonsi

  • Member
  • Posts: 32
  • i'd rather dance with you than talk to you
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #25 on: August 03, 2011, 07:11:43 PM »
Quote
You're a fag. You have AIDS.

Just because someone is HIV+ doesn't mean they have AIDS.

He might be a fag, but he doesn't have AIDS until someone qualified says so.
þetta er ágætis byrjun...

Jónsi.

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #26 on: August 03, 2011, 07:19:53 PM »
Hi TrilbyCowboy, Nestor, and spacebarsux,

Thanks for caring!! I know you all are worried about me not knowing the medical status but I am actually doing fine. Before I came to this Forum, I have made the decision that I will go to doctor this year (I was hoping not to get sick so soon. oh well…) and that’s why I moved to NYC, as I will be more comfortable here. Trilby, you may be right I was in denial about HIV status but I think I have come a long way. I actually do accept it now and getting ready to deal with it. At the same time, I was not sick at all in all these years. I was/am still very healthy.  I know that time is nearing soon and I am getting ready for that. Nestor, I did call the clinic and they told me that I have to pay fees unless I am HIV+  and then I could apply for ADAP. Thanks Congress for having this for immigrants! Can you believe what would have happened if this was not available? I have a post office box I will try to use that as my mailing address but they still require physical address and I would have to deal with that. Yes, with ADAP, the lab tests, fees will be covered and hopefully since I live in NYC, I could get that to begin my medical help. Paul you are right saying I need a personal support system. Hopefully one of these days I will be able do so. Actually, I did go to a gay HIV gathering in NYC recently and I felt that I belong there. It did feel good. So, I know what you meant by having that continuous support around me. I do feel that I need to get out and make friends and be open. I hope to continue to work on that and I will make the ‘First’ step. Like I said, before I came to this Forum, I have already made a pack with myself that if I have to deal with symptomatic situation, I would rather deal with Meds as its not visible as such :). Spacebarsux, I think, you of all, would understand very well my situation as you came from almost the same background/culture. I am so proud of you that you came out of the closet and came out open with your HIV status to your family living in India! It blows my mind and I am so happy for you! I don’t think you were giving lectures, you cared and I liked your faggot’s comments (as I am one too!!). I don’t think I will ever be able to tell my family but I could make some close friends and be open with my situation. I like that idea. Before anything, I would need go back to counseling (I have been doing that on and off since my undergrad and that is why I am still alive!) and start going to get a doc! Thanks guys for your all the support as you guys are so caring makes me so emotional and I thank you guys for that!!!
« Last Edit: August 03, 2011, 11:32:03 PM by Since2005 »

Offline emeraldize

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,271
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #27 on: August 03, 2011, 08:25:29 PM »
Hi Since,

I see your post that includes "Nestor, I did call the clinic and they told me that I have to pay fees unless I amd HIV+  and then I could apply for ADAP." 

Did you make an appointment?

Em

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #28 on: August 03, 2011, 10:17:51 PM »
No Em.. Thanks for asking.. They did not have any appointments available this week. They do have a 'walk in' on Saturday for Rapid HIVTesting. Since I don't have any proof that I have the HIV, I would have to take the test, which I want to take anyways. I would not go there this Sat as I have got some other plans. I am not sure which clinic I am going to choose since they do charge fees ( in case ADAP doesn't get approved then I would have to pay for it). I am looking to see if is there any "No Fee" clinic anywhere. I , however, do have a deadline. Thanks again.. I will make it happen.. just not sure when yet. Again, I can't thank you and all  enough for caring!! I have been dealing with this demon  for YEARS...and I know its getting close to fight the fight...
« Last Edit: August 03, 2011, 11:33:32 PM by Since2005 »

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #29 on: August 04, 2011, 02:08:41 PM »
Sometimes, I do wonder though what if I didn't go to a doctor. What if I do wait another 6/7 years? No worries to take meds no problems to deal with HIV. Don't worry, these are just the thoughts. I have been thinking about this for a verrrryyy long time. Only problem is ' I may get sick'. I may not be a LTNP or an 'elite controller' then I would have to see 'those rash' or be sick to death. I hope to pass another 6/7 years without meds. It has been possible by so many people. Taking meds comes with dependencies, which I would hate to embrace. It will be a lot of work..I know so many people here have lived to 'tell me the tale' but everyone is different. Some could handle commitments well better than others. I know I am afraid of commitments in every level. I know I am in denial at times. I know next time I see another 'rash' I will rush to see a doc. I just wish it didn’t happen. It will happen and I need to take care of myself but question is how long can I wait?

Offline emeraldize

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,271
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #30 on: August 04, 2011, 03:35:43 PM »
Dear Since,

All of your conjecture aside, you are factless at present.  In order to know if your dreams can come true, you need a viral load, CD4 and percentage.

We would all like to be able to put off meds for 6-7 years or better yet, forever. Me included! Thank goodness for RapidRod whose story I read early on here. He was FINE and med-free. And this went on for a VERY long time (I forget the number of years) and then, he tanked.

So, despite my sunny little attitude, after seven years and a viral load that never got much above 2,000 at any measured point, I had to face reality as my CD4's were being eroded little by little. So, I started meds. But, it was always RapidRod's experience that I kept in mind as illustration of - there are no guarantees. I was always prepared for the table to turn.

Doesn't matter whether there are no appointments this week, or Saturday walk-ins, or social engagements on your calendar -- if you are serious about making your health and knowledge a priority, then you must figure out what to do. One day of focus on your part will get the process started.

I have a friend who is MENSA-level brilliant -- extraordinary -- but what I've observed is she constructs an airtight argument to eloquently justify every self-destructive behavior she is wedded to completing. It seems to be  a similar path for you.

Words will not get your job done -- only action will. Fear, you are going to learn soon, is a very expensive emotion.

Em

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #31 on: August 04, 2011, 08:18:48 PM »
My life has been wonderful for last seven years. No worries (may be at times.. but not really). No doctor visits, just lived a very normal life. Can you believe to get into a routine where you go to a doctor on a regular basis, worry about your CD4/Viral load count, worry about when to start meds and  to top it off worry about the side effects that come along with it. Actually, can you anyone proof HIV leads to AIDS? No proof. These Med companies are making trillions from HIV/AIDS patients. I personally believe, the pharmaceutical companies could have spent tons of money to find a cure by now but why would they ?They are better off not to find a cure since they are making trillions already from the pills they have in the market. That’s another story. Em, I could be or might be a self destructive to a level but I am making the best of it. No worries to go to doctor or to keep track of the virus. Let it be there. Who cares… The last six or seven years that I have enjoyed its priceless. Lets see, if I go out for a vacation then I would not have to worry to come back to any doc appointments or carry meds around with me. Having said that I know meds are helping others to keep them alive and who I am to say its not worth of taking them. I am just taking here about me. My current situation is worry free and I enjoy every moment of it like I have been for last 6/7 years. I don't want to break that and hopefully may be I won't ever have to go to any doctor and till then live life the fullest the best that I can without worrying about this culprit HIV that is what I dream about sometimes…
« Last Edit: August 04, 2011, 08:52:53 PM by Since2005 »

Offline Miss Philicia

  • Member
  • Posts: 23,577
  • celebrity poster, faker & poser
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #32 on: August 04, 2011, 08:40:27 PM »
Actually, can you anyone proof HIV leads to AIDS?

fascinating
"I’ve slept with enough men to know that I’m not gay"

Offline Nestor

  • Member
  • Posts: 430
  • What we love, we shall grow to resemble.
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #33 on: August 04, 2011, 08:46:00 PM »



Dear Since,

All of your conjecture aside, you are factless at present.  In order to know if your dreams can come true, you need a viral load, CD4 and percentage.

We would all like to be able to put off meds for 6-7 years or better yet, forever. Me included! Thank goodness for RapidRod whose story I read early on here. He was FINE and med-free. And this went on for a VERY long time (I forget the number of years) and then, he tanked.

So, despite my sunny little attitude, after seven years and a viral load that never got much above 2,000 at any measured point, I had to face reality as my CD4's were being eroded little by little. So, I started meds. But, it was always RapidRod's experience that I kept in mind as illustration of - there are no guarantees. I was always prepared for the table to turn.

Doesn't matter whether there are no appointments this week, or Saturday walk-ins, or social engagements on your calendar -- if you are serious about making your health and knowledge a priority, then you must figure out what to do. One day of focus on your part will get the process started.

I have a friend who is MENSA-level brilliant -- extraordinary -- but what I've observed is she constructs an airtight argument to eloquently justify every self-destructive behavior she is wedded to completing. It seems to be  a similar path for you.

Words will not get your job done -- only action will. Fear, you are going to learn soon, is a very expensive emotion.

Em

Em, I had the exact same experience--hearing RapidRod's story shocked me a great deal, how he was fine and had really great numbers for years and years and then suddenly collapsed all at once.  I even asked my doctor about it at the time, and she said such a case is very rare.  Most people will see a decline bit by bit.  But because of that story I do not think that I will just wander away from getting tested periodically, as I am sometimes tempted to do. 

Summer 2004--became HIV+
Dec. 2005--found out

Date          CD4    %       VL
Jan. '06    725    25      9,097
Nov. '06    671    34     52,202
Apr. '07    553    30      24,270
Sept. '07  685    27       4,849
Jan. '08    825    29       4,749
Mar. '08    751    30     16,026
Aug. '08    653    30       3,108
Oct. '08     819    28     10,046
Jan '09      547    31     13,000
May '09     645   25        6,478
Aug. '09    688   30      19,571
Nov. '09     641    27       9,598
Feb. '10     638    27       4,480
May '10      687      9    799,000 (CMV)
July '10      600     21      31,000
Nov '10      682     24     15,000
June '11     563    23     210,000 (blasto)
July  '11      530    22      39,000
Aug '11      677     22      21,000
Sept. '12    747     15      14,000

Offline Nestor

  • Member
  • Posts: 430
  • What we love, we shall grow to resemble.
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #34 on: August 04, 2011, 08:49:53 PM »
My life has been wonderful for last seven years. No worries (may be at times.. but not really). No doctor visits, just lived a very normal life. Can you believe to get into a routine where you go to a doctor on a regular basis, worry about your CD4/Viral load count, worry about when to start meds and  to top it off worry about the side effects that come along with it. My current situation is worry free...

Since, in some ways I identify with you a lot, but I do not understand the above very clearly.  If it were me, I would worry much more, not less, if I had no idea how many T-cells I had. 
Summer 2004--became HIV+
Dec. 2005--found out

Date          CD4    %       VL
Jan. '06    725    25      9,097
Nov. '06    671    34     52,202
Apr. '07    553    30      24,270
Sept. '07  685    27       4,849
Jan. '08    825    29       4,749
Mar. '08    751    30     16,026
Aug. '08    653    30       3,108
Oct. '08     819    28     10,046
Jan '09      547    31     13,000
May '09     645   25        6,478
Aug. '09    688   30      19,571
Nov. '09     641    27       9,598
Feb. '10     638    27       4,480
May '10      687      9    799,000 (CMV)
July '10      600     21      31,000
Nov '10      682     24     15,000
June '11     563    23     210,000 (blasto)
July  '11      530    22      39,000
Aug '11      677     22      21,000
Sept. '12    747     15      14,000

Offline Jeff G

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 9,369
  • How am I doing Beren ?
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #35 on: August 04, 2011, 08:50:20 PM »
I thought Rock Hudson proved HIV leads to aids , but seriously I'm hoping the OP misspoke with that comment .

Since ... you do know HIV does cause aids don't you ?  

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #36 on: August 04, 2011, 10:09:46 PM »
Jig, I will refrain myself from answering that. There are docs for and against it and trust me I have been reading them all for last seven years. I really don’t care either way or the other. I just accept the fact HIV and AIDS both do exist. In no ways, I would disagree with the contribution that meds have brought to the poz community. I, however, do believe firmly that the pharmaceutical companies are not doing enough research to find the cure for HIV as they are better off not finding it because they are making billions off poz people. Until the ‘patent rights’ is gone, I don’t think we will see ‘any cure’ anytime soon which is very unfortunate. We are so equipped with modern medicine technology it frustrates me to see after 30 years into finding the virus there is still no cure!!

Nestor, the reason I was not worried about much about my status is because I was believing into ’10 year window’ after the infection. Somehow, it worked for me and I was never too sick to worry about it. In my other comments, I talked about my dream going in for another 6/7 years without meds. Realistically, the odds are against me but hope never dies.. right?

Offline emeraldize

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,271
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #37 on: August 04, 2011, 11:03:55 PM »
Em, I had the exact same experience--hearing RapidRod's story shocked me a great deal, how he was fine and had really great numbers for years and years and then suddenly collapsed all at once.  I even asked my doctor about it at the time, and she said such a case is very rare.  Most people will see a decline bit by bit.  But because of that story I do not think that I will just wander away from getting tested periodically, as I am sometimes tempted to do. 
  Thanks for sharing that, Nestor. I'm glad his story had the same effect on you.

Hey Since,
Something's now not adding up about your posts.
Best of luck to you. I hope you get the help you state you need.
Em

Offline le_liseur

  • Member
  • Posts: 119
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #38 on: August 04, 2011, 11:32:10 PM »
Jig, I will refrain myself from answering that. There are docs for and against it and trust me I have been reading them all for last seven years.


HIV causes AIDS, no matter what some so-called 'doctors' might like to believe.

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #39 on: August 05, 2011, 12:21:28 AM »
Em,

You are so sweet!! It brings tears into my eyes knowing you and everyone here in this Forum cares so much! I have a new found family. Thank you for worrying about me. I am just writing my thoughts out is all. I have told you I have a deadline and I hope to follow through with it as I know time is nearing.. After 7 years.. it feels kinda weired to go to a clinic about HIV though. To assure you I will. I will make that first step. I was mentioning my dream about 'what if'as I didn't have to deal with docs, meds, etc for the next 6/7 years. I will have to know my status now. I rather want to kill the virus than protect them. Poor T-Cells.. I feel bad for them. They may need some help after all these years, may need a friend(s). I wish I didn't have to worry about this like past 7 years thats what I was mentioning but it is there and I gotta fight like you, like everyone else here..if I don't take care of myself who will? Life is too short..


Edit to add: Having said that.. I do know that early symptomatic stage could last 2-3 years before it goes into Mid/late sypmptomatic stage and then one goes into the full blown AIDS stage thats the '10 years window period' in average. So, in that sense I do have 2/3 years in hand before I would have to worry about being 'too' sick. Not a bad idea buying into that.. wait till the mid symptomatic stage... bad thoughts may be oh well...thoughts are thoguhts...
« Last Edit: August 05, 2011, 01:40:45 AM by Since2005 »

Offline spacebarsux

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,350
  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #40 on: August 05, 2011, 01:32:31 AM »
Ignorance is Bliss....until you get a whopping dose of AIDS
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Online mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 10,763
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #41 on: August 05, 2011, 06:07:47 AM »
So I just read your thread, Since.
Welcome to the forum.

Listen, the general response is that you've gone too long without seeing docs about your HIV infection.
You really don't know anything about your health, only docs and labs are going to tell you where you are, and for that matter where you were for years and where you might be headed if you keep your head in the sand.

Another thing we have noticed is that you go on about how educated you are and your postgraduate blahblah which then, you can recognize is VERY inconsistent with this nonsense you are also talking - questioning HIV's causing AIDS, the drug maker conspiracies, and how maybe you will be the wonderful exception, and so on and so on. Also, its a mark of intelligence to know WHAT YOU DONT KNOW and therefore you are a bit arrogant (and not "educated") to have made all these assumptions about your HIV prognosis without letting experts in on it. You're not expert in these matters.

Another thing.  Whether or not you have insurance - does not matter about seeing a doctor now and getting the current status of things. Since you have been living such a great life these years since the diagnosis, one would imagine you do have a job, insurance, etc.  And, if you don't have one, but you do have your health, diplomas, etc, maybe it is time to put these things in order for your 30's and 40's and make sure your good life can continue as an HIV+ person. You don't want to be a sick person totally dependent on others do you?

The tough love comments - 1) learn about your health 2) accept and deal as a responsible ADULT with being HIV+, and 3) come out of the closet already and deal with any backwash you get, which may not be as big as you expect.  NYC? Please.  Your family?  They will deal, or not, and this won't be in your control and either way, you will be more authentically yourself.

Energy is DRAINING out of you on delusions and avoidances.  Take all your education and good fortune and build something constructive for yourself, your friends and maybe a partner! 

And please PS, with that postgraduate brain, nip that little bit of AIDS denialism you have - its an auto-destructive and intellectually stupid defense mechanism.  

You are refusing to live with HIV as a responsible self-loving person.  Simple as that. So now your smart brain is waking up and pushing you to deal with all this.  

« Last Edit: August 05, 2011, 06:19:38 AM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline spacebarsux

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,350
  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #42 on: August 05, 2011, 07:25:41 AM »
Since2005, I think you are suffering from a severe case of 'denial'. You can hope all you want that you go another 6/7 years without meds or not, but the disease will run its own course regardless.

And by the way, you do know that the '9/10 year' period that you are talking about is an 'average period' to developing AIDS defining illnesses.
 
- you don't even know your cd4 and vl counts! You could be very far from that average patient. Only your labs will tell.
- and why would you want to wait until your immune system is so severely compromised anyway?


And unless you are a LTNP/Elite Controller (and even in their case it's not certain), untreated HIV always causes AIDS.
« Last Edit: August 05, 2011, 07:30:34 AM by spacebarsux »
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline Matty the Damned

  • Member
  • Posts: 12,160
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #43 on: August 06, 2011, 12:51:16 AM »
Just because someone is HIV+ doesn't mean they have AIDS.

He might be a fag, but he doesn't have AIDS until someone qualified says so.

AIDS? HIV? Who the fuck cares?

Not Matty the Damned.

If this forum was some straight laced clinical operation, you might have a point. But it's not and you don't.

Moreover, I'm given to the occasional rhetorical flourish to underline a point.

MtD

Offline scared2b

  • Member
  • Posts: 79
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #44 on: August 06, 2011, 04:55:06 AM »
Hey hun..

I don't think I'm in any position to counsel you since I am depressed out of my mine... I'm 29 and have been diagnosed for just over a week now and I can understand what you have gone through when you were diagnosed... but this past week I've been running from one clinic to another and from one lab to another just to make sure that I can set up a good treatment strategy and be able to live healthy... I actually don't care if I die tomorrow or if I die in 20 years, I just don't want my family to get sad from me passing or I hate to suffer before dying and that is the main reason I used to frequently test for HIV so that if and when I become positive I will be able to fight it head on and early on...

you really need to see a doctor and a councillor and start your treatment which may or may not include medication. But take control of your condition and at the same time you can forget about HIV while it's under your control...

I guess that was my attempt at trying to talk to you... I'm crying every chance I get for this has been the worst week of my life... I'm still in shock and when I go to the doctors and make my appointments I truly feel like I'm sleep walking and these are all some kind of a dream...

hang in there babe...
xoxo

Offline emeraldize

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,271
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #45 on: August 06, 2011, 09:00:40 AM »
I don't think I'm in any position to counsel you since I am depressed out of my mine... I'm 29 and have been diagnosed for just over a week now and I can understand what you have gone through when you were diagnosed... but this past week I've been running from one clinic to another and from one lab to another just to make sure that I can set up a good treatment strategy and be able to live healthy... I actually don't care if I die tomorrow or if I die in 20 years, I just don't want my family to get sad from me passing or I hate to suffer before dying and that is the main reason I used to frequently test for HIV so that if and when I become positive I will be able to fight it head on and early on...

you really need to see a doctor and a councillor and start your treatment which may or may not include medication. But take control of your condition and at the same time you can forget about HIV while it's under your control...
You are in a position to counsel and you gave great advice.

Offline bocker3

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,265
  • You gotta enjoy life......
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #46 on: August 06, 2011, 09:36:53 AM »
I don't even know where to start after reading this thread.

First -- forget the "10 yrs without meds" -- that a stat that doesn't apply to individuals.  I last tested negative in April 2001 -- tested positive in Aug 2005 and had to start meds in Dec 2005.  So.... at most, I had a little over 4 yrs -- I don't know when I was infected, so it could be, and probably was, a shorter time.

You keep saying that you life is "fine" and you "enjoy life" -- this thread clearly proves your life is filled with worry, dread and, let's not forget, a flair for drama.

You don't need to be planning to see a doctor and get your labs done -- you need to get your ass to a doctor NOW and get them done.  My brother is also positive -- he felt "fine" right up until he developed PCP -- he got his first CD4 test then -- it was 50!!!

Stop wasting your precious time coming on here and whining out one side of your mouth, while the other side is singing about the rainbows and butterflies that exist in your life right now.  You are dealing with a virus who's only purpose is to KILL YOU.

I know, I will likely be "ignored" because I'm being "negative" and "mean" -- be that as it may -- what I am being is truthful with you.  That seems to be something that you are struggling with -- being truthful to yourself.

You are sick -- you have HIV -- no matter how your feel, you have a virus that wants to kill you.  So get offline and get down to GMHC today, for walk-in, and start the process of taking control of your life and this virus that you now live with.

And..........  if you even think the, so called doctors, who don't believe HIV casuses AIDS are right; do us all a favor a leave here now.  We've seen enough folks come in here and spout that rubbish -- many are no longer walking this earth.  They found out way too late that, in fact, those "doctors" were simply pulling all that shit straight out of their asses.  Not to mention, as a moderator is sure to say soon, we don't let HIV denialists post in this forum -- they get swiftly banned.

I wish you good luck -- it's all in your hands.  Stop whinning and start doing.

Mike
Atripla - Started 12/05
Reyataz/Norvir - Added 6/06
Labs - Pre-Meds
Sep05 T=350/25% VL98,559
Nov05 288/18%  47,564
Current Labs
May2013 691/31% <20

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #47 on: August 07, 2011, 06:59:29 AM »
Thanks Mecch, Spacebarsux, scared2b, Em, bocker3, for your comments, suggestions. I go back and read all of your threads again and again to help keep me sane. Bokcer (Mike), though your harsh words were hard to swallow  :), I did sense your unselfish caring mind underneath. Thank you for that. I am okay with the positive and negative comments, I was just expecting a little compassion from some at that very difficult moment. Again, my apology, I don’t want to dwell on that and may be I just have to get used to with people who ‘tell as it is’. So, Mtd and Buginme2, I understand if you didn’t care you wouldn’t have made any comments (I may not agree with some e. g. fags and AIDS comment, closeted issues etc.) but I also wanted thank you two for your views and of course caring!

I feel like I have a new family. Em is like my mom/elder sister (sorry not sure about your age but that’s insignificant) who is sweet and caring. Some of you are like my elder brothers who constantly worry about everyone else in the family. Some is like my younger brothers and sisters. Some is like my catty sister (Mtd and Buginme2. its time to get it back!) who cares but are you are confused at times if she does or not though you know she does. Bottom line here is, I found you and you can’t get rid of me, please don’t!

It may seem that I, may be believe in a little bit of HIV/AIDS denialism based on with some of my comments that I made on this thread. I was only pointing out some issues, I wanted to clarify here that I am not a HIV/AIDS denialist. I will consider taking meds (when its necessary and after dealing with commitment issues) in order for me to survive! Me not seeking out the medical help has to do with the possible in denial case of my HIV status, personal issues etc. I probably was justifying my actions in somewhat by reading others view on HIV/AIDS (Correction, when I said docs I meant I documents not doctors...sorry about the confusion). As I stated earlier, as HIV and AIDS they both do exist and meds are necessary to keep people alive by boosting up the immune system and killing the virus to a level. I didn’t seek medical help not because I did believe in HIV/AIDS denialism, but because I have got ‘issues’ and I didn’t want to deal with the doctors/clinic and it seemed easier that way at that time.

Mike, you are right! I needed some time off. I am getting addicted to this site since this is my only means of support right now. Paul (I forgot the screen name) did share his story about the personal support system. I think I would need to do that (building some close personal relationship with people that I would be able to be open about my closeted issues and HIV status). Once I start the medical care process, I will be able to use the other support system. I personally was benefited from counseling (On and off) in the past and its time again! Meech, I, one hundred percent agree when you say “it is time to put these things in order for your 30's and 40's and make sure your good life can continue as an HIV+ person”. I rather want to deal with meds than suffering. Space, you may be right. I may be is/ was suffering from ‘ in denial of HIV status’ though given my cultural dilemma that I am in, I sometime wonder how much that is/was playing the role for me not to seek out medical help. Scared2b, I have been following your threads all along and I am very glad to see you are seeking the medical help and support that you need. I also find the similarity with you as we both got infected around the same age. Trust me, you will get through this. I remember, I used to have chest pain regularly due to anxiety attacks (actually it lasted a while after the testing of HIV) and I thought I was going to die, and then I became severely depressed and did swallow antidepressant pills for a very long time. At that time, counseling helped me tremendously. I am not sure if you are considering that or not but it did help me to get through the initial trauma.

Once again, I thank all of you for your support. It’s been such a great help for me. My burden weighs less, it feels great to talk about feelings, worries and get ideas and suggestions from people who care greatly for each other. I commend you guys for that. Thanks for taking me in!!
« Last Edit: August 07, 2011, 07:52:42 AM by Since2005 »

Offline socalpoz

  • Member
  • Posts: 80
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #48 on: August 07, 2011, 10:27:43 AM »
Nice new post, it sounds its starting to sink in better. 

So now what's the plan when will you be going to the doctor and when will you be getting your blood work done?

All of this worry maybe be for not, and your won't know until you take these steps.

Good luck we are all here for you!
Diagnosed Jan. 22, 2011
feb/11 cd4 547, cd4% 37, vl 527
mar/11 cd4 650, cd4% 37, vl 97
may/11 cd4 698, cd4% 37, vl 303
jul/11 cd4 744, cd4% 39, vl 239
aug/12 cd4 675, cd4% 39, Vl 42
Jun/13 cd4 594, cd4% 38, Vl 1860
Jul/3/13 started Stribild
Aug/13 cd4 758 cd4% 43, vl ??

Online mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 10,763
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #49 on: August 07, 2011, 06:43:22 PM »
Since,
What are the cultural issues you are dealing with, please.

Oh by the way, when you see the docs and get your current HIV situation, you'll be fine with "commitment" to keep taking advice and doing whats suggested.  I feel that about you - you have basic common sense. It's a "no-brainer" at the end, having HIV these days.  You don't have to get into all the technical stuff, that will all fade when you put your trust in docs, cause its their job!  Your job really is to live life, love, career, and put HIV into the category of another thing to be dealt with.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #50 on: August 08, 2011, 07:30:16 PM »
Hi,

Socal, I have a plan and a deadline (week/month). I know its needs to be done. So, deadline might help. I am looking into clinics at this point and hopefully will be able to move forward with this and put all THESE ISSUES behind. I know you guys are here for me and I am here for you also! As a starter, its good support system. Though I mention earlier that I will go and start the medical process even before I came here, this Forum has been making me feel better and I feel at ease doing so.

Meech, Thanks for asking about my cultural issues that I deal with. I am not sure if I want to share everything online with everyone else, as some things are just so personal that I will live that up to the counselor to guide me through with it. I will tell you this, if my whole family were living in USA/any Western countries, I would have come out in a heartbeat. See, where I come from, people live in a society where they sort of co-exist and everyone is on everyone’s business. If someone finds out about my situation, they will look down at my family. It is so different than US or western countries that sometimes even its very hard to even imagine. I will give you an example just to get a little bit of understanding. All members of my family got married through “Arranged Marriage”. Family status means everything. There is a possibly that no one will be marrying into my family because of me (If they find out about the HIV and gay etc.). I hope it never happens but there is always a chance. I will never let that happen. I did not want to be the sole cause for any harm to my family. I wish my whole family were living here in US or any Western Countries where they did not have to deal the “ South Asian Society”. Where I come from people live as a whole, not individually. People don’t have sex until they are married which happens usually in their late twenties and thirties and then go for arrange marriage (They have tried that with me already and I said ‘NO’ and they kind of gave up on it and it’s a relief on that issue for now). I myself did not even have any sex till I was 23 and its okay and normal. I came from where guys hold their hands and no one question about their sexuality and they are not gay (well may be some) but point is it’s the norm and it’s different than US and Western countries. I love my family and they love me back but they live in a society where if anyone finds out they will be looked down at and how in the world would I even let that happen. I could never do that. Trust me they do not live in a village, they live in a big city and are very educated but live in a different world with a different society. I thought I wouldn’t tell you all but I did a share a bit. I hope that explains my ‘cultural dilemma’.  I have come to except myself being gay (I am still closeted but I have come far with that) and I accept my HIV status (when I take my family out of the equation). I thought I would rather die than tell. See, I want to live now! I guess I always have. I have to find a balance between my family and me and that’s what I will work on and try to live my life the fullest with my given situation. My family deserves the same. I would have to tell you one thing, I have changed as I have been living in USA since I was twenty 21 and my values has changed and its way different than my family and based my current changed values and morals, I accept myself fully. All I wanted to do is protect my family, which I have been doing for a long time. Well, I also know I need to protect myself since I am running out of the precious time for being HIV+. So, I dreamed about being ‘elite controller’ not because of me but because of my family. If I am not that lucky then, the option that I have is to deal with meds/doctors/clinic, be dead, or get exposed to being full-blown AIDS. I think first one is my best option though I think I am at risk of hurting my family at some point but I don’t have any more choice left. I have waited long enough. It might seem very odd about what I just explained about my cultural issues to some of you, but it is what it is.

I hope I was able to explain a little bit. Think about a situation where you could see yourself how a HIV- person would NEVER be able to understand FULLY what HIV+ go through. Same here, if you are not from a culture, it might seem odd, you may not understand fully, you may think these are my excuses and I understand because you are not part of the same culture as mine. I have to deal with this ‘cultural dilemma’ and I want to do that without hurting my family and myself.
« Last Edit: August 08, 2011, 07:47:22 PM by Since2005 »

Offline LM

  • Member
  • Posts: 409
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #51 on: August 08, 2011, 09:05:21 PM »
Well, whatever choice you make regarding your family and stuff, I think it's easier to hide your status while healthy than while sick in a hospital bed. Not only that, but I think any family would prefer their son living with AIDS than a son who died of AIDS. So you see, anyway you look, getting treated is better. I don't really understand the "address" problem so well, but I'm sure you can manage it and it shouldn't be that much of a problem for you. Looking forward to hearing you went to the clinic and found out your first numbers.

Offline Raf

  • Member
  • Posts: 248
  • Bald by choice
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #52 on: August 08, 2011, 11:20:38 PM »
Just don't wait too long to treat yourself Since, a full blown Aids diagnosis and a hospital stay will expose you completely. I didn't had the choice to "hide" my HIV status to my family, because when I knew it I had a nice wasting syndrome and molluscus contagious OI over me... my mom were besides me when I received the diagnosis. I have to admit that her reaction surprised me, I was expecting being kicked off the house, and instead of that, she was the reason I endured that horrible time.

Now regarding being out of the closet or not...I won't give you any advice, because I'm still on the frigging closet like you, and I don't have plans on the near future to get out. But let me tell you something, if you handle things carefully, you don't have to disclose your HIV status AND being gay at the same time.
Dx: 05/14/2008
Latest HIV Meds combo I've been taking:

Kaletra + Combivir (since 05/16/2008 - today)

Offline spacebarsux

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,350
  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #53 on: August 09, 2011, 03:10:09 AM »
Hi Since2005, I just read your post about cultural differences.

I understand where you're coming from but I think you're letting your imagination run a bit wild. At the end of the day, which ever culture ones comes from dealing with coming out of the Gay closet and the HIV closet are big issues. Even though it may be very hard for your parents to comprehend, and they will be shocked to learn about it in the beginning, at the end of the day, they will be there for you because you are their son and they want nothing more than to see you happy and healthy.  That is their raison d'etre.

You also need to realise that it is neither practical nor possible to keep a secret like this forever. Sooner or later your family will find out. Would you rather be in control of the situation and tell them on your terms or have them find out by a third source? Cos you know, this kind of shit totally happens.

Give it a hard think. Don't make yourself promises that are not only likely to harm your mental state and your health (as is evident) but also do not serve the purpose that you so keenly want- i.e. your family to net get hurt and that their status not be compromised or whatever.

Seriously, unless you come from a village in tribal areas of Pakistan where all the women are covered from head to toe (and you said you don't) and 'honour killings' take place if one doesn't marry as per their parents wishes, I think you're being a tad dramatic. You're not just underestimating your parents ability to love their child (i.e. you) unconditionally but you might also be insulting their common-sense and intelligence. I really think your parents would be more concerned about their son's health and well-being then any of this 'honour' or 'status' bullshit.  And in any case, its not like your family is going to go around waving a placard saying that their son is a positive homosexual (only to give fodder to gossipy relatives) if you are so concerned about their social standing.

Good luck in whatever you decide but I do think you've got your cost-benefit analyis a bit wrong and I would be upset if it starts to tell on your health.  

PS- You don't get to give me that excuse that I don't understand your culture. :)

« Last Edit: August 09, 2011, 03:46:34 AM by spacebarsux »
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #54 on: August 09, 2011, 03:31:00 PM »
Thanks LM, Raf, and Space for responding. LM, mail issue, I have explained earlier (one of the comments). Raf, I know, I don’t want them to find out about my status in the hospital bed and that’s why I am ‘thinking differently’ which is to start the medical treatment process.  Space, please see the comments below for you to understand the difference between you and me..


Seriously, unless you come from a village in tribal areas of Pakistan where all the women are covered from head to toe (and you said you don't) and 'honour killings' take place if one doesn't marry as per their parent’s wishes,


-- Not far from it. Hope that says it all. You are from India where gay rights takes place, have access to medicine and HIV+ is a rising issue for your country. From yours, women come to compete in a beauty pageant, mine its not an option for women. Where I am from "shit happens" what you just mentioned above. Sodomy law exist where gay people are put in Jail for being gay and HIV you could only imagine….
 
Having said that I don’t’ think it was any easier for you given your cultural context. It never is for anyone. I was just pointing out some key differences between your culture and mine. I know you understand better than lots of others but there are still a lot of differences. A LOT..

I hope to keep my status a secret from my family life long since I live in USA and they live far away from me (well some times they come and visit me.), still I do think I have a good chance (I hope) for them not to find out so I could protect them from social heterism.

I am very glad I got myself tested. Knowing my HIV status is huge so you could protect others. So, for others who are reading this thread and are worried if you have HIV and not, please go get yourselves tested. Not only for you but also for others!!! Knowing my HIV status, it helped to take care of myself, I have been eating healthy, working out and always knew these days will come so in a way it helped me to prepare myself.

I accept myself fully (Again, if I take my family out of the equation). Whatever I do in my bedroom its my damn business. HIV is just a virus. Big deal I had unprotected sex which caused me to be in this situation .. So what!! I am HIV+ meaning I have a chronic condition, which means I am no different than someone who has cancer. I know all that. I will make friends that I could be open with and live my life. I deserve that for myself.

One thing, some people here got it wrong. “I WILL GO TO DOCTORS”.  I was explaining earlier on I had a plan to die when times comes (symptomatic stage/AIDS) just to protect my family. Now that I want to live (Yaa I Do!!!!), I will go to doctor to treat myself and will try to find the balance (between me and my family) and hope to work on this unbearing situation so that I COULD LIVE!!
« Last Edit: August 09, 2011, 06:44:13 PM by Since2005 »

Offline spacebarsux

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,350
  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #55 on: August 09, 2011, 03:39:59 PM »
Well Ok. But at least go to the doctor and get your tests done ASAP and go on treatment if need be.

These internal deadlines that you've set is just another way to procrastinate- and there's only so much everyone here can say.
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Online buginme2

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,757
  • Certified Life Coach
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #56 on: August 09, 2011, 04:56:02 PM »
Its been a week since you first posted and you are STILL saying you "will go" to the doctor yet apparently you havent.  Stop posting how you WILL go to the doctor and just go.

PS.  Unless you are on effective treatment, HIV is not a chronic disease.  Its a fatal condition without treatment.  Stop kidding youself.
"All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6e0gcEC1TWE

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #57 on: August 09, 2011, 07:37:06 PM »
Buginme2, I have to tell you I do not appreciate your ‘tone of voice’. I have shared my very personal information with everyone writing pages, you completely ignored ‘ALL’. You don’t have to understand where I am coming from, just acknowledge my situation is all. If you don’t, that’s fine.  Like I said, I might need your help or support some other time. Everyone else said the same thing what you just said but what you lack is not being able to be compassionate. If you have said the same thing with a little more compassion, showed some acknowledgement and knew where I was coming from (don’t’ have to understand or agree) I would have not had any problems. I am sure you have a good heart and good intention but I already have explained to you how I feel about your comments and you know it. It is a public forum and you could post your opinion as much as you like (I hope you don’t. not right now… please. I am sure I will get along with you some other time…. cuz I know you care but sometimes its better to stay away from each other even if you like ‘em). I am sorry if I am being harsh or not kind but please don’t forget, you made me cry once. I could tell you I didn’t like that feeling. Also, please don’t tell me what I can and cannot post.

P.S. I have a deadline it’s a month (not week). I have waited six and half years so I guess one month is reasonable. May be I am procrastinating, may be I am getting myself ready. I will keep you all posted with my appointments etc. later.
« Last Edit: August 10, 2011, 02:18:43 AM by Since2005 »

Online mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 10,763
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #58 on: August 09, 2011, 08:04:15 PM »
I understand its a real cultural challenge for you coming out as gay, and on top of that, having HIV.  Thanks for sharing.

Its two different issues -  keeping yourself healthy by addressing your HIV, and who and when you disclose that you are gay and HIV+.  So, three issues, even!

Are you a permanent resident of the US?  If its so awful for gays in your country, you will probably never be living there again.  Why would you want to?  Family is not enough. Trust me on this.  Also, how are HIV+ people treated in your country?  Is there insurance, and treatment?  I know a lot about Saudi Arabia in fact.  There are horrible laws against gays there.  There is supposed to be horrible stigma - thats what society says.  But also there are many gays there and they do have a community, its just different than the West and difficult to explain.  Also, in Saudi, they changed their attitude about HIV, and there is treatment for all Saudi HIV+ citizens. Of course, they still treat foreigners like crap. 

I tell you this just as a comparison. 

Anyhow, you have to cut the crap about not seeing doctors - in fact now while you can do so with COMPLETE discretion in the US.  Nobody needs to know, not your family, not your community in the homeland.  Take baby steps and tell them when you feel like it.

DO NOT DENY YOURSELF to live full happy life -  because you ARE who you are.  If a family or a culture can't deal with it, that's terrible, but in the end, that means you have to say well, too bad for them.  What are you going to do. Never have a lover, boyfriend?  Not treat your HIV.  Get horribly sick?  Not have a career?  Go back home to die a horrible mess and whats more, as a pariah - as you put it....  PULEASE.  Grow up, child.

You don't owe people more than respect and love and if they can't give it in return, tough shit for them.  You live your life.  You have EVERY advantage.  Imagine gays in repressive cultures who can't go live in NYC and don't have university educations.  And if they get HIV or other tough diseases, they die horrible deaths.  You're being VERY selfish, my dear. 

Now the next post we want to hear that you have gone to a clinic and started the process.  Enough is enough.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Grasshopper

  • Member
  • Posts: 442
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #59 on: August 10, 2011, 01:20:39 AM »
"PULEASE.  Grow up, child"     

It's so much easier said than done.....I guess;  when fearing / facing possible deportation at some point, having no insurance or access to health care AND dealing with the earlier mentioned "family dilemma's".
Ditch the family, and next what when he HAS to return to his native country ....in a place he doesn't want to be for obvious reasons?

@ the OP: wish you strength and courage to make the appropriate decisions. = Stay healthy and save your life.

Online buginme2

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,757
  • Certified Life Coach
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #60 on: August 10, 2011, 01:30:40 AM »
"PULEASE.  Grow up, child"      

It's so much easier said than done.....I guess;  when fearing / facing possible deportation at some point, having no insurance or access to health care AND dealing with the earlier mentioned "family dilemma's".
Ditch the family, and next what when he HAS to return to his native country ....in a place he doesn't want to be for obvious reasons?

@ the OP: wish you strength and courage to make the appropriate decisions. = Stay healthy and save your life.

Where did the op ever state he would be "facing deportation or has no insurance or access to health care?"  

Regardless Grasshopper, even if all those were true there is really only 2 choices, get sick and die or go to the doctor and start treatment. We can make excuses, and some of them may be very valid and may be extremely tough choices.  But in the end, it comes back to you either get sick or get treatment.
« Last Edit: August 10, 2011, 01:40:38 AM by buginme2 »
"All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6e0gcEC1TWE

Offline Grasshopper

  • Member
  • Posts: 442
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #61 on: August 10, 2011, 01:51:07 AM »
Where did the op ever state he would be "facing deportation or has no insurance or access to health care?" 

Regardless Grasshopper, even if all those were true there is really only 2 choices, get sick and die or go to the doctor and start treatment. We can make excuses, and some of them may be very valid and may be extremely tough choices.  But in the end, it comes back to you either get sick or get treatment.

No prospects for a green card and sponsored but no job as of yet !

You just conveniently omitted the @the OP comment I made
« Last Edit: August 10, 2011, 05:19:41 AM by Grasshopper »

Online mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 10,763
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #62 on: August 10, 2011, 07:18:41 AM »
I understand its a real cultural challenge for you coming out as gay, and on top of that, having HIV.  Thanks for sharing.

Its two different issues -  keeping yourself healthy by addressing your HIV, and who and when you disclose that you are gay and HIV+.  So, three issues, even!

Are you a permanent resident of the US? 
:_____________

DO NOT DENY YOURSELF to live full happy life -  because you ARE who you are.  If a family or a culture can't deal with it, that's terrible, but in the end, that means you have to say well, too bad for them.  What are you going to do. Never have a lover, boyfriend?  Not treat your HIV.  Get horribly sick?  Not have a career?  Go back home to die a horrible mess and whats more, as a pariah - as you put it....  PULEASE.  Grow up, child.

You don't owe people more than respect and love and if they can't give it in return, tough shit for them.  You live your life.  You have EVERY advantage.  Imagine gays in repressive cultures who can't go live in NYC and don't have university educations.  And if they get HIV or other tough diseases, they die horrible deaths.  You're being VERY selfish, my dear. 

Now the next post we want to hear that you have gone to a clinic and started the process.  Enough is enough.

The PULEASE was meant to go with the former sentence.  GRASSHOPPERS cut and paste makes it sound callous.  Pulease, you do not want to go home a sick dying pariah. 

In other words, grow up and treat yourself.

And I asked about insurance and citizenship, so we can get clearer picture on this situation.

Since has TREMENDOUS hesitation and anxiety for dealing with his HIV and probably all the causes are mixed up together so its best to unwind them, but WHILE he starts the medical oversight. Not before.

“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #63 on: August 11, 2011, 02:42:05 PM »
I believe some of you here are irritated, surprised, shocked, worried. What can I say? I am not seeking medical help on purpose. Who does that? Has anyone heard of anyone doing this to oneself (unless of course one is HIV denailist). Thanks Grasshopper and everyone else wishing me the courage and strengths. I really needed to have those to make the appropriate decisions. At the end of the day, nothing is worth more than one’s life.

I feel fatigue, it seems like my body is really tired. Either I am feeling depressed or my immune is getting wicker. The only way to find out is to go to doctors. I have lots of hesitation going to doctor due to my ‘family/cultural dilemma’ as you already know about that. I could never ‘ditch’ my family. All I worry about that they will get hurt because of me and they will have to ‘disown’ me. I can’t think of losing them.

As for insurance goes, ADAP is the only choice and I am going to take that route. My sponsorship is in the process (hoping that to go through). I currently don’t have job but looking and that’s why I need to be healthy and be able to take care of myself. No prospect for green card especially since I am HIV+ now. I can’t see myself living back home (for obvious reasons.. as I explained why…). I may be wrong.. Can anyone help me with this – “Is HIV is not a mandatory test as part of medical test process for applying for permanent residency in US due to the recent law changes? Is this information is correct?  I believe the recent law changes reflects something similar to that but I am not hundred percent sure. If that’s true, I could use my education and experiences to hopefully make a living in US without worrying about going back home! Is this information correct? If that were true I would be the happiest guy in the world. I would be able to see some lights at the end of the tunnel.

I appreciate all of your support and understanding of my situation. It meant a lot!!! I come here everyday to learn about others and talk about myself. Its been helping me tremendously. I have been dealing with my ‘HIV issues’ for so long…. It is time to take next steps. I did not tell you, I did an appointment last week and ended up canceling it as I was feeling so wired about it. It’s hard to explain. Good news is I have made another appointment with a clinic and I hope to keep it. I want to start the process. I can’t explain in words how I felt when I have made that appointment ( as they were asking my DOB, address, name etc.) but I did. Hope this is it!!!!

Online mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 10,763
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #64 on: August 11, 2011, 09:27:30 PM »
You are already HIV+.  It is already posing challenges to where you can live.  Don't let HIV have too much power.

You can go to get info now, it's free at least to get some numbers, and see where you really stand. 

Who knows, you may be worn down from stress and your numbers are good!  Getting info will make the situation better. Its not going to do you ANY harm to know more.  Where you are today is where you are, whether you have the info or not. Its better to have the info.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline leatherman

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,924
  • Google and HIV meds are Your Friends
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #65 on: August 11, 2011, 10:29:12 PM »
I have been dealing with my ‘HIV issues’ for so long…. It is time to take next steps. I did not tell you, I did an appointment last week and ended up canceling it as I was feeling so wired about it. It’s hard to explain. Good news is I have made another appointment with a clinic and I hope to keep it. I want to start the process. I can’t explain in words how I felt when I have made that appointment ( as they were asking my DOB, address, name etc.) but I did. Hope this is it!!!!
I have waited six and half years so I guess one month is reasonable. May be I am procrastinating, may be I am getting myself ready.
You shouldn't lie to yourself anymore (or to us but that's neither here nor there LOL). If you have not done anything about your HIV for 6.5 yrs, don't fool yourself into thinking that you have been "dealing with your HIV issues for so long". All you have been doing are worrying about your HIV issues. Without having done any labwork, speaking with a doctor, or getting treatment, you've actually done nothing towards really dealing with your HIV issues. Thinking and worrying about HIV is not really "dealing with" HIV, it's just procrastinating (there's no "maybe" about it). "Dealing with" HIV issues at least requires seeing a doctor and finding out the status of your viral load and tcell count.

Of course, the clinic/doctor is going to ask personal information about you because that's how businesses, jobs, medical, social services, etc track and help their customers or employees. That's also your personal private data and it's downright silly (and potentially deadly) to let worries about that information get between you and medical services and/or ADAP. People are not just going to give you anonymous medical treatment for free with no accountability.

I wish you luck and hope that you can actually go through at least getting the medical services to have labwork  done to see what condition you are in with HIV. Until you have bloodwork done, as Mecch insinuated, you will have given HIV all the power and not actually be doing anything to "deal" with your HIV issues.
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Oh my friends, my friends forgive me
That I live and you are gone.
There's a grief that can't be spoken.
There's a pain goes on and on.
Empty chairs at empty tables
Where my friends will meet no more.

"Empty Chairs at Empty Tables" from Les Miserables


Offline spacebarsux

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,350
  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #67 on: August 12, 2011, 05:25:33 AM »
I have lots of hesitation going to doctor due to my ‘family/cultural dilemma’ as you already know about that. I could never ‘ditch’ my family. All I worry about that they will get hurt because of me and they will have to ‘disown’ me. I can’t think of losing them.


Sorry, this makes no sense. Your cultural issues should have no bearing on your health! None. You owe yourself that much. What you are doing is absolutely criminal to your body.

Going to the doctor and getting your health in order has nothing to do with disclosure issues.

There are HIV doctors in Saudi Arabia too you know.
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #68 on: August 12, 2011, 08:36:20 AM »
Wait a second ! Now  I am a criminal ( to my body), I am selfish, Thanks guys, I really needed  that. How about " Hey since, I am glad you made an appointment, good luck with that".

Offline spacebarsux

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,350
  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #69 on: August 12, 2011, 08:50:06 AM »
Wait a second ! Now  I am a criminal ( to my body), I am selfish, Thanks guys, I really needed  that. How about " Hey since, I am glad you made an appointment, good luck with that".

Oh C'mon Since. No one is attacking you.  I and everyone here would be most happy once you actually go to the doctor.

And I never said you're selfish. A selfish person would not treat himself this way.
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #70 on: August 12, 2011, 09:42:09 AM »
Hi,

Space, I know you and everyone here in this Forum cares. Meech, Its good to know the numbers, I agree, I am not scared to know if its bad or good. If it is good then great, if it is bad, at least I will have the process started then. Leatherman, I am not sure I agree with what you said about ‘dealing’. Everyone deals with things differently (some are mental and some are actual works). I understand where you are coming from after ‘dealing’ with HIV for so long. Thanks for wishing me good luck with starting the process. Em, thanks for sending me the link. I just found out couple days ago about ‘HIV testing is now being excluded from routine medical test when someone apply for residency in US’. Its been such a relief knowing that. This tells to the world again HIV is not a big deal like it used to be. Thanks Obama Admin and people who are fighting for gay/AIDS rights. I salute you guys for making our lives easier.

P.S. I will be (sure hope) keeping my appointment to get my med stat this time to end THESE all.

Offline leatherman

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,924
  • Google and HIV meds are Your Friends
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #71 on: August 12, 2011, 09:44:12 AM »
Oh C'mon Since. No one is attacking you.  I and everyone here would be most happy once you actually go to the doctor.
nor was I attacking you. I was just telling you the truth.

If you tested poz and have never gone to the doctor to even have the blood work done to find out your current status (VL and CD4s) then you haven't been dealing with your HIV, you've been ignoring it. And countless people who have already passed away can attest that ignoring HIV is something you do at your own peril.

Thanks guys, I really needed  that. How about " Hey since, I am glad you made an appointment, good luck with that".
Yes, you did need to hear that. If you can't even go to a doctor to treat a condition you know you have then you sure don't need someone coddling you; but someone to motivate you into getting up and going to properly take care of your health. Making an appointment might be the first step; but it doesn't change anything and doesn't really count as having done anything. Going to actually see the doctor/clinic will be the first actual step towards doing something. There's no reason to tell you "good job" when you haven't really done to change or fix your situation.

Again since you must have missed me saying it the first time, I'll wish you luck (that you're not already terribly sick - because with a destroyed immune system there's usually little to no sign of how sick you are until it's nearly too late) and reiterate that I hope you finally go through with an appointment to at least have the lab work done - soon. ;)
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Oh my friends, my friends forgive me
That I live and you are gone.
There's a grief that can't be spoken.
There's a pain goes on and on.
Empty chairs at empty tables
Where my friends will meet no more.

"Empty Chairs at Empty Tables" from Les Miserables

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 27,948
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #72 on: August 12, 2011, 09:44:55 AM »
Since, welcome to the forum. I've been reading your thread (as well as your comments elsewhere) but I haven't responded yet.

One of the reasons I haven't responded is because it's not totally clear whether you were ever confirmed as hiv positive. From what I've read, you had a positive rapid antibody test, but nothing else.  Are you aware that there are such things as false positive results, particularly on rapid tests?

If you never had follow-up testing with a Western Blot, then you have not ever been confirmed as hiv positive. All these symptoms you have been feeling lately could just as possibly be the result of over six years of worrying, in isolation, about a virus you might not even have.

Even though I was not brought up in your culture, I get it. I really do. However, consider this. Suppose you ARE hiv positive and your numbers ARE at a point where you needed treatment yesterday. If you continue to ignore hiv, then the chances are very good of you ending up in hospital very ill, and if that happens you may very well lose control over whether or not your family finds out. If they do have to find out, wouldn't you rather it be on YOUR terms?

I'm very glad to hear you have scheduled an appointment. PLEASE keep it! Go out of your way to keep it. From my perspective, the FIRST thing you need to find out is whether or not you actually have hiv. Then if you do, you need to know where you stand before you aren't standing at all, but lying in a hospital bed close to death.

Please get to that appointment - we're all rooting for you. Good luck!

Ann
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #73 on: August 12, 2011, 12:29:15 PM »
Hi,

Thanks Ann for your comment. I am glad when you said "I get it" and understood my problems. I also appreciate wishing me good luck with starting the medical process. Thanks for welcoming me to the forum. To me, its my new found family! I wanted to let you know I have been confirmed positive (As I recall, for the second time, a few days later after the first antibody test and I believe that was WB). I was tested negative six months prior to that as it was too soon to test, one or two weeks after the infection. I had a strange fever out of nowhere that lasted 7-10 days and I had to go the emergency and doctor suggested to test for STD at that time.

You are ABSOLUTELY correct! I need to retest now to know where I stand with my health!  
« Last Edit: August 12, 2011, 12:41:19 PM by Since2005 »

Offline gerry69

  • Member
  • Posts: 23
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #74 on: August 12, 2011, 02:21:10 PM »
After reading through this entire thread my head was spinning --

Even though, as Ann said, "I was not brought up in your culture" and that as you said "Everyone deals with things differently" I am amazed at the fact that even after moving to NY which is a world away you continued remained in what sounds to some extent as though it was a deep state of denial for so long.

While it may sound trite there is some truth in the saying that knowledge is power and by not having a clear understanding of your status/numbers, whether they are good or bad, you have inadvertently given the virus power over your life in ways you may not even be conscious of.

I am glad to see that you have finally summoned up the courage to make an appointment and, as leatherman indicated, "go through at least getting the medical services to have labwork done to see what condition you are in with HIV."

I wish you luck with that --


Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #75 on: August 20, 2011, 10:59:18 AM »
Hi,

I have stated earlier that I had made the decision to go to the doctor before I came to the forum after noticing the symptomatic signs and I am sure I would have started the treatment process but with much harder times! After I found this forum, I felt such a relief to talk with you. You guys were there for me when I needed the most while I was making the decision (Thank you!!!!). For some, it was so hard to understand and some understood my root problems right away. The rest I will let my counselor to handle. I wanted to thank all of you for your comments (positive and negative), suggestions, views and caring.

I finally went to a clinic the other day and kept my appointment with the doctor and started the first step of the medical treatment process. I will let you know about the med stat later some other time when I get them. So, what I want to do is officially close this thread especially after so long (thanks for listening me venting about my issues…  Not sure how to close the thread may need admin/moderator’s help with that.

Hugs to the whole family (((((((( ))))))))
« Last Edit: August 20, 2011, 11:26:20 AM by Since2005 »

Offline New Poz Guy

  • Member
  • Posts: 15
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #76 on: August 20, 2011, 03:31:22 PM »
Hi Since,
I'm glad you finally went and had lab work done. THAT is the first step in taking responsibility for your health and potential long life.
My whole HIV + experience isn't even a month old yet but I KNEW that once I had the Dx I waited so long to get, I only had two choices and they've both been discussed here.
Fact of the matter is - I WANT TO LIVE - so I need to do the footwork involved to: a. first know my condition b. see a doctor for labs, counts, and direction c. start meds if required.
I'm glad to say I've done all 3 and I DO FEEL BETTER....even if it's only because I have finally decided to take responsibility for better health & living.
Now I'm dealing with issues of who to disclose to, when, and getting in front of a good therapist as I need to address some of the mental issues (again, all part of a healthy regimen for good living).
I couldn't imagine living in denial once I knew I was poz. That would have done me in as quick as the disease.
So get your results, consult a health care professional you are comfortable with, and do what you need to do.
Less than a month in and I actually feel a bit empowered simply because I stopped procrastinating and took care of business. It's my bet and hope that you will feel something similar.
NPG
Diagnosed 7/27/11
Labs taken 8/2/11
Results 8/12/11 - CD4 428 18.6% VL - 96,939
Began Atripla 8/13/11
Labs taken 9/8/11
Results 9/13/11 - CD4 629 24.2% VL - 930 !!

Offline metekrop

  • Member
  • Posts: 351
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #77 on: August 20, 2011, 06:09:10 PM »
Since, you have typically denilist perception of the HIV=AIDS.  Everybody here told you a lot.  I have simple words that you should be careful of your health, if you are serious about your life..

« Last Edit: August 20, 2011, 06:11:16 PM by metekrop »
Diag on Dec 8, 2000, CD 440 VL 44K, No Meds
Dec/08 - Feb/09 CD< 50 & VL >500k hosp'z.
St. Atripla - July/09 CD 179, VL 197k
Oct/09 CD 300 VL UD Chol 267
Mar/10 CD 468 UD, Ch 220
Aug/10 CD 460 UD, Ch 195
Dec/10 CD 492 UD, Ch 172
Mar/11 CD 636 UD, Ch 201
Aug/11 CD 530 UD, Ch 98
Jan/12 cd 616 UD, ch 189
Jul/12 CD 640 UD, Ch ?
Dec/12 CD 669 Ud, Ch 125
May/7 CD711 Ud, Ch?
Nov/ 22 663 UD, Ch,

Online mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 10,763
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #78 on: August 20, 2011, 07:33:13 PM »
I am pretty sure there is no way to "close" a thread. Just stop posting to it.  Why would you not want to come pack to this thread (I am suspicious ?  :'( )

We are waiting for you to POST YOUR LABS when you get them.  Also, tell us how you feel about all this.

Bravo for going finally.  ;D
« Last Edit: August 20, 2011, 07:38:27 PM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline socalpoz

  • Member
  • Posts: 80
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #79 on: August 20, 2011, 10:35:14 PM »
Congrats on taking the courageous step! Please keep us all posted on how everything goes Labs etc!
Diagnosed Jan. 22, 2011
feb/11 cd4 547, cd4% 37, vl 527
mar/11 cd4 650, cd4% 37, vl 97
may/11 cd4 698, cd4% 37, vl 303
jul/11 cd4 744, cd4% 39, vl 239
aug/12 cd4 675, cd4% 39, Vl 42
Jun/13 cd4 594, cd4% 38, Vl 1860
Jul/3/13 started Stribild
Aug/13 cd4 758 cd4% 43, vl ??

Offline spacebarsux

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,350
  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #80 on: August 21, 2011, 03:25:23 AM »
Glad to hear you went Since.

This thread isn't closing or anything, and certainly not until we heard your lab numbers.  :)
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #81 on: August 22, 2011, 04:41:14 AM »
Thanks everyone for your comments! Originally, I thought I would not post anything in here since the main goal was to express my feelings on how I was acting/reacting/ dealing with the changes going from being asymptomatic to symptomatic. I thought to keep the tradition going by starting a thread like “My first lab”. Then I thought, it would actually make more sense to post the medical stat here in this thread to be consistent as my situation is a bit different than usual. So, no I am not hiding yet!  I will post my lab result (which I am yet to get for weeks still).

I have a confession to make, I don’t know what I am still feeling about this whole HIV+ issues. I am telling everyone else in this forum to stay strong. The bottom line is I am myself very weak. Like today, I could not get out of bed to go to gym. I am still drinking, going to bars and partying as if I don’t have to deal with this issue. I guess I don’t know how to accept the HIV and myself may be. I want to be normal, I want to focus, and all my energies are getting drained out of myself. I don’t like to see myself weak, vulnerable (that's what I am feeling talking about this issue). I want to show myself off as a strong man, which I am not at this moment. I have not started my mental health treatment process yet, I would have to wait till ADAP gets approved for about two more months ( I don’t want to go outside of my clinic). What I am worried about myself is that I am being destructive to myself, loosing focus. Question is how do I accept myself with my HIV issues. I wish I had a group of friends that I could talk to (Really do I?). If that’s true, then why didn’t I call the guy that I met the other day who was HIV+ himself, we clicked, he gave me his number but I couldn’t make the call. I guess I am not ready then to accept myself, am I? But, I want to… I want to come with terms with my sexuality and mostly with my HIV status, I want to get a number or make a call if I see a cute guy that I like, why can’t I do that? I want to stop going out drinking/partying just because….I don’t want to lose focus from my life. I want to live a healthy life. How do I live a normal life like I used to? How do I make peace with myself? The answers I have been looking for myself lately....
« Last Edit: August 22, 2011, 05:30:22 AM by Since2005 »

Online buginme2

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,757
  • Certified Life Coach
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #82 on: August 22, 2011, 05:13:17 AM »
Since, I know you think I am too harsh sometimes, so I will try and be more understanding.  You have already taken the first step in going to the clinic and getting your bloodwork done.  You should feel good about that.  Feel good about what you HAVE done and the steps you HAVE taken and focus on that and not what you havent done yet.


Stick with it. Keep going to your appointments. Focus on your health.  The other stuff will come.  When I was a kid I belonged to a swimteam in Massachusetts.  We had to get up at 5am and swim outside.  It was freezing.  Our coach used to grab us and throw us in the pool.  When you hit the water it was horrible.  But after a few minutes it got better and pretty soon you stopped noticing it.  Sometimes you just have to do it.

I hope you dont think im being an ass.  I really do just want you to take care of yourself.
"All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6e0gcEC1TWE

Offline spacebarsux

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,350
  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #83 on: August 22, 2011, 05:36:56 AM »
Since, just seems you're having a bad day and letting all your old fears consume you. Happens to all of us sometimes.

Just keep perservering, you'll be fine. You're not alone. Each baby step that you're taking to fight this fight counts/
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Online mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 10,763
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #84 on: August 22, 2011, 08:02:27 AM »
My two bits is that you SHOULD be going out and meeting guys, that sounds positive and forward looking.  
Eventually you'll "make the call" and pursue one of these cuties.

You drink because you have anxiety.  Its human.  Just try to keep it reasonable.  

Going to the gym or not has NOTHING to do with accepting your sexuality or your HIV+ status.  Don't worry about that.

I haven't seen anything convincing that you're "symptomatic" by the way.  Stress and anxiety can knock a lot out of you.  You'll have to wait for the medical info to see.

You did good getting labs.

What other projects are in the works for the coming months?  Job? Studies?   Filling up all your time on "becoming gay" or "dealting with HIV" sounds like a bad idea because both items are so stressful for you.  Find another project to add to these two that takes advantage of your strengths.
« Last Edit: August 22, 2011, 08:06:40 AM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Ann

  • Administrator
  • Member
  • Posts: 27,948
  • It just is, OK?
    • Num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #85 on: August 22, 2011, 08:12:02 AM »
How do I live a normal life like I used to?


You just do. You're still normal. Say it to yourself: "I'm normal. I'm the same person I was before some stupid virus took up residence in my body. I'm normal."

Ring that positive guy who gave you his phone number. He probably needs a friend too. Just DO it!
Condoms are a girl's best friend

Condom and Lube Info  



"...health will finally be seen not as a blessing to be wished for, but as a human right to be fought for." Kofi Annan

Nymphomaniac: a woman as obsessed with sex as an average man. Mignon McLaughlin

HIV is certainly character-building. It's made me see all of the shallow things we cling to, like ego and vanity. Of course, I'd rather have a few more T-cells and a little less character. Randy Shilts

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #86 on: August 24, 2011, 02:31:38 PM »
@Ann -- You are so sweet to say that! I know I could make the call but it's not about that. Its me coming with terms and be okay with all things that I am going through. I am okay with not having a boyfriend at this point of my life. I want to clear things from my baggage first before I pursue any relationships though I could use some FRIENDS in personal life. Before, I was not ready to have people come into my life, but now, I am getting there. After, I joined to this forum, its making more sense and also seeing others, I have started to understand, it is very important. How do I make friends? I thought to go the HIV gathering place in NYC to meet people there but before anything, I need to be ‘OKAY’ with myself. I am very fortunate that I have you guys here!! Hey, Ann, before I forget to tell you this, I wanted to say, “Thanks for your support and your hard work that you put in for us and the great job you have been doing for years”. It might seem like just a thank you note or a simple sentence but I really mean it and I hope you know that and I know you do :)

@space and Meech, - Thanks for your continuous supports, comments and caring, you know that's get me going. Meech, I have been thinking about what you said about the “Filling up all your time on "becoming gay" or "dealting with HIV" sounds like a bad idea because both items are so stressful for you. Find another project to add to these two that takes advantage of your strengths.” I am putting too much of my time doing the both and as you said its not doing me any good, not for right now. Its hard to forget about this ( not meant totally) but I am focusing too much on this and wasting of my energy and really be doing what I need to be doing which is focusing on looking for job, doing great interviews not going out excessively just to feel better. Yes, I know I should go out and have fun but lately I have been doing that just so that I am okay with the 'gay' atmosphere and not deal with my own culture that I from. I am not sure if you are following what I am saying but making some friends will eliminate lots of my current problems and help me to fill up my time to enrich my life so that I would be more stable with myself.

@Buginme2— I wanted to write to you right away but I did not want to deal with this as I was a bit down. Wow!! I was so surprised and you almost made me cry again ( just kidding) but if must know, you made me feel really good. Thank you for your comment. You did understand. So, you don't have a 'stone like heart' after all :). No matter what I said about your comments earlier, I knew all along that you are supportive from your heart. It was a good analogy when you compared mine with your swimming lesson situation as to express ‘things do get better’ after a while. See, it works!!  I know you want me to take care of myself like everyone here and I want the same for others. We are in this together. Thanks so much for sharing and caring!

Thanks guys!! I know my writings could be long sometimes may be its because I don't know when to shut up :)

Edited to add: spelling, grammar etc.
« Last Edit: August 24, 2011, 05:43:04 PM by Since2005 »

Online mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 10,763
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #87 on: August 24, 2011, 03:31:04 PM »
Its not a waste of energy to come out and get comfortable as a gay guy, and certainly not a waste of energy to deal with your HIV infection.
Consider this observation and kinda advice:  the goal is that you go through this and it become routine and normal and then voila, eventually there's not much energy required.

Seems like a great idea that you are going out a lot.  Partying and getting comfortable with gays seems to trouble you morally but there will come a point where there's a snap and it just becomes fun and even thrilling to have fun and be who you are.  
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #88 on: August 24, 2011, 04:54:31 PM »
Meech.. you did not get what I said. I have been partying and going to gay clubs (I mean a lot.. A LOTTTTT more than usual..) and I don't think its morally wrong. Please reread then you will understand. I have been partying and going out crazy so that I feel better and feel free. However, it's taking a toll on me. I am going out too much that it's interfering my life as to look for job or just do regular stuff, etc. In no ways, I feel I am wrong going out to bars/clubs ( not since I was 22/23.. ). So, that's not what I am saying here. It is hard to express here as I say one thing and its taken into a different meaning.

Fact - I am going out too much so that I feel good about myself. Going out and meeting other gay/HIV people and I don't think its wrong ( Not sure how you got that I idea. well may be I do... but there are lots of  different types of closeted types and I am almost at the edge of coming out with that issue ( except to my family)..I came out of that 'feeling wrong being gay' phase long time ago.. as far as with HIV issues goes, I am new to this in a way since I have started the medical process recently and trying to come up with terms again from a different angle since my first time diagnosis in 2005..yaa long time .. I know..). I have to admit that I am a bit irritated since I had to explain it again ( sorry.. I didn't mean to be mean..)

Problem - I am going out and partying too much and its interfering my life. I am not saying I have a borderline problem but I am certainly not following 'the moderation concepts'.

Solution - 1) Going to Therapy 2) Meet people that I could be open with my sexuality and HIV  status so I don't have to seek ‘freeness’ just at the bar and by making some close friends that I could be open with, I will get a support system working for me.

These will/may solve my problem (I am a bit down lately) that I am going through as it will be easier and healthy and its not wise just go out so that I could feel good/free about myself. I understand what are you saying to go out and have fun but so far this has been THE ONLY WAY I am coping up with my issues. Hope this time it was clear :)

P.S. I cant say enough when I say 'thank you' to you (Meech.. making up with you...lol..) and others who have been helping me to get through this tough time. I hope, I never stop saying 'Thank you'!!
« Last Edit: August 24, 2011, 05:39:21 PM by Since2005 »

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #89 on: September 01, 2011, 01:02:41 AM »
Finally, I went to my first ID Specialist/Doc visit and got my first med stat since the diagnosis (December,2005). Hey you all know the story! Now, here it comes……..My first long awaited med stat!

CD4: 564
VL: 2953
CD4%: 25%

Refresher/background on HIV diagnosis:
I was infected with HIV in January/February of 2005. I am very accurate about my infection timing as I tested negative for HIV (it was too early to build  the antibody) in Jan/Feb of 2005 during my seroconversion (I knew that later). I was diagnosed in Dec 2005 (WB testing was done and it was confirmed by the clinic). So, that said, I have been infected with HIV for little over six and half years as of now.

Here is the scoop. My doc wanted me to start meds right away. I was shocked. For two reasons, first, this is my first med stat and second, I believe my stat is good since I have a very low viral count and CD4 is above 500 (though not too sure about the CD4 percentage). I told him that I would want to see at least 4 med stats (unless I see any downtrends) before I decide on taking medications. I will not give in, no way no how. In Europe, guidelines to start meds are under 350 for CD4 counts unless one has an astronomical viral load (and other reasons, etc). The point is by following that guidelines, people there, are doing well with their HIV status. I was not really happy when he told me about starting meds. I told him “ You and I are gonna have to have a long talk about this” (of course with a smile on my face). My motto is “Keep monitoring your health regularly and wait to see the trend in your med stats before you decide on the medications". There is no reason to unnecessarily add something to your body when its not really needed! (Oops, I hope, I am not starting the debate again :)). This is my personal decision. I, of course, have to go on meds at some point like others but I will wait as long as I can before I start meds. I will keep monitoring my health and thinking to go every three months to get med stat. Hopefully, my med stat will be consistent or better somewhat or at least not too downward. Regardless, I want to see at least 3 or 4 med stats before I make a decision on starting meds. I sure hope to be able to afford that meaning med stats don't go too bad within a year.

Well, to be honest, I thought that my CD4 count would be somewhere between 350 to 500 especially after noticing the "symptomatic signs" or it (though chances were less) could have been AIDS defining (CD4 under 200). I am glad it's neither and doc thinks the "symptomatic signs" could very well be stress induced or it could be due to having a compromised immune system. In anyways, I am not worried about that anymore. Before the 'symptomatic signs’, I never got sick since the HIV diagnosis except few times got fever here and there and that’s about it. So, after all these time since the infection, I am glad I am not too sick and I am very happy with my numbers. However, I or any HIV+ person who is not on meds, can never be too happy with the present numbers too much since numbers could change any time of the day as we all know HIV still is a very unknown virus and you never know what effects the virus could bring upon your body! At least, this stat gave me the incentive to take care of myself and I feel very lucky.

I wanted to say thanks to all forum members who have been extremely supportive to my journey dealing with my HIV issues and I know I have you all for a very long time!



*Edited to clear thoughts, spelling etc.
« Last Edit: September 01, 2011, 08:48:14 AM by Since2005 »

Online buginme2

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,757
  • Certified Life Coach
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #90 on: September 01, 2011, 01:08:50 AM »
Let me be the first to say congratulations on getting your test results and meeting with your doctor.  I hope the anticipation was worse than the actual visit and you are encouraged to continue on this path of regular monitoring of your positive status. 

I raise my wine glass to you for doing this!
"All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6e0gcEC1TWE

Offline Rev. Moon

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,782
  • Smart ass faggot ©
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #91 on: September 01, 2011, 01:18:36 AM »
First of all congrats on the numbers.  Still, I can't get over the fact that you waited six years after your initial diagnosis to even bother with lab work.  Others have stated this in nice ways --and others have not sugar-coated it.  You need to become more responsible about this issue (regardless of your fears, depression, cultural background, or whatever it was that prevented you from doing what every responsible and sensible person living with HIV needs to do).

Again, your numbers are fine enough.  Count yourself as fortunate and just keep an eye on these values (and their trends) going forward.  

Oh, and this:

I told him that I would want to see at least 4 med stats ( unless I see a downtrends) before I decide on taking medications. I will not given in, no way no how.

My motto is “Keep monitoring your health and wait to see the trend in your med stat before you decide on the medications".


Make sure that by "monitoring your health" you mean going every three months.  Your next visit should not be in July or August of 2017.

Best,

Moon.
"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

Offline leatherman

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,924
  • Google and HIV meds are Your Friends
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #92 on: September 01, 2011, 02:04:55 AM »
congrats on finally getting some lab work done so you can knowledgeably take care of your health.
and congrats on some decent numbers.  ;D

I will wait as long as I can before I start meds.
that's so silly.  ::)

you still talk like the meds are your enemy, when the real enemy is the unchecked HIV slowly by surely destroying your immune system. Just like I say about Google, Meds are your friend.  ;) With numbers like yours right now, I agree that you don't need to start meds yet; but you really need to start getting into the mindset that one day you'll be happily taking those life-saving, life-extending medications that will keep you happy and healthy....

...because that day will be coming, as it does for everyone but those few LTNP. ;)

best wishes and here's hoping your next few sets of numbers in this year and this upcoming year will stay good for some time. ;)
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Oh my friends, my friends forgive me
That I live and you are gone.
There's a grief that can't be spoken.
There's a pain goes on and on.
Empty chairs at empty tables
Where my friends will meet no more.

"Empty Chairs at Empty Tables" from Les Miserables

Offline spacebarsux

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,350
  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #93 on: September 01, 2011, 03:26:11 AM »
Hey Since,

Many congrats on going to the doctor and your decent lab numbers  :).

My position is quite similar to yours. I was also infected around 2005/06, diagnosed in January this year and not yet on meds (lab numbers in signature line). However, my doctor was not in favour of starting treatment right away. From reading all the posts here, I get the impression that doctors in the US are big “Hit Hard, Hit Early” advocates. The doctors in Asia and Europe prefer to adopt a “Wait and See” approach. I guess there are pros and cons to both views.

I can understand and relate to your ambivalence regarding when to commence therapy. Mental preparation and level of acceptance of this new reality is essential before you make a lifetime commitment to drugs and that cannot be understated, especially when one has the option of waiting- as you and I do at this point. It goes without saying, that had my CD4 been around 350 region I would have started therapy without batting an eyelid.

I still have bouts of getting emotional about my diagnosis and am quite capable of discontinuing the drugs mid-way in a fit of rage or frustration (or so I think any way). Going by your posts, my feeling is that you haven’t yet completely accepted and come to terms with “living with this virus” - at least not yet, and in such a situation it isn’t wise to take the plunge so quickly. Besides, I really don’t think waiting for a couple of labs 3-4 months apart will hurt you in any way.

What’s critical is that you get your blood work done every 3-4 months and keep monitoring your CD4 and VL and start medication when the time arrives, taking into account your doctor’s expertise, the treatment guidelines and of course your readiness.

Good Luck.
 
« Last Edit: September 01, 2011, 03:28:35 AM by spacebarsux »
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Online mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 10,763
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #94 on: September 01, 2011, 06:24:36 AM »
I can understand and relate to your ambivalence regarding when to commence therapy. Mental preparation and level of acceptance of this new reality is essential before you make a lifetime commitment to drugs and that cannot be understated, especially when one has the option of waiting- as you and I do at this point. It goes without saying, that had my CD4 been around 350 region I would have started therapy without batting an eyelid.

I still have bouts of getting emotional about my diagnosis and am quite capable of discontinuing the drugs mid-way in a fit of rage or frustration (or so I think any way). Going by your posts, my feeling is that you haven’t yet completely accepted and come to terms with “living with this virus” - at least not yet, and in such a situation it isn’t wise to take the plunge so quickly. Besides, I really don’t think waiting for a couple of labs 3-4 months apart will hurt you in any way.

What’s critical is that you get your blood work done every 3-4 months and keep monitoring your CD4 and VL and start medication when the time arrives, taking into account your doctor’s expertise, the treatment guidelines and of course your readiness.

This strikes me as a misread of the thread and since's situation,  some faulty logic, and a fair amount of bad advice mixed in with one or two "true" observation such as one needs to stick to HAART once one starts.  But even that is rather dumb way of looking at it.  

Hypothetically.  If I were a person who values medical advice and medical treatment, I would start HAART when a trusted doctor recommended.  Even if I was not ready for the "commitment of HAART" whatever that means.  (Reality, I am that person and did that and had my little fears of HAART mixed in with great hope for HAART and it all worked out just FINE!)

Look at it this way.  The recommendation to start HAART is to protect health.  Also, half the time, health noticeably improves because of the HAART.  Surely the mind appreciates HAART a bit more the longer one is on it, these days.  This "growing appreciation" while taking it, by hesitant types, I would say is much more the norm, these days.  More common experience than some feared "emotional breakdown" that "I will simply have to quit the HAART out of frustration for being HIV+ or living with HIV."  "Then I will be even worse off than if I never started."  

I think it is quite rare.    And even then, if I were on HAART for a year or two, and then for some psychological reason decided I had to stop, the advantages of that time on HAART are still there in my body!!!!  

I don't get this logic at all, finally.  This fear - "I am not going to be able to psychologically deal with staying on HAART."  

But, if that's someone's reality, OK.
« Last Edit: September 01, 2011, 06:26:59 AM by mecch »
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Online mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 10,763
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #95 on: September 01, 2011, 06:41:28 AM »
Since - congrats for getting more info about the reality of your current situation.  And for steps for dealing with your future!!  Just keep on trucking and also trusting in the experts to give you good advice and treatment when needed!
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline spacebarsux

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,350
  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #96 on: September 01, 2011, 06:41:47 AM »
Mecch my advice or thoughts rest on this:-

-Since can afford to wait a couple of lab tests before starting HAART. His CD4 is above 500.

-The treatment guidelines are on his side and there is no pressing reason to start right away based on a single (and his first ever) lab test. And as everyone keeps saying that it’s the trend that counts.

-From my reading of all his posts (especially the most recent one) he is not mentally prepared to start right now and that is his choice and is not in my opinion an illogical or dumb choice at all given his current lab results.

-As for the “not going to be able to psychologically deal with being on HAART” is not exactly what I meant. What I meant is that one must be mentally prepared to a lifetime of adherence, and that requires a level of acceptance of the diagnosis.

Given that Since went 6 whole years without even following up on his diagnosis, jumping on the meds bandwagon based on a single test when he himself states that he is not ready is what I would call dumb and hasty.

A person’s readiness level to start HAART cannot be understated.

I stand by what I said.


« Last Edit: September 01, 2011, 07:09:53 AM by spacebarsux »
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Online mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 10,763
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #97 on: September 01, 2011, 06:59:33 AM »
What I meant is that one must be mentally prepared to a lifetime of adherence, and that requires a level of acceptance of the diagnosis.

Precisely here I disagree. This "mental preparedness" is hardly an obligatory prerequisite to starting HAART.   Many people start without this and find, in addition to the main little benefit of it wiping out an active HIV infection and rebuilding healthy immunity, psychological benefits as well.  Win win. 

A subject for its own thread, perhaps.

a hesitant type supposing himself/herself not "mentally ready" could be just more avoidance, delusion, self-destruction, whatever.  could be.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline spacebarsux

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,350
  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #98 on: September 01, 2011, 07:07:47 AM »
Precisely here I disagree. This "mental preparedness" is hardly an obligatory prerequisite to starting HAART.   

Well I guess we just have to agree to disagree on this- in the context of Since's predicament.
Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Offline bocker3

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,265
  • You gotta enjoy life......
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #99 on: September 01, 2011, 07:30:53 AM »
Precisely here I disagree. This "mental preparedness" is hardly an obligatory prerequisite to starting HAART.   Many people start without this and find, in addition to the main little benefit of it wiping out an active HIV infection and rebuilding healthy immunity, psychological benefits as well.  Win win. 

A subject for its own thread, perhaps.

a hesitant type supposing himself/herself not "mentally ready" could be just more avoidance, delusion, self-destruction, whatever.  could be.

Well this is crazy -- of course one must be "mentally prepared" to take HAART.  Otherwise you get bad adherence and potentially end up with resistance issues. 

did you stop and think at all before you started to pontificate?

Since -- it is critical that you are ready to commit to taking meds before starting.  I don't see any pressing reason to start off this one set of results (and I am an advocate of starting early).  You might want to ask your doc exactly why he wants you to start prior to actually seeing a trend -- not to mention getting a resistance test done.

Congratulations on moving forward with your health care and on your decent results

Mike
Atripla - Started 12/05
Reyataz/Norvir - Added 6/06
Labs - Pre-Meds
Sep05 T=350/25% VL98,559
Nov05 288/18%  47,564
Current Labs
May2013 691/31% <20

Offline leatherman

  • Member
  • Posts: 5,924
  • Google and HIV meds are Your Friends
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #100 on: September 01, 2011, 09:58:02 AM »
This "mental preparedness" is hardly an obligatory prerequisite to starting HAART.   Many people start without this and find, in addition to the main little benefit of it wiping out an active HIV infection and rebuilding healthy immunity, psychological benefits as well.  Win win.
exactly! that's why I have such a hard time understanding all the moaning and hand-wringing about starting HAART. According to the stats 1/3 of us find out we have HIV by being in the hospital with an AIDS-defining illnesses. In those situations, the doctors tell you to start taking these meds (HAART) and pray you don't die before they have the chance to work. There's no time for "mental preparedness". LOL

If waiting that long didn't do such long-term damage to the immune system, I would suggest everyone wait until they were hospitalized to start meds. It's makes you oh so much more appreciative of their life-sustaining, life-renewing properties, while making even the thought of side effects inconsequential.  ;D
leatherman (aka mIkIE)


chart from 1992-2013; updated 2/09/13  Reyataz/Norvir/Truvada

Oh my friends, my friends forgive me
That I live and you are gone.
There's a grief that can't be spoken.
There's a pain goes on and on.
Empty chairs at empty tables
Where my friends will meet no more.

"Empty Chairs at Empty Tables" from Les Miserables

Offline emeraldize

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,271
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #101 on: September 01, 2011, 11:00:38 AM »
Since,

Were I to do it over again, and my numbers, both CD4 and VL were remarkably similar to yours at the same time period post-diagnosis, (except my percentage was higher) I would start HAART now as your doctor is suggesting.

Listen closely to his rationale. And, do some reading in advance of your visit with him. I suggest you make a truly informed decision, not once based on will or whim. I was once told a sign of intelligence is the ability to learn from the mistakes of others.

Em


Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #102 on: September 01, 2011, 01:14:04 PM »
Hi Buginme, Rev Moon, Leatherman, Space, Meech, Bocker (Mike), and EM for your comments and support. I thought I was gonna wait out a little bit before I write my comments on the thread again, but it looks like thread is moving towards an issue that was not originally intended.

@Space

-From my reading of all his posts (especially the most recent one) he is not mentally prepared to start right now and that is his choice
I am not saying you are not incorrect but that’s not the reason I want to delay my meds treatment

Given that Since went 6 whole years without even following up on his diagnosis, jumping on the meds bandwagon based on a single test when he himself states that he is not ready
You are correct on the single test issue. However, I will tell you that like you, I would start HAART in a heartbeat and would ‘Jump on the meds bandwagon’ if my CD4 count were 350 or nearing that area with a high viral load to save my life.

Well I guess we just have to agree to disagree on this- in the context of Since's predicament.
I agree, I have a harder predicament but this also could be a bit misleading since I stated earlier that the reason I want to wait to start meds is not my predicaments, not my HIV acceptance issues, or its not even the adherence or commitment issues. I would still need to wait to get more med stats to get an understanding of my HIV status before I even get to that point of commitment. I agree that everyone including myself would have to deal with the commitment issues eventually when time comes. When it comes to a matter of saving life, I will start taking HAART even if I am not ready for commitment as I stated earlier. Having said that, You and I are on the same page finding out more on the trends of the med stats before making any decisions on meds.

@Bocker – Doc did bring up the resistance testing but I am still waiting for ADAP to get approved and the testing costs a bit more so he thought to wait after I had my discussions with him on starting meds. He may be planning to do resistance testing before the second med stat and by then hopefully insurance will be approved.

@EM
Listen closely to his rationale. And, do some reading in advance of your visit with him. I suggest you make a truly informed decision, not once based on will or whim.

I know what you are saying. That's what I have been doing for last six/seven years. Even though I was not able to bring myself (as I was having issues - not justifying here rather stating as a fact) to visit any doctors to treat HIV , believe me, I have been educating myself on HIV related information all these years. Based on the informed information, I do take a stand, I am with the team that supports starting meds when it is 'absolutely' necessary not before. In another words, I am not an advocate of starting meds early, quite the opposite. In my case, it is absurd to even start meds now since there are many times we hear about the ‘lab reports errors’ happens, right? I am not saying that’s what happened here but  with two reports, I will get a ‘better picture’, and with three/four reports I may get a trend. That’s what I want to do (unless I find out huge downwards issues with my stat).  I am glad to know that your stat and mine are similar (based on the post diagnosis time period). My doc did mention (Again, based on one report) that my immune system (same as yours I suppose) is able to keep the virus to a lower level somehow and more likely it has been doing that for years. If that’s true, we still need to figure out the trend for CD4%, CD4 counts etc. However, in your case, you probably had other med stats prior to that 'similar post- diagnosis period' so you are able to figure out the trends/what’s going on or at least get a clear picture of your health/stat. I agree when you say to let expert make decisions. Well, on this issue, experts themselves are divided. The experts on this side would agree that based on my numbers, I may be able to wait a bit and I am hoping to have that luxury. Besides, to make a huge decision like this based on one single report, anyone would find it harder to call it an "informed decision”. On the side note, I hope to speak with you as I am interested to know about your trends, numbers, etc. since we do have some similarity with med stat.

To me, knowing trends is huge and that’s the only way one could get a clear picture of one’s health. AGAIN THIS IS NOT ABOUT COMMITMENT ISSUES, THIS IS ABOUT HAVING ONLY ONE SINGLE MED STAT WHICH IS NOT INDICATING ANY THRESHOLD. (My apology, caps are not intended to shout or to be rude rather used for clarity). If I were able to post this one earlier, may be Leatherman would not have post his comments on ‘commitment issues’ :)
« Last Edit: September 01, 2011, 05:15:28 PM by Since2005 »

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #103 on: September 01, 2011, 02:49:46 PM »
Deleted. Duplicate
« Last Edit: September 01, 2011, 03:02:20 PM by Since2005 »

Offline thunter34

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,255
  • His name is Carl.
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #104 on: September 01, 2011, 03:04:46 PM »
In some ways, part of me is thankful that the shit had already hit the fan with me and my AIDS-iness and the timing of meds was never in question.

I was then able to spare myself and everyone else from becoming yet another one of those  HIV queens who hem and haw, investigate, correlate, ruminate, mentally masturbate and in general abdicate actually dealing with their health until either AIDS puts them in the ground or those around them start day dreaming of doing it themselves.
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Online mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 10,763
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #105 on: September 01, 2011, 04:52:19 PM »
Since, I am glad you are moving forward dealing with things.
There's obviously no panic about starting med.

Just note in this thread and in your PM, your rationale for waiting is long winded and "me me me" - and you couldn't even put into words the rationale the Doc gave for wanting you to start.  Only able to repeat the good news he gave you that the damage isn't catastrophic because your viral load is OK.  Please don't mistake low viral load with being an elite controller.  Your body fights the virus well to keep it at that level but make no mistake your body is fighting 24/7.
 
So in the coming months get another opinion from another doc, directly to your face, and digest the professional advice from 2 people.    I do predict you'll be now moving faster on not ruminating about HIV and HAART.
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Online buginme2

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,757
  • Certified Life Coach
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #106 on: September 01, 2011, 07:26:50 PM »
  Please don't mistake low viral load with being an elite controller. 
 


Since, Please tell us you are not holding out hope for being an elite controller. 

I don't understand this "I need to be ready to take medication" mindset that persists on these forums.  Much of the time it is spoken by those who happily pop their pills each and every night without the slightest issue. Maybe if those who are on medication would speak truthfully about how they got used to it very quickly, or became ready once they started, those not on meds yet wouldnt be so freaked out.
"All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6e0gcEC1TWE

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #107 on: September 01, 2011, 08:03:22 PM »
….you couldn't even put into words the rationale the Doc gave for wanting you to start.
Same rationale that thousands of other Docs have previously stated to others to support of starting meds as early as after the first med stats regardless of the stable numbers even if it is contradictory with stated guidelines without observing and following the trends of the HIV status. Hope, you got the points on the rationale...

So in the coming months get another opinion from another doc, directly to your face, and digest the professional advice from 2 people.
I thought I did like my doctor so I will try to stay with him for now and don’t worry, there are still Docs around who supports staying off meds if its possible (by following the monitoring concepts) like Ann, space , Nestor (He is in the States and I can't think of any others right this second) who have not been on meds yet infected with HIV a while ago. I may (or may not) switch to similar kind of Doc like them to meet your requirements of ‘getting professional advice’.  ;)

Please don't mistake low viral load with being an elite controller.
No, I don’t qualify to be an Elite Controller but I am hoping to be a LTSP given my current numbers stay steady and it will be 7 years in Jan/Feb next year since I became Poz. So, I may qualify. If I start the meds now, I will never know. I want to give myself that chance.. hey you never know..

I do predict you'll be now moving faster on not ruminating about HIV and HAART.
Thanks.  I have already discussed with my Doc and he agreed that we would wait to see what happens in next lab report only after I stated my concerns and he listened. We will not call that as ruminating HIV and HAART. Rather lets say 'Monitor your health/HIV'
With CD4 over 500 and VL <3k, as I said “ No way No how”. Not until I get at least another 2 lab works done given my second lab will come consistent and Doc agreed to that as it depends on the result. Again, the key word “monitoring regularly “. I will go for 3rd lab result if the 2nd lab is not too bad (my limit for CD4 is <350, given the VL is not too high, again, I would need discuss with the Doc, then I will go for another lab and another in three months if it allows, goal is to observe a trend to get a clear picture and you can only do that by keep monitoring..  ;D

Here is what I said earlier and that's where I stand
My motto is “Keep monitoring your health regularly and wait to see the trend in your med stats before you decide on the medications".
Enough said. I believe it's very clear to all where I stand with my approach.
I deeply appreciate everyone’s input including you Mecch. However, I would not want to turn this thread  to “ When to start meds thread” as I am not seeking advice on that piece. Everyone is welcome to express his or her opinions and inputs. As we always learn from each other or at least learn to respect the differences. What I don’t want to do is keep going back and forth. I know where you stand and you know where I stand. If necessary, I, may be, you can open another thread to state your concerns for others. I will also feel free to voice my opinion on starting meds may be without calling others view  as 'dumb'.  Having said that I clearly want to state as I have done that almost in every thread that I appreciate you and others concerns, kind supports, continuous encouragements which I and I am sure others value tremendously.

P.S. - @Buginme – With due respect, please read the entire thread before you chime in. I usually follow that etiquette just to voice opinions fairly. Do you? Well then you would have not questioned on commitment issues as what you asked/stated has already been answered!!
« Last Edit: September 01, 2011, 08:05:36 PM by Since2005 »

Offline Joe K

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 3,210
  • 30 Years Poz
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #108 on: September 01, 2011, 08:05:38 PM »
I don't understand this "I need to be ready to take medication" mindset that persists on these forums.  Much of the time it is spoken by those who happily pop their pills each and every night without the slightest issue. Maybe if those who are on medication would speak truthfully about how they got used to it very quickly, or became ready once they started, those not on meds yet wouldnt be so freaked out.

Maybe we would if anybody would actually listen.  Frankly I don't understand this entire thread, nor the OP.  All I read are excuses for not monitoring his health and then incessant whining about how he takes care of his health and will only consider meds after having trends, yada, yada, yada.  I call bullshit.  Starting meds can be really easy, assuming you don't want to die from AIDS.  Yes it really is that simple.  People think that HIV is just no big deal and they are wrong, but they don't want to hear that, because that may upset them.

Guess what, you have a disease that if left untreated, will kill you.  So you need to decide if you would rather live or die and act accordingly.  HIV is not a spectator sport and to assume that even if your health seriously declines, that the meds will save you, is the utmost in stupidity.  My eyes glaze over in threads like these, because far too many people are worried about hurting the OPs feelings.

It really is simple, if you want to live with HIV, you must take control and that involves many areas of your life.  If you want to live, you have to stop being afraid of your own shadow or the views of people, who are not you, nor do they have HIV.  If you allow others, or the fear of what others think of you, to influence your ability to successfully treat your HIV, then you have no one to blame but yourself.

Seriously, you were adult enough to become poz and assuming you want to live, get a grip and start paying attention.
Life is what happens, when you are busy making other plans.

Though you may be only one person in the entire world, to one person, you may be the entire world.

I wish to become half the man, that my dog thinks I am.

Remember me with simple acts of kindness and I will live forever.

Online buginme2

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,757
  • Certified Life Coach
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #109 on: September 01, 2011, 08:32:57 PM »
.  You have some major denialist issues. 

@Killfoile.  People do listen.  When I started on meds I was nervous (like everyone else was).  But many people on this forums told me not to worry and explained how I would feel and what to expect.  I have to say what people told me was 99% positive about taking meds and it turned out ALL TO BE TRUE.  I'm glad people didnt tell me to wait or question whether I was ready or not. After all who wants to take meds for a lifetime.  If you asked me was I ready? The answer would have been NO.  But I did it anyway and IT WASNT HARD.

People come to this forum for support and reassurance that they will be okay.  Taking meds is a nervous period.  It drives me crazy that when people come here just before starting meds that people here ask them if they are ready and to "wait and see".  They arent taking the SAT's they are taking a pill.  Its not that hard.

OK my ranting is over. Peace out aids peeps.
"All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6e0gcEC1TWE

Offline Joe K

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 3,210
  • 30 Years Poz
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #110 on: September 01, 2011, 08:40:23 PM »
.  You have some major denialist issues. 

@Killfoile.  People do listen.  When I started on meds I was nervous (like everyone else was).  But many people on this forums told me not to worry and explained how I would feel and what to expect.  I have to say what people told me was 99% positive about taking meds and it turned out ALL TO BE TRUE.  I'm glad people didnt tell me to wait or question whether I was ready or not. After all who wants to take meds for a lifetime.  If you asked me was I ready? The answer would have been NO.  But I did it anyway and IT WASNT HARD.

People come to this forum for support and reassurance that they will be okay.  Taking meds is a nervous period.  It drives me crazy that when people come here just before starting meds that people here ask them if they are ready and to "wait and see".  They arent taking the SAT's they are taking a pill.  Its not that hard.

OK my ranting is over. Peace out aids peeps.

Bug,

Please explain the statement in bold.
Life is what happens, when you are busy making other plans.

Though you may be only one person in the entire world, to one person, you may be the entire world.

I wish to become half the man, that my dog thinks I am.

Remember me with simple acts of kindness and I will live forever.

Online buginme2

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,757
  • Certified Life Coach
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #111 on: September 01, 2011, 08:48:39 PM »
Bug,

Please explain the statement in bold.

Sorry, that was directed at the OP.  I say that because since his first post he has made excuse after excuse about why he hadnt been to a doctor in 5+ years after testing positive (cultural issues, gay issues, economic issues, etc) and now his statements about being an elite controller or LTNP and the statement he made about finding a doctor that will wait until his CD4 drops to below 350 to start meds (good luck with that in the US). 
"All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6e0gcEC1TWE

Online mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 10,763
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #112 on: September 01, 2011, 08:52:15 PM »
Since,

Just want to congratulate you again on the progress you made. Reading again your first post in this thread, it was less than a month ago - and you are now definitely much more in control.  And also more aware, open, and knowledgeable.  

That first post threw out all sorts of alarm bells for some of us, so we were concerned that you start the process.



“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Online mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 10,763
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #113 on: September 01, 2011, 08:53:44 PM »
He never said he was an elite controller, Since.
He said the doctor told him he "controls" HIV.  I was just checking to make sure he knows the difference and he does!
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Online buginme2

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,757
  • Certified Life Coach
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #114 on: September 01, 2011, 08:57:14 PM »
Sorry Mech, I thought I read in reply 107 that he was hoping he was a LTNP.  Regardless. He has come a long way I suppose. 

The voyage of a thousand miles begins with one step.
"All I need are some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and I'm fine."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6e0gcEC1TWE

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #115 on: September 01, 2011, 10:14:49 PM »
Maybe we would if anybody would actually listen.  Frankly I don't understand this entire thread, nor the OP.  All I read are excuses for not monitoring his health and then incessant whining about how he takes care of his health and will only consider meds after having trends, yada, yada, yada.  I call bullshit.  Starting meds can be really easy, assuming you don't want to die from AIDS.  Yes it really is that simple.  People think that HIV is just no big deal and they are wrong, but they don't want to hear that, because that may upset them.

Guess what, you have a disease that if left untreated, will kill you.  So you need to decide if you would rather live or die and act accordingly.  HIV is not a spectator sport and to assume that even if your health seriously declines, that the meds will save you, is the utmost in stupidity.  My eyes glaze over in threads like these, because far too many people are worried about hurting the OPs feelings.

It really is simple, if you want to live with HIV, you must take control and that involves many areas of your life.  If you want to live, you have to stop being afraid of your own shadow or the views of people, who are not you, nor do they have HIV.  If you allow others, or the fear of what others think of you, to influence your ability to successfully treat your HIV, then you have no one to blame but yourself.

Seriously, you were adult enough to become poz and assuming you want to live, get a grip and start paying attention.

--- I have no idea what are you talking about here. I don't find any relation to what we are currently discussing. Frankly, I don’t care to know. As I have noticed your tone using words like “I call bullshit “,"stupidity" , and similar types of attitudes in the past in some other threads with certain forum member and others. Honestly, I  am not a big fan of these attitudes and won’t allow the repeats. So, May be I was wrong when I said we can always learn from each others, may be its better to stay away sometimes and avoid. I ALWAYS try to find the 'caring mind' underneath but you did upset me tonight with your continued degrading comments towards others. None of your comments will be replied mostly just to avoid unnecessary conflicts that will not serve any purpose for me. So, here is what I am gonna do I will ‘leave you’ and stop writing things that I will regret later.



Edited to reflect the quoted comments and use 'bold' words
« Last Edit: September 02, 2011, 09:06:53 PM by Since2005 »

Offline phildinftlaudy

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,950
  • sweet Ann what you think babe...
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #116 on: September 01, 2011, 10:22:24 PM »
--- I have no idea what are you talking about here. I don't find any relation to what we are currently discussing. Frankly, I don’t care to know. As I have noticed your tone “I call bullshit “ types of attitudes in the past in some other threads with certain forum member and others. Honestly, I  am not a big fan of these attitudes and won’t allow the repeats. So, May be I was wrong when I said we can always learn from each others, may be its better to stay away sometimes and avoid. I ALWAYS try to find the 'caring mind' underneath but you did upset me tonight with your continued degrading comments towards others. None of your comments will be replied mostly just to avoid unnecessary conflicts that will not serve any purpose for me. So, here is what I am gonna do I will ‘leave you’ and stop writing things that I will regret later.


September 13, 2008 - diagnosed +
Labs:
Date    CD4    %   VL     Date  CD4  %   VL
10/08  636    35  510   9/09 473  38 2900  12/4/09 Atripla
12/09  540    30    60   
12/10  740    41  <48   
8/11    667    36  <20  
03/12  1,041  42  <20
05/12  1,241  47  <20
08/12   780    37  <20
11/12   549    35  <20
02/12  1,102  42  <20
11/12   549    35  <20

Offline Joe K

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 3,210
  • 30 Years Poz
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #117 on: September 01, 2011, 10:30:11 PM »
--- I have no idea what are you talking about here. I don't find any relation to what we are currently discussing. Frankly, I don’t care to know. As I have noticed your tone “I call bullshit “ types of attitudes in the past in some other threads with certain forum member and others. Honestly, I  am not a big fan of these attitudes and won’t allow the repeats. So, May be I was wrong when I said we can always learn from each others, may be its better to stay away sometimes and avoid. I ALWAYS try to find the 'caring mind' underneath but you did upset me tonight with your continued degrading comments towards others. None of your comments will be replied mostly just to avoid unnecessary conflicts that will not serve any purpose for me. So, here is what I am gonna do I will ‘leave you’ and stop writing things that I will regret later.

First of all, do not accuse me of doing things that I have not done.  I want quotes from me, where I have ever degraded a poster, as opposed to speaking the unvarnished truth.  I don't like it when posters lie about how I reply to people and I want to see proof of your statements.

I'm sorry coming to terms with being poz is so hard for you, but you have had 7 years and you are still not monitoring your health.  I get frustrated when people refuse to understand the severity of having HIV and then post a million excuses for why they are not treating their disease.  You seem to be confusing the truth, with the way I am saying it, but sometimes people need to hear it real short and blunt.

I've lived with HIV for 26 years and the first thing that every pozzie must do, is to own their own infection. That means doing whatever is necessary to protect your health and if that means extra counseling or whatever, that's fine, but you have to do something.  Just be honest, you don't want simple information, you want your hand held and again, that is fine, but don't try to act like that is not what you are seeking.

You seem to believe that the world is so tough, because you are poz and gay and maybe that is true.  Yet in the end, you are responsible for your own life.  So if you don't like the way I say something, or disagree with what I am saying, fine.  However, don't you dare infer that I lack any compassion or that I treat posters unfairly, unless you have the quotes to back it up.
Life is what happens, when you are busy making other plans.

Though you may be only one person in the entire world, to one person, you may be the entire world.

I wish to become half the man, that my dog thinks I am.

Remember me with simple acts of kindness and I will live forever.

Offline thunter34

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,255
  • His name is Carl.
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #118 on: September 01, 2011, 10:36:55 PM »
I'm not trying to be cruel, but I can't help but think a little case of thrush or something would actually do the OP a world of good.
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline thunter34

  • Member
  • Posts: 7,255
  • His name is Carl.
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #119 on: September 01, 2011, 10:44:42 PM »
This site is hanging up on me again, so that ended up posting before I was done with it, so...

I think mecch is right to applaud you for making the step that you (OP) have.  I mean, relative to the previous six years, this last month has been a good stride forward.

That said, I am still concerned that you think you may have more time to play with than you do.  564 ain't bad, but it all that super duper high either.  And hon, when you're like me and having to climb back from nearly no immune system left, it takes a long time to climb back up to just that.

I'm just not all that sure you're not gonna analyze yourself into a coffin, based on your previous track record.
AIDS isn't for sissies.

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #120 on: September 02, 2011, 02:05:11 AM »
Sorry, that was directed at the OP.  I say that because since his first post he has made excuse after excuse about why he hadnt been to a doctor in 5+ years after testing positive (cultural issues, gay issues, economic issues, etc) and now his statements about being an elite controller or LTNP and the statement he made about finding a doctor that will wait until his CD4 drops to below 350 to start meds (good luck with that in the US). 
When did I ever say any of that? Please re-read again ( or look at the comment below). I said I like my current doc and will use 350 as threshold line (after consulting with Doc), which is totally different when you say " the statement he made about finding a doctor that will wait until his CD4 drops to below 350 to start meds". What has gotten into you? I have expected better than these really. I know you personally from day one who never understood my problems which are very personal things that I have decided to share with rest of the world, but later I thought you at least tried to get it you yet still think they are "excuses" not "issues". Excuses of what? I have to say if you must know you have disappointed me.

Sorry Mech, I thought I read in reply 107 that he was hoping he was a LTNP. 
It's LTSP in reply 107. You do know the differences, don't you?

Buginme, I have cared to write these to you as I thought you have at least tried to be supportive in your own way.  But tonight, you have made inconsistent remarks which left me to wonder 'the toast that you have made last night was that real especially after you thought my problems were actually excuses! I am sorry to say that may be its time to take back the toasts, I now know you actually did not get it!

Offline spacebarsux

  • Member
  • Posts: 1,350
  • Survival of the Fittest
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #121 on: September 02, 2011, 04:14:47 AM »
No, I don’t qualify to be an Elite Controller but I am hoping to be a LTSP given my current numbers stay steady and it will be 7 years in Jan/Feb next year since I became Poz. So, I may qualify. If I start the meds now, I will never know. I want to give myself that chance.. hey you never know..


LTSP, LTNP etc etc are just 'labels' and can often be misleading. Even if one is deemed to fall under one of these categories, it doesn't mean much if your numbers suddenly start to tank- and that does happen to some of these so called LTSPs, LTNPs. There is also the downside that one is led into a false sense of security, which is never a good thing.

While I agree with you that monitoring your lab numbers (without exception) and starting meds in accordance with your doctor's advice, the guidelines in your area, and  how you feel - in that order, is perfectly alright (in my opinion); I also think that you have got some of the responses you have because the members here can easily differentiate between someone who is looking to run away from the problem rather than face it- and sorry to say, but your track record isn’t exactly very convincing.

It's great that you've gone to the doc and got your lab results Since (very commendable), but there is a very thin line between holding out hope and being evasive of the situation and when you say things like "I may qualify to be a LTSP"- going by your 'history of denial' it's not easy to discern which camp you belong in.

Best.

Infected-  2005 or early 2006; Diagnosed- Jan 28th, 2011; Feb '11- CD4 754 @34%, VL- 39K; July '11- CD4 907@26%,  VL-81K; Feb '12- CD4 713 @31%, VL- 41K, Nov '12- CD4- 827@31%

Online mecch

  • Member
  • Posts: 10,763
  • red pill? or blue pill?
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #122 on: September 02, 2011, 07:35:27 AM »
(Kill,  the accomplishment of the month is that Since went from Aug 2, maybe suicidal, quite in denial, to having entered the medical system.  I think you misread the thread.  As of now he is monitoring his HIV.   Onwards, and hopefully upwards!)
 
“From each, according to his ability; to each, according to his need” 1875 K Marx

Offline Joe K

  • Global Moderator
  • Member
  • Posts: 3,210
  • 30 Years Poz
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #123 on: September 02, 2011, 10:52:50 AM »
(Kill,  the accomplishment of the month is that Since went from Aug 2, maybe suicidal, quite in denial, to having entered the medical system.  I think you misread the thread.  As of now he is monitoring his HIV.   Onwards, and hopefully upwards!)

I didn't misread the thread, because I actually read it twice to make sure I understood what was happening.  That's why I replied as I did.  I hope you and others are correct and the OP will monitor his health from here on out, but I have very strong doubts about that happening.
Life is what happens, when you are busy making other plans.

Though you may be only one person in the entire world, to one person, you may be the entire world.

I wish to become half the man, that my dog thinks I am.

Remember me with simple acts of kindness and I will live forever.

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #124 on: September 03, 2011, 01:24:38 AM »
Okay, I am in a better mood today. Sorry if I was getting frustrated with some of you last night. I think I was getting tired of having to explain everyone that I am in the game now and yes I am going to take care of myself and not everyone was believing me or so that's what I thought. Hey, I could assure you that I am and I will take care of myself. Believe it, damn it!!

I could understand some of you may be were concerned about me not seeking out medical treatments for years for obvious reasons but the approach that I am taking is actually a standard practice. Look at this thread http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=33382.0 where members talked about when to start meds (guess what it is 350-500 based on the current US guideline). Again, no one is advocating here, it's an individual choice!

@ Meech – Thanks for your comments and genuinely caring! It means a lot! I didn't get when you said 'more knowledgeable' may be true of course I learned more within a month. It may seem ignorant as I didn't go to doc but I actually have been learning about HIV ever since I got diagnosed. I did not have doc to go to ask questions, so I have been educating myself about HIV from different sources. I think I spent hours and hours doing that and it actually was therapeutic for me for a while (hard to believe right?. since I still did not go to doc..). I am still learning form everyone here….

@Space – Nothing wrong with being hopeful. Don't we all hope that there would be a cure for AIDS in our lifetime? Being hopeful is a good thing as long as it's realistic and one is not fully dependent on the concepts or whatever they are hoping for….

@Tunter – Not sure about few things that you said but I wanted to acknowledge your concerns, thanks!

@Killfoile - I thought I was going to ignore your comments but I thought it would be a good time to do may be because you are not even aware of this. As Mecch pointed out to you that you misread my thread...

..you have had 7 years and you are still not monitoring your health.  I get frustrated ..
But I am monitoring my health. I am going to doc, and started the medical process and have done my first lab works and set my next visit with my doc to follow up...see ;)
Regardless of the frustration level, I would refrain myself from using words like 'bullshit', 'stupidity' etc. I personally don't find these words to be helpful in a forum conversation. But, I don't want to dwell on this. Let us move forward.
Having said that, I do believe everyone in this Forum including yourself is helpful and supportive. It is inspiring to see you and others who have been dealing with this disease for a very long time and it gives us hope also. We, all could learn from you. I wish you the best!

So, I think it's a good time to close the thread while its good and dandy cuz you know it could totally turn really ugly at any time (j/k.. is it  ;)). I like happy ending :)
« Last Edit: September 03, 2011, 03:57:53 PM by Since2005 »

Offline wolfter

  • Member
  • Posts: 4,070
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #125 on: September 03, 2011, 12:58:52 PM »
Curious, how do you monitor your health if you don't have labs done for 7 years?  Visual observation?
Judging someone does not define them, it defines you. 

True peace is not merely the absence of war, it is the presence of justice.

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #126 on: September 03, 2011, 01:15:48 PM »
Wolfer.. No..not for last 7 years...

I am now..and I  will going forward..

Offline New Poz Guy

  • Member
  • Posts: 15
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #127 on: September 03, 2011, 11:46:19 PM »
So much drama in this thread. The way I see it - Since lucked out with low counts after waiting 6+ years of even checking his numbers after Dx. I too applaud Since's good fortune. Unfortunately, and I hope I'm wrong, this is all the justification one needs to blow off monitoring.
Again, hopefully that won't be the case, but Since is a big boy and can make decisions he needs to for himself. Simple blood work quarterly seems a small price to pay for lackadaisical (IMO) behavior of not testing for so long.
You have lucked out, my friend. Please continue to monitor your numbers.
I was diagnosed in late July and decided at 438 CD4 and 90K plus VL - I wasn't going to let my body do this on it's own. I started Atripla 8/13 and haven't looked back. I still can't believe my good fortune at only needing to remember one pill at 10 PM nightly. Never had one dream or side effect and can't wait for first labs since beginning.
Everyone needs to do this thing at their own pace.
Diagnosed 7/27/11
Labs taken 8/2/11
Results 8/12/11 - CD4 428 18.6% VL - 96,939
Began Atripla 8/13/11
Labs taken 9/8/11
Results 9/13/11 - CD4 629 24.2% VL - 930 !!

Offline socalpoz

  • Member
  • Posts: 80
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #128 on: September 05, 2011, 08:59:13 AM »
I don't know if this has been mentioned, since this is such a long post. But although great news on the labs, I am curious if you are getting labs done monthly. When I was first diagnosed it was recommended to see the trend and then we backed off to every three months.Since it has been so many years since Dx and labs, your numbers are all about the trends and I lab can very great from another due to additional factors, i.e. stress, diet, time of day you had the draw etc.

Good luck and keep posting, continue working on you and the acceptance of the disease and being gay!
Diagnosed Jan. 22, 2011
feb/11 cd4 547, cd4% 37, vl 527
mar/11 cd4 650, cd4% 37, vl 97
may/11 cd4 698, cd4% 37, vl 303
jul/11 cd4 744, cd4% 39, vl 239
aug/12 cd4 675, cd4% 39, Vl 42
Jun/13 cd4 594, cd4% 38, Vl 1860
Jul/3/13 started Stribild
Aug/13 cd4 758 cd4% 43, vl ??

Offline Rev. Moon

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,782
  • Smart ass faggot ©
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #129 on: September 05, 2011, 11:22:03 AM »
I don't know if this has been mentioned, since this is such a long post. But although great news on the labs, I am curious if you are getting labs done monthly.

The OP hadn't had any lab work done --at all-- since 2005.  Probably 80 to 90% of the replies in this thread address that issue.  
"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

Offline Basquo

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,236
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #130 on: September 05, 2011, 11:37:03 AM »

The OP hadn't had any lab work done --at all-- since 2005.  Probably 80 to 90% of the replies in this thread address that issue. 

Rev, he said he did and posted the numbers in reply #89.

Offline Assurbanipal

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,173
  • Taking a forums break, still see PM's
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #131 on: September 05, 2011, 11:41:49 AM »
Rev, he said he did and posted the numbers in reply #89.


I think Rev said "hadn't" as in "not prior to starting this thread" not "hasn't"

But, this post is really only an excuse to say, what is all that going on in the Rev's avatar!!!??   ;D 
5/06 VL 1M+, CD4 22, 5% , pneumonia, thrush -- O2 support 2 months, 6/06 +Kaletra/Truvada
9/06 VL 3959 CD4 297 13.5% 12/06 VL <400 CD4 350 15.2% +Pravachol
2007 VL<400, 70, 50 CD4 408-729 16.0% -19.7%
2008 VL UD CD4 468 - 538 16.7% - 24.6% Osteoporosis 11/08 doubled Pravachol, +Calcium/D
02/09 VL 100 CD4 616 23.7% 03/09 VL 130 5/09 VL 100 CD4 540 28.4% +Actonel (osteoporosis) 7/09 VL 130
8/09  new regimen Isentress/Epzicom 9/09 VL UD CD4 621 32.7% 11/09 VL UD CD4 607 26.4% swap Isentress for Prezista/Norvir 12/09 (liver and muscle issues) VL 50
2010 VL UD CD4 573-680 26.1% - 30.9% 12/10 VL 20
2011 VL UD-20 CD4 568-673 24.7%-30.6%
2012 VL UD swap Prezista/Norvir for Reyataz drop statin CD4 768-828 26.7%-30.7%

Offline Basquo

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,236
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #132 on: September 05, 2011, 11:59:18 AM »
Oh, OK...got it. Thanks.

Offline Rev. Moon

  • Member
  • Posts: 3,782
  • Smart ass faggot ©
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #133 on: September 05, 2011, 12:25:18 PM »
Rev, he said he did and posted the numbers in reply #89.


Oh, I know.  I even responded to him somewhere around 91 or 92.  But that was the very first time since his diagnosis five+ years ago.  He just hadn't checked them regularly, which is what  (I thought) socalpoz was asking.

Alls I know is that I want this young man to continue checking his numbers going forward.


But, this post is really only an excuse to say, what is all that going on in the Rev's avatar!!!??   ;D  

Like?  ;D. You know me and my kooky avz
"I have tried hard--but life is difficult, and I am a very useless person. I can hardly be said to have an independent existence. I was just a screw or a cog in the great machine I called life, and when I dropped out of it I found I was of no use anywhere else."

Offline Assurbanipal

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,173
  • Taking a forums break, still see PM's
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #134 on: September 05, 2011, 12:36:09 PM »
Like?  ;D. You know me and my kooky avz

Can't look away  :)
5/06 VL 1M+, CD4 22, 5% , pneumonia, thrush -- O2 support 2 months, 6/06 +Kaletra/Truvada
9/06 VL 3959 CD4 297 13.5% 12/06 VL <400 CD4 350 15.2% +Pravachol
2007 VL<400, 70, 50 CD4 408-729 16.0% -19.7%
2008 VL UD CD4 468 - 538 16.7% - 24.6% Osteoporosis 11/08 doubled Pravachol, +Calcium/D
02/09 VL 100 CD4 616 23.7% 03/09 VL 130 5/09 VL 100 CD4 540 28.4% +Actonel (osteoporosis) 7/09 VL 130
8/09  new regimen Isentress/Epzicom 9/09 VL UD CD4 621 32.7% 11/09 VL UD CD4 607 26.4% swap Isentress for Prezista/Norvir 12/09 (liver and muscle issues) VL 50
2010 VL UD CD4 573-680 26.1% - 30.9% 12/10 VL 20
2011 VL UD-20 CD4 568-673 24.7%-30.6%
2012 VL UD swap Prezista/Norvir for Reyataz drop statin CD4 768-828 26.7%-30.7%

Offline Since2005

  • Member
  • Posts: 419
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #135 on: September 06, 2011, 06:24:12 PM »
I read my very first introductory comment of the thread and all of the other comments again. Wow, I was amazed to see what a responsive and supportive audience you are. I have had a very tough time to deal with my HIV, some say ignoring the HIV and I agree. I just avoided a very catastrophic situation. I am very fortunate with my current health stat. The situation could have been way worst. I have dealt with a terrible situation and the severity of that I did not realize at that time. I am so glad that I have move past that. I feel very fortunate comparing to others. I am independent, I am healthy, I am young, and I am educated with good prospects of starting a career. I am getting my focus back on these. I have my whole life ahead of me.

I will keep on monitoring my health. With my doctor’s recommendations, I will enter into HAART, when it's necessary. I will take care of myself, form some friendship here and in my regular life, support system, and focus on my career and work on towards full acceptance for being who I am.

I am sentimental with this thread as I feel like I am leaving some of my memory behind. This will remind me as a milestone of my life related to HIV. I would like to identify this as ‘the real beginning’ to deal with HIV. I will always cherish you all who have helped me to get through the tough time. This is my last comment on this thread. From here, I am taking the good stuff and good memory with me. Thanks for helping me learn, accept, and move forward. Thanks for all of your support. Chao!
« Last Edit: September 06, 2011, 10:16:13 PM by Since2005 »

Offline Nestor

  • Member
  • Posts: 430
  • What we love, we shall grow to resemble.
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #136 on: September 12, 2011, 06:25:26 PM »

Hey Since,

Congratulations, three times! 

First, because you finally overcame whatever it was that prevented you from getting labs done for so many years.  I know a little of what that must have been like.  For a year and half after getting HIV--and I knew I probably had HIV, given the clear sero-conversion symptoms I experienced only two months after having unsafe sex--I didn't get tested, and lived with uncertainty about the state of my health.  That wasn't a purely emotional problem on my part: I was living in a country where getting tested might have meant the risk of deportation.  Still, I know what it was like finally to find out how many t-cells I had, etc., after a year and a half in the dark.  That you managed to go for five or six years in that state is astounding to me, and I'm sure you feel now as if a great weight has been taken off your mind.  There must have been nights when you felt bad and wondered whether perhaps you had already gone down to 100 T-cells or less; now that is all behind you. 

Secondly, congratulations because your health, as far as we can see from this one test, is excellent.  Of course as you say yourself it's about trends over time and we'll know more after two or three more sets of test results come in, but for someone in his fifth or sixth year of HIV this sounds fantastic.  You have the right to do a bit more partying now to celebrate. 

Thirdly, because you seem to have a very sensible attitude towards the decision to start meds.  I would never start based on one single result unless the numbers were something truly outrageous or I were clearly ill.  Now you can read, think, talk, and make your own decisions about when to start treatment, and you can do so in calm confidence--something you could not have done two weeks ago, when the panicked voice shouting "Oh my God, what if I already have only ten t-cells" must have been dinning in your ears. 

Here's to your next set of even better lab results!

Summer 2004--became HIV+
Dec. 2005--found out

Date          CD4    %       VL
Jan. '06    725    25      9,097
Nov. '06    671    34     52,202
Apr. '07    553    30      24,270
Sept. '07  685    27       4,849
Jan. '08    825    29       4,749
Mar. '08    751    30     16,026
Aug. '08    653    30       3,108
Oct. '08     819    28     10,046
Jan '09      547    31     13,000
May '09     645   25        6,478
Aug. '09    688   30      19,571
Nov. '09     641    27       9,598
Feb. '10     638    27       4,480
May '10      687      9    799,000 (CMV)
July '10      600     21      31,000
Nov '10      682     24     15,000
June '11     563    23     210,000 (blasto)
July  '11      530    22      39,000
Aug '11      677     22      21,000
Sept. '12    747     15      14,000

Online Theyer

  • Member
  • Posts: 2,126
  • I love buying Furnature.
Re: Asymptomatic to Symptomatic
« Reply #137 on: September 13, 2011, 01:40:30 PM »
 since its was a relief when that Doc visit occurred.
I view my posts as a form off diary.

t
"If we can find the money to kill people, we can find the money to help people ."  Tony Benn

 


Terms of Membership for these forums
 

© 2014 Smart + Strong. All Rights Reserved.   terms of use and your privacy
Smart + Strong® is a registered trademark of CDM Publishing, LLC.